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When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others
This fascinating and necessary look at the powerful role caring for others plays in our individual and communal lives weaves together research about care and stories from parents and caregivers with a feminist bent.
Behind our current caregiving crisis, in which a broken system has left parents and caregivers exhausted, sits a fierce addiction to independence. But what would happen if we started to appreciate dependency, and the deep meaning of one person caring for another? If we start to care about care?
Drawing on research into parenting and caregiving, as well as her own experiences as a mother, journalist Elissa Strauss delves into the history and power of care in our lives and communities. With a curiosity and desire to more fully understand one of humanity’s most profound and essential relationships, she interrogates our societal obsession with going at it alone, and poses a challenge to let ourselves be transformed by the act of caregiving.
When You Care weaves historical anecdotes and science with conversations with parents and caregivers to the young, old, disabled, ill, and more, revealing a rich array of insights about how care shapes us on the inside and the outside, for the better. Care is a long-ignored force in our collective and political lives, as well as a deeply philosophical, spiritual, and psychologically potent experience. Moreso, an embrace of care by both women and men will lead to a more gender equitable future and help us reimagine what it means to be productive and live a meaningful life. The result is an eye-opening exploration into the power of being depended on—and a stirring call to action to finally acknowledge the breadth, depth, and beauty of all that caregivers do.
Behind our current caregiving crisis, in which a broken system has left parents and caregivers exhausted, sits a fierce addiction to independence. But what would happen if we started to appreciate dependency, and the deep meaning of one person caring for another? If we start to care about care?
Drawing on research into parenting and caregiving, as well as her own experiences as a mother, journalist Elissa Strauss delves into the history and power of care in our lives and communities. With a curiosity and desire to more fully understand one of humanity’s most profound and essential relationships, she interrogates our societal obsession with going at it alone, and poses a challenge to let ourselves be transformed by the act of caregiving.
When You Care weaves historical anecdotes and science with conversations with parents and caregivers to the young, old, disabled, ill, and more, revealing a rich array of insights about how care shapes us on the inside and the outside, for the better. Care is a long-ignored force in our collective and political lives, as well as a deeply philosophical, spiritual, and psychologically potent experience. Moreso, an embrace of care by both women and men will lead to a more gender equitable future and help us reimagine what it means to be productive and live a meaningful life. The result is an eye-opening exploration into the power of being depended on—and a stirring call to action to finally acknowledge the breadth, depth, and beauty of all that caregivers do.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published April 23, 2024
64 people are currently reading
4690 people want to read
About the author
Elissa Strauss
7 books23 followersElissa Strauss has been writing about the politics and culture of parenting and caregiving for more than fifteen years. Her work appears in publications like the Atlantic, the New York Times, Glamour, ELLE, TheWeek.com and elsewhere, and she was a former contributing writer at CNN.com and Slate, where her cultural criticism about motherhood appeared on DoubleX. Her book, "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others," will be out April 2024 from Gallery Books.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
November 25, 2024
So much of what Ms. Strauss writes resonates deeply within me. May I share this poignant observation that she wrote about on page 184?
Perhaps the psychological benefits of care would be easier to see if we moved away from happiness and focused on meaning. There is plenty of convincing research making this point about caregivers to old, ill, and disabled individuals, as well as parents who report finding parenting more meaningful than their work or leisure time. One study found that the more time people spent taking care of their children, the more meaningful they found their lives. But they weren't necessarily happier.
"Satisfying one's own needs and wants increased happiness but was largely irrelevant to meaningfulness. Happiness was largely present oriented, whereas meaningfulness involves integrating past, present, and future...," the authors write. "Happiness was linked to being a taker rather than a giver, whereas meaningfulness went with being a giver rather than a taker. Higher levels of worry, stress, and anxiety were linked to higher meaningfulness but lower happiness. Concerns with personal identity and expressing the self contributed to meaning but not happiness."
Happiness demands ease, which is not a characteristic of care, while meaning demands friction and growth. We get meaning from the things that matter to us, that push ourselves to see ourselves more clearly, and, on good days, grow. Meaning, like, not coincidentally, care, takes time. Care is not a happy or healthy quick scheme, even in the best of circumstances. We must return, again and again, to the person and situation that wants something from us and explore our place, our meaning, in the arc of that singular, ever-shifting relationship.
July 20, 2024
As soon as I started reading this book I couldn't put it down. It speaks to me both as a parent and as the child of an aging parent. Such an important and relevant topic that I have never seen written in such an informative, interesting and relatable manner. Such an important and relevant topic. This book was so engaging. The stories woven through the narrative are deeply touching and deftly combined with deep research and a compelling argument rooted in both individual experience and structural conditions. Highly recommend.
May 31, 2024
This book Resonated with me so much. I was moved by the validation the author gives to caretakers, and how essential Care is for us all.
This book helped me since my Mom just died of Alzheimer’s Disease and was helping as much as possible. Then several days later, my Dad got pneumonia. Now he is in rehab and having a hard time even standing. It is so difficult for me to not be able to help even more, but it becomes overwhelming and takes up all my time and emotional energy. Yet, I want to be present to help my Dad in anyway I can. The staffing is so short and the employees work 12 hour shifts often 5 days a week. I really value their contribution and know Nursing Assistants are so underpaid. It shows how as a culture we do not value caring for the sick and elderly.
The role someone plays in providing comfort and assistance is essential, but Elissa Strauss says if this is true, then why are we making these mostly female workers have to live in poverty? They then have to care for their own families. The ability to fully care for elderly patients suffers. She does excellent Research with much Scientific Evidence. It also includes Philosophy, Religion, and Writing that assumes to be a leader or insightful person, the narrative is often that you must be alone to achieve those goals.
To acknowledge that Caretaking is difficult whether it involves taking care of children or the elderly is true, but research shows that there is also a profound effect when care is done. It is not just helpful for the person who needs care, but also the caretaker feels a sense of purpose. The reason we hear about giving care as being so awful and exhausting is because we as a society do not value it. You are left to yourself to try and do everything.
The author says she likes caring for her 2 children, but not all the time. Just like any job, there are good moments and some very taxing ones. This is a more realistic look at how raising children or caring for older or disabled individuals is. She is fortunate since her husband respects this and helps and she has had child care workers help her so she is free to be creative and then feels recharged with her children.
The experience changes you and you bring that empathy and a new skill set back into the outside world. Mothers don’t only process this skill, Men can learn the skills to care for and help their children more. This extra time spent with their children is rewarding to them as well. Often, Men are penalized professionally if they take time from their job to do any kind of family care. Giving care must be seen as important, not just an extra task anyone can do.
It is time Care is woven into the fabric of our society and those who provide it get help with better wages, subsidizes for unpaid workers, paid family leave, reasonable work schedule; these are just a few examples. This is about how in America we are expected to do everything on our own and little or no support is offered. That is the problem and if it’s acknowledged we would see an improvement for all valuing care. Excellent Book.
Thank You NetGalley, Elissa Strauss, and Gallery Books for a copy of this book. I also leave reviews for books I read.
This book helped me since my Mom just died of Alzheimer’s Disease and was helping as much as possible. Then several days later, my Dad got pneumonia. Now he is in rehab and having a hard time even standing. It is so difficult for me to not be able to help even more, but it becomes overwhelming and takes up all my time and emotional energy. Yet, I want to be present to help my Dad in anyway I can. The staffing is so short and the employees work 12 hour shifts often 5 days a week. I really value their contribution and know Nursing Assistants are so underpaid. It shows how as a culture we do not value caring for the sick and elderly.
The role someone plays in providing comfort and assistance is essential, but Elissa Strauss says if this is true, then why are we making these mostly female workers have to live in poverty? They then have to care for their own families. The ability to fully care for elderly patients suffers. She does excellent Research with much Scientific Evidence. It also includes Philosophy, Religion, and Writing that assumes to be a leader or insightful person, the narrative is often that you must be alone to achieve those goals.
To acknowledge that Caretaking is difficult whether it involves taking care of children or the elderly is true, but research shows that there is also a profound effect when care is done. It is not just helpful for the person who needs care, but also the caretaker feels a sense of purpose. The reason we hear about giving care as being so awful and exhausting is because we as a society do not value it. You are left to yourself to try and do everything.
The author says she likes caring for her 2 children, but not all the time. Just like any job, there are good moments and some very taxing ones. This is a more realistic look at how raising children or caring for older or disabled individuals is. She is fortunate since her husband respects this and helps and she has had child care workers help her so she is free to be creative and then feels recharged with her children.
The experience changes you and you bring that empathy and a new skill set back into the outside world. Mothers don’t only process this skill, Men can learn the skills to care for and help their children more. This extra time spent with their children is rewarding to them as well. Often, Men are penalized professionally if they take time from their job to do any kind of family care. Giving care must be seen as important, not just an extra task anyone can do.
It is time Care is woven into the fabric of our society and those who provide it get help with better wages, subsidizes for unpaid workers, paid family leave, reasonable work schedule; these are just a few examples. This is about how in America we are expected to do everything on our own and little or no support is offered. That is the problem and if it’s acknowledged we would see an improvement for all valuing care. Excellent Book.
Thank You NetGalley, Elissa Strauss, and Gallery Books for a copy of this book. I also leave reviews for books I read.
September 10, 2023
As will likely be true for many who decide to pick up Elissa Strauss's "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others," I'm currently sitting smack dab in the middle of a season of life impacted by caregiving.
In my case, it was a mere 2+ weeks ago that I found myself in a local hospital facing serious surgery secondary to my diagnosis of bladder cancer. While my surgery seemingly went well, within a few hours post-op it became clear that there were some complications and over the next ten days I'd spend time in the ICU over the course of my ten-day hospital stay.
As an adult living with spina bifida far past the time anyone expected me to survive, this is just the latest challenge in a life that has been filled with medical complications.
Yet, despite all these challenges the truth is most of my adult years have been relatively stable. While many express surprise, I work full-time. I own my home. I drive.
The truth is I've been rather passionately, and somewhat embarrassingly, avoidant of interdependence. I spent 10 years working in the mental health field, specifically crisis intervention, before detouring my way over to the government side of things. While people always expected me to need care, the truth is it somehow became my brother, who passed away two years ago due to pancreatic cancer, who needed the most support in daily life.
Yet, here I am. As my cancer complications intensified and it became clear that bladder removal along with an ostomy would be the solution most likely leading to a good result, I announced with great clarity "I need my village."
Indeed, less than two weeks post-op? I need my village.
It would be hard to read "When You Care" without thinking of those areas of one's life impacted by caregiving whether it's parental, siblings, professional, natural supports, or any other of a myriad of situations that would qualify as caregiving.
Weaving together historical anecdotes, social research, and a vibrant and engaging personal testimony, Strauss has brought vividly to life a manifesto of sorts about the unexpected magic of caring for others and, yes, also being cared for by others.
A friend of mine just left my home after several hours of "caring" for me through physical assistance, housecleaning, organizing, strategizing, and supporting my return to wellness in multiple ways. My friend, a Seattle resident, took advantage of her employer's flexibility and decided to stay with family here in Indiana to have better proximity to help support my recovery. As someone with only an 80-year-old father alive, the term "family of choice" is one that has dominated my life and one that my friend lives out beautifully.
With "When You Care," Strauss doesn't offer simple answers yet paints a rather beautiful portrait of caregiving and its vital role in our culture. She doesn't sugarcoat the issues at hand, though in some ways she does simplify it rather magnificently. From looking at the role of paid caregivers to looking at our culture's view of caregivers to even examining men and caregiving, Strauss crafts a narrative here that is relatable, well researched, and remarkably compassionate. She destigmatizes both giving and receiving care and makes us feel her own transformation even as she encourages ours.
Yes. I am most definitely more impacted by "When You Care" because of where I am currently at in my own life. As I returned home, a home that I would have sworn was fully accessible, I suddenly realized because of these new health issues I actually had mobility issues in this place I call home. In other words, I feel "When You Care" deep within my bones because I'm living it now on a seriously intimate level.
Capturing both the universality and intimacy of caregiving, Elissa Strauss has crafted an engaging and informative "must read" for anyone who believes, as I do, that among our most basic of societal obligations is to simply care for one another.
In my case, it was a mere 2+ weeks ago that I found myself in a local hospital facing serious surgery secondary to my diagnosis of bladder cancer. While my surgery seemingly went well, within a few hours post-op it became clear that there were some complications and over the next ten days I'd spend time in the ICU over the course of my ten-day hospital stay.
As an adult living with spina bifida far past the time anyone expected me to survive, this is just the latest challenge in a life that has been filled with medical complications.
Yet, despite all these challenges the truth is most of my adult years have been relatively stable. While many express surprise, I work full-time. I own my home. I drive.
The truth is I've been rather passionately, and somewhat embarrassingly, avoidant of interdependence. I spent 10 years working in the mental health field, specifically crisis intervention, before detouring my way over to the government side of things. While people always expected me to need care, the truth is it somehow became my brother, who passed away two years ago due to pancreatic cancer, who needed the most support in daily life.
Yet, here I am. As my cancer complications intensified and it became clear that bladder removal along with an ostomy would be the solution most likely leading to a good result, I announced with great clarity "I need my village."
Indeed, less than two weeks post-op? I need my village.
It would be hard to read "When You Care" without thinking of those areas of one's life impacted by caregiving whether it's parental, siblings, professional, natural supports, or any other of a myriad of situations that would qualify as caregiving.
Weaving together historical anecdotes, social research, and a vibrant and engaging personal testimony, Strauss has brought vividly to life a manifesto of sorts about the unexpected magic of caring for others and, yes, also being cared for by others.
A friend of mine just left my home after several hours of "caring" for me through physical assistance, housecleaning, organizing, strategizing, and supporting my return to wellness in multiple ways. My friend, a Seattle resident, took advantage of her employer's flexibility and decided to stay with family here in Indiana to have better proximity to help support my recovery. As someone with only an 80-year-old father alive, the term "family of choice" is one that has dominated my life and one that my friend lives out beautifully.
With "When You Care," Strauss doesn't offer simple answers yet paints a rather beautiful portrait of caregiving and its vital role in our culture. She doesn't sugarcoat the issues at hand, though in some ways she does simplify it rather magnificently. From looking at the role of paid caregivers to looking at our culture's view of caregivers to even examining men and caregiving, Strauss crafts a narrative here that is relatable, well researched, and remarkably compassionate. She destigmatizes both giving and receiving care and makes us feel her own transformation even as she encourages ours.
Yes. I am most definitely more impacted by "When You Care" because of where I am currently at in my own life. As I returned home, a home that I would have sworn was fully accessible, I suddenly realized because of these new health issues I actually had mobility issues in this place I call home. In other words, I feel "When You Care" deep within my bones because I'm living it now on a seriously intimate level.
Capturing both the universality and intimacy of caregiving, Elissa Strauss has crafted an engaging and informative "must read" for anyone who believes, as I do, that among our most basic of societal obligations is to simply care for one another.
June 7, 2024
The first few chapters are interesting. After that, I lost interest. This didn't need to be a whole book.
August 29, 2023
Book Review: "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others" by Elissa Strauss
Elissa Strauss's thought-provoking book, "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others," offers a profound exploration of the often-overlooked role of caregiving in our lives, as well as its transformative potential for both individuals and communities. Through a combination of research, personal anecdotes, and interviews, Strauss delves into the intricate dynamics of care, challenging societal norms and shedding light on the significant impact that caring for others has on our well-being, relationships, and the fabric of society.
The book takes a feminist perspective, analyzing caregiving through the lens of both historical and contemporary contexts. Strauss critically examines the prevailing cultural emphasis on independence and self-reliance, highlighting how our relentless pursuit of autonomy has led to a caregiving crisis that particularly affects parents and caregivers. She proposes a shift in perspective, urging readers to appreciate the interconnectedness and interdependency that caregiving brings, emphasizing that care is not a sign of weakness but rather a powerful force that shapes our emotional, psychological, and communal landscapes.
Strauss deftly weaves together research findings, personal narratives, and conversations with a diverse range of caregivers. Through these narratives, she explores the multi-faceted dimensions of caregiving, from tending to the young, old, ill, and disabled to the emotional and psychological impacts on caregivers themselves. By elevating the stories of caregivers and those they care for, the book humanizes the experience, encouraging readers to see care as a complex and essential aspect of the human experience.
Moreover, the book delves into the philosophical, spiritual, and psychological dimensions of caregiving. Strauss underscores how care has the potential to transcend mere practicality, enriching our lives with meaning, purpose, and a deeper connection to others. She highlights the transformative nature of caregiving, challenging readers to embrace their roles as caregivers and recognize the profound positive changes that can arise from being depended upon and providing care.
The book also takes a broader perspective, addressing care within the context of gender equity and societal change. Strauss argues that a greater acceptance and embrace of care by both men and women can lead to a more equitable future, reshaping traditional gender roles and redefining productivity and meaningful living.
In "When You Care," Elissa Strauss presents a captivating blend of research, personal reflection, and societal analysis. Her writing is engaging and thought-provoking, inviting readers to reevaluate their attitudes toward caregiving and recognize its value in fostering connection, empathy, and community. With its rich insights and emphasis on the transformative power of care, the book offers a compelling call to action, encouraging us to not only acknowledge but also celebrate the profound magic of caring for others.
In conclusion, "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others" is a must-read for those seeking a deeper understanding of caregiving's significance and its potential to reshape our lives and society. Strauss's exploration of care as a force that bridges generations, fosters relationships, and contributes to personal growth is both enlightening and empowering. Through her eloquent prose and insightful analysis, Strauss encourages us to embrace caregiving and recognize its capacity to bring about positive change, both within ourselves and in the world around us.
Elissa Strauss's thought-provoking book, "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others," offers a profound exploration of the often-overlooked role of caregiving in our lives, as well as its transformative potential for both individuals and communities. Through a combination of research, personal anecdotes, and interviews, Strauss delves into the intricate dynamics of care, challenging societal norms and shedding light on the significant impact that caring for others has on our well-being, relationships, and the fabric of society.
The book takes a feminist perspective, analyzing caregiving through the lens of both historical and contemporary contexts. Strauss critically examines the prevailing cultural emphasis on independence and self-reliance, highlighting how our relentless pursuit of autonomy has led to a caregiving crisis that particularly affects parents and caregivers. She proposes a shift in perspective, urging readers to appreciate the interconnectedness and interdependency that caregiving brings, emphasizing that care is not a sign of weakness but rather a powerful force that shapes our emotional, psychological, and communal landscapes.
Strauss deftly weaves together research findings, personal narratives, and conversations with a diverse range of caregivers. Through these narratives, she explores the multi-faceted dimensions of caregiving, from tending to the young, old, ill, and disabled to the emotional and psychological impacts on caregivers themselves. By elevating the stories of caregivers and those they care for, the book humanizes the experience, encouraging readers to see care as a complex and essential aspect of the human experience.
Moreover, the book delves into the philosophical, spiritual, and psychological dimensions of caregiving. Strauss underscores how care has the potential to transcend mere practicality, enriching our lives with meaning, purpose, and a deeper connection to others. She highlights the transformative nature of caregiving, challenging readers to embrace their roles as caregivers and recognize the profound positive changes that can arise from being depended upon and providing care.
The book also takes a broader perspective, addressing care within the context of gender equity and societal change. Strauss argues that a greater acceptance and embrace of care by both men and women can lead to a more equitable future, reshaping traditional gender roles and redefining productivity and meaningful living.
In "When You Care," Elissa Strauss presents a captivating blend of research, personal reflection, and societal analysis. Her writing is engaging and thought-provoking, inviting readers to reevaluate their attitudes toward caregiving and recognize its value in fostering connection, empathy, and community. With its rich insights and emphasis on the transformative power of care, the book offers a compelling call to action, encouraging us to not only acknowledge but also celebrate the profound magic of caring for others.
In conclusion, "When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others" is a must-read for those seeking a deeper understanding of caregiving's significance and its potential to reshape our lives and society. Strauss's exploration of care as a force that bridges generations, fosters relationships, and contributes to personal growth is both enlightening and empowering. Through her eloquent prose and insightful analysis, Strauss encourages us to embrace caregiving and recognize its capacity to bring about positive change, both within ourselves and in the world around us.
August 26, 2024
A thorough exploration of caregiving. I share the author’s argument that caregiving is often seen as drudgery/less than/something to escape and that we ought to see it with fresh eyes, for the relational, societal and spiritual benefits. I differed with her worldview often, but cheer on her overall premise. Caregiving is hard and holy work, with the potential to change both the one being cared for and the caregiver themselves in positive ways.
January 22, 2024
A really informative book about care work in the United States and world,
I loved the way Strauss mixes in stories of her own care work as a mother, daughter, and friend with real research into the history of care work, and its possible future. I appreciated the way that she explains social structures such as racism and patriarchy that devalue care work. She gives credit to Black activists who have been advocating for more infrastructure and compensation for care work. This is a very thorough book, and great for readers who want to learn more about feminism, care work, and societies and how they function. It's also a really engaging book that I would recommend to anyone who does care work (and at some point, isn't that most of us?). I hadn't thought as deeply about why men could benefit from care work until Strauss talked about how it helped men bond with their children and families more, and therefore crime went down. I'll be thinking about this book for a long time.
Thank you NetGalley for the digital ARC of this book.
I loved the way Strauss mixes in stories of her own care work as a mother, daughter, and friend with real research into the history of care work, and its possible future. I appreciated the way that she explains social structures such as racism and patriarchy that devalue care work. She gives credit to Black activists who have been advocating for more infrastructure and compensation for care work. This is a very thorough book, and great for readers who want to learn more about feminism, care work, and societies and how they function. It's also a really engaging book that I would recommend to anyone who does care work (and at some point, isn't that most of us?). I hadn't thought as deeply about why men could benefit from care work until Strauss talked about how it helped men bond with their children and families more, and therefore crime went down. I'll be thinking about this book for a long time.
Thank you NetGalley for the digital ARC of this book.
February 28, 2025
A long, slow, challenging read.
April 28, 2024
Let's be honest, guys. Being a dad is awesome, but let's face it, it's also freaking hard. Especially when you've got two little whirlwinds like I do, a 7-year-old barnacle and a 10-year-old toddler. So, yeah, you could say I haven't exactly been gung-ho about the whole caregiving thing.
Elissa Strauss's "When You Care" came along at exactly the right time. Here I was, drowning in Legos and princess dresses, feeling like I was just going through the motions. This book smacked me upside the head (in a good way) and made me realize I'd been missing the whole point.
Strauss talks about this societal pressure to be independent, this "go it alone" mentality. And man, is that ever drilled into us dudes. But what if, like the book says, dependence is actually a good thing? What if caring for someone, really caring, is what makes life meaningful?
This book isn't preachy, though. Strauss mixes in science, history, and real-life stories (thankfully, not all from moms!). There's this part about the power of touch that got me right in the feels. Suddenly, those endless back rubs and cuddles with my little ones didn't seem so annoying anymore.
Look, I'm not gonna lie, there are still days when I dream of a solo camping trip. But "When You Care" helped me see caregiving in a whole new light. It's not a chore, it's a chance to connect, to build something special. And let me tell you, seeing the joy on my kids' faces when I actually listen to their Pokemon theories or their fashion woes – that's pretty darn rewarding.
So, if you're a dad who feels like he's just treading water, or any caregiver who's feeling burnt out, do yourself a favor and grab this book. It's a wake-up call, a reminder of the beauty and importance of care. Plus, it might just make those endless requests a little less overwhelming.
Elissa Strauss's "When You Care" came along at exactly the right time. Here I was, drowning in Legos and princess dresses, feeling like I was just going through the motions. This book smacked me upside the head (in a good way) and made me realize I'd been missing the whole point.
Strauss talks about this societal pressure to be independent, this "go it alone" mentality. And man, is that ever drilled into us dudes. But what if, like the book says, dependence is actually a good thing? What if caring for someone, really caring, is what makes life meaningful?
This book isn't preachy, though. Strauss mixes in science, history, and real-life stories (thankfully, not all from moms!). There's this part about the power of touch that got me right in the feels. Suddenly, those endless back rubs and cuddles with my little ones didn't seem so annoying anymore.
Look, I'm not gonna lie, there are still days when I dream of a solo camping trip. But "When You Care" helped me see caregiving in a whole new light. It's not a chore, it's a chance to connect, to build something special. And let me tell you, seeing the joy on my kids' faces when I actually listen to their Pokemon theories or their fashion woes – that's pretty darn rewarding.
So, if you're a dad who feels like he's just treading water, or any caregiver who's feeling burnt out, do yourself a favor and grab this book. It's a wake-up call, a reminder of the beauty and importance of care. Plus, it might just make those endless requests a little less overwhelming.
October 9, 2024
it’s true, we need to think about why “not just a mum” reads as complimentary. i’m guilty of this but i can’t even figure out why.
I’ve been thinking about care and the ethics of care for a while now, especially since I became a caregiver. To me, caring requires action (‘caring for’) and isn’t just a feeling (‘caring about’). When I was heavily pregnant, I watched hundreds, maybe thousands, of Tiktoks that presented motherhood as either a woman’s greatest source of joy/ best identity or a burden/ thankless job/ noble and sacrificial undertaking. And the thing is, it’s not either/or. It’s both. Something can be extremely taxing and vexing, but it can also be deeply rewarding in hindsight. This book invites us to reframe the way we understand caregiving, to see it not as a loss of opportunity but a gain instead.
This book contains anecdotes from caregivers (not just women/mothers) who have grappled with their role and emerged grateful for the experience. It argues that care should be the bedrock of society moving forward and justifies it from a wide variety of perspectives like the religious pov, the Darwinistic pov, the economic pov, etc. All this is interspersed with very real criticism of the way society today is structured to devalue caregiving, and how this stems from the devaluing of women throughout most of recent human history.
I’ve been thinking about care and the ethics of care for a while now, especially since I became a caregiver. To me, caring requires action (‘caring for’) and isn’t just a feeling (‘caring about’). When I was heavily pregnant, I watched hundreds, maybe thousands, of Tiktoks that presented motherhood as either a woman’s greatest source of joy/ best identity or a burden/ thankless job/ noble and sacrificial undertaking. And the thing is, it’s not either/or. It’s both. Something can be extremely taxing and vexing, but it can also be deeply rewarding in hindsight. This book invites us to reframe the way we understand caregiving, to see it not as a loss of opportunity but a gain instead.
This book contains anecdotes from caregivers (not just women/mothers) who have grappled with their role and emerged grateful for the experience. It argues that care should be the bedrock of society moving forward and justifies it from a wide variety of perspectives like the religious pov, the Darwinistic pov, the economic pov, etc. All this is interspersed with very real criticism of the way society today is structured to devalue caregiving, and how this stems from the devaluing of women throughout most of recent human history.
September 15, 2024
I loved the first few chapters of this book. It was what I so desperately needed to hear before I had my first child but couldn't find.
"It's time to stop seeing caring for others as an obstacle to the good life and to just start seeing it as an essential part of a meaningful one, individually and collectively."
The internet now is full of stories of what women have lost through motherhood or how difficult parenting is or how the world is stacked against you, but very rarely do you hear people discuss the great parts outside of a passing mention, much less the growth and development of the parent in the process. I loved getting to hear that and seeing my own story reflected back.
However, I did not finish the book. It took a turn away from the personal toward policy, highlighting again how the world is stacked against parents and what we should do to make things better. I mostly agreed in principle with what she said, but the tone shifted and the focus moved away from the individual experience which was what I was hoping to investigate through this book.
The author started a great conversation on growth, meaning, and good lives through care and I hope to see others build on it.
"It's time to stop seeing caring for others as an obstacle to the good life and to just start seeing it as an essential part of a meaningful one, individually and collectively."
The internet now is full of stories of what women have lost through motherhood or how difficult parenting is or how the world is stacked against you, but very rarely do you hear people discuss the great parts outside of a passing mention, much less the growth and development of the parent in the process. I loved getting to hear that and seeing my own story reflected back.
However, I did not finish the book. It took a turn away from the personal toward policy, highlighting again how the world is stacked against parents and what we should do to make things better. I mostly agreed in principle with what she said, but the tone shifted and the focus moved away from the individual experience which was what I was hoping to investigate through this book.
The author started a great conversation on growth, meaning, and good lives through care and I hope to see others build on it.
July 22, 2024
While I fully appreciate the research that went into this book judging from the subtitle I was looking for something else. I was looking for “the unexpected magic”! I didn’t find it. I was also a bit disappointed that the author’s perspective is mostly as a parent of young children. I did appreciate that she included stories from those experiencing other forms of caretaking. I am on year 17 of caring for my young adult daughter who is chronically physically and mentally ill. It has been three years since my mom passed away leaving me as one of the caretakers of my 83 year old father, though he is fairly independent. Many days I would really love a reminder of the magic. “When someone is dependent on you, then you yourself are not independent as long as the other person is relying on you.” Page 192
August 7, 2024
I had such high hopes for this one. Couldn't get a clear line on the author's stance bc it carried around such different threads and valued so many different ideologies that it seemed as if she was afraid to take a position.
April 22, 2024
Strauss's book examines the importance of caregiving and the benefits it brings from many angles; it is careful to include many forms of caregiving in its range, though it does have the most focus on (two-parent) parents caring for children and secondarily those caring for the elderly. I appreciated the sections looking at the effects of paid caregiving (and was fascinated by the study that included doctors and professors along with nannies and home health aids in measuring the benefits and challenges of caregiving). I also appreciated the attention paid to less traditional family structures, including grandchildren caring for grandparents and found families (although I would have liked to see more). The primary focus may be because that's where the research is concentrated, and while Strauss clearly cares deeply about all aspects of caregiving and connects what she finds to her own experience as a parent and caregiver, this is a research-centered book, and the research is fascinating. Some of it was familiar to me; some, like the ethics and philosophy of caregiving, was completely new to me. The book works well as an introduction to many facets of caregiving, and I know I will be following up on some of the researchers she profiles. It is an accessible and readable opening to a larger conversation
Thanks to the publisher, the author, and Netgalley for my free earc. My opinions are all my own.
Thanks to the publisher, the author, and Netgalley for my free earc. My opinions are all my own.
June 22, 2024
This book explores the profound impact of caregiving on personal growth and emphasizes the importance of seeing it as an enriching part of life rather than a burden. The author delves into the powerful role that caring for others plays in our lives and communities, drawing on research and personal stories from parents and caregivers. Additionally, the book addresses the broken caregiving system and gender imbalance in caregiving. It underscores that caring for someone takes up a significant portion of our lives. Although the book is written from a mother's perspective, its message is relevant to everyone.
It's refreshing to have a book that doesn't depict caregiving negatively but instead encourages us to embrace the fact that caring for others is a natural part of life. Initially, I thought the book was only about elderly care, but it covers a broader scope. As a society, we have become more focused on self-sufficiency and taking care of ourselves, but this book makes a strong case for embracing interdependence and looking out for one another.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbymedia.com/blogs/transcri...
It's refreshing to have a book that doesn't depict caregiving negatively but instead encourages us to embrace the fact that caring for others is a natural part of life. Initially, I thought the book was only about elderly care, but it covers a broader scope. As a society, we have become more focused on self-sufficiency and taking care of ourselves, but this book makes a strong case for embracing interdependence and looking out for one another.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbymedia.com/blogs/transcri...
June 30, 2024
I won this book through a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review. Thanks to Gallery Books for choosing me.
I watched my mom be my dad's primary caregiver for years while he battled cancer, and I saw the beauty in it as well as the emotional toll it took on both of them. I watched as it both strengthened and weakened their bond and connection sometimes equally and some times not. Through her, I learned that caregiving isn't easy, but it is always worth it. Through him, I learned that with the right person by your side, you could and do things you never thought possible. Now, as her caregiver, I hope I can fill her shoes.
This book was informative and should be talked about. Caregivers don't get enough credit. They are frowned upon, and a lot of the time, it is a job that receives no gratitude. We, as a society, should actively discuss this book. It would help us all be better humans. It would help provide a glimpse into the lives of caregivers and what both sides go through.
It wasn't overwhelmingly long, and it was well written. I know I'll be thinking of this book for a while.
I watched my mom be my dad's primary caregiver for years while he battled cancer, and I saw the beauty in it as well as the emotional toll it took on both of them. I watched as it both strengthened and weakened their bond and connection sometimes equally and some times not. Through her, I learned that caregiving isn't easy, but it is always worth it. Through him, I learned that with the right person by your side, you could and do things you never thought possible. Now, as her caregiver, I hope I can fill her shoes.
This book was informative and should be talked about. Caregivers don't get enough credit. They are frowned upon, and a lot of the time, it is a job that receives no gratitude. We, as a society, should actively discuss this book. It would help us all be better humans. It would help provide a glimpse into the lives of caregivers and what both sides go through.
It wasn't overwhelmingly long, and it was well written. I know I'll be thinking of this book for a while.
September 25, 2024
A friend asked me to host a workshop for her cohort of clients. I decided to prepare a discussion on reframing homemaking as a radical act of care and connection. Unbeknownst to me, my friend was also hosting a book club for the same cohort. She selected When You Care.
I eventually caught wind of the club and the selected book. I pounced to join. What a perfect companion to my subject, I thought. I bought the audiobook for the sake of expediting workshop research. By the fourth chapter, I was so taken with the book that I ordered a hardcover. A book this rich lends itself to margin notes and, believe me, I've written plenty.
Elissa's relevant, accessible, and timely book is thoughtfully researched and yet personable. She delivers both compelling information—history, philosophy, social commentary, etc—and personal reflections with great care, as you'd expect. I made my way through it in record time. The feminist slant resonated deeply, as did the final chapter about care's spiritual potential. In short? Run, don't walk. You'll be informed and inspired. Two enthusiastic thumbs up.
I eventually caught wind of the club and the selected book. I pounced to join. What a perfect companion to my subject, I thought. I bought the audiobook for the sake of expediting workshop research. By the fourth chapter, I was so taken with the book that I ordered a hardcover. A book this rich lends itself to margin notes and, believe me, I've written plenty.
Elissa's relevant, accessible, and timely book is thoughtfully researched and yet personable. She delivers both compelling information—history, philosophy, social commentary, etc—and personal reflections with great care, as you'd expect. I made my way through it in record time. The feminist slant resonated deeply, as did the final chapter about care's spiritual potential. In short? Run, don't walk. You'll be informed and inspired. Two enthusiastic thumbs up.
February 20, 2025
I learned a ton about myself from reading this book. It helped me more than I ever expected. Thank you!
From the book:
“If we continue to measure our lives by standards of self-determination, self-actualization, self-reliance, self-betterment, self-care, if we continue to believe in the myth of the self-made man, then yes, caregiving just to get wiser, happier, and healthier seems like a strange path. But if we change our orientation to one of interdependence, seeing humans as a web of twisted roots, the pieces fall into place.”
“Caregiving systems can be found, to varying degrees, in nearly all of us, save for psychopaths and people with a few other severe psychological disorders.”
“There are two types of parentification…the first is instrumental, when a child is responsible for tasks like bill paying and food shopping…the second is emotional, and it’s when children are expected to “gauge and respond to the emotional needs of the parent, serve as a confidante…” Parentification can turn one into a compulsive caregiver for life, always looking for ways to help others, even when nobody asked.”
“Loneliness is connected to cognitive decline and increased mortality.”
From the book:
“If we continue to measure our lives by standards of self-determination, self-actualization, self-reliance, self-betterment, self-care, if we continue to believe in the myth of the self-made man, then yes, caregiving just to get wiser, happier, and healthier seems like a strange path. But if we change our orientation to one of interdependence, seeing humans as a web of twisted roots, the pieces fall into place.”
“Caregiving systems can be found, to varying degrees, in nearly all of us, save for psychopaths and people with a few other severe psychological disorders.”
“There are two types of parentification…the first is instrumental, when a child is responsible for tasks like bill paying and food shopping…the second is emotional, and it’s when children are expected to “gauge and respond to the emotional needs of the parent, serve as a confidante…” Parentification can turn one into a compulsive caregiver for life, always looking for ways to help others, even when nobody asked.”
“Loneliness is connected to cognitive decline and increased mortality.”
August 24, 2024
As a new mom, I have been thinking and talking about this book non-stop! Elissa Strauss's writing put words to my abstract personal reflections about parenthood and care, and expanded on them with tangible explorations of care in culture, politics, and philosophy. I saw myself in Elissa's personal story and reflections--I was so reassured to be reading about somebody else who was scared of losing their independence and their "self" by becoming a parent, only to find how special it can be to increase connection and dependence. She dove into how our culture could have hyped our pre-motherhood concerns, and highlighted the value of reframing care as empowering rather than limiting. This is all done with the recognition that caring for kids/parents/partners/friends is challenging, emotional, and complicated, and builds upon this by pointing out that supporting caregivers is the key while ignoring the monetary and emotional value of care is not. Reading this book was validating, enlightening, and educational, and it is helping me redefine what feminism means for me (again...).
January 21, 2025
Many thanks to NetGalley and Gallery Books for gifting me a digital ARC of this insightful book by Elissa Strauss. All opinions expressed in this review are my own - 4.5 stars!
Journalist Elissa Strauss delves into the history and power of caregiving in our personal lives and our wider community. This is a subject that explores how our current societal value system ignores the subject and price of caregiving, but it's a subject that every human will face - as a carer and as a receiver of care.
As someone who has spent the last 3+ years caring for an aged parent in our home, this book struck a chord with me. I loved how Strauss talked about the privilege of not only giving care but receiving it. She uses many historical and personal stories talking about the value of caregiving of children, spouses, parents, strangers. She also acknowledged all the challenges caregivers face - from monetary, to stress, to resentment, to fulfillment. Those in charge of making policy decisions would be aided by reading this book.
Journalist Elissa Strauss delves into the history and power of caregiving in our personal lives and our wider community. This is a subject that explores how our current societal value system ignores the subject and price of caregiving, but it's a subject that every human will face - as a carer and as a receiver of care.
As someone who has spent the last 3+ years caring for an aged parent in our home, this book struck a chord with me. I loved how Strauss talked about the privilege of not only giving care but receiving it. She uses many historical and personal stories talking about the value of caregiving of children, spouses, parents, strangers. She also acknowledged all the challenges caregivers face - from monetary, to stress, to resentment, to fulfillment. Those in charge of making policy decisions would be aided by reading this book.
December 11, 2024
When We Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others by Elissa Strauss
This book hit me right when I was the middle of a bout of intense caring. Nothing earth shattering, just an accumulation. I didn't feel like I was able to catch a breath. Very one day at a time. Family sickness, minor medical procedures, busyness, doctors' appointments, packing, travel, etc.
I looked at the book. Picked up the book, thought about not reading it and then I did. And I'm so glad I did. It reflected so much of myself back at me. How caring brought a new level of meaning to my life that I didn't know was possible. I certainly didn't know I was capable of giving it. There was a lot of messaging about how I was "selfish" in my family. And I believed a lot of it, even though it wasn't true. Caring for my small children showed me a way forward to caring and loving myself. I never really thought about it before reading this book, this concretely, but loving and caring for my children showed me how to begin to do that for myself. Seeing how deeply loveable they were. How vulnerable helped me see and identify those qualities in my young self. And, it was hard and exhausting and our society should care for caregivers, should recognize it as work, as essential for our society to function. Yes, absolutely. And, this book covers all of this and more. I really found it validating. And I appreciate that it exists.
These few quotes really stood out for me:
“Caregiving was not, it turned out, an end--the parking of the car after a long and exciting journey, Instead, it's been wild, a transcendent experience that has challenged me and enlightened me, while going straight to the heart of what it means to be human. It's some of the truest intimacy I have ever known, an intimacy that has brought me closer to others, and, ultimately, myself.
Why did nobody tell me it could be like this?”
“It's time to stop seeing caring for others as an obstacle to the good life and to just start seeing it as an essential part of a meaningful one, individually and collectively.”
“There's more than one me...who have discovered themselves in moments of epiphany while looking into someone else's eyes, holding their hands or rubbing their backs, as they laughed or cried or died. This, too, is deep thinking. Philosophizing by way of care.”
This book hit me right when I was the middle of a bout of intense caring. Nothing earth shattering, just an accumulation. I didn't feel like I was able to catch a breath. Very one day at a time. Family sickness, minor medical procedures, busyness, doctors' appointments, packing, travel, etc.
I looked at the book. Picked up the book, thought about not reading it and then I did. And I'm so glad I did. It reflected so much of myself back at me. How caring brought a new level of meaning to my life that I didn't know was possible. I certainly didn't know I was capable of giving it. There was a lot of messaging about how I was "selfish" in my family. And I believed a lot of it, even though it wasn't true. Caring for my small children showed me a way forward to caring and loving myself. I never really thought about it before reading this book, this concretely, but loving and caring for my children showed me how to begin to do that for myself. Seeing how deeply loveable they were. How vulnerable helped me see and identify those qualities in my young self. And, it was hard and exhausting and our society should care for caregivers, should recognize it as work, as essential for our society to function. Yes, absolutely. And, this book covers all of this and more. I really found it validating. And I appreciate that it exists.
These few quotes really stood out for me:
“Caregiving was not, it turned out, an end--the parking of the car after a long and exciting journey, Instead, it's been wild, a transcendent experience that has challenged me and enlightened me, while going straight to the heart of what it means to be human. It's some of the truest intimacy I have ever known, an intimacy that has brought me closer to others, and, ultimately, myself.
Why did nobody tell me it could be like this?”
“It's time to stop seeing caring for others as an obstacle to the good life and to just start seeing it as an essential part of a meaningful one, individually and collectively.”
“There's more than one me...who have discovered themselves in moments of epiphany while looking into someone else's eyes, holding their hands or rubbing their backs, as they laughed or cried or died. This, too, is deep thinking. Philosophizing by way of care.”
January 9, 2025
It turns out the care economy is the hidden (but increasingly visible) iceberg beneath the surface of the working world today, as the Covid pandemic dramatically reminded lots of us. But this giant sector remains little understood or appreciated, as well as stuck in a framing that needs updating.
Elissa Strauss, a veteran journalist on issues around care feminism and related topics, has written a terrific overview of caregiving and the care economy from multiple perspectives. She writes highly readable prose in order to give us a history of caregiving as well as insights from psychology, gender studies, economics, and spirituality. Because caregiving contains all these dimensions.
To get caregiving and care policies right, we need to reframe our understanding of this vital practice. Strauss' book sets us on the right path!
Elissa Strauss, a veteran journalist on issues around care feminism and related topics, has written a terrific overview of caregiving and the care economy from multiple perspectives. She writes highly readable prose in order to give us a history of caregiving as well as insights from psychology, gender studies, economics, and spirituality. Because caregiving contains all these dimensions.
To get caregiving and care policies right, we need to reframe our understanding of this vital practice. Strauss' book sets us on the right path!
May 13, 2024
I read this book in one sitting with a 20 months old - definitely something every parent should read.
I'll get back to this review later, but this is the first book in my reading-about-parenthood streak that articulates its transcendent quality. Like the author, all that was ever told me about parenthood is that you love your kids but the actual work is dehumanizing, breaks your brain, is boring, and the list goes on. When I became a parent, I honestly couldn't understand why others spoke of it so negatively, lest they were tradwives. My experience of full-time parenthood has largely been fascinating. And I've never quite managed to articulate how awe-inspiring it is. This book did that, and I am grateful for it.
I'll get back to this review later, but this is the first book in my reading-about-parenthood streak that articulates its transcendent quality. Like the author, all that was ever told me about parenthood is that you love your kids but the actual work is dehumanizing, breaks your brain, is boring, and the list goes on. When I became a parent, I honestly couldn't understand why others spoke of it so negatively, lest they were tradwives. My experience of full-time parenthood has largely been fascinating. And I've never quite managed to articulate how awe-inspiring it is. This book did that, and I am grateful for it.
November 20, 2024
3.5 stars rounding up because of the important topic. This was a refreshing perspective on caregiving that emphasized the mutual benefits for both the giver and the receiver, rather than the typical narrative that portrays caregiving as a burden. The book includes parenting care (and the different levels of primary roles) and also covers care giving for adults. Not entirely the fault of the book, but the timing of my reading—just after the US election—left me feeling pretty discouraged as most of the suggestions for improving the lives of caregivers were policy based (subsidized childcare, higher pay for care workers, more flexible working conditions) and it felt like there was less practical advice on what can be done on a personal level (other than educating yourself to value care)!
August 3, 2024
This book was written with good intentions. The author did a great job of summarizing and examining care from a multitude of angles, however it's constrained by the lack of pre-existing literature on the subject. More of a "negative space" book highlighting what's missing rather than diving into detail as to what IS. The care space is so poorly thought through, it's staggering how western society is even functioning.
It's the survey paper equivalent that summarizes and statisticizes intimate anecdotes of the caring experience. While this book was a lovely overview, it covers so much ground that it ends up feeling unwieldy.
It's the survey paper equivalent that summarizes and statisticizes intimate anecdotes of the caring experience. While this book was a lovely overview, it covers so much ground that it ends up feeling unwieldy.
September 13, 2024
"When You Care" is for everybody. It's an important, informative, and essential book for the world we live in now. Everybody at some time (if not now) will be in a caring position for someone. Certainly if you are a parent or caregiver you already know - and Elissa Strauss gives practical advice on what is needed and steps we can take. If you are like me, a teacher, this book opens your heart and shows you the essential language of caring which is so necessary in everyday challenges that come up for young students in this increasingly uncaring world. This book teaches us what to do and how to make a change. Buy it , share it, give it - you won't be sorry. Yehuda Hyman
December 9, 2024
If I could give this book a million stars, I would. I've never felt so seen reading a book as I did learning about all the myriad ways that care impacts our own lives as well as those we care for. As a mom, as a wife, a parentified daughter, as someone whose vocation is care work, I came across so many things that resonated strongly with me. One of the biggest themes was how undervalued carework is and I couldn't agree more. It's high time that we figure out as Americans how to uphold the work of caregivers and caregivers themselves before we lose sight of the fundamental and life changing value of care.
September 14, 2023
I received a free e-arc of this book through Netgalley.
This includes a history of care, politically and through literature as well as the author's own experiences with care. It really does happen to everyone on the planet. We need care when we are young and often when we are older. We spend the years in-between caring for others. This book also shows the positive outcomes of being a caregiver which is often overlooked. Our world would be a better place if we valued caregiving like we should.
This includes a history of care, politically and through literature as well as the author's own experiences with care. It really does happen to everyone on the planet. We need care when we are young and often when we are older. We spend the years in-between caring for others. This book also shows the positive outcomes of being a caregiver which is often overlooked. Our world would be a better place if we valued caregiving like we should.
April 21, 2024
This is a beautiful and profound meditation on the value of caregiving- philosophically, psychologically, spiritually, economically and practically. Delving into everything from how we have misunderstood Darwin, to the American obsession with individualism, and rooted in her own personal story of motherhood, Strauss makes a compelling argument that we have made care "small" when we should have been seeing it as "big." A must read not just for caregivers but for anyone who will either care or be cared for in their lifetime- in other words, all of us.
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