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I Beg to Differ: Navigating Difficult Conversations with Truth and Love
How do we communicate with people who disagree with us? In today's polarized world, friends and strangers clash with each other over issues large and small. Coworkers have conflicts in the office. Married couples fight over finances. And online commenters demonize one another's political and religious perspectives. Is there any hope for restoring civil discourse? Communications expert Tim Muehlhoff provides a strategy for having difficult conversations, helping us move from contentious debate to constructive dialogue. By acknowledging and entering into the other person's story, we are more likely to understand where they're coming from and to cultivate common ground. Insights from Scripture and communication theory provide practical ways to manage disagreements and resolve conflicts. We can disagree without being disagreeable. And we can even help another see different points of view and learn from one another. Find out how.
224 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2010
26 people are currently reading
291 people want to read
About the author
Tim Muehlhoff
14 books26 followersTim Muehlhoff (PhD, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill) is a professor of communication at Biola University in La Mirada, California, where he teaches classes in family communication, interpersonal communication, persuasion, and gender. He is the author of I Beg to Differ and Marriage Forecasting, and the coauthor of The God Conversation: Using Stories and Illustrations to Explain Your Faith and Authentic Communication: Christian Speech Engaging Culture. Muehlhoff and his wife, Noreen, are frequent speakers at FamilyLife Marriage Conferences, and he has served with Campus Crusade since 1986. They live in Brea, California, with their three boys.
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
June 28, 2023
I better give this book 5 stars since I went out and bought four copies of the book after reading my daughter's copy! When I visit my daughter for a long visit, I have thus far always read one of her books chosen for work. She works for a secular company, but they are not afraid to read (ha! I could stop there as they are not afraid to ask their employees to read books)...they are not afraid to read books that will help their business not matter whether the book is found in the religious section or business section of a bookstore (or, in this case, possibly the communications section).
For those who don't (or do) read scripture verses, scripture verses are included.
For those who don't (or do) the latest brain research / latest research in communication, this also is included. And, I like both.
The writing flows making it easy to read (maybe not cookies on the lowest shelf, but it certainly does NOT read like a textbook). At the end of each chapter there is a summary if you are into "Cliff Notes", and there are also some reflective questions that might be helpful.
While there are example narratives throughout the book, there are also three case studies to show how this all works at the end of the book.
I plan on making "cheat cards" to take with me at one of my next discussion groups...lol...out of sight but there in case I need them. I had picked up another book / video on this same topic, and it didn't quite give me what I needed. It seemed so stilted and both sides had been trained in how to approach one another (I'm not giving the author because I think he does a great job elsewhere). This book, however, shows how to go about "differing" in a kind, loving way without ruining relationships and without just agreeing when you do not. And, only you, one person needs to know how to do it.
Would my mom read it? I might try and see if she would like to do so (I did buy those four copies...lol), but as previously mentioned, she doesn't usually read non-fiction books.
For those who don't (or do) read scripture verses, scripture verses are included.
For those who don't (or do) the latest brain research / latest research in communication, this also is included. And, I like both.
The writing flows making it easy to read (maybe not cookies on the lowest shelf, but it certainly does NOT read like a textbook). At the end of each chapter there is a summary if you are into "Cliff Notes", and there are also some reflective questions that might be helpful.
While there are example narratives throughout the book, there are also three case studies to show how this all works at the end of the book.
I plan on making "cheat cards" to take with me at one of my next discussion groups...lol...out of sight but there in case I need them. I had picked up another book / video on this same topic, and it didn't quite give me what I needed. It seemed so stilted and both sides had been trained in how to approach one another (I'm not giving the author because I think he does a great job elsewhere). This book, however, shows how to go about "differing" in a kind, loving way without ruining relationships and without just agreeing when you do not. And, only you, one person needs to know how to do it.
Would my mom read it? I might try and see if she would like to do so (I did buy those four copies...lol), but as previously mentioned, she doesn't usually read non-fiction books.
January 29, 2016
Summary: Building on an understanding of the dynamics of communication, this book develops a strategy for navigating difficult conversations through asking four key questions of those with whom we differ.
Difference is a given of life. Difference can make life delightful...or disturbing. What can be tough is when two people in some form of significant relationship differ and have to figure out how to make life with each other work. It happens between spouses, parents and children, business partners, and political leaders.
Tim Muehlhoff, a professor of communications, knows all about this. He begins his book with a married couple who come to him with manila folders stuffed full of documentation of the grievances they had with each other. In various settings, he has worked on communication issues with families, men and women, college students, faculty and others in the public and private sectors.
He begins the book laying out some basic truths about communication. He explores how powerful words actually are. He outlines the various causes of conflict including poor communication climate, differing views of reality, lack of credibility, relational transgressions, lack of small talk, and latent conflict. He discusses the necessity of managing and expressing emotions in conflict. And he considers the role and importance of our spiritual disciplines in helping us with our self-control and self-talk.
All this lays the groundwork for four basic questions to ask in difficult conversations:
1. What does this person believe?
2. Why does this person hold this belief?
3. Where do we agree?
4. Based on all I've learned, how should I proceed.
He argues that these questions work to promote understanding in difficult situations because of the rule of reciprocity. When I make a sincere effort to understand another person on their own terms and look for the things we hold in common, it often creates a climate where the other sees themselves as obliged to do the same.
The final question is important. He elaborates it in the chapter as follows: "With this person, at this time, under these circumstances, what is the next thing I should say?" It takes all we've learned about the person through the first three questions under consideration. It considers timing--is this a good time to have this conversation? It considers circumstances--are they conducive to a good conversation? And it focuses on a very specific goal, a manageable agenda--not everything I would ever want to discuss with this person.
The book concludes with three "case studies" of applying this strategy: a disagreement between spouses about finances, a disagreement between work colleagues about religion, and a difference between parent and teen about video games and grades. The dialogues are believable and illustrate a deliberate effort to walk through the four questions.
I found this one of the most helpful books on communication I've read because, while rooted in theory, it didn't become lost in it, but provided very practical steps and illustrations that helped this reader think about how I could actually practice this in the next difficult conversation I face.
He concludes the book with a quote from The Miracle of Dialogue by Reuel Howe:
Dialogue is to love, what blood is to the body. When the flow of blood stops, the body dies. When dialogue stops, love dies and resentment and hate are born. But dialogue can restore a dead relationship. Indeed this is the miracle of dialogue: it can bring relationship into being, and it can bring into being once again a relationship that had died.
Powerful words that seem so crucial for our time. What Muehlhoff does is point us away from the death-dealing discord of our culture to this life-giving dialogue.
Difference is a given of life. Difference can make life delightful...or disturbing. What can be tough is when two people in some form of significant relationship differ and have to figure out how to make life with each other work. It happens between spouses, parents and children, business partners, and political leaders.
Tim Muehlhoff, a professor of communications, knows all about this. He begins his book with a married couple who come to him with manila folders stuffed full of documentation of the grievances they had with each other. In various settings, he has worked on communication issues with families, men and women, college students, faculty and others in the public and private sectors.
He begins the book laying out some basic truths about communication. He explores how powerful words actually are. He outlines the various causes of conflict including poor communication climate, differing views of reality, lack of credibility, relational transgressions, lack of small talk, and latent conflict. He discusses the necessity of managing and expressing emotions in conflict. And he considers the role and importance of our spiritual disciplines in helping us with our self-control and self-talk.
All this lays the groundwork for four basic questions to ask in difficult conversations:
1. What does this person believe?
2. Why does this person hold this belief?
3. Where do we agree?
4. Based on all I've learned, how should I proceed.
He argues that these questions work to promote understanding in difficult situations because of the rule of reciprocity. When I make a sincere effort to understand another person on their own terms and look for the things we hold in common, it often creates a climate where the other sees themselves as obliged to do the same.
The final question is important. He elaborates it in the chapter as follows: "With this person, at this time, under these circumstances, what is the next thing I should say?" It takes all we've learned about the person through the first three questions under consideration. It considers timing--is this a good time to have this conversation? It considers circumstances--are they conducive to a good conversation? And it focuses on a very specific goal, a manageable agenda--not everything I would ever want to discuss with this person.
The book concludes with three "case studies" of applying this strategy: a disagreement between spouses about finances, a disagreement between work colleagues about religion, and a difference between parent and teen about video games and grades. The dialogues are believable and illustrate a deliberate effort to walk through the four questions.
I found this one of the most helpful books on communication I've read because, while rooted in theory, it didn't become lost in it, but provided very practical steps and illustrations that helped this reader think about how I could actually practice this in the next difficult conversation I face.
He concludes the book with a quote from The Miracle of Dialogue by Reuel Howe:
Dialogue is to love, what blood is to the body. When the flow of blood stops, the body dies. When dialogue stops, love dies and resentment and hate are born. But dialogue can restore a dead relationship. Indeed this is the miracle of dialogue: it can bring relationship into being, and it can bring into being once again a relationship that had died.
Powerful words that seem so crucial for our time. What Muehlhoff does is point us away from the death-dealing discord of our culture to this life-giving dialogue.
June 22, 2015
This was a satisfying book for what it's trying to do--provide some basic guidelines for how to handle difficult communication. I most appreciated the spiritual disciplines it outlined along with those difficult conversations. I was reminded yet again of how hard it is for me to ask questions and not spend distracted time in conversations thinking about what I'm going to say. I was also impressed by the reminder that I need to not assume I know what the other person is going to say about an issue but be open to being surprised.
June 12, 2014
In his book on how to have "difficult conversations with truth and love", Tim Muehlhoff presents a 4-step method for having good conversations. Muehlhoff brings philosophy, contemporary social studies, contemporary psychology and biblical wisdom together in a book that attempts to provide the reader with the necessary tools for having meaningful conversations with others. I would highly recommend this book to everybody. See my review on my blog.
January 14, 2023
I was first introduced to Tim Muehlhoff in his interview on Moody Radio (In the Market with Janet Parshall), and knew I had to read the book. Every page was filled with salient points about how Christ-followers can effectively and lovingly engage with people with differing views. It is hard to pick a favorite part of the book, but if I had to, it would be the three case studies. These case studies go through all the principles in the book and applies them to difficult conversations about finances between a husband and wife, religion between co-workers, and excessive use of video games between a mother and son. The summaries at the end of each chapter also help distill the content in memorable and actionable steps.
I highly recommend every Christ-follower to read this book and apply these points in engaging with others!
Here are just a few of my favorite quotes from the book:
• “Our devotion to Christ often makes us poor listeners. When we hear a claim that contradicts our faith, we feel compelled to respond immediately.” (p. 183)
• “One of the most important ways we can show love to another person is to take time to listen and unearth his or her stories.” (p. 87)
• “Many Christians today ignore Paul’s style and communicate in a way that leaves little room for common ground, as communication expert Tim Downs describes: “A wise communicator seeks to build agreements, not arguments. We’re not that different, you and I. we come from similar backgrounds. We want a lot of the same things out of life. We only differ at this one point. Many Christians attempt to communicate with unbelievers with a mind-set more like this: We are completely different people, you and I. I am a citizen of the kingdom of heaven; you are from the domain of darkness. We think differently, we feel differently, we value different things.”” (p. 121)
I highly recommend every Christ-follower to read this book and apply these points in engaging with others!
Here are just a few of my favorite quotes from the book:
• “Our devotion to Christ often makes us poor listeners. When we hear a claim that contradicts our faith, we feel compelled to respond immediately.” (p. 183)
• “One of the most important ways we can show love to another person is to take time to listen and unearth his or her stories.” (p. 87)
• “Many Christians today ignore Paul’s style and communicate in a way that leaves little room for common ground, as communication expert Tim Downs describes: “A wise communicator seeks to build agreements, not arguments. We’re not that different, you and I. we come from similar backgrounds. We want a lot of the same things out of life. We only differ at this one point. Many Christians attempt to communicate with unbelievers with a mind-set more like this: We are completely different people, you and I. I am a citizen of the kingdom of heaven; you are from the domain of darkness. We think differently, we feel differently, we value different things.”” (p. 121)
May 3, 2021
What and excellent read! I highly recommend it. Countless times I was thinking "I dunno Tim..." Only to have him bring it around to Scripture and have it make so much sense. It's filled with such wisdom about conversations and disagreements, which I fear has been lost in our society (hello cancel culture), and even in our churches. I will be re-reading this one.
I also have his book "Winsome Persuasion", which I am now looking forward to with even greater excitement.
I also have his book "Winsome Persuasion", which I am now looking forward to with even greater excitement.
January 12, 2018
I Beg to Differ is about having difficult conversations in a loving way. Muehlhoff discusses the communication environment and outlines a basic approach. First, find out what the other believes, then why they believe it. From that identify common ground. Only then consider what is the next best step to take with this person. This is a helpful, informative book.
February 4, 2024
If you keep falling into the same unhelpful habits during conflict, read this book. The author is a professor of communication, and offers many vivid insights into human nature and need. He circles back to Bible wisdom regularly as he explores and explains the layered ways we interact with each other. A hope giving book for me.
October 7, 2021
This book went a long way in showing me how badly I communicate during difficult conversations. It offers practical methods for getting more out of these conversations for people on both sides of the discussion. Very very good read.
August 12, 2024
Awesome book on communication
August 19, 2014
Here is an overview from the author (page 15):
"I Beg to Differ" introduces readers to a four-part communication strategy for the most difficult of conversations – those we wish to revisit and those we have yet to broach. The strategy centers on four essential questions that an individual must ask during an encounter with someone from a markedly different perspective. Gleaned from communication theory and the wisdom of the Scriptures, it values dialogue over debate, acknowledging and entering into a person’s story, cultivating common ground, acknowledging doubts, and tailoring our communication to a particular person. These principles will not only work in face-to-face encounters but with the uncivil and often ugly exchanges that happen on Facebook or Twitter.
I enjoyed that book and would recommend the author's principles.
"I Beg to Differ" introduces readers to a four-part communication strategy for the most difficult of conversations – those we wish to revisit and those we have yet to broach. The strategy centers on four essential questions that an individual must ask during an encounter with someone from a markedly different perspective. Gleaned from communication theory and the wisdom of the Scriptures, it values dialogue over debate, acknowledging and entering into a person’s story, cultivating common ground, acknowledging doubts, and tailoring our communication to a particular person. These principles will not only work in face-to-face encounters but with the uncivil and often ugly exchanges that happen on Facebook or Twitter.
I enjoyed that book and would recommend the author's principles.
September 12, 2014
This book is fantastic. Every chapter presents a very useful tool for communicating, and has an easily referenced summary section. While it is a Christian book, it is not cheesily so. The author references the Bible, but doesn't take it out of context in order to fit his meaning. I would highly recommend it to anyone.
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June 29, 2016When I suggested this book for our church staff to read together, we looked forward to good discussion and practical handles on communicating more effectively in ministry and in our personal lives. Very helpful both personally and professionally.
June 10, 2015
Book was not exactly what I had in mind. But I did pick up a few pointers and overall I would recommend the book.
October 24, 2016
A very useful book for anyone who want's to learn to communicate more effectively.
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June 9, 2017Very helpful, though challenging, advice.
Read
May 23, 2019#17 of 2019
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews