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The Good Funeral: Death, Grief, and the Community of Care
Two of the most authoritative voices on the funeral industry come together here in one volume to discuss the current state of the funeral. Through their different lensesâ€"one as a preacher and one as a funeral directorâ€"Thomas G. Long and Thomas Lynch alternately discuss several challenges facing "the good funeral," including the commercial aspects that have led many to be suspicious of funeral directors, the sometimes tense relationship between pastors and funeral directors, the tendency of modern funerals to exclude the body from the service, and the rapid growth in cremation. The book features forewords from Patrick Lynch, President of the National Funeral Directors Association, and Barbara Brown Taylor, highly praised author and preacher. It is an essential resource for funeral directors, morticians, and pastors, and anyone else interested in current funeral practices.
280 pages, Hardcover
First published August 23, 2013
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
January 1, 2015
Coughing as I was, and contemplating my inevitable journey to the edge of mystery, a New Year’s Eve completion of this book seemed a good way to end 2014. After 27 years as a clergyperson, I’ve had many opportunities for such contemplation. Any seminarian can pick up a Book of Common Worship or funeral handbook, and stumble through the basics of planning and leading a worship service at times of death. But deeper questions about why we do the things we do often go unanswered or even unexamined. This book answers some of those questions.
Thomas Lynch is an undertaker (I think he might actually prefer that term to “funeral director”) who works near the territory in which I grew up and was schooled. Tom Long was my preaching professor at Princeton Seminary, whose writing and conference speaking has guided my ministry for decades. You can look up their biographies, so I needn’t say more about them. Either alone writes with wisdom and grace, but put them together in one book, and you have a magnificent dialogue that ends up feeling like an authoritative classic on the topic addressed.
I will venture to call the book a post-mitfordian text, in the sense that the authors are not just carrying on a dialogue with one another, but also debating the work, influence, and lingering effects of Jessica Mitford’s The American Way of Death. They acknowledge the abuses Mitford exposed, and bemoan the damage that undertakers and ministers imposed on themselves by buying into America’s commercialization of death. Then they point out the way the Mitfordian Movement has pushed us in another direction that has led many to deal with death in spiritually and emotionally impoverished ways. That Mitford could write her text, and not mention the tragic deaths of her first husband and two young children, and, apparently, was no better in processing grief with her surviving family members, is a case study example that waves a red flag at us.
Theologically, Tom Long’s anti-gnostic emphasis, which has grown more pronounced in recent years, is on full display. “Bodies matter, and a society is only as healthy as its concern for the safety and health of the physical bodies of its citizens …. What happens, or doesn’t happen, to the bodies of the dead tells us much about what we believe about life and death, what we think of ourselves as a society.” This is one way to summarize the nexus of the theology and praxis surrounding a good funeral; our actions toward the dying and dead will reveal to what extent our theology is truly Christian.
The Lynch/Long emphasis on practices that respect the body, include the body in our gatherings, and exercise great care to accompany the body all the way to the grave is posed as an alternative to the mitfordian practice of quickly whisking the body away in the best possible antiseptic and industrial manner. The Lynch/Long practice reflects an opposition to a neo-platonic understanding of the body as simply an “empty shell” from which one's true essence has escaped. Again, as others have said in a pithy way, “matter matters.”
Though I cannot identify a chapter that was “best” for me, one did especially trigger my imagination, perhaps because of two family deaths this year, and that was chapter seven on the theory and practice of cremation (Lynch). From the Lynch/Long perspective, there’s nothing innately wrong with the use of fire as an element or tool in accompanying our loved ones to the grave. But when you imagine the theology reflected in contemporary practice, it’s usually not satisfying: bodies delivered to an unknown crematorium in the back of an industrial park, stacked in rows, a cardboard box with a metal disk placed in a retort (there’s a new vocabulary word for me) for high-temperature baking, and ultimately returned to family in a small box or vessel that may or may not have a place in worship services leading to burial or scattering. Lynch and Long don’t major in ridicule, but when they do, it effectively makes a point, e.g., “The memorial service, by avoiding the embodied dead, the shovel and shoulder work, the divisions of labor and difficult journey to the grave or the pyre, too often replaces theology with therapy, conviction with convenience, the full-throated assurances of faith with a sort of memorial karaoke where ‘everyone gets to share a memory.’ ” What if, in cases of cremation, we began to accompany the body to and from the crematory? What if we adopted the practices of other cultures by including in the final journey funeral pyres around which families and friends celebrate liturgical traditions? There’s a picture to ponder.
Thomas Lynch is an undertaker (I think he might actually prefer that term to “funeral director”) who works near the territory in which I grew up and was schooled. Tom Long was my preaching professor at Princeton Seminary, whose writing and conference speaking has guided my ministry for decades. You can look up their biographies, so I needn’t say more about them. Either alone writes with wisdom and grace, but put them together in one book, and you have a magnificent dialogue that ends up feeling like an authoritative classic on the topic addressed.
I will venture to call the book a post-mitfordian text, in the sense that the authors are not just carrying on a dialogue with one another, but also debating the work, influence, and lingering effects of Jessica Mitford’s The American Way of Death. They acknowledge the abuses Mitford exposed, and bemoan the damage that undertakers and ministers imposed on themselves by buying into America’s commercialization of death. Then they point out the way the Mitfordian Movement has pushed us in another direction that has led many to deal with death in spiritually and emotionally impoverished ways. That Mitford could write her text, and not mention the tragic deaths of her first husband and two young children, and, apparently, was no better in processing grief with her surviving family members, is a case study example that waves a red flag at us.
Theologically, Tom Long’s anti-gnostic emphasis, which has grown more pronounced in recent years, is on full display. “Bodies matter, and a society is only as healthy as its concern for the safety and health of the physical bodies of its citizens …. What happens, or doesn’t happen, to the bodies of the dead tells us much about what we believe about life and death, what we think of ourselves as a society.” This is one way to summarize the nexus of the theology and praxis surrounding a good funeral; our actions toward the dying and dead will reveal to what extent our theology is truly Christian.
The Lynch/Long emphasis on practices that respect the body, include the body in our gatherings, and exercise great care to accompany the body all the way to the grave is posed as an alternative to the mitfordian practice of quickly whisking the body away in the best possible antiseptic and industrial manner. The Lynch/Long practice reflects an opposition to a neo-platonic understanding of the body as simply an “empty shell” from which one's true essence has escaped. Again, as others have said in a pithy way, “matter matters.”
Though I cannot identify a chapter that was “best” for me, one did especially trigger my imagination, perhaps because of two family deaths this year, and that was chapter seven on the theory and practice of cremation (Lynch). From the Lynch/Long perspective, there’s nothing innately wrong with the use of fire as an element or tool in accompanying our loved ones to the grave. But when you imagine the theology reflected in contemporary practice, it’s usually not satisfying: bodies delivered to an unknown crematorium in the back of an industrial park, stacked in rows, a cardboard box with a metal disk placed in a retort (there’s a new vocabulary word for me) for high-temperature baking, and ultimately returned to family in a small box or vessel that may or may not have a place in worship services leading to burial or scattering. Lynch and Long don’t major in ridicule, but when they do, it effectively makes a point, e.g., “The memorial service, by avoiding the embodied dead, the shovel and shoulder work, the divisions of labor and difficult journey to the grave or the pyre, too often replaces theology with therapy, conviction with convenience, the full-throated assurances of faith with a sort of memorial karaoke where ‘everyone gets to share a memory.’ ” What if, in cases of cremation, we began to accompany the body to and from the crematory? What if we adopted the practices of other cultures by including in the final journey funeral pyres around which families and friends celebrate liturgical traditions? There’s a picture to ponder.
March 29, 2016
I had moderate expectations of this book which increased greatly after I read the first few chapters. Lynch and Long are good writers and interesting people as revealed in those early chapters in which they take turns introducing themselves, how they became fascinated by the business and theology of funerals, and their basic approach to the subject. Unfortunately, much of the rest of the book was a disappointment. Theological ideas were never fleshed out, disdain for current practices was harped upon without much in the way of suggested correction, both authors spent far too much time blaming Jessica Mitford and her "The American Way of Death" for leading people astray. I will probably refer to the book occasionally for insights into how to bring best practices into my own ministry but the gems here are too thinly spread to consider it (pardon the mixed metaphor) a "gold mine."
March 20, 2015
What an amazing book. Full of insight on how social customs, the funeral business and our attitudes have changed our personal involvement in this end of life ritual. Stating that what makes a "good funeral .....is one that gets the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be." And that is and has always been a constant...but that it is important HOW we carry this out...
August 5, 2024
The first two chapters were wonderful, otherwise this book would only be two stars in my opinion. The rest of the book is mostly a screed against Jessica Mitford's " The American Way of Death ". It's important, they say over and over again, to accompany the dead on their journey, to be there for them. You spend so much on celebrating a wedding, why not a funeral? They very much seem to dislike the term " memorial service ". I remember the very first funeral I ever went to. I was in my early '20s and my great aunt had died. She had been a widow for years, living on social security. Her family could not afford a beautiful casket. The very cheapest one was covered in pink burlap ( I am not kidding!) I imagine to discourage families from purchasing it for their loved one.) It was, however, the only one her family could afford. Tell me again how you only want to support the dead and their families in their "journey ". I could tell you more stories, but I am just too mad! As a young widow, I had a " memorial " service for my late husband, and one for my son. The journey for them was over when they died. I did not need to put them in a very expensive "box" and accompany them to a very expensive "plot". They were already where they needed to be. I'm surprised that there weren't ads for the authors services in the back of the book!
May 15, 2024
Overall I enjoyed the book and got some great insights from it. I think the authors try to tie the line between acknowledging the shortcomings of the funeral industry while advocating for having good funerals. I agree with them that we should all be less avoidant of exposure to dying, death, and dead bodies. That being said, I think the authors are a bit negative about some of the ways people respond to the death of loved ones. It’s almost as if they’re trying to save their jobs…
In any case, I’d recommend this book to a lot of folks, if for no other reason than that it encourages us to embrace mortality, which I unequivocally believe we should do more of.
In any case, I’d recommend this book to a lot of folks, if for no other reason than that it encourages us to embrace mortality, which I unequivocally believe we should do more of.
April 8, 2018
Not an evangelical view of death and the afterlife, but argues that funerals should be public to honor the dead and help those left behind know how to live. Book would be more helpful it it contained ideas on how to respond to the issues both authors see with current trends in funerals.
March 17, 2020
Long and Lynch look at funeral rituals as a theologian and a funeral director/poet. Funerals are not just about tending to the dead but are a necessary rites of passage for the living. The rituals we follow for honoring our beloved dead create a liminal space for possible transformations (Victor Turner). In our vanishing of the bodies from funeral services, memorial services, and “graveside” services we remove the rituals that we humans have always needed. Long and Lynch offer profound insights on the subject of death and grief in this beautifully written book.
August 3, 2018
The best convergence of pastoral care and practical theology - grief, loss, counseling, death, hope - I have ever read.
January 17, 2021
Love the way Tom Long talked about call. Great insight into death and ministry of death.
March 14, 2023
Valuable Wisdom
March 18, 2024
I didn’t quiteeee finish it (I found it pretty repetitive) but I loved the content and gained a lot of info and inspiration from it. Hospice nurse vibes haha
September 1, 2025
A very insightful read, especially for someone who may be involved in planning a funeral in the near future
February 27, 2016
One author is a funeral director and the other a minister/teacher of preachers. They have been writing for many years separately and together about the way we deal with the dead. They decry the disembodied nature of the contemporary attempts to deal with death -- making much of the absence of the body from funerals. They find this deeply problematic in a variety of ways.
What they write here I've read in parts by them elsewhere, in places like the Christian Century. I've resisted what they write, in part because even though many of the services I have conducted lacked a body, I have tried to keep a good balance between making place for grief and celebrating the life. We've not had any golf-themed services. I'm proud of the services I've performed and I have been commended for them by family, attendees, and funeral directors.
I'm still not convinced the body must be present for a good funeral -- and I do much the same thing whether the body is present or not -- but I do think this is a book that all clergy need to wrestle with. I didn't give it five stars because I'm in complete agreement. I gave it five stars because it is forcing me to deal with the nature of death and our desire, of recent vintage, to make it a private affair.
A statement that continues to appear and reappear throughout the book sums up the good funeral in this way: ""Getting the dead where they need to go, get the living where they need to be."
What they write here I've read in parts by them elsewhere, in places like the Christian Century. I've resisted what they write, in part because even though many of the services I have conducted lacked a body, I have tried to keep a good balance between making place for grief and celebrating the life. We've not had any golf-themed services. I'm proud of the services I've performed and I have been commended for them by family, attendees, and funeral directors.
I'm still not convinced the body must be present for a good funeral -- and I do much the same thing whether the body is present or not -- but I do think this is a book that all clergy need to wrestle with. I didn't give it five stars because I'm in complete agreement. I gave it five stars because it is forcing me to deal with the nature of death and our desire, of recent vintage, to make it a private affair.
A statement that continues to appear and reappear throughout the book sums up the good funeral in this way: ""Getting the dead where they need to go, get the living where they need to be."
September 3, 2014
I have too much to say about this book to say it as well as I'd like to, and have already tried at length and failed, so will try to keep my review short. Thomas Long and Thomas Lynch both write well and informatively about their subject in The Good Funeral, and it was a fascinating, although, for me, a bit of a plodding read. I would love to have read it in a class, and to have had the opportunity to meet with other people to discuss each section. It will, no doubt, be useful in seminaries and mortuary science schools for just that purpose. For this lay reader, though, it didn't quite work. I am often drawn to books about death, and read this one as an admirer of Thomas Lynch's previous works and a veteran of many funerals. But I disagreed with the authors' conclusions (particularly on the role of faith in making meaning of death and the importance of having the deceased's body present) about what is required for a "good funeral." Still, I am grateful to have benefited from Long and Lynch's insights from their many years as pastor and funeral director, and they have given me a lot of food for thought as well as a couple of good leads on what to read next.
April 1, 2015
I may not have chosen this book to read anytime soon, although the topic does interest me, but it is one of our 'Take and Read' book choices, to be read by next week's class.
It is co-written by Thomas Lynch, a funeral director, and Thomas G. Long, a preacher and theologian. Both of them lament the loss of the funeral in our day, being replaced by the 'memorial service' and 'celebration of life' that we see these days.
"A funeral can be called "good," rather, when it accomplishes its proper purposes, when it does the work a funeral is supposed to do. "A good funeral," says Thomas Lynch cogently, "is one that gets the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be."
This is a theme that resonates throughout the various chapters, and the importance of accompanying our loved one from 'here to there', as we care for the body and 'accompany' it right to the place of deposition, whether earth, or fire, or water. Thomas Lynch decries the use of machinery to fill in the grave in the absence of loved ones....which makes me feel especially good about honouring my Dad's wishes, that we fill in the grave ourselves, manually.
It is co-written by Thomas Lynch, a funeral director, and Thomas G. Long, a preacher and theologian. Both of them lament the loss of the funeral in our day, being replaced by the 'memorial service' and 'celebration of life' that we see these days.
"A funeral can be called "good," rather, when it accomplishes its proper purposes, when it does the work a funeral is supposed to do. "A good funeral," says Thomas Lynch cogently, "is one that gets the dead where they need to go and the living where they need to be."
This is a theme that resonates throughout the various chapters, and the importance of accompanying our loved one from 'here to there', as we care for the body and 'accompany' it right to the place of deposition, whether earth, or fire, or water. Thomas Lynch decries the use of machinery to fill in the grave in the absence of loved ones....which makes me feel especially good about honouring my Dad's wishes, that we fill in the grave ourselves, manually.
October 24, 2013
Halloween is one of my favorite days, and in keeping with the season as well as a raft of other reasons, I read this book today. A worthwhile exercise.
I was raised in a community in which funerals have established rituals. I also inhabit a secular culture which prizes the individual, choice, personal preferences, and in which, as one of the authors here says, sex has become public and death has become private. So it is useful to think about "how to get the dead person where (s)he needs to go, and the living where they need to be".
Sharing in the cynicism of our time, I have some bias against the funeral business. And yet, we do need help to take care of our dead. We can hand it over to the professionals, but don't we have a need to do something ourselves as well? And shouldn't there be a public component to what we do?
This book is repetitive and the authors may also have some 'skin in the game'. They have experience, too. I found what they have to say helpful and honestly presented.
I was raised in a community in which funerals have established rituals. I also inhabit a secular culture which prizes the individual, choice, personal preferences, and in which, as one of the authors here says, sex has become public and death has become private. So it is useful to think about "how to get the dead person where (s)he needs to go, and the living where they need to be".
Sharing in the cynicism of our time, I have some bias against the funeral business. And yet, we do need help to take care of our dead. We can hand it over to the professionals, but don't we have a need to do something ourselves as well? And shouldn't there be a public component to what we do?
This book is repetitive and the authors may also have some 'skin in the game'. They have experience, too. I found what they have to say helpful and honestly presented.
January 25, 2014
Another good reads win! Not exactly what I thought I was going to get. Not too sure what I was thinking it was going to be about. A must read for clergy and those who care for the dying and dead. This is a book that all funeral professionals and clergy members should read and keep on the shelf for reference. This book addresses a critical need for five reasons. The first is how we deal with our responses to the grieving. Secondly, there is much fear, confusion, and mistaken ideas about what a good funeral entails. Thirdly, it affirms the special role of funeral directors and clergy. Fourthly, it gives family members a way to grieve, especially when many are unfamiliar with funeral matters. Finally, celebration of life can be a positive thing but it can certainly downplay the reality of death. THE GOOD FUNERAL is a very helpful guide for anyone who is inexperienced at planning a funeral for a family member.
July 12, 2016
It seems that the authors take turns saying the same things in alternating chapters. They mention Jessica Mitford's The American Way of Death and Elizabeth Kubler Ross's five stages of dying and how these stages have been taken over by those who grieve. I kept waiting for the authors to describe the good funeral but they did a better job of describing what not to do when it comes to funerals. They do mention frequently that good funerals are not those that don't have the body present and where mourners are laughing, etc.In order to grieve properly, the dead body should be at the funeral home and mourners should see it and pray over it. The book was repetitive and didn't get to the point. Or at least I didn't get the point.
September 2, 2015
I know you don't want to think about it, but you will die one day. Yes...all of you. Here is a book written by an undertaker and a minister about "The Good Funeral."
Both authors are very entertaining and practical. They tell funny stories and sad ones--kind of like the conversations at a good funeral.
It's a very good book. A funeral is not merely getting rid of a dead body--it is accompanying that body as you did in life to the place of burial. It is recognizing that a human being has lived and died. It is a ceremony, a way to share, a way to say good bye.
Ministers, hospice workers, people interested in death--this is a good book, well-written and thoughful.
Both authors are very entertaining and practical. They tell funny stories and sad ones--kind of like the conversations at a good funeral.
It's a very good book. A funeral is not merely getting rid of a dead body--it is accompanying that body as you did in life to the place of burial. It is recognizing that a human being has lived and died. It is a ceremony, a way to share, a way to say good bye.
Ministers, hospice workers, people interested in death--this is a good book, well-written and thoughful.
February 23, 2016
Long and Lynch, in The Good Funeral, remind us that taking care of the dead is something instilled in our humanity. We have to deal with the body whether it is to be buried, burned or disposed at sea. We also have to deal with our own grief, for the loss affects not just the deceased and those close (their spouse or children), but the whole community. So the community comes together to remember, to take care of the body in an honorable way, and to offer up the life that is no more to God. We honor the dead for to do anything else would strike a blow at our own humanity.
May 23, 2014
A fine, fine book. Thomas Lynch is an undertaker and poet, while Thomas Long is a poetic theologian, and together they have crafted a book every member of the clergy - everyone who fills a church pew, in fact - should read. You won't see eye to eye with them on everything, but they will remind you of the horizon toward which your eyes should gaze.
February 17, 2014
These two writers/speakers offer many insights into the evolution of the funeral industry. As a clergy person I recommend it to other clergy and to lay people. The authors are encouraging us to consider and communicate with family members, funeral directors and clergy as we make important choices in planning these significant events.
January 15, 2016
Lynch is one of the voices I most appreciate right now: Poetic and insightful and brave. Here he teams up with Thomas Long in a wrestling match with a much bigger opponent trying to pull culture back towards meaning, faith, perspective, and depth. Through anecdotes, history, and experience they both bemoan our present way of dealing with death and offer the age-old alternatives.
November 9, 2013
A must read for clergy and those who care for the dying and dead. Written by an undertaker and a clergy person, unique perspectives are offered that can change the way we approach the American funeral
January 12, 2014
Not exactly what I thought I was going to get, but a marvelous examination of the sacredness of the body by a mortician and a great theological exposition on the meaning of the sacred community by a pastor. It opened my eyes to the value of the funeral rituals.
January 19, 2014
I liked this book. It is well written and combines serious issues with humor making the subject very human. I read it because of my job but got a lot out of it personally. It is not for everyone but still a great book.
June 18, 2014
A "down to earth" look at the place of death and funerals in society. The authors challenge to go the distance for our departed loved ones as well as for ourselves. A good read for clergy and undertakers as well as anyone else.
Read
January 15, 2014Gave me an understanding of what happens in the funerals/funeral business and how to internalize it.
May 5, 2014
Thoughtful reflection on various aspects of the funeral, funeral practices, and ways we experience death/grief. Made me think in different ways about embodiment.
June 8, 2015
This book should be on the shelf of every clergy-person, funeral director, counselor, and hospice worker. This is a prophetic challenge to the culture of our times.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews