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Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life
The definitive guide to creating the sex life of your wildest dreams—just by talking about it!—from sexpert couple Vanessa and Xander Marin.
INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
AARP.org Books to Improve Your Love Life
Why is it so hard to talk about sex, even with the person who regularly sees you naked?
You know communication is important in a relationship, but you just don’t know how to get started with such a sensitive subject. Maybe you’ve never talked about sex at all, and the thought of it makes your palms sweat. Or you’re feeling so disconnected from your partner that sex is the last thing on your mind. Maybe you’re too scared to be honest about what you really want. Or you have no freaking clue what you want, so you’re not sure how to tell your partner anything helpful!
Sex Talks “helps us overcome the myths that drag us down” (John Gottman, New York Times bestselling author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ). Together, sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband, Xander, show you that the best thing you can do for your sex life doesn’t even involve taking off your clothes.
Sex Talks covers the five essential conversations every couple needs to
1. a.k.a. “Sex is a thing, and we have it.”
2. a.k.a. “What do we need to feel connected to each other?”
3. a.k.a. “What do we each need to get turned on?”
4. a.k.a. “What do we each need to feel good?”
5. a.k.a. “What should we try next?”
With gripping storytelling and an intimate peek at what really goes on behind other couples’ closed bedroom doors, Vanessa and Xander share their successful advice that has already helped thousands of clients. Sex Talks “redefines what it means to have great sex” (Logan Ury, author of How to Not Die Alone ), providing the sex education you wish you’d had, plus the tried-and-tested tools you need to create the sex life of your wildest dreams.
INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
AARP.org Books to Improve Your Love Life
Why is it so hard to talk about sex, even with the person who regularly sees you naked?
You know communication is important in a relationship, but you just don’t know how to get started with such a sensitive subject. Maybe you’ve never talked about sex at all, and the thought of it makes your palms sweat. Or you’re feeling so disconnected from your partner that sex is the last thing on your mind. Maybe you’re too scared to be honest about what you really want. Or you have no freaking clue what you want, so you’re not sure how to tell your partner anything helpful!
Sex Talks “helps us overcome the myths that drag us down” (John Gottman, New York Times bestselling author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work ). Together, sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband, Xander, show you that the best thing you can do for your sex life doesn’t even involve taking off your clothes.
Sex Talks covers the five essential conversations every couple needs to
1. a.k.a. “Sex is a thing, and we have it.”
2. a.k.a. “What do we need to feel connected to each other?”
3. a.k.a. “What do we each need to get turned on?”
4. a.k.a. “What do we each need to feel good?”
5. a.k.a. “What should we try next?”
With gripping storytelling and an intimate peek at what really goes on behind other couples’ closed bedroom doors, Vanessa and Xander share their successful advice that has already helped thousands of clients. Sex Talks “redefines what it means to have great sex” (Logan Ury, author of How to Not Die Alone ), providing the sex education you wish you’d had, plus the tried-and-tested tools you need to create the sex life of your wildest dreams.
272 pages, Paperback
First published February 7, 2023
1574 people are currently reading
17858 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 492 reviews
April 25, 2023
sorry you’re seeing this mom
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January 26, 2023I read this one pretty slowly but lots of interesting things to think about and sparked plenty of good conversations.
January 22, 2023
Man, I wish I had read this book in my early 20s. You know, for all of the terrifying health information we got in school about how boils and pregnancy will appear if you even think about sex near someone (or was that just my school?), no one ever taught us how to communicate about it in a healthy way. And this book fixes that. Vanessa Marin, a therapist with 20 years of experience in this area, is breaking down how to have informative, loving, and honest conversations that lead to everyone’s happy ending. She pairs examples from her therapy clients and information submitted by followers of their popular IG page with perspectives from her husband to provide essential information and accessible action steps that are very doable. She provides sample scripts, questions, and activities that give the reader a clear roadmap. Vanessa and her husband Xander share personal examples that are both embarrassing and entirely relatable, making the reader feel comforted that they have been where we are! I almost never preorder hardcover books, but I ordered one before I finished reading this e-ARC because I know I want to make some notes.
If you are having anything less than your perfect life in the bedroom, this is a great book to help you figure out what you want and how to make it happen. Even with great communication in this area with my husband, I still learned some new tools and points to ponder. I rank it up there with Mating in Captivity and Come As You Are for essential relationship reading. I honestly wish gynecologists would hand out this book when women come in for birth control.
Thanks to Simon Element and NetGalley for the advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
If you are having anything less than your perfect life in the bedroom, this is a great book to help you figure out what you want and how to make it happen. Even with great communication in this area with my husband, I still learned some new tools and points to ponder. I rank it up there with Mating in Captivity and Come As You Are for essential relationship reading. I honestly wish gynecologists would hand out this book when women come in for birth control.
Thanks to Simon Element and NetGalley for the advanced copy in exchange for an honest review.
February 12, 2023
[Disclaimer: I received a free e-copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for my honest & unbiased review.]
I have mixed feelings about this book - but I’m giving it a relatively high rating because I think that, overall, it has the potential to be helpful for a lot of individuals and couples.
In fact, I think that this book would have been groundbreaking for me and my partner about 5-10 years ago. At that time, we were transitioning from the infatuation stage of our relationship into something much more secure and companionate. We were noticing the reality of (what we called at the time) our “mismatched libidos” and all of the advice online seemed to center on “just have sex and the responsive desire will happen naturally.”
Exactly as Marin points out in this book, that can be a recipe for disaster. It took us years to realize that I needed connection to feel sexual while he needed sex to feel connected (or at least he thought that he should). It took us years to realize that we could do a better job of negotiating what all “sex” could mean for us. And in those years, a lot of damage was done to my relationship with sex. It would’ve been nice to have read this book back then, so that we could have maybe come to those realizations a lot quicker and avoided some of the pain.
At the same time, I’m not entirely convinced that some of Marin’s ideas wouldn’t have just created different issues for us. And that’s for one small but glaring reason: She never truly acknowledges the potential of asexuality.
Don’t get me wrong; the word is said exactly once (where it is rather inaccurately defined as a “lifelong disinterest in sex.”) But it’s never actually approached as a serious consideration for folks. For all of the ways that Marin encourages readers to question what sex means to them, and why they think that sex has to be this perfect, spontaneous, and effortless activity… she never asks us to question why we feel pressured to have sex in the first place. Why so many folks report wanting a higher sex drive, or wanting to want sex when they don’t, or fear losing their partner if they don’t have sex enough. She never questions compulsory sexuality. In fact, she reinforces it by stating this about emotional and physical intimacy: “One can’t survive without the other in a long-term relationship.” This statement ignores so many loving and committed relationships in the world - and that breaks my heart.
So while I think this book will likely appeal to the masses of cisheteronormative couples, AND a lot of my own past experiences were justified, AND a couple ideas such as the “easy win” were inspiring or exciting… it still felt overly simplified and lacking to me. At this point in both my own journey and my partner’s journey of Queering the idea of sex and relationships, it didn’t acknowledge the complexity of our sexualities. And even when the author made a point to include gay, lesbian, or non-binary examples… it still didn’t feel truly inclusive.
I have mixed feelings about this book - but I’m giving it a relatively high rating because I think that, overall, it has the potential to be helpful for a lot of individuals and couples.
In fact, I think that this book would have been groundbreaking for me and my partner about 5-10 years ago. At that time, we were transitioning from the infatuation stage of our relationship into something much more secure and companionate. We were noticing the reality of (what we called at the time) our “mismatched libidos” and all of the advice online seemed to center on “just have sex and the responsive desire will happen naturally.”
Exactly as Marin points out in this book, that can be a recipe for disaster. It took us years to realize that I needed connection to feel sexual while he needed sex to feel connected (or at least he thought that he should). It took us years to realize that we could do a better job of negotiating what all “sex” could mean for us. And in those years, a lot of damage was done to my relationship with sex. It would’ve been nice to have read this book back then, so that we could have maybe come to those realizations a lot quicker and avoided some of the pain.
At the same time, I’m not entirely convinced that some of Marin’s ideas wouldn’t have just created different issues for us. And that’s for one small but glaring reason: She never truly acknowledges the potential of asexuality.
Don’t get me wrong; the word is said exactly once (where it is rather inaccurately defined as a “lifelong disinterest in sex.”) But it’s never actually approached as a serious consideration for folks. For all of the ways that Marin encourages readers to question what sex means to them, and why they think that sex has to be this perfect, spontaneous, and effortless activity… she never asks us to question why we feel pressured to have sex in the first place. Why so many folks report wanting a higher sex drive, or wanting to want sex when they don’t, or fear losing their partner if they don’t have sex enough. She never questions compulsory sexuality. In fact, she reinforces it by stating this about emotional and physical intimacy: “One can’t survive without the other in a long-term relationship.” This statement ignores so many loving and committed relationships in the world - and that breaks my heart.
So while I think this book will likely appeal to the masses of cisheteronormative couples, AND a lot of my own past experiences were justified, AND a couple ideas such as the “easy win” were inspiring or exciting… it still felt overly simplified and lacking to me. At this point in both my own journey and my partner’s journey of Queering the idea of sex and relationships, it didn’t acknowledge the complexity of our sexualities. And even when the author made a point to include gay, lesbian, or non-binary examples… it still didn’t feel truly inclusive.
June 11, 2025
I admit it, I requested this book because of the title. I already figured that it involved 1) knowing yourself, your boundaries and needs 2) quality communication with your significant other and 3) understanding your significant other, their boundaries and needs. I was curious as to the HOW the authors would get that information across and if any of their tips and tricks would be helpful to me.
I didn't see this as a sex self help/communication book so much as a communication about a delicate topic book, where the meat of the information could be applied to other relationships. It does work with that viewpoint. I chose that viewpoint because I currently do not need assistance with what the book's primary focus is. I might need that assistance in the future, so always good to have something in the back pocket for potential scenarios, but I did learn the things from this book that I was looking for and expecting.
I feel that any reader who is looking to gain some understanding about themselves and how to improve communication with others about delicate topics, this is a good book for that.
Also, they cited "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, one of my all-time favorite books in this genre. So props to the authors doing their homework. The audio book was co-narrated by the authors, who are married to one another. It wasn't bad, though when it switched from one to the other, I sometimes had to mess with the volume.
The book seemed to be inclusive of different lifestyles, so not all one thing. The authors didn't claim to be inclusive about everything, but that they tried to have differing viewpoints where possible.
4, non-salacious and informative, stars.
My thanks to NetGalley, S&S/Simon Element, libro.fm and Simon & Schuster Audio for an eARC/ALC of this book to read/listen to and review.
I didn't see this as a sex self help/communication book so much as a communication about a delicate topic book, where the meat of the information could be applied to other relationships. It does work with that viewpoint. I chose that viewpoint because I currently do not need assistance with what the book's primary focus is. I might need that assistance in the future, so always good to have something in the back pocket for potential scenarios, but I did learn the things from this book that I was looking for and expecting.
I feel that any reader who is looking to gain some understanding about themselves and how to improve communication with others about delicate topics, this is a good book for that.
Also, they cited "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, one of my all-time favorite books in this genre. So props to the authors doing their homework. The audio book was co-narrated by the authors, who are married to one another. It wasn't bad, though when it switched from one to the other, I sometimes had to mess with the volume.
The book seemed to be inclusive of different lifestyles, so not all one thing. The authors didn't claim to be inclusive about everything, but that they tried to have differing viewpoints where possible.
4, non-salacious and informative, stars.
My thanks to NetGalley, S&S/Simon Element, libro.fm and Simon & Schuster Audio for an eARC/ALC of this book to read/listen to and review.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 17, 2023
An extremely readable and practical guide to having conversations with your significant other about sex. Makes an effort to be inclusive and the dual perspectives from Vanessa and Xander are useful and humorous. Would make a good companion book to Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagowski.
April 13, 2023
Too millennial. Basic info. Not slay
March 10, 2023
Ok hear me out on this one.. this is NOT my typical read. However, I follow the authors on Instagram and I think they are hilarious. A friend recommended their account a long time ago and I had no idea it was an account about sex and other similar topics. But over time, I learned that I liked their content. They are funny, tell funny stories, answer questions and offer some really great advice (not just about sex).
This book truly reflects their personalities and passion. It is not just a book about sex. It's really interesting and cites different studies throughout. I will preface this review by saying I have nothing to compare this to because I haven't read any books of this type/genre before.
The book uses real life examples to initiatie the conversations within the pages. There are talking points to help you address typical relationship problems in your own life. There are conversations starters for so many topics!
The authors believe that you should nurture your relationship vs. waiting until it's dying to try to save it. They offer so much advice within the pages to help you keep the spark alive. Yes, Vanessa, is a sex therapist. However, this book goes beyond just sex. It's about intimacy, connection, love AND sex. If you're looking for a book that is going to tell you how to have sex and what positions to use, this isn't it.
I highly recommend giving it a read. It will help you realize what's important with your partner, connection! I felt like I was better able to connect with my partner on an emotional level while reading this and look forward to using some of the talking points too!
10/10 for the real self help 👏
This book truly reflects their personalities and passion. It is not just a book about sex. It's really interesting and cites different studies throughout. I will preface this review by saying I have nothing to compare this to because I haven't read any books of this type/genre before.
The book uses real life examples to initiatie the conversations within the pages. There are talking points to help you address typical relationship problems in your own life. There are conversations starters for so many topics!
The authors believe that you should nurture your relationship vs. waiting until it's dying to try to save it. They offer so much advice within the pages to help you keep the spark alive. Yes, Vanessa, is a sex therapist. However, this book goes beyond just sex. It's about intimacy, connection, love AND sex. If you're looking for a book that is going to tell you how to have sex and what positions to use, this isn't it.
I highly recommend giving it a read. It will help you realize what's important with your partner, connection! I felt like I was better able to connect with my partner on an emotional level while reading this and look forward to using some of the talking points too!
10/10 for the real self help 👏
June 11, 2023
Fairly good book, but not a replacement for counseling. The five conversations are fine.
I really struggle with the use of the term 'cis' and 'cisgender'. I consider myself an 'ally' to the LGBT community, but find that term unnecessary and argumentative strictly for a 1/250 minority. Man or woman is fine in 249/250 cases. As a society, it's okay to add trans when needing the extreme rare case.
I wanted to focus on the book, but it's difficult to get past for me. And if the book has taught me anything, it is that it is okay for me to not like the use of the terms cis and cisgender.
I really struggle with the use of the term 'cis' and 'cisgender'. I consider myself an 'ally' to the LGBT community, but find that term unnecessary and argumentative strictly for a 1/250 minority. Man or woman is fine in 249/250 cases. As a society, it's okay to add trans when needing the extreme rare case.
I wanted to focus on the book, but it's difficult to get past for me. And if the book has taught me anything, it is that it is okay for me to not like the use of the terms cis and cisgender.
July 9, 2024
Read for my sex therapy class. It was fun and easy to read, and has nuggets of helpful information for everyone, not just those having sexual/intimacy problems in their relationship (which is who the book is geared towards).
March 3, 2024
This book was full of helpful advice and was easy to read. I think this could be beneficial for anyone in a relationship…it not only has advice regarding your sex life, it has helpful information about communicating with your partner in general. It does a great job highlighting the differences of how people feel/perceive things, and was a good reminder to not assume your partner can read your mind or feels the same way you do. Humans are all so different and complex!!
February 28, 2024
A simple read and the 5 conversations are clear and helpful. However, I found other books on the topic more profound such as Come As You Are (more science-based), and the Great Sex Rescue (theology-based) and would recommend those before this one. Love their Instagram content though!
April 1, 2024
This was a fast and educational read - very informative, real, to the point, and also funny.
For me, this book brought three kinds of advice (with examples) to the table:
- ways to have conversations about sex with your partner.
- behaviors to maintain, improve, or initiate both physical and emotional intimacy
- effective communication skills
If you’re the type who typically eschews “self help” books, this is one you might want to check out. It’s not preachy or dry like some of those books can be. It also has a good format with lots of subheaders and bullet points, rather than long paragraphs of advice. Highly recommend to anyone who has sex, or talks about relationships/sex with others, or might have sex in the future, or is generally interested in learning more about effective communication between people.
For me, this book brought three kinds of advice (with examples) to the table:
- ways to have conversations about sex with your partner.
- behaviors to maintain, improve, or initiate both physical and emotional intimacy
- effective communication skills
If you’re the type who typically eschews “self help” books, this is one you might want to check out. It’s not preachy or dry like some of those books can be. It also has a good format with lots of subheaders and bullet points, rather than long paragraphs of advice. Highly recommend to anyone who has sex, or talks about relationships/sex with others, or might have sex in the future, or is generally interested in learning more about effective communication between people.
April 2, 2024
Helpful resource for clients! Had to read it myself so I could recommend it.
October 25, 2023
*3.5 rounded up
This was a very helpful book. The reason I didn’t rate it higher was because a lot of the research in the book was first written elsewhere (Nagoski’s “Come As You Are” and the Five Love Languages), so a lot of it wasn’t new for me.
This book does do very well as a practical guide for conversations to have with your partner about your communication and sex life. I think it would be most helpful read in-tandem with your partner. I solo-read it and came away with good insights, but would need to revisit it as a handbook with my spouse to implement some of it together.
I did feel like listening to many of the couples’ stories made me feel seen and also like difficulties in my sex life were widely experienced and that overcoming them was not insurmountable! I liked “Come As You Are” better as an individual sex exploration and awareness book, but this one would be better used in a partnership (which is what it was written/marketed for).
This was a very helpful book. The reason I didn’t rate it higher was because a lot of the research in the book was first written elsewhere (Nagoski’s “Come As You Are” and the Five Love Languages), so a lot of it wasn’t new for me.
This book does do very well as a practical guide for conversations to have with your partner about your communication and sex life. I think it would be most helpful read in-tandem with your partner. I solo-read it and came away with good insights, but would need to revisit it as a handbook with my spouse to implement some of it together.
I did feel like listening to many of the couples’ stories made me feel seen and also like difficulties in my sex life were widely experienced and that overcoming them was not insurmountable! I liked “Come As You Are” better as an individual sex exploration and awareness book, but this one would be better used in a partnership (which is what it was written/marketed for).
February 26, 2023
I will say that I went into this book with pretty low expectations. I follow this couple on IG and figured I already heard their advice and this book would be nothing new. I am so happy to say that I was very wrong. This book explains everything in such a way that I finally truly understood the crux of it all, instead of just hearing the highlights without the ability to actually internalize and take action on this new information. This book truly helped me understand my partner better, and gave me the precise words I need to use when communicating with him. I recommend this book to everyone who wants to understand their partner’s perspective on sex and wants a more fulfilling sex life. I think every single person could glean something from this.
March 11, 2023
I picked up this book to support one of my favorite Instagram accounts, VM Therapy (Vanessa+Xander). They wrote a book and were desperately trying to get in the NYT bestseller list. Their IG account and Podcast has had a profound impact on my relationship so I wanted to support them. I took a lot of notes and picked up some good tidbits along the way to share with my husband. A lot of the content is covered in their IG/Podcast but the book goes more in depth into the conversations and communication aspect of relationships which everyone can benefit from.
January 15, 2024
I really enjoy reading sex and relationship books (honestly any and all 'self help' books) and honestly, this is one of the best I've read so far.
This book is great for anyone and everyone no matter your relationship status, sexual orientation, gender, or where you are on your sex/relationship/self love journey.
It is relatable, practical, and inclusive.
This book covers a vast array of different examples that many couples (and people) struggle with. It does focus on 'couples,' but I truly believe that the tips and teachings can be used in various facets of relationships.
This book is great for anyone and everyone no matter your relationship status, sexual orientation, gender, or where you are on your sex/relationship/self love journey.
It is relatable, practical, and inclusive.
This book covers a vast array of different examples that many couples (and people) struggle with. It does focus on 'couples,' but I truly believe that the tips and teachings can be used in various facets of relationships.
March 15, 2023
This was great. Even more than a book about sex, it’s a book about relationships and communication. The advice is super approachable and there is something for everyone no matter what season your relationship is in. I also recommend their podcast episodes on mental load and being childfree. The rest of my review would be TMI so I’m stopping here.
February 25, 2023
I thought this was funny, informative, and user friendly. Loved that they didn't stick to heteronormative narratives and that they were open about sex in a way that felt safe and not judgemental.
December 1, 2023
Just like the Vagina Bible by Dr. Jen Gunter, I think this should be a mandatory read for everyone. Not only did I very much enjoy getting both Vanessa Marin’s and her partner Xander’s perspective, Vanessa offers real practical advice and tips on how to approach certain concepts or conversations. A lot of this advice transcends intimate conversations and can be applied to all aspects of a relationship, romantic or platonic. I listened to this as an audiobook but I will be purchasing a physical copy to re-read. I highly recommend this book for everyone.
November 23, 2024
Been reading this book for the past year bc it’s a “read at home” book, not a “take on vacation, sitting on the beach” book. And also I read the hard copy instead of listening so took me wayyy longer- but I liked it that way. Little doses of healthy relationship advice consistently for almost a year has been amazing! I love how this book is about sex, but actually it’s about conversation and connection with your partner. This is will be a continual read for me.
July 5, 2024
I feel like this book would be a great place for partners to start if they want to become more sex positive. However, it would probably be better as a physical book than an audio book. And honestly, could’ve been shorter.
I liked how the husband gave “the other side” comments. It was nice hearing a male voice in a book like this
My main complaint was with the data that this book gave. Yes the author is a therapist but most of the data came from instragram polls that her audience took. It’s frustrating since I know the data is out there and she could’ve used more reliable sources
I liked how the husband gave “the other side” comments. It was nice hearing a male voice in a book like this
My main complaint was with the data that this book gave. Yes the author is a therapist but most of the data came from instragram polls that her audience took. It’s frustrating since I know the data is out there and she could’ve used more reliable sources
April 2, 2024
Everyone should hear what they have to say on the topic no matter where you are in your relationship. The communication advice was very helpful and fun!
May 16, 2024
Overall: ☆☆☆☆ (4.0)
Writing style: ☆☆☆☆
Entertainment ☆☆☆☆
Facts:☆☆☆☆
Topic:☆☆☆☆
Ending:☆☆☆☆
Writing style: ☆☆☆☆
Entertainment ☆☆☆☆
Facts:☆☆☆☆
Topic:☆☆☆☆
Ending:☆☆☆☆
August 30, 2023
I would recommend this to anyone!
December 19, 2024
SO GOOD. lots of good conversations to have, ways to address them, and encouragement in pursuing intimacy and vulnerability with your partner for a bettering sex life!! very practical and helpful
June 8, 2024
Love their podcast & getting to support their first book!
March 20, 2023
This book was really good. It reads more like a workbook. If you are looking to get the most benefit from it- I would be read and take notes. It isn't really a passive read.
September 20, 2023
Been a hot topic at work lately. Have always talked about the importance of opening the dialogue but was helpful to have more concrete goals for discussion.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 492 reviews