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Dark Chatter
Quicklime Petterson is still kicking around campus two years after commencement. But as the post-college daze is petering out, an offer comes in: pen a porn script for the policeman who just busted him, get his charges dropped. With no time to workshop, the erstwhile English major pounds out an introspective, Oedipal flesh-flick entitled "Conceptual Tart." The project attracts a tween star in search of an edgy role, and media frenzy ensues. As the would-be one-off deal threatens to become a vocation, Quicklime attempts to find the honest career he meant to start after college, amidst growing renown as a pornographer.
186 pages, Paperback
First published March 2, 2013
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604 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
March 28, 2013
Dark Chatter has been a unique morsel for my very tired eyes. After spending two days reading Andrew Branch’s book nonstop, I find myself in awe. In awe of what you ask? TALENT.
Quicklime, our protagonist (uses term loosely) is a darn cool character in the literary world. He sips on caipirinhas, dons a Thomas Pynchon tattoo and has mommy issues that symphonize with porn. Quicklime graduated college two years prior but still hangs out on campus working as a landscaper. After a day of picking up abandoned mortarboards, Quicklime heads out for a drink with his roommate Ray. Unfortunately, Ray hits a car and finds himself in the presence of Officer Krit and a baggie of shrooms. Krit offers Quicklime an easy out to help his buddy: write a porn screenplay in exchange for Ray’s freedom. And so, Conceptual Tart is born! Quicklime delivers his blackmail and retrieves good ole Ray. Once home, the roommates celebrate freedom by downing beers and popping xannies. Before the xannies fully kick in, Quicklime decides it’s time to grow up. The next day he heads to Dubai and soon begins work at the Xanadune Sanitarium. Meanwhile, Conceptual Tart becomes a big hit and Krit summons Quicklime back to the states…dum dum dummmmm
Comedy and surrealism come together to weave a strangely rich and profound story. This story is so wildly complex you can’t just speak about it – you have to read it!
Quicklime, our protagonist (uses term loosely) is a darn cool character in the literary world. He sips on caipirinhas, dons a Thomas Pynchon tattoo and has mommy issues that symphonize with porn. Quicklime graduated college two years prior but still hangs out on campus working as a landscaper. After a day of picking up abandoned mortarboards, Quicklime heads out for a drink with his roommate Ray. Unfortunately, Ray hits a car and finds himself in the presence of Officer Krit and a baggie of shrooms. Krit offers Quicklime an easy out to help his buddy: write a porn screenplay in exchange for Ray’s freedom. And so, Conceptual Tart is born! Quicklime delivers his blackmail and retrieves good ole Ray. Once home, the roommates celebrate freedom by downing beers and popping xannies. Before the xannies fully kick in, Quicklime decides it’s time to grow up. The next day he heads to Dubai and soon begins work at the Xanadune Sanitarium. Meanwhile, Conceptual Tart becomes a big hit and Krit summons Quicklime back to the states…dum dum dummmmm
Comedy and surrealism come together to weave a strangely rich and profound story. This story is so wildly complex you can’t just speak about it – you have to read it!
May 17, 2019
Dark Chatter by Andrew Branch
(Within the Dark Chatter this is a memorable novel)
There was a lot to like about this novel.
It seems to be so much and yet it falls so short of what it could be.
Like expecting french-fries and getting fried potatoes.
The book takes off with a bang that's more of a false tap in that it entails the story of how our hero or anti-hero of the story is conceived. Which seems to be by some excess hand-waving rivaled only by the conception of Garp in John Irving's The World According to Garp.
Abe-IV- the father of whatever offspring may come; appears to be in no condition to father a child normally and will soon die. Abe's mother wishes a child heir and his-nurse-lover-whatever-must be wife,Helga,(I was admittedly confused) will have a separate child that she may raise more conventionally away from high society.
In this case the suspected way to acquisition of sperm leads to a supposed short term vault at the sperm bank where parties divvy up and bring in their personal incubators to accomplish the task of creating an heir for Sabrina and son for Helga and Abe.
Sabrina gets her next Abe-number five- who manages, in the offing to off himself in a most awful way. Apparently unable to stand the effort of finding a willing womb and waiting any longer for things to come about Sabrina must opt to steal-Peter-the child of Helga.(Steal by first stealing his affection.)
Fast-forward we find Quicklime (Peter James) at college-his alma mater- doing janitorial work on the grounds. And thus we are introduced into his life of free wheeling care free drugs and alcohol with his room mates and boarders Raymond and Billy.
Quicklime Calcium oxide (CaO), commonly known as quicklime or burnt lime.
Quicklime It is a white, caustic, alkaline crystalline solid at room temperature.
That's the name of our anti-hero. The moniker he has taken for whatever reason. I'm not sure that we're ever really told why, but even so I'm not sure it would matter. This story reads much like all the brass in the house that might consume someones handiwork at keeping polished and yet serve only the purpose of attracting the eye to its glistening shine like sunlight coming over the horizon. There really seems no purpose.
In some ways Quicklime does seem caustic. Such as when he proposes to the driver of the car they bashed; that he'd become a raw vegan if she'd go out with him. It's this incident that leads him to his life as a porn screen play writer. Also it leads to his becoming a semi-Raw vegan.
Quicklime has a tattoo that he variously passes off as something other than what it is. When the reader is finally told what it is its not hard to understand that there's no confidence built into this story for the reader to rely on.
Value for value I went to the wiki-place to find the definition of the mans favorite drink. Caipirinha.
The word caipirinha is the diminutive version of the word caipira, which refers to someone from the countryside, being an almost exact equivalent of the American English hillbilly or the Lowland Scots teuchter. The word may be used as either a masculine or a feminine noun, but when referring to this drink it is only feminine (usage of diminutives is common in Brazil).
In the Brazilian vocabulary, the word caipirinha is mostly associated with the drink itself rather than the class of person.
I suppose it is appropriate that the character who might consider himself to be associated with both of those slurs of low life should have this as his favorite drink. It is helpful that the association of both this and the word lime in quick lime would lead to the revelatory method for cleaning the closed environment of the anti-heroes anti girlfriend. Though it's quite inventive to use a method for cleaning microwave ovens as a means to clean the grime off the domes I'm not sure how well that might work without thoroughly scrubbing everything before it has time to re-seat itself in all of its smear -ish dripping glory.
This whole story the novel is a long series of Analogs stuffed together side by side like rolls of socks or underwear in the dresser in some seeming order just waiting to be plucked out. It's like twisting a tale full of similes and metaphors with a few tongue and cheek mentions to further confound and befuddle the the reader. There are smatterings of pop references that will one day give the feel of some cockeyed inside joke when there are few people left to remember who's pop they reference.
At one point I began reading some of these out-loud to my wife who reads a lot of romance. She responded by reading portions of her current romance novel's analogs and the whole night digressed into a competition, which had us both rolling out of our lazy-boys. I have a lot more respect for those romance novel authors now.
I feel like having been exposed to the writing of someone who travel in a clique of writers who hold dear a certain number of inside jokes that they spread as if they are smatterings of autumn leaves that have been ripened beyond the smell of autumn and perhaps left at deaths door. They have a certain air about them.
There are three pornographic screenplays in this work. I'm sure in some way there could be said that they describe perhaps:
Where Quicklime came from (especially from his own perspective)
Where he was today (why relationships for him manage to suck)
Where things might end (almost with some inevitability.)
This makes these three eventful shorts integral to the plot beyond the fact that they are a main plot point to the entire novel. Which seemed too bad in the long run.
The blatant pornographic nature of the three shorts draws attention to the internal parts of this novel that border on pornography which has been gently imbedded into clever words. There is so much richness and depth to- not only what Andrew Branch has to say but how he says it that I feel its cheapened by the blatant attempt to shock the reader.
I would not recommend this to anyone- meaning that if they choose to read this then it has to be their choice. There is a lot here that might be enjoyed but the talent displayed has been disjointed like an over enthusiastic soccer players knees. And all of that effort to create some knee jerk reaction that may or may not serve a purpose.
I'm still not sure I got the point of the story and that might not be a bad thing.
For those who had to back track and re-read there is an easier way. Read through carefully; there are so many nuances and inferences within the writing its like every character is a palimpsest for the author to write their analog across so that both the face and the overlay come out in the readers mental-eye creating a blurred image that's often more descriptive than the original face might be.
J.L. Dobias
(Within the Dark Chatter this is a memorable novel)
There was a lot to like about this novel.
It seems to be so much and yet it falls so short of what it could be.
Like expecting french-fries and getting fried potatoes.
The book takes off with a bang that's more of a false tap in that it entails the story of how our hero or anti-hero of the story is conceived. Which seems to be by some excess hand-waving rivaled only by the conception of Garp in John Irving's The World According to Garp.
Abe-IV- the father of whatever offspring may come; appears to be in no condition to father a child normally and will soon die. Abe's mother wishes a child heir and his-nurse-lover-whatever-must be wife,Helga,(I was admittedly confused) will have a separate child that she may raise more conventionally away from high society.
In this case the suspected way to acquisition of sperm leads to a supposed short term vault at the sperm bank where parties divvy up and bring in their personal incubators to accomplish the task of creating an heir for Sabrina and son for Helga and Abe.
Sabrina gets her next Abe-number five- who manages, in the offing to off himself in a most awful way. Apparently unable to stand the effort of finding a willing womb and waiting any longer for things to come about Sabrina must opt to steal-Peter-the child of Helga.(Steal by first stealing his affection.)
Fast-forward we find Quicklime (Peter James) at college-his alma mater- doing janitorial work on the grounds. And thus we are introduced into his life of free wheeling care free drugs and alcohol with his room mates and boarders Raymond and Billy.
Quicklime Calcium oxide (CaO), commonly known as quicklime or burnt lime.
Quicklime It is a white, caustic, alkaline crystalline solid at room temperature.
That's the name of our anti-hero. The moniker he has taken for whatever reason. I'm not sure that we're ever really told why, but even so I'm not sure it would matter. This story reads much like all the brass in the house that might consume someones handiwork at keeping polished and yet serve only the purpose of attracting the eye to its glistening shine like sunlight coming over the horizon. There really seems no purpose.
In some ways Quicklime does seem caustic. Such as when he proposes to the driver of the car they bashed; that he'd become a raw vegan if she'd go out with him. It's this incident that leads him to his life as a porn screen play writer. Also it leads to his becoming a semi-Raw vegan.
Quicklime has a tattoo that he variously passes off as something other than what it is. When the reader is finally told what it is its not hard to understand that there's no confidence built into this story for the reader to rely on.
Value for value I went to the wiki-place to find the definition of the mans favorite drink. Caipirinha.
The word caipirinha is the diminutive version of the word caipira, which refers to someone from the countryside, being an almost exact equivalent of the American English hillbilly or the Lowland Scots teuchter. The word may be used as either a masculine or a feminine noun, but when referring to this drink it is only feminine (usage of diminutives is common in Brazil).
In the Brazilian vocabulary, the word caipirinha is mostly associated with the drink itself rather than the class of person.
I suppose it is appropriate that the character who might consider himself to be associated with both of those slurs of low life should have this as his favorite drink. It is helpful that the association of both this and the word lime in quick lime would lead to the revelatory method for cleaning the closed environment of the anti-heroes anti girlfriend. Though it's quite inventive to use a method for cleaning microwave ovens as a means to clean the grime off the domes I'm not sure how well that might work without thoroughly scrubbing everything before it has time to re-seat itself in all of its smear -ish dripping glory.
This whole story the novel is a long series of Analogs stuffed together side by side like rolls of socks or underwear in the dresser in some seeming order just waiting to be plucked out. It's like twisting a tale full of similes and metaphors with a few tongue and cheek mentions to further confound and befuddle the the reader. There are smatterings of pop references that will one day give the feel of some cockeyed inside joke when there are few people left to remember who's pop they reference.
At one point I began reading some of these out-loud to my wife who reads a lot of romance. She responded by reading portions of her current romance novel's analogs and the whole night digressed into a competition, which had us both rolling out of our lazy-boys. I have a lot more respect for those romance novel authors now.
I feel like having been exposed to the writing of someone who travel in a clique of writers who hold dear a certain number of inside jokes that they spread as if they are smatterings of autumn leaves that have been ripened beyond the smell of autumn and perhaps left at deaths door. They have a certain air about them.
There are three pornographic screenplays in this work. I'm sure in some way there could be said that they describe perhaps:
Where Quicklime came from (especially from his own perspective)
Where he was today (why relationships for him manage to suck)
Where things might end (almost with some inevitability.)
This makes these three eventful shorts integral to the plot beyond the fact that they are a main plot point to the entire novel. Which seemed too bad in the long run.
The blatant pornographic nature of the three shorts draws attention to the internal parts of this novel that border on pornography which has been gently imbedded into clever words. There is so much richness and depth to- not only what Andrew Branch has to say but how he says it that I feel its cheapened by the blatant attempt to shock the reader.
I would not recommend this to anyone- meaning that if they choose to read this then it has to be their choice. There is a lot here that might be enjoyed but the talent displayed has been disjointed like an over enthusiastic soccer players knees. And all of that effort to create some knee jerk reaction that may or may not serve a purpose.
I'm still not sure I got the point of the story and that might not be a bad thing.
For those who had to back track and re-read there is an easier way. Read through carefully; there are so many nuances and inferences within the writing its like every character is a palimpsest for the author to write their analog across so that both the face and the overlay come out in the readers mental-eye creating a blurred image that's often more descriptive than the original face might be.
J.L. Dobias
July 15, 2013
Ok, so this book was always going to be a hit or miss with me and unfortunately I think it was a bit of a miss.
I’m not saying it wasn’t a good book and I’m well up for trying things outside of my comfort zone, but me and this book just didn’t get on, the end. I’m really saddened by it as I normally read most things with no issue; however I promised I’d review this book so I will. I don’t want to be unfair and rate it badly as I say, it was very well written but I think a middle ground of 3* is a good point to finish at considering.
Ok so some of the stuff did make me chuckle to myself, for example, describing someone’s moustache as ‘3 Hitler’s long’ was pretty risqué & quite funny. Andrew is obviously a very talented author, he writes using a lot of wit and imagery. I could certainly appreciate this fact.
Some of the writing did fly over my head I must say, but this is just me. I must have read the first page about 4 times while saying to myself ‘am I really reading this correctly?’ It was quite shocking early on. I loved the Sims house idea, it really made me laugh. I think it’s a thought that goes through a lot of people’s minds when creating their perfect home, I used to be a real addict myself.
But anyway, if you’re looking for a bit of humour and a book that doesn’t take itself too seriously, then you will love this, I’m just sorry to say it just wasn’t my cup of tea.
I’m not saying it wasn’t a good book and I’m well up for trying things outside of my comfort zone, but me and this book just didn’t get on, the end. I’m really saddened by it as I normally read most things with no issue; however I promised I’d review this book so I will. I don’t want to be unfair and rate it badly as I say, it was very well written but I think a middle ground of 3* is a good point to finish at considering.
Ok so some of the stuff did make me chuckle to myself, for example, describing someone’s moustache as ‘3 Hitler’s long’ was pretty risqué & quite funny. Andrew is obviously a very talented author, he writes using a lot of wit and imagery. I could certainly appreciate this fact.
Some of the writing did fly over my head I must say, but this is just me. I must have read the first page about 4 times while saying to myself ‘am I really reading this correctly?’ It was quite shocking early on. I loved the Sims house idea, it really made me laugh. I think it’s a thought that goes through a lot of people’s minds when creating their perfect home, I used to be a real addict myself.
But anyway, if you’re looking for a bit of humour and a book that doesn’t take itself too seriously, then you will love this, I’m just sorry to say it just wasn’t my cup of tea.
April 1, 2013
The fun of this book is its entirely carefree attitude toward puns and geeky wordplay; I groaned as often as I laughed, but Dark Chatter is certainly hilarious if hilarity is defined by quantity of jokes attempted. The author and his protagonist are endearingly enthusiastic about words that rhyme (and some that don't), and they eventually prevail upon you with enough one-liners to make you smile.
Quicklime, the main character, is oddly sweet in his desire to share his profound disconnection from reality with the reader and his love interest (Sophie). The book is not exactly menacing, but most of what constitutes its plot and adventures are things I would hope never happen to me or anyone else. I almost feel a sort of karmic insurance that, having read about nipples being bitten by a perverted turtle (a "pervurtle," Branch insists) I will not have to experience it in life. So that's good.
I would recommend this book for anyone who's not sure if graduating from college is for them; it made me consider asking my adviser if I could stay for another few years, because Dark Chatter sure makes the post-BA degree world seem messed up.
Quicklime, the main character, is oddly sweet in his desire to share his profound disconnection from reality with the reader and his love interest (Sophie). The book is not exactly menacing, but most of what constitutes its plot and adventures are things I would hope never happen to me or anyone else. I almost feel a sort of karmic insurance that, having read about nipples being bitten by a perverted turtle (a "pervurtle," Branch insists) I will not have to experience it in life. So that's good.
I would recommend this book for anyone who's not sure if graduating from college is for them; it made me consider asking my adviser if I could stay for another few years, because Dark Chatter sure makes the post-BA degree world seem messed up.
March 12, 2013
I was told about this book from a friend and I’m so glad he did. This is an amazing book full mature dark humorous scenes that are guaranteed to have keeled over laughing at times.
The main character Quicklime Petterson finds himself in a few awkward situations as he plots out what he will do with his life. After getting busted by the cops he gets a proposal to write a script for an adult film.
Without giving too much of the story you follow the misadventures of Quicklime through his world of pornography and daily life. I bet a few of you will wonder what your reading after the first couple chapters are done your will understand it all. You will be glued to the pages, always wanting to see what the next page will bring to our hero.
Overall this was a delightful story with excellent writing and was just a great reading. This book is recommended to any who want to forget your daily life and get lost in a good book.
The main character Quicklime Petterson finds himself in a few awkward situations as he plots out what he will do with his life. After getting busted by the cops he gets a proposal to write a script for an adult film.
Without giving too much of the story you follow the misadventures of Quicklime through his world of pornography and daily life. I bet a few of you will wonder what your reading after the first couple chapters are done your will understand it all. You will be glued to the pages, always wanting to see what the next page will bring to our hero.
Overall this was a delightful story with excellent writing and was just a great reading. This book is recommended to any who want to forget your daily life and get lost in a good book.
March 26, 2013
I’ve seen pictures of Dubai as my brother too just got a job in Dubai but never imagined such architecture as described in “Dark Chatter.” The author’s picture of a double-domed Plexiglas structure where Peter reconnects with Sophie is hilarious to say the least. Doesn’t quite fit the drawings I’d seen of Dubai Marina apartments with 200 towers. Believe me, this novel is a hoot from beginning to end.
April 1, 2013
Dark chatter is not the kind of novel that you find everyday. It's not a fantasy, a thriller or a romance but then it's no ordinary book either. From the birth of the main character Quicklime to him finding his destiny which is writing scripts for adult movies, Dark Chatter is imbued with dark pun and laced with wit
April 18, 2013
This was a fun and quick read for an avid reader such as myself. It is always nice to have a break from all the heavy drama books that I usually read. The author expertly knows how to produce a book that is carefree and fun to read. Recommended
*This book was courtesy of the author and Goodreads First Reads Giveaway*
*This book was courtesy of the author and Goodreads First Reads Giveaway*
June 20, 2014
Synopsis: "Quicklime Petterson is still kicking around campus two years after commencement. But as the post-college daze is petering out, an offer comes in: pen a porn script for the policeman who just busted him, get his charges dropped. With no time to workshop, the erstwhile English major pounds out an introspective, Oedipal flesh-flick entitled "Conceptual Tart." The project attracts a tween star in search of an edgy role, and media frenzy ensues. As the would-be one-off deal threatens to become a vocation, Quicklime attempts to find the honest career he meant to start after college, amidst growing renown as a pornographer."
My Review: This book was sent to me for an honest review, and here it is . . . It was proposed as a comedy but clearly it wasn't my kind of comedy. Not once did I even chuckle and a few times I actually cringed. At first I thought I wasn't in the right reading mood for the book so I set it aside and tried several times over the past year to pick it up. Normally I push through to halfway before giving up on a book but I really couldn't make it that far (I think I got to 42% so close enough). I still couldn't figure out exactly who the characters were, there were three main guys but they were referred to in so many different ways I couldn't keep them straight. Also there was a lot of thesaurus bleeding all over the book, just random word usage that really wasn't necessary. All in all this was clearly not the book from me but according to other reviews other people have really enjoyed it.
My Review: This book was sent to me for an honest review, and here it is . . . It was proposed as a comedy but clearly it wasn't my kind of comedy. Not once did I even chuckle and a few times I actually cringed. At first I thought I wasn't in the right reading mood for the book so I set it aside and tried several times over the past year to pick it up. Normally I push through to halfway before giving up on a book but I really couldn't make it that far (I think I got to 42% so close enough). I still couldn't figure out exactly who the characters were, there were three main guys but they were referred to in so many different ways I couldn't keep them straight. Also there was a lot of thesaurus bleeding all over the book, just random word usage that really wasn't necessary. All in all this was clearly not the book from me but according to other reviews other people have really enjoyed it.
March 15, 2013
Andrew Branch is a gifted author who uses allegory,metaphors, descriptive adjectives and imagery beautifully.
The central character Quicklime Petterson is a "professional student" who isn't ready to face the real world. But that's about to change.
The plot is a bit complicated at times but in a good way. I found once I reread those parts, the story became clearer. There are so many twists and turns.
The writer uses prose to perfection so you are totally immersed in the story and vicariously taking on the life of the characters.
Dark Chatter has it all: a compelling story, great dialogue, humor and sex.
The central character Quicklime Petterson is a "professional student" who isn't ready to face the real world. But that's about to change.
The plot is a bit complicated at times but in a good way. I found once I reread those parts, the story became clearer. There are so many twists and turns.
The writer uses prose to perfection so you are totally immersed in the story and vicariously taking on the life of the characters.
Dark Chatter has it all: a compelling story, great dialogue, humor and sex.
January 26, 2015
'Dark Chatter' is a fresh and different kind of read that will pull you in and keep you there. Quicklime was an interesting character to follow, with much of his life and background that you have to piece together with clues as the story progresses.
Mostly unpredictable, this was a new adult novel with a thought-provoking and unique edge to it. Andrew Branch combines screenplays, and complex characters into an entertaining, witty, and memorable story. His writing style is full of imagery and humour that will keep you hooked.
I look forward to reading more from this author in the future!
Mostly unpredictable, this was a new adult novel with a thought-provoking and unique edge to it. Andrew Branch combines screenplays, and complex characters into an entertaining, witty, and memorable story. His writing style is full of imagery and humour that will keep you hooked.
I look forward to reading more from this author in the future!
June 2, 2013
Literary dessert, in that virtually every sentence is wittily crafted in to something that contains as many fancy writing terms as possible (alliteration, double or triple entendre, rhymes, puns, subtext, context, all the others that a BA would learn in a college program). While I couldn't follow 100% of all the references, or even picture all of the scenes perfectly, I found myself laughing audibly many times, especially at newly-penned words ("purvurtle" included).
Get out your dictionary, thesaurus, and all your trivia skills- you're in for a wild ride.
Get out your dictionary, thesaurus, and all your trivia skills- you're in for a wild ride.
March 20, 2013
The book stands true to its name- Dark chatter. The novel is filled with dark and adult humor that is sure to tickle your funny bones. I found it a little bit difficult to understand the plot at first but then it dawned on me. If you are the kind of person who does not mind a bit of adult entertainment you will love the story of Quicklime whose inception too was nothing short of humorous.
July 16, 2013
Reminiscent of "Confederacy of Dunces," "Dark Chatter" is full of eccentric characters, witty wordplay & an imaginative, rollicking plot. There's not a single cliche between the covers; I enjoyed every paragraph of this book. Well done!
March 16, 2013
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Dark Chatter. A wonderfully surreal ride from waning college daze to a dream/nightmare in Dubai. Keeping up with the puns and allusions kept me on my toes!
April 21, 2016
Got this book from a Goodreads Giveaway...a story full of interesting characters ...especially Quicklime. I loved reading about his odd yet awesome experiences ...
July 17, 2013
I will usually give a book 100-pages before I determine if it's worth continuing with, but 28-pages in, I've determined I hate this book. Next!
quirky-odd-weird-fiction
September 23, 2013This just HAD to go on my Read list. How could I not read a story about a dude named Quicklime! WTF??!
February 5, 2014
It was pretty good, but boring a little sometimes. I liked it though.
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews