Embracing Queer Family: Learning to Live Authentically in Our Families and Communities

by Nia Chiaramonte, Katie J. Chiaramonte

Embrace the Queerness of your family, take ownership of your journey, and use your voice to bring light to your communities. When Nia Chiaramonte came out as a trans woman to her wife Katie, she knew she would be met with a loving response. But she was less sure where this would leave their relationship, their marriage, and their family. Even murkier was what would happen when they began to bring their extended family, friends, and broader community alongside them on their journey of identity formation as a Queer family. They needed a guide for what lay ahead. Now, drawing on their own experiences as well as their expertise in psychology, spirituality, and family systems, Nia and Katie Chiaramonte offer the tools they wish they'd had for their journey. Embracing Queer Family is a guidebook for Queer families on how to live into their true selves and strengthen their communities through radical love, acceptance, and mutual healing. With hands-on tools for learning and reflection in each chapter, this needed resource tackles issues of inclusion and acceptance and offers practical advice for how individuals and families can honor themselves and find transformation for their whole community through love. Whether you are a Queer person on the journey of self-awareness, an ally looking for resources, or a family member seeking advice for how to navigate a loved one's coming-out process, this book is for you.

Genres: Queer

219 pages, Hardcover

Published May 14, 2024

About the author

Nia Chiaramonte, co-author of 'Embracing Queer Family: Learning to Live Authentically in our Families and Communities and auther of new memoir, I Hardly Knew Me: Following Love, Faith and Skittles to a Transgender Awakening,' brings a powerful blend of professional expertise and her lived experience as a transgender woman to her writing. Nia and her wife Katie encourage us to embrace the Queerness of our family, take ownership of our journey, and use our voice to bring light to our communities.

As co-founders of Love in the Face, Nia and Katie extend their book's mission through mentorship, ceremonial services, and faith and workplace consulting, creating safe spaces for transgender and LGBTQIA+ individuals to thrive. Drawing from her 20-year career in Human Resources and her own journey of self-discovery, Nia brings unique insights into building cultures of acceptance and understanding.

Through her writing and speaking, Nia continues to champion inclusive spaces where everyone can feel safe, valued, and free to be themselves. Her work reminds us that authentic living isn't just about personal freedom—it's about creating ripples of change that benefit entire communities.

Reviews

[Karna Bosman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This insightful book will help you respond with love to a Queer family member or friend.

In July 2018, Nia Chiaramonte revealed to her wife, Katie, that she is a transgender woman. They had been high school sweethearts, married for several years, and had five children. Despite facing many challenges, their marriage and their family remain strong. They have amassed valuable knowledge, experience, and insight that they now share with us. They've done the difficult work that we can now benefit from.

"Embracing Queer Family" is a personal memoir about coming out and the journey of learning how to let others in. The Chiaramonte story offers valuable insights for everyone, whether you identify as Queer, have a family member who identifies as Queer, or have a friend who has come out. This book is an excellent resource for gaining insight and understanding about the Queer community and how to support them. It serves as a guide for finding happiness, wholeness, and safety during the complex process of redefining oneself and one's family.

Nia and Katie write about the difficulty of understanding and accepting one's own Queer identity, particularly when that understanding of one's identity comes later in life and stands in contrast to one's religious beliefs. They offer solid advice on letting loved ones in, determining who the safe people and communities are, and how to approach coming out with thoughtfulness and clarity.

Embracing Queer Family acknowledges that not everyone will support or provide a safe environment for queer individuals. The Chiaramontes still have family members who are not safe. The book offers helpful advice on how to set boundaries.

Whether you are navigating your own coming-out experience or supporting a loved one through theirs, "Embracing Queer Family" serves as a heartwarming and insightful testament to the idea that relationships can evolve, persevere, and flourish. Nia and Katie exemplify this truth through their own lived experiences.

Everyone will find something beneficial in this trailblazing book. Nia and Katie wrap up their book with a Resource List. This Resource List alone is worth a fortune.

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having worked as a licensed therapist specializing in Transgender and Queer related community and identifying as transgender myself, this book is a well written step-by-step guide for those new to the Transgender journey and the coming out process; whether it is their identity or a loved one's identity. This books is ideal for those especially coming from rural, conservative backgrounds where finding support might be more challenging. This book will hold their hand throughout the journey. I also recommend this to social workers and counselors as well. Anyone who is a helper or caregiver to a diverse community.

I was provided an advanced copy from friends of the authors.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was, at its heart, a simple story about a very messy, complex thing. It was just two people sharing their experiences, and through their openness, honesty, and vulnerability I got insight into their world.

Being trans is something I can't personally identify with. I won't ever experience the personal conflicts of realizing I'm trans, or going through transition. This is why I value stories like this one. When Nia and Katie describe how they ended up choosing labels like queer or trans, I learn more about the diversity and beauty of humanity. When they share the conflicts they had with transitioning and coming out, I can empathize with their struggles and learn how to support people in my life. We need people to share their stories, and books like these do an excellent job of that.

Embracing Queer Family is a story of regular people diving into a culture and identity that tries to deem them irregular. The experiences they have are often mundane, but even the most mundane experiences can carry life-changing significance. Read this book, and step into the shoes of Nia and Kate.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is outstanding in so many ways. It is wise, vulnerable, compassionate, and so inclusive. As a straight, cis-gender woman, I found so much wisdom for my own intimate relationships. This book is certainly indispensable for queer families and family members. But I would suggest it is indispensable for ANYONE looking to live in to their relationships with more love and integrity.

Everyone should read this book!!!

[Barclay Sparrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is such a lovely and accessible approach to the coming out journey whether you or someone you love is coming into their identity. It makes room so so many kinds of experiences without judgement, and I’ll definitely be recommending it to friends and family in the future ❤️

[Megan Vanderflute · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written, insightful exploration of love and how we can celebrate and embrace the LGBTQ+ community.

[Jillian McQueen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was beautiful, important, and full of love! Nia and Katie did a phenomenal job of educating and offering their own unique perspective! It was a joy to read! This is a great resource for LGBTQIA+ people, their loved ones, and those wanting to better understand! Highly recommend!

[Josh Olds · Rating 5 out of 5]

In July 2018, Nia Chiaramonte came out at transgender to her wife, Katie, after years of marriage and five children. It sounds like a marriage death knell, doesn’t it? How does one remain married to someone who is undergoing such a radical and drastic change? How do you tell the kids? How do you tell your parents? How do you navigate such a seismic shift in the relationship?

The truth is that many relationships don’t make it. Studies are limited (in fact, there’s only been *one* in total), but suggest that only about half of romantic relationships survive gender transition (Meier et. al. 2013), whether due to the transition or factors that may stem from it. But Nia and Katie have made it. They’ve done the difficult work, navigated the choppy waters, moved slowly from being out to each other, to family, and then publicly. Embracing Queer Family is a book for those navigating similar changes—whether to a spouse, child, or other relative. It’s the Chiaramonte’s story, but so much more than that. It’s a guide for finding happiness, wholeness, and safety throughout difficult process of finding and redefining oneself and one’s family.

Embracing Queer Family is structured to be a slow progression outward. First, it begins with the self, the individual journey in. Nia and Katie write about the difficulty of understanding and accepting one’s own Queer identity, particularly when that understanding of one’s identity comes later in life and/or stands in contrast to one’s social/religious beliefs. From there, they move to a chapter on letting loved ones in and how to approach coming out with thoughtfulness and clarity. The Chiaramontes found that, for them, this didn’t start with their closest friends (who might have strong emotional reactions to the news) but a friend who was more detached from their life that they knew was supportive of trans rights.

Embracing Queer Family continues the journey by moving from the “letting in” to the “coming out.” Nia and Katie offer solid and thoughtful advice for how to deliberately and carefully determine safe people and safe communities. Most of this advice in common-sense, but having it written down by someone who has gone through the same thing successfully as a resource to return to is an invaluable resource. And that’s sort of the theme of this book: You don’t have to do this alone. There’s a community out here offering support and cheering you on.

Yet, Embracing Queer Family also recognizes that not everyone will be supportive or safe. While they don’t go into great detail—there’s no need to explain what so many Queer folk already know as an excruciating reality—they do offer good advice for setting boundaries and discussing queerness in a way that tries to avoid the toxic “culture war” conversation.

The book ends with a “toolkit” of practical specifics for navigating gender identity changes as both the individual and those whom they love. One thing they encourage, practice pronouns and new names! Change their contact information in your phone. When thinking about them, change their name and pronouns in our mind. When it comes to boundary keeping, the Chiaramontes offer suggested scripts that help set firm boundaries: “My position of support is not up for discussion.” “I am choosing to trust my loved one with their own identity.” Or simply, “No.” These discussions can be emotionally charged and by providing scripts, Embracing Queer Family brings a stability and groundedness that will hopefully cut through the emotions and allow clear and transparent communication.

Whether you are in the process of coming out or processing a loved one’s coming out, Embracing Queer Family is a loving and substantive reminder that relationships can adapt, endure, and thrive. Nia and Katie are living, loving examples of that. It’s not that the journey isn’t easy (if it was the book would not be necessary), but it can be done. Follow in the footsteps of those who have done it successfully. Listen to their wisdom and advice. Embrace the Queerness and take control of your journey.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

📖 This is a beautiful, hopeful, and helpful book. Nia and Katie share their stories coming out as a queer family, along with helpful advice on how to navigate dissenting opinions, setting boundaries, and finding true community that embraces queerness.

Nia came out as a transgender woman to her wife Katie of 20+ years. After some time, Katie recognized and embraced her own queer identity. This led their family on a journey to embrace their new family and find safe people along the way to be their supporters and community as they progressively came out to all their friends and family.

This book is more like a how to guide on how to endeavor and execute the delicate issue of coming out as queer and finding your people. What I loved most was the “lean in” inserts where different people would share their personal stories. This book is authentic and written in the spirit of love.

I picked up this book because my friend knows the authors personally. I am so thankful for voices like these, adding a drop of light and hope into this messy world. Their story and insight is inspiring.

“One of the great gifts of Queer identity is that it blurs the lines of expectation and allows us to see things in a different way.”

“Inclusive communities are not simply communities that have made room at their table for Queer folks. They are communities that are willing to dismantle their table and rebuild something with the input and experience of Queer folks. Perhaps a better term for this kind of community is an embracing community.”

“Embracing communities are willing to realize the need for symbiotic healing and mutual reliance. They listen. They trust. They participate, and together we all thrive.”

[Beansprout722 Sanzero · Rating 5 out of 5]

Embracing Queer Family by Nia and Katie Chiaramonte is a truly transformative read. From the moment I started reading, I felt an immediate connection to their family story and loved the practical advice shared by the authors. Not only inspiring but incredibly practical, this book provides a wealth of resources from which anyone can benefit.

Nia and Katie Chiaramonte's personal experiences and professional backgrounds in psychology and spirituality shine through every page. Their journey of navigating identity within their family is shared with such honesty and vulnerability. The hands-on tools for reflection and learning in each chapter are invaluable for anyone looking to foster love, acceptance, and mutual healing in their relationships and communities.

What sets this book apart is its ability to speak to a wide audience. Whether you're a queer person on a path of self-discovery, an ally searching for ways to support loved ones, or a family member seeking guidance on navigating the complexities of a loved one's coming-out process, Embracing Queer Family offers profound insights and practical steps. The emphasis on radical love and acceptance is a powerful reminder that our journeys can lead to greater freedom and authenticity not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.

It's a must-read for anyone seeking to bring more love and light into their lives and communities. When we know better, we do better and Embracing Queer Family helps each of us do better!

[Gen Giggles · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provides a lot of useful advice, but it isn't just an advice book. It has real life examples and experiences. It also doesn't look at this journey from only an individual stand point. It talks about how we need community and the importance that community brings us, whether from chosen or biological family.

From the concept of "letting in" to the use of Silk and Goldman's ring theory. The book provides a novel way of looking at and working through the normal lives of LGBTQ+ individuals. I recommend this book for everyone as it is extremely helpful to have read this, even if you or somone you know isn't queer. It can help change how you view what is happening in the world.

[Monique McLay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is exactly the kind of book I wish I'd had when our daughter was transitioning. It combines the personal story of someone who was coming to terms with their gender transition with that of the person who loved them deeply and was coming to terms with it at the same time. It provides great perspectives and insights into the complex and often overwhelming range of emotions felt during such times. It offers insight into everything from vocabulary tips to things to consider as you think about when to come out to them.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Embracing Queer Family is a book that is based on personal experience, research, and explanations of all the emotions and experiences involved in revealing one’s queer self to others and self. There is a ton of advice and reflection, and explanation for queer folk and those who may not be at all comfortable with LGBTQIA+ individuals.

I have friends, children, students, and acquaintances who I try to support every day. Sometimes explaining or having the right words to say in situations is hard. This book gives so much guidance and is a valuable resource for all people to read.

[Heather Monaghan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book. The authors were authentic and compassionate in their guidance of how to best come alongside queer loved ones as well as being gentle with yourself if you are in the process of finding finding a safe community to support you on your journey. I think every mental health counselor needs to read this book!

[Calico · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some amazing nuggets in here, but overall I think I'm not the target audience for this one. Not a bad book by any measure, but primarily intended for those who are in the process of coming out and not those who have been out for many years already. I think had I read it when I was younger, I would've liked it quite a bit.

[Ysandril Morrigan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nia and Katie give you one of the best guides and perspectives on life as a transgender individual. Insightful and inspiring, you get to be put in touch with processes that guide you to what acceptance and community can look like in the best of lens’.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me so much to understand the LGBTQ experience from both the author's prespective and their partner. I've already applied what I learned as an ally and shared it with many other people! Needs to be required reading!

[Febe'S Mening · Rating 3 out of 5]

3*

[Kristin Vogel · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful and heartwarming exploration of diverse family dynamics and how we can embrace and celebrate love in all its forms.