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A Scientific Guide to Successful Relationships
A life partnership is a learning experience. We are constantly learning the ways we were wrong, and the ways we can be better, kinder, more patient, more empathetic, more respectful and more appreciative. Indeed, such a partnership is perhaps the most educational and most humbling experience most of us will have in our lives.
The goal of this guide is to provide a practical summary of the science of romantic relationships. In addition to the evolutionary origins of the emotions that make relationships at once so challenging and so nourishing, it presents the skills and patterns that predict positive outcomes in relationships. Most importantly, the guide discusses how to implement this information, which can only be effectively applied in the context of the appropriate attitude. That attitude is, "I'm never perfect, never done growing, and neither is my partner. But I'm always growing, and so is my partner, so we're exactly where we need to be."
The goal of this guide is to provide a practical summary of the science of romantic relationships. In addition to the evolutionary origins of the emotions that make relationships at once so challenging and so nourishing, it presents the skills and patterns that predict positive outcomes in relationships. Most importantly, the guide discusses how to implement this information, which can only be effectively applied in the context of the appropriate attitude. That attitude is, "I'm never perfect, never done growing, and neither is my partner. But I'm always growing, and so is my partner, so we're exactly where we need to be."
162 pages, ebook
First published January 1, 2012
24 people are currently reading
2935 people want to read
About the author
Emily Nagoski
37 books2,945 followersThe official bio is:
"Emily Nagoski has a PhD in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University (IU), and a master’s degree (also from IU) in Counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education."
What all that means, really, is that I am here to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. It's a small goal in the grand scheme of things - I'm not trying to bring peace to the Middle East or repair the ozone layer - but it's a goal that I think truly does have the power to change lives and, ultimately, the world.
You can find me online:
Twitter @enagoski
Facebook Emily Nagoski
Medium @emilynagoski
Blog
"Emily Nagoski has a PhD in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University (IU), and a master’s degree (also from IU) in Counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education."
What all that means, really, is that I am here to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. It's a small goal in the grand scheme of things - I'm not trying to bring peace to the Middle East or repair the ozone layer - but it's a goal that I think truly does have the power to change lives and, ultimately, the world.
You can find me online:
Twitter @enagoski
Facebook Emily Nagoski
Medium @emilynagoski
Blog
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
July 20, 2022
Emily Nagoski wrote one of the books that changed my life -- Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. In the same vein, her other, shorter work on relationships (that actually speaks about all types of attachments, not just romantic) is very insightful. Here are some parts I marked:
⭐ there are four stages of attachment: 1. Proximity seeking (you want to be near the object of attachment), 2. Safe haven (you want to be near them when things go wrong), 3. Separation anxiety (you feel worse when you're not near them), 4. Secure base (they become your emotional home, you learn to be with them and are not in pain without them).
⭐ When we are stressed, very often we revert to our very worst patterns of attachment, communication, and resource sharing. If stress is inhibiting your ability to be nice to your partner, to listen to them, to express appreciation, to respect their autonomy, etc, then you absolutely must do something about the stress itself, not just about the stressors.
⭐ [Y]ou have to deal with the stress, not just the stressors, and that means completing the stress response cycle. The two most efficient strategies for doing that are physical activity and affection. The more you allow stress to accumulate, the more conflict will emerge in your relationship, and the more difficult you'll find it to manage that conflict healthfully.
⭐The extent to which you hide parts of yourself from others is the extent to which you are limiting the opportunity for people to love you fully. This is what therapists and motivational speakers really mean when they say, “You have to love yourself before anyone can love you!” They mean you have to be willing to be seen fully by others.
There’s a second risk that comes with learned conditional positive regard, and that’s the fear we feel when our partner displays the behaviours or traits we believe make us unloveable. It’s called “the shadow self.” Very often, the things in your partner that bug you the most are the things in yourself that you feel are unacceptable. Jungian psychology gives us the term “shadow self” to describe the parts of ourselves that we feel most need to be hidden. We are most likely to fall into disrespect, ingratitude, and over-controlling when our partner does what our shadow self wants to do.
⭐ there are four stages of attachment: 1. Proximity seeking (you want to be near the object of attachment), 2. Safe haven (you want to be near them when things go wrong), 3. Separation anxiety (you feel worse when you're not near them), 4. Secure base (they become your emotional home, you learn to be with them and are not in pain without them).
⭐ When we are stressed, very often we revert to our very worst patterns of attachment, communication, and resource sharing. If stress is inhibiting your ability to be nice to your partner, to listen to them, to express appreciation, to respect their autonomy, etc, then you absolutely must do something about the stress itself, not just about the stressors.
⭐ [Y]ou have to deal with the stress, not just the stressors, and that means completing the stress response cycle. The two most efficient strategies for doing that are physical activity and affection. The more you allow stress to accumulate, the more conflict will emerge in your relationship, and the more difficult you'll find it to manage that conflict healthfully.
⭐The extent to which you hide parts of yourself from others is the extent to which you are limiting the opportunity for people to love you fully. This is what therapists and motivational speakers really mean when they say, “You have to love yourself before anyone can love you!” They mean you have to be willing to be seen fully by others.
There’s a second risk that comes with learned conditional positive regard, and that’s the fear we feel when our partner displays the behaviours or traits we believe make us unloveable. It’s called “the shadow self.” Very often, the things in your partner that bug you the most are the things in yourself that you feel are unacceptable. Jungian psychology gives us the term “shadow self” to describe the parts of ourselves that we feel most need to be hidden. We are most likely to fall into disrespect, ingratitude, and over-controlling when our partner does what our shadow self wants to do.
June 20, 2018
Slightly disappointing: I was hoping for something a bit more complex. This is probably worth a read if you haven't read much else on relationships, and probably worth a skim if you have, but it's not of the quality I was expecting, given Nagoski's other writings.
January 15, 2019
This is a short, easy to read book packed with helpful information on how attachment impacts our very most important relationships. Nagoski identifies the most common challenges faced in relationships due to differing attachment styles, and provides practical tools for addressing those challenges.
This book is an e-book, which seems to be lacking in the editing department, and contains swearing, so be aware if either of those things are deal breakers for you.
This book is an e-book, which seems to be lacking in the editing department, and contains swearing, so be aware if either of those things are deal breakers for you.
June 28, 2022
Un libro corto pero útil. No solo para entender las relaciones de pareja sino también la forma en la que nos relacionamos con cualquier persona con la que formamos un attachment. Le quito 1 estrella porque no tiene referencias científicas citadas, recomendaría más verlo como la opinión de la autora y tomar lo que sientas que aplique en tu vida.
April 13, 2018
This is one of the most unscientific book I have read in recent years.
First, the author limit the scope to "healthy" relationship. Why "healthy" couple should read this book is, by itself, an interesting question. What "healthy" means for the author remain an obscure statement.
The author develops some of her thesis around attachment styles. Unfortunately, while attachments style are thought to be an extension of our first attachment (childhood - caregiver), the proof, in the scientific sense, is poor. Attachment theory, applied to adult relationship, appears more or less of a convenient tool to understand bonding between individuals. Nothing scientific there and, from a research standpoint, it is an extremely complex area of study, as it implies cognition, emotions and behavioral measures...
As for a soup, there is often more than carrots in it. Relationship tends to be complex, individual needs often hidden and self-disclosure a real challenge to many "healthy" couple.
More often than not, the author suggestions appear rather simplistic: "ask all what you want, and be ready to accept a NO" for answer. The "science" behind this affirmation, and all affirmations of her book, lack cruelly. We must believe her. Really?
She "forgot" to explain the role of empathy, emotional attunement, generosity, curiosity, the need to say "I am sorry" (repair connection)... and how these behaviors or attitudes nurture the connection between partners. She "forgot" to discuss how sexuality is a "core component" of many couple and how it affects bonding, joy and tolerance between spouses.
The book is, from my point of view, mainly a collection a personal beliefs or opinions about relationship. As such, it serves as a vehicle of her personal view of relationship. If you want science about love, couple or relationship, read Gottman's book: any of his book is better than this one.
First, the author limit the scope to "healthy" relationship. Why "healthy" couple should read this book is, by itself, an interesting question. What "healthy" means for the author remain an obscure statement.
The author develops some of her thesis around attachment styles. Unfortunately, while attachments style are thought to be an extension of our first attachment (childhood - caregiver), the proof, in the scientific sense, is poor. Attachment theory, applied to adult relationship, appears more or less of a convenient tool to understand bonding between individuals. Nothing scientific there and, from a research standpoint, it is an extremely complex area of study, as it implies cognition, emotions and behavioral measures...
As for a soup, there is often more than carrots in it. Relationship tends to be complex, individual needs often hidden and self-disclosure a real challenge to many "healthy" couple.
More often than not, the author suggestions appear rather simplistic: "ask all what you want, and be ready to accept a NO" for answer. The "science" behind this affirmation, and all affirmations of her book, lack cruelly. We must believe her. Really?
She "forgot" to explain the role of empathy, emotional attunement, generosity, curiosity, the need to say "I am sorry" (repair connection)... and how these behaviors or attitudes nurture the connection between partners. She "forgot" to discuss how sexuality is a "core component" of many couple and how it affects bonding, joy and tolerance between spouses.
The book is, from my point of view, mainly a collection a personal beliefs or opinions about relationship. As such, it serves as a vehicle of her personal view of relationship. If you want science about love, couple or relationship, read Gottman's book: any of his book is better than this one.
July 20, 2019
Great little guide
As a marriage counselor myself, I know much of this information. But the author did an excellent job of applying it to real life situations with examples. It is a short but excellent relationship guide with all one needs. We just have to apply it.
As a marriage counselor myself, I know much of this information. But the author did an excellent job of applying it to real life situations with examples. It is a short but excellent relationship guide with all one needs. We just have to apply it.
February 10, 2020
Really good book
I really liked the advices and science behind. Also it is great that we have examples of couples in various scenarios and that helped me understand stuff better. Would definitely recommend it to anyone!
I really liked the advices and science behind. Also it is great that we have examples of couples in various scenarios and that helped me understand stuff better. Would definitely recommend it to anyone!
October 2, 2016
Another amazing book from Emily Nagoski! I cannot sing her praises highly enough. Clear, concise, empathetic, funny - always an easy read.
Everyone should read this book - it focuses on romantic relationships but it can (and should) be applied to friendships and familial relationships. I see science as us humans seeking order (patterns) in the chaos of our universe, so I find it helpful to learn about patterns researchers have found in human behavior, as well as some neuroscience thrown in there as well.
I can't wait to see what Dr Nagoski does next!
Everyone should read this book - it focuses on romantic relationships but it can (and should) be applied to friendships and familial relationships. I see science as us humans seeking order (patterns) in the chaos of our universe, so I find it helpful to learn about patterns researchers have found in human behavior, as well as some neuroscience thrown in there as well.
I can't wait to see what Dr Nagoski does next!
December 11, 2016
I adore Emily Nagoski. I absolutely love the way her writing seamlessly combines anthropological and scientific facts into the humor and levity needed to discuss human behavior without taking yourself too seriously. Highly recommend.
July 9, 2014
Everyone should read this book. Whether you're dating, single, or partnered for life, this guide is a fantastic resource for understanding the science behind healthy relationships.
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March 10, 2015simple advice but annoying. nobody picks this up wanting to learn that if you're jealous, it's you problem. buck up and take responsibility
November 13, 2016
Short and sweet, positive, useful, and realistic.
December 23, 2017
insightful short read on relationships, highly recommened
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews