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No Matter What: An Adoptive Family's Story of Hope, Love and Healing
'I love you, no matter what.' This book tells the uplifting true story of an ordinary couple who build an extraordinary family - describing Sally and Rob Donovan's journey from a diagnosis of infertility to their decision to adopt two children who suffered abuse in their early life. Writing with incisive wit and honesty, Sally Donovan movingly describes the difficulties of living with infertility when friends and family have no idea, and the emotional process of arriving at a decision to adopt. She recounts the bewildering logistics of adoption and, after finally Sally and Rob are joyfully matched with siblings Jaymee and Harlee, how their joy is followed by shock as they discover disturbing details of their children's past. Determined to heal their children, Sally and Rob realise they will need to go 'beyond parenting' to give them with the help they need. By turns heart-rending, inspiring and hilarious, Sally and Rob's story offers a rare insight into the world of adoptive parents and just what it takes to bring love to the lives of traumatised children.
352 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2013
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821 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
June 29, 2014
This is a book for anyone thinking of adopting, especially from foster care or internationally. I wish this had been on the recommended reading lists when we took our trip down this road, because Sally's feelings mirrored many of my own, and infertility/adoption is often a very lonely and isolating process.
No Matter What not harrowing, or overly optimistic - many books about adoption tend to lean more towards one or the other - because it is the truth, which means at times it's both. There's no agenda here, to push you towards or away from private/public/foster care/international adoptions, just the very well-written, soul-bearing honest experience of one woman and her husband.
Women - and probably men too - with fertility problems will understand Sally's bleak humor, and the pain of enduring social events. People who have traveled down the road to adoption will also understand the feeling that your entire life is on hold until the next [doctor's appointment/test/social worker visit/training session/paperwork deadline], while your friends and families are getting pregnant, giving birth, getting pregnant again...
There's a brutal realization that at some point you'll check boxes saying you'll accept a child with X but not with Y, and you'll lie awake at night wondering if you were too picky or not honest enough, whether you'll be able to handle it, and at the same time mourning all the children you've now excluded and deemed unacceptable.
And even when the children and adoptive parents are matched, there's no easy gradual transition or notice period as there is with pregnancy. One week you're childless, the next you're not, and somehow you have to let friends and family know, make arrangements for leave from work, get everything you think you'll need (but not too much, because you want to let your child develop his or her own personality) ... Instant parenthood is tough, and our society isn't always ready to support adoptive parents.
This book reveals the uncertainty of placement before children are legally free for adoption, the incredible difference a good social worker or support worker makes, the dismissive attitude of those who don't understand the long-term consequences of neglect or abuse (your child's had time to get over it and now needs to learn to behave), the fear of stalking or snatching by birth parents, and through all of it is the wonder and joy that these children bring, the love that overwhelms everything and makes it all worth it, every day, every struggle.
I could go on for pages, with all the places that resonated with me, or where my experience was the same, or where I've seen friends' adopted children struggling, and praising Sally's honesty in writing about all the things I couldn't bear to share, but this review is long enough.
I can't recommend this book enough for people considering adoption, or being foster parents. (And if you're a teacher, and you have adopted children in your class with attachment disorder, you also should read this.) Not only will it show how adoption is the beginning of the journey, but it also reveals the very real, honest reactions and feelings that adoptive parents may feel, behavioral and disciplinary issues they may face, and demonstrates ways to help.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
No Matter What not harrowing, or overly optimistic - many books about adoption tend to lean more towards one or the other - because it is the truth, which means at times it's both. There's no agenda here, to push you towards or away from private/public/foster care/international adoptions, just the very well-written, soul-bearing honest experience of one woman and her husband.
Women - and probably men too - with fertility problems will understand Sally's bleak humor, and the pain of enduring social events. People who have traveled down the road to adoption will also understand the feeling that your entire life is on hold until the next [doctor's appointment/test/social worker visit/training session/paperwork deadline], while your friends and families are getting pregnant, giving birth, getting pregnant again...
There's a brutal realization that at some point you'll check boxes saying you'll accept a child with X but not with Y, and you'll lie awake at night wondering if you were too picky or not honest enough, whether you'll be able to handle it, and at the same time mourning all the children you've now excluded and deemed unacceptable.
And even when the children and adoptive parents are matched, there's no easy gradual transition or notice period as there is with pregnancy. One week you're childless, the next you're not, and somehow you have to let friends and family know, make arrangements for leave from work, get everything you think you'll need (but not too much, because you want to let your child develop his or her own personality) ... Instant parenthood is tough, and our society isn't always ready to support adoptive parents.
This book reveals the uncertainty of placement before children are legally free for adoption, the incredible difference a good social worker or support worker makes, the dismissive attitude of those who don't understand the long-term consequences of neglect or abuse (your child's had time to get over it and now needs to learn to behave), the fear of stalking or snatching by birth parents, and through all of it is the wonder and joy that these children bring, the love that overwhelms everything and makes it all worth it, every day, every struggle.
I could go on for pages, with all the places that resonated with me, or where my experience was the same, or where I've seen friends' adopted children struggling, and praising Sally's honesty in writing about all the things I couldn't bear to share, but this review is long enough.
I can't recommend this book enough for people considering adoption, or being foster parents. (And if you're a teacher, and you have adopted children in your class with attachment disorder, you also should read this.) Not only will it show how adoption is the beginning of the journey, but it also reveals the very real, honest reactions and feelings that adoptive parents may feel, behavioral and disciplinary issues they may face, and demonstrates ways to help.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
March 24, 2024
If you are thinking about adopting I cannot recommend this book enough. Yes it bears the harsh truths and unfiltered troubles that some adoptive parents may face, but it is told with such honesty, raw emotion and yet passion that you can really understand how sally and rob feel.
I can understand why many would only focus on the negative portrayal of adoption, but there is more to this than just that. It shows how Jamie and Rose grow, develop, begin to trust and muddle their way through this unknown life of love and care.
Definitely one to read!
I can understand why many would only focus on the negative portrayal of adoption, but there is more to this than just that. It shows how Jamie and Rose grow, develop, begin to trust and muddle their way through this unknown life of love and care.
Definitely one to read!
February 4, 2020
It was a great book, but a lot was lost on me because it's based in England. Perhaps they do things differently there; the message was still the same but I had a hard time being invested in it. This book would be great for anyone considering adoption.
February 28, 2021
Yes, love heals but parenting kids with trauma/neglect histories, requires so much more. Immerse yourself in this story of the fierce love of this adoptive family. Understand the day to day challenges as these children learn to deal with and heal from their past. Cheer on these parents as they are called on to muster every ounce of patience, determination and hope while they discover what their kids need emotionally, academically and socially and then work to provide it. Experience the heroism of both kids and parents who must confront the aftermath of abuse, learn to cope with and channel the anger, shame and grief. This story will break your heart wide open, expand your understanding of the life-long impact of abuse and neglect and educate you on how to be a better, friend, teacher, family member and perhaps call you to rise to the challenge of parenting kids with "tough starts." At the very least, it will open your eyes and hearts and draw you in to view adoptive families with more empathy and less judgment. This is not a happily-ever-after tale but a true portrait of what it takes as a family to overcome such a disastrous beginning and to triumph.
October 7, 2013
This is a really lovely book. I know a few couples who have adopted or are wanting to adopt and this book is a really nice writing about the whole process of it and all the bumps in the road that adoptive families have to go through. It is done in a light and humorous way.
It will probably help people who have no clue about adoption what it is really about and how to better treat who have chosen to adopt.
I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
It will probably help people who have no clue about adoption what it is really about and how to better treat who have chosen to adopt.
I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
September 11, 2014
'No Matter What' by Sally Donovan - A truly inspirational, informative and moving account of the realities of finding out you can't have children, and ultimately fostering two children damaged by abuse and neglect in their early years. The account of the process and then the hurdles faced by both the adoptive parents and the children had me in floods of tears of anger, upset, empathy and joy - another one I can happily recommend and another 5 stars from me :)
March 31, 2015
As a Clinical Psychologist working with looked after and adopted children, a colleague recommended that I read this book. While I am well aware of the research and theories about traumatised children,Sally so beautifully describes an honest account of family life in a way that is so much clearer and feels more real to me.I cannot recommend this book highly enough to families who have adopted or are considering adoption as well as professionals working with them.
February 8, 2014
Well written and heartfelt tale of the strength and resilience of this adoptive family, despite the difficult and lasting effects of early life trauma. Honest, moving bit still uplifting.
January 4, 2015
A rare but thoroughly deserved 5/5! This is such an honest and insightful account about adoption.
Read the full review here: http://bmariebooks.blogspot.co.uk/201...
Read the full review here: http://bmariebooks.blogspot.co.uk/201...
June 15, 2020
Overview
This was a very touching book that made me understand more about adoption and parenting. It is written from the birth mother’s point of view, and she eloquently describes how she felt at every stage of her journey.
The book first started with the birth mother wanting kids. She was thirty years old, ready to get pregnant and become a mother. Things took a turn, however, when she tried with her husband for three years unsuccessfully. During this time, she described her shame and embarrassment about not being able to have kids.
Motivations
This made me think about the motivation behind having kids in the first place. I think it is pretty clear that one of the societal norms of a family would be having children. From a biological point of view, it makes sense. All life we know reproduce in order to continue the species. Our bodies have organs specifically designed to mate, not to mention the fact that it made the mating process so enjoyable. However, when we think about it from a deeper perspective, are kids really fundamental to our happiness as a person? She mentioned in the book everyone her age around her was having kids. She often felt left out and angry at the fact that people around her only talked about kids and seldom anything else. As she says,
“Is it socially acceptable to spend the entire evening talking about one’s own children?”
At the end of the day, having children is a life-time...
Read the full review at
bookruminations.com/no-matter-what
This was a very touching book that made me understand more about adoption and parenting. It is written from the birth mother’s point of view, and she eloquently describes how she felt at every stage of her journey.
The book first started with the birth mother wanting kids. She was thirty years old, ready to get pregnant and become a mother. Things took a turn, however, when she tried with her husband for three years unsuccessfully. During this time, she described her shame and embarrassment about not being able to have kids.
Motivations
This made me think about the motivation behind having kids in the first place. I think it is pretty clear that one of the societal norms of a family would be having children. From a biological point of view, it makes sense. All life we know reproduce in order to continue the species. Our bodies have organs specifically designed to mate, not to mention the fact that it made the mating process so enjoyable. However, when we think about it from a deeper perspective, are kids really fundamental to our happiness as a person? She mentioned in the book everyone her age around her was having kids. She often felt left out and angry at the fact that people around her only talked about kids and seldom anything else. As she says,
“Is it socially acceptable to spend the entire evening talking about one’s own children?”
At the end of the day, having children is a life-time...
Read the full review at
bookruminations.com/no-matter-what
April 10, 2024
All potential adopters should have a read at this.
This followed the story of Sally and Rob, who adopted 2 children at the ages of 1 and 4. You could feel the emotions coming through this book. I felt excited when they got their phone call for matching. I felt sad when Jamie had his troubles at school. I wanted to reach out to Sally when she was having her tough days.
Myself and my husband have been going through the process, and we can't wait for Panel Day. We know a lot of hard work is in front of us, but it will be completely worth it.
This followed the story of Sally and Rob, who adopted 2 children at the ages of 1 and 4. You could feel the emotions coming through this book. I felt excited when they got their phone call for matching. I felt sad when Jamie had his troubles at school. I wanted to reach out to Sally when she was having her tough days.
Myself and my husband have been going through the process, and we can't wait for Panel Day. We know a lot of hard work is in front of us, but it will be completely worth it.
December 15, 2024
I read this book as a prospective adopter, having seen it recommended by one of the agencies I'm looking at. Although now slightly out of date (Donovan adopted in 2002/3 I believe), it tells a heartwarming story of one couple's story to adoption and then the first 8 years of life with their children. I'd strongly recommend it to anyone considering adoption. I'd liked to have heard more about how the family are now - I know Donovan has written other books so perhaps those will cover teenage years and beyond.
January 12, 2019
This is a great look inside an actual family and what joys and hardships can come from adopting a child who has been through trauma. Very easy to access and relate to. The idea that sometimes trauma can't be overcome, but love means you won't give up "no matter what". I meant to write a longer review after I read it. It is set in England, so some of the laws/procedures are different.
February 1, 2019
After social workers gave us reading lists filled with attachment theory experts' books, what a relief to read a real life experience of adoption. Filled with gritty reality, tragic misunderstanding and true hope, it gave us an insight into the realities of adoption. We gave this book to all our family to help them prepare for what might be to come. Thank you Sally Donovan.
June 15, 2020
An eye opening review even for somebody who has been through the foster care and adoption system themselves.
I enjoyed the honesty, the glimpses into professional help when it went badly and when it went well.
10/10 would recommend to anybody considering adoption or even fostering children. Thank you for this book!
I enjoyed the honesty, the glimpses into professional help when it went badly and when it went well.
10/10 would recommend to anybody considering adoption or even fostering children. Thank you for this book!
December 2, 2024
This book hurt. It's refreshingly honest and for that, I can't commend the author enough. It was also one of the greatest adoption books I've read: at the end of the day, the love we receive from our family (biological or not) is what keeps us going. There's nothing else that can even come close to it.
February 2, 2019
Wow! What a story! I absolutely loved this book and couldn't put it down. It takes you through the journey of infertility and adoption. It is written with such honesty and emotion. It is moving, heart breaking and uplifting at the same time. I cried, smiled and laughed.
March 17, 2019
Great read
This book highlights both the highs and lows of adoption. It is written so well and I really enjoyed seeing the story develop. Adoption is so rewarding but so tough too, this book captures all of that.
This book highlights both the highs and lows of adoption. It is written so well and I really enjoyed seeing the story develop. Adoption is so rewarding but so tough too, this book captures all of that.
September 11, 2021
What a book! Prepared to be uplifted, to cry, to laugh, and be amazed at this couples journey. A very true reflection of a journey on the trauma train. I wish I had their strength. A must read for all adopters, foster carers and wannabes.
January 3, 2023
This is a great put down and pick up again read. We are going through the adoption process and this book has answered a lot of my questions. I do feel better equipped than before. Thank you Sally Donovan!!
July 20, 2017
Really insightful and honest book.
July 21, 2018
A sad story of neglect, memories and hope!
A trying time for all involved ...
A trying time for all involved ...
August 12, 2019
Such an informative book. If your considering adoption you need to read this book.
October 10, 2019
A true emotional rollercoaster. Heartfelt and very well written.
January 7, 2020
Superb book, very thought provoking
June 15, 2020
Fantastic! This is a must for anyone interested in adopting or who works with children. Beautifully, honestly written. I couldn’t put it down.
July 19, 2022
A great read for anyone going through the adoption process.
March 22, 2023
Honest, helpful, insightful and incredibly well written.
June 12, 2024
Such a helpfully honest account of adoption. An amazing book
August 2, 2024
An honest look into life as adoptive parents, really helpful.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews