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Love by Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love
“A revelatory re-conceptualization of how we create love.” — Dr. Emily Nagoski, bestselling author of Come As You Are and Burnout
Many of us were raised with the idea that true love means finding our "other half" and that a spark is the best foundation for successful long-term partnerships and marriages. But what if this understanding is flawed?
Grounded in two decades of original research and work with couples from around the world, Love by Design introduces a groundbreaking new foundation for The Emergent Love Model. As Dr. Nasserzadeh knows, successful partnerships do not thrive on love, at least as we know it. Instead of chasing our butterflies we need to cultivate six core relational ingredients that make it possible for love to Offering dozens of exercises and reflection prompts, this groundbreaking book—perfect for fans of 8 Rules of Love or The Love Prescription —will give readers a new foundation for their coupledom—one that will help your coupledom thrive for a lifetime.
Many of us were raised with the idea that true love means finding our "other half" and that a spark is the best foundation for successful long-term partnerships and marriages. But what if this understanding is flawed?
Grounded in two decades of original research and work with couples from around the world, Love by Design introduces a groundbreaking new foundation for The Emergent Love Model. As Dr. Nasserzadeh knows, successful partnerships do not thrive on love, at least as we know it. Instead of chasing our butterflies we need to cultivate six core relational ingredients that make it possible for love to Offering dozens of exercises and reflection prompts, this groundbreaking book—perfect for fans of 8 Rules of Love or The Love Prescription —will give readers a new foundation for their coupledom—one that will help your coupledom thrive for a lifetime.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published February 6, 2024
49 people are currently reading
2363 people want to read
About the author
Sara Nasserzadeh
2 books11 followersDr. Sara Nasserzadeh, Ph.D., is a world-renowned social psychologist, sexologist, and relationship expert. She is a sought-after speaker and an expert facilitator. She has presented more than 500 keynote addresses and workshops on a variety of topics across the globe. She has been a senior cultural advisor and strategic consultant for governments, international NGOs, United Nation-affiliated agencies, Fortune 500 companies, academic institutions, and professional organizations around the world. She is highly regarded by her peers as a Key Opinion Leader and has multitude of articles, books and book chapters to her credit. Her work has also been featured in media around the world, including NPR, BBC, ABC and CNN. She is based in Los Angeles. Learn more about Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh at or follow her on Instagram at {at}Dr.Sara Nasserzadeh
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
April 13, 2024
‘Love by design’ takes "6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love," and highlights its emphasis on practical steps for creating a healthy and enduring relationship. the book is simple yet profound: rather than relying solely on fleeting sparks of passion or the quest for an elusive "other half," couples can cultivate six core relational ingredients to nurture a thriving partnership. These ingredients—Attraction, Respect, Trust, Compassion, Shared Vision, and Loving Behaviors—form the foundation upon which genuine love can emerge and flourish.This includes exercises and prompts that encourage self-awareness and guide couples in strengthening their bond.
Dr. Saba Nasserzadeh is a well-known clinical psychologist, relationship therapist, . Therefore, a book authored by her provided insightful perspectives on love, relationships, & designating strategies for cultivating healthy and fulfilling romantic connections.The author’s very engaging writing style and with personal anecdotes creates an accessible and relatable reading experience.
Love by Design" is a must-read for anyone seeking to transform their relationship and create a love that stands the test of time. This book is a valuable resource for couples at any stage of their journey, offering wisdom, guidance, and hope for the future of love.
Dr. Saba Nasserzadeh is a well-known clinical psychologist, relationship therapist, . Therefore, a book authored by her provided insightful perspectives on love, relationships, & designating strategies for cultivating healthy and fulfilling romantic connections.The author’s very engaging writing style and with personal anecdotes creates an accessible and relatable reading experience.
Love by Design" is a must-read for anyone seeking to transform their relationship and create a love that stands the test of time. This book is a valuable resource for couples at any stage of their journey, offering wisdom, guidance, and hope for the future of love.
February 12, 2024
5 stars...
Dr. Masserzadeh put over 20 years of research with clients into writing this book. I found a great deal of the chapters fascinating. I enjoyed how all the topics of her chapters were shown through with specific client relationships – almost told through stories. Thank you to the publisher for my gifted copy – out now!
Dr. Masserzadeh put over 20 years of research with clients into writing this book. I found a great deal of the chapters fascinating. I enjoyed how all the topics of her chapters were shown through with specific client relationships – almost told through stories. Thank you to the publisher for my gifted copy – out now!
January 13, 2024
I am writing this review from a perspective of a middle-aged man already in a loving and thriving relationship. What I loved about this book was the original framework to make sense of love as a construct, which is so refreshing in an era that most books on love and thriving relationship is filled with stereotypes about love or superficial alternatives. The authors has extensive scholarly experience and her wisdom comes through every chapter of the book. I can’t recommend this book enough to those who want to address any problem areas in their relationships or those who wish to elevate their thriving relationships to the next level. Really well done.
February 7, 2024
PRERELEASE REVIEW:
I am writing this review through two different lenses; one as a Certified Sexuality Counselor, intimacy coach, and sexual health practitioner; and the other as a queer, relational anarchist living in an intentional community.
For other relational and sexuality counselors, coaches, and educators, Dr. Nasserzadeh provides an incredibly thorough paradigm shift for working with clients. Her extensive experience and research with folks from myriad backgrounds and geographic locations truly provide a global perspective on connection, intimacy, and the practical logistics of love. Filled with case studies, accessible exercises, and external resources, she provides you a smorgasbord of options for your own life and those for whom you care. Dr. Nasserzadeh stays grounded in her perspective, often challenging dominant culture and societal expectations of love and sex. I predict this book will quickly become assigned reading for people in relational care around the world.
My only critique relates to the monogacentric tilt of most of the conversation. While it is clarified that she works with clients from all different relationship structures, most of the language and exercises are geared towards couples practicing presumed or explicit monogamy, or at most, hierarchical polyamory. As someone who doesn’t personally practice in this way, I found myself having to reframe some of the exercises and ideas to be more applicable. My primary internal edit was to replace the use of the word “coupledom” with simply relationship or connection. That being said, I don’t believe anyone would have trouble applying this book or what it posits to their own life in most cases. I would also encourage folks to apply some of these practices to other significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
This book will challenge many core beliefs and myths about love (or the “temporary insanity of hormones”) that many of us hold as absolute truths. There were numerous times throughout the book that I found myself cheering for the ideas that Dr. Nasserzadeh brings to the table, challenging us to allow love to show up as a distinct, independent character in our lives and relationships. We all have the ability to care for ourselves and others with the pure, deep love that most seek, but we must be realistic about the work and collaboration it takes for that love to emerge. With time and effort, I believe many will find peace and healing with the messages this book contains. But as Dr. Nasserzadeh said herself, “...nothing you learn about in this book should be left to chance. It is all about choices.”
I am writing this review through two different lenses; one as a Certified Sexuality Counselor, intimacy coach, and sexual health practitioner; and the other as a queer, relational anarchist living in an intentional community.
For other relational and sexuality counselors, coaches, and educators, Dr. Nasserzadeh provides an incredibly thorough paradigm shift for working with clients. Her extensive experience and research with folks from myriad backgrounds and geographic locations truly provide a global perspective on connection, intimacy, and the practical logistics of love. Filled with case studies, accessible exercises, and external resources, she provides you a smorgasbord of options for your own life and those for whom you care. Dr. Nasserzadeh stays grounded in her perspective, often challenging dominant culture and societal expectations of love and sex. I predict this book will quickly become assigned reading for people in relational care around the world.
My only critique relates to the monogacentric tilt of most of the conversation. While it is clarified that she works with clients from all different relationship structures, most of the language and exercises are geared towards couples practicing presumed or explicit monogamy, or at most, hierarchical polyamory. As someone who doesn’t personally practice in this way, I found myself having to reframe some of the exercises and ideas to be more applicable. My primary internal edit was to replace the use of the word “coupledom” with simply relationship or connection. That being said, I don’t believe anyone would have trouble applying this book or what it posits to their own life in most cases. I would also encourage folks to apply some of these practices to other significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
This book will challenge many core beliefs and myths about love (or the “temporary insanity of hormones”) that many of us hold as absolute truths. There were numerous times throughout the book that I found myself cheering for the ideas that Dr. Nasserzadeh brings to the table, challenging us to allow love to show up as a distinct, independent character in our lives and relationships. We all have the ability to care for ourselves and others with the pure, deep love that most seek, but we must be realistic about the work and collaboration it takes for that love to emerge. With time and effort, I believe many will find peace and healing with the messages this book contains. But as Dr. Nasserzadeh said herself, “...nothing you learn about in this book should be left to chance. It is all about choices.”
May 27, 2024
4.5 stars. This is one of the better relationship self-help books I've read. It draws on and cites other quality relationship research while providing findings unique to the author's own research. For each of the factors that Nasserzadeh cites as research-based "ingredients" for satisfying romantic relationships, she includes detailed explanations, example stories, and exercises to help you self-reflect or put these principles into practice in your relationship. What I appreciated most about this book, and what I don't think I've seen before, is that Nasserzadeh not only breaks down exactly why basing relationships solely on "feelings" (an initial spark, crush, sexual chemistry, etc.) isn't wise but also has practical steps for sustaining or rebuilding the kinds of positive, loving feelings that do see a partnership through the long run. It's not just about how to maintain trust or navigate conflict or have a fulfilling sex life, but actually how to continue to feel deep love for your partner, informed by but not reliant on whatever initially drew you together.
My critiques are relatively minor. I think Nasserzadeh is more inclusive of queer relationships than your average relationship self-help book, but she clearly has no concept of asexuality or at least doesn't acknowledge it as a real experience in the section on sex and elsewhere. She also includes more references to non-monogamy than your typical book of this kind, but she talks about it almost exclusively in the framework of "primary couple + other (mostly sexual) relationships" and still has a strongly monogamous / relationship escalator default, even to the point of assuming couples want to move toward marriage and having children. She talks about things like the challenges of sharing a bed with your partner (e.g., if one person snores or steals the covers) but doesn't seem to conceptualize that not sharing a bed would ever be an option. So in all of the above, this isn't any worse and is generally better than your average relationship book written by a cishet monogamously married person, but it's not as inclusive as some folks may be looking for.
I listened to most of this in a short span of time because the audiobook was going back to the library, which isn't the ideal reading format for this. I'd definitely be interested in getting a hard copy of this one to be able to go through the exercises.
My critiques are relatively minor. I think Nasserzadeh is more inclusive of queer relationships than your average relationship self-help book, but she clearly has no concept of asexuality or at least doesn't acknowledge it as a real experience in the section on sex and elsewhere. She also includes more references to non-monogamy than your typical book of this kind, but she talks about it almost exclusively in the framework of "primary couple + other (mostly sexual) relationships" and still has a strongly monogamous / relationship escalator default, even to the point of assuming couples want to move toward marriage and having children. She talks about things like the challenges of sharing a bed with your partner (e.g., if one person snores or steals the covers) but doesn't seem to conceptualize that not sharing a bed would ever be an option. So in all of the above, this isn't any worse and is generally better than your average relationship book written by a cishet monogamously married person, but it's not as inclusive as some folks may be looking for.
I listened to most of this in a short span of time because the audiobook was going back to the library, which isn't the ideal reading format for this. I'd definitely be interested in getting a hard copy of this one to be able to go through the exercises.
December 6, 2025
Love by Design is a gamechanger for anyone ready to grow and strategically nourish their romantic relationships. Dr. Nasserzadeh’s TED talk was my first exposure to her insightful and well researched work and having been in a long term relationship for nearly a decade, I knew I had to dive deeper into the book. Love by Design offers my science loving brain an insightful, well structured, and actionable approach to navigating one of life’s most fundamental experiences: romantic connection. For me, it can be so easy to enjoy a book and then forget all the teachings because they are too complex or forgettable. That is not the case with Love by Design! An easy to remember evidence based six ingredients structure helps to guide during daily life, not just a once in a lifetime couples retreat. Like anything, a vibrant, strong romantic relationship takes energy and insight for it to grow. Dr. Nasserzadeh’s Love by Design is an essential ingredient to that recipe.
April 24, 2024
I've read a lot of nonfiction about how to foster healthy romantic relationships.
This one feels different in that it actually acknowledges the work others have done: Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Dr. Brene Brown, Esther Perel, and many more. Dr. Nasserzadeh builds on those ideas while adding several of her own. She successfully synthesizes all sorts of research and theories about romantic relationships into one holistic book, which is impressive.
I outright learned some things despite my prior familiarity with the topic, and learned how to see a few concepts differently (the chapter on respect was eye-opening).
Honestly, I regret reading this as an audiobook, since I couldn't highlight various passages, or simply pause and reread a sentence over and over. There's so much in here that I know will need to sink in slowly over time.
That's why I'll be buying a print copy as well!
This one feels different in that it actually acknowledges the work others have done: Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Dr. Brene Brown, Esther Perel, and many more. Dr. Nasserzadeh builds on those ideas while adding several of her own. She successfully synthesizes all sorts of research and theories about romantic relationships into one holistic book, which is impressive.
I outright learned some things despite my prior familiarity with the topic, and learned how to see a few concepts differently (the chapter on respect was eye-opening).
Honestly, I regret reading this as an audiobook, since I couldn't highlight various passages, or simply pause and reread a sentence over and over. There's so much in here that I know will need to sink in slowly over time.
That's why I'll be buying a print copy as well!
July 7, 2025
4.5 stars from me. The author is very insightful and pulls from many different curriculums to connect to the main topic. I enjoyed reading about some aspects more than others, the 6 ingredients were definitely the most intriguing for me, but the sexual harmony passage was relatively boring in my opinion. I liked how the book connected ideas previously mentioned throughout, however, I felt like the central idea was not really there. I wish it focused more on the 6 ingredients and delved more deeply into that. I also think this book is not good if you are not someone who has been in a relationship and is not in one. A lot of things were targeted at couple activities and exercises. Overall good book, insightful and educational.
February 22, 2024
This book offers valuable insights that shed light on the enigmatic aspects of love. It emphasizes that successful relationships are more about nurturing a lasting connection than just seeking fleeting moments of excitement. Through practical exercises and thoughtful prompts, you and your partner can embark on a journey of self-discovery and mutual understanding, fostering personal growth and shared aspirations. Whether you're experiencing the excitement of new love or navigating the challenges of a long-term relationship, this book is a valuable resource for those who recognize that enduring love requires effort and dedication. I wholeheartedly recommend it.
December 27, 2024
A lot of practical advice for troubled relationships. The more I read these relationship books though, the more that I think people were just broken from their childhood, and now they are facing the consequences of that damage in their adult relationships. Moreover, modern day relationships can become "domestic arrangements" where two people are expected to fulfill familial obligations with one another, and the joy and romance of a loving relationship is often lost. No wonder it's so difficult to be everything to someone. it's more like building a lifetime relationship or family. Love comes and goes and comes around again if you stick it out long enough.
January 28, 2024
“Love by Design” intricately weaves a compelling narrative on love and intimate relationships, offering profound insights into what actually is the secret to a lifetime of love. The author’s thoughtful exploration delves into the six ingredients of everlasting love, providing readers with a blueprint for navigating the intricate design of a loving relationship. With a perfect blend of wisdom, research, and warmth, this book is a must-read for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of the dynamics that shape our most cherished bond(s).
January 12, 2024
I like books that I can relate to and takeaway practical lessons. The book reads well and is rich with many valuable resources. As you take a read, it guides you to understand the fundamentals of a relationship and how to build love. It’s overall a well-written book. I have already recommended the book to my friends struggling with their love life. Highly recommending it to everyone even if your love life is alright.
September 18, 2024
Love by Design is a gift to us all. Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh explores essential ingredients for emergent love, guiding with her extensive research and work with couples around the world. This book challenges common beliefs about true love and provides practical tools for making the most of loving relationships. Brimming with honesty, deep care and relevant findings, Love by Design is a must-read for anyone seeking a more love-filled, meaningful life.
January 15, 2024
Really enjoyed this book:
Such a powerful book. Loved learning about Emergent love . Being in a long term, happy marriage, I was confirmed and affirmed all along as I went through the 6 key ingredients. Great exercises, highly recommend for happy couples.
Such a powerful book. Loved learning about Emergent love . Being in a long term, happy marriage, I was confirmed and affirmed all along as I went through the 6 key ingredients. Great exercises, highly recommend for happy couples.
December 11, 2023
Great and inspiring. Love the suggestions, sayings, words to live by-quotes I will remember and use. Looking forward to recommending this book in our work and to friends. Sandra Stingle, Ph.D.
January 9, 2024
Amazing read! Highly recommend if you want to turn your life around, experience happiness and build your life around love. Practical and easy to read! Thoroughly enjoyed it.
June 27, 2024
Undoubtedly up there in my top faves
July 11, 2024
Loved this book! So thoughtful, kind, wise, and actionable. Highly recommend for people in or wanting to be in relationships. 🖤
July 23, 2024
Useful for lovers of all ages & stages. The tips are really comprehensive and smart.
December 3, 2024
4.5⭐️
learned so much about my own relationship, going to implement a lot of these practices
learned so much about my own relationship, going to implement a lot of these practices
April 23, 2025
One of those books that should be skimmed first, then kept around for later workshop use. I really like the emphasis on good old-fashioned hard work to keep a relationship flourishing.
May 15, 2025
I expect less of this book at first But what!!!!! I think this is the best book I've read in 2025 so far. Ground breaking ✨✨
January 15, 2026
Six dynamics that affect the sense of satisfaction in a relationship between partners: attraction, respect, trust, shared vision, compassion, and loving behaviors.
January 13, 2024
There are not enough books that could engage a married guy and help him learn practical tips on how to work on the fundamentals of his relationship. I loved this one. So practical and wise.
August 17, 2025
Sara shares history of love thru books, experiences, and songs even has diagram models of various love types (8) when most show a couple.
I do not see much to share with group so far 😕
Sara is a world renowned social psychologist, psychosexual therapist, and relationship expert. This is my first time reading this author.
322 pages not 352.
It's getting better but for personal reasons but group.
I do not see much to share with group so far 😕
Sara is a world renowned social psychologist, psychosexual therapist, and relationship expert. This is my first time reading this author.
322 pages not 352.
It's getting better but for personal reasons but group.
December 14, 2024
Shamelessly copying from the book synopsis:
Attraction: What do you like and value about each other?
Respect: How do you keep each other’s needs and priorities in mind?
Trust: Do you know that you will show up for each other consistently?
Compassion: Can you honor the other’s emotional experience without making it about you?
Shared vision: Where are you committed to going together?
Loving behaviors: How do you show your partner they’re special to you?
Attraction: What do you like and value about each other?
Respect: How do you keep each other’s needs and priorities in mind?
Trust: Do you know that you will show up for each other consistently?
Compassion: Can you honor the other’s emotional experience without making it about you?
Shared vision: Where are you committed to going together?
Loving behaviors: How do you show your partner they’re special to you?
April 15, 2025
"Love by Design" both introduces a novel framework for the types of relationships and components of a great (emergent) relationship, and helpful tools and strategies for individuals/couples who want to evaluate their relationships. The personal narratives included in the book serve as illustrative examples of each relationship type as well as concrete examples that support the understanding and application of recommended strategies to improve relationship dynamics. I think the whole book is worth reading, but it's organized in a way that you could jump to the chapter that pertains to your relationship.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews