Μεγαλώστε το παιδί σας με το μυαλό και την καρδιά: Πώς να σταματήσετε να εστιάζετε στη συμπεριφορά, ώστε να μεγαλώσετε χαρούμενα και ψυχικά ανθεκτικά παιδιά

by Mona Delahooke, Σοφία Ανδρεοπούλου (Translator)

Επί σειρά ετών η κλινική ψυχολόγος Mona Delahooke συμβουλεύει γονείς που δυσκολεύονται να διαχειριστούν τη συμπεριφορά των παιδιών τους.
Οι οικογένειες αυτές εύλογα εστιάζουν στο να διορθώσουν τα συναισθηματικά ξεσπάσματα, τις κρίσεις οργής και άλλες «ανεξέλεγκτες» συμπεριφορές των παιδιών.
Αυτό που χρειάζεται όμως, όπως εξηγεί η συγγραφέας, είναι να αλλάξουν οπτική.

Η συμπεριφορά, όσο δύσκολη κι αν είναι, δεν είναι το πρόβλημα αλλά το σύμπτωμα – ένα στοιχείο που δείχνει τι συμβαίνει στη μοναδική φυσιολογία του παιδιού.
Το βιβλίο αυτό δείχνει μια νέα προσέγγιση στην ανατροφή των παιδιών με βάση την κλινική εμπειρία της συγγραφέως και τις πιο πρόσφατες έρευνες στη νευροεπιστήμη και στην παιδοψυχολογία.
Αντί για μια προσέγγιση της συμπεριφοράς που εστιάζει στον εγκέφαλο, προτείνει μια προσέγγιση που λαμβάνει υπόψη τον ρόλο ολόκληρου του νευρικού συστήματος, το οποίο δημιουργεί τα συναισθήματα και οδηγεί τη συμπεριφορά των παιδιών.

Όταν οι γονείς αλλάζουν τρόπο διαπαιδαγώγησης και λαμβάνουν υπόψη την ισορροπία σώματος-εγκεφάλου, επιτυγχάνουν μια βαθύτερη κατανόηση του παιδιού τους, πιο ήρεμη συμπεριφορά, πιο αρμονική δυναμική μέσα στην οικογένεια και ισορροπημένα, ευτυχισμένα παιδιά.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Self Help, Family, Audiobook

448 pages, Paperback

First published March 15, 2022

Reviews

[Adam Shields · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: A clinical psychologist discussed how our bodies and brains relate to one another (in an integrated way) and how that applies to helping children develop and mature.

I have sat with Brain-Body Parenting for over a week, trying to put my thoughts into words. My short review is that it is one of the best books I have read on parenting, and it is written with a tone of grace and encouragement. The chapter on self-care as a parent is excellent, and the ideas should be in most parenting books. And the broader message of the book that parenting is in large part helping children learn to regulate their emotions and responses, not to repress emotions or feelings but to express them well and appropriately is a great message. And naturally, if we as adults are going to help children regulate themselves, we need to work to address our own dysregulation. This is the central message of Raising White Kids and many other parenting or spiritual formation books.

All of that is good, but I still had a reaction to the book that was not entirely positive. I remember reading The Whole-Brain Child nearly a decade ago and being overwhelmed with how much work it felt like it was always to be taking into account everything all the time. NYT's article titled Welcome to the Era of Very Earnest Parenting a few days ago captures a part of my concern. The article takes seriously how seriously many Millennials are taking parenting. They want to get it right, in part because they think that their parents did not get it right. They felt misunderstood and wanted to understand their children.

But I am not a millennial. I am solidly Gen-X, even if my kids are still young. And I am concerned about the era of very earnest parenting, even if I support both the goals and the methods. There is nothing in Brain-Body parenting that I significantly object to. Taking children's developmental stages into account is essential. Helping them to name and regulate their emotions is important. Helping children process emotions properly to internalize change is better than fear-based punishment. All of that I want to support.

But as much as I am supportive and want to incorporate all of these things into my parenting and my dealing with others (children or adults), there is still a nagging sense that we have fallen into a technocratic ditch. Jacques Ellul raised concern about how modern society relies on technique or technology to solve problems. The goal of problems being solved is good. But the use of technique and technology to solve every problem and become ever more efficient and autonomous can make us less human. Ellul was concerned that instead of humans using tools to adapt the world around us to humanity, the tools would instead shape us to their ends. There is some anthropomorphizing there, but we can see it happening if we look at our smartphones. We are literally changing our bodies in response to our desire to use them as a tool.

Part of why this is coming up is my work in spiritual direction and formation. I believe in spiritual disciplines and the use of them to grow closer to God. We should be working internally on being formed to be like Christ. I think rightly done, "Spiritual formation is a process of being formed in the image of Christ for the sake of others."

But at the same time, we often do not rightly do spiritual formation. Instead, we fall into the dangers of spiritual formation and attempt to manipulate God into blessing us in the ways we want to be blessed. We can use spiritual formation as a type of magic or enchantment to make God do our bidding instead of being formed to be more like Christ.

Our push toward being more efficient and "good at" everything can have the unintended result of making us less human when what it should do is make us more like Christ, the model of humanity.

I want to affirm again, this is an excellent book on parenting. I want to become a better parent because I want to help my children be better people. But I want to do it in the right way that doesn't make them into less human people. Humanity, by its very nature, is a limiting reality. There are no perfect people because humans are limited. James KA Smith's book The Fall of Interpretation helped affirm that while we are limited by sin, our limitation is a part of our created reality, not just a part of our fallen reality. If there were no sin in the world, we still would be limited. That means that if there were no sin in the world, we still would not have the capacity to be perfect parents because we cannot be all things to all people at all times. We have limitations.

I really want to help raise "joyful, resilient kids." But in doing that and doing my best, I also need to accept that I will never be perfect at it. And that message really does come through in Mona Delahooke's writing. She writes with so much grace toward parents that are trying their best. But even as she writes on the page that you can only do what you can do as imperfect people, we have to actually internalize that part of the message, not just the "you can do better" part.

I originally posted this on my blog at https://bookwi.se/brain-body-parenting/

[Reuben · Rating 5 out of 5]

Living in a home with multiple neuro-divergent kiddos, Brain-Body Parenting has already paid some immediate dividends for me. As my boys struggle to develop and manage executive functioning skills and sensory overstimulations on a daily basis, the skills I’ve taken from this book have helped me be more attentive and recognize so much of their behavior comes from emotional responses to their body’s stimulus and less from outright conscious defiance. While this sounds like a bit of a “duh” statement, in the throes of another meltdown or sensory overloaded session, it is a great reminder of what works and where feelings are truly coming from.

I appreciated the focus on the science behind why our children’s bodies react the way they do. Essentially identifying top-down brain responses versus bottom-up body stimulus responses and the interplay between the two.

Divided into two halves, the book focuses on the concept of Brain-Body parenting, and then the application of it. Special focus is made on how this relates to young children (newborn to elementary age) but the skills can translate to peer to peer relationships amongst adults.

Many of the skills in this book will be familiar to parents of neuro-divergent children (you just develop a lot of these through trial and error), but their value comes from their universality and ability to strengthen relationships while promoting parental empathy.

In Brain-Body Parenting, Dr. Delahooke has created a space for compassionate, judgement free recognition of each person’s “body budget” while still advocating for each child to explore life challenges in a “just right” context. Her approach promotes co-regulation, positive growth, compassionate self-assessment, and an encouragement to be bold in building stronger relationships and healthier, constructive memories. I look forward to reading more of her work.

[Satrina Beyond the Leaderboard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a fantastic and important book.
If you’re “doing the work” - breaking cycles, healing shame, healing trauma - this is such a great resource. My kids are teenagers and I still found the information helpful, relevant, and immediately useful.

[Julia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay so there were definitely some good nuggets in here and I liked the overall concept - you need to parent based on your own kid and what your kids body is telling you. But I had SUCH a hard time reading this book. I picked it up and put it down at least ten times. The first part of the book was unnecessarily complex and wordy.

I also felt like the author didn’t actually explain how she specifically helped the children she used as examples throughout the book. Sometimes there was detail but most of the time she just stated “and then I worked with him and his parents to understand his body and help regulate him on to a different pathway.”

I did like the sections on parental self-care and utilizing play as a resource.

[Joey C · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pg 67- When our safety system detects too much challenge or threat, we instinctively and automatically move from the calm pathway to the more protective pathway. …a biobehavioral reaction stirs us to protect ourselves from detected threat by taking action. (argumentative, angry, hostile, noncompliant, defiant, hyperactive, tantrum…)

Pg 69- The red pathway is the pathway of “mobilization” that helps humans escape dangerous situations…by either fighting or moving – quickly. (Fight or flight). This takes over when the safety-detection system sends a signal that we need to overcome a threat. Whether it’s triggered depends on the individual’s unique reaction, so there may be times the child might experience a fight-or-flight behavior even when they are objectively safe. …Our marker for knowing how to support a child isn’t necessarily our objective assessment of a situation, but how the child’s body is reacting to it, and the toll it’s exacting on the child’s body budget.

Pg 70- Instead of viewing red-pathway behaviors as “bad,” we can see them as signaling vulnerability in children, helping children to protect themselves through instinctive rather than willful or rude behaviors.. These are self-preserving body-up behaviors…When a child “goes red,” we need to adjust our parenting techniques; in the red, children can’t think and function well because they are highly agitated. Punishing is counterproductive; the child is not receptive but defensive. A child in the red pathway is expending the resources of their body budget at a high rate. This pathway is costly and serves a purpose. But that purpose is not (as those who focus on behavior management assume) to get out of something or get something. It’s staying safe – and surviving. Punishments will only send the child deeper into the red. …sometimes a child registers a reasonable request – like stopping an activity to come to dinner – as a threat. …we can’t reach them through talking and logic.

Pt 75- A child who looks quiet or frozen on the outside might be activated on the inside, with an increased heart rate and other characteristics of the red pathway working internally. …they may appear to be “good” students, but inside they are quite activated and unsettled, and as such have vulnerable platforms even if they appear to be fine. Such children might only display disruptive behaviors at home…

Pg 87- Check-in: 1: identify red/green/blue pathway, 2: identify stressor or cue, 3: practice attunement, to recognize what the child’s nervous system needs to feel safer, and to build a more solid platform. Nothing does that as effectively as a caring adult who can stay calm through a child’ emotional storms.

Pg 97- ability to self-regulate: The most important tool would be co-regulation. In short, we help our children learn to manage their emotions and behaviors through our loving interactions with them. Co-regulation is the “superfood” that nourishes children’s growing capacity to self-regulate. It helps them feel safe.

Pg 103- mismatches in co-regulation occur. When we allow our children to see that there is an alternative explanation for what we said, they are less likely to absorb a negative message they tell themselves. Children can grow from the reparative process, as they learn from watching your self-awareness and emotional flexibility.

Pg 110- When we co-regulate or share connection with our children, the experiences form memories of feeling safe with another, and our children grow up expecting that others will meet their needs. Our nervous system remembers the safety of those experiences.

Pg 116- LOVE acronym (Look, Observe, Validate, Experience): Look at your child with “soft” eyes, widen our field of vision—literally and figuratively, which helps us have an open mind, free of judgment. …helps you move toward respecting what your child’s behaviors are telling you in this moment, and we communicate a message of acceptance, warmth, and affection. Validate: A very powerful form of validation is to simply bear witness to your child’s struggles without automatically trying to solve them. Sometimes, that is enough, and the simple act of presence without judgment is enough.

Pg 127- negativity bias: the brain prioritizes negative experiences over positive ones. It is an adaptive response. Over time, this bias can lay the groundwork for behavior patterns that don’t always benefit us. Bad experiences stick to us like Velcro and good ones slide off like Teflon. Therefore, be more compassionate toward ourselves.

Ps 138- Self-observation can help you figure out what you need to fill up your tank and strengthen your nervous system for the herculean job of parenting. Self-focus and self-care are not selfish.

Pg 146- Emotional granularity: the ability to link basic body feelings to a wider number of emotion words. Instead of just “bad,” maybe anxious, angry, jealous…. If you feel triggered by your child, you might want to stop and observe, without judgment. You may be triggered by a past memory or experience that you’re not aware of…

Pg 153- The most important tool in our parenting toolbox is our own emotional and physical well-being. That that doesn’t me we have to be perfect; the key is developing the awareness to identify your needs, finding self-care strategies that work for you, and having compassion for yourself as you do so.

Pg 158- Homeostasis…it’s worth noting that we have far more fibers that go from the body to the brain, with some 80 percent of the fibers carrying signals to the brain and only 20 percent carrying signals back from the brain to the body. Yet we often overlook that it’s the information flowing to the brain from the children’s bodies that influences how they feel and what they do. Pay heed to these body-up signals to help better understand your child’s unique physiology. …Our culture hasn’t widely recognized the bidirectional influence between children’s brains and bodies.

Pg 159- Sensory experiences drive our behavior and contribute to the organization of our thoughts and emotions. –Dr. Porges

Pg 162- Interoception: Children with better awareness of bodily sensations also have better self-regulation. Helping children (and adults) observe and make sense of their bodily sensations is one of the best ways to support self-regulation. …How comfortable is your child with identifying and naming basic sensations coming from within their body? Does your child have a pattern of negative reactions to internal sensations? Do you notice distress…when your child may be constipated, thirsty, or hungry? If a child can notice sensations, especially unpleasant ones, and talk about them, they’re on the way to gaining self-regulation. You can model it for your child by naming your own bodily sensations and how you experience them. Whatever sensations they feel, it’s okay; these are clues to what’s happening in their bodies and what they can do to feel better.

Pg 181- Children can get a lot of vestibular (as well as visual and proprioceptive input) when they jump on a trampoline.

Pg 183- Some children with sensory craving benefit from occupational therapy because it takes some trial and error – and titration that occupational therapists are trained in—to help them integrate vestibular sensations with their other sensory systems.

Pg 256- Pretend play: Go with it. Stay in character and not break the spell of play. Go with the child’s flow. While we’re playing, we sanctify the pretend without asking our child to move outside the play. There will be time for specific questions later. As you play together, follow the child and expand only as much as necessary to keep the back-and-forth going. The child will work on the themes that they need to for their own development. That’s what makes play so powerful. Children play out what they’re working on.

Pg 257- The magic of play: Children can experiment with concepts, ideas, and emotions outside of “real” life, but in a simulation of their own making. The power of that simulation can’t be underestimated.

Pg 259- We call play a neural, or brain, exercise because it’s a chance for children to process different sensations, feelings, and ideas under conditions of safety.

Pg 264- An emotion is your brain’s creation of what your bodily sensations mean, in relation to what’s going on around you in the world.

Pg 265- The first way to help children develop awareness of bodily sensations is simply to slow down and be mindful together. …just examining cloud formations…

Pg 271- Helping Children Appreciate Their Body’s Signals, Script: The feelings and moods that come from inside our body are our body’s way of protecting us and helping us stay healthy and balanced. (Insert examples of stressful and calming situations).
Our bodies can feel different ways and they are all useful and important. Let’s think about three main ways our bodies and minds can feel. Sometimes our bodies feel calm, and when we do, we also feel happy, cozy, and safe. When we feel this way, we often want to play and do fun stuff with others. Can you give an example of a time when you felt this way? What were you doing? Can you think of a word that describes your body and mind when you fell calm, cozy, and safe?
Now let’s talk about another way humans can feel. Sometimes we feel wiggly, mad, scared, angry, or like we want to run or move—fast. When we feel this way, we might do unexpected things we later feel bad about, such as hitting or shoving, or saying something mean. We might say or do something that surprises us. Can you think of a word that describes your body and mind when you feel wiggly, angry, or like you want to get away from something or someone?
There’s another way humans can feel. Sometimes we feel sad, lonely, or slowed down. This is when our body doesn’t want to move very much, and we’re not interested in doing things with our friends and family, not even fun things. Sometimes we can even feel “frozen,” like our body can’t move much. Can you think of a time when you felt this way? Can you think of a word that describes your body and mind when you feel slow, low, or like you don’t want to play or be around others?

Pg 275- Reasoning and Problem-Solving: After she learned to identify how her platform shifts (firecracker=red, picnic=green, snail=blue), we could help her refine her problem-solving abilities. Resonate: Engage with the child emotionally by doing something that lets them know we see their struggle, validates their reality, and gives them the opportunity to respond thoughtfully rather then become defensive. Respond by noticing the problem/issue you observed and giving the child the opportunity to come up with multiple possible solutions to the problems they are trying to solve in order to add more flexibility to their thinking and more tools to their tool chest. Next encourage the child to describe their experience of what happened, extending empathy… “What was that like for you?” “What did that feel like inside your body?” If the child uses a word/drawing to describe the feeling or mood – that is, they’ve named an emotion—you’ve hit pay dirt. If they’re struggling, you might gently help them come up with a word. Next, we invite the child to actively problem solve for the future by reflecting on a question. Say something like, “I wonder what you can do next time.” “Do you have any other ideas about what might help this situation?” Children are much more likely to implement a solution that they create for themselves.
At one session, we encouraged Mira to come up with solutions for herself [regarding a specific trigger]. Now that she had a way of self-regulating her emotions through the power of her own observation and the tools she created, she needed something to do for herself to regulate her emotions and feelings when she had one of her “red” or “blue” experiences. …engage with children to become collaborators in figuring out how to solve problems together. Simply asking a child to become the problem solver and seeing their view of a problem can yield great benefits.

Pg 275- Remember that sometimes when we label emotions for children, it can make them feel defensive or more agitated, so tread lightly.

Pg 282- It makes sense that so many memories were about significant relationship and activities that were safe, affirming, sensory, cozy, novel, or exciting. We know that when we’re supported by social connection, we take in information most effectively. In that mode, our bodies are most receptive to new experiences, so our memory hold on to moments in which we experience some degree of novelty. Nobody’s favorite childhood memory was getting dressed and going to school every day.

Pg 286- To help our children flourish, we can plan less, relax more, and recognize that we don’t need to work so hard at parenting.

[Megan Belisle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best, most helpful parenting book I've ever read. Highly recommend every parent and caretaker read this!

[Maja · Rating 3 out of 5]

byłam zmuszona przeczytać to na studia więc podchodziłam do tego z niechęcią, ale to było naprawdę przyjemne do czytania i ciekawe, aż jestem w szokuXD
3.5⭐️

[Guerry Sisters · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brain-Body Parenting

Rating: 4 star
Genre: Nonfiction/Parenting

If you enjoy parenting books, I would recommend this one! I really loved the science behind this book. I would compare it more to nervous system regulation and a bottom up approach. This book focuses on our nervous system and how that effects behavior. To me, this makes a lot of sense with kids. I would have loved to have read this book when my children were babies!

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came to this book already onboard with respectful parenting and familiar with Delahooke's work. And, in that way, this book wasn't meant for me. Written conversationally, in a tone and manner that clearly comes out of years of practice as a therapist, the book often felt like it was meant more for those unfamiliar with the idea of "behavior as communication". That's not bad, the more people that can get on board with that truth, the better. But it did mean that the book sometimes felt vague or basic in places I wished it was more meaty. Similarly, I think because the author was aiming for a relatable, conversational tone, weirdly incongruent platitudes would slip in--she understands how frustrating and overwhelming new parenthood can be but...sleep when the baby sleeps? Um, what?

All that said, the information in the book is great, and rooted in real life examples, research, and practice. An entire chapter is dedicated to parents needing to take care of themselves and how we can't co-regulate if we aren't regulated, and sensory overwhelm of parenting, and I cheered because that is so often ignored in parenting books.

This is a good place to start for those new to these concepts, and it has some useful points for those looking to expand their knowledge, though those already deeply familiar with the concepts may find other books more useful.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was fine and there are some things that could be useful. One thing to consider is that there is no such thing as a "no-shame zone" and if you have to say that there is one in your book, then you may be stating things that are causing people to feel shame. Rather than creating make-believe no-shame zones, it would be helpful to point out how forms of systemic oppression, intergerational trauma and the grind culture of late stage capitalism keep many of us always in the red zone. Not addressing external forces that keep folks stuck makes the shame-zone thrive. Which is a shame, because every child should have adults in their life with the resources they need to create a green zone childhood.

[Elise Reding · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books I believe all parents should read. Reframes how to view behaviors so you are really getting at the why underneath. Using the techniques in the book will ultimately give you a close connection with your child and a true understanding of the way their individual body views this world and responds.

[Rodger · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reasons for few stars:
1. Typo. Page 131. "... Finally the stress compounded because the couple began to disagree about how to handle Tyrone's emerging and uncharacteristic defiant behaviors, like refusing to put his toys away..." Incorrect name. Tyrone is the father in this story; Jaheem is the son, who likely refused to put his toys away.

2. On page 225, the author makes a blanket statement that the US is racist. "It's also worth noting that Jordan is Black, making him far more likely to be targeted for punishment for his behavior problems than his white counterparts due to the implicit bias and racism that plagues the educational system in the United States." Incidentally, this character's adopted parents are two gay men, and the author didn't note any discrimination about that.

3. The use of "they/them/their" as singular pronouns throughout the book got to me so I did some searching. To my dismay, it's now considered correct grammar. Perhaps I shouldn't hold it against the book, but I still find it tacky. Apparently, there's an organization called the American Dialect Society, who voted in 2015 to make the words they/them/their into gender neutral third person singular pronouns (as well as plural) and to legitimize a new word into the English language 'themself'. Merriam Webster followed suit in 2019.

4. At least 1 instance of 'h' word referring to what kids raise, which seems derogatory.

5. It's not formatted well for reference after reading it. Isn't the point of a parenting book for self help? It doesn't get to the point concisely. There are several good ideas in this book, but once you finish reading, they're not highlighted. Each chapter has a little tip at the end that reviews something from that chapter, but it's not a summary and you really have to reread to recall the helpful parts.

Here are concepts worthy of note:

1. As the title of the book implies, the brain and body are interrelated. The relationship is that one's receptivity and emotions are influenced by the physiological state of the body.

2. The body has a budget for stress. Page 43 "Stress that is predictable, moderate, and controlled leads to resilience ... Tolerable and predictable stress is what helps children grow and develop new strengths. But when stress is unpredictable, severe, and prolonged, it threatens resilience, and children or adults begin to suffer the consequences of the chronic activation of the stress response."

3. There are three main pathways that affect how receptive a child is, described as three colors. Green is the only good path. To me, this is the same concept as teaching in church, which is that if you receive not the spirit, you shall not teach. I've learned that when the Holy Ghost is not present, it's pointless to teach anything spiritual; the aim is to invite the spirit through hymn, prayer,... So, this is the same concept. If you're not in green, your job is too get back to green. Green is good.

Red is when the body detects too much challenge or threat. It triggers the fight or flight response. When it occurs, kids are angry, defiant, argumentative, having tantrums, hyperactive, narrow focused, scattered attention, constantly in motion, irregular breathing, loud, not receptive to reasoning or requests.

Blue is overwhelmed, withdrawn, not wanting to connect, sad, blank, distant, disengaged, slow, wandering aimlessly, checked out, little curiosity, immobilized, not seeking contact with others, expressionless.

4. Most of the book is about solutions, but it didn't seem new. One main idea is to 'co-regulate', which is to help a kid learn how they're supposed to react to emotions.

5. My favorite chapter of the book is Chapter 6. In addition to the five commonly known senses, there are three internal senses. Although I'd heard that, this book does a very good job explaining these. Here are those three:

Page 162 "...Interoception refers to sensations that provide information about the internal state of the body. Interoceptors located near and in our internal organs automatically send important information to the brain to help our body stay in balance and regulate our body budget. When we notice feelings from our insides, that interoceptive awareness triggers conscious reactions such as hunger, thirst, twinges, pain, or feeling 'butterflies' in the stomach".

The proprioceptive system tells the brain about positions. Page 177 "... it tells us where our various body parts are: standing or sitting, bending or reaching... to sense how to close the buttons without necessarily needing to look. Children with difficulties in proprioception sometimes have poor penmanship because they feel only weak feedback regarding how much pressure to place on the pencil or pen..."

Page 181 "Sensors in the inner ear send the brain information about the position of the head and entire body in relation to gravity... For example, many toddlers have difficulty tolerating long drives in car seats. When a child sits in a car seat, so many different senses are involved..."

6. The main point of the chapter on school age kids is to have them play. Page 259 "We call play a neural, or brain, exercise because it's a chance for children to process different sensations, feelings, and ideas under conditions of safety."

[Becca · Rating 5 out of 5]

File this under the “every human being needs to read this” pile.

[Heath · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very similar to the work of Daniel J. Siegel, yet not without its own unique perspective. This is a great book for those seeking to better understand what is happening for their children on a somatic level and how that informs our parenting. As with Siegel, the aim here is to let our knowledge of our child be the most important thing in determining what is needed for parenting in any given moment.

[Jordan Barger · Rating 5 out of 5]

My biggest issues were that I wish she delved more into how racism and economic status can impact kids growing up, especially regarding their body budget, and I also wish that she talked about kids of high school age because that’s the age of kids I work with. With that all being said, it was a really informative book and helpful regardless.

[Esther Dushinsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Audiobook

[Emma-Leigh · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75⭐️
I appreciate that this parenting book has a large section that focuses on the parent and their state of mind. I think it is definitely worth the read even if I didn’t come away from it feeling like I had tons of new things to try—because there were a few things that I resonated with.

[Hailey Leavitt · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a little woo-woo in a couple of places but overall really good and really helpful. I will be recommending this to other parents and I will refer to it often.

[Talisa Rafferty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful

[realSassyCass · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great information but incredibly repetitive so it was really hard to get through. I will say the second half was better than the first and the perspective presented was worth the effort.

[Kari Heggen (checkedoutbooks) · Rating 3 out of 5]

The concepts in this book seemed solid but I really struggled with the implementation of them. She gave a lot of examples but many of them were in a clinical setting that didn't translate to every day life. Overall after reading this whole thing I'm not sure I could really tell you anything concrete I learned other than many of kids behaviors stem from their bodies reactions to stimuli but how to help them resolve said behaviors was lost in translation for me

[Aaron Xue · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like this book is informative don’t get me wrong, I learned about the red/blue/green pathway model and a different way of thinking about child behavior, but I absolutely despise the case studies and wrap-it-up resolutions: family X had trouble with kid, were fed up, they go to Delahooke and she prescribed therapy, voila. Everything is too theoretical and written like she needs to cover her bases instead of dispense practical advice

[Cass · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have already read Delahooke’s Beyond Behaviors, some of this will be repeat information, presented differently. But/and, even so, I got a lot from the last quarter of the book in particular and think it’s worthwhile. (If you read this and haven’t read Beyond Behaviors, read Beyond Behaviors!)

[Amy Cebelak · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a better parent and person for reading this book. It took me forever to read, and that’s because I needed to read it slowly to really take it all in. Highly recommend for anyone with toddlers through elementary age kids.

[Laura C · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a struggle to get through and I didn’t get much out of it. A lot of medical talk. I felt the book could have been summarised. I have read another book by this author and I had a similar experience with it. I won’t be buying any more books by this author.

[Marieta Decker · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this book wordy and repetitive. The author shares some useful knowledge but in an ineffective way. My mind struggled to focus on the topics because of the wordy nature of each section.

[FJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is probably the best parenting book I’ve read in a while. The author wrote it with wisdom (derived from newest research) and compassion, and it actually felt very empowering to me as a parent.

She defines emotion as our brain’s creation of what our bodily sensations mean, in relation to what’s going on around us in the world. And then describes how our body’s “alarm system” works, and what happens when this alarm is overactive or underactive (our perception of the environment doesn’t match what’s actually happening). And then she explains that our alarm system is a very smart machine that helps us function in our everyday life. What we parents see as challenging behaviors in our children are usually the result of their immature nerve system and our biggest job is to observe and help them regulate their emotions. One of the biggest challenge is to take a look at our own ability to regulate. So self-care and self-compassion is very important in effective parenting. We can’t really teach/model our children a skill we ourselves still struggle with too often.

There are a lot of good examples and illustrations in the book (the way she describes what parents could practice to help children really matches the way she teaches and guides the readers, full of understanding of nuances and encouragement)

As a result, my take away from this book is that if I can practice to learn to observe myself and learn to regulate well facing life’s ups and downs, I really can trust mostly my own judgment, intuition and wisdom gained from knowing my child well, rather than relying on the what-to-dos from parenting experts out there, who really don’t know much about my specific child. It’s about the growth of parents affecting how we parent our children.

The only problem I have with this book is that it might be good only for people with mostly stable life situations (who could eventually be in green zones after some inner work and growth). For those who really lack a supportive network so hence in red zone most of the time, I don’t see this book as very relevant. But how to get those parents some social support is probably another topic.

[Aneseh E · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick read, Brain-Body Parenting simplifies much of the current research on neurological processing done by both children and their parents and gives us a basic idea of what we should analyze about our child when encountering negative behaviors from them.

Dr. Delahooke provides us with a color-coded pathway system indicating the "platform" in which a person is in - whether they are experiencing “fight-or-flight” response or not - and possible ways to respond. One helpful topic throughout the book is recognizing our neurological status as adults and considering our overall well-being. It successfully persuades us to slow down and reflect on our own emotions before immediately reacting to our children’s behavioral challenges while also telling us how to gently draw the real issues out of our child so that they can be solved appropriately. I particularly enjoyed her humble admission of her own challenges throughout her parenting experience and found her childhood stories to be very relatable.

I want to respond to another reviewer’s concern about “earnest parenting”. As a Millenial, I am a admittedly a sucker for this. Many of us grew up with parents who were very lax in their parenting due to working/information constraints, or and they simply did not know what kinds of problems were coming in our adulthood. I do not believe that the methods in this book prescribe to any kind of gentle parenting, coddling, over-parenting, or otherwise. I agree with the reviewer’s points, but it makes us feel a little better for trying.

Another Note: The book only addresses these challenges through the elementary level, so those looking for information on adolescents will need to look elsewhere.

[Toshkis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Knygos aprašymas skelbia,kad autorė pristato novatorišką požiūrį į vaikų auklėjimą. Kažkaip suabejojau šiuo pasakymu, nes tokia tematika knygos retai kardinaliai skiriasi viena nuo kitos. Netikėdama užrašu pasitikrinau išleidimo metus, 2023..na ok galvoju, yra šansas,kad bus kažkas negirdėto. Perskaičiusi knygą,negaliu pasakyti,kad tai novatyvus požiūris į auklėjimą, kaip ir kitos knygos ši pabrėžia santykių svarbą, atjautą ir santykius grįstus meile. Tik kas asmeniškai man buvo nauja, visa knyga sukasi aplink ,, platformą ", kitaip tariant sveikas balansas tas proto ir kūno, tai pirmoji knyga, kuri man pateko į rankas,kuri taip giliai nagrinėja elgesio priežastis per kūno ir smegenų reakcijas. Tas patiko, bet..kaip visada atsiranda bet ir jau prarandu viltį,kad surasiu knygą apie vaikų auklėjimą/psichologiją,kuri pilnai atitiktų mano poreikį. O atrodo noriu visai nedaug. Atsakant į klausimus pateikti praktinius pavyzdžius,kurie siektų ne tik pirmo veiksmo aprašymą,bet ir sekantį,atsakant į klausimą o kas jei nesuveiks? Kaip galima kitaip? Šioje knygoje man to irgi labai pritrūko. Autorė pateikia teoriją, pateikia gyvenimiška pavyzdį iš praktikos ir lyg ir viskas ok, bet taip norėjosi pamatyti kaip ta teorija pavirsta realiais tėvų veiksmais ir kas po to sekė, o ne gauti paprastą - tėvai pritaikė tą ir tuo išsprendė bėdą. Bendrai paėmus knyga gera, bet galimai dėl to, kad neturėjau galimybės perskaityti jos keliais prisėdimais, bet teko skaitymą ištempti, įpusėjus skaitėsi gan nuobodžiai, o kai kur informacija tiesiog neužsilaikydavo galvoje, bet čia jau labiau mano bėda negu knygos.

[Rebecca Parks · Rating 5 out of 5]

For my clients who are parents trying to figure out what to do with their child’s difficult behaviors, this book is my number one recommendation. Actually, this book is my number one recommendation for all parents and caregivers, whether you’re new at it or you consider yourself a pro!

Dr. Delahooke seamlessly integrates the newest developments in neuroscience to help parents understand, in easily digestible language and stories, how to best support their child’s emotional, physical, and mental worlds. This book shows us that children are not just a set of bad behaviors. They are a body; a body that directly impacts how these behaviors come to be.

Knowing more about the body and its connection to the brain allows parents to support their child through difficult moments, rather than just punishing the bad behaviors and hoping for them to change. This information leads to true change and true connection with our children, while facilitating regulation skills that will stay with them long after they leave the nest.

The science given in this book can be heady at times, so I encourage pacing through it and giving yourself permission to stop and process along the way. When we know more, we can do better! And our kiddos need us to do the best we can! So, as you take in all this nerdy developmental lingo, douse yourself in self-compassion (knowing there’s no such thing as a perfect parent!) and do your best. At the end of the day, connection and nurture are all our kiddos need!