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Too Hurt to Stay: The True Story of a Troubled Boy’s Desperate Search for a Loving Home
Eight-year-old Spencer takes himself to social services and demands to be taken into care. It’s a desperate act, a cry for help, but his parent’s reaction – good riddance – speaks volumes. Casey’s hackles are immediately up for this poor child.
Spencer is the middle child of four siblings. His parents claim all their other kids are ‘normal’ and that Spencer was born ‘vicious and evil’. Casey and her family are disgusted – kids aren’t born evil, they get damaged. Although when vigilante neighbours start to take action and their landlord threatens eviction, Casey is stretched to the limits, trying desperately to hold on to this boy who causes so much pain and destruction.
Casey is determined to try and understand what Spencer is going through and help him find the loving home he is so desperately searching for. But it’s only when Spencer’s mother gets in touch with social services for the first time that gradually everything starts to make sense.
Spencer is the middle child of four siblings. His parents claim all their other kids are ‘normal’ and that Spencer was born ‘vicious and evil’. Casey and her family are disgusted – kids aren’t born evil, they get damaged. Although when vigilante neighbours start to take action and their landlord threatens eviction, Casey is stretched to the limits, trying desperately to hold on to this boy who causes so much pain and destruction.
Casey is determined to try and understand what Spencer is going through and help him find the loving home he is so desperately searching for. But it’s only when Spencer’s mother gets in touch with social services for the first time that gradually everything starts to make sense.
305 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 11, 2012
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October 14, 2014
Bullpucky.
I'm therapeutic foster parent myself and there is so much wrong with this story I don't have time to write it all in my review right now (she's been in the biz this long and hasn't seen RAD??), so until I have a chance to review it (soon) all I have to say is:
Bullpucky.
---- Updated Thursday, Dec. 6, 2012 (added below) ----
The following is my own opinion of the story and in no way is meant to insult or be libelous to the author personally. I laud her for her willingness to take in children with these issues and her ability to continue with them long past the point at which most people would give up. I would have given up after Casey's capacity for love is staggering and I am glad she is doing this job. My only concerns involve behavior and knowledge. This review is my opinion, and I do not make any claims that I know everything about these issues, just that I know a lot. I am very opinionated in general, and my passion in this review is due to that fact rather than the severity of what I perceive as the book's faults.
Too Hurt to Stay is allegedly the true story of a young troubled boy and the foster parents who take care of him for a few months. I say allegedly because it just doesn't ring true to me. I don't doubt that this happened but I think significant creative license was taken to the point the book was completely unbelievable to me. The story is interesting, the writing not bad, and the plot unpredictable which was very refreshing. Those who love stories about hurt kids, know nothing about foster care, and who can suspend their disbelief might well enjoy this book. Anyone who has a healthy bit of skepticism, knows what it's like to be a foster parent, or who finds the glut of stories about troubled children tiring should skip this one and look for something different.
According to the book, foster parents Casey and Mike have been providing specialized foster care for particularly difficult children for the past decade, what here in the States is called therapeutic foster care. They are experienced working with high needs kids with behavior issues and yet are thrown for a loop when an eight-year-old boy moves in (not the five- or six-year-old on the cover). The book is a chronicle of his time with them, the struggles and experiences of all three of them throughout his stay.
I have been a therapeutic foster parent myself for over 12 years and I have to say, either the author is altering reality for the sake of the story, or she is a terrible and untrained foster parent. I am not a perfect parent by any means, but I am very knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to foster parenting very difficult children so it is difficult for me to write this review without pointing out not only what she did wrong but what she should have done. (I try to put in the good things she did whenever possible.) I lost all faith in her as a reliable narrator somewhere around page 32 (my page numbers are going to be guesstimates since I read an ebook). She had been told this child was a horror, an animal-like child, someone extremely difficult to care for, and yet after being with him for about 10 minutes she writes,
when she was interrupted by someone trying to set her straight. Every single child in care that I've met or worked with has appeared to be a typical child at first. Many were so polite it was painful, including my own daughter who I thought was the sweetest, gentlest kid before she moved in. (She was my first and the agency lied to me is all I can say.*) In addition, the line that basically says she doesn't understand why he's in care is offensive. Virtually no child is in foster care because of their behavior. They are there because the parents are not able to parent properly whether it's being able to cope with the child's special needs or from their own poor parenting. The child may have behaviors that are next to impossible to deal with, but if the parents can't cope even with every support they get, then the kid is put in group care or a mental hospital or something. After reading this book, I don't think England is any different than here in the US on this issue. This kind of statement just feeds into the idea that there's something inherently wrong with foster children, and a foster parent should know better.
There were so many places in the book where I had similar reactions that I can't possibly list them all here. I took notes on almost every other page, most of them complaining about something that the foster parent did wrong that was obvious, or something that I was incredulous about. But first the positives: the book was easy to read and flowed well. It was not predictable at all and I found myself finishing it solely because I wanted to know how it ended. She was often funny, such as when she refuses to make Christmas simpler that year and insists on putting up her three Christmas trees as usual, although I'm not sure that was intentionally humorous.
There were things that were interesting to me, too, particularly the perspective of someone in another country or even a place other than my home state. The woman gets paid to take on these kids and it's considered her job. Here in Washington State you're not allowed to do it as your job because they don't want people foster parenting for money. What's ridiculous is that kids of this level need to be parented 24/7 so you usually can't work outside the home. This makes it next to impossible for a single parent to be a therapeutic parent. I'm very lucky I've been able to manage it. I really like that there in England they recognize that this is a hard job. I don't do foster parenting for the money. But I do think it's reasonable for someone taking on these kids, whose life is full of chaos and stress every day, who is a caregiver of a special needs child 24/7, to be paid extra. People have no idea what it's like, which is why books such as this one are devoured by those who do want to know. But this is story is so unrealistic it's ridiculous.
Another interesting thing was that Casey is surprised at how much stuff the boy arrives with since his "suitcase was bulging." One suitcase? It reminded me of our American need for things and what we consider enough. Perhaps part of it is that foster kids generally don't arrive with a whole lot but even the child who came to me who had the least amount of stuff had a couple of boxes and garbage bags of things, only a few of them clothing. How many of us can claim the same? My kids take a bulging suitcase for a weekend trip. It was an interesting perspective for me.
I found the way so much was done by the agency to be as dumb as that of any here which made life more difficult for Casey and Mike. For example, the first visit with the child at home wasn't supervised and something bad happened. The second visit wasn't supervised either. Hunh? They placed this child an hour and a half away from his home and the school he continued to attend. It is much better for a kid to be homed in their own community to allow for as much normalcy as possible. It's not ideal--the father of one of my kids lives less than a mile away and is always asking to come over (not allowed) or do work for me which (awkward). Plus, the foster parents had to transport the child that far for visits. I had one child whose hometown was not quite an hour away and it was a huge problem because all of her supports were there, too, and a two hour trip for a one hour therapy session is absurd. It was also impossible for her to maintain her social life as I would have to spend four hours in the car for her to spend a few hours with a friend after school. With other kids to take care of who would have to sit in the car with me, this was just not realistic frequent socializing.
The help line was something I was impressed by. Our state only has a CPS line for reporting abuse or incidents but nothing like a help line to assist a foster parent when running into trouble. I am licensed out of a private agency because this particular one does have such a line and it has been immeasurably helpful such as when I had a suicidal and violent child engaging in very dangerous and manipulative behavior. But most private agencies don't even have that. It's a critical asset, and I'm glad she had access to such a thing.
But despite that access to help, Casey was often so clueless about what to do, the book read like she was a first time foster parent not someone experienced working with behaviorally challenging children. First of all, she made a lot of assumptions. I mentioned before that she assumed that because the boy was polite, he couldn't have a behavior problem. Then, after that first visit home when something awful happened, she smelled alcohol on the breath of one of the parents and immediately assumed she had a drinking problem which had affected the kid's behavior. If the mother had just downed a drink to cope with this latest emergency that she could do nothing about at that point, an emergency that here would not allow her access to her child unsupervised, it would be understandable--not the wisest choice, but understandable. Casey also assumed that the boy doesn't have an opinion about things because he was used to having to be so polite. I can think of half a dozen plausible reasons why a child with a traumatic past would express no opinion, and that one wouldn't even make the list. Casey also assumed that the mother didn't care about the boy because she looked nervous when Casey and Mike come to pick up the child. Birth parents tend to be either nervous or angry when interacting with anyone involved with their child's care. Both are natural and are rooted in fear.
Casey did make some good observations, such as that his running away was probably attention seeking behavior, which works since everyone gets frantic trying to find him. But then she continues to reinforce this behavior by flapping all around him when he returns, going on about how he scared them, that they were worried, that he wasn't safe, or even just asking him why he did it. Most children can't answer that question and most foster children have learned that answering anything that starts with "why" is dangerous because they don't know what the asker expects. Since they've been so traumatized and their world completely shattered, usually over and over again, they don't know why anything and don't know if something they say will make the world crumble again. Once you've established why it's so awful to run, the next time this does not need to be repeated. Don't be mean or emotional, just comment in a normal voice, like stating any other fact, the rules & consequences, and what will happen next time; don't open up it for argument or manipulation.
Casey and Mike were shown this again and again when they tried the coddling route, and it blew up in their faces by him playing them. He was a master manipulator as so many kids in care are (most had to learn how to manipulate just to survive in the horrible situations they were in). For example, he was manipulating a positives-focused behavioral management system, using it to his own ends. The way it was set up, he could do just some of the simple things he was supposed to during the day and then even if he did something really heinous, like he would still earn points to go out the next afternoon. Casey was taken aback when she realized that there was nothing put in place for this scenario, like taking points away or carrying them over until a good day or leaving specific things off the list to earn (like he could still earn a special treat but not the right to go outside). It took forever for Casey to even question this system, and then the social worker and a case aide said that the points system was part of the program and needed to be followed. This was the same social worker who said if the boy runs, just let him go and just wait for him to come back. He was always gone many hours and often he was found sitting in the rain or in a garbage can or something else that wasn't the wisest choice. Here in my state that is illegal, never mind the fact that the boy was, again, eight years old. I did like when the social worker said that Casey and Mike should ignore the behavior entirely and act like the boy wasn't even gone. (That can work on younger children, but it won't work on tweens and teens.)
She rewarded him for running away by giving him a warm bath, wrapping him up in comfort clothing, giving him hot cocoa, and spending quality time with him. This kind of thing needs to be proactive behavior, particularly used during risky times when the child is likely to take off. This should not be used immediately after an incident. In this case, when he came home very late, I would have him immediately take a warm shower because he was wet and cold--not a bath (because a shower is faster)--have him go right to his room and put pajamas on, then make him get in bed. At that point, I would give him positive reinforcement for doing these simple things, and provide the nurturing he needs by giving him a long hug if he can handle it and telling him truthfully that I loved him. I would also say that I was glad he was home (using that word rather than "back" to reinforce that this was his home for now, and he belonged here). There would be no rewards for running and coming home after hours.
This may sound harsh but this wasn't first time behavior, this was continual behavior. If a child in a regular situation runs away for the first time, as most kids do at some point, then do what you need to do to reinforce your love and give the child the nurturing the s/he needs. But with a youth who continues this very dangerous behavior, it is important to maintain rigid boundaries filled with love and appropriate nurturing, not coddling. It is not helpful to say, "Do you know how upset and worried we were?" Don't ask. Don't say "upset." That gives him power over your emotions. Try not to say anything about it tonight. Tomorrow, if you and the child haven't discussed the issue yet--such as when has run away from other placements but not from you before now--make a statement like, "We were worried for your safety because we love you and there are many dangers out there for a child of any age." You can say more, but not too much--children stop listening after just a few sentences. (This is a major problem I have. In case you can't tell, I can go on and one about a subject. I told you I'm not a perfect parent by any means.) Don't leave any room for argument or manipulation.
In the same vein, never ask "Why did you do that?!" or "You're too young to be out there." These are major triggers. Talk about the situation later when emotions are lower, preferably the next day. Engage the child in evaluating his/her own behavior. Instead of asking "Do you know why you did this," which could just be a prelude to you telling him/her why they did it (you don't know for sure and presuming what they think or feel is a huge trigger for these kids), ask "Why do you think you ran away?" which implies there are multiple answers and that you might have some in mind but you might not. This creates dialog rather than a lecture. These kids are usually smart--at least street-smart. They likely can't voice what we would think is a good answer, but it gets them thinking rather than going on the defensive. Be positive about anything they suggest as if it's a possibility, even if it's ludicrous. "Sure it could be because you thought heard the ice cream truck in Minnesota in January. Can you think of another reason?" Help them, if necessary, with either silly suggestions like, "Because your shoelaces were the wrong color?" or with fomenting questions like, "Do you know what you were thinking about or feeling when you decided to leave?" or "What was happening when you got the idea to take off?"
The reality is that kids crave boundaries. As most of us know, acting out behavior is generally because a child is testing boundaries. But the reason they're testing those boundaries is greatly in part because they want to know the boundaries are there. Children without boundaries do not feel safe and loved. They may not be able to voice it, but that's the basic reason. The more unsafe a child feels and the more they act inappropriately, the more rigid those boundaries need to be. Kids who act out in abnormal ways are not happy. Children in care need to know that there won't be any surprises. If they do that, this will happen, always. The unpredictability of emotional reactions is where so much of their fear comes from. A certain level of rebellion is normal and important as a youth learns who they are and what their place is in the world. The consequences show them where they stand and how much they are loved. So a fourteen-year-old who dyes his hair purple and pierces his eyebrow is asserting he's different from his parents (this is just a general example--stay with me people) and asserting he is his own person. How the parent(s) react will tell him how okay it is to be different and just how different is okay. (There are no right or wrong answers here--well, mostly.)
But a reaction is important because it shows that the parents care, whether it's "Hey, that's a great color on you and I have a titanium barbell I haven't worn in ages if you want it," (which probably isn't what he is going for) or he's grounded for life (probably a bit more extreme than he was anticipating). If the reaction is too extreme or emotional, it may reinforce the fear that the child is not loved such as if he gets a beating for dying his hair. Whether or not he is loved is irrelevant--the youth needs to know that he is okay even if his actions aren't. If a twelve-year-old starts stealing, she is trying even harder to see if her parent(s) care, to see if she has any boundaries. How the parent(s) react show her not only what is right and wrong, but just how important the adolescent is to them. The most important advice that I can give any potential foster parent, is to always reassure the child that s/he is a good person inside, that behavior is very different than who a person is as a person. And if you love the kid, tell him/her this every day (don't lie, though), and that your love is unconditional. Mike and Casey showed the boy this to quite an extent, although they only voiced the difference between behavior and the person once and I don't remember them telling the child that they loved him, even though they acknowledged to each other that they were very attached. (They were saints for that.)
{Apparently my review was too long so I will post the rest of the review in the first two comments.}
I'm therapeutic foster parent myself and there is so much wrong with this story I don't have time to write it all in my review right now (she's been in the biz this long and hasn't seen RAD??), so until I have a chance to review it (soon) all I have to say is:
Bullpucky.
---- Updated Thursday, Dec. 6, 2012 (added below) ----
The following is my own opinion of the story and in no way is meant to insult or be libelous to the author personally. I laud her for her willingness to take in children with these issues and her ability to continue with them long past the point at which most people would give up. I would have given up after Casey's capacity for love is staggering and I am glad she is doing this job. My only concerns involve behavior and knowledge. This review is my opinion, and I do not make any claims that I know everything about these issues, just that I know a lot. I am very opinionated in general, and my passion in this review is due to that fact rather than the severity of what I perceive as the book's faults.
Too Hurt to Stay is allegedly the true story of a young troubled boy and the foster parents who take care of him for a few months. I say allegedly because it just doesn't ring true to me. I don't doubt that this happened but I think significant creative license was taken to the point the book was completely unbelievable to me. The story is interesting, the writing not bad, and the plot unpredictable which was very refreshing. Those who love stories about hurt kids, know nothing about foster care, and who can suspend their disbelief might well enjoy this book. Anyone who has a healthy bit of skepticism, knows what it's like to be a foster parent, or who finds the glut of stories about troubled children tiring should skip this one and look for something different.
According to the book, foster parents Casey and Mike have been providing specialized foster care for particularly difficult children for the past decade, what here in the States is called therapeutic foster care. They are experienced working with high needs kids with behavior issues and yet are thrown for a loop when an eight-year-old boy moves in (not the five- or six-year-old on the cover). The book is a chronicle of his time with them, the struggles and experiences of all three of them throughout his stay.
I have been a therapeutic foster parent myself for over 12 years and I have to say, either the author is altering reality for the sake of the story, or she is a terrible and untrained foster parent. I am not a perfect parent by any means, but I am very knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to foster parenting very difficult children so it is difficult for me to write this review without pointing out not only what she did wrong but what she should have done. (I try to put in the good things she did whenever possible.) I lost all faith in her as a reliable narrator somewhere around page 32 (my page numbers are going to be guesstimates since I read an ebook). She had been told this child was a horror, an animal-like child, someone extremely difficult to care for, and yet after being with him for about 10 minutes she writes,
"Where on earth was this evil, feral child we’d been expecting? In fact, the start of the meeting went so well and so chattily that it began to seem surreal that this child was in care . . . ‘Look,’ I said, ‘I don’t want to seem presumptuous, but, well, he seems okay to me. I mean he’s obviously on his best behaviour, but the real child always--’
when she was interrupted by someone trying to set her straight. Every single child in care that I've met or worked with has appeared to be a typical child at first. Many were so polite it was painful, including my own daughter who I thought was the sweetest, gentlest kid before she moved in. (She was my first and the agency lied to me is all I can say.*) In addition, the line that basically says she doesn't understand why he's in care is offensive. Virtually no child is in foster care because of their behavior. They are there because the parents are not able to parent properly whether it's being able to cope with the child's special needs or from their own poor parenting. The child may have behaviors that are next to impossible to deal with, but if the parents can't cope even with every support they get, then the kid is put in group care or a mental hospital or something. After reading this book, I don't think England is any different than here in the US on this issue. This kind of statement just feeds into the idea that there's something inherently wrong with foster children, and a foster parent should know better.
There were so many places in the book where I had similar reactions that I can't possibly list them all here. I took notes on almost every other page, most of them complaining about something that the foster parent did wrong that was obvious, or something that I was incredulous about. But first the positives: the book was easy to read and flowed well. It was not predictable at all and I found myself finishing it solely because I wanted to know how it ended. She was often funny, such as when she refuses to make Christmas simpler that year and insists on putting up her three Christmas trees as usual, although I'm not sure that was intentionally humorous.
There were things that were interesting to me, too, particularly the perspective of someone in another country or even a place other than my home state. The woman gets paid to take on these kids and it's considered her job. Here in Washington State you're not allowed to do it as your job because they don't want people foster parenting for money. What's ridiculous is that kids of this level need to be parented 24/7 so you usually can't work outside the home. This makes it next to impossible for a single parent to be a therapeutic parent. I'm very lucky I've been able to manage it. I really like that there in England they recognize that this is a hard job. I don't do foster parenting for the money. But I do think it's reasonable for someone taking on these kids, whose life is full of chaos and stress every day, who is a caregiver of a special needs child 24/7, to be paid extra. People have no idea what it's like, which is why books such as this one are devoured by those who do want to know. But this is story is so unrealistic it's ridiculous.
Another interesting thing was that Casey is surprised at how much stuff the boy arrives with since his "suitcase was bulging." One suitcase? It reminded me of our American need for things and what we consider enough. Perhaps part of it is that foster kids generally don't arrive with a whole lot but even the child who came to me who had the least amount of stuff had a couple of boxes and garbage bags of things, only a few of them clothing. How many of us can claim the same? My kids take a bulging suitcase for a weekend trip. It was an interesting perspective for me.
I found the way so much was done by the agency to be as dumb as that of any here which made life more difficult for Casey and Mike. For example, the first visit with the child at home wasn't supervised and something bad happened. The second visit wasn't supervised either. Hunh? They placed this child an hour and a half away from his home and the school he continued to attend. It is much better for a kid to be homed in their own community to allow for as much normalcy as possible. It's not ideal--the father of one of my kids lives less than a mile away and is always asking to come over (not allowed) or do work for me which (awkward). Plus, the foster parents had to transport the child that far for visits. I had one child whose hometown was not quite an hour away and it was a huge problem because all of her supports were there, too, and a two hour trip for a one hour therapy session is absurd. It was also impossible for her to maintain her social life as I would have to spend four hours in the car for her to spend a few hours with a friend after school. With other kids to take care of who would have to sit in the car with me, this was just not realistic frequent socializing.
The help line was something I was impressed by. Our state only has a CPS line for reporting abuse or incidents but nothing like a help line to assist a foster parent when running into trouble. I am licensed out of a private agency because this particular one does have such a line and it has been immeasurably helpful such as when I had a suicidal and violent child engaging in very dangerous and manipulative behavior. But most private agencies don't even have that. It's a critical asset, and I'm glad she had access to such a thing.
But despite that access to help, Casey was often so clueless about what to do, the book read like she was a first time foster parent not someone experienced working with behaviorally challenging children. First of all, she made a lot of assumptions. I mentioned before that she assumed that because the boy was polite, he couldn't have a behavior problem. Then, after that first visit home when something awful happened, she smelled alcohol on the breath of one of the parents and immediately assumed she had a drinking problem which had affected the kid's behavior. If the mother had just downed a drink to cope with this latest emergency that she could do nothing about at that point, an emergency that here would not allow her access to her child unsupervised, it would be understandable--not the wisest choice, but understandable. Casey also assumed that the boy doesn't have an opinion about things because he was used to having to be so polite. I can think of half a dozen plausible reasons why a child with a traumatic past would express no opinion, and that one wouldn't even make the list. Casey also assumed that the mother didn't care about the boy because she looked nervous when Casey and Mike come to pick up the child. Birth parents tend to be either nervous or angry when interacting with anyone involved with their child's care. Both are natural and are rooted in fear.
Casey did make some good observations, such as that his running away was probably attention seeking behavior, which works since everyone gets frantic trying to find him. But then she continues to reinforce this behavior by flapping all around him when he returns, going on about how he scared them, that they were worried, that he wasn't safe, or even just asking him why he did it. Most children can't answer that question and most foster children have learned that answering anything that starts with "why" is dangerous because they don't know what the asker expects. Since they've been so traumatized and their world completely shattered, usually over and over again, they don't know why anything and don't know if something they say will make the world crumble again. Once you've established why it's so awful to run, the next time this does not need to be repeated. Don't be mean or emotional, just comment in a normal voice, like stating any other fact, the rules & consequences, and what will happen next time; don't open up it for argument or manipulation.
Casey and Mike were shown this again and again when they tried the coddling route, and it blew up in their faces by him playing them. He was a master manipulator as so many kids in care are (most had to learn how to manipulate just to survive in the horrible situations they were in). For example, he was manipulating a positives-focused behavioral management system, using it to his own ends. The way it was set up, he could do just some of the simple things he was supposed to during the day and then even if he did something really heinous, like he would still earn points to go out the next afternoon. Casey was taken aback when she realized that there was nothing put in place for this scenario, like taking points away or carrying them over until a good day or leaving specific things off the list to earn (like he could still earn a special treat but not the right to go outside). It took forever for Casey to even question this system, and then the social worker and a case aide said that the points system was part of the program and needed to be followed. This was the same social worker who said if the boy runs, just let him go and just wait for him to come back. He was always gone many hours and often he was found sitting in the rain or in a garbage can or something else that wasn't the wisest choice. Here in my state that is illegal, never mind the fact that the boy was, again, eight years old. I did like when the social worker said that Casey and Mike should ignore the behavior entirely and act like the boy wasn't even gone. (That can work on younger children, but it won't work on tweens and teens.)
She rewarded him for running away by giving him a warm bath, wrapping him up in comfort clothing, giving him hot cocoa, and spending quality time with him. This kind of thing needs to be proactive behavior, particularly used during risky times when the child is likely to take off. This should not be used immediately after an incident. In this case, when he came home very late, I would have him immediately take a warm shower because he was wet and cold--not a bath (because a shower is faster)--have him go right to his room and put pajamas on, then make him get in bed. At that point, I would give him positive reinforcement for doing these simple things, and provide the nurturing he needs by giving him a long hug if he can handle it and telling him truthfully that I loved him. I would also say that I was glad he was home (using that word rather than "back" to reinforce that this was his home for now, and he belonged here). There would be no rewards for running and coming home after hours.
This may sound harsh but this wasn't first time behavior, this was continual behavior. If a child in a regular situation runs away for the first time, as most kids do at some point, then do what you need to do to reinforce your love and give the child the nurturing the s/he needs. But with a youth who continues this very dangerous behavior, it is important to maintain rigid boundaries filled with love and appropriate nurturing, not coddling. It is not helpful to say, "Do you know how upset and worried we were?" Don't ask. Don't say "upset." That gives him power over your emotions. Try not to say anything about it tonight. Tomorrow, if you and the child haven't discussed the issue yet--such as when has run away from other placements but not from you before now--make a statement like, "We were worried for your safety because we love you and there are many dangers out there for a child of any age." You can say more, but not too much--children stop listening after just a few sentences. (This is a major problem I have. In case you can't tell, I can go on and one about a subject. I told you I'm not a perfect parent by any means.) Don't leave any room for argument or manipulation.
In the same vein, never ask "Why did you do that?!" or "You're too young to be out there." These are major triggers. Talk about the situation later when emotions are lower, preferably the next day. Engage the child in evaluating his/her own behavior. Instead of asking "Do you know why you did this," which could just be a prelude to you telling him/her why they did it (you don't know for sure and presuming what they think or feel is a huge trigger for these kids), ask "Why do you think you ran away?" which implies there are multiple answers and that you might have some in mind but you might not. This creates dialog rather than a lecture. These kids are usually smart--at least street-smart. They likely can't voice what we would think is a good answer, but it gets them thinking rather than going on the defensive. Be positive about anything they suggest as if it's a possibility, even if it's ludicrous. "Sure it could be because you thought heard the ice cream truck in Minnesota in January. Can you think of another reason?" Help them, if necessary, with either silly suggestions like, "Because your shoelaces were the wrong color?" or with fomenting questions like, "Do you know what you were thinking about or feeling when you decided to leave?" or "What was happening when you got the idea to take off?"
The reality is that kids crave boundaries. As most of us know, acting out behavior is generally because a child is testing boundaries. But the reason they're testing those boundaries is greatly in part because they want to know the boundaries are there. Children without boundaries do not feel safe and loved. They may not be able to voice it, but that's the basic reason. The more unsafe a child feels and the more they act inappropriately, the more rigid those boundaries need to be. Kids who act out in abnormal ways are not happy. Children in care need to know that there won't be any surprises. If they do that, this will happen, always. The unpredictability of emotional reactions is where so much of their fear comes from. A certain level of rebellion is normal and important as a youth learns who they are and what their place is in the world. The consequences show them where they stand and how much they are loved. So a fourteen-year-old who dyes his hair purple and pierces his eyebrow is asserting he's different from his parents (this is just a general example--stay with me people) and asserting he is his own person. How the parent(s) react will tell him how okay it is to be different and just how different is okay. (There are no right or wrong answers here--well, mostly.)
But a reaction is important because it shows that the parents care, whether it's "Hey, that's a great color on you and I have a titanium barbell I haven't worn in ages if you want it," (which probably isn't what he is going for) or he's grounded for life (probably a bit more extreme than he was anticipating). If the reaction is too extreme or emotional, it may reinforce the fear that the child is not loved such as if he gets a beating for dying his hair. Whether or not he is loved is irrelevant--the youth needs to know that he is okay even if his actions aren't. If a twelve-year-old starts stealing, she is trying even harder to see if her parent(s) care, to see if she has any boundaries. How the parent(s) react show her not only what is right and wrong, but just how important the adolescent is to them. The most important advice that I can give any potential foster parent, is to always reassure the child that s/he is a good person inside, that behavior is very different than who a person is as a person. And if you love the kid, tell him/her this every day (don't lie, though), and that your love is unconditional. Mike and Casey showed the boy this to quite an extent, although they only voiced the difference between behavior and the person once and I don't remember them telling the child that they loved him, even though they acknowledged to each other that they were very attached. (They were saints for that.)
{Apparently my review was too long so I will post the rest of the review in the first two comments.}
November 22, 2022
Zawsze ceniłam sobie książki Casey Watson, bo trzeba mieć w sobie naprawdę dużo empatii i ogromne serce, żeby przyjmować pod swój dom dzieci po przejściach. Warto spojrzeć na to, jako całość i nie oceniać poszczególnych rozdziałów, bo opinia zmienia się drastycznie.
November 27, 2017
I love Cathy Glass stories so when this popped up in my recommended i thought why not. Big mistake, the writing has none of the ease and warmth of a Cathy Glass novel. I didn't feel connected with the characters, sentences started randomly with "And", some of the grammar was poor; the over use of the term "What with" drove me bananas as well, but that is a personal peeve. I just simply didn't like it and wont read more by this author ill stick with my Cathy Glass books.
August 1, 2022
A moving account of broken childhood, happily enough coming with an insight on opportunities for mending. Being the person I am, I found in the pages of this book many lessons about empathy and understanding for other humans' weaknesses as well as for our own, skills that, I came to suspect, I need some exercising.
March 7, 2024
Not my usual genre and hoped it wouldn't break my heart too much but I did find it quite interesting and applause to this woman and her husband who take all these fosters into their home. It won't be my last book of hers
July 19, 2020
4 STARS
I truly love these stories. I have so much respect for Casey and Mike, what they do for these children who need so much and the strength of their marriage which allows them to help these desperate children together
I truly love these stories. I have so much respect for Casey and Mike, what they do for these children who need so much and the strength of their marriage which allows them to help these desperate children together
April 21, 2020
Cudowna wzruszjaca historia o chłopcu oparta na faktach ! Uwielbiam ta autorkę to już trzecia książka z pod jej pióra jaka przeczytałam i jestem zachwycona. Jak opiekować się dziećmi, które zostały pokrzywdzone przez los i skrywają wiele tajemnic ? Jak je „naprawić” i dostosować do zasad obowiązujących w społeczeństwie. Jak poradzić sobie z ogromem nagannych zachowań, które nie powinny wystąpić u dziecka ? Casey Watson zna odpowiedz na te wszystko pytania !
February 28, 2015
I was a child welfare worker, and that is what make me want to read this book. I licensed foster homes, and supervised foster children. This story takes place in some place in the UK. The system is much different than it was in the places I worked in the United States. I would sometimes have over 100 children in my caseload, and so it didn't leave much time for each child, just the ones who needed the most supervision.
This story is about an eight year old boy, who seamed to have asked, to be place in foster care. The real reason was that he was not wanted in the home. He felt unloved and unwanted for all of his life up to that point. He did a lot of acting out. He stole, he lied, he hurt people and animals, and he destroyed property.
This was a good, but sad read. It did have a good ending.
This story is about an eight year old boy, who seamed to have asked, to be place in foster care. The real reason was that he was not wanted in the home. He felt unloved and unwanted for all of his life up to that point. He did a lot of acting out. He stole, he lied, he hurt people and animals, and he destroyed property.
This was a good, but sad read. It did have a good ending.
February 15, 2014
Yet another heart breaking book by Casey Watson. So glad there was a happy ending of sorts at the end. Makes you feel for the ones that arnt as lucky.
September 23, 2016
I have trouble believing this story, especially the rapid end and all the extremes. ALso, I don't find Casey's writing all that great, doesn't really read in a nice way
June 11, 2018
like these stories about t foster children casey has but i do prefer reading about when she worked in the school. interesting to read up on sociopath behaviour and the affect it has on ppl .
January 14, 2019
If you want to read a case study involving psychology and science, this is not the book for you. If you want a hard-hitting documentary, this is also not the book for you. This is a book from a foster MOTHER (not a doctor), involving her family's attempt to help children who are broken, those children that so many others have given up on helping. There were instances I thought she was being too gentle, as did her family, but obviously the "normal" ways of discipline have not worked. A completely different approach is called for, to try to sway these children from a final disintegration and life in an institution. Some, sadly, can't be helped (I grew up knowing one such child). What I see this book doing, besides entertaining the reader, is opening the general reader up to what life is like for these abused, traumatized children and what life can be like for the families trying to help them find a place in this world. These are stories about real children and real families and a system that is struggling to help as many as possible. I didn't agree with everything she did, but I also wasn't living in that situation. Many ideas were ones I discovered during my years of providing child day care or working with people who had Alzheimer's, dementia or mental illness. I found the pace of the story steady, not too rapid or boringly slow. The author does like to use "college" words when a simple one would be just as effective. Some of the British colloquialisms were not familiar to me, but I managed to find most in the dictionary if I couldn't figure it out from the conversation. I recall very few, if any, typos or awkward structuring. I found this to be a great read and would recommend it to my friends and family.
July 3, 2025
We are introduced to Casey and her family at the beginning, and we learn that she was on a break when she received a call.
That call seems to be from John, who is a link to some of the children who need help.
But will Casey and Mike take on this little boy?
We see a boy named Spencer and his way of life. We see he is polite and friendly. However, that may not be all it seems.
We see Spencer having a side, but he seems to be stealing and taking. However, there is a hole in their bedroom where he is sleeping. What is the cause of Spencer's behaviour?
We see a bit more of Spencer and his behavior. He seems to follow the rules. However, he also has a habit of stealing and taking things that belong to others.
What could be causing the home to do this? And Why? We see more of Riley and her two children. We also see Kerion and his girlfriend Lauren. Kerion seems to have Asperger's. I'm not sure if we can find that out in one of the author's earlier books. It was a surprise mention in this book.
When Spencer School calls and finds that Spencer may be stealing, I can understand Kieron when he is a bit upset.
Well, we see what Spencer is up to, and he gets a little weekend away. However, its antics and behavior seem to come to a sudden halt.
When he goes to visit this family, something is off about his mother. And when they come back to get him. He's gone, where did he go, and what about his mother not stopping him? Though Casey may have found something of interest when they came to the door. They want to talk to Kerry's husband. What's going to be like?
That call seems to be from John, who is a link to some of the children who need help.
But will Casey and Mike take on this little boy?
We see a boy named Spencer and his way of life. We see he is polite and friendly. However, that may not be all it seems.
We see Spencer having a side, but he seems to be stealing and taking. However, there is a hole in their bedroom where he is sleeping. What is the cause of Spencer's behaviour?
We see a bit more of Spencer and his behavior. He seems to follow the rules. However, he also has a habit of stealing and taking things that belong to others.
What could be causing the home to do this? And Why? We see more of Riley and her two children. We also see Kerion and his girlfriend Lauren. Kerion seems to have Asperger's. I'm not sure if we can find that out in one of the author's earlier books. It was a surprise mention in this book.
When Spencer School calls and finds that Spencer may be stealing, I can understand Kieron when he is a bit upset.
Well, we see what Spencer is up to, and he gets a little weekend away. However, its antics and behavior seem to come to a sudden halt.
When he goes to visit this family, something is off about his mother. And when they come back to get him. He's gone, where did he go, and what about his mother not stopping him? Though Casey may have found something of interest when they came to the door. They want to talk to Kerry's husband. What's going to be like?
July 3, 2018
Another great Casey Watson book. When 8 year old Spencer checks himself into care, there’s so much more going on than it seems at first. Spencer is troubled. He gets Casey and Mike into trouble with the neighbors. He steals from neighbors and stores. He hurts local kids and animals. But Casey and Mike love him. The situation with his family is confusing, as well. He runs away on his first two home visits. His parents don’t seem to want him back and think he’s the “devil’s spawn.”
Some big revelations about Spencer’s home life happen near the end of the book. We get a nice update on how he is doing in the future. I enjoy reading Casey’s fostering stories and this one is no exception.
Some big revelations about Spencer’s home life happen near the end of the book. We get a nice update on how he is doing in the future. I enjoy reading Casey’s fostering stories and this one is no exception.
November 23, 2022
Love Casey Watson always have and always will her and Rosie Lewis are the only foster carer books I have ever been invested in.
But like diagnosing an eight year old as a sociopath is ridiculous 😭 that I setting the poor boy up for failure at least anti social behaviour but the poor boy got labelled with that before he could even become a teenager
I also feel like the ending was rushed quite a bit like just suddenly out of the blue the mum has left the dad and wants him back and they let her I think there should’ve been so much more evaluation and explanation. But obviously he’s fine now so it worked but just my opinion
But like diagnosing an eight year old as a sociopath is ridiculous 😭 that I setting the poor boy up for failure at least anti social behaviour but the poor boy got labelled with that before he could even become a teenager
I also feel like the ending was rushed quite a bit like just suddenly out of the blue the mum has left the dad and wants him back and they let her I think there should’ve been so much more evaluation and explanation. But obviously he’s fine now so it worked but just my opinion
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 26, 2017
I enjoyed this book...
...but maybe I'm getting a little overwhelmed. I've read four Casey Watson books in less than two weeks and the horrors of what these kids go through is starting to get to me. It's horrible what people do to their own children. I can't imagine what poor Spencer went through for the eight years before he came to Casey's family. She and Mike are angels.
...but maybe I'm getting a little overwhelmed. I've read four Casey Watson books in less than two weeks and the horrors of what these kids go through is starting to get to me. It's horrible what people do to their own children. I can't imagine what poor Spencer went through for the eight years before he came to Casey's family. She and Mike are angels.
September 5, 2019
Spencer
This book is about Spencer a troubled child who only wanted love but his father didn't love him and he was taken into Casey's care cash have him all the love and support he needed but Spencer wanted his mams love .5 STARS
This book is about Spencer a troubled child who only wanted love but his father didn't love him and he was taken into Casey's care cash have him all the love and support he needed but Spencer wanted his mams love .5 STARS
January 6, 2022
Very sad story
Like most children brought into care this poor child has a difficult time adjusting. Casey has her work cut out for her with this wee one. Even with all her patience and love. He still didn't respond
Like most children brought into care this poor child has a difficult time adjusting. Casey has her work cut out for her with this wee one. Even with all her patience and love. He still didn't respond
April 12, 2022
fantastic read
Such a wonderful book about an 8 year old little boy that has come into casey’s care. This poor little boy feels rejected by the very people who are meant to love him the most, his parents.
Such a wonderful book about an 8 year old little boy that has come into casey’s care. This poor little boy feels rejected by the very people who are meant to love him the most, his parents.
June 18, 2018
Great book, as usual.
November 13, 2019
Very good
December 14, 2019
A sad book about a child in care
Not as graphic as some so I was glad about that.
Amazing how different things are handled outside of the USA
Not as graphic as some so I was glad about that.
Amazing how different things are handled outside of the USA
March 12, 2021
I read this in 3 days it was very good. Especialy as I had done foster care myself.
April 17, 2021
Took a little time to get into it but really good otherwise
April 25, 2021
Good book
March 6, 2022
Wow! how Casey stayed on through this one, I don't know. Glad to see things turned around for Spencer in the end
March 18, 2022
This poor kid, what a strange situation it all was.
April 15, 2022
Yet another heartbreaking story but with a positive ending. The way Cathy Glass writes, it totally engrosses you and is so inspiring
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 26, 2022
Heart breaking
March 11, 2013
First, let me say I received this book from a goodreads giveaway.
Too Hurt to Stay by Casey Watson, is about a husband and wife (Casey and Mike) who are foster carers. Not just any foster carers, but 'Specialist foster carers' meaning they've signed up to take the kids whose next step would be an institution, or 'secure unit'. They get a call to take in Spencer. A child who has been described as feral, vicious, abnormal and being born evil.
Spencer is eight years old.
According to the book, this is a true story.
The events described in this book would be disturbing for any mother to read. They were incomprehensible for me. It's not that I don't understand how an 8 year old can do some of the things in this book, but how the mother of this child could have let it get this bad in the first place.
The book was well written and flowed nicely. The author poured her emotions out in the pages, and it shows. There are parts of this story that made me wonder how well of a 'seasoned' carer she really was, but in the beginning of the book she tells us that Spencer is their fifth child. Before she had Spencer it was a pair of siblings. Which means this is only her 4th time dealing with the system. I have not been a foster carer, so I don't know how it all works, and I'm not claiming I do. I do not live in the UK where the author lives, so I know even less about the system written in this book. Therefore, my opinions on this matter are strictly that, my opinions.
That being said, some of the things mentioned in this book really made me think the system in place should have been modified early on for this case. Because they were dealing with specialized care for what is basically the LAST STOP for these kids before they are sent away to one institution or another, you would think that the program would be tweaked for the individual child. The author speaks of a point system which the children are on, that allows them to earn points for certain good behaviors, and then 'buy' privileges with the points they've earned. This sounds like a good plan when mentioned just like that, right? Well then you find out there's not a point deduction point of this program, so there's a HUGE GAPING LOOPHOLE that Spencer pointed out right from the start. If he is naughty, he might not earn certain points, like, respecting adults. But if he does other things on this list, he can still manage to buy time for tv, playing with friends, etc. It bothered me that Casey never thought about questioning this system until basically it was too late. It bothered me that things weren't mentioned to the case worker when they came up at the home visit, and, OMW I can't even list how many things I saw wrong with the first home visit ... the parts we were told about in the book, anyway.
But just because those things bothered me, it didn't take anything away from the quality of the book, though some of the things made me wonder if there was some embellishment or if huge pieces of the story were missing, that would make something that happened or was mentioned make a little more sense when you read the reactions of the characters.
All and all I thought this was a pretty good book, and it definitely made me feel for Casey and Mike, but more than anything, I felt for Spencer. I can't even tell you how many tears I cried for this poor soul, and the end of the book left me wanting. Not to mentioned seriously ticked off at the system. I'm not going to say why so I don't spoil the ending, but I have some serious doubts that the mental health of this child is going to be in a better place once he becomes an adult. I just feel like there should have been more done for him, and more that was continuing well after the story ended.
All and all this was a good (but emotional) book to read, I would recommend it to anyone who likes to read books about troubled children.
Too Hurt to Stay by Casey Watson, is about a husband and wife (Casey and Mike) who are foster carers. Not just any foster carers, but 'Specialist foster carers' meaning they've signed up to take the kids whose next step would be an institution, or 'secure unit'. They get a call to take in Spencer. A child who has been described as feral, vicious, abnormal and being born evil.
Spencer is eight years old.
According to the book, this is a true story.
The events described in this book would be disturbing for any mother to read. They were incomprehensible for me. It's not that I don't understand how an 8 year old can do some of the things in this book, but how the mother of this child could have let it get this bad in the first place.
The book was well written and flowed nicely. The author poured her emotions out in the pages, and it shows. There are parts of this story that made me wonder how well of a 'seasoned' carer she really was, but in the beginning of the book she tells us that Spencer is their fifth child. Before she had Spencer it was a pair of siblings. Which means this is only her 4th time dealing with the system. I have not been a foster carer, so I don't know how it all works, and I'm not claiming I do. I do not live in the UK where the author lives, so I know even less about the system written in this book. Therefore, my opinions on this matter are strictly that, my opinions.
That being said, some of the things mentioned in this book really made me think the system in place should have been modified early on for this case. Because they were dealing with specialized care for what is basically the LAST STOP for these kids before they are sent away to one institution or another, you would think that the program would be tweaked for the individual child. The author speaks of a point system which the children are on, that allows them to earn points for certain good behaviors, and then 'buy' privileges with the points they've earned. This sounds like a good plan when mentioned just like that, right? Well then you find out there's not a point deduction point of this program, so there's a HUGE GAPING LOOPHOLE that Spencer pointed out right from the start. If he is naughty, he might not earn certain points, like, respecting adults. But if he does other things on this list, he can still manage to buy time for tv, playing with friends, etc. It bothered me that Casey never thought about questioning this system until basically it was too late. It bothered me that things weren't mentioned to the case worker when they came up at the home visit, and, OMW I can't even list how many things I saw wrong with the first home visit ... the parts we were told about in the book, anyway.
But just because those things bothered me, it didn't take anything away from the quality of the book, though some of the things made me wonder if there was some embellishment or if huge pieces of the story were missing, that would make something that happened or was mentioned make a little more sense when you read the reactions of the characters.
All and all I thought this was a pretty good book, and it definitely made me feel for Casey and Mike, but more than anything, I felt for Spencer. I can't even tell you how many tears I cried for this poor soul, and the end of the book left me wanting. Not to mentioned seriously ticked off at the system. I'm not going to say why so I don't spoil the ending, but I have some serious doubts that the mental health of this child is going to be in a better place once he becomes an adult. I just feel like there should have been more done for him, and more that was continuing well after the story ended.
All and all this was a good (but emotional) book to read, I would recommend it to anyone who likes to read books about troubled children.
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