Stand By Me: A Guide to Navigating Modern, Meaningful Caregiving

by Allison Applebaum

Compassionate, groundbreaking, and urgently needed, Stand By Me provides caregivers with new ways to juggle the responsibilities and emotional ups and downs of caregiving.

As the founder of the only devoted Caregivers Clinic in the country, clinical psychologist Dr. Allison Applebaum is no stranger to the intensity of being an unpaid, untrained family caregiver. She also understands that it is often the strength and well-being of these very caregivers—the parents, children, partners, siblings, and friends of patients—that are the true linchpin determining each patient’s illness experience.

This book puts the practical tools and transformative support of the Caregivers Clinic in your hands, empowering you to provide your loved one with the best quality of life and care possible, while promoting your own wellbeing. The book covers crucial topics
-Getting the most from any healthcare system
-Productive advance care planning
-Navigating changing roles and relationship dynamics
-Finding meaning and purpose in the caregiving experience

Stand By Me draws on a decade of clinical and research experience as well as Dr. Applebaum’s personal journey as the primary caregiver for her own father, legendary composer Stanley Applebaum, at the end of his life. Dr. Applebaum recognizes caregivers for who they truly invaluable healthcare team members. Offering critical insight and takeaways, Stand By Me is an essential resource throughout your caregiving journey.

Genres: Mental Health, Health, Psychology, Health Care, Self Help, Womens, Nonfiction

352 pages, Hardcover

Published February 27, 2024

Reviews

[Martha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Navigating an illness, or, as the author puts it in pleasantly euphemistic terms, life limiting illness, is stressful for the person experiencing the illness, but puts a different kind of physical and emotional pressure on family and friends. Applebaum relates her own experience navigating the care of her elderly father during the last 12 years of his life. Her relationship with her father, a close one, is the touchstone of her advice for caregivers, though as a counselor in a hospital setting for people experiencing illness and difficult diagnoses, she has dealt with many situations and offered counsel to many people, each with their own needs and emotions. While there is no one size fits all, this book offers some good points and thoughtful acknowledgements to people caring for a loved one. She's strong on advocacy, especially in a hospital setting, and acknowledges the lonliness that often accompanies caring for someone else full time, the loss of social life, and the emotions that can work against your best intentions. A very helpful book if you find yourself in the position of carer and feel at a loss on how to be your best for the person you love.

[Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is thoughtful, practical, well researched, and empathetic. She uses her own experience of caring for her father in his last years to illustrate her points, making it part memoir. Good to read if you are care giving now. Or to read now because one day you'll be a caregiver and will know to come back to this for support. She helps you be a better caregiver, and now to care for yourself among the way.

[Terri · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's difficult to put into words how incredible this book is. I am a clinical psychologist who has also navigated caregiving and loss, and I found this book to be utterly wonderful. It is gorgeously written, and blends personal anecdotes (which are fascinating and readable) with relatable case examples and priceless information and resources that address the broad spectrum of caregiving. The advice, skills and tools are all presented clearly and understandably, often in the form of eye catching diagrams and charts. Stand By Me is a pleasure to read, although be prepared for moments where you might tear up, because the author will present a concept or idea that is so profoundly relatable. If you are a caregiver, you will feel SEEN. Dr. Applebaum is a caregiver herself in addition to being a professional, highly regarded and multi-published psychologist, and she blends her personal experience with clinical knowledge in such an exquisite way. The sensitivity, care, insight and thoughtfulness with which this book is written is apparent, and the advice and tools offered to caregivers are all brilliant. I so appreciated the way the book is organized (with each chapter corresponding to a musical piece her father arranged or conducted that is thematically related to the topic at hand). In sum, the author "gets it" and captures the tremendous responsibility and burden of being a caregiver to a loved one, from multiple angles. She offers reassurance and resources; the information shared is priceless and unbelievably helpful. I cannot recommend this book more highly. It is a completely valuable purchase and I will be recommending it to all of my clients!

[Emily Seitz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful and completely relatable. Brought me tears on multiple occasions with parallels to my own life.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard book to start, especially so soon after losing my sister. I had to put it down and start again later when I felt stronger. Nonetheless, I still struggled because there is a lot of talk about death (understandably!) and it forced me to think about my sister as well as the death of my mom, who is my care partner. The author was very good about navigating these difficult topics with respect and compassion. I also appreciated the inclusion of varied family units and caregivers. Most helpful were the checklists. I dog-eared several pages to refer back to for when I prepare not just my mom's information, but also my own, so that whoever cares for me someday (or is dealing with my death) will have everything in one place. I have two critiques: 1) some of this reads more like a memoir than examples of what to expect as a caregiver; and 2) this is directed more toward people who are providing care for people with cancer or similar illnesses, rather than those with dementia. If you are looking for something specific to dementia, I would not recommend this as a primary source of information. However, it does provide several helpful points and is worth reading, at least as an adjunct to another source.

[Michelle Herzing · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for every adult because the chances are every person will become a caretaker in some capacity for a parent, significant other, child or friend at some point in their lives. Ms. Applebaum offers comprehensive, useful and easily understood advice for all aspects of the care partner's journey.

I especially appreciated the information about conversations to have with care partners and the information about advocating for someone who may not be able to advocate for themselves. Included in each chapter are exercises to help think through aspects that have likely not occurred to the reader and actionable steps that may be taken.

I will definitely keep Stand By Me as a valuable resource for when I may need it in the future. Thank you Ms. Applebaum for creating this valuable guide.

Thank you to Netgalley and Simon Element for the digital copy of Stand By Me: A Guide to Navigating Modern, Meaningful Caregiving by Allison Applebaum. The opinions in this review are my own.

[Michelle Fingeret · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Everyone was, is, or will be a caregiver at least once in their life"

"As a caregiver, you are an essential extension of the healthcare team"

This newly released book, expertly written by Dr Allison Applebaum from Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center is powerful and impactful and will help you connect more meaningfully to your role as a caregiver. Dr. Applebaum's work is grounded in science and offers practical tips and insights that are important for anyone in a caregiver role. She melds this beautifully with her own personal story that will make you feel supported and help normalize the most challenging aspects of a caregiving journey. This book is so important and a tremendous gift to anyone who reads it. I am a huge fan of Dr. Applebaum and her work.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been reading this book FOREVER, because I'm one of those people who can't ever abandon books completely without feeling guilty...but also because it is really well-written with great information, but is just not current relevant to me. I think when it originally got added to my to-read list, I was under the impression that it was about caregiving in all forms, including of children. Instead, it is actually about end-of-life caregivers, which is very different! Still, it was a very well-written book, with Applebaum having both professional and personal experience with end-of-life caregiving and melding those together beautifully. There were also great reflection questions and checklist for caregivers, so it's truly a fabulous resource for anyone in this position!

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Couldn’t have picked a more appropriate title! It captures the gist of caregiving and, in this case, the strong bond between Dr. Applebaum and her father.
This is an excellent, thought-provoking guide to caregiving and how to advocate for your loved one but also focuses on caring for the caregiver. I certainly learned a lot and have reconsidered some aspects of my end of life care.
More important, I learned some valuable information and advice to help me and my loved one should I be called into the caregiver role at some point.

Thank you Dr. Applebaum.

[Lana Magness · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I could give this more than 5 stars! Everyone should read this book! This will now be the book I gift to everyone as they enter their caregiving journey and even before. I felt like I was sitting with the author reading it to me, lifting me up and reminding me of one of the most important things, being my most authentic self, finding meaning and purpose in caregiving, and ensuring I am taking care of myself.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Applebaum beautifully shares both her personal and professional perspectives on caregiving. This pragmatic guide provides a roadmap for both practical and emotional challenges that arise for all caregivers.

[Valerie Kestner · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really informative book and well written and obviously a topic very close to the author. I would recommend this to anyone in a generation who is finding themselves face with chronic caregiving issues or for planning.

[Lauren Chrzanowski · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful resource for family caregivers at any point in their journey. This book answers many common questions while Dr. Applebaum connects with the reader through her personal stories.

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heartfelt book about caregiving for a loved one, made even more emotional by the author's personal stories of caring for her father.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is a must-read if you are involved in caregiving for an elderly or medically vulnerable relative.

[Susan Krutzler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely spot on perfect. Anyone going through a caregiving journey will more than relate to this. Outstanding

[Joyce Schiff · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting info on being a caregiver.

[Sheila Garry · Rating 3 out of 5]

My husband has Alzheimer’s and this book didn’t deal with that type of disease. The long goodbye and the complete loss of the person that you knew. A very different journey.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book that touches on all aspects of caregiving. I found I could relate to a lot of what the author has gone through with the care of her father. A must read for caregivers.

[Maisie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being held by a book like this when you are next level worried about a remarkably loved person is so important. Thank you Dr. Allison 🥺💕

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Profoundly beautiful book what a gift to the cannon of literature there is on how to provide meaningful supportive caregiving to those who we love. Highly recommend this book to anyone navigating the often tumultuous waters of caregiving, as it is a beacon of hope and understanding. Dr. Applebaum‘s ability to articulate the intricate complexities of the caregiving experience with such clarity, authenticity, and warmth brought me to tears on multiple occasions. She, with a beautiful grace, tackles the raw emotions and challenges from an overwhelming sense of responsibility to the bittersweet moments of connection and love. each chapter resonated with me on a deeply personal level in my work in caring for those touched by cancer. She is as poignant in her words as she is relatable and you close the book feeling as if she pierced your soul… in awe of her and her father. Bravo.