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Parenting the Hurt Child : Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
When a child is adopted, he or she can arrive with hurts from past pain. With time, patience, informed parenting, and appropriate therapy, your adopted child can heal, grow, and develop beyond what seems possible now.
Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky explain how to manage a hurting child with loving wisdom and resolve and how to preserve your stability while untangling their thorny hearts.
• Indexed for easy reference.
• Also Adopting the Hurt Child
Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky explain how to manage a hurting child with loving wisdom and resolve and how to preserve your stability while untangling their thorny hearts.
• Indexed for easy reference.
• Also Adopting the Hurt Child
295 pages, Hardcover
First published March 19, 2002
78 people are currently reading
1029 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
July 7, 2016
Nope. A few things about this book were ok, but I couldn't get past the blatant vilification of first families. (p 52: "...dumped by a drug-addicted mom"; p.53: "...the hurt child is familiar with anger and rage and has experienced much of it throughout his life with his birth family.")
The author actually suggests that parents mock their hurting child's tantrums and dare them to "do better". Ah, I know exactly how that would go over in my home, and it would not be pretty, and CERTAINLY not healing, for my child. What a ridiculously counterproductive and escalating choice, and the very antithesis of building attachment and trust with a hurting child.
The "culture" the author claims children come from (p.168) is actually a list of things that result from poverty and broken child welfare systems, not a first family's "culture". Belittling and vilifying a first family does nothing to grow trust with a child that has a natural bond with that family. Not all adoptions are the result of abuse and neglect, and many adoptees with loving first families (who felt compelled through circumstances of poverty and lacking social support systems) still suffer from the trauma of adoption. The author doesn't seem to understand this.
The author's denouncement of respite was also disappointing. Obviously families should approach respite with care to ensure children's needs and attachments are considered. But parents with no gas left in the tank cannot be the patient loving parents, day after day, in the face of constant extreme challenges at home. Breaks are 100% vital to survival. He writes (p. 257) "Remember, what is accepted practice (re: respite) now will probably be critically evaluated by others in the future". I find this an ironic statement, as it will likely apply to all of his own advice. Parents who are being challenged constantly need support, not a guilt trip, and the chance to unwind for even a few hours can be the difference a family needs to live in peace. A refreshed parent has a better chance to calmly help a dis-regulated child get back on track than a frazzled, exhausted, mentally and emotionally worn-down one parent who has been told that taking a break will damage their child's attachment. Dangerous baloney. Self care is of paramount importance, because parenting hurt kids is tough stuff.
The author actually suggests that parents mock their hurting child's tantrums and dare them to "do better". Ah, I know exactly how that would go over in my home, and it would not be pretty, and CERTAINLY not healing, for my child. What a ridiculously counterproductive and escalating choice, and the very antithesis of building attachment and trust with a hurting child.
The "culture" the author claims children come from (p.168) is actually a list of things that result from poverty and broken child welfare systems, not a first family's "culture". Belittling and vilifying a first family does nothing to grow trust with a child that has a natural bond with that family. Not all adoptions are the result of abuse and neglect, and many adoptees with loving first families (who felt compelled through circumstances of poverty and lacking social support systems) still suffer from the trauma of adoption. The author doesn't seem to understand this.
The author's denouncement of respite was also disappointing. Obviously families should approach respite with care to ensure children's needs and attachments are considered. But parents with no gas left in the tank cannot be the patient loving parents, day after day, in the face of constant extreme challenges at home. Breaks are 100% vital to survival. He writes (p. 257) "Remember, what is accepted practice (re: respite) now will probably be critically evaluated by others in the future". I find this an ironic statement, as it will likely apply to all of his own advice. Parents who are being challenged constantly need support, not a guilt trip, and the chance to unwind for even a few hours can be the difference a family needs to live in peace. A refreshed parent has a better chance to calmly help a dis-regulated child get back on track than a frazzled, exhausted, mentally and emotionally worn-down one parent who has been told that taking a break will damage their child's attachment. Dangerous baloney. Self care is of paramount importance, because parenting hurt kids is tough stuff.
December 16, 2015
My notes and summary from the book:
Introduction
-Parents do not need to have a consequence for a child’s every misdeed.
-Family fun should not be contingent on child behavior.
-Expectations are more effective and powerful than lots of rules.
-Parents must decide what information is private about the child.
-Hurt children get better when their pain is soothed, their anger reduced, their fears quelled, and their environment contained.
CH1: Who is the hurt child?
CH2: Dare to parent
-Hurt children are sensitive their own vulnerability and perceived weakness. They act terrified of losing control and fearful of control by others.
-Hurt children often have unhealthy fears
-They have survivor’s mentality and deny their vulnerability (think nothing can hurt them).
-Healthy fear eventually leads to respect, empathy and love, and a child cannot arrive at one stage without going through the prior stages.
-Vulnerability and perceived weakness
-Being cooperative , compliant, and receptive translates to losing.
-For healthy children, control over them equates to love. They believe their parents are all-powerful and it’s okay for them to be vulnerable. They can be weak without being unsafe, and this helps them develop a conscience (internalize morals based on fear of disapproval).
CH3: What doesn’t work
-Nurturing vs. rewards – Nurturing happens whether or not the child behaves well; rewards are more like bribery to achieve a particular behavior. Children should not be reward for doing what they are expected to do.
-Should never withhold affection/love towards the hurt child. It is impossible to make them feel worse than they already have been made to feel.
-Punishment: empathy and consequences are much better teachers than lecturing/words
-Hurt need time-ins with parents instead of time-outs. Instead of grounding, it is better to require permission for everything so there are no assumptions about what is okay to do.
-Deprivation: Taking things way from hurt children (who are used to losing everything) is ineffective. Instead, if something is going to be taken away, it needs to be taken away forever so they learn to believe what you say. For example, if they continually fail to take care of a toy/s, you can let them know that you are going to give them to a child who doesn’t have any of those toys (and make the child’s life easier because it will be less for them to clean up and take care of).
-Anger: Must remember that anger is a hurt child’s best friend. In fact, they are often the most unhappy when parents are joyful. Anger helps them feel safe and distant, and when he sees it in others, he feels powerful. It brings the level of energy the child is accustomed to.
-Equality: respond with “We’re all different, and the world doesn’t always treat us fairly or equally. It’s much better to learn this at a young age than on your first job assignment.”
CH4: What works
-Authors argue that the most effective ways to achieve attachment is through touch, smell, speech, motion, warmth, and eye contact.
-Best not to tell hurt child consequences of their behaviors, instead, parents should alternate responses so the child is always guessing as to what you will do.
-Be very careful in offering praise, it can easily make them feel as if they’ve lost control; should offer praise indirectly (let them overhear it). Also, don’t offer praise for expected behaviors (like using manners)
-Negative behaviors: turn all negative behaviors into something that you control (act like it is what you wanted them to do anyway). E.g., rating a tantrum, ask them to scream louder, predict their negative behavior.
-Work on training degrees of bad and good (e.g., “behave” to them means being perfect). Given them a rating scale, such as down to neck is not so bad, below belt is really bad
-Make very clear to hurt children expectations of your family – our family does “x”; for example, we are “truthtellers” in our family – don’t rely on subtle cues, use explicit ones
CH5: Cinnamon on applesauce
-Eye contact is very important, mimic the way that you spend a huge amount of time starting at an infant. P84 has a whole list of games/techniques
-p90 has list of techniques on how to do movement together, activities, etc.; nurturing through food is also important – see p95
-Enhancing communication – tell adoption story over and over, past experiences with kids, etc.
-p99 has several techniques for physical closeness with children
CH6: The school dance
-Teach children phrases to help them survive in school and practice them: e.g., I need help, I can do difficult things, I always have a choice, I can learn from my mistakes, I like to try new things, I like school, I can solve this, I know I can count on myself, I know where to get help, I can solve problems, I need your help to understand.
-Make sure you establish communication lines with educators early and often
CH7: Rough waters – all about getting your child unstuck and how to handle tough times
CH8: Life preservers – Lists of resources to get help from others
CH9: Finding useful help – how to find the best therapist
CH10: Ask an expert – Q&A for the authors for specific children
-kids may try to recreate sensory memories (like smell of urination) for comfort
-kids’ life book must represent reality of why they were removed from parents
-p203 has several techniques about how to deal with lying
CH11: Parents and children talk back – testimonials from parents and adopted children
CH12: Reprinted articles written by authors
-p256 good article on importance of holding and touch
Introduction
-Parents do not need to have a consequence for a child’s every misdeed.
-Family fun should not be contingent on child behavior.
-Expectations are more effective and powerful than lots of rules.
-Parents must decide what information is private about the child.
-Hurt children get better when their pain is soothed, their anger reduced, their fears quelled, and their environment contained.
CH1: Who is the hurt child?
CH2: Dare to parent
-Hurt children are sensitive their own vulnerability and perceived weakness. They act terrified of losing control and fearful of control by others.
-Hurt children often have unhealthy fears
-They have survivor’s mentality and deny their vulnerability (think nothing can hurt them).
-Healthy fear eventually leads to respect, empathy and love, and a child cannot arrive at one stage without going through the prior stages.
-Vulnerability and perceived weakness
-Being cooperative , compliant, and receptive translates to losing.
-For healthy children, control over them equates to love. They believe their parents are all-powerful and it’s okay for them to be vulnerable. They can be weak without being unsafe, and this helps them develop a conscience (internalize morals based on fear of disapproval).
CH3: What doesn’t work
-Nurturing vs. rewards – Nurturing happens whether or not the child behaves well; rewards are more like bribery to achieve a particular behavior. Children should not be reward for doing what they are expected to do.
-Should never withhold affection/love towards the hurt child. It is impossible to make them feel worse than they already have been made to feel.
-Punishment: empathy and consequences are much better teachers than lecturing/words
-Hurt need time-ins with parents instead of time-outs. Instead of grounding, it is better to require permission for everything so there are no assumptions about what is okay to do.
-Deprivation: Taking things way from hurt children (who are used to losing everything) is ineffective. Instead, if something is going to be taken away, it needs to be taken away forever so they learn to believe what you say. For example, if they continually fail to take care of a toy/s, you can let them know that you are going to give them to a child who doesn’t have any of those toys (and make the child’s life easier because it will be less for them to clean up and take care of).
-Anger: Must remember that anger is a hurt child’s best friend. In fact, they are often the most unhappy when parents are joyful. Anger helps them feel safe and distant, and when he sees it in others, he feels powerful. It brings the level of energy the child is accustomed to.
-Equality: respond with “We’re all different, and the world doesn’t always treat us fairly or equally. It’s much better to learn this at a young age than on your first job assignment.”
CH4: What works
-Authors argue that the most effective ways to achieve attachment is through touch, smell, speech, motion, warmth, and eye contact.
-Best not to tell hurt child consequences of their behaviors, instead, parents should alternate responses so the child is always guessing as to what you will do.
-Be very careful in offering praise, it can easily make them feel as if they’ve lost control; should offer praise indirectly (let them overhear it). Also, don’t offer praise for expected behaviors (like using manners)
-Negative behaviors: turn all negative behaviors into something that you control (act like it is what you wanted them to do anyway). E.g., rating a tantrum, ask them to scream louder, predict their negative behavior.
-Work on training degrees of bad and good (e.g., “behave” to them means being perfect). Given them a rating scale, such as down to neck is not so bad, below belt is really bad
-Make very clear to hurt children expectations of your family – our family does “x”; for example, we are “truthtellers” in our family – don’t rely on subtle cues, use explicit ones
CH5: Cinnamon on applesauce
-Eye contact is very important, mimic the way that you spend a huge amount of time starting at an infant. P84 has a whole list of games/techniques
-p90 has list of techniques on how to do movement together, activities, etc.; nurturing through food is also important – see p95
-Enhancing communication – tell adoption story over and over, past experiences with kids, etc.
-p99 has several techniques for physical closeness with children
CH6: The school dance
-Teach children phrases to help them survive in school and practice them: e.g., I need help, I can do difficult things, I always have a choice, I can learn from my mistakes, I like to try new things, I like school, I can solve this, I know I can count on myself, I know where to get help, I can solve problems, I need your help to understand.
-Make sure you establish communication lines with educators early and often
CH7: Rough waters – all about getting your child unstuck and how to handle tough times
CH8: Life preservers – Lists of resources to get help from others
CH9: Finding useful help – how to find the best therapist
CH10: Ask an expert – Q&A for the authors for specific children
-kids may try to recreate sensory memories (like smell of urination) for comfort
-kids’ life book must represent reality of why they were removed from parents
-p203 has several techniques about how to deal with lying
CH11: Parents and children talk back – testimonials from parents and adopted children
CH12: Reprinted articles written by authors
-p256 good article on importance of holding and touch
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 8, 2014
First off: I am not a parent. I'm an adult adoptee. I read a lot of adoption books, including this one, in order to gain a fuller understanding of myself and my relationships with my family.
Not that this would normally matter, but I'm also an atheist. I'm not an angry, pushy atheist, but I'm not interested in having others' faith pushed on me. I wasn't aware that this was a book by born-again Christian authors, printed by a Christian publisher, until the non-sequitur screed about abortion and contraception on page 39. The Christian slant wasn't overpowering, but it was definitely present. This is not what I signed up for!
I also didn't sign up for a commercial for Foster Cline's "Parenting with Love and Logic" products, which were mentioned many, many times in this book. One mention would have been okay, but this was overkill.
There was a lot of interesting and helpful information in this book, and I'm glad I read it, but there were also a lot of things I couldn't get behind. Once again, I'm not a parent, so I'll freely admit that I can't completely understand, but I winced at statements like "healthy children also develop a level of fear [of their parents]" (p. 42), and "It is not necessary to be consistent with hurt children." (p. 67) I also don't believe that the authors' close ties to Foster Cline, whose therapy techniques are controversial, does them any favors.
In short: this book is worth reading, but know what you're getting into. If your beliefs are more aligned with those of the authors, you'll likely enjoy this more than I did.
Not that this would normally matter, but I'm also an atheist. I'm not an angry, pushy atheist, but I'm not interested in having others' faith pushed on me. I wasn't aware that this was a book by born-again Christian authors, printed by a Christian publisher, until the non-sequitur screed about abortion and contraception on page 39. The Christian slant wasn't overpowering, but it was definitely present. This is not what I signed up for!
I also didn't sign up for a commercial for Foster Cline's "Parenting with Love and Logic" products, which were mentioned many, many times in this book. One mention would have been okay, but this was overkill.
There was a lot of interesting and helpful information in this book, and I'm glad I read it, but there were also a lot of things I couldn't get behind. Once again, I'm not a parent, so I'll freely admit that I can't completely understand, but I winced at statements like "healthy children also develop a level of fear [of their parents]" (p. 42), and "It is not necessary to be consistent with hurt children." (p. 67) I also don't believe that the authors' close ties to Foster Cline, whose therapy techniques are controversial, does them any favors.
In short: this book is worth reading, but know what you're getting into. If your beliefs are more aligned with those of the authors, you'll likely enjoy this more than I did.
January 12, 2018
After reading Deborah Gray's Nurturing Adoptions, Keck & Kopecky come out with a bang! This is a straight-shooting pair who does not mince words in their frustration with psychologists.
Keck & Kopecky also have a unique perspective in expressing consistent support of and respect for the parents that enter into what they know will be challenging adoptions. Rather than dwell on their limitations as necessitating assistance, Keck and Kopecky point out that these parents were functioning well before they adopted. They seek to encourage and strengthen parents as the pivotal day in day out support for hurt children.
This book is also extremely practical for parents in the trenches. Short chapters includes idea lists for practical implementation of suggested strategies with disclaimers for parents to discover and utilize the strategies that work for them and their specific children.
I am looking forward to revisiting this book after our placement for ideas in how to address the specific concerns we encounter. The more I write about this book, and trudge through long bombastic works by others, the more I value the contribution Keck & Kopecky have made! Highly recommended.
For more on adoption, I recommend:
The Connected Child, Purvis, 2007
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Adopted for a Purpose, Youd, 1986
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Keck & Kopecky also have a unique perspective in expressing consistent support of and respect for the parents that enter into what they know will be challenging adoptions. Rather than dwell on their limitations as necessitating assistance, Keck and Kopecky point out that these parents were functioning well before they adopted. They seek to encourage and strengthen parents as the pivotal day in day out support for hurt children.
This book is also extremely practical for parents in the trenches. Short chapters includes idea lists for practical implementation of suggested strategies with disclaimers for parents to discover and utilize the strategies that work for them and their specific children.
I am looking forward to revisiting this book after our placement for ideas in how to address the specific concerns we encounter. The more I write about this book, and trudge through long bombastic works by others, the more I value the contribution Keck & Kopecky have made! Highly recommended.
For more on adoption, I recommend:
The Connected Child, Purvis, 2007
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
Adopted for a Purpose, Youd, 1986
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...
May 3, 2010
As an adoptive parent, I found this book to be an outstanding and extremely empathetic look at the struggles faced by adoptive parents and their children. The authors did an excellent job providing suggestions for things you can do to help your child, while also providing lots of suggestions and encouragement for parents. It's easy to read and filled with great ideas.
While many similar books focus on how parents can help their children form attachments, heal from past trauma, etc., this book also conveyed deep levels of empathy for adoptive parents and lots of suggestions for parents who are struggling to connect with their "hurt" children.
I've read many books for adoptive parents, but this one is truly one of my favorites. I wish I had read it before I adopted my daughter, or in the first few months after she joined our family. I think it should be required reading for prospective adoptive families, and I highly recommend it.
While many similar books focus on how parents can help their children form attachments, heal from past trauma, etc., this book also conveyed deep levels of empathy for adoptive parents and lots of suggestions for parents who are struggling to connect with their "hurt" children.
I've read many books for adoptive parents, but this one is truly one of my favorites. I wish I had read it before I adopted my daughter, or in the first few months after she joined our family. I think it should be required reading for prospective adoptive families, and I highly recommend it.
June 26, 2011
Although I liked some of what the authors say in this book in terms of spending quality time with children, I can also see how their attitude toward control over the child leads to a lack of respect for children and a failure to listen to their needs. Not my favorite book, but I can see coming to it as a last resort for extremely behaviorally challenged kids.
February 20, 2012
If I were to rate only the first half of the book, I would give probably 4 or 5 stars. But I was so disappointed with the last half of the book that I can only give it 2 stars.
The first half of the book (relating to discipline, etc.) was really helpful. But after that, it felt almost as if the authors said "ok, we don't feel like writing any new material anymore.... Let's just write the bare minimum and then say 'for more information, you should really read Parenting With Love And Logic.'" It got to the point where I almost wished I hadn't started this book and just read Parenting With Love And Logic instead. The last half of the book consists of responses from adoptees and adoptive parents; some of it was really helpful, but even some of their statements (parents' statements - not the adoptees) seemed like shameless promotion of the authors - both their books and services as therapists - and other books out there in the adoption world. I really, really enjoyed the perspectives of the adoptees!
When I truly felt that the authors merely became tired of writing is when the book abruptly ended after the chapter of collections of past writings... The last chapter is merely a collection of articles the authors have written in the past. They almost seem haphazardly placed in the book, and then the books just ends immediately after that chapter - no conluding chapter or anything...
I wish I could bring myself to rate this book higher, but I am just too disappointed.
The first half of the book (relating to discipline, etc.) was really helpful. But after that, it felt almost as if the authors said "ok, we don't feel like writing any new material anymore.... Let's just write the bare minimum and then say 'for more information, you should really read Parenting With Love And Logic.'" It got to the point where I almost wished I hadn't started this book and just read Parenting With Love And Logic instead. The last half of the book consists of responses from adoptees and adoptive parents; some of it was really helpful, but even some of their statements (parents' statements - not the adoptees) seemed like shameless promotion of the authors - both their books and services as therapists - and other books out there in the adoption world. I really, really enjoyed the perspectives of the adoptees!
When I truly felt that the authors merely became tired of writing is when the book abruptly ended after the chapter of collections of past writings... The last chapter is merely a collection of articles the authors have written in the past. They almost seem haphazardly placed in the book, and then the books just ends immediately after that chapter - no conluding chapter or anything...
I wish I could bring myself to rate this book higher, but I am just too disappointed.
December 23, 2018
Of all the books I've read about adoption, this one is by far the best. If you are thinking about adopting a child or have already done so, or if you work with adoptive families in any way, you need to read this book.
March 29, 2012
During our long training sessions in preparation to complete a special-needs adoption, social workers recommended this particular book over and over again. I started to wonder what all the fuss was about, so I did a quick search on the library website, and found there was only one copy floating around. Yikes! I requested it right away.
It wasn't far into the book before I understood what was going on. Ah, I see. Our course of learning how to parent special needs kids? Yeah, it almost felt lifted from this book :)
That's not a criticism of either the book or the class, it just notes that everything that the social workers thought we needed to learn about parenting kids with issues was covered in this book, only to a far more in-depth degree than could possibly be covered in a class full of people asking questions.
This book is written more for parents who are already parenting these children and facing issues from the abuse, neglect, and other circumstances the kids have endured in the past, and so is chock-full of helpful suggestions for activities and conversations, ways to work around traditional parenting advice that can be awful for these kids, and ways to wrap your head around techniques that may seem counterintuitive to even the most willing parent. There are pages and pages I needed to xerox so I could be sure to have them on hand in the future, and additional pages and pages in the back of further resources that I would have copied... but discovered they were already a part of our big parenting handbook from the province.
If you are dealing with common issues such as attachment problems, lying, or control issues which crop up in many adopted kids, there are lots of coping strategies and advice to keep you from pulling your hair out. The book also touches on some of the more extreme cases, and gives great, real-world accounts written by both parents and kids who have been there of the real life techniques they used to make it through the hard times.
If you are still preparing to bring your kids home, as we are, this book is a way to get a great leg-up on knowing more details of things you can expect, so that you are already prepared when the stormclouds blow in. Kind of like stocking up your storm shelter for tornado season, but putting those supplies in your emotional bank instead.
I recommend this book highly to adoptive and prospective adoptive parents. The writing is approachable and not as academic and offputting as many books on this subject matter can be. It's a great conversational read, and while it isn't a light book by any means, it also isn't one you'll struggle to find your way through.
It wasn't far into the book before I understood what was going on. Ah, I see. Our course of learning how to parent special needs kids? Yeah, it almost felt lifted from this book :)
That's not a criticism of either the book or the class, it just notes that everything that the social workers thought we needed to learn about parenting kids with issues was covered in this book, only to a far more in-depth degree than could possibly be covered in a class full of people asking questions.
This book is written more for parents who are already parenting these children and facing issues from the abuse, neglect, and other circumstances the kids have endured in the past, and so is chock-full of helpful suggestions for activities and conversations, ways to work around traditional parenting advice that can be awful for these kids, and ways to wrap your head around techniques that may seem counterintuitive to even the most willing parent. There are pages and pages I needed to xerox so I could be sure to have them on hand in the future, and additional pages and pages in the back of further resources that I would have copied... but discovered they were already a part of our big parenting handbook from the province.
If you are dealing with common issues such as attachment problems, lying, or control issues which crop up in many adopted kids, there are lots of coping strategies and advice to keep you from pulling your hair out. The book also touches on some of the more extreme cases, and gives great, real-world accounts written by both parents and kids who have been there of the real life techniques they used to make it through the hard times.
If you are still preparing to bring your kids home, as we are, this book is a way to get a great leg-up on knowing more details of things you can expect, so that you are already prepared when the stormclouds blow in. Kind of like stocking up your storm shelter for tornado season, but putting those supplies in your emotional bank instead.
I recommend this book highly to adoptive and prospective adoptive parents. The writing is approachable and not as academic and offputting as many books on this subject matter can be. It's a great conversational read, and while it isn't a light book by any means, it also isn't one you'll struggle to find your way through.
January 10, 2018
Really disappointed with this one. So much of the book seemed like filler (chapters made entirely of stories from parents and children, while interesting, would be better woven into the book at meaningful times, rather than just a hodgepodge of other peoples' narratives), and the rest of it seemed like a huge ad for reading "Parenting with Love and Logic." Which I am probably not going to do, because this was the book I checked out of the library, not that one, and I would appreciate if it actually had content beyond "Go and read this other book that we wrote."
I also was unaware that this was a Christian publisher before I checked out the book. Before someone gets offended by that, let me clarify that I am a Christian and wasn't exactly SURPRISED since I had seen the book recommended on the blogs of other Christians. The publisher made me wary just because I have my own set of issues with Christian publishers and I know how disappointing their books can be. The high praise I read about this book made me hope that my fears were unfounded. Unfortunately, that didn't completely seem to be the case.
There are some deep underlying beliefs here that I think differ from mine quite a bit and led to the author's viewpoint not sitting right with me in a few places. In particular, there were occasionally glimpses of an extremely negative viewpoint towards any "outside" parenting advice and an overemphasis on control of the parents. It skirted the line of judgmental often, and at times there were very explicit efforts made for the authors to clarify: I am not saying this. I can appreciate clarification but it seems like it would have been easier for the authors to not run the risk of being misinterpreted by being more clear originally. Misinterpretation is never completely avoidable, but more effort could have been made here.
I began skimming the book after a few overbearing comments about control and a completely useless and irrelevant paragraph about abortion - it was way out of left field, and I'm pro life myself. It had nothing to do with the chapter and was completely inappropriate and distracting. At that point, I wondered if the author was trying too hard to convey his own politics and beliefs under the veil of parenting advice.
The lists of things to do with children are helpful, and include a lot of simple and fun ideas. I may scan those for future reference, since they were the primary benefit of this book.
I also was unaware that this was a Christian publisher before I checked out the book. Before someone gets offended by that, let me clarify that I am a Christian and wasn't exactly SURPRISED since I had seen the book recommended on the blogs of other Christians. The publisher made me wary just because I have my own set of issues with Christian publishers and I know how disappointing their books can be. The high praise I read about this book made me hope that my fears were unfounded. Unfortunately, that didn't completely seem to be the case.
There are some deep underlying beliefs here that I think differ from mine quite a bit and led to the author's viewpoint not sitting right with me in a few places. In particular, there were occasionally glimpses of an extremely negative viewpoint towards any "outside" parenting advice and an overemphasis on control of the parents. It skirted the line of judgmental often, and at times there were very explicit efforts made for the authors to clarify: I am not saying this. I can appreciate clarification but it seems like it would have been easier for the authors to not run the risk of being misinterpreted by being more clear originally. Misinterpretation is never completely avoidable, but more effort could have been made here.
I began skimming the book after a few overbearing comments about control and a completely useless and irrelevant paragraph about abortion - it was way out of left field, and I'm pro life myself. It had nothing to do with the chapter and was completely inappropriate and distracting. At that point, I wondered if the author was trying too hard to convey his own politics and beliefs under the veil of parenting advice.
The lists of things to do with children are helpful, and include a lot of simple and fun ideas. I may scan those for future reference, since they were the primary benefit of this book.
December 20, 2015
I do not have a lot of time to read these days but I devoured this book. From the introduction I was hooked - this guy GETS IT! Finally someone who understands what we've been going through and has some real help to offer beyond good, solid but basic parenting tips. Because sometimes no matter how much you love or how consistent you are that's just not enough. Trauma of all kinds causes neurological changes, hurt that cannot be seen except for how it manifests in behavior, often difficult behavior. Thirty pages in I texted a friend who has struggled with two adopted daughters for nearly a decade to make sure she was reading it too. We were ready to do a Thelma and Louise to Ohio to storm Dr. Keck's office and essentially worship at his feet ... only to discover he has passed away. This is by far the most helpful book I've read pertaining to adoption and fostering kids from hard places. I read it myself and large portions of it aloud to my husband, my copy is two weeks old and its marked up and tattered. I bought a copy for our counselor and another for a co-worker who is fostering two little boys. It's that good.
March 1, 2013
If giving 1/2 stars was possible, this would receive 3 1/2 stars instead of 4. The first part of the book was excellent, providing much insight to behavior, feelings, emotions, thoughts of the hurt child. It certainly opened my eyes. However, it would have been helpful to have more practical advice on how to deal with the child, rather than as many examples and stories. As a grandmother of a "hurt" child, I learned some useful techniques, but wish there had been more.
November 19, 2019
An important reas for anyone adopting or planning on adopting and bringing a child from a hard palce into their family. It talks not only about working together as a family, it gives insight into the process of many forms of adoption, while still focusing on the family needs as a whole and how important pacing yourself is when becoming a bigger family.
February 13, 2024
Mixed feelings on this one. The first half really pulled me in and gave me a lot to think on and try. So for that I’m giving 4 stars. The end seemed like a scrapbook of information and I struggled to want to finish this book.
A good book to check out if you are an adoptive parent or are considering it even if you only read half of it. 🙂
A good book to check out if you are an adoptive parent or are considering it even if you only read half of it. 🙂
May 2, 2022
Disappointing - I feel like I write the same reviews every time, but again just completely lacking in the socioeconomic/ racial factors & complexity of adoption. Especially international adoption. The whole thing was a bit of a mess structurally and just didn’t do it for me, like, at all.
July 22, 2019
Excellent information, but I feel like last 2 chapters could have been cut from the book.
July 24, 2019
The first half had lots of good information. I am mystified as to why they kept padding onto the end with random material.
May 21, 2021
If you’re an adoptive parent this is a good read. Puts your worries into prospective and gives you a little more insight from a professionals point of view.
March 5, 2023
this book changes my perspective (esp. on adoption matters and hurt children). would def. recommend to my millenial friends
October 26, 2024
bit dated, but much still to glean
Helpful both philosophically and practically with issues related to caring for a hurt child in the home, no matter the relationship
Helpful both philosophically and practically with issues related to caring for a hurt child in the home, no matter the relationship
March 18, 2012
1. Who is the Hurt Child - understanding the attachment cycle
- choosing the right kind of therapy
2. Dare to Parent
- the fears of hurt children (vulnerability & perceived weakness), parent-centered families
3. What Doesn't Work
- rewards, punishments, withholding love, time outs, grounding, deprivation, anger, equality
4. What Works
- avoid control battles, INconsistency, SPECIFIC praise, flexibility (make his behavior what you want), helping kids differentiate between degrees of good & bad, tough paybacks, singing, reasonable expectations, win-win, nurturing and fun
5. Nurturing the Hurt Child: LISTS OF ACTIVITIES!
- eye contact, touch, movement, food, communication, containment, fun
6. The School Dance - when to lead & when to follow
7. Surviving When It Feels Like Nothing Works
- behaviors that are resistant to change, reparenting (getting unstuck)
8. Life Preservers
- financial issues, therapy (speech, occupational, marriage), homeland tours
9. Connecting with the Right Therapist
10. Q&A
11. Stories from Those Who've Been There
12. Reprinted Articles
- affirming the reality of the hurt adoptee (openness, truth, full disclosure), RAD
13. Resource list
14. Related readings
- choosing the right kind of therapy
2. Dare to Parent
- the fears of hurt children (vulnerability & perceived weakness), parent-centered families
3. What Doesn't Work
- rewards, punishments, withholding love, time outs, grounding, deprivation, anger, equality
4. What Works
- avoid control battles, INconsistency, SPECIFIC praise, flexibility (make his behavior what you want), helping kids differentiate between degrees of good & bad, tough paybacks, singing, reasonable expectations, win-win, nurturing and fun
5. Nurturing the Hurt Child: LISTS OF ACTIVITIES!
- eye contact, touch, movement, food, communication, containment, fun
6. The School Dance - when to lead & when to follow
7. Surviving When It Feels Like Nothing Works
- behaviors that are resistant to change, reparenting (getting unstuck)
8. Life Preservers
- financial issues, therapy (speech, occupational, marriage), homeland tours
9. Connecting with the Right Therapist
10. Q&A
11. Stories from Those Who've Been There
12. Reprinted Articles
- affirming the reality of the hurt adoptee (openness, truth, full disclosure), RAD
13. Resource list
14. Related readings
September 2, 2009
In my work as a psychologist for the St. Louis Family court I run across a lot of youths with Reactive Attachment Disorder, from abuse and neglect of a variety of types in their formative years. As a result thse children are very damaged in their ability to form and sustain adaptive relationships, and the task of the adoptive family is to, as best they can, reconstruct (or construct for the first time) more growth-oriented relationship. A daunting task with a very difficult population of "hurt" children. I have always had great admiration for adopting parents in general, and those who adopt children with special needs of ANY kind get a special halo, and those who adopt these emotionally damaged kids get a WOWSERS! from me! This book is a follow-upto Adopting the JHurt Child" by the same authors and is intended to be a sort of tuidebook and a massive source of resources and techniques for such parents. Even if you're never going to adopt a kid, please know that these children with very challenging needs are out there and there are many of them, and they deserve the best treatment and raising they can get!
May 4, 2011
I HIGHLY recommend this book for parents who have adopted. It is the sequel to "Adopting the Hurt Child" and is extremely informative. Raising adopted children can be difficult. Techniques that one might use for children who have not been adopted may not work. It is important to properly understand how to deal with challenges of "hurt children." Keck writes about reactive attachment disorder and its effects. He not only provides the reader with an understanding of these children's backgrounds, but he shows and gives families the techniques to provide the best optimal learning environment. This would also be useful for teachers who are looking to strengthen their skills in rearing students who may be dealing with these backgrounds.
November 26, 2011
This is one of those Yes! Yes! Yes! books. I wish everyone who has adopted or loves a family who has adopted would read this book. I'm only a few chapters in, but it is resounding solidly with me.
Just finished this book. The ending of this book is perfect, and I think you can tell a lot about a book by how it begins and ends. For those who have been personally involved in adoption, either by being the birth parent, adoptee, or adoptive parent - this book is FOR you. And for everyone else, you will at some point know, be impacted by, and conceivably care about any of these in the adoption triad. Reading this book will help you to better understand and know how to support us. Thank you.
Just finished this book. The ending of this book is perfect, and I think you can tell a lot about a book by how it begins and ends. For those who have been personally involved in adoption, either by being the birth parent, adoptee, or adoptive parent - this book is FOR you. And for everyone else, you will at some point know, be impacted by, and conceivably care about any of these in the adoption triad. Reading this book will help you to better understand and know how to support us. Thank you.
January 11, 2011
A valuable resource for adoptive parents. I am so glad I read this book. Its tone is realistic but not depressing, so I believe parents would feel empowered by the information, not discouraged by it. The significant trauma some children may have faced in their pasts and the ways that trauma manifests itself in their new adoptive families is addressed. Specific strategies, suggestions, and stories of real families are included. A book to revisit throughout the parenting journey.
The book often cross-references the book Parenting with Love and Logic, and suggests this method as a constructive approach for hurt children.
The book often cross-references the book Parenting with Love and Logic, and suggests this method as a constructive approach for hurt children.
April 8, 2015
"Abused children learn to rely on control as a means to survive, and it is, indeed, an effective technique. However, once a child leaves the abusive environment, the behavior is no longer necessary or appropriate. In fact, he must learn to abandon his control issues if he is to survive in his new environment. The very things that kept him alive in the pat will ultimately result in a very difficult life - perhaps even death. He must reverse his thinking if he is to truly survive and become a productive member of society. Helping him accomplish this shift in perspective becomes the parents' job."
October 1, 2008
Awesome parenting tips for my family and lots for anyone's family. They give pages of real and easy ideas on how to increase love and trust between you and your children and between siblings. There are fun ideas like becoming sticker sisters (you both wear a matching sticker all day but it's your little secret) or hiding chocolate kisses around the house for when they come home from school but before they can eat them they have to hug and kiss you OR each other for each one they want to eat.
Lots of cool stuff. I am totally asking Santa for this book so I can own it and mark it up.
Lots of cool stuff. I am totally asking Santa for this book so I can own it and mark it up.
January 6, 2009
I was directed to this book by our counselor and was so thankful to have read it.
It really spoke to the issues we have been going through with our daughter, who is adopted from China.
This is a great read to examine your approaches and responses, and help give an understanding into your child's complex and deeply ingrained fears and struggles.
Highly recommend this to the adoptive parent working on bonding or attachment concerns.
It really spoke to the issues we have been going through with our daughter, who is adopted from China.
This is a great read to examine your approaches and responses, and help give an understanding into your child's complex and deeply ingrained fears and struggles.
Highly recommend this to the adoptive parent working on bonding or attachment concerns.
August 30, 2013
Definitely the best book I've read on what happens after adoption. The book tackles how to foster attachment and addresses various issues that adopted children can face. It offers practical advice and suggestions on what to do if the parent and child need more help than a book can provide. I truly hope I won't need this book when my daughter comes home but we may face some of these issues. If so, I have a good resource to turn to.
August 9, 2010
This book was actually depressing at the start. I wasn't sure I wanted to read the whole thing, but I am glad I kept with it. Keck & Kupecki offer solid advice that feel matches the personalities of my husband and me. While this book presents worst case scenarios, it also left me feeling hopeful about dealing with whatever potential issues my future adopted child would have.
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