What do you think?
Rate this book
When Pleasing You Is Killing Me: A Workbook
Do you sometimes feel others take advantage of your good nature? Do your efforts to serve others leave you emotionally drained? When Pleasing You Is Killing Me is a unique self-help workbook that will help you:
* Recognize and Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
* Develop New Attitudes and Behaviors
* Stand Up for Yourself and Serve Others
* Create Balance and Better Manage Your Life Nationally revered psychotherapist Les Carter (formerly of the Minirth-Meier Clinic) shows how to develop your God-given gift of service without allowing others to take advantage of you.
* Recognize and Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
* Develop New Attitudes and Behaviors
* Stand Up for Yourself and Serve Others
* Create Balance and Better Manage Your Life Nationally revered psychotherapist Les Carter (formerly of the Minirth-Meier Clinic) shows how to develop your God-given gift of service without allowing others to take advantage of you.
240 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2007
335 people are currently reading
1187 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
July 3, 2019
I read this book because I wanted to understand the psychological makeup of two very important people in my life. I am a psychologist by education. I was pleasantly surprised with this book because Dr Carter does include technical information about the people pleasing and the controlling personality but he writes with very understandable terminology. I felt it was the message he had to give was more important than the medical terminology, which I think is the correct approach for this book.
Dr Carter brings us into his counselling office and reveals his in depth knowledge of the nature of people pleasers, the controllers who like to take advantage of these people and the interactions between them. He delivers his knowledge by using examples of real life people pleasing clients.
What I loved most about this book was the emphasis was on the people pleaser. In so many books, blogs and YouTube videos there is almost an obsession about the controlling personality. It was so refreshing to read a book that brings the power back to people pleasers by focusing on how this personality type thinks, feels and behaves. I think this is a much more helpful approach for understanding this subject.
The people pleaser may see clearly his or her position in this relationship and how they contribute by their own form of controlling thoughts and behaviours and in so doing can release themselves from the compulsion to please, rather the desire to assist when able and in a way that is by their choice.
An interesting, helpful and insightful read.
I am the author of The Golden Age Desolation
Dr Carter brings us into his counselling office and reveals his in depth knowledge of the nature of people pleasers, the controllers who like to take advantage of these people and the interactions between them. He delivers his knowledge by using examples of real life people pleasing clients.
What I loved most about this book was the emphasis was on the people pleaser. In so many books, blogs and YouTube videos there is almost an obsession about the controlling personality. It was so refreshing to read a book that brings the power back to people pleasers by focusing on how this personality type thinks, feels and behaves. I think this is a much more helpful approach for understanding this subject.
The people pleaser may see clearly his or her position in this relationship and how they contribute by their own form of controlling thoughts and behaviours and in so doing can release themselves from the compulsion to please, rather the desire to assist when able and in a way that is by their choice.
An interesting, helpful and insightful read.
I am the author of The Golden Age Desolation
October 11, 2020
I am so happy I came across Dr. Carter on YouTube and then picked up this book. Dealing with a classic narcissist at work I was desperate to find some guidance and therapy for the tremendous pain I experienced as I encountered his self-indulgent games and my naive idealism to think if I could just try one more time. This book was both informative and introspective. It helped me see my contributions to these negative cycles.
It’s been 9 months since I made my first assertive yet self-controlled stand at work, and I stopped seeking the resolution that my people-pleasing self so deeply desired...and things have been unbelievably better. I haven’t changed him, his mindset, his outbursts, or his narcissistic games, but they now have no power over me...and he knows it.
Thank you to Dr. Carter. So glad he spread his guidance and support with such a wide net. This book was so helpful, and the 100’s of YouTube videos are such a gift to the world as well.
It’s been 9 months since I made my first assertive yet self-controlled stand at work, and I stopped seeking the resolution that my people-pleasing self so deeply desired...and things have been unbelievably better. I haven’t changed him, his mindset, his outbursts, or his narcissistic games, but they now have no power over me...and he knows it.
Thank you to Dr. Carter. So glad he spread his guidance and support with such a wide net. This book was so helpful, and the 100’s of YouTube videos are such a gift to the world as well.
March 9, 2021
This review is definitely subjective, because of the target audience. This book is about me! If you are a people pleaser or think you might be, you should read this book. I learned so much about why I am the way that I am.
Unlike in the author's other book that I read, The Anger Trap, he does not interject religion into the text, which is good, because a "self help" book should be relatable for all people who need it regardless of beliefs.
As I usually say when I read a book like this, I wish everyone would read it, even those who don't need it per se. It would help other people to understand what it's like, but I know this is an unrealistic wish!
I recommend this to anyone who is a people pleaser, anyone who feels like other people control them too much, people who are low on self confidence, and anyone who is interested in reading about how humans tick.
Unlike in the author's other book that I read, The Anger Trap, he does not interject religion into the text, which is good, because a "self help" book should be relatable for all people who need it regardless of beliefs.
As I usually say when I read a book like this, I wish everyone would read it, even those who don't need it per se. It would help other people to understand what it's like, but I know this is an unrealistic wish!
I recommend this to anyone who is a people pleaser, anyone who feels like other people control them too much, people who are low on self confidence, and anyone who is interested in reading about how humans tick.
July 3, 2019
I'm really glad I picked up this book. I enjoyed the assorted questions throughout the text, as it kept me engaged and really pondering the material. There is a lot of self reflection that comes with a workbook like this and I'm glad I spent the time doing it.
It made me realize several things about myself. Sometimes it's hard to know just where to start with healing and recovery, but I think this book certainly helped me tackle some outstanding issues I struggle with in all of my relationships.
If you like to do more than just passively read advice, and want to be prompted to ponder and assess where you stand, then this book has you in mind. I enjoyed the observations and also the new ways of thinking about how to communicate and assert needs that I found throughout this workbook.
It made me realize several things about myself. Sometimes it's hard to know just where to start with healing and recovery, but I think this book certainly helped me tackle some outstanding issues I struggle with in all of my relationships.
If you like to do more than just passively read advice, and want to be prompted to ponder and assess where you stand, then this book has you in mind. I enjoyed the observations and also the new ways of thinking about how to communicate and assert needs that I found throughout this workbook.
March 15, 2020
This book was incredibly helpful. Les Carter’s approach to conflict and self sabotage is eye opening. If you are struggling to figure out how to form healthy relationships with mutual respect this is a must read.
May 9, 2023
My therapist made me read this when we discovered a core issue of people pleasing (i hope you like this review!!! No worries if not) and it was a game changer.
December 8, 2024
as a recovering people pleaser, this book was so good. very applicable situations and concepts to incorporate into your life to stop taking on the burden of others. this book taught me that I am not responsible for other people’s reactions to my boundaries, I do not need to befriend everyone I encounter myself with if I feel their values/perspectives don’t align with me, and I deserve to have a voice, express myself, and say no, just as much as I have (for years) allowed people to do this to me without merit. I recommend this book if you are in the beginning steps of not letting others push you around or make you feel like you are not worthy. this book taught me that being assertive vs being selfish/disloyal/mean is not the same thing. we do not need to live in a constant state of feeling guilty and inadequate for being our true selfs and if people are making you feel that way, then they aren’t your people. entering my assertive and confident era 🫡
January 5, 2021
If you are a people-pleaser and/or have narcissists in your life, this is a must-read. It's too easy to get pulled into thinking you are the one creating all the drama or problems when it is actually not at all dramatic to find, see, and stand up for your self-worth. The drama often comes from the person that refuses to respect your healthy boundaries. Very affirming to see what is not my fault, how I have allowed myself to be a doormat, what is in my power to improve in myself, and how I can work towards making healthy changes. Dr. Carter also has a fantastic youtube video series under the channel "Surviving Narcissism." I highly recommend his work and am incredibly thankful for his insights!
April 24, 2023
"When people pleasers assume unnecessary responsibility for others, it sets into motion the possibility of an even deeper problem --enabling others in their unhealthy ways." (excerpt)
Being a people pleaser attracts individuals into your life that aim to take advantage of your kindness.
Your kindness and empathetic personality must not be without believing and standing up for yourself.
I appreciated how this book explains how to have healthy mechanisms that we can and should have when others in our life are trying to control us, how important boundaries are, and how to respond and not react. If you have "controllers" in your life, I highly recommend this book!
Being a people pleaser attracts individuals into your life that aim to take advantage of your kindness.
Your kindness and empathetic personality must not be without believing and standing up for yourself.
I appreciated how this book explains how to have healthy mechanisms that we can and should have when others in our life are trying to control us, how important boundaries are, and how to respond and not react. If you have "controllers" in your life, I highly recommend this book!
March 2, 2024
Les Carter does an immaculate job of further detailing his work. This book adds depth to his "Surviving Narcissism" youtube channel and podcast that will truly benefit a lot of people. I took my time reading this book and found that may not be the best option. Once he introduces the reader to case examples, the reader is obligated to remember them throughout the book.
I highly recommend "When Pleasing You is Killing Me" if you follow any of Les Carter's work.
I highly recommend "When Pleasing You is Killing Me" if you follow any of Les Carter's work.
November 19, 2020
As always Less Carter explains difficult concepts in a simple and convincing way bursting our denial bubbles ushering us to the better world; one in which we are able to acknowledge problematic behaviours and learn more effective ways of relating to others without sacrificing or overextending ourselves and yet remaining decent, compassionate human beings.
December 1, 2020
A Very Helpful Resource
This is a book to be studied! I will return again and again to this information as I continue to change from people pleasing to calm assertiveness. Thank you, Dr Carter.
This is a book to be studied! I will return again and again to this information as I continue to change from people pleasing to calm assertiveness. Thank you, Dr Carter.
May 22, 2022
Dr. Carter uses past patients’ stories to illustrate different types of co-dependency and then provides strategies or plans for overcoming it. I liked his checklists to figure out where there are problem areas. Very helpful book!
January 12, 2020
Great book!
This book spoke to my heart. I will carry the information from it for the rest of my life. Highly recommend!
This book spoke to my heart. I will carry the information from it for the rest of my life. Highly recommend!
April 16, 2020
I did a lot of the suggestions in this book. it feels like its slowly helping
December 8, 2021
Very helpful and life changing
March 2, 2022
Excellent book about dealing with narcissists.
February 21, 2023
4.5 - a little cheesy at times but much needed 😵💫
December 30, 2024
i think this book has set me up to make real changes in my life.
June 14, 2025
it was a really good book.
November 30, 2022
People pleasing? Why? This book helps unravel the reasons and the issues with constantly trying to appease everyone. Claim yourself stop pleasing. It helps you and everyone else.
June 20, 2022
A book to keep for future reference
I had wanted to buy this book for a while, since a friend of mine recommended Dr. Carter's videos on YouTube; I am so happy I finally did. I found myself relating to many of the situations presented, and taking comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Much of the advice presented has helped me make changes for the better. This is a book I have recommended, and will continue to recommend. It will remain in my library for when I need a reminder to stay strong and not slip back into old habits.
I had wanted to buy this book for a while, since a friend of mine recommended Dr. Carter's videos on YouTube; I am so happy I finally did. I found myself relating to many of the situations presented, and taking comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Much of the advice presented has helped me make changes for the better. This is a book I have recommended, and will continue to recommend. It will remain in my library for when I need a reminder to stay strong and not slip back into old habits.
July 4, 2021
An Excellent Read...
...for those of us buckling under the weight of making everyone else happy at our own expense. I appreciate Les Carter’s straight-forward, no frills approach to leading people pleasers to accept that the decision to choose more wisely rests squarely on our own shoulders. We may have created those selfish people in our lives, but we don’t have to keep feeding them.
...for those of us buckling under the weight of making everyone else happy at our own expense. I appreciate Les Carter’s straight-forward, no frills approach to leading people pleasers to accept that the decision to choose more wisely rests squarely on our own shoulders. We may have created those selfish people in our lives, but we don’t have to keep feeding them.
November 17, 2010
Insightful. Tough. Helpful.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews