Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without

by Tom Rath

#1 New York Times bestselling author Tom Rath delivers a fascinating read that will change the way you look at your family, friends, coworkers, and significant other.

What’s the quickest way to ruin a friendship? Can bosses actually learn something from marriages? Are very close friendships in the workplace such a bad thing?

These are just a few of the questions that #1 New York Times bestselling author Tom Rath asked when he embarked on a massive study of friendships. Along with several leading researchers, Rath pored through the literature, conducted experiments and analyzed more than 5 million interviews from Gallup’s worldwide database.

His team’s discoveries produced Vital Friends , a book that challenges long-held assumptions people have about their relationships. And the team’s landmark discovery — that people who have a “best friend at work” are seven times as likely to be engaged in their job — is sure to rattle the structure of organizations around the world.

Drawing on research and case studies from topics as diverse as marriage, management, and architecture, Vital Friends reveals what’s common to all truly essential friendships: a regular focus on what each person is contributing to the friendship — rather than the all-too-common approach of expecting one person to be everything.

Rath’s fast-paced and inviting storytelling takes a mountain of important research and makes it remarkably accessible and applicable. By the time you finish reading Vital Friends , you’ll see your family, friends, coworkers and significant other in a whole new light.

Genres: Nonfiction, Business, Leadership, Self Help, Personal Development, Relationships, Psychology

240 pages, Hardcover

First published June 29, 2006

About the author

Tom is an author and researcher who studies how careers impact health and wellbeing. He has written 12 books that have sold more than 10 million copies and made hundreds of appearances on global bestseller lists. Tom's new book, WHAT'S THE POINT? TURNING PURPOSE INTO YOUR DAILY SUPERPOWER, will be released on April 28, 2026.

Tom's first book, How Full Is Your Bucket?, was an instant #1 New York Times bestseller. His book StrengthsFinder 2.0 was listed as Amazon's top selling non-fiction book of all time. Tom's other bestsellers include Strengths Based Leadership, Wellbeing, Eat Move Sleep, and Are You Fully Charged?

Tom is currently co-founder and CEO of CareerSight. He previously led Gallup's workplace business and served as a Senior Scientist. Tom was also a Vice-Chair of the VHL cancer research organization. He is a graduate of the University of Michigan and the University of Pennsylvania, where he has also been a guest lecturer.
Connect with Tom at:

- www.tomrath.org
- Twitter.com/TomCRath
- Facebook.com/AuthorTomRath
- Google.com/+TomRath
- Linkedin.com/in/trath/

Reviews

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the overall idea and thesis of this book - friendships and relationships are important! They are more important than personal, individual development. A good friend at work increases your engagement and productivity. There are some friends we can't live without. Identifying what these friends bring to the relationship and how they help us can improve our productivity. I thought the list of roles that friends play was interesting. I see value in each of these roles, but I know there are others that are also important.

Even though this book is about relationships and friendship, too much of it seemed very selfish to me. How will this person help me improve and what do they bring to the table? I can see how it's helpful to identify these things, and I did like the idea of sharing with your friends how they bless your life, but I don't think every interaction and friendship should be based on how they can help me. That doesn't seem genuine to me. Friendship needs to be two-sided and honest.

I really liked the reminder that having someone that expects you to be somebody can change your life, as well as the reminder to focus on the small daily things in a friendship and relationship to help someone know that you really care.

So, although I think this book can be summed up in a couple of sentences, here are a few other quotes I did like:

"Throughout my professional life, I have attended countless development programs that aimed to make me more productive. Even when I have dedicated time to developing others, my attention has focused on each person's self-development. I had it all wrong. The potential was hiding within each relationship in my life (p. 1)."

"Once the relationships were broken, little else mattered (p. 8)."

"The men and women who remained homeless for decades had something in common: a lack of healthy friendships (p. 9)."

"Friendships add significant value to our marriages, families, work, and lives. At some level, everything we see and feel is the product of a personal relationship. Look around you and see if you can identify anything created in true isolation. After pondering this for a few moments, you might notice how dependent we are on connections with other people. Remove relationships from the equation, and everything disappears. Yet we think consciously about improving our lives, we focus our development inward. We strive to be better human beings. We try to make ourselves better employees. Even when we step back and focus on developing another person, as great parents and managers do so well, most of our emphasis is on the other person as an individual. We simply bypass the relationship itself. As a result, millions are flat-out disengaged in their marriages and other close friendships (p. 16)."

"Have you ever taken a course in friendships?....is it possible that most of the magic--our room for rapid personal and professional growth--lies in developing our friendships (p. 17)?"

"Perhaps focusing on the individual is too narrow--and focusing on the entire group is too broad. The real energy occurs in each connection between two people, which can bring about exponential returns (p. 18)."

"If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships (p. 20)."

"It looks like we might not need an extraordinarily wide breadth of friends; it is likely to be the quality of our friendships that matters most. Each person needs a few very deep friendships to thrive (p. 26)."

"'Happy marriage are based on deep friendships (p. 30).'"

"The key to any great friendship: focusing on what each friend does contribute to your life (p. 38)."

"Great managers care about each of their employees as a real human being, not just a means to an end (p. 61)."

"The best managers in the world are not only experts in systems, processes, and technical competencies--they are experts in your life. And, because of this, they increase your engagement and productivity at work (p. 63)."

"People have significantly better friendships when they know and can easily describe what each friend contributes to the relationship (p. 76)."

"Vital Friend n. 1. someone who measurably improves your life. 2. a person at work or in your personal life whom you can't afford to live without (p. 76)."

"In friendship, we usually give different things than we receive. Vital friendship roles are not always reciprocated--nor do they need to be (p. 78)."

Builder - "Builders want to invest in what you do well and help you see opportunities that you might otherwise miss. Builders see the best in you even when you can't (p. 89)." "Builders thrive on the intrinsic satisfaction they receive from your development - make sure you tell them about it (p. 90)."

Champion - "Champions stand up for you and what you believe in. They are the friends who sing your praises (p. 93)."

Collaborator - "A collaborator is a friend with similar interests....someone who can relate to your passions (p. 99)."

Companion - "A companion is always there for you, whatever the circumstance....they will sacrifice for your benefit (p. 105)."

Connector - "A connector is a bridge builder who helps you get what you want (p. 111)."

Energizer - "Discover the people who give you energy, and spend time with them (p. 120)."

Mind Opener - "Mind openers are the friends who expand your horizons and encourage you to embrace new ideas, opportunities, cultures, and people. They challenge you to think in innovative ways and help you create positive change (p. 123)."

Navigator - "Navigators are the friends who give you advice and keep you headed in the right direction. You go to them when you need guidance, and they talk through the pros and cons with you until you find an answer (p. 129)."

"The best workgroups we have studied engage in passionate conversations and e-mail discussions about non-work topics. This helps the group bond and makes it stronger (p. 152)."

"Vast, untapped potential exists if we are able to improve the quality of our friendships (p. 153)."

"As I started to describe to my friends what they bring to my life, I found that doing so lifted their spirits even more than my own (p. 154)."

"Building on your vital friendships can improve countless facets of your life if, and only if, you dedicate your attention to the positive roles people do play in your life instead of focusing on what they don't bring to your life. This one key will help you unlock the potential within each friendship (p. 155)."

[Peg Burington · Rating 4 out of 5]

The best books usually come from recommendations made by friends! This book is no exception. A close friend handed the book to me last week. Author/researcher Tom Rath explores the way in which friends can enrich your life and how fostering friendships at work can make an organization even more productive. According to new research, finding friends at work can make employees feel more connected to their jobs and the ideal situation is where the people you work with are "like family." Having friends at work may even make your home life more fulfilling and have positive affects on your health.

I'm still thinking about the principles laid out in Vital Friends. Each of your friends may play one or more of the roles as builder, champion, collaborator, companion, connector, energizer, mind opener or navigator. According to Facebook I have 50 friends, but the people I really connect with would fill a much smaller circle. I'm fortunate to have several close friends at work and I consider my spouse of 25 years to be my BFF.

[Lynsi Nauman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finished this book in one sitting on a night I couldn’t sleep.

The topic of loneliness has been a frequent visitor in my thoughts since the release of the World Happiness report linking community to a higher sense of happiness.

I find myself inspired by individuals who actively create spaces for others to build relationships and even now more inspired as I understand the vital role friendships play in our lives. Reading this has only underscored and motivated me to participate in building community to make sure others have “someone who expects something of them.” It has made me reflect on what I can do to be a better friend.

One of my favorite parts of books is the acknowledgments. Reading this section was extra special. I felt gratitude that I get to work with many of the brilliant individuals mentioned. Better yet, I get to call them friends.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a terrific testament to the fact that strong friendships are vital to our health. What was really amazing to have affirmed was that friendships @ work are very important and should be cultivated. How many times have we heard that we SHOULDN'T socialize with people from work? How many times have we heard colleagues say that they don't want to socialize with people from work? This book was so interesting because it asserted that refraining from building friendships @ work is a BAD idea. There were 8 roles, that vital friends play, described in the book. Who are you to others? And who plays which role for you?
They are: builder, champion, collaborator, companion, connector, energizer, mind opener, and navigator. You will have to read the book to get the definitions for these roles! Lots of food for thought in this book.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book looks at the science of friendships and the impact they have on our lives. Easy read, great examples based on solid research from the Gallup organization.

Rath asserts what Solomon said long ago, "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

book and on CD
2CDs 2.5 hours
from the library c2006 text

this book is so important that I should copy out sections of text for
ADP start with part 2 beginning and go forward and backward from there

8 vital roles: builder, champion, collaborator, companion, connector, energizer, mind opener, navigator
• Builder (motivator)
• Champion (sing your praises)
• Collaborator (has similar interests, passions)
• Companion (always there for you)
• Connector (introduces you others, widens your circle)
• Energizer (always gives you a boost, makes you laugh)
• Mind opener (expand your horizons, embrace new ideas)
• Navigator (helps you make decisions)


http://www.usatoday.com/money/books/r...
If you're serious about becoming a better friend, he urges buyers of the book to try his Vital Friends Assessment found at the website www.vitalfriends.com. Once you log on, you complete an assessment for each of your friendships. It should take about five minutes per friend. The program tells you the vital roles your friend plays for you.

Then it's up to you to focus your attention on cultivating those roles and work to bolster them.





from the library computer:

Challenging long-held assumptions about relationships, a multidisciplinary study reveals the essential elements of different types of friendships, shedding new light on one's personal relationships with co-workers, colleagues, family, and friends. - (Baker & Taylor)

Friends are something that no one can be without, yet the most basic questions about friendships remain unanswered: How are they ruined? What's the common bond among strong friendships? Are close friendships in the workplace good or bad? In Vital Friends, New York Times best-selling author Tom Rath distills the work of several leading researchers and over 5 million interviews from The Gallup Organization to unearth new truths about friendships. Breaking new ground, Vital Friends reveals that people who have a "best friend at work" are seven times as likely to be engaged by their jobs. It also shows how a regular focus on what each friend is bringing to the relationship can help keep friendships healthy and satisfying. Fast-paced and backed by a mountain of research, Vital Friends shines a potent new light on an important topic.
- (Publisher Group West)

What's the quickest way to ruin a friendship? Do great friendships have anything in common? Are close friendships in the workplace such a bad thing?

These are just a few of the questions that #1 New York Times bestselling author Tom Rath asked when he embarked on a massive study about the impact of friendships. Along with several leading researchers, Rath pored through the literature, conducted several experiments, and analyzed more than five million interviews from The Gallup Organization's worldwide database.

His team's discoveries produced Vital Friends, a book that challenges long-held assumptions people have about their relationships. And the team's landmark discovery - that people who have a "best friend at work" are seven times as likely to be engaged in their job - is sure to rattle the structure of organizations around the world.

Drawing on research and case studies from topics as diverse as management, marriage, and architecture, Vital Friends reveals what's common to all truly essential friendships: a regular focus on what each person is contributing to the friendship - rather than the all-too-common approach of expecting one person to be everything.

The book includes a unique ID code that provides access to the Vital Friends Assessment and Web site. This groundbreaking test reveals which friends play each of the eight vital friendship roles in your work and life.

Tom Rath's fast-paced and inviting storytelling takes a mountain of important research and makes it remarkably accessible and applicable. By the time you finish reading Vital Friends, you'll see your coworkers, family, friends, and significant other in a whole new light.

- (Publisher Group West)

[Bobbie Burnworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick and easy read with relevant examples and statistics without being dry. Recommend for business leaders. The insights make sense with my own experience in the workplace.

[Kristin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I should probably withhold my rating until after I've done the assessment that comes along with the book, but I should also probably get some thoughts down before I lose them!

The book helped me to see, more, why Gallup is currently so invested in it's Wellness work. It really does draw together the strengthsfinder, Q12 and this work into more of a coordinated whole.

I'm not sure why this book didn't get more traction than it did. There is clearly some interesting work here on the importance of friends (e.g. lack of at work results in disengagement, lack of productivity, etc.) and roles that friends play in our lives. It includes work (tie to Q12) and personal. I'm thinking of using the marriage chapter for a Marriage Encounter retreat because it helps us to think about the expectations we're placing on our spouses as friends.

The book introduces eight roles that friends play (e.g. energizer, connector, mind opener). There is an assessment that is completed for each friend to help determine their role. The book then suggests that you talk to your friends about the roles they are playing in your life, in essence thanking them. The quoted data seems to draw from relatively small pools of research, but the instrument appears to be more heavily validated (based on the technical appendix).

I'll add more when I get the code and do the instrument. That'll teach me for always leaving the jackets at work!

[Melissa Chiang · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a quick essential read to start off the year. Tom Rath introduces a vocabulary and mental framework that challenges how we might think about friendships.

What stuck with me the most is the all important question from Chapter 1, "Who expects you to be somebody?". The anecdotes in the chapter were a powerful reminder that those who lack these essential friends are often those who also suffer personally and professionally. We are more engaged with our tasks and goals when we learn to cultivate the right relationships.

Rath makes another interesting point about a "rounding error" in our relationships. All too often, we may expect a spouse or close friend to be everything we need. However, the focus should be on what each friend can contribute to a relationship rather than on what is missing.

The storytelling and research-based facts throughout the book are concise and memorable. I expect everyone to take away something after reading this book.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was an interesting take on a business book. We all spend so much time honing our professional skills, but in a lot of cases, data seems to indicate that we make the greatest advances as a result of our relationships with others--- they offer us opportunities, help us see the best parts of ourselves, really take us beyond what we can do on our own.

I listened to the audiobook, and though it says it's unabridged, I was left with doubts about the validity of the research. That may be because they don't provide exhaustive annotation in an audiobook, but I can't swear as to the accuracy of the science behind this. Despite that, I think it's a fresh angle, meshes well with my anecdotal experience, and could be worth reading. I've already recommended it to several people.

[Janet · Rating 2 out of 5]

Who knew that people who have a "best friend at work" are seven times as likely to be engaged in their job?! This book offers this and other statistics like it. While I enjoyed taking the online assessment of the people in my life to discover exactly what their contributions are, in general this book just was an easy read with a simple not too surprising message--we are people who need people, and different people bring different things to our lives, and we should capitalize on those things for each individual. The author also busts the myth that we should keep our work and personal lives separate. Friends at work are a real boon for satisfaction.

[Kristal Stidham · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a description of one researcher's scientific findings about the effects of having close personal friends. It also describes the eight main types of friends you have and why you need some of each. Much of the focus is on the workplace and how much a good friend there enhances your experience and output. Given the survey results, I'm surprised that all employers aren't hiring groups of sorority girls. I'm not trying to be sarcastic here, it's just that being able to have friends at work is a big deal. I can't believe there are some employers who still discourage fraternization even at the friend level. It just doesn't make any sense.

[Marci · Rating 4 out of 5]

A close friend recommended this book to me and I couldn't have been more pleased by Tom Rath's insight to friendships throughout life and in the workplace. 'Vital Friends' has a section where you can take a quiz to see what strengths your friendship with X provides in your life. I really enjoyed that section and found it helpful with how I relate to specific people in my life and what I can do for them in return.

A very enjoyable & easy read.

[Kristi Burns · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great read for folks who desire to help create healthier workplace environments! This book is based on good research.

[Drew Coffman]

Worth reading just for the eight friend types.

[Jyotsna Singh · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Who expects you to be somebody?"

This was certainly the most thought provoking question in this book. A Parent, A Teacher, A Mentor, or A Friend - We rise and fall to the expectations of somebody close to us.
In a world that puts most of the focus on the "Self" and being absolutely independent, Tom Rath talks about the necessity of friendships and the science of human relationships.

The book gives a very practical approach to categorising friendships and setting the right expectation from each. A classic mistake we all make is to expect the other person to meet every need. What was once provided by an entire village, is now expected from one person.

Here are the 8 categories..
Builder (Pushes and motivates you, Coach, Mentor)
Champion (Think of this as your biggest fan. Somebody who can't stop raving about you)
Collaborator (Somebody with similar interests, ambitions, goals, hobbies, tastes in music, food, books, religious or political views)
Companion (Somebody you can count on - Who is always there for you)
Connector (Your bridge builder. The one who connects you to people)
Energizer (Fun friends)
Mind Opener (Somebody who challenges you and expands your horizons)
Navigator (Somebody you go to for advice and guidance)

Rath's piece gets a 3-star rating from me. Definitely pick this one up. And use it! :D

[André Henriques · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the thesis of this book: friends are a “vital” part of ones success. I know this statement is as valid and groundbreaking as saying that water is wet, but the truth is by reading this book, I’ve just remembered such important concepts and that we tend to forget with the daily hustle.

On the other hand, the framework that it offers is quite valuable. Who can contribute what? What can we contribute? Are we devoting the right amount of time to build such precious connections? Do we have them even?

Also, such a simple but powerful idea: not every friend/spouse can contribute on every sphere. We shouldn’t disregard then because of that, and should appreciate what they bring to the table instead.

[Missy · Rating 5 out of 5]

"If this person were no longer around, would your overall satisfaction with life decrease? If this person were no longer a part of your life, would your achievement or engagement at work decrease? If you can answer yes to either or both of these questions, then you have found a vital friend."

"The few people who conscientiously think about building workplace friendships are two-and-a-half times more satisfied with their jobs."

8 types of vital friends:
1) The builder
2) The champion
3) The collaborator
4) The companion
5) The connector
6) The energizer
7) The mind opener
8) The navigator

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting food for thought, especially the part about thinking about how to apply these concepts to the workplace. I think there are certain personality types that really like viewing things through formulas like this. I am not one of those that this sort of book resonates with really well. I thought inserting all the statistics at the back of the book was somewhat odd. That should be in a scientific paper, which could be referenced instead of including the tables.

[Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

A short book to help close off the year. A book about friendship and how important it can be to shape the person you are. I liked the idea of the book but not so much the content, just couldn’t relate.

A few chapters were about how the author interviewed a bunch of people getting released from jail and how it was easier for some of them to fit back into life because of the group of friends they made quickly after.

[Steve · Rating 3 out of 5]

Basic discussions of the power of social connections and outlining the 8 types of friends were most helpful. The perspectives are a bit dated, and the suggestions are only a basic start, but it's a shorter book. Overall the insights and basic discussion were worth it. If you're good with different kinds of friendships, it's probably not worth it for you.

[Meg Petty · Rating 3 out of 5]

Now I get why those workplace wellness surveys keep asking if I have a best friend at work.

I liked learning about the 8 friend types with examples on how to empower those types and be that type to your friends. I think there should have been more emphasis on the latter as most of this book read “what can my friends do for me”.

[Mark Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Who new friends are so important

This book is a revelation on the importance of friendship in your life. It's no surprise that people end up homeless when relationships break down. This book is well worth the read.

[Joseph Ebuen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked it very much. We all fall into particular roles with our 'friends'. This book shared a lot of stats that supported Tom's word on how 'having friends' contribute strongly to things such as life fulfillment and joy and also engagement at work.

[Farhana Faruq · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was interesting. It's more focused on friends within the work environment. It's worth listening if you do have lots of co-workers and it's not a very long book. Approximately a 2 hour audio book.

[Vira W · Rating 3 out of 5]

as expected i finished reading this in one sitting 🤔🤔 this book gave me insight to categorize what am i in friendship and the meaning of work-life balance. i also like the idea how Tom Rath gave us column spaces to reflect!

[Julie Bouchner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was recommended this book on Erin and Sarah Foster’s podcast. I really enjoyed reading and learning more about my relationships and how I can continue to show up for my people (different approaches for different people).

[Paul Pryce · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t read all the Appendices as it wasn’t necessary- still a good book covering the area of friendships at work.
Very interesting to map my own experiences to friends/mates/acquaintances to the online questionnaire.

[M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed listening to the audio book read by the author. Maybe if you don't follow all the steps suggested you can still get a lot out of this.

[Kevin · Rating 2 out of 5]

"Friends are good. End of book."