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Devout: A Memoir of Doubt
An eye-opening memoir that reconciles the author’s bipolar disorder diagnosis and her Evangelical faith to create a new framework for which to live.
In this revelatory memoir seeking to bridge the gap between science and spirituality, Anna Gazmarian tells the story of how her Evangelical upbringing in Winston Salem, North Carolina, provided an inadequate framework to understand the mental health diagnosis she received, and the work she had to do to find proper medical treatment while also maintaining her faith.
When Anna is diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2011, she’s faced with a while the diagnosis provides clarity about her manic and depressive episodes, growing up in an Evangelical community means that her diagnosis is regarded as an affliction of the spirit rather than a medical condition. In the next ten years, we follow Anna on her journey to reframe her understanding of mental health to expand the limits of what her religious faith can offer.
In a society that pits our devotion to a higher power against a belief in medicine, A Memoir of Doubt is a necessary narrative to show that the pursuit in our mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being is all governed by faith, and our fear of falling short makes us all human.
In this revelatory memoir seeking to bridge the gap between science and spirituality, Anna Gazmarian tells the story of how her Evangelical upbringing in Winston Salem, North Carolina, provided an inadequate framework to understand the mental health diagnosis she received, and the work she had to do to find proper medical treatment while also maintaining her faith.
When Anna is diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2011, she’s faced with a while the diagnosis provides clarity about her manic and depressive episodes, growing up in an Evangelical community means that her diagnosis is regarded as an affliction of the spirit rather than a medical condition. In the next ten years, we follow Anna on her journey to reframe her understanding of mental health to expand the limits of what her religious faith can offer.
In a society that pits our devotion to a higher power against a belief in medicine, A Memoir of Doubt is a necessary narrative to show that the pursuit in our mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual well-being is all governed by faith, and our fear of falling short makes us all human.
192 pages, Hardcover
First published March 12, 2024
38 people are currently reading
1478 people want to read
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October 29, 2023
We've come to expect a certain sense of drama when it comes to memoirs centered around mental health, a sort of chaos meets crisis narrative arc.
Yet, as I was winding down my time with Anna Gazmarian's "Devout: A Memoir of Doubt," I was truck by a sense of almost eerie calm.
It was unusual, really. It was surprising. To be honest, it was a little jarring. It wasn't that Gazmarian hadn't invited me into her world, especially her world of the past 10-12 years after she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Type 2, in 2011. She had. She writes with honesty and vulnerability throughout "Devout."
I have read quite a few memoirs dealing around aspects of faith and mental health, a fact partly owing to my own background and partly owing to having lost my wife to suicide. In most cases, these memoirs may be beautifully written but I often find that they center themselves around an almost cosmetic view of faith or, alternately, the trauma and drama of the mental health diagnosis.
Both are valuable. Both are necessary.
Yet, with "Devout" I am struck by how centered it is around Anna herself. There's a difference and it feels profound. It feels as if "Devout" lays the groundwork for how one should write about mental health and faith, disability and faith, trauma and faith and so on.
While there's certainly trauma here and certainly drama here, "Devout" finds its narrative power through the lens of Anna's constant searching for her own life's meaning, for human connection, and for how to reconcile her faith with a mental health diagnosis she was raised being told was an affliction of the spirit.
As a paraplegic/double amputee with spina bifida (and a very recent two-time cancer survivor), I resonated deeply with Anna's struggle to balance her deep faith, which is evident throughout, and a diagnosis that doesn't look or feel like the pretty pictures we're sold about what a life of faith will look like.
I have been told more times than I can count that my various afflictions are the result of a lack of faith, a spiritual affliction, or I have had people shake their heads at me because I refuse to simply gloss over it all because, well, Jesus. You know?
Somehow, Gazmarian paints a beautiful portrait of her faith journey yet an equally honest and beautiful portrait of her journey toward learning to live faithfully with a mental health diagnosis. She shares the struggles with those who don't understand, the joys of experiencing those who do, the poignancy of finding meaningful relationships, and the power of leaning into your dreams despite the uncertainty of them all.
I so often finish books like "Doubt" with a sense of melancholy. With "Devout," I experienced the author's highs and lows but also her constant sense of wonder, hope, perseverance, and faith. In fact, I'd dare say that as the final pages arrived I was immersed in an absolutely remarkable sense of faith.
The real power of "Devout" sneaks up on you. It's in the days that follow reading "Devout" that you begin to realize how much it has crept into your heart and into your mind. "Devout" may be a memoir of doubt, but it is most certainly an affirmation of love and hope and faith and the glorious imperfections that connect us all.
Yet, as I was winding down my time with Anna Gazmarian's "Devout: A Memoir of Doubt," I was truck by a sense of almost eerie calm.
It was unusual, really. It was surprising. To be honest, it was a little jarring. It wasn't that Gazmarian hadn't invited me into her world, especially her world of the past 10-12 years after she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Type 2, in 2011. She had. She writes with honesty and vulnerability throughout "Devout."
I have read quite a few memoirs dealing around aspects of faith and mental health, a fact partly owing to my own background and partly owing to having lost my wife to suicide. In most cases, these memoirs may be beautifully written but I often find that they center themselves around an almost cosmetic view of faith or, alternately, the trauma and drama of the mental health diagnosis.
Both are valuable. Both are necessary.
Yet, with "Devout" I am struck by how centered it is around Anna herself. There's a difference and it feels profound. It feels as if "Devout" lays the groundwork for how one should write about mental health and faith, disability and faith, trauma and faith and so on.
While there's certainly trauma here and certainly drama here, "Devout" finds its narrative power through the lens of Anna's constant searching for her own life's meaning, for human connection, and for how to reconcile her faith with a mental health diagnosis she was raised being told was an affliction of the spirit.
As a paraplegic/double amputee with spina bifida (and a very recent two-time cancer survivor), I resonated deeply with Anna's struggle to balance her deep faith, which is evident throughout, and a diagnosis that doesn't look or feel like the pretty pictures we're sold about what a life of faith will look like.
I have been told more times than I can count that my various afflictions are the result of a lack of faith, a spiritual affliction, or I have had people shake their heads at me because I refuse to simply gloss over it all because, well, Jesus. You know?
Somehow, Gazmarian paints a beautiful portrait of her faith journey yet an equally honest and beautiful portrait of her journey toward learning to live faithfully with a mental health diagnosis. She shares the struggles with those who don't understand, the joys of experiencing those who do, the poignancy of finding meaningful relationships, and the power of leaning into your dreams despite the uncertainty of them all.
I so often finish books like "Doubt" with a sense of melancholy. With "Devout," I experienced the author's highs and lows but also her constant sense of wonder, hope, perseverance, and faith. In fact, I'd dare say that as the final pages arrived I was immersed in an absolutely remarkable sense of faith.
The real power of "Devout" sneaks up on you. It's in the days that follow reading "Devout" that you begin to realize how much it has crept into your heart and into your mind. "Devout" may be a memoir of doubt, but it is most certainly an affirmation of love and hope and faith and the glorious imperfections that connect us all.
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May 12, 2024This is how you write about your crisis of faith or about faith in general without coming across as preachy and ostentatious.
I'm not going to give a star rating because I don't give star ratings to memoirs but I would absolutely recommend this book if you're interested in the intersection of religious trauma and mental illness.
I'm not going to give a star rating because I don't give star ratings to memoirs but I would absolutely recommend this book if you're interested in the intersection of religious trauma and mental illness.
September 16, 2023
In Devout, Anna Gazmarian reexamines the Bible and her Evangelical upbringing through the lens of bipolar disease to uncover both the violations and gifts of the religious tradition from which she emerged. A smart and searching account of one woman’s journey away from inherited shame and into the light of love.
February 28, 2024
I was so excited to read this ARC I started reading it as soon as I got approved. As someone who has dealt with mental health issues as well as religious trauma; I thought it would really resonate with me. Unfortunately, it was a 2 star read for me. DNF at 54%
The book felt like something a college student would write as an essay for class; or as a dissertation. It felt too dry. I wanted more emotion.
I was not expecting the numerous (and often detailed) biblical stories. I know a major plot point was regarding faith and religion, but I think the audience would already know of the stories (Moses, Job, etc).
Some parts felt disconnected or unclear. I wanted to understand why/how her doctor came up with her diagnosis. I think it's important to give more context regarding the diagnosis and process.
The book felt like something a college student would write as an essay for class; or as a dissertation. It felt too dry. I wanted more emotion.
I was not expecting the numerous (and often detailed) biblical stories. I know a major plot point was regarding faith and religion, but I think the audience would already know of the stories (Moses, Job, etc).
Some parts felt disconnected or unclear. I wanted to understand why/how her doctor came up with her diagnosis. I think it's important to give more context regarding the diagnosis and process.
November 7, 2023
ARC for review. TBP March 12, 2024.
Anna Gazmarian spent the early part of her life trying to reconcile her diagnosis of bipolar disorder with her membership in the Evangelical church. It was not always easy, and she met with some rejection from some key members of her spiritual journey.
While reading I had to remind myself that this was not intended to be an expose of the church and that the author was looking for acceptance within its ranks. For someone like me who generally looks at Evangelicals as “others” I had to keep reminding myself of this.
Likewise, Gazmarian uses a great deal of Scripture throughout the book and she certainly knows her Bible. However, this won’t necessarily resonate with readers who don’t have a Bible verse for every problem.
All that said, I liked the book. The author struggles, but never gives up on herself, even when things are bleak. She had several good mentors along the way and she also manages to meet the perfect man, so she’s got that going for her. Overall I admired her spirit, and even though this book likely wasn’t directed toward readers liked me I still enjoyed it.
Anna Gazmarian spent the early part of her life trying to reconcile her diagnosis of bipolar disorder with her membership in the Evangelical church. It was not always easy, and she met with some rejection from some key members of her spiritual journey.
While reading I had to remind myself that this was not intended to be an expose of the church and that the author was looking for acceptance within its ranks. For someone like me who generally looks at Evangelicals as “others” I had to keep reminding myself of this.
Likewise, Gazmarian uses a great deal of Scripture throughout the book and she certainly knows her Bible. However, this won’t necessarily resonate with readers who don’t have a Bible verse for every problem.
All that said, I liked the book. The author struggles, but never gives up on herself, even when things are bleak. She had several good mentors along the way and she also manages to meet the perfect man, so she’s got that going for her. Overall I admired her spirit, and even though this book likely wasn’t directed toward readers liked me I still enjoyed it.
January 24, 2024
Gazmarian’s faith was the center of her upbringing. As a child (and even in to her adult years) however, she struggled with doubt—not a doubt in faith itself but a doubt that her faith wasn’t everything that it should be. As a freshman in college, determined to be a good Christian, she was re-baptized hoping to erase any doubts that lingered. When she then became forgetful, depressed, and suicidal, more doubts began to pop up and she struggled with how to cope within the scope of her faith—where suicidal ideation was viewed as the work of the devil. With no other options, she visits a doctor who gives her a shiny new diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
Gazmarian takes readers along for the ride as she navigates her new diagnosis and what it means in terms of her faith—ultimately unlearning many things that were ingrained in to her. She writes with humble honesty using sharp, clear prose.
This book is a testament of courage and resiliency. I believe that a good book is a book that can make you feel something and is an added bonus if it challenges your beliefs or makes you look at something in a different light. This memoir did both of those things for me and I loved it.
Thank you NetGalley for my digital copy! Out 03/12/2024
Gazmarian takes readers along for the ride as she navigates her new diagnosis and what it means in terms of her faith—ultimately unlearning many things that were ingrained in to her. She writes with humble honesty using sharp, clear prose.
This book is a testament of courage and resiliency. I believe that a good book is a book that can make you feel something and is an added bonus if it challenges your beliefs or makes you look at something in a different light. This memoir did both of those things for me and I loved it.
Thank you NetGalley for my digital copy! Out 03/12/2024
December 25, 2023
Full disclosure: Anna's my friend. I had a front row seat to seeing her write and revise this book. So, you could say I'm partial to her, and to her debut memoir. Make of that what you will.
The great theologian Rowan Williams has argued that the best arguments for God's existence aren't arguments at all; if you want to see whether there's anything to this "God" idea, you should look to the lives of certain people, people who take responsibility for making God trustworthy in the world. Up against typical arguments against theism — the suffering of innocents, a world littered with injustices, the inescapability of death — you can still find people who live, in the midst of these realities, with a sense of trust.
I list Anna Gazmarian among them. This little book — highly readable, at turns funny and shattering — is a testimony of striving toward the light even when the author herself can't see it, a witness to the fact that there is still something to this "God" thing, even when the truth of God's love has been obscured by bad theology. Anna finds her way home not mainly through theology, or biblical exegesis, or logical proofs about God's true nature; she finds it through a spirituality that is truly incarnational, the love of God made tangible in the relationships that lift and sustain her. In this sense, she's not offering easy answers; hers is a faith that requires direct experience of the doubts of the dark night as well as the consolations of faith, the Cross as well as the empty tomb.
In any event, I hope you'll read this book. I'm proud of Anna. I'm also grateful for her — her faith and her doubts, and her willingness take us through the depths of her own despair to show us that there is still reason to rejoice.
The great theologian Rowan Williams has argued that the best arguments for God's existence aren't arguments at all; if you want to see whether there's anything to this "God" idea, you should look to the lives of certain people, people who take responsibility for making God trustworthy in the world. Up against typical arguments against theism — the suffering of innocents, a world littered with injustices, the inescapability of death — you can still find people who live, in the midst of these realities, with a sense of trust.
I list Anna Gazmarian among them. This little book — highly readable, at turns funny and shattering — is a testimony of striving toward the light even when the author herself can't see it, a witness to the fact that there is still something to this "God" thing, even when the truth of God's love has been obscured by bad theology. Anna finds her way home not mainly through theology, or biblical exegesis, or logical proofs about God's true nature; she finds it through a spirituality that is truly incarnational, the love of God made tangible in the relationships that lift and sustain her. In this sense, she's not offering easy answers; hers is a faith that requires direct experience of the doubts of the dark night as well as the consolations of faith, the Cross as well as the empty tomb.
In any event, I hope you'll read this book. I'm proud of Anna. I'm also grateful for her — her faith and her doubts, and her willingness take us through the depths of her own despair to show us that there is still reason to rejoice.
September 1, 2024
[3.5]
This kinda snuck up on me. For one, it’s incredibly easy to read and being a slow-ish reader, I was surprised at how fast I read this. To be honest, I thought it felt a bit dry and lacking substance and I wanted to know more detail about what was happening, but to paraphrase another reviewer, I left the book with an odd sense of calm I wouldn’t have expected. The whole thing feels (in a good way) like it lacks drama. I thought at first that many of the traumas were being wrapped too neatly with a nice little bow, but leaving the book I realize that Anna didn’t write this book to vent, but to show the beauty she has found in piecing her faith back together. Things move fast but only because she writes in such an accessible way. She doesn’t over-embellish the struggle of mental-illness, doubt, and evangelical trauma, but she also doesn’t skirt over it. I related to much of what Anna talks about here, and I think if I had read this when I was 18 or 19, it would have really put words to a lot of the things I felt then. Instead, it made me feel confident to give this to someone feeling the things I was 4 or 5 years ago.
Overall, by the end of the book, I felt a new sense of openness that I could peel open towards church instead of the bitterness I often feel walking through the doors of my local evangelical church. I feel permission to church shop, but that it is also important to recognize my own biases and pride while looking for community within the church.
Happy I read it:)
This kinda snuck up on me. For one, it’s incredibly easy to read and being a slow-ish reader, I was surprised at how fast I read this. To be honest, I thought it felt a bit dry and lacking substance and I wanted to know more detail about what was happening, but to paraphrase another reviewer, I left the book with an odd sense of calm I wouldn’t have expected. The whole thing feels (in a good way) like it lacks drama. I thought at first that many of the traumas were being wrapped too neatly with a nice little bow, but leaving the book I realize that Anna didn’t write this book to vent, but to show the beauty she has found in piecing her faith back together. Things move fast but only because she writes in such an accessible way. She doesn’t over-embellish the struggle of mental-illness, doubt, and evangelical trauma, but she also doesn’t skirt over it. I related to much of what Anna talks about here, and I think if I had read this when I was 18 or 19, it would have really put words to a lot of the things I felt then. Instead, it made me feel confident to give this to someone feeling the things I was 4 or 5 years ago.
Overall, by the end of the book, I felt a new sense of openness that I could peel open towards church instead of the bitterness I often feel walking through the doors of my local evangelical church. I feel permission to church shop, but that it is also important to recognize my own biases and pride while looking for community within the church.
Happy I read it:)
September 15, 2024
When Anna Gazmarian is given her mental health diagnosis, she's immediately conflicted as it goes against everything she's learned growing up in the evangelical Christian church. Is she not praying hard enough? Is she being punished by God for something? Does she need to "get right" with God? In Devout, Anna takes us through an authentic account of her struggle managing her psychological treatment, while also trying to find out how it all fits in with her faith. I found Anna's writing engaging and clear, and I found myself nodding as she described situations that happened in different churches, as I too have had a good amount of experience with the platitudes of evangelicals. I believe this memoir is a fair assessment and shines a light on the lack of inclusion and openness of the evangelical church to address disability directly, especially mental health, and take treatment seriously.
*Thank you to the publishers and Netgalley for an advanced copy of this book.
*Thank you to the publishers and Netgalley for an advanced copy of this book.
May 24, 2024
This is the authors account of her reckoning with her bipolar diagnosis and her relationship with the evangelical church. It’s a shame, churches don’t understand mental illness, and try to relate it to the devil’s work. A woman diagnosed with bipolar disorder, has a lifespan 12 years shorter than her counterpart. Anna works hard to treat her mental illness and find a place in her faith. Thank you @simonbooks #simonbooksbuddy #freebooks #devoutbook #bipolarawareness #mentalillnessawareness #annagazmarian
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March 8, 2024
Thank you Book Club Favorites, Simon & Schuster, and Simon Audio for my #gifted copy of Devout!
𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐭: 𝐀 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐢𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐭
𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫: 𝐀𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐆𝐚𝐳𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐧
𝐍𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫: 𝐑𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐥 𝐋𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠
𝐏𝐮𝐛 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞: 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝟏𝟐, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒
Devout, a memoir, written by Anna Gazmarian, helps to bridge the gap between science and spirituality. With an Evangelical upbringing in North Carolina, Gazmarian struggled to understand her own mental health diagnosis, which is regarded as an affliction of the spirit rather than a medical condition. When she is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, we follow Gazmarian on her journey as she begins to better understand her own mental health and how that coincides with her religious beliefs.
I found this book to be beautifully written. The author provided such a raw and truthful look at her life, her mental health, and her faith. This was my first memoir that dealt with both mental health and faith, and I really enjoyed the perspective from the author and I feel like I was able to learn and reflect quite a bit while listening to this book.
I listened to the audiobook, narrated by Rachel Leblang. I feel as though Leblang did an exceptional job with her performance and I really enjoyed my listening experience. While the audiobook is fairly quick, at just over 4.5 hours, the impact is long-lasting. I definitely recommend picking this one up on audio!
𝐓𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞: 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐭: 𝐀 𝐌𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐢𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐭
𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫: 𝐀𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐆𝐚𝐳𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐧
𝐍𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫: 𝐑𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐥 𝐋𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠
𝐏𝐮𝐛 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞: 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝟏𝟐, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒
Devout, a memoir, written by Anna Gazmarian, helps to bridge the gap between science and spirituality. With an Evangelical upbringing in North Carolina, Gazmarian struggled to understand her own mental health diagnosis, which is regarded as an affliction of the spirit rather than a medical condition. When she is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, we follow Gazmarian on her journey as she begins to better understand her own mental health and how that coincides with her religious beliefs.
I found this book to be beautifully written. The author provided such a raw and truthful look at her life, her mental health, and her faith. This was my first memoir that dealt with both mental health and faith, and I really enjoyed the perspective from the author and I feel like I was able to learn and reflect quite a bit while listening to this book.
I listened to the audiobook, narrated by Rachel Leblang. I feel as though Leblang did an exceptional job with her performance and I really enjoyed my listening experience. While the audiobook is fairly quick, at just over 4.5 hours, the impact is long-lasting. I definitely recommend picking this one up on audio!
Read
June 5, 2025this memoir had so many thoughts and perspectives that i have needed to hear for so long, and the story resonated with me for multiple reasons.
August 3, 2024
I think Gazmarian is absolutely right that chirpy Evangelicalism isn't able to adequately address suffering, and I am sorry that she has been treated so poorly by it. I was expecting her to say more about how Christian theology helped or didn't help her make sense of her mental health diagnosis and struggles, but it stays on a very surface level, with pastors and small groups disappointing or supporting her in various ways. The events of her life so far are so common (trouble adjusting in college, being depressed after a breakup, having an influential poetry professor, being hurt by Evangelical culture) that turning it into a memoir felt a little preemptive. She seems to lack a historical theological understanding that I think she might find very meaningful, and I get the sense that she feels alone and pioneering in trying to understand depression and suffering within Christianity, instead of recognizing herself as one in a great tradition of doing so.
June 24, 2024
⭐️/5
I really don’t like to rate memoirs but I feel like I have to for this one so that people don’t get misled like I did.
I expected this memoir to focus more on Bipolar Disorder and its effects on the individuals life. That was not what this was. Yes, there was discussion of Bipolar and the manic episodes this author would have, but it was more on the back burner than anything else. This felt to me like a woman writing her story about her faith and her journey in her faith, with a dash of “I’m bipolar” being thrown into it. I was clearly not the intended audience for this one. There’s nothing wrong with religion and faith, but I’m not someone who is religious so this was not my cup of tea. I finished it because it was so short, it felt wrong not to. The amount of discussions about God, Faith, and the describing of Biblical stories, was overbearing, making it the forefront of this story as opposed to what it’s advertised as being about; mental health and Bipolar Disorder.
If you’re someone who is faith based, maybe this is the book for you. I, however, was very disappointed and felt like I wasted my time.
November 15, 2024
This book touched deep places in me.
Reading it made me feel less crazy, less alone, more seen and known through the author’s journey of faith and mental health. It was beautifully written, and left me feeling grateful that other humans go through pain, trauma (religious, mental, etc)and deep dark times and still see the beauty in small things, joy in life, and the love of God.
Definitely in my top three books I’ve read this year.
Go read it.
Reading it made me feel less crazy, less alone, more seen and known through the author’s journey of faith and mental health. It was beautifully written, and left me feeling grateful that other humans go through pain, trauma (religious, mental, etc)and deep dark times and still see the beauty in small things, joy in life, and the love of God.
Definitely in my top three books I’ve read this year.
Go read it.
September 2, 2024
a refreshing read of simplicity surrounding one’s faith and mental health journey. it felt blatantly honest and hopeful, and reminds readers that we don’t need all the answers.
September 6, 2024
A well written memoir. I’m so excited to see the author come speak at my university this fall. As someone who (sort of) grew up in the evangelical tradition, this was a good read.
June 25, 2024
In DEVOUT, Anna Gazmarian tells her story of growing up as an evangelical Christian, being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and how exhausting it was to be open about her struggles within Christian spaces.
I felt a sort of kinship with this author because she lives in Winston-Salem, NC (in Eastern NC, where I'm from) and has had a complicated relationship with the Church. Because of this kinship, I for once hesitated to review a memoir, but I want to be honest about why I believe it could've been executed a lot better.
The problem isn't the premise—this memoir didn't come together very well because the writing is so detached. It felt disconnected, lacking in emotion and the type of introspection I'd expect from a professional writer (versus a celebrity memoir). The book is billed as a "memoir of doubt," but it barely goes into doubt at all. Instead, it's filled with stories of the author's interactions with people in her life, details on the various medications she tried, and her musings on a few Bible stories.
I appreciate Gazmarian's vulnerability and have a lot of respect for her story in itself. But as someone who reads a lot of memoirs, I believe they require both show and tell to make the story as moving and engaging as it can be. There is a lot of "tell" here, and the book reads like someone is casually recounting something that happened to them with little detail, creative flair, or emotional depth. There's so much that could have been explored—how she dealt with faith and science in light of her diagnosis, at what point her view of the Church shifted, how and why she found her way back, why exactly the logical fallacies she was up against are, in fact, logical fallacies, etc.
Gazmarian's mental health struggles and diagnosis no doubt caused her to question her faith and fall into isolation, but that isn't examined in any meaningful detail in DEVOUT. Bad theology made her search for community and understanding so much harder, and this book was a missed opportunity to correct some wrongs. I'd still recommend this book to those who are interested in a broad overview of life with bipolar disorder from a Christian perspective, but I can't help but wish it went so much further.
*This review is based on a digital ARC provided by the publisher. All opinions are 100% my own.
Content warnings: Suicidal ideation, mental illness, ableism
I felt a sort of kinship with this author because she lives in Winston-Salem, NC (in Eastern NC, where I'm from) and has had a complicated relationship with the Church. Because of this kinship, I for once hesitated to review a memoir, but I want to be honest about why I believe it could've been executed a lot better.
The problem isn't the premise—this memoir didn't come together very well because the writing is so detached. It felt disconnected, lacking in emotion and the type of introspection I'd expect from a professional writer (versus a celebrity memoir). The book is billed as a "memoir of doubt," but it barely goes into doubt at all. Instead, it's filled with stories of the author's interactions with people in her life, details on the various medications she tried, and her musings on a few Bible stories.
I appreciate Gazmarian's vulnerability and have a lot of respect for her story in itself. But as someone who reads a lot of memoirs, I believe they require both show and tell to make the story as moving and engaging as it can be. There is a lot of "tell" here, and the book reads like someone is casually recounting something that happened to them with little detail, creative flair, or emotional depth. There's so much that could have been explored—how she dealt with faith and science in light of her diagnosis, at what point her view of the Church shifted, how and why she found her way back, why exactly the logical fallacies she was up against are, in fact, logical fallacies, etc.
Gazmarian's mental health struggles and diagnosis no doubt caused her to question her faith and fall into isolation, but that isn't examined in any meaningful detail in DEVOUT. Bad theology made her search for community and understanding so much harder, and this book was a missed opportunity to correct some wrongs. I'd still recommend this book to those who are interested in a broad overview of life with bipolar disorder from a Christian perspective, but I can't help but wish it went so much further.
*This review is based on a digital ARC provided by the publisher. All opinions are 100% my own.
Content warnings: Suicidal ideation, mental illness, ableism
March 29, 2024
I’m weighing the pros and cons of writing a review for this book because I typically don’t like to leave harsh reviews for memoir given the courage they take to write and how hard it is to get published.
However, this book has some big issues when it comes to psychiatry that are so antiquated, I’m shocked Simon and Shuster allowed this to be published in 2024. As someone who works in the field, I couldn’t get past this because it represents one of the most damaging subsets of psychiatry: well intentioned docs who never once stop to ask, is the treatment actually helping?
The book is rampant with anecdotes about a chemical imbalance theory of mental illness that has long been debunked, seemingly reckless and flippant mentions of medication changes, and straight up incorrect and/or questionable science. For example, bipolar is not caused by too few serotonin receptors as mentioned on page 145. But long term use of psychiatric drugs do cause receptors to downregulate as a compensatory response to the increased synaptic serotonin levels. The distinction here is important because the story revolves around the author accepting a diagnosis and for years and taking powerful drugs to deal with it. Not only is an incorrect explanation given, which is egregious on Simon & Schuster’s part, but it’s more likely that the drugs themselves were/are causing a cascade of these issues, and yet not one of her providers brought this up as a possibility. If the author explored this in real life, it wasn’t expressed in the writing. Without that key component, the book feels like it was sponsored by Big Pharma and has a strong chance of keeping people sick when in reality, polypharmacy is at least part of the problem.
The actual story, I’m sure, is more nuanced. But that is not what was in this book, and all we have is the words on the page.
However, this book has some big issues when it comes to psychiatry that are so antiquated, I’m shocked Simon and Shuster allowed this to be published in 2024. As someone who works in the field, I couldn’t get past this because it represents one of the most damaging subsets of psychiatry: well intentioned docs who never once stop to ask, is the treatment actually helping?
The book is rampant with anecdotes about a chemical imbalance theory of mental illness that has long been debunked, seemingly reckless and flippant mentions of medication changes, and straight up incorrect and/or questionable science. For example, bipolar is not caused by too few serotonin receptors as mentioned on page 145. But long term use of psychiatric drugs do cause receptors to downregulate as a compensatory response to the increased synaptic serotonin levels. The distinction here is important because the story revolves around the author accepting a diagnosis and for years and taking powerful drugs to deal with it. Not only is an incorrect explanation given, which is egregious on Simon & Schuster’s part, but it’s more likely that the drugs themselves were/are causing a cascade of these issues, and yet not one of her providers brought this up as a possibility. If the author explored this in real life, it wasn’t expressed in the writing. Without that key component, the book feels like it was sponsored by Big Pharma and has a strong chance of keeping people sick when in reality, polypharmacy is at least part of the problem.
The actual story, I’m sure, is more nuanced. But that is not what was in this book, and all we have is the words on the page.
March 9, 2024
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Devout: A Memoir of Doubt by Anna Gazmarian is a raw and honest memoir of her experience growing up in a conservative American Evangelical church and dealing with a bipolar disorder diagnosis that upends her world.
Her story starts when she is in college and receives a bipolar disorder diagnosis after years of unusual behaviors like manic episodes, obsessiveness, and depression. She seeks counsel from trusted church leaders and mentors, only to find that the comfort she hopes for feels trite and unhelpful. As a devout believer, she'd already tried the typical "Christian" ways of handling her illness - prayer, reading the Bible, and advice from pastors - but none of it made a dent and sometimes it made her feel worse. Well-meaning people told her to "cast her anxieties on Jesus!" and "just try to be happy!" Each of these encounters left her feeling unheard, misunderstood, and hopeless. Eventually, she placed herself under the care of a psychiatrist who was able to help her manage her bipolar symptoms with different cocktails of medication.
Anna Gazmarian's memoir takes us through her life up to now - through periods of deep depression and inability to function, periods of happiness and love, and her education in creative writing. Her journey is not unique, and it exposes shortcomings within the American Evangelical church system that traumatize and fail people again and again.
This book was a quick read that I finished in a day. Gazmarian's story is vitally important and one that is often overlooked or written off by evangelicals. It is easy for someone with a mental illness and diagnosis - or even just a complex problem - to feel dismissed and invalidated by the church. We need more stories like this to show that people can come through such issues and keep their faith in Jesus even if it doesn't look the same as it did before. We need more stories that show us this is ok.
I liked how she shared her experiences talking to Christians about her problems and how she felt in those moments. She gave background about various Biblical principles that led her to believe certain things and how her experience of life ultimately forced her to change her approach. I skimmed a lot of the Biblical descriptions because it was mostly things I knew already. The writing was well done, although I did sense some of the manic thought processes in a few areas - but it adds to the authenticity of her story. I think many people will feel seen when they read this. I applaud Anna Gazmarian for her bravery in sharing this open and sometimes heartbreaking tale of her life.
If you are someone who has experienced a similar situation or you want to better understand what it is like for a devout Christian believer to face a serious mental diagnosis, then you need to read Anna Gazmarian's memoir.
You can pre-order your copy coming out on March 12, 2024. Special thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for an early look at this book in exchange for my honest review.
Devout: A Memoir of Doubt by Anna Gazmarian is a raw and honest memoir of her experience growing up in a conservative American Evangelical church and dealing with a bipolar disorder diagnosis that upends her world.
Her story starts when she is in college and receives a bipolar disorder diagnosis after years of unusual behaviors like manic episodes, obsessiveness, and depression. She seeks counsel from trusted church leaders and mentors, only to find that the comfort she hopes for feels trite and unhelpful. As a devout believer, she'd already tried the typical "Christian" ways of handling her illness - prayer, reading the Bible, and advice from pastors - but none of it made a dent and sometimes it made her feel worse. Well-meaning people told her to "cast her anxieties on Jesus!" and "just try to be happy!" Each of these encounters left her feeling unheard, misunderstood, and hopeless. Eventually, she placed herself under the care of a psychiatrist who was able to help her manage her bipolar symptoms with different cocktails of medication.
Anna Gazmarian's memoir takes us through her life up to now - through periods of deep depression and inability to function, periods of happiness and love, and her education in creative writing. Her journey is not unique, and it exposes shortcomings within the American Evangelical church system that traumatize and fail people again and again.
This book was a quick read that I finished in a day. Gazmarian's story is vitally important and one that is often overlooked or written off by evangelicals. It is easy for someone with a mental illness and diagnosis - or even just a complex problem - to feel dismissed and invalidated by the church. We need more stories like this to show that people can come through such issues and keep their faith in Jesus even if it doesn't look the same as it did before. We need more stories that show us this is ok.
I liked how she shared her experiences talking to Christians about her problems and how she felt in those moments. She gave background about various Biblical principles that led her to believe certain things and how her experience of life ultimately forced her to change her approach. I skimmed a lot of the Biblical descriptions because it was mostly things I knew already. The writing was well done, although I did sense some of the manic thought processes in a few areas - but it adds to the authenticity of her story. I think many people will feel seen when they read this. I applaud Anna Gazmarian for her bravery in sharing this open and sometimes heartbreaking tale of her life.
If you are someone who has experienced a similar situation or you want to better understand what it is like for a devout Christian believer to face a serious mental diagnosis, then you need to read Anna Gazmarian's memoir.
You can pre-order your copy coming out on March 12, 2024. Special thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for an early look at this book in exchange for my honest review.
March 30, 2024
I’ve tried to write this review a few different times and it kept becoming an overshare of growing up Catholic and how much I related to that aspect of this author’s journey. To keep this from being too lengthy I will spare anyone reading this from my personal issues I continue to work through 😂.
I didn’t realize how religion focused this book was going to be, some of the stories the author shares from the Bible I recognized, others I didn’t, but there are sections where they’re quite detailed as she ties them to her own experiences as she manages her bi-polar diagnosis and her faith, and how her mental health is addressed by those around her in the Evangelical Community.
Some of this was tough to read. The author jumps around to different schools and various doctors, shared her experiences with the different medications she’s given, lists all the side effects, and the impact it has on her life and her ability to be a “normal” adult.
I think one thing I noticed about her journey while reading, is that despite her depression and her bi-polar disorder making her feel like she was alone, as she walks down the aisle at her wedding and leads a lecture for her MFA, at those big pivotal moments, she mentions all the people around her and how they’d helped her in someway during the hardest times.
I appreciated that as she got older, that she was able to find a church and a community that fit what she needed when it came to her faith. Some people leave their religion completely, she just needed to find the community that met her needs and shared her understanding of faith.
Overall, while this was sometimes hard to read because of the topics, it’s very well written, and not too long.
Content Warnings: Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, Religious Trauma
Thank you @netgalley and @simonbooks for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are my own.
I didn’t realize how religion focused this book was going to be, some of the stories the author shares from the Bible I recognized, others I didn’t, but there are sections where they’re quite detailed as she ties them to her own experiences as she manages her bi-polar diagnosis and her faith, and how her mental health is addressed by those around her in the Evangelical Community.
Some of this was tough to read. The author jumps around to different schools and various doctors, shared her experiences with the different medications she’s given, lists all the side effects, and the impact it has on her life and her ability to be a “normal” adult.
I think one thing I noticed about her journey while reading, is that despite her depression and her bi-polar disorder making her feel like she was alone, as she walks down the aisle at her wedding and leads a lecture for her MFA, at those big pivotal moments, she mentions all the people around her and how they’d helped her in someway during the hardest times.
I appreciated that as she got older, that she was able to find a church and a community that fit what she needed when it came to her faith. Some people leave their religion completely, she just needed to find the community that met her needs and shared her understanding of faith.
Overall, while this was sometimes hard to read because of the topics, it’s very well written, and not too long.
Content Warnings: Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, Religious Trauma
Thank you @netgalley and @simonbooks for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are my own.
March 19, 2024
As someone who has both struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a child AND also grew up in an evangelical church, this book truly resonated with me. I really admire the author's transparency in how she deals with her Bipolar 2 diagnosis AND the blow-back she gets from both her parents and her church [CAN you even imagine being told by a pastor that you have to leave the church you are in because you are distracting a young man who had shown interest in you AND because your "mental health issues" were too much for the church to handle? I just broke down crying at that point, for her and for all those in that "church" that are being ignored and dismissed because of illness] and how she finally finds a modicum of peace and love with her husband, a new supportive caring church and her realization that her belief system was based on GOD and Him alone and not the "church" that was telling her how to live and be and behave [so grateful she found a church that not only supports her in her illness, but encourages both medication and therapy - what a wonderful thing].
While my own hurts from the church are too deep for me to even consider going back to that lifestyle, my faith in what I believe and in God, while changed somewhat, has remained firm and this book really encouraged me in in a time when I have been struggling and I am grateful for that. Seeing how the author has navigated those waters and how it has helped her, in turn helped me and that was one of the best things about this book.
This was a wonderful read with a really great end, which was unexpected. The author is open about all she has dealt and struggled with [and continues to do so; as one of her therapists told her, she will never not be able to live without medication and therapy] and shares her doubt and questions and her truths. It was very open and eye-opening and even in the midst of my current struggles, very encouraging.
Thank you to NetGalley, Anna Gazmarian, and Simon and Schuster for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
While my own hurts from the church are too deep for me to even consider going back to that lifestyle, my faith in what I believe and in God, while changed somewhat, has remained firm and this book really encouraged me in in a time when I have been struggling and I am grateful for that. Seeing how the author has navigated those waters and how it has helped her, in turn helped me and that was one of the best things about this book.
This was a wonderful read with a really great end, which was unexpected. The author is open about all she has dealt and struggled with [and continues to do so; as one of her therapists told her, she will never not be able to live without medication and therapy] and shares her doubt and questions and her truths. It was very open and eye-opening and even in the midst of my current struggles, very encouraging.
Thank you to NetGalley, Anna Gazmarian, and Simon and Schuster for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
September 29, 2024
I’m grateful to see more and more books exploring the intersection of mental health and religion (especially within fundamentalist communities that far too often downplay—even spiritually bypass—the severity and trauma of such diagnoses). Anna’s story is sacred and worthy and, no doubt, resonant for countless others with similar diagnoses in similar religious contexts. I admire and respect Anna’s bent towards continual seeking. This is a book of wrestling and breaking free from rigidity into more expansive belief. Finding eventual freedom not *from* illness but from dogma and into hope.
I hesitate to rate a memoir because memoirs are so personal and vulnerable. But personally (as a reader who is also a writer and validates the hard, holy work of writing), this book felt a bit one-dimensional and simple for me. I would have loved to see more sensory engagement, more showing (less telling) of Anna’s keen observational skills. I want to know what it feels like the plummet into episodes, how it feels to endure them while also living a simple life (beyond feeling overwhelmed at the grocery store), etc., etc.
I hesitate to rate a memoir because memoirs are so personal and vulnerable. But personally (as a reader who is also a writer and validates the hard, holy work of writing), this book felt a bit one-dimensional and simple for me. I would have loved to see more sensory engagement, more showing (less telling) of Anna’s keen observational skills. I want to know what it feels like the plummet into episodes, how it feels to endure them while also living a simple life (beyond feeling overwhelmed at the grocery store), etc., etc.
March 26, 2024
A memoir of mental illness and faith. The church isn’t much help with praying away her mental illness. The real heroes are her parents and husband who stand by her side through multiple colleges and psychiatrists until she finds a cure.
April 12, 2024
I read this book and am a therapist. I found this book helpful in my work and think it’s important to hear first hand of people with lived experiences share their mental health journey. I will not forget the lessons from this book and can’t wait to read more from Anna! 💚
May 10, 2024
Oh wow! I loved how this memoir was constructed. I loved the inclusion of scripture that helped the speaker relay her emotions and ideas, but that then grounded the reader as well. What a telling memoir about the intersection of mental health and faith.
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August 21, 2024This book is a good example of what not to say to someone who suffers from mental illness and is religious. "Pray more", "study Jesus", "you are not displaying the fruitage of the spirit". Yikes. Not rating because it feels wrong to score people's trauma.
August 27, 2024
evangelicals so crazy
September 4, 2024
i liked and related to this more than i expected! it was a refreshing perspective and i can’t wait to meet the author @ my uni this fall!
July 3, 2024
This author does what my very favorite religious authors do: she holds onto her religion with one hand, and explores the contradictions between her experience and the promise of Christianity with the other. It's even harder in her case, due to her bipolar diagnosis and the Christian discomfort with mental illness. Her book reminds me of the Psalms, which express the pain of being human and point towards the (sometimes fleeting) comfort that they find in God.
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