Getting to Sorry: The Art of Apology at Work and at Home

by Marjorie Ingall, Susan McCarthy

“A witty, useful guide” ( People ) to apologies, why they matter, and the healing power of saying you’re sorry, from the dynamic duo behind the acclaimed SorryWatch site.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that terrible apologies are the worst . We’ve all been on the receiving end, and oh, how they make us seethe. Horrible public apologies—excuse-laden, victim blame-y, weaselly statements—often go viral instantaneously, whether they’re from a celebrity, a politician, or a blogger. We all recognize bad apologies when we hear them. So why is it so hard to apologize well? How can we do better? How could they do better?

Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy show us the way with this fresh book that is “philosophically deep, crisply reported, and funny as heck all the way through” (Clive Thompson, author of Coders ). Drawing on a deep well of research in psychology, sociology, law, and medicine, they explain why a good apology is hard to find and why it doesn’t have to be. Alongside their six (and a half)-step formula for apologizing beautifully, Ingall and McCarthy also delve into how to respond to a bad apology; why corporations, celebrities, and governments seldom apologize well; how to teach children to apologize; how gender and race affect both apologies and forgiveness; and most of all, why good apologies are essential, powerful, and restorative.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Relationships, Communication, Personal Development

368 pages, Paperback

First published January 10, 2023

About the author

Marjorie Ingall is the co-author, with internationally bestselling author Susan McCarthy, of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies (now out in paperback as Getting to Sorry) and the author of Mamaleh Knows Best. A frequent contributor to The New York Times Book Review, she's a former columnist for Tablet Magazine and The Forward (where she was known as “The East Village Mamele”). She's written for a whole lot of other publications and ghostwritten other people's books. Way back in the day, she was the senior writer and books editor at Sassy. Fun fact: She worked on the launch of the Oxygen TV network, but discovered that her perkiness levels were not up to a job in daytime TV.

Reviews

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

when (if) i ever re-enter the social world, this book will help me apologize to all the folks i've been neglecting.

still ostriching...

[Marjorie Ingall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Edited to add: The hardcover title is Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! The paperback title is Getting to Sorry! They are the SAME BOOK! The paperback is cheaper! Publishing is fakakta!

Original review:

I loved working with Susan McCarthy (the book is based on SorryWatch, the apology watchdog site we've done together since—gulp—2012) and I'm so proud of the result. There's SO MUCH brain science, social science, and historical research involved...but we made sure it's fun to read.

And of course, the subject is essential to living in a functional, fair, and humane world.

[Alice · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great read if you want to learn about how to apologize well, why people don’t apologize (or well), and cultural factors in gender and power that play into apologies. I liked how the authors focus on an appropriate response to situations — it’s common sense, but the message that harming other people means an apology is due, and how there’s also situations where an apology isn’t appropriate.
Everyone deserves the grace to work through their blind spots, biases, and prejudices. After all, our brains work hard to justify our own behavior and blame others for theirs, so it takes work to own up to our mistakes and make amends. I learned that apologizing is connected with our perception of being in a one-down position and that good apologies focus on behaviors, not who we are. Our culture today is one where narcissism, self-absorption, and less empathy are prevalent — maybe apologizing is a way to fight that??
There was a part in the book that explained why children need to see good apologies modeled by adults because it affects how they will view apologizing as adults. Children need to see their apologies accepted, not as a means to be humiliated or rejected. This made me think about how many adults talk about wanting to make a world a better place, and that modeling good apologies to young people can be a powerful application of that desire to create a community that is kind and respectful.
Biggest takeaway is that my pride is most fed when I refuse to apologize properly, and I struggle with my desire to be right and the reality when I am in the wrong 😕
What I didn’t like: the length …. felt like it could have been more powerful if it was short & sweet, there was kind of an overload of examples/stories

[Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

If I were to recommend a book on apologies, I'd recommend Why Won't You Apologize over this one.

This one was trying too hard to be funny, and it really wasn't that funny. Maybe a few things here and there, and it was a little annoying. I also could not figure out what the authors believe is their "authority" to write on this topic, as the only "credentials" they offered readers was that they run an "apology site" where people submit their good, bad, and ugly apologies. Not sure if that makes them qualified to write this book, but I digress.

Overall, what will stick with me the most is what the authors drove home: an apology is not about you, but the other person. Saying the words "I regret" or "I apologize" don't cut it. You need the words "I'm sorry" specifically. And no "I'm sorry but" or "I'm sorry you feel that way." More of, "I'm sorry my action hurt you." Followed by a "it won't happen again."

[anna ✩ · Rating 4 out of 5]

great advice on how to give (or not give) apologies, how to accept (or not accept) them, and how to generally navigate the world in a more compassionate way! there are TONS of real-world examples and cited sources to dig into in this thing. the only thing I didn’t like so much was the authors’ attempts to be cute or funny, which made my Gen Z brain cringe a little bit. :’)

[Thea Piersimoni · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one was a bit of a disappointment for me. Heavy on how people(notables) got it wrong and light on how to it who got it right. But then again I stopped about 70% of the way through. I wanted to like it more..

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars! Why is it so hard to apologize and why is it so necessary that we do? These questions and more are tackled in this book which I found to be a very thorough exploration of the culture, psychology, and science of apology. The authors created a six-step apology format to help hone the reader’s own apology and to help them parse through the apologies they see on social media or in their day to day life. A variety of apologies were given as examples, from the earnest, humble, and contrite, to the abominable, ego-filled apologies that make us all so angry. While there were some points in the book where we seemed to get a little in the weeds and off topics, it was overall an enlightening read!

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever wondered if you truly know how to apologize? Do you ever wonder if you have to forgive someone after they say sorry? Have you ever judged someone based solely on their apology? Grab this book. Yes, this is a nonfiction book so there are a few dry parts, but overall the writing is funny and conversational and I was pleasantly surprised at how humorous they could make an entire book about apologizing be! I’m an enneagram 9, which means that I hate conflict…which alternatively means I hate apologizing because it means at some point there was conflict in my life and therefore I stress ate a lot of chocolate while reading this, but it was totally worth it. (I recommend Lindt dark chocolate truffles if you also need some chocolate.)

The nice thing about this book is that the chapters are very well organized and named so you know precisely what you’re getting into as you begin them. This means that you can skip a chapter you may not be inclined to need at the moment (but definitely should go back to when you have the time because it’s all very informative!). That being said, if you’re skipping around I highly suggest making space for the last three chapters as they are all extremely relevant to society.

Thank you Simon & Schuster for the ARC!

[Zelma Garza Salinas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read! It was one of those things where you THINK you know how to apologize, but you actually don't. It includes bad apologies bingo cards and analysis of corporate, medical, celebrity, political, government apologies (or lack of) and analysis on gender factors. Learned a lot! Some quick tips: use active voice in an apology, name what you did, acknowledge the impact your actions had, how will you do better? make it up to them. Don't make the apology about you! 10/10 recommend to all my friends that want to be better humans :)

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

great book! tons of interesting info, plus really useful advice for apologizing well (and recognizing good/bad apologies) and it’s also funny and well-written. lovely read

[Tracey Allen at Carpe Librum · Rating 3 out of 5]

Apologies are complex. A well-worded apology can soothe hurt feelings, save a failing relationship or repair one, while a bad apology can exacerbate the situation or end up causing further insult. Hopefully we've all been recipients of a good apology and remember how it made us feel. I can still remember an unexpected apology at a reunion once that blew me away and healed a hurt I'd long since forgotten I even had. I've also been the recipient of terrible non-apologies, some of which still make my blood boil if I pause to think of them again.

Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy are the brains behind SorryWatch, a website dedicated to analysing apologies in the news, media, history and literature. They 'condemn the bad and exalt the good' and it's easy to spend an age on their website, browsing everything from sports apologies and political apologies, to bropologies and true crime apologies.

Together, Ingall and McCarthy have published Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies in an attempt to educate the reader on what constitutes a good apology and the pitfalls to avoid delivering a bad one.

Some highlights on the do's and don'ts of apologising include apologising without rehashing past insults, like: "I'm sorry I criticised your terrible new hairstyle".* Another pitfall to avoid was the 'sorry you', for example "well I'm sorry you keep forgetting our anniversary". Time was also spent on avoiding the 'if' and 'but' apology: "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way", or "I'm sorry, but I never meant to offend anyone".

Attempts like: "anyone who knows me knows I'm not a racist / homophobe / insert slur here" also indicate efforts to dodge responsibility or accountability for our actions. These always sound like weasel words to me, but now I have a clearer understanding of why they never sound like genuine apologies.

In Chapter 3 (Sorry If, Sorry But, Sorry You: Things Not to Say), I learned about performative utterances. A performative utterance is a statement where the words are the action, like "I insist" or "I promise" or "I swear". "I'm sorry" is a performative utterance and saying it feels like an admission of wrongdoing. This makes us feel uncomfortable and we often don't want to admit fault, especially if we don't believe we've done anything wrong. Just ask any 4yo. Another strategy is the sarcastic apology: "well sorry for not checking with you first, I guess nobody's perfect," is a passive aggressive apology.

I do believe public apologies have changed over the decades, with PR companies and spin doctors writing statements and apologies that address an incident, event, oversight or mistake while not directly admitting any fault. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry includes some interesting examples of bad apologies like this from CEOs, police officials and politicians. I listened to the audiobook, which meant I was unable to visually enjoy the apology bingo tables that frequently accompanied the text. Since finishing the book though, I'm recognising lame apologies all around me, with plenty of 'sorry if' and 'I regret' and 'it was never my intention' examples.

No doubt we've all delivered a range of apologies that have missed the mark ourselves. So, how do we do better?

Here's the SorryWatch approach:
1. Use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologise.”
2. Say specifically what you’re sorry for.
3. Show you understand why the thing you said or did was bad.
4. Be very careful if you want to provide explanation; don’t let it shade into excuse.
5. Explain the actions you’re taking to insure this won’t happen again.
6. Can you make reparations? Make reparations.

Sounds simple enough doesn't it? When the topic of the apology is emotive, or the insult very grave, it can be hard to take the six steps outlined above. Fortunately I wasn't reading Sorry, Sorry, Sorry by Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy in preparation for a huge apology in my own life, but we can all improve the interactions we have with people, and I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to do that.

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies by Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy was an informative read and met the requirement for the Non Fiction 2023 Reader Challenge prompt for relationships.

*All examples in this review are my own.

[Hadley · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I didn’t entirely agree with everything the two authors covered, I still found this book incredibly helpful. Crafting apologies (good ones at that), is difficult, and standing up for yourself when you receive a bad apology is even harder.

This also briefly covers internet mobs, cancel culture, and barging into situations that do not involve you. I appreciate this so much! I feel like (especially with celebrities or influencers) when people make mistakes people are so quick to “cancel them” or join the internet hate train for some measly “likes.” It is so performative and “holier than thou.”

I listened to this on audible, so there were parts that I actually wanted to shoot my brains out listening to, but I got through it.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

ARC provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

Fascinating. They cover it all - what constitutes a good apology, a bad apology, and how getting it wrong (or having it be accepted) is different for celebrities, politicians, companies, government agencies, countries, men versus women, and more. They also cover the art of how to react to an apology. Also, they manage to be hilarious - this is not a dry read by any stretch of the imagination. Lots of interesting anecdotes to be found here!

[Fatima · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great read or gift. Supplemented w/ stories and examples- there’s no way you can read this and walk away where you started. I’d recommend a read and re-read for everyone - on EARTH. Class? Decency 101

[Tiffany · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good book to put into perspective of how we, as Americans, are pretty bad at apologizing. I loved the wit involved and it does help me walk away with some tools to use.

[Baht · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very timely read before the High Holy Days! A lot of modern and thoughtful examples. I’m looking forward to being in conversation with Margorie Ingall next week!

[Laura Pantera · Rating 4 out of 5]

Should be a required reading since no one knows how to apologize correctly

[Shannon Dalton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be required reading for all human beings.

[Kenny Ahlstrom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay Libby returned this on me with 10% remaining, but I plan on reading the final tenth of this book!

I thoroughly enjoyed this listen. Really interesting idea of what makes a good apology and what doesn’t. They cite many historical, presidential, and celebrity apologies and break them down. I also learned how to apologize better and be more gracious in receiving apologies.

Loved it!

[Dave Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

A quick overview of my experience with this exhaustive guide to and study of the art of good (and bad) apologies:
There are portions that are incredibly insightful

There are a few sections that will be necessary to have accessible, as learning how to apologize well, as they suggest, is not only a life long endeavor, it's a practice that needs, well, practice.

There are portions that I found frustrating, most notably the chapter on forgiveness.

A caveat on that front. I am someone that tends to be far less interested in the how than I am in the why, and the why of apologies is limited to what could be a single sentence stated at both the front and the back of the book- apologizing makes us wiser (because it requires us to learn), it makes the world kinder and a better place to live in.

Or to cite the books opening line, "apologies are evidence of a society that cares about itself , a society that honors other people's experiences, thoughts, and feelings as precious. In tiny ways, and larger ones, apologies move us toward justice."

Yes, I know. This sounds great. Optimal. Do we need more motivation? If the only concern is the functional, maybe not. The problem, for me anyways, is that the why tends to play into the functional in more ways than we think. And when the necessary foundation or worldview of the one making certain claims or arguments is absent or not clarified, it creates problems once we are knee deep in the discussion.

And let me be perfectly clear. This book is almost entirely functional in its concern, filled with case studies, dabbling in some science, borrowing from a self stated well versed bibliography on the topic, anecdotal evidence, and plenty of how too's (including some very helpful bad apology bingo cards

To a fault? Perhaps. Depends on the reader.

The book starts off simple enough. In case it needs to be said (and arguably, it does), there are bad apologies and there are good ones. And it matters. Why? At its heart, it would seem, the authors believe it is because apologizing has to do with matters of power.

And this is a crucial point to consider: to apologize is to give some of your power away.

And "that's hard".

Thus the author moves into "six simple steps to getting it right". What does getting it right look like? It "corrects imbalances, respects a person's value, and takes away an insult." What does it look like to get it wrong? it makes matters "worse". That's our measure.

Here we start to get into some of the nitty gritty of the art of apologizing well, and it involves checking some of our hard and fast tendencies at the door. One of the biggest mistakes is apologizing in ways that make you and your feelings the central concern. Expressing regret. emphasizing excuses or reasons. Apologizing using ambiguities or generalities. Apologizing badly also includes phrases like, "I'm sorry but...", or "I'm sorry you felt harmed by my words..."

Apologizing well should include clarity, specifics, and action words. At the heart of any apology is letting an offended party know that you know what the harm is.

These are the strongest portions of the book. From here we begin to delve into the science, which I was interested in, and into institutions, celebrities, and politics, all of which I had far less interest in (although since I am as privy to culturally entrenched apologies as most others, some of it was entertaining to walk through).

On the science front, the authors begin with the statement that we all have "a compelling psychological need to see ourselves as the hero of our own story", and a tendency to deal with the cognitive dissonance this creates when such conceptions clash with reality (yes, we all make mistakes and cause harm) in specific ways.

And, shock of all shocks, we all have egos and biases, although as, the authors state, inherently good persons (although such an ambiguously applied statement gets betrayed soon after when the assumption needs there to be not so good persons).

Here I came across a bit of cognitive dissonance of my own. I'm listening to the authors describe the majority of people who believe themselves to be inherently good and the heros of their story, and my mind is saying, but that's not my experience. And I didn't quite know what to do with that.

I have often held to the adage that there are two ways to tell the narrative of your life. One that shows it to be a success story, the other that shows it to be an abject failure. And, rationally speaking, based on how our minds construct these narratives, its possible neither are true, both are true, or that we survive by convincing ourselves of the success story (based on a constructed set of measures) when in fact the failures represent reality.

I would argue that, if we are simply taking the science in purely functional terms, we are forced to admit that apologizing is in fact an act of manipulation. Our brains do this, we must manipulate it into doing or thinking something different. And there is a very real danger there of such a truth actually being a play of power when applied to life's functionality. The authors desperately try to appeal to sincerity as a governing rule (if you don't truly mean it, don't say it), but that ends up betrayed by the functional depictions of what is going on when we apologize. Scientifically we are a product of our brains, and those brains can be manipulated accordingly. Not only that, but efforts to appeal to sincerity as an inherent value fall flat pretty quickly when applied to the science of apologies and the brain. Sincerity doesn't actually matter as much as the authors seem to believe it does. Conceptions of sincerity matter. This is perhaps no more apparent than the many examples it gives from the entertainment industry and politics.

This is one reason why doing the heavy work of fleshing out the why and building a necessary foundation for any like-minded projects and topics is so important. Otherwise we end up binding ourselves to inconsistencies that, when questions are posed of it, begin to easily fall apart.

What's the answer in my opinion? Building a clear foundation based on articulated assumptions. The assumptions don't need to be proven, they simply need to be stated and established as the things we are reasoning from, something the authors don't quite do as well as dealing with the functional (which have limitations here as well).

Lets take how they deal with the subject of forgiveness. Unlike the apology, forgiveness is treated as an optional function of choice relating to the person doing the forgiving. It is also defined, although with a lack of clarity, in terms of the western justice system, which shows its ugly head in some reductive descriptors of world religions.

Again, my opinion, but I would flip the equation somewhat, making forgivness the foundation as a governing concept, albeit one that is defined differently than the authors seem to employ (I would reject penal and transactional terms and replace it with restorative and active terms), and the apology as the functional practice within that. Forgiveness is not optional, it's a fundamental truth of existence that governs how we understand god, the world, and humanity.

If this all sounds overly critical, I do admit that the book struck different chords as I went along. To be clear, I suspect many readers will be far less concerned with the why than I am, and thus these portions of the book I address above would be far less complicated. For me it matters a lot to deciphering and considering my motivations towards something, especially where it concerns matters of reality and identity.

That said, I would not hesitate to recommend it, and will be happy to have my owned copy at hand as a resource, even if I don't see eye to eye with it all. I picked it up on recommendation (a shout out to said individual), at least in part because I had just finished two other related books (On Repentance and Repair, and Loving Disagreement). And it was a good compliment, for sure. I found it speaking to some hard conflict stuff of the past number of months in my own life, giving me more awareness and understanding of some of the hurt I felt, why I felt it, and some things I could have managed better as well. And that's always a measure of a worthwhile read.

[Kelly Finley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book didn’t hold my attention long enough to finish the whole book. While some chapters were captivating, I got lost in their storytelling. The writing was concise in some areas, which can happen when you have two authors.

Overall, I feel the subject matter is important. The delivery fell a bit short of expectations.

[Gayle Forman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can a book about apologies be one of the most relevant books of our times? Yes, Dear Reader, it can. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry is funny, smart, informative, and deep. It brims with entertaining and informative research about how when people apologize well, hostility (and lawsuits) goes down (I'm looking at you overly cautious cautious, CYA medicine). At the crux of it, this book is a guide to sitting with your discomfort when you have done something wrong, owning it, and making right. So simple and yet so hard. My goodness, can you imagine what a world would look like if this were put into practice?'

This book is brilliant, provocative, humane, funny, and necessary. Read it. You won't be.... sorry.

[wade · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book studies the practice of apologies from every conceivable angle. Everything is looked at - good and bad apologies, when they are needed and when not, and all manner of celebrity apologies including politicians, movie and music stars, sports icons, etc. You get the picture. To me, this book could have been condensed by at ;east one hundred pages. Maybe my situation is odd but I can think of very few times I needed to apologize nor times I needed an apology from someone else. The focus here might have been on thinking before you speak and write to not hurt others.

[Ciera Bohm · Rating 2 out of 5]

the introduction was fantastic, and honestly, the book should’ve ended there. i only half read the rest because the authors give a ton of contradicting advice and evidence, share unnecessary/irrelevant stories, and pretend to be the experts on a topic where that is impossible. two stars for the few tidbits i did take away, such as key words to leave out of apologies.

[Madeline Adams · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wish this was a short infographic that summarized the do's and dont's. The authors came off rude and condescending at times.

[Chris Boutté · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has far more good things about it than negatives, so I’ll start by saying that I do think everyone should read it. Apologizing is one of the most important things we can do to maintain relationships and be a decent person. Marjorie and Susan are excellent writers and write for Sorry Watch, which analyzes apologies. This is something I’m typically against, but these two women do an awesome job.

What I loved about this book is how many studies they bring to the book along with stories of various apologies. They discuss public apologies from high-profile people as well as stories from some of their readers. In my opinion, the best chapters are toward the end where they discuss the biases, sexism and racism that are involved in apologies. They also do a fantastic job discussing forgiveness and how it’s up to the person who was harmed to forgive and how they don’t have to.

My criticisms of the book are minor, but I think they should be discussed. At some points in the book, they can come off as policing apologies. Sometimes, you put the person apologizing in a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation, but these two do a pretty good job explaining the importance of letting people screw up, apologize, learn from it and grow, which I respect a ton. Too often, people screw up and then we don’t allow them room to grow, which doesn’t help anyone.

Lastly, as someone who has been sober over 10 years and got sober through 12-step programs, I really didn’t like how they discussed newly sober people apologize. They discuss it in passing and pretty much limit it to, “Someone might get sober and apologize to make themselves feel better,” and mention it’s part of their 12-step program. Not only was how they discussed it mostly incorrect, but there was a huge missed opportunity. People actually working the program are some of the best apologizers in the world, and it aligns with most of what was taught in this book. For the ninth step, we’re taught to not make the apology about us and to not expect forgiveness for what we’ve done. There’s a lot that goes into these acts of making amends, which is why it’s not step one. The authors almost make it sound like we’re taught to send a quick text saying, “My bad,” and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Overall, this book is a must-read because all of us will need to humble ourselves and apologize at some point. There’s far more good in this book than bad despite my lengthy criticism of the 12-step aspect, and I hope a ton of people read this book and learn from it.

[BOOKLOVER EB · Rating 4 out of 5]

In "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry," Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy make "the case for good apologies." They have conducted extensive research and cite a host of studies to illustrate their assertions. In addition, they are constantly on the lookout for apologies, both terrific and terrible, from politicians, celebrities, government officials, physicians, religious leaders, and ordinary folks. Ingall and McCarthy suggest that effective apologies have certain qualities in common. They focus on the people to whom you are expressing remorse; they specify why an apology is needed (avoid the unhelpful phrase "mistakes were made"), offer restitution when appropriate, and make it clear that you are determined not to make the same mistake twice.

One of the greatest strengths of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry" is its humor. Ingall and McCarthy entertain us with dozens of amusing anecdotes. Furthermore, in a particularly significant chapter, the authors emphasize that parents and teachers should demonstrate and model the art of apologizing well to children. In addition, there are pertinent chapters on social media, forgiveness, and how the genders differ in their approaches to apologizing.

I have some quibbles with the length of "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry"—it could have been edited to eliminate repetitiveness—the authors' use of profanity, and the insertion of their political views into the mix. On the other hand, Ingall and McCarthy unambiguously acknowledge that apologizing is not a partisan matter; it applies to everyone, regardless of one's identity, or opinions on race, religion, and other hot-button issues. That being said, "Sorry, Sorry, Sorry" points out that people from all walks of life frequently attempt to weasel out of apologizing meaningfully. Instead, they focus on their own anguish ("I am so ashamed."), make lame excuses ("I was in a bad place when I said those things"), refuse to take responsibility ("what I said does not reflect who I am"), and make matters worse rather than healing rifts. We all need to learn a thing or two about how to apologize graciously. It would be better, however, not to treat our family, colleagues, and friends disrespectfully in the first place. Then we will not need to say "I'm sorry" so often.

[John Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, by Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy; Gallery Books: New York: $28.99 paperback
“Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again…,” is the beginning of a famous Frank Sinatra song. When should we finally deal with regrets, wrongs we’ve done, and apologize? Is there a proper time, place, or indeed, manner in which apologies are best? Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy, successful, eclectic writers often published in major journals and newspapers, offer this ‘Case for Good Apologies’. Wait, good? That means there might be bad, or wrong ways to apologize? Yes there are, as these authors point out in absolutely gripping, truly touching, and often hilarious examples.
Ingall and McCarthy are a duo who present Sorrywatch.com. They’ve investigated the how, why, and who about apologies since 2012. We discover there are facets of apology which are ancient, even biological. They present especially well what a good apology looks and sounds like. We discover that nowhere in said apology do we find ‘excuse’ words like but, if, and although. Examples in great abundance are here for you to read, laugh at, enjoy, and learn from. We learn how apologies work at various age levels, throughout history, and in various places such as home and workplace. After each building block of understanding, we come to see how society functions best when apologies are sincere and heart felt.
Of particular note are apologies given by celebrities. These merit whole segments to themselves. Those who live in a spotlight often use that light to convey regret, although regret can have a sinister meaning as well. I’m hesitant to give too many examples. I want to entice you to read this remarkably clever, funny, but truly helpful guide. Of especial note are what not to say when apologizing. We learn to feel empathy for the recipient of your apology. We further discover what we are doing to them when we express remorse. We are advised on what each type of apology generates in the recipient’s mind. Furthermore, we learn how best to forgive, and what that means in life and future relationships. Reconciliation can come as a wonderous gift, and be cherished for a lifetime. Getting the courage to apologize, and do it right, is what this book is all about.

[Jas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Notes
- 6 parts
Say sorry, for what you did, show why bad, only explain if needed no excuses, say why won’t happen again, offer to make up for it, listen
- I’m sorry I made you feel this way not I’m sorry you feel that way
- active not passive
- Victims see culmination of events, perp sees it as a single moment and victims response as out of proportion
- Just world bias: a belief that good is rewarded with good and bad as rewarded with bad. When we observe something happening to someone, we want to believe that there was something that they did to cause it because innately we want to believe that it won’t happen to us. There was an experiment where they observed a woman who was being infected with some level of pain and people felt bad at first, but as the pain went on their opinion of her continued to drop, and later on, when they found out that she was being compensated, the opinion of her went up. It’s like because she was being paid, she must be such a strong person to bear this pain versus their idea of her initially was oh she’s so weak. She’s continuing to be so paid. The stuff doesn’t add up or make sense.
- The reason this is important for apologies if it’s because if you have this, just world bias, you are inclined to believe that people are responsible for their own suffering. That if you did something to them and then they suffered you won’t feel sorry about it and if you don’t feel sorry about it then don’t apologize for it because you’ll probably end up doing worse because you’re not going to be apologizing sincerely. If you have caused someone else’s suffering, please open your mind to listen and see their point of view and hopefully you can come to terms where you can actually truly feel sorry. When people think that people are responsible for their own suffering, and they inflicted some kind of suffering on another person, they may only feel pressure to say sorry because other people may hold him accountable versus social media, friends, their job, or something else, and not truly be sorry
- apologies are necessary but forgiveness is not
- forgiveness is not a weakness nor is apologizing

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

"AN INSIGHTFUL, HILARIOUS, AND ILLUMINATING EXPLORATION OF APOLOGIES, WHY THEY MATTER, AND THE HEALING POWER OF THE WORDS 'I'M SORRY' "
"It's a truth universally acknowledged that terrible apologies are the worst. We've all been on the receiving end, and oh, how they make us seethe. Horrible public apologies -- excuse laden, victim blame-y, and weaselly -- often go viral instantaneously, whether they're from a celebrity, a politician, or a blogger. We all recognize bad apologies when we hear them. So why is it so hard to apologize well? How can we do better? How could they do better?

"Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy show us the way. Drawing on a deep well of research in psychology, sociology, law, and medicine, they explain why a good apology is hard to come by and why that doesn't have to be. Alongside their six (and a half)-step formula for apologizing beautifully, Ingall and McCarthy also delve into how to respond to a bad apology; why corporations, celebrities, and governments seldom apologize well; how to teach children to apologize; how gender and race affect both apologies and forgiveness; and most of all, why good apologies are essential, powerful, and restorative. A good apology can do so many things -- mend fences, heal wounds, and bring more harmony to ourselves and our society at large.

"With wit, deep introspection, and laugh-out-loud humor, Ingall and McCarthy's guidance will help make the world a better place, one apology at a time."
~~front flap

This was an absolutely smashing book. Not only does it lay out the basic ingredients for a good apology, the humor is witty and hilarious. Laugh-out-loud is correct -- I found myself laughing out loud often.

I won't go into the six (and a half) steps here -- I'd have to recapitulate six chapters,. Instead, I'll let you read the book for yourself, which I urge you to do -- especially if you have an apology that needs to be made (as I do) or if you're still smarting from a bungles one (as I am.)