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192 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 6, 2024
Where would you put a third arm? is a question asked in creativity assessment tests, or so I have heard. Will this different kind of novel be like that, like a third arm? I hate creativity (she said). Certainly not like a third arm. It would be less and less and less, not more. Barthes died, he never got there. She named other attempts, Flaubert, etc. Other renunciators, none of them clear on what to renounce. This chair I’m sitting in (she thought). Its fantastic wovenness, a wicker chair, old, from the back porch, brought in for winter. Me sitting here, by a lamp, wrapped in a quilt, beside the giant black windows, this December blackness, this 4:30 a.m. kitchen reflected on the glass. The glass too cold to touch. The loudness of the silence of a kitchen at night. The small creak of my chair.
To be a different kind of novel it would have to abolish something, abolish several things – plot, consequence, the pleasure a reader derives from answers withheld, the premeditation of these. Abolish, not just renounce them. To renounce is weak, reactive, egotistic. If she were ever really writing it would pull her down into itself and erase everything but her decency. She would correspond at all points to her story but her story would not be a story of heaven, hell, chaos, the world, the war at Troy or love, it would be just telling itself. It would have no gaps, no little indecent places where she didn’t know what she was talking about. Because (she wanted to say) it would be a story of nothing and everything at the same time, but by now, while only dimly realising she was more or less quoting Flaubert’s 1852 letter about “A book about nothing” that everyone quotes when they have this idea the first time, she knew she had lost it, the murmur, the trace, the nub where it was her own and (whatever “own” means in a world where it is also “again”). She was forfeit, foolish, flailing, inexact and rattling on, it had eluded her, it lets me go! I cannot bear to be let go, clenched in my quilt, a phantom receding, it rustles off, the dawn barely blueing the air, the static stopped.
Sneaking about the halls, eavesdropping here and there, I learn a few things. They are from Iceland, these visitors, which explains a lot. Perhaps you’ve been to Iceland? I went once, I couldn’t stay. There is nothing there but emptiness. A gigantic empty wind wails along the edge of every minute and tosses the odd dazed seabird out onto the empty beach. When you drive the single lonely highway, a huge piece of emptiness drives along beside you and goes wherever you go, then piles up in your driveway at home on top of the emptiness from the other days. You see horses standing in the fields so soaked with emptiness they can’t move, they’ve been there for years, they might as well be waterfalls. Of course all this exerts a psychic pressure on inhabitants – the whole soul frays. I made lists while I was there. I took photographs too, but later at home found the emptiness had vanished from each one, leaving a tiny print. Pawprint, handprint, mouthprint, I can’t tell.
“Warfare has grown increasingly faceless throughout its history. Surely Hektor and Akhilles looked into each other’s eyes on the battlefield, but in 1092 Pope Urban II found it necessary to outlaw the crossbow as being inglorious due to its distance from death, and by the 21st century a soldier in Nevada can push a button and have five people in Pakistan burst into flame. Without the face, no ethics: this is an old idea. But also, without the face, no function for me, nothing to write about. No one can make sentences using only verbs. No one can tell a story without believing in the reality of others.”
The hymns of the Rig Veda contain the following suggestion: "Something only exists if consciousness perceives it as existing. And if a consciousness perceives it, within this consciousness there must be another consciousness perceiving the consciousness that perceives," and so forth. You can pursue this regress in an inward direction, as Vedic scholars do, or you can go the other way and find sky upon sky upon sky perceiving all the degrees of consciousness in the cosmos. You need to take a breath to think this. And your breath is the thinking. We think each other back and forth, your mind and me. We write one another.
Chilled and stale as the old night itself she stood up and folded the quilt, wishing she were hungry but she was not, wishing she was the kind of person who took baths but, as a rule, she did not bathe. Part of the reason for this was that at the exact moment of lowering her body into boiling hot water, for a split second, this always happens, she is five years old again and it is Sunday night and she is horrified. Horrified why? She doesn't know. School on Monday? But she did not dislike school. Or maybe she did at first. Not later. At any rate there is a rolling all-pervasive upwash of dread, one great hot shooting surge of dread-sensation through mind and body, a sense - perhaps? - of Time, carrying a body on from Sunday night to Monday morning to every Monday morning after that and on and on to extinction, this progress, this exasperating, nonnegotiable, obliterating motion forward into the dark, the dark what? And what about the sheer searing thrill of it - boiling hot bath water, this could not be denied, a brilliance shot up through it and the body fairly sang. Then it was gone. Is there a childhood sublime? Does it end where expectation begins? For the sublime is punctured by egotism, by the rapt, hard, small beak of my self demanding to be me. My self finding the words for that. If I can find the words I can make it real, she thought and that was when she sat down to be a writer.
4. Do hawks and falcons look so fantastic rising and falling because they have the sky as background or would they look equally good flying through mud or a piece of corduroy.
5. Ontologically speaking, is the sky something or merely what is left over because everything else has edges.
Here's a precis of the most interesting answers that the pebbles gave to my questions.
1. smoothness
2. The Krumbein phi scale of sedimentology
3. Mars
4. golf on Mars
5. put up signs expressing state of mind, e.g. Yes! I love you! Help!
My questions had been concerned with the following areas, respectively:
1. criteria for racial or class prejudice in your community
2. a better way to judge the National Book Awards
3. favorite vacation spot
4. favorite vacation activity
5. what would you do first if you had hands?