You're Not the Problem: The Impact of Narcissism and Emotional Abuse and How to Heal

by Helen Villiers, Katie McKenna

Two popular psychotherapists explore narcissism in family of origin, unpacking the fallout from being raised by narcissistic parents, and offering strategies for how to heal.

Many emotionally abusive behaviors from parent to child have become socially acceptable because of the way we repeat things our parents said and did, things passed down from generation to generation that persist today. You're Not the Problem enables us to recognize these behaviors and realize the profound impact they have had, and still have, and to see the patterns they form in our relationships with parents, partners and friends. It also shows us how to heal on a personal level but also on a societal level. The legacy and the damage caused by narcissistic and emotional abuse will carry on, perpetuated by trauma and repeating cycles, unless we learn to recognize and understand it, unless we as individuals and as a society learn how to challenge it and stop its vicious cycle of destruction—which is what this book sets out to do.
 
This book will explain and illustrate:
How to recognize emotional abuse in family relationships: its language and behaviors
The immediate and long term impact of these behaviors
Strategies for healing 
How to avoid repeating these behaviors

Using client narratives and sample scripts, Villiers and McKenna offer a compassionate, sympathetic approach to looking at our familial patterns—and how we can break free from these toxic relationships and reclaim our lives.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Audiobook, Relationships, Parenting

Audiobook

First published April 9, 2024

About the author

Helen Villiers, LLB, PG Cert, PG Dip, MA is a psychotherapist with a Masters degree in Working Therapeutically with Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents. Helen trained in psychotherapy at USW and worked for the NHS for 5 years pre and post qualification. Helen now has a busy private practice; as well as working with clients recovering from narcissistic abuse, she also specializes in autism and ADHD, and is a couples' counsellor too. Together with co-author Katie, she hosts the successful podcast 'In Sight' where she gets to live out a lifelong dream of playing agony aunt to listeners, responding to letters, offering insights and healing to those who write in and those who tune in. Helen now lives in South Wales with her two children and their spaniel. Helen’s hobby is having hobbies, and she has her ADHD to thank for that! Helen particularly loves music and to sing. Find her on TikTok @liberationhelen

Reviews

[Swaye · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sometimes painful but incredibly healing read. Thank you Helen and Katie for this invaluable, compassionate, and empowering gift to all adult children of narcissistic and emotionally abusive parents. The gratitude I feel is beyond what words could ever express. I wish I could download this book directly into my brain so I would never forget a single word.

This is a book I will always cherish. It's a resource I'll keep coming back to for as long as my healing journey takes me.

[Shai · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm going to start off by saying I really like this book. Enough that I'm adding it to my shelf of reference books. The authors, Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna thoroughly explain what narcissism is, how it impacts those that interact with people with negative narcissistic traits and strategies you can use when you need to communicate with a person exhibiting negative narcissistic traits.

One of my first takeaways was that narcissism isn't what I thought it was - or, it isn't ONLY my initial conception of it. I thought there was only one kind of narcissism and that it was always bad. It turns out that there are 5 main traits and they show up in different ways. I like how Villiers and McKenna explain that there are some upsides or "positive narcissistic traits". Appropriately healthy grandiosity for example, helps you to advocate for yourself and better your situation. Seeing the "positive traits" along with the negative helped me to better understand how having narcissistic traits can turn negative and go wrong. You can't have dark if light doesn't exist, right?

Most of the book is dedicated to describing the impact of narcissism as the subtitle says. I have to say that I really took my time digesting this book with post-it notes, highlighters and discussions with friends/family members. I think many of us have had to interact with a person exhibiting negative narcissistic traits at some point in our lives. I learned a great deal and found it interesting how children who grow up in narcissistic families are often self-sacrificing and how each child is treated differently and reacts differently to narcissistic parents.

I recommend this book to anyone whose job entails working with others, or anyone who wants to learn more about narcissism, psychology, and child development. Reading books such as these help us better understand the people around us and why they are the way they are and do the things they do.

I received an Advanced Reader's Copy of this book from Hachette through the HB Social Club and would like to thank them for sending me this ARC as I enjoyed reading it.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I read this together since both of us have narcissistic mothers. It was exactly what we both needed. And I loved the activities that were included. This wasn't preachy or demeaning, it was down-to-earth, easy to understand, and spot on.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

First, thanks to NetGalley and Hatchette Book Group for an ARC copy of this book!

This is a book about narcissism in close relationships and the effect it can have on us. It most pointedly references parental relationships, but also encompasses anyone the reader is close to, including spouses/significant others.

As someone who grew up in a household that had a parent with a different personality disorder, I still found a lot of this really applicable and important. The authors also pointed out how relationships with narcissists are cyclical—if you grew up with one, you’re even more likely to pursue relationships with them as an adult because that’s what you know. Again, I’d have to agree. Having a parent with a personality disorder distorted what I thought of myself and what I felt I deserved in relationships and I’ve found myself in way deeper than I ever should have been with narcissists and other unfavorable individuals. It was validating to see that it’s not an inherent flaw that I have or a problem that I have created and reiterated several things my therapists have told me as well as brought up a few things I was able to take to them for us to work on!

I’d highly recommend this to anyone interested in learning more about narcissistic individuals, the repercussions of their actions and behaviors, and how to start healing from those relationships of their past.

[Ag · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this one! Oh my, I loved this one so much!
It was such a validating read! Validating and healing at the same time.
Did you grow up with a narcissistic parent? Must read!
Did you live with someone who is a narcissist? Must read!
Seriously, this one is next level read on the subject.

[Tabitha - · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well this hit a little too close to home. 😒 fantastically written.

[Josiah · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this book another star, I would!

I started reading it to help me better support some of the clients I work with, and ended up identifying with much more of this book than I expected.

Villers and McKenna write together in a clear and inviting voice that guides and supports readers through some very difficult topics. They intersperse their writing with accounts from clients, which help engage readers, normalizes self-reflection, and helps to decrease the feelings of isolation experienced by many survivors if emotional abuse. They also incorporate well-structured and simple to follow short exercises to assist in self-exploration, re-examination of relationship structures/patterns, re-parenting, and healing.

While the title suggests this book is for children of narcissists and survivors of emotional abuse, I have found the application of their writing and insight to be far broader, and have begun recommending this book to many clients with less toxic/painful, but still fraught family relationships. I think nearly anyone could benefit from reading this book, but especially those struggling with the lasting impacts of painful, neglectful, or emotionally abusive childhoods or even current partners.

[haleigh ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very eye-opening

[Bridgette · Rating 5 out of 5]

*well-written, informative novel
*easy to read and kept my interest from cover to cover
*educational - a powerful learning experience
*highly recommend

[Katie Murphy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to netgalkey and the publisher for the ARC!

I am a big fan of self help and education myself on how people work and develop. This addresses narcissistic behavior but I think people will be surprised to learn how applicable this is. If you’re in therapy this may be a good way to understand past relationships

[Dee/ bookworm · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very surprised at the range of examples of behavior. You could really apply it to other relationships you have. Siblings, friends, employers, associates, etc. to see which relationships are toxic and how to create boundaries to make your life more healthy. Very positive reading!

[Beth]

Like other books related to trauma or mental health, this one took some time to go through. I have previously read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I think this book is for much of the same audience, except that I liked this more. I appreciated that there were so many journaling activities, and that this book actually explained what people mean when talking about "reparenting the inner child." I also just appreciated that this book so clearly spoke to the self-gaslighting that I often do. This book is a great resource for many people.

Thank you to NetGalley and Hachette for this ARC.

[Harriet Shearsmith · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fundamental part of any child of a narcissistic parent’s bookshelf. Helen and Katie have managed to weave being informative with reassurance and balance. It’s honestly brilliant.

[Paris Duvall · Rating 5 out of 5]

A painful, informative, and healing read. Definitely not light subject matter (obviously), but I highly recommend to those who feel as if they may benefit from it.

[Kathy]

DNF at 41%… this one was on me! I read the title and didn’t read what the book was actually about. This is a book about being raised by narcissistic parents and how to heal from that trauma. Would highly recommend if you have experienced this in your life!

[RxReads · Rating 5 out of 5]

"You're Not the Problem" by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna is a vital resource for anyone grappling with the aftermath of narcissistic parenting or relationships. Drawing from personal anecdotes and therapeutic insights, the book sheds light on the lasting impact of emotional abuse while offering strategies for healing. As someone who has experienced the challenges of navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals, I found the validation and understanding provided by the authors immensely reassuring.

While the book provides valuable insights and practical strategies for healing, I wished for more concrete advice on navigating day-to-day interactions with narcissistic individuals. Despite this, the accessible writing style and engaging narratives make it a worthwhile read for anyone seeking to understand and overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse in their lives. Overall, "You're Not the Problem" serves as a beacon of hope and understanding for those on the path to healing.

Thank You Netgalley for my advanced copy in exchange for my honest review!

[Anonymous · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm giving this four stars because I really liked it and found it helpful. Where it could have been better was to give more concrete advice about how to heal and move forward, as well as, how to deal with the narcissistic people in your life. They gave examples of approximately 3 or 4 different people and the issues they had with either a parent or spouse, but some of their issues weren't my issues. Also, like a lot of these type of books, it would be nice it there were more concrete suggestions about how to deal with the difficult people in your life.

Overall I do think it's a helpful book, hence the four stars, but it could've had more helpful suggestions for day to day interactions and stressors and examples that rang closer to my own experiences. It is easy to read and you will get a lot of it, so I would recommend it overall.

[Crimson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley and Hachette Books for this eARC in exchange for an honest review.

I really don't have much to say except that I have read a LOT of books on childhood trauma and narcissistic parents... and this is one of the better ones out there. Definitely worth the read. However, it did miss some of the ways that older children and adults can be living with these trauma responses. Not all children or narcissistic parents are docile people pleasers.

[Amanda Foy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Profound AHAs reading this book. The audio version is a great option. The two authors speaking helps with your brain taking in the information while they spell out the clinical stuff together with the examples.

[Linda Tendler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an eye-opening Godsend!! I am not alone and it’s truly not me!! I was raised this way, chose my first husband because, I was used to being treated this way. Of course, I got it right the 2nd time but, brought baggage! I’m slowly healing and feeling better about who I REALLY am! 💝

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazingly insightful, relatable, validating and empowering

[Victoria Catherine Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

'Narcissist' is a term that is frequently used, often arising in the context of discussions around unhealthy behaviour. But what actually is narcissism, how common is it, and how does it manifest? You're Not The Problem by psychotherapists Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna answers these questions, exploring narcissistic family dynamics and the impact that narcissistic parents have on their offspring. It also highlights the risk of pattern repetition in adult children of narcissists, and provides exercises designed to facilitate awareness and healing.

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Not having any qualifications in psychology or counselling, it's difficult for me to review a book like this one on its merits. That said, I found it informative and easy to read, with helpful case studies as examples. I can see it being a useful tool for people looking to educate themselves on narcissism. Primarily though, I think the book's real value lies in its validation of the experiences of adult children of narcissistic parents.

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As someone who has had no contact with their own mother for upwards of a decade, I know all too well that it's societally frowned upon to cut contact with your parents in a way that it just isn't with any other relationship. As a result, it's easy for outsiders to judge the adult child, and for the adult child to internalise parental rejection as a fundamental flaw within themselves. Books like this one not only raise awareness of unhealthy parenting, but they also move the dialgoue around family dynamics forward, reducing stigma for those adult children who have opted to go no contact with their unhealthy parents. Crucially though, by highlighting these issues and providing a lens through which to reframe them, this book also encourages healing, hopefully reducing the likelihood of the adult child going on to accept similarly unhealthy behaviours in their future relationships.

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I'm not qualified to label anyone a narcissist, but in terms of the impact this book had on me personally, it was sad but comforting to learn how common some of these experiences were. It also reinforced that the problem was never mine, and that healing is possible.

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[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

*Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for providing me with an ARC of this title. All thought and opinions are my own and were in no way influenced by receiving this copy.

4.5 Stars. I've been doing a lot of work in recent years to heal from my childhood trauma from being 'raised' by a narcissist. This is my second or third book that I've read, so a lot was repeat info I have already gotten from other books, but the refresh is always helpful as I continue to work on myself.

My only real problem (and I hate calling it that I just cannot think of a better word for it at the moment) with this book are that there were too many 'example' characters, between Rebecca, Jack, Jane, and whoever else, it was hard to keep track of who dealt with what experience growing up and that then caused what ever issue we were talking about in that chapter. I had to keep going back to reference the first chapter when it was first talked about to be able to know who experienced what and why they were behaving this way. By the end I got it, but it took time. But I really liked the multiple different POV for how trauma can influence differently for different people. I'm not sure there was a better way to do this than how it was done here.

[Janis · Rating 4 out of 5]

"You're Not the Problem" is an extensive work on narcissistic parents, which traits identify them, how their children suffer and cope as well as how they are able to deal with the trauma later in life.
The book outlines well how growing up with a narcissistic parent might lead to falling prey to narcissists in later relationships or in other cases might cause a narcissistic personality disorder to develop in the child as well. In that, it does clarify that trauma never justifies abuse.
While the focus on parents and children was interesting and well deserved, regarding the disproportionate impact narcissists are able to inflict in these situations, I would have liked a deeper exploration of different relationships.
I think it can be a really helpful read for people who had to grow up under narcissistic influence.

[Nougat · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a goldmine of revelations and clarifications. It's also highly readable. I gobbled it down in three nights. I have watched numerous (too many) YouTube videos by doctors and generalists giving opinions but after a while they all sound the same. This book is different. The authors are specialists in emotional abuse and narcissism and their confidence shines though, tackling all the nuances, which has been really reassuring for me. It's also cleared up many grey areas I've been struggling with in my own parenting. Felt bereft after finishing the book so have moved onto their podcast, which is also brilliant. This book is also validating. I see some people taking issue with this here which isn’t very compassionate. I don’t think they would if they knew what it was like to experience this firsthand. For someone like me who has experienced it, this validation is not only helpful but necessary. We need it to help us shake off the false beliefs instilled in us. Eg I was told I was an idiot every single day. It takes a strong counter voice to give me the strength not to doubt myself in a moment of weakness. It’s the same for my sister. He did the same to my mother as well but she is too depressed now to do anything, let alone stand up for herself.

[Jasmine]

Another DNF for now at 47% I actually learned a lot from this book but at this season of my life, I would like more fun fiction books than serious non-fiction, so it’s a pass for me at this present moment.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of the information in this book isn’t surprising, but it’s still a worthwhile read and very validating.

[Miri Ingold-Lacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant book. Lots of useful information and guidance in an easy-to-read format. Would recommend to anyone who is effected/has a loved one who has been effected by generational trauma/dysfunctional family dynamics

[Taylor Bechtel · Rating 4 out of 5]

cool girls try to heal their trauma

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful

Very helpful exercises included in the book. Excellent introduction to the problem of narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic parents and the problem generally.