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Getting to Ellen: A Memoir about Love, Honesty and Gender Change
From the back cover:
What is the price of living an authentic life? Ellen Krug knows. As a man named "Ed," she had everything anyone could ever want: a soul mate's love, two beautiful daughters, a house in the best neighborhood, a successful trial lawyer's career - a "Grand Plan" life so picture-perfect it inspired a beautiful pastel drawing,
But there was a problem: "Ed" was a woman born into a male body. Finding inner peace meant Ed would have to become Ellen. It also meant losing that picture-perfect life.
How could anyone make that choice, pay that kind of price? Then again, how could anyone not? Through what became a "gender journey," Ellen Krug discovered her true self and the honesty it takes to make life-changing decisions.
"Getting to Ellen" is much more than one person's story about some things lost and others gained. It's a glimpse into the life choices that all of us make --whether or not we're transgender.
What is the price of living an authentic life? Ellen Krug knows. As a man named "Ed," she had everything anyone could ever want: a soul mate's love, two beautiful daughters, a house in the best neighborhood, a successful trial lawyer's career - a "Grand Plan" life so picture-perfect it inspired a beautiful pastel drawing,
But there was a problem: "Ed" was a woman born into a male body. Finding inner peace meant Ed would have to become Ellen. It also meant losing that picture-perfect life.
How could anyone make that choice, pay that kind of price? Then again, how could anyone not? Through what became a "gender journey," Ellen Krug discovered her true self and the honesty it takes to make life-changing decisions.
"Getting to Ellen" is much more than one person's story about some things lost and others gained. It's a glimpse into the life choices that all of us make --whether or not we're transgender.
318 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2013
15 people are currently reading
135 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews
September 13, 2017
I laughed. I cried. I felt pain, sadness and love. I stopped in wonder and awe. The human condition just wanting to be and feel whole. The will to survive and thrive. The words are written with a gentleness and always with hope.
November 27, 2021
This book was so good I’m almost speechless. It is very well written, a bit mind boggling, and very interesting. An incredible life story and memoir. Ellen is very courageous for telling her story and she has my greatest respect.
March 2, 2013
This is a hard book for me to rate since Ellen is an acquaintance of mine. Also, it's not a book that fits neatly into Goodreads available categories. I'd rather say that I recommend the book for its consciousness-raising rather than that I liked or didn't like it. Also, although a transgender journey won't be every reader's path, the book has much to offer any person grappling with how to live true to one's deepest self, knowing that to do so will involve soul-ripping sacrifice and deep pain to loved ones along the way.
I met Ellen last year at a nonprofit leadership seminar where I had my first opportunity to talk to a transgender person in any depth. Ellen's writing is direct, raw and eminently readable. The book must have been gut-wrenching to write. She doesn't pull punches and I appreciated her candor about the impact of her decisions on her family, colleagues and friends. All in all, this book increased my empathy and understanding of some of the things transgender people experience. Concepts of self, self-image, selfishness, self-sacrifice and self-preservation are hard to parse and Ellen approaches her process with rigorous self-examination, intelligence, courage and authenticity.
Since writing the first version of my review, I've been to the book launch party. What a warm and wonderful event! It is obvious that Ellen has deeply touched many people's lives throughout her journey thus far, and as the book gains a wider audience and broader distribution is sure to touch many more, no matter where they fall on the human continuum.
I met Ellen last year at a nonprofit leadership seminar where I had my first opportunity to talk to a transgender person in any depth. Ellen's writing is direct, raw and eminently readable. The book must have been gut-wrenching to write. She doesn't pull punches and I appreciated her candor about the impact of her decisions on her family, colleagues and friends. All in all, this book increased my empathy and understanding of some of the things transgender people experience. Concepts of self, self-image, selfishness, self-sacrifice and self-preservation are hard to parse and Ellen approaches her process with rigorous self-examination, intelligence, courage and authenticity.
Since writing the first version of my review, I've been to the book launch party. What a warm and wonderful event! It is obvious that Ellen has deeply touched many people's lives throughout her journey thus far, and as the book gains a wider audience and broader distribution is sure to touch many more, no matter where they fall on the human continuum.
December 7, 2017
This is the true story of a decades-long journey for gender realization and acceptance. Ellen is a great writer and does a tremendous job telling her story of denial, therapy, exploration, and finally, acceptance. And what a wonderful story it is. Ellen is happier, healthier, kinder, and truer-to-herself when she eventually makes her transition from man to woman. Oh, the greatest gift, to be who we are! I guarantee that you’ll learn a lot, including how to “cherish the dappled sunlight,” when you read this book.
August 31, 2013
I like the word another reviewer used - that is "consciousness raising." I couldn't agree more. This isn't a book I would typically choose, but someone in my book club chose it. Honestly, I approached the book with some hesitancy (if you're born a boy, you're a boy), but I tried to be open minded. Before long, I was rooting for Ellie. Ellie is very brave for everything she did and even braver for writing about it!
August 16, 2016
Saw this on the alumni author shelf at the Coe College bookstore in Iowa. Author's first book. It really demonstrates how one's perception of oneself versus what the rest of the culture sees when they look at a person affects every possible part of a life: professional, family-of-origin, all relationships, you name it. It is nice to see, via the reactions of everyone the author deals with, how far we have come in our society with regard to accepting others as they are, or what they may become.
May 19, 2014
This book is extremely well written and very powerful. Highly recommend.
Want to read
October 10, 2017Minnesota Women Lawyers Book Club March 2017.
January 15, 2020
I randomly met a person at an author event and decided to check them out on Twitter and found out they’d also written a book. It’s called Getting to Ellen: A Memoir about Love, Honesty, and Gender Change.
I’m glad I did check it out! Many memoirs I’ve read in the past feel overly flowery or filled with extra details as to what happened. Getting to Ellen had a conversational tone that made it feel like I was listening to Ellen tell her story instead of reading it. The one issue I have with the book is that she jumps around in her own timeline, but I guess that makes sense in the conversational aspect of the book. Just like any retelling of events, they have to go in the order that makes the most sense to the person telling the story, and the jumps in time did work to connect everything together.
Ellen tells her story of how she grew up and knew something was different about her, but she didn’t have the words to express herself. The world was definitely not ready, as a whole, to accept the idea of transgender individuals. I feel that Ellen did a good job talking about her confusion about what she wanted and how she wanted acceptance and what that would mean. Ellen’s story isn’t just about transitioning or being honest with herself and others but about her exploration of what she needed and wanted and how that, ultimately, was more important than the opinions of others.
I am non-binary and many of the internal struggles Ellen talks about in terms of trying to figure out the balance between thriving and shining rang true to me. It wasn’t until two years ago that I had the language and words to express who I really was, so I connected with Ellen early in the book when she was exploring her thoughts and trying to figure out what they meant.
This book would be a great read for anyone who is struggling with themselves internally. It’s a story of loss and frustration but also of hope and acceptance. II already know the next person I’m going to pass this book along to. If you’re looking for a book about the struggles of self acceptance, you should check this book out.
I’m glad I did check it out! Many memoirs I’ve read in the past feel overly flowery or filled with extra details as to what happened. Getting to Ellen had a conversational tone that made it feel like I was listening to Ellen tell her story instead of reading it. The one issue I have with the book is that she jumps around in her own timeline, but I guess that makes sense in the conversational aspect of the book. Just like any retelling of events, they have to go in the order that makes the most sense to the person telling the story, and the jumps in time did work to connect everything together.
Ellen tells her story of how she grew up and knew something was different about her, but she didn’t have the words to express herself. The world was definitely not ready, as a whole, to accept the idea of transgender individuals. I feel that Ellen did a good job talking about her confusion about what she wanted and how she wanted acceptance and what that would mean. Ellen’s story isn’t just about transitioning or being honest with herself and others but about her exploration of what she needed and wanted and how that, ultimately, was more important than the opinions of others.
I am non-binary and many of the internal struggles Ellen talks about in terms of trying to figure out the balance between thriving and shining rang true to me. It wasn’t until two years ago that I had the language and words to express who I really was, so I connected with Ellen early in the book when she was exploring her thoughts and trying to figure out what they meant.
This book would be a great read for anyone who is struggling with themselves internally. It’s a story of loss and frustration but also of hope and acceptance. II already know the next person I’m going to pass this book along to. If you’re looking for a book about the struggles of self acceptance, you should check this book out.
November 6, 2022
touching, raw, real. will make you a better person, even if you are not transgender
As a spiritual, humanist parenting author myself, I am 100% convinced:
ALL parents (whether child is LGBTQIA+, CIS, straight, or somewhere in btw) who read this will understand unconditional love & positive regard matter & SAVES LIVES!
Ellie’s retelling of her life’s story is moving and gripping.
Ellie does a wonderful job of showing the (to borrow her words) “clean lines” that took her from a young child confused about her body all the way through an adulthood that was lovely and fulfilled, successful from the outside, LOVED and LOVING, but still had something that didn’t work inside. She shows how hard someone can work to make those thoughts about the “lines” of her body go away and still be who they are inside. People who don’t understand the inner turmoil of living as a trans person (I’ll admit I never understood it to this depth) will see it on a new level and find a new appreciation and compassion for the internal fight. Ellie fought for her marriage and her kids, until the woman inside could no longer be silenced. Thank you Ellie for sharing. You have done us a great service.
PLEASE READ THIS. Even if you are a hetero cis person. Ellie’s life lessons and how hard she fought, HOW she came to understand herself, will make you want to be a better more decent, compassionate person.
As a spiritual, humanist parenting author myself, I am 100% convinced:
ALL parents (whether child is LGBTQIA+, CIS, straight, or somewhere in btw) who read this will understand unconditional love & positive regard matter & SAVES LIVES!
Ellie’s retelling of her life’s story is moving and gripping.
Ellie does a wonderful job of showing the (to borrow her words) “clean lines” that took her from a young child confused about her body all the way through an adulthood that was lovely and fulfilled, successful from the outside, LOVED and LOVING, but still had something that didn’t work inside. She shows how hard someone can work to make those thoughts about the “lines” of her body go away and still be who they are inside. People who don’t understand the inner turmoil of living as a trans person (I’ll admit I never understood it to this depth) will see it on a new level and find a new appreciation and compassion for the internal fight. Ellie fought for her marriage and her kids, until the woman inside could no longer be silenced. Thank you Ellie for sharing. You have done us a great service.
PLEASE READ THIS. Even if you are a hetero cis person. Ellie’s life lessons and how hard she fought, HOW she came to understand herself, will make you want to be a better more decent, compassionate person.
June 28, 2022
Reading this book was a good culmination of a seminar called Beyond Categorical Thinking that I attended at my UU church a few years ago during our ministerial search process. It was led by Ellie Krug, an amazing human, transgender woman and author of this book. I’ve subscribed to Ellen’s e-newsletter, The Ripple, ever since then but don’t read it as often as I’d like. So it was lucky I saw the offer to request a free copy of her book for any local library. I followed up with the Norwalk Easter Public Library, and they requested and received Getting to Ellen in time for Pride Month!
Krug does an admirable job of unpacking family issues and her sense of self, first as Ed and ultimately as Ellen. It felt like a coming of age book where Ellen grew up again after age 50!
She did a nice job of moving the story forward…I was curious to continue reading as Ed explored his gender puzzle and am glad to have a better understanding of Ellen’s ongoing gender journey as one example of the struggles of a transgender human doing their best to live with integrity & authenticity.
It was a fun extra for me that Ellen lived in Cedar Rapids, IA…near where I grew up, so locations and the flood of 2008 were familiar.
Krug does an admirable job of unpacking family issues and her sense of self, first as Ed and ultimately as Ellen. It felt like a coming of age book where Ellen grew up again after age 50!
She did a nice job of moving the story forward…I was curious to continue reading as Ed explored his gender puzzle and am glad to have a better understanding of Ellen’s ongoing gender journey as one example of the struggles of a transgender human doing their best to live with integrity & authenticity.
It was a fun extra for me that Ellen lived in Cedar Rapids, IA…near where I grew up, so locations and the flood of 2008 were familiar.
September 18, 2022
Really (sometimes over)honest trans memoir from a baby boomer perspective (published 2019). It focuses a lot on passing and dressing and body parts, and the really really long struggle she had for find herself. But it is most interesting when she focuses on how her childhood with alcoholic father trapped her in this idea about who she was, kept her from grow up and grow into herself. Really, her transition broke the cycle of abuse in her and that is the thing to most admire about her. But it is her first book, so the writing is not the best, and the dialogue. I think she wrote it more to explain to cis people her age about trans things, not really to talk about universal things in her experience. The book was not for me, I am not her audience, but I still liked it.
April 28, 2023
Wow. I am still processing. I could not put this book down. I laughed, I cried, I related to Ellen on so many levels - and no, I am not transgender. Obviously that is a major focus of this book, and it can definitely help people understand the struggles a transgender person goes through, but it is so much more than that. It is about dealing with a less than ideal childhood, it is about figuring out who you really are, it is about gender stereotypes, it is about dealing with suicide and other great loss, it is about the guilt you may feel when you put yourself first, it is about acceptance and love, it is about rejection…it is about learning to love yourself. I strongly believe that every human being should read this book. If I could give it ten stars I would.
March 13, 2021
Ellen’s story is very compelling. I heard Ellen speak at a company diversity training and found her warm, funny, and highly motivational. Her book reads the same. I rated it three stars because I think Ellen would have benefited from a better editor. While you don’t want to shortchange a life-long journey like Ellen’s, there were a number of places where the details of trials, lunches, events did not add value and just dragged out the book. Well worth the read, but you may want to skim parts that get repetitive.
December 1, 2023
Insightful and enlightening. I heard Ellen speak and she is engaging and dynamic and makes you think about how we other others, and even how we other ourselves. Her book is as engaging as she is a speaker (even my very conservative mother read it cover to cover in just a few days). I recommend going to a presentation if you're lucky enough to have the opportunity to hear Ellie speak. Good writing and storytelling, but 3 stars because it felt like it needed more editorial development and fine-tuning.
May 13, 2017
While Ellie's story of transforming from Ed to Ellie captures the focus of this book, the overriding theme has broad application -- searching for the "real" you and being true to yourself, even when the world says "you have a perfect life." Wonderful read in followup to an inspiring training by Ellie Krug on inclusivity and bias sensitivity.
May 23, 2023
This is a very valuable book, and should be read by EVERYone! Ellen's authentic accounting of her journey really gives meaning to the emotion and tribulation surrounding those with gender dysphoria and the people who surround them. I would be intriguing to learn how her life progresses beyond the time frame of her book, as she has an entire new world in her future.
July 23, 2022
Couldn’t put it down!
Wow! I wish everyone could read this book. I loved how the story was so detailed. Ellen is honest and courageous. She’s completely inspiring. We should all be so brave!
Wow! I wish everyone could read this book. I loved how the story was so detailed. Ellen is honest and courageous. She’s completely inspiring. We should all be so brave!
June 5, 2018
Book loaned to me by Steph. She got the book through her friend, Candace, who knows Ellen. Very interesting tale about a transgender person and her process of becoming.
June 29, 2019
An engaging story of the author’s transition, from inside out. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, and at times, simply couldn’t put it down.
November 8, 2019
Very good read for anyone interested in gender transition. I really have learned a lot .
January 24, 2020
A really in-depth view of one woman’s transition.
February 4, 2020
excellent telling of Ed's struggle with gender identity, and finally find peace as Ellen.
Read
November 14, 2021We had the privilege of having the author join our book club zoom meeting. Very compassionate and caring discussion.
August 24, 2022
Amazing memoir that really helps understand the struggles of transgender individuals. Very well written and enlightening.
May 12, 2025
After hearing Ellie speak, I was compelled to buy her book. It did not disappoint. I applaud her courage and honesty.
August 31, 2017
A very well-written look at one woman's experience with being transgender. It's very engaging, and does a nice job of walking the reader through Ellen's thought process and experiences as she discovers what it means to be true to herself.
Recommended for anyone looking for an engaging and thought-provoking look at the transgender experience.
Recommended for anyone looking for an engaging and thought-provoking look at the transgender experience.
September 2, 2025
WOW - I have been a big fan of Ellie Krug for about 4 years now after first hearing her speak - and noticing this beautiful woman chatting with Zoom participants prior to the start of her talk and hearing her extremely deep voice. I was like a dog when they hear a high-pitched sound and tilt their heads, you know? Before long, it was not noticeable and I thought - WOW - this woman is amazing.
I immediately subscribed to her monthly newsletter (subscribe at elliekrug.com) and enjoyed getting to know her through her stories and hearing about her work.
Getting to Ellen is her memoir and for the life of me I don't know why I didn't buy her book until this month. SO glad I did!
I tagged this as could-not-put-down because I was just immersed in her story from start to finish. Reading about her childhood struggles, her dad (WOW) and her marriage (such a tough situation when you love your wife but need to choose between staying in your marriage and being yourself) and her work as an attorney in Iowa of all places. Talk about one of the less-than-ideal states for deciding to transition!
I loved reading about her wonderful friend, Thap - so blessed is she to have such a solid and caring friend. Then navigating her mental health through different therapists with different approaches to dealing with her "problem". I think about those years when I was young (and I am about 10 years or so younger than Ellie) and how the entire concept of needing to transition were so foreign. The world was adjusting to the idea that some people were gay, but gender? It was just thought of as cross-dressing and not embraced as much as it is today. Some people do not feel the sex assigned at birth. It's real and it is not simple, and it is not a choice.
There was a lot of waffling and that part was frustrating to read but certainly not as frustrating to live through. Every step toward becoming Ellen I was cheering - YES! BE YOURSELF! Those moments of joy jumped off the page and I was excited and cheering her on.
So many things I could comment on but if you are curious about the emotions, fears, experiences, and even the process, I encourage you to read this book. When we learn about those sometimes thought of as "other" we learn to deepen our compassion and understanding of the degrees of difference.
Thank you for the vulnerability and sharing your remarkable story, Ellie! And remember, I care about you!
I immediately subscribed to her monthly newsletter (subscribe at elliekrug.com) and enjoyed getting to know her through her stories and hearing about her work.
Getting to Ellen is her memoir and for the life of me I don't know why I didn't buy her book until this month. SO glad I did!
I tagged this as could-not-put-down because I was just immersed in her story from start to finish. Reading about her childhood struggles, her dad (WOW) and her marriage (such a tough situation when you love your wife but need to choose between staying in your marriage and being yourself) and her work as an attorney in Iowa of all places. Talk about one of the less-than-ideal states for deciding to transition!
I loved reading about her wonderful friend, Thap - so blessed is she to have such a solid and caring friend. Then navigating her mental health through different therapists with different approaches to dealing with her "problem". I think about those years when I was young (and I am about 10 years or so younger than Ellie) and how the entire concept of needing to transition were so foreign. The world was adjusting to the idea that some people were gay, but gender? It was just thought of as cross-dressing and not embraced as much as it is today. Some people do not feel the sex assigned at birth. It's real and it is not simple, and it is not a choice.
There was a lot of waffling and that part was frustrating to read but certainly not as frustrating to live through. Every step toward becoming Ellen I was cheering - YES! BE YOURSELF! Those moments of joy jumped off the page and I was excited and cheering her on.
So many things I could comment on but if you are curious about the emotions, fears, experiences, and even the process, I encourage you to read this book. When we learn about those sometimes thought of as "other" we learn to deepen our compassion and understanding of the degrees of difference.
Thank you for the vulnerability and sharing your remarkable story, Ellie! And remember, I care about you!
October 21, 2019
I have a personal involvement in the story having been at the PI bar for an after event following the first transgender march in Minneapolis on the very day Ellen made her first appearance as a woman. We did not connect until years later but it left me with a rather surreal connection to the story. It is clearly Ellen's story and somewhat removed from any broader social context but the separation from her family was emotionally engaging. It is for me a familiar story of late transition but completely unlike my own transition.
April 6, 2014
A fascinating read about a Cedar Rapids, Iowa attorney's journey through the transgender process.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 31 reviews