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Safe: A Memoir of Fatherhood, Foster Care, and the Risks We Take for Family
A candid, unforgettable, and often hilarious memoir of two dads daunting quest for fatherhood.
At nearly forty years old, Mark Daley was at the top of his game––the owner of a booming business, a roster of celebrity clients, and newly married to Jason, the man of his dreams––but Mark yearned for more, a family. At odds with biology, Jason and Mark flirted with surrogacy before ultimately deciding to strive for adoption through the foster care system. Determined to avoid the tragic fate experienced by members of his family, Mark and Jason skipped into fostering with the gleeful naivety of fairytale heroes.
What does it really take to keep a child safe? Mark thought he had the answer, having grown up with foster-adopted cousins and been an advocate for child welfare agencies. But when Logan and Ethan, an adorable infant and a precocious toddler, entered their lives, Mark quickly realized he and Jason were not remotely prepared for the uncertainty and complications of foster parenting— much less the emotional roller-coaster of knowing that for their family to stay together another family had to break apart.
Seven hundred children enter the foster care system in the United States every day, and thousands more live on the brink. Safe offers a deeply personal window into what happens when the universal longing for family crashes up against the unique madness and bureaucracy of a child protection system that often fails to consider the needs of the most vulnerable parties of all—the children themselves.
Daley takes us on a suspenseful journey as he and Jason grapple with Logan and Ethan’s potential reunification with their biological family, and learn brutal lessons about sacrifice, acceptance, and healing along the way. Daley’s witty, compassionate voice grabs readers from the first page, as he faces the honest, heartrending, and sometimes sidesplitting challenges of parenting and loving children whose future with him hangs in the balance.
At nearly forty years old, Mark Daley was at the top of his game––the owner of a booming business, a roster of celebrity clients, and newly married to Jason, the man of his dreams––but Mark yearned for more, a family. At odds with biology, Jason and Mark flirted with surrogacy before ultimately deciding to strive for adoption through the foster care system. Determined to avoid the tragic fate experienced by members of his family, Mark and Jason skipped into fostering with the gleeful naivety of fairytale heroes.
What does it really take to keep a child safe? Mark thought he had the answer, having grown up with foster-adopted cousins and been an advocate for child welfare agencies. But when Logan and Ethan, an adorable infant and a precocious toddler, entered their lives, Mark quickly realized he and Jason were not remotely prepared for the uncertainty and complications of foster parenting— much less the emotional roller-coaster of knowing that for their family to stay together another family had to break apart.
Seven hundred children enter the foster care system in the United States every day, and thousands more live on the brink. Safe offers a deeply personal window into what happens when the universal longing for family crashes up against the unique madness and bureaucracy of a child protection system that often fails to consider the needs of the most vulnerable parties of all—the children themselves.
Daley takes us on a suspenseful journey as he and Jason grapple with Logan and Ethan’s potential reunification with their biological family, and learn brutal lessons about sacrifice, acceptance, and healing along the way. Daley’s witty, compassionate voice grabs readers from the first page, as he faces the honest, heartrending, and sometimes sidesplitting challenges of parenting and loving children whose future with him hangs in the balance.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published January 30, 2024
26 people are currently reading
3500 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 133 reviews
May 11, 2024
Thank you, @atriabooks, for the gifted book. I also purchased the audiobook, narrated by the author, from @librofm.
About the book: “A heartrending and unforgettable memoir of an unlikely journey to parenthood through America’s broken foster care system.
What does it take to keep a child safe?”
Mark Daley and his husband, Jason, decide to foster with the hope to adopt. Mark handles this exactly how I would in his shoes - he researches every aspect of foster care and statistics increasing the likelihood for adoption, and those that might improve an adopted child’s adjustment. This is a huge task, fostering children, and he wants to be prepared and have a plan. He quickly learns planning is out the window, when they are given two young boys to foster.
Along for the journey through all those months together, the forming of bonds, the trials, and tribulations, the setbacks, the heartrending pain; Mark Daley shares it all.
I didn’t go back and re-read the synopsis or any reviews before I listened, and my heart broke into a million pieces with what Mark and Jason and the children experienced within the foster care system. I learned through what he so openly shared. Safe is perfectly written, stuffed to the brim with information and plentiful deep emotion. I highly recommend it and don’t think I’ll ever forget it, Mark and Jason, and the children they so lovingly shared with the reader.
Many of my reviews can also be found on my blog: www.jennifertarheelreader.com and instagram: www.instagram.com/tarheelreader
About the book: “A heartrending and unforgettable memoir of an unlikely journey to parenthood through America’s broken foster care system.
What does it take to keep a child safe?”
Mark Daley and his husband, Jason, decide to foster with the hope to adopt. Mark handles this exactly how I would in his shoes - he researches every aspect of foster care and statistics increasing the likelihood for adoption, and those that might improve an adopted child’s adjustment. This is a huge task, fostering children, and he wants to be prepared and have a plan. He quickly learns planning is out the window, when they are given two young boys to foster.
Along for the journey through all those months together, the forming of bonds, the trials, and tribulations, the setbacks, the heartrending pain; Mark Daley shares it all.
I didn’t go back and re-read the synopsis or any reviews before I listened, and my heart broke into a million pieces with what Mark and Jason and the children experienced within the foster care system. I learned through what he so openly shared. Safe is perfectly written, stuffed to the brim with information and plentiful deep emotion. I highly recommend it and don’t think I’ll ever forget it, Mark and Jason, and the children they so lovingly shared with the reader.
Many of my reviews can also be found on my blog: www.jennifertarheelreader.com and instagram: www.instagram.com/tarheelreader
October 14, 2023
This is an incredibly impressive debut - well-written, perfectly paced, and full of humor and heart. I don't have personal experience with the foster system but I have heard about many of the difficulties associated with fostering a child, such as dealing with past traumas and the possibility of reunification with the birth family. This memoir articulately depicts the path that the author and his husband takes in order to bring children into their loving family. Mark stole my heart from the very first page, and I so hoped that things turned out for the best for his amazing family.
Within the storytelling, Mark also delves deeply into many of the problematic statistics surrounding children in foster care. He addresses the innumerable problems that are associated with child welfare, including the overworked employees, the socioeconomic and racial biases, and the lack of standardization for what determines a fit parent. He expresses his mixed feelings of reunification with the birth family evocatively - a consistent worry that every foster parent looking to adopt must endure.
This compelling memoir was perfectly balanced between sharing their personal story and providing the reader with context about the pervasive issues plaguing the foster system. I was so invested in their story and it also taught gave me tremendous insight into the challenges faced by the different people involved in the foster care system. This is a story that truly spoke to my heart and deserves a wide audience.
Thanks to NetGalley and Atria Books for my ARC.
Within the storytelling, Mark also delves deeply into many of the problematic statistics surrounding children in foster care. He addresses the innumerable problems that are associated with child welfare, including the overworked employees, the socioeconomic and racial biases, and the lack of standardization for what determines a fit parent. He expresses his mixed feelings of reunification with the birth family evocatively - a consistent worry that every foster parent looking to adopt must endure.
This compelling memoir was perfectly balanced between sharing their personal story and providing the reader with context about the pervasive issues plaguing the foster system. I was so invested in their story and it also taught gave me tremendous insight into the challenges faced by the different people involved in the foster care system. This is a story that truly spoke to my heart and deserves a wide audience.
Thanks to NetGalley and Atria Books for my ARC.
April 14, 2024
Made it halfway through. Couldn’t hang with the tone that tries to look at systemic issues but really has no sympathy for the parents. Very “I can’t even IMAGINE having the background mom has - poor thing! - but can we TRUST her to raise OUR children?!?” Pretty gross.
January 27, 2024
Advance Reader's Copy | An accurate and unflinching representation of the foster care system through the eyes of a foster parent, slightly hampered by the effort to forcefeed facts and the narrator's focus inward | I'm a CASA, Court Appointed Special Advocate for youth in foster care, so I'm very well aware of the many ways the system is dangerously broken. I spend countless hours contacting the various people who are meant to be watching out for the kids, writing reports for the judge, meeting with the kids, chasing down services, attending meetings, sitting in court, and I'm awake at night wondering when I'll get word about how the last parental visit went, what about the latest drug screen, did the State forget to pick the kid up again, why can't I find a summer camp that fits, is anyone going to respond to my email this decade, etc.
Daley presents a lot of examples of the most infuriating parts of dealing with the system, and all of them are things that happen every day. The hope is that people will be woken up by these examples, and advocate for change, volunteer their time, step up in some way to help the hundreds of thousands of kids who need it. My fear is that because the book is 90% examples of how dealing with the system can crush you, and only 10% "but we got lucky later, so it's not all soul-destroying!", that it may instead serve as a way of discouraging people from fostering or getting involved.
For the most part, Daley does well at presenting the statistics that back up the need, but occasionally they're shoehorned in, in a jarring way. He's anxious, so he opens the laptop for some doomscroll-style research, and here's a page of facts about the terrible history of Native children stolen from their families. He closes the laptop and goes to bed. The facts are true, and need to be more widely known, but the presentation is so abrupt that it puts the reader on their back foot.
In some ways the book gets a little repetitive, especially as Daley connects the tragic experiences of his own family members with those of the people he's interacting with. I sincerely hope that the numerous typos have been fixed by publication, it felt kind of awful that his beloved late cousin's first name should be the most egregious example, it swapped from Jaime to Jamie all over the book, often within the same paragraph.
Even with all my experience, I didn't learn until fairly recently how many people turn to fostering as a way to adopt. Before becoming a CASA I assumed that people who foster do it because they want to foster, that if the child needs them to, they will sometimes adopt, but that they go into it entirely for the purpose of being a bridge of safety and security, focusing on the child, hoping the child can safely and successfully go home. Foster care social media has shown me that there are a surprising number of foster parents who really want the bio parents to fail, and fast. The language is always about the things they want out of their imagined future relationship post-adoption, picturing themselves standing beside the graduating senior, walking the bride down the aisle, etc. It's very much "I want a kid, I want to do these things with a kid, I want the kid to view me in this way" and I find it very uncomfortable, especially having been a CASA dealing with failed adoption and return to the system. Daley spends most of the book talking about children in this way, prioritizing what he wants out of fatherhood over what his children would receive from his parenting. He's very frank about the ways the two of them planned to game the system in order to get what they wanted instead of being stuck with a temporary child. It's not until the very end that he comes close to acknowledging where his focus was, when he recognizes that his anxiety over the possibility of losing the boys kept him from being fully present when he was with them.
Overall, definitely a book worth reading, and one I would hope would motivate people to attend a recruitment presentation in their area for fostering, providing respite care, or becoming a CASA, or getting involved in fixing/rebuilding the system.
Digital galley provided by NetGalley did not impact my review.
Daley presents a lot of examples of the most infuriating parts of dealing with the system, and all of them are things that happen every day. The hope is that people will be woken up by these examples, and advocate for change, volunteer their time, step up in some way to help the hundreds of thousands of kids who need it. My fear is that because the book is 90% examples of how dealing with the system can crush you, and only 10% "but we got lucky later, so it's not all soul-destroying!", that it may instead serve as a way of discouraging people from fostering or getting involved.
For the most part, Daley does well at presenting the statistics that back up the need, but occasionally they're shoehorned in, in a jarring way. He's anxious, so he opens the laptop for some doomscroll-style research, and here's a page of facts about the terrible history of Native children stolen from their families. He closes the laptop and goes to bed. The facts are true, and need to be more widely known, but the presentation is so abrupt that it puts the reader on their back foot.
In some ways the book gets a little repetitive, especially as Daley connects the tragic experiences of his own family members with those of the people he's interacting with. I sincerely hope that the numerous typos have been fixed by publication, it felt kind of awful that his beloved late cousin's first name should be the most egregious example, it swapped from Jaime to Jamie all over the book, often within the same paragraph.
Even with all my experience, I didn't learn until fairly recently how many people turn to fostering as a way to adopt. Before becoming a CASA I assumed that people who foster do it because they want to foster, that if the child needs them to, they will sometimes adopt, but that they go into it entirely for the purpose of being a bridge of safety and security, focusing on the child, hoping the child can safely and successfully go home. Foster care social media has shown me that there are a surprising number of foster parents who really want the bio parents to fail, and fast. The language is always about the things they want out of their imagined future relationship post-adoption, picturing themselves standing beside the graduating senior, walking the bride down the aisle, etc. It's very much "I want a kid, I want to do these things with a kid, I want the kid to view me in this way" and I find it very uncomfortable, especially having been a CASA dealing with failed adoption and return to the system. Daley spends most of the book talking about children in this way, prioritizing what he wants out of fatherhood over what his children would receive from his parenting. He's very frank about the ways the two of them planned to game the system in order to get what they wanted instead of being stuck with a temporary child. It's not until the very end that he comes close to acknowledging where his focus was, when he recognizes that his anxiety over the possibility of losing the boys kept him from being fully present when he was with them.
Overall, definitely a book worth reading, and one I would hope would motivate people to attend a recruitment presentation in their area for fostering, providing respite care, or becoming a CASA, or getting involved in fixing/rebuilding the system.
Digital galley provided by NetGalley did not impact my review.
May 8, 2025
First book since my reading fast!! And an excellent one. As a new foster parent, this book felt so helpful to acknowledge the crazy collision of emotions i’m having, the complexity of foster care, and just sharing a real story. Well done.
March 9, 2024
It's about time someone has written this story! Adoption is a subject very close to my heart and it's rare to find it written about with all the emotions that encompass it. The author captures all of it and I really want to give him a big hug.
Mark's personality totally shines through in this book. He's personable and funny, while he articulately describes some of the most emotionally painful moments of his life. He inspires empathy and compassion, and he's not afraid to let his imperfections show as well. He does talk about politics at times. I think it's important to mention that as a reader who belongs to a different political party than him, I may not have agreed with everything he mentioned (If this is how our government is handling foster care, what kind of mess would they make out of a national healthcare situation?!), but he presents his views with lots of information and I completely respect his opinions and def agree that reform is needed.
This was an incredibly moving and emotional book. I had trouble putting it down. I highly recommend the audio version.
Mark's personality totally shines through in this book. He's personable and funny, while he articulately describes some of the most emotionally painful moments of his life. He inspires empathy and compassion, and he's not afraid to let his imperfections show as well. He does talk about politics at times. I think it's important to mention that as a reader who belongs to a different political party than him, I may not have agreed with everything he mentioned (If this is how our government is handling foster care, what kind of mess would they make out of a national healthcare situation?!), but he presents his views with lots of information and I completely respect his opinions and def agree that reform is needed.
This was an incredibly moving and emotional book. I had trouble putting it down. I highly recommend the audio version.
February 29, 2024
This book was hard to read—mostly because it highlights many of the broken pieces within the foster care system. I’ve watched some of these realities firsthand through my work at SOS Ministries but this portrayed a firsthand look from the foster parent perspective as they fight for the safety and success of children. It was vulnerable, raw and extremely information packed. As I am challenging myself to read more from authors who do not think and look like me, this memoir gave me space to learn and hear others well.
September 7, 2023
Mark is an amazing storyteller and I was quickly on board for the rollercoaster ride as he and his husband began the foster to adopt process. It's something I went through with my husband and I enjoy reading books about the topic. This one was written so well and there was so much emotion that came off the page and into my heart. Well done. Thank you to NetGalley for the ARC. Five stars.
Read
July 21, 2024Yuck! You can’t go into fostering with the goal of adopting (permanently legally severing a child from their family) it is fucked up. You extra can’t do that and write a memoir about it as though you’re the good guy. Thank you to other reviewers who explained why this is the worst better than I could.
December 8, 2025
Amateur writer tells his story.
November 18, 2023
I don’t usually write reviews for Memoirs. How do you rate or judge a book about someone’s experiences, their life? (But I received an ARC of this through Goodreads giveaway, so I’m gonna give it a go).
Daley is a great writer. I found myself repeatedly thinking about how good the narrative style was. I was gripped and invested, sucked into the story and at times forgot I was reading a real account of someone’s life - convincing myself I was reading a thriller or just something extremely compelling. The way information is incorporated into the book works well and, for the most part, blends seamlessly into the story being told. At one point I made a note that said, “interesting story. Inspiring comparison.” Daley did a great job at recounting the events and sparking an emotional response. By the final decision, I felt the prickle of tears arise, like I was making the decision with them.
It was interesting to see this account from the perspective of the foster parents. It was enlightening to read about how exhausting the process is on the foster parent’s end. Hard to read about how little they are taken into account by the agencies/bureaus/departments. Daley communicated this stress in a way that I have not seen discussed before. Having been a foster sister myself, having followed foster parents and their journeys on social media, and having devoured the show the Fosters (lol), I have never seen such a revealing peek behind the curtains of how difficult and taxing it is to do outside of just caring for the children.
The memoir is very honest and raw - and I appreciate that - so much so that around the halfway point I decided not to finish my pages for the day because I was so frustrated with Mark’s POV. (From the beginning, I was very frustrated with the line of thinking that they would go into fostering with hopes of adoption instead of to just help children in need. And when Jason was planning to help Amber and Zach out by getting them a crib and some furniture, but Mark shot that idea down because it’s not their job, I was so disheartened. But… It’s also understandable to want to protect your peace and only tackle what you can emotionally handle).
There are somethings I had trouble with. Daley throws around names like wildfire and it was a little confusing to keep up with, especially with so many people having J names and little to no callbacks being made to remind us of their role in their lives. There were lots of references made to pop-culture or today’s culture that started to get annoying to read once paired with Daley’s occasional dramatic tone. I expect references to the things you’re currently enjoying in life in a Memoir or anything written in a specific era, but eventually comments like the Coachella one just became too much for me. And, like with I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, the sardonic humor did not work for me, personally, but I feel that it could be relatable to other readers.
But my biggest issue was how much this book focuses on Amber and what she was doing wrong. It is important to the story, definitely, it was something that heavily affected Mark and Jason’s lives. But I feel like I know Amber better than Mark and Jason. I also felt uncomfortable with the amount of information that we got about her without knowing if she has consented to all this being shared. And I became more uncomfortable with it after reading the acknowledgments and seeing that 1. real names were used and 2. Amber, Zach, Kris and Rita weren’t mentioned. But, as publishing goes, I assume that permission was obtained or, at worst, available for public access.
I wish we had gotten to see Mark and Jason’s perspective on the challenges of parenting. I wish we could have seen more of this progress they made with Ethan and Logan, how they coped with going from being without children to having two - and later how they adapted to their final family. There were times where they sounded like Super Dads (I am astonished at Marks ability to get two dogs and two babies into a hotel room all by himself without having to leave anyone in the car or room because I’ve always needed a hand with that many living things that can’t be left alone. And Jason seemed to have some parenting tips that I would love to have access to because Ethan and Logan seemed to have communication skills that I’ve never seen in 1.5 to 2.5 year old).
But overall, this was a informative, warm and powerful read.
Daley is a great writer. I found myself repeatedly thinking about how good the narrative style was. I was gripped and invested, sucked into the story and at times forgot I was reading a real account of someone’s life - convincing myself I was reading a thriller or just something extremely compelling. The way information is incorporated into the book works well and, for the most part, blends seamlessly into the story being told. At one point I made a note that said, “interesting story. Inspiring comparison.” Daley did a great job at recounting the events and sparking an emotional response. By the final decision, I felt the prickle of tears arise, like I was making the decision with them.
It was interesting to see this account from the perspective of the foster parents. It was enlightening to read about how exhausting the process is on the foster parent’s end. Hard to read about how little they are taken into account by the agencies/bureaus/departments. Daley communicated this stress in a way that I have not seen discussed before. Having been a foster sister myself, having followed foster parents and their journeys on social media, and having devoured the show the Fosters (lol), I have never seen such a revealing peek behind the curtains of how difficult and taxing it is to do outside of just caring for the children.
The memoir is very honest and raw - and I appreciate that - so much so that around the halfway point I decided not to finish my pages for the day because I was so frustrated with Mark’s POV. (From the beginning, I was very frustrated with the line of thinking that they would go into fostering with hopes of adoption instead of to just help children in need. And when Jason was planning to help Amber and Zach out by getting them a crib and some furniture, but Mark shot that idea down because it’s not their job, I was so disheartened. But… It’s also understandable to want to protect your peace and only tackle what you can emotionally handle).
There are somethings I had trouble with. Daley throws around names like wildfire and it was a little confusing to keep up with, especially with so many people having J names and little to no callbacks being made to remind us of their role in their lives. There were lots of references made to pop-culture or today’s culture that started to get annoying to read once paired with Daley’s occasional dramatic tone. I expect references to the things you’re currently enjoying in life in a Memoir or anything written in a specific era, but eventually comments like the Coachella one just became too much for me. And, like with I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy, the sardonic humor did not work for me, personally, but I feel that it could be relatable to other readers.
But my biggest issue was how much this book focuses on Amber and what she was doing wrong. It is important to the story, definitely, it was something that heavily affected Mark and Jason’s lives. But I feel like I know Amber better than Mark and Jason. I also felt uncomfortable with the amount of information that we got about her without knowing if she has consented to all this being shared. And I became more uncomfortable with it after reading the acknowledgments and seeing that 1. real names were used and 2. Amber, Zach, Kris and Rita weren’t mentioned. But, as publishing goes, I assume that permission was obtained or, at worst, available for public access.
I wish we had gotten to see Mark and Jason’s perspective on the challenges of parenting. I wish we could have seen more of this progress they made with Ethan and Logan, how they coped with going from being without children to having two - and later how they adapted to their final family. There were times where they sounded like Super Dads (I am astonished at Marks ability to get two dogs and two babies into a hotel room all by himself without having to leave anyone in the car or room because I’ve always needed a hand with that many living things that can’t be left alone. And Jason seemed to have some parenting tips that I would love to have access to because Ethan and Logan seemed to have communication skills that I’ve never seen in 1.5 to 2.5 year old).
But overall, this was a informative, warm and powerful read.
January 13, 2025
The good and bad of foster care.
I enjoyed the humanized experience of feeling for the children while also feeling for the struggling parents. And I appreciated the exploration between child protective services versus child welfare services.
I also empathized with the gay perspective of wanting to adopt but living in fear of who is in office and what rights could be taken away.
Not sure how I feel about the blurry lines of wanting to adopt through foster care when reunification is supposed to be priority, however the author seemed to do a good job of staying neutral.
It’s a revealing, sad, happy story told with compassion and wit.
I enjoyed the humanized experience of feeling for the children while also feeling for the struggling parents. And I appreciated the exploration between child protective services versus child welfare services.
I also empathized with the gay perspective of wanting to adopt but living in fear of who is in office and what rights could be taken away.
Not sure how I feel about the blurry lines of wanting to adopt through foster care when reunification is supposed to be priority, however the author seemed to do a good job of staying neutral.
It’s a revealing, sad, happy story told with compassion and wit.
February 16, 2024
“I wanted to believe I could control what would happen. That I could keep them safe, that I could do something to prevent the universe from tearing us apart.”
Safe by Mark Daley is a perfectly balanced memoir, shining a light on the foster care experience. Filled with humor, heart, and truth, it is as enlightening as it is emotional.
Mark and his husband Jason are newlyweds when they decide to jump headfirst into becoming parents. As they explore their options as a gay couple, they decide to pursue fostering, giving a safe place to a child who needs it. Longing to create a family, Mark and Jason hope the child that gets placed with them might be with them for life. When they begin to fall in love with the children who are placed in their home, they are pulled into a complicated web which includes the children’s birth parents, the government, and social services organizations (all experiencing their own challenges and acting on their own motivations). Torn between their temporary duties as foster parents, their relationship with one another, and their growing connection to their foster children, they navigate frustration, hope, love, and sometimes a mix of all of these, to make their family a reality.
It’s clear from the way that Mark writes that he was meant to be a parent. I was so impressed by how meticulously researched yet unflinchingly honest and emotional this memoir is. We’ve seen foster care depicted in fictionalized TV and movies, but I feel Safe manages to show the many facets, the full breadth of this complicated, frustrating, yet rewarding experience. Through his thoughtful writing, Mark uses his voice to shine a light on the numerous intersecting elements and pressures impacting foster care, including institutionalized racism and broken systems.
As a gay man who has felt the pull of being a parent, I saw myself in Mark’s story. I related to his sensitivity and anxiety, and strong emotions. And while the story is substantiated with facts, the beating heart of this book is the emotional journey of Mark and Jason as they find out what it takes to make a family. That’s what makes Safe so special, and what will leave an impact on me.
I highly recommend this one.
Safe by Mark Daley is a perfectly balanced memoir, shining a light on the foster care experience. Filled with humor, heart, and truth, it is as enlightening as it is emotional.
Mark and his husband Jason are newlyweds when they decide to jump headfirst into becoming parents. As they explore their options as a gay couple, they decide to pursue fostering, giving a safe place to a child who needs it. Longing to create a family, Mark and Jason hope the child that gets placed with them might be with them for life. When they begin to fall in love with the children who are placed in their home, they are pulled into a complicated web which includes the children’s birth parents, the government, and social services organizations (all experiencing their own challenges and acting on their own motivations). Torn between their temporary duties as foster parents, their relationship with one another, and their growing connection to their foster children, they navigate frustration, hope, love, and sometimes a mix of all of these, to make their family a reality.
It’s clear from the way that Mark writes that he was meant to be a parent. I was so impressed by how meticulously researched yet unflinchingly honest and emotional this memoir is. We’ve seen foster care depicted in fictionalized TV and movies, but I feel Safe manages to show the many facets, the full breadth of this complicated, frustrating, yet rewarding experience. Through his thoughtful writing, Mark uses his voice to shine a light on the numerous intersecting elements and pressures impacting foster care, including institutionalized racism and broken systems.
As a gay man who has felt the pull of being a parent, I saw myself in Mark’s story. I related to his sensitivity and anxiety, and strong emotions. And while the story is substantiated with facts, the beating heart of this book is the emotional journey of Mark and Jason as they find out what it takes to make a family. That’s what makes Safe so special, and what will leave an impact on me.
I highly recommend this one.
July 25, 2024
An emotional read that will have you bawling your eyes out. At times touching, and other times infuriating, this is a story about the foster care system and the emotional impact it can have on all those involved.
Mark and his new husband Jason were ready to have children. They thought about surrogacy, but ultimately decided on the adoption through foster care path that they hope would help make the world a better place for a young child. When they finally got the call, they were beyond ecstatic. But no matter how much you plan for any and all possibilities, nothing could prepare them for the journey that they were to undertake.
I could not put this down because I was just so invested in finding out what the outcome of this story would be. And I was not prepared for the emotions that would well up inside me as Daley described the agonizing truth about their journey through the foster care system. There's a lot of preconceived notions about foster care, but the truth of it is that it's a process that's really aimed at reunification of children with their parents. But even a system with the best of intentions can be taken advantaged of, and it's infuriating to see how the cracks in our system can lead to children falling through the cracks. That's still an understatement considering how poorly the system is run.
I have a lot of feelings on this and more, but I would rather keep this focused on the book. Daley's writing is very raw and honest, and he doesn't shy away from telling things how they are. You immediately become attached to the people in his life, and hope for the best in the end. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed at some of these situations that he described, but also felt just as elated when things did work out for the best.
Overall, this is a touching memoir that deserves to be read, especially those working in fields such as social work, law, education, and community engagement. We've got to start fixing all of the cracks, not just trying to save one or two people while everyone falls through it. And it doesn't have to be a long road; people just need to take action. So please give this one a read and reflect on what each of us can do to improve our society for the better.
Mark and his new husband Jason were ready to have children. They thought about surrogacy, but ultimately decided on the adoption through foster care path that they hope would help make the world a better place for a young child. When they finally got the call, they were beyond ecstatic. But no matter how much you plan for any and all possibilities, nothing could prepare them for the journey that they were to undertake.
I could not put this down because I was just so invested in finding out what the outcome of this story would be. And I was not prepared for the emotions that would well up inside me as Daley described the agonizing truth about their journey through the foster care system. There's a lot of preconceived notions about foster care, but the truth of it is that it's a process that's really aimed at reunification of children with their parents. But even a system with the best of intentions can be taken advantaged of, and it's infuriating to see how the cracks in our system can lead to children falling through the cracks. That's still an understatement considering how poorly the system is run.
I have a lot of feelings on this and more, but I would rather keep this focused on the book. Daley's writing is very raw and honest, and he doesn't shy away from telling things how they are. You immediately become attached to the people in his life, and hope for the best in the end. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed at some of these situations that he described, but also felt just as elated when things did work out for the best.
Overall, this is a touching memoir that deserves to be read, especially those working in fields such as social work, law, education, and community engagement. We've got to start fixing all of the cracks, not just trying to save one or two people while everyone falls through it. And it doesn't have to be a long road; people just need to take action. So please give this one a read and reflect on what each of us can do to improve our society for the better.
April 8, 2024
Oh if every foster child could be cared for by these two fellas. Mark reveals the gaping holes in the foster care system while convincing us that taking in children is worth it. They had every advantage and used it to help those in need - support from friends and family, a nanny, large income, space, flexibility and a very healthy emotional IQ. loved them.
Foster parents are painted in the extreme - "Pious saints or financial opportunists, or worse, predators". these guys were unpious saints, btw.
So frustrated about Nadia - the terrible case worker that ultimately ruined everything, Amber and Zach the inept birth parents.
When starting a marketing campaign to attract more foster parents for teens, they first formed focus groups and were able to pinpoint exactly the type of person who would be most willing to step up and be a good fit - Single women in their 50's. They'd raised children and were empty nesters, most divorced or widowed so they didn't have to convince a reluctant spouse. But the real common thread was the experience they shared in not being able to help somebody they loved. Most were teachers and watched promising students whose ambitions were shattered by neglect/abuse. They witnessed much heartache and wanted to make a difference going forward.
Another awful sidenote was learning that foster parents - the ones who do the bulk of the lifting were mostly voiceless because if they tried to "tattle" too much on the birth parents, they were viewed as having a bias and could be making things up just to get rights to the child. or "trying to tank reunification efforts to serve their own interests." So mostly, their hands were tied and they were at the mercy of hundreds of other social workers, courts, and caseworkers - many of whom didn't have time to do a complete job or dropped the ball. Others didn't care. There were some who did though. Makes me wonder more about those that don't do the job right - since it's not high-paying, it must mostly be overwhelm. Glad he blew the whistle hard on them. I wonder if it will help.
Foster parents are painted in the extreme - "Pious saints or financial opportunists, or worse, predators". these guys were unpious saints, btw.
So frustrated about Nadia - the terrible case worker that ultimately ruined everything, Amber and Zach the inept birth parents.
When starting a marketing campaign to attract more foster parents for teens, they first formed focus groups and were able to pinpoint exactly the type of person who would be most willing to step up and be a good fit - Single women in their 50's. They'd raised children and were empty nesters, most divorced or widowed so they didn't have to convince a reluctant spouse. But the real common thread was the experience they shared in not being able to help somebody they loved. Most were teachers and watched promising students whose ambitions were shattered by neglect/abuse. They witnessed much heartache and wanted to make a difference going forward.
Another awful sidenote was learning that foster parents - the ones who do the bulk of the lifting were mostly voiceless because if they tried to "tattle" too much on the birth parents, they were viewed as having a bias and could be making things up just to get rights to the child. or "trying to tank reunification efforts to serve their own interests." So mostly, their hands were tied and they were at the mercy of hundreds of other social workers, courts, and caseworkers - many of whom didn't have time to do a complete job or dropped the ball. Others didn't care. There were some who did though. Makes me wonder more about those that don't do the job right - since it's not high-paying, it must mostly be overwhelm. Glad he blew the whistle hard on them. I wonder if it will help.
August 18, 2024
Extremely compelling, Daley's haunting story about navigating the foster care system as a would-be adoptive parent will stick with me for a long while. I could not stop listening. At times Daley is a bit pedantic ( I could have done less self-questioning and justifying why he truly wanted what was best for the kids when it was completely obvious). The foster care system errs on the side of favoring biological parents to a degree that seems excessive and inconsiderate to the needs of the foster parents who are doing an extremely valuable service. If those parents are inadequate or abusive, it only serves to underscore even more the need to truly examine the conditions of the different homes - both of the bio-parents and the foster parents. Daley ties in the risks of giving one's heart to a child and even another person - risks we all undertake, whether biologically related or not. The ending of this book is both a gut punch and a reason to celebrate, and I will not soon forget it.
December 9, 2024
This was an easy read in that the storytelling and the way it is shared is easy to follow it’s just hard to swallow. This is a beautiful journey depicting foster care and the systems in place, the kids you get to love and the viscous cycle. I love how it takes a look at authority and trust and the cycle of abuse. I love that it shared how little foster parents have a say in their case or in keeping them safe. This is a great read if you’re curious about foster care or know someone fostering.
February 12, 2024
I listened to the audiobook on Audible - read by the author which made it so much more personal. Such an incredible, infuriating, beautiful, heart wrenching, heart warming and important story. So glad that Mark Daley is bravely sharing his own story, which in turn, staunchly advocates and gives an eye opening account of all children and families in the broken foster system.
February 29, 2024
Well written memoir about the challenges of fostering and the lack of supports within the system. There are good people that want to do this good work - we need to do a better job as a country to support the needs of the kids and those who want to provide a safe, loving home.
June 18, 2024
Such a roller coaster. I admire Mark for sharing his journey and bringing to light the struggles of the foster care system.
April 22, 2025
A gorgeous memoir detailing the successes and failures of the foster care system. 10/10 especially for anyone with any knowledge or curiosity about the system
June 30, 2024
Such a raw and real story of the broken foster care system and the victims it leaves behind
February 7, 2024
I tore through this book. Safe is a heartwarming and poignant look at fatherhood and fostering. Told with humor and well paced, this memoir gave a revelatory glimpse into the foster care system. Every page explores the bravery and vulnerability required to meet the challenge of keeping kids safe.
March 7, 2024
Wow. The most beautiful, heart wrenching, accurate book about foster care that I’ve ever read. The experience of this family is so close to my own it was honestly triggering at times, and I had to put it down. I could’ve finished it in a day if it weren’t for my own experiences and mental health coming into play.
Mark encapsulates the foster care experience (especially in CA) so well that I would recommend this book to anyone curious about what it’s like. Not to scare you away, but to inform and educate you on what it’s really like to be a foster parent in a very broken system. And above all, how we can continue to love, even when we feel we have nothing left to give.
I’d give this book 10 ⭐️ if I could.
Mark encapsulates the foster care experience (especially in CA) so well that I would recommend this book to anyone curious about what it’s like. Not to scare you away, but to inform and educate you on what it’s really like to be a foster parent in a very broken system. And above all, how we can continue to love, even when we feel we have nothing left to give.
I’d give this book 10 ⭐️ if I could.
March 5, 2024
If you are thinking about being a foster parent, read this book. If you ARE a foster parent read this book. For anyone who wants to understand the roller coaster of emotions that come with being a foster parent - this book is a must-read. Our experience with foster care mirrors Mark's - the pain of loss is real. The joy of adoption is real. Thank you for putting this on paper, Mark.
May 11, 2024
A unique look at the foster care system. Read as part of CE as a CASA.
It's hard to read at moments when you realize how broken the system is, how large the caseloads are, and how many children aren't in ideal situations even after reunification.
I couldn't get over the thought that this couple went shopping for a family in the foster care system. Their mindset was focused on adoption instead of focused on the first goal: reunification. They were forced to be involved with the bio family more than they should have been, again because the system didn't have adequate resouces, and they didn't have the HSA case liaison from the beginning. No mention of a CASA, which could have been another buffer for them.
They also were no longer foster available because they adopted. They advocated for others to join them in fostering, but they entered with a finish line in mind, to exit fostering.
I'm happy they got their happy ending with their 3 children. I'm heartbroken that the other 3 children suffered irreparable harm before their dad stepped up.
Lots to consider and discuss with our CASA group.
It's hard to read at moments when you realize how broken the system is, how large the caseloads are, and how many children aren't in ideal situations even after reunification.
I couldn't get over the thought that this couple went shopping for a family in the foster care system. Their mindset was focused on adoption instead of focused on the first goal: reunification. They were forced to be involved with the bio family more than they should have been, again because the system didn't have adequate resouces, and they didn't have the HSA case liaison from the beginning. No mention of a CASA, which could have been another buffer for them.
They also were no longer foster available because they adopted. They advocated for others to join them in fostering, but they entered with a finish line in mind, to exit fostering.
I'm happy they got their happy ending with their 3 children. I'm heartbroken that the other 3 children suffered irreparable harm before their dad stepped up.
Lots to consider and discuss with our CASA group.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 23, 2023
As a former (single) foster parent, I was nervous and skeptical to read this book. Many books on foster care paint the highly-complex and mulit-faceted foster care system as being 1- or 2- dimensional. This book does not. Mark Daley's "Safe" brings to light the infinite dimensions of foster care in a way I have never seen before.
Mark invites the reader immediately into his his home, welcoming us without a thought or judgement to become a part of the Daley family, with all of our own familial faults and chaos. Mark takes us on an intimate journey with him and his husband as they spend time together learning, exploring and examinimg not just what it means to keep a child safe, but what it means to be a family, and at the end of the day, what is love and what we will do for love.
Mark creates space for the reader to join him and take this profound, deep and reflective journey with him.
This book is a must read for everyone in child welfare, social work, behavioral health or public policy; anyone considering becoming a foster parent, anyone who knows a foster parent, anyone concerned about kids sleeping in offices, and really, just anyone who wants to think big about deep issues.
Mark offers hope, laughter, humility, resilience and grace, and creates an opening to re-examine with nuance and honesty the complex and broken state of the current child welfare and child protection systems, and maybe, just maybe, a starting place to come together and have the big, bold, fearless conversations we need to start to fix it.
Thank you Mark, for your heart, your honesty, your family, and your resilience in writing this memoir. I belly laughed, I cried, I felt sad, I felt frustrated, and on a personal level, I relived some of the hardest moment of my personal foster care experience when my heart ached with you in places I had forgot even existed in my body. This book is relatable, honest, raw, and revealing. Nuanced, complex, thoughtful and, utterly, completely perfect.
Mark invites the reader immediately into his his home, welcoming us without a thought or judgement to become a part of the Daley family, with all of our own familial faults and chaos. Mark takes us on an intimate journey with him and his husband as they spend time together learning, exploring and examinimg not just what it means to keep a child safe, but what it means to be a family, and at the end of the day, what is love and what we will do for love.
Mark creates space for the reader to join him and take this profound, deep and reflective journey with him.
This book is a must read for everyone in child welfare, social work, behavioral health or public policy; anyone considering becoming a foster parent, anyone who knows a foster parent, anyone concerned about kids sleeping in offices, and really, just anyone who wants to think big about deep issues.
Mark offers hope, laughter, humility, resilience and grace, and creates an opening to re-examine with nuance and honesty the complex and broken state of the current child welfare and child protection systems, and maybe, just maybe, a starting place to come together and have the big, bold, fearless conversations we need to start to fix it.
Thank you Mark, for your heart, your honesty, your family, and your resilience in writing this memoir. I belly laughed, I cried, I felt sad, I felt frustrated, and on a personal level, I relived some of the hardest moment of my personal foster care experience when my heart ached with you in places I had forgot even existed in my body. This book is relatable, honest, raw, and revealing. Nuanced, complex, thoughtful and, utterly, completely perfect.
August 4, 2024
Ugh this book gave me the ick the whole time I was listening to it. This is not a good book for potential foster parents to read. The whole fairy tale ending thing came too easy and the author’s attitude about the birth parents was so gross. He tried to say the right things, how he was never rooting against the bio mom while also admitting he was relieved when she dropped out of rehab. He spent the whole book whining about the uncertainty of it all— my guy, what did you expect from foster care???? He included chapters full of statistics about how BIPOC kids are misrepresented in the system, while ultimately adopting 3 kids who aren’t white. The whole book just reeks with privilege and I feel like doesn’t capture the true goal of what foster care should be. I also cringed at his horrible depiction of one of the social workers and the birth parents. These are real people!! Even if they weren’t great, imagine reading that portrayal of yourself in this book?? And to what purpose?
2 stars because he was brave enough to be honest and he’s a decent writer, but do not recommend.
2 stars because he was brave enough to be honest and he’s a decent writer, but do not recommend.
April 11, 2024
This book starts out like a fairy-tale but I found myself quickly burning through the pages like a thriller eager to know what happens next. Through Mark’s own personal experiences as well as his experience as a parent traversing through the foster care system he is able to shine a light on where we fall short for children most in need who find themselves in a system in need of deep repair. It’s a story about the unpredictability of life and how each moment contains both fragility and strength so that when looking backwards at it one finds a story of survival that when one turns around and looks forward they find hope. It was a remarkable look into what he and his husband went through to understand what it means to love as a parent and how love leads to sometimes having to make unselfish and unimaginable decisions for the betterment of others.
September 29, 2024
This book was infuriating. This author predicated his family future on the the promise of another family falling apart or children losing their parents. Foster care doesn't guarantee that the foster parents will be the permanent parents. But it was the working assumption of the author and the cause of much of his sadness and frustration when things failed to move in this direction.
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