Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise

by Jane Middelton-Moz MS

"It is my feeling that debilitating shame and guilt are at the root of all dysfunctions in families,” says Jane Middelton-Moz.

A few common characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:
You may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. You don’t believe you make mistakes, you believe you are a mistake.

You feel controlled from the outside and from within. You feel that normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

You may suffer from debilitating guilt; you apologize constantly.

You have little sense of emotional boundaries; you feel constantly violated by others; you frequently build false boundaries.

If you see yourself in any of these characteristics, you can learn how shame keeps you from being the person you were born to be and how to change that. Shame And Guilt describes how debilitating shame is created and fostered in childhood and how it manifests itself in adulthood and in intimate relationships. Through the use of myths and fairytales to portray different shaming environments, Dr. Middelton-Moz allows you to reach the shamed child within you and to add clarity to what could be difficult concepts.
Read Shame and Guilt — you’re worth it.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook

144 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1990

Reviews

[Mary Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was great at showing the symptoms and causes of shame and guilt in adults raised in abusive environments, but it leaves you hanging at the end. It shows you there is a problem but doesn't give you any where to turn for help.

[LeaAnn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended by my counseling supervisor for an understanding of the concept of shame while working with trauma but applicable to broader populations, as well. Could be a good resource to recommend to clients but should be worked through in the course of therapy, as it is likely to trigger shame responses but offers no steps for coping with those responses.

[Opal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly relatable and very easy to understand. The author was able to relate and seperate guilt from shame through fairy tales and short dialogues as well as life experiences that helps your average reader understand and come to terms with their own shame and guilt.

As someone who has been in therapy for many years, Middleton-Moz was able to list out some behaviors and habits that even I was unaware of or unable to label! I think despite it being an older book being published in 1990 it holds a great deal of insight that is relevant still.

My only complaint is that the reader was given few 'solutions' to certain behaviors and it was not always explained if something was simply a pattern that should be worked through, or one that was a character trait/less changeable. So really, I wanted more! I have questions but not enough that I felt the book was unfinished, but that a second book may be useful to treat shame and guilt now a reader understands them thoroughly.

[Amber Hart · Rating 4 out of 5]

Guilt is something I think we’re all able to understand for the most part, this book really broke down what shame is and how it is manifested in relationships. I personally did not enjoy how the author used fairy tales as examples, I preferred the real life situations as they are easier to relate to. A good read for anyone trying to understand emotions better in themselves and in others

[Greg Haehl · Rating 5 out of 5]

The information is very good. Writing style is 3 stars.

[Apryl Anderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This short read brought up the symptoms--the undeniable signs--of debilitating shame and guilt, but I have to wonder...if you're entrenched in these behaviours--if this is 'normal' to you--then how effective is any of this, anyway? Interesting concept, drawing the truth from classic fairy tales, yet where is the resolution? Yes, it really is as simple as [attention: spoiler alert], "When I was early in my awareness of my shame-based history and was emotionally kicked, I would try to figure out why the other was injuring me. Later in the process, when emotionally kicked, I would seek out others who felt as wounded as I was. Now when I'm emotionally kicked, I tell the kicker to stop and if they won't, I remove myself from their proximity. Then I seek out those I love and who in turn love me so that I can share my feelings and ask for comfort."

ISOLATION IS DANGEROUS. Reach out; learn whom is capable of your trust; expose the lies that demand to stay hidden. An exploration of methods for healing would've added a star or two to this book's crown.

[Rebecca Waring-Crane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This slim volume packs a wallop if you experienced a shame-based family of origin as I did. The title was recommended when I asked an occupational therapist about identity formation. After reading the book, I wouldn't say it is about identity formation, but Middleton-Moz outlines the experiences and traits of debilitating shame and debilitating guilt in straight-forward prose. Her use of fairy tales did not resonate with me, however, I wept my way through several passages. I knew my family of origin had enmeshment issues, but had not, until now, realized how much of my childhood was shaped by shame.

Once I realized just how deep I was in the woods, so to speak, I expected the writer to spend more time leading me out again.

Insightful and clear. Helpful but lacking actionable steps to resolve shame issues. I wanted more.

[Alina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This short book looks into a complex topic of human shame and guilt. In particular, how debilitating shame and guilt may potentially occur, how two are differ, how such feelings effect our existence in the world? And consequently the book addresses the importance to acknowledge and to deal with guilt/shame if we wish to have a healthier life.
Personally, after reading this book, I noticed that I was able to recognise types of shame in a movie characters. I guess in a way it did help to open my eyes on different behaviour and subtle signs that may lead to shame any human being.
I would recommend this book for people who are interested in psychology and looking to get a quick understanding on the topic. Or/and any child-adult individual.

[Booksy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping this would be more of a self-help book, but it was a description of shame and guilt and the various ways that it manifests itself as an adult. The author uses a fairy tale to explain how these feelings come to be in a family, which worked pretty good. I have to admit some of it went over my head. I happen to experience these two feelings a lot, but I didn't see myself in many of the examples.

[Maggie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've always been a little confused about the difference of Shame and Guilt and this book helped clear it us some!!

[Jef · Rating 3 out of 5]

Shame can be a debilitating emotion if it is learned as a child and never expressed. We tend to hide our shame and transfer the intense feelings into guilt, anger, fear.

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely staying on the book shelf for reference! Quick, but though provoking read. A good intro into the subject, I will be looking for more indepth books on the subject.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, well written introduction to the concepts of shame and guilt. My only quibble would have liked to have seen some hands-on recommendations on how to cope with shame.

[Kitty · Rating 3 out of 5]

Explained the difference between shame and guilt, but didn't give much advice for working on either problem. Interesting, but not very helpful.

[Stef Garvin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very thorough in the problems caused by childhood shame. Unfortunately, there was very little (about two pages worth) advice regarding how to recover from the effects of shame.

[Melissa Pollick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely helpful to put labels on feelings and patterns

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for adult children of abusive parents

[Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is pretty great if you have any history of being shamed and resulting guilt problems. Think if you ever had parents or a significant partner in your life who constantly put you down, expected you to live up to unrealistic expectations, and made you feel like you had no value. Particularly if this happened in childhood when you had little in the way of skills for dealing with that sort of treatment.

The book is written in a fairly easy to read format with "fairy tale" examples that are pretty clear on all of the concepts and help to keep the text from becoming too dry. My only complaint is that parts of it are a little repetitive.

It has helped me to see how my childhood affected the way I relate to people in adulthood and made some of my least healthy behaviors both much more evident and also something I can understand instead of feel ashamed of.

Great therapeutic book.