Love and Respect in the Family: The Respect Parents Desire; The Love Children Need

by Emerson Eggerichs

The secret to parenting success is out! Children need love, parents need respect. It's as simple and complex as that. Bestselling author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has studied family dynamics for more than 30 years, earning a Ph.D. in Child and Family Ecology. As a senior pastor for nearly two decades, he builds on a foundation of strong biblical principles, walking the reader through an entirely new way to approach the family dynamic. When frustrated with an unresponsive child, a parent doesn’t declare, “You don’t love me.” Instead, the parent asserts, “You are being disrespectful right now.” A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts. When upset a child does not whine, “You don’t respect me.” Instead, a child pouts, “You don’t love me.” A child needs to feel loved, especially during disputes. But here’s the An unloved child or teen negatively reacts in a way that feels disrespectful to a parent. A disrespected parent negatively reacts in a way that feels unloving to the child. This dynamic gives birth to the FAMILY CRAZY CYCLE. This book teaches you Based on what the Bible says about parenting, this book focuses on achieving healthy family dynamics. Dr. Eggerichs offers unprecedented transparency from his wife and three adult children, who share wisdom gained from the good, the bad, and the ugly of their family life. It's all here in this eye-opening exploration of the biblical principles on parenting that can help make families function as God intended.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Christian, Relationships, Self Help, Faith, Marriage

288 pages, Hardcover

First published December 4, 2012

About the author

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Reviews

[Chad · Rating 3 out of 5]

A helpful book on improving your relationship with your kids, by understanding their need for love and your need for respect. It explains how to avoid the "Family Crazy Cycle" and move to the "Family Energizing Cycle" and then to the "Family Rewarded Cycle." Basically, you get children to be obedient and respectful by loving and understanding them, but you must love your children unto Christ regardless of their respect for you. This book wasn't as beneficial as Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family, Teach Them Diligently: How to Use the Scriptures in Child Training, or Hints on Child Training

Eggerichs uses the acronym GUIDES to remind you how to parent:
• Give so child's basic needs can be met (Matt 7:9-11; 2 Cor 12:14)
• Understand so child isn't provoked or exasperated (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21)
• Instruct so child can know and apply God's wisdom (Prov 4:1; Eph 6:4b; 2 Tim 3:15)
• Discipline so child can correct poor choices (1 Kings 1:5-6a; Eph 6:4b; Heb 12:9)
• Encourage so child can develop God-given gifts (1 Thess 2:11)
• Supplicate in prayer so child can experience God's touch and truth (2 Sam 12:16; 1 Chron 29:19; Matt 19:13, 19)

I really like that Eggerichs recommends that when you look at or talk to your child, you imagine seeing Jesus just over their shoulder. As you love your child, you're loving Jesus. He also says you should teach your children to imagine seeing Jesus just over your shoulder. As they respect you, they're respecting and loving Jesus. As they obey you, they're obeying Jesus. See Col 3:20.

Notes
Part One: The Family Crazy Cycle
Family Crazy Cycle: Without love (real or perceived), a child reacts without respect; without respect (real or perceived), a parent reacts without love.

If Kids Would Only Cooperate, We All Would Be Great Parents!
3 questions to ask when the Crazy Cycle ramps up
1. Is my child feeling unloved?
2. Am I feeling disrespected?
3. How will I parent God's way, regardless?

Stopping the Family Crazy Cycle, Part II: Defuse
5 steps to defuse
1. Call time out
2. Don't automatically assume disrespect
3. Teach Family Crazy Cycle 101
4. Reassure child of love
5. Allow for imperfection

Part Two: The Family Energizing Cycle
Family Energizing Cycle: A parent's love motivates a child's respect; a child's respect motivates a parent's love.

Understand: Put Yourself in Their Shoes
Child can't detect love in your heart; you must express it to them.

You get children to be obedient and respectful by loving and understanding them.

Before speaking or acting, ask yourself
• Will what I'm about to say sound loving to my child?
• Am I trying to see things through this little person's eyes?
• Can I remember how it was when I was their age?

Do you unconsciously make your children responsible for your happiness and self-worth? Your self-worth should come from the worth Christ puts on you, not from children.

Instruct: Not Too Much ... but Just Enough "Stuff Like That"
Don't overload kids with info. Listen more and lecture less.

If you sound and look as if you think child is braindead, child will feel unloved and stupid, and likely not learn much. Don't instruct with hostility or contempt.

Discipline: Confront ... Correct ... Comfort
Discipline approach
1. Create rules that are clear and fair
2. Confront and correct without anger
3. Enact consequences when necessary
4. Reward obedience and reaffirm love no matter what

Live Eph 4:26 (don't get sinfully angry; don't stay angry overnight).

To control children, you must control yourself. To discipline children, you must discipline yourself.

Encourage: Equip Them to Succeed and Not Lose Heart
Don't fail to encourage because you're too busy criticising, being a perfectionist, or pushing children too hard to reach potential.

Understand power of words (Prov 16:24; 25:11).

Encourage child's gifts, positive character traits, interests, good behavior. Compliment them when you see them doing something right.

Encourage character traits by saying things like, "I know you want to be a man/woman of honor. Men/women of honor don't call people names."

Parenting Pink and Blue
If dad must confront or correct daughter, do it gently, or she may feel unloved and unfairly criticized. Point out positives, and tell her you love how teachable she is.

A dad must not tell daughter to stop crying. Crying helps her release her burdens.

Part Three: The Family Rewarded Cycle
Beware of the "Outcomes Trap"
Family Rewarded Cycle: A parent's love unto Christ, regardless of the child's respect.

[Joanna Jennings · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good! Not a cure-all, but definitely good food for thought.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

I honestly laughed aloud while reading this book.

Has he ever talked with a teenager, EVER?

The whole premise is that parents need respect from their kids and kids want love. That's it. You don't have to read the book, now.

He claims that teenagers really don't need or want the respect of their parents, just their love. Even though that is almost exactly what every teenager (girls included) want from their parents. Kids know their parents love them. As they separate from their parents, teenagers fiercely want respect of their personhood.

This author has another book that states that boys need the respect of their mothers. But in this book he states that only parents need respect.

I can't tell if this author is serious or is laughing his head off that people actually buy this stuff. His own books contradict each other, in addition to being absurd in their own rights.

[Natalie Herr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the content is a bit outdated, but overall a strong and practical parenting read. It was really helpful to think about the healthy and unhealthy cycles we get into as families, and to walk through strategies to change the unhealthy stuff.

[Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Audio. I thought this had a lot of good info. Too much to remember. This is a book I would probably buy so I could reference it and take notes.

[Paige Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is a reason that Emerson is one of my favorite and most recommended authors. The insights God has given him regarding all our most important relationships are some of the most powerful I’ve ever been exposed to. If you haven’t read any of his books do yourself a favor and pickup whichever one is the most applicable to you right now. I can promise you won’t regret it!

Favorite Quote: “We will not be judged for our children’s conduct towards us but for out conduct towards our children.”

[Nathan Albright · Rating 5 out of 5]

[Note: This book was provided free of charge by Booksneeze/Thomas Nelson Publishers in exchange for an honest review.]

Unlike a friend of mine who reviewed this book [1], I have not read any other books in the Love & Respect series before, so I cannot provide an explanation of how this book presents within the larger context of the author’s work. It should be noted, though, that this book does fit within a context of general parenting books for believers from a Christian perspective [2] in its navigation of a very difficult set of constraints in seeking to provide comfort and encouragement for parents struggling with perfectionistic tendencies as well as a spur towards correcting some difficult mistakes that are hindering parenting success, between conveying an understanding and appreciation of God’s unmerited grace as well as the reality of God’s judgment, between a theoretical discussion of love and respect and how it relates to generational and gender politics as well as practical instruction and checklists for parents wishing to raise children in a godly fashion. For the most part, this book manages to navigate that set of constraints successfully.

Let us make no mistake, this is a book directed at parents. Although both parents and children are vitally interested in the issue of parenting, this is a book that really focuses on parents and their issues and responsibilities and looks at children from the point of view of an outsider. That is not to say that the author does not speak a lot about his own (unpleasant) childhood, mainly that neither children, teenagers, nor adult ‘children’ without their own families are the intended audience for this book. Instead, this is a book that is focused on parents who wish to become better parents from a Christian perspective. Others, of course, will be able to draw insights from this book, but it is not written for those who are not (yet) parents themselves.

This book is divided into three parts. The first part deals with the “family crazy cycle” where children act disrespectful in parents because parents lack love for their children, and vice versa. This particular section looks at parents exasperated by the lack of respect their children have (along with their unrealistic expectations of those children) along with the need to decode what is really going on in difficult situations and to defuse the difficulties that result. The second section of the book examines the “family energizing cycle,” which focuses mostly on what parents are supposed to do in balance: give, understand, instruct, discipline, encourage, and supplicate (pray). There are also chapters in this section on the need for parents to work together as a team in parenting and some advice on the differences between the most vital needs of boys (respect) and girls (love) from their parents. The third section looks at the “family rewarded cycle” and tells the reader why to parent God’s way (because ultimately God is our judge), about unconditional love because God loves us unconditionally but does not trust us unconditionally, and the “outcomes trap” that is difficult at times to distinguish from the fruits that we should be looking for, concluding with a chapter on the legacy that we leave as parents through our example and two appendices looking at goals and checklists for applying the principles of love and respect within the family. Those readers who are parents or are looking to be good parents in the future will find much to appreciate here, even if the book is a bit repetitive and insistent about its aims.

[1] http://sonyawrites.com/2013/12/30/lov...

[2] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

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https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.wordpress...

[Anna Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

First, I left christianity 9 years ago after having been raised 30 years in the church (I was church pianist, Sunday School teacher, VBS leader, etc. and only by the grace of Yehovah did I make it out). And it took ALL of those nine years to get UNTANGLED from that mess, so I wouldn't have touched this book with a ten-foot pole... if a woman I admire hadn't told me it was really good and that it would benefit me as a parent (I have five children under 13). So I got it from the library on her recommendation.

'The Acknowledgements' were very "I thank god for my godly ___ and Christ for my christian ____ and Jesus for my Jesus-loving ____... which was the first hint that I wasn't going to like the author. It's like the deacons who stand up and say eloquent prayers to start a service that are using the right words to make themselves sound verbose and benefactoral. I skimmed ahead, admittedly.

In the "Personal Word before we Start" section, it had his kids saying something about the father/author. The first said, "I'm a counselor in Grand Rapids!" and I said, "Oh, crap... I've been to TWO counselors in Grand Rapids, and they were both absolute wastes of time/breath." Not to mention the psychologist I dated in college (an alcoholic christian I pressed charges against for stalking after we broke up), and my best friend in college who also majored in psychology - our friendship ended when she took me to prison to meet her rapist fiance... who was groping her the entire time. Psychologist. Hrmph. I wasn't happy.

The next kid said that he didn't get along with his dad and didn't have the best outlook on his childhood, and I thought, "Well... already these children aren't going to match mine." And then the third of his children wrote that she works with Daddy and luvvs Daddy and is just ALL about Daddy... and I stopped reading the intro and moved to the... um, NEXT intro. ((Where's the book...?))

In the (next) intro, the author starts us off with a child screaming in a shopping cart because the mother won't let him have candy. At which point I realize that this book is NOT FOR ME. I'm irate. A parenting book shouldn't start me off irate. And I despise the parent in the story. I have five children. None of them would EVER (and have NEVER) behaved like that in a store. My children are the ones people come up to in Russ' and say, "What a nice family you have!", and who elderly men unexpectedly give silver dollars to, who cash register ladies smile at, not roll their eyes at. People come up and say, "You homeschool, don't you? I can tell because they're so well-behaved!" (Although I think the sheer number of us gives it away, too.) At any rate, I can't relate to this book, already.

And it hit me: This is for people who NEED INTENSIVE HELP in more than just parenting. Because parenting isn't just about raising offspring, it's about honing onesself as a parent/person and taking consideration of others, as well. And it was *glaringly* obvious that I wasn't going to make it thru this book. And in flipping ahead, I saw verses clipped out of context, shoved into little boxes and handed out like morsels of baby food to people who need spoon-feeding, some applied to parenting that were NEVER intended for that purpose by the author. Nope... DEFINITELY not me.

So this book may be good for someone else. Someone who has a cellphone and has ever texted. Someone whose children have the influences of public school and church kids to contend with. Someone who goes to Sunday service and stands when a pastor says stand and bows when a pastor says bow. Someone who is used to being spoonfed milk from the Bible. But it just wasn't for me, and it was OBVIOUS from moment one.

I'm not intending to be rude, just factual. I never did make it to chapter one. Thank goodness for intra-library loans. Allendale can have their book back, now.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Addresses the feelings and empathy behind the tools of love and logic and how to talk to your little children and listen so your little children will talk. Your response is your responsibility.

[Brenda Seefeldt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Parenting books have that fine line of being shaming and being inspiring. This one neared too much to shaming.

[Barry · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book, but if you've ever read the original Love & Respect then it will seem a bit repetitive. Mr. Eggerichs could use this same formula to write a book about love and respect in the workplace and it would read very similarly and work just as well. I mean no disrespect - the formula is a good one - but this book seems to re-cover ground he has covered adequately before.

I was refreshed by Mr. Eggerichs' approach to this book: he isn't the perfect example of a good parent, and he shares honestly about the struggles and failures he and his wife underwent as parents. The downside of this approach is that his advice seems to come just from his own experience rather than the collected experiences of dozens of parents.

All that said, this is a good book even if it isn't original or groundbreaking. It contains good advice and reminders and serves its purpose to encourage parents to love their children even when they feel disrespected by them.

[Antoinette Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book must be read by anyone and everyone.

It spoke about man, woman and child. How to interact and the different family cycles we as humans traverse.

It depicts how to relate to male and female, what they need to hear at different stages in our life's.

Guides on how to interpret and approach the different family cycles. There are examples of and recommendations that parents have tried and some have worked others prayed to God for guidance.

What I loved is when the author said live a life that's pleasing on to God and as such you life will be an example to your child. However, who they become and what they choose to do with their life let not 'you" the parent being the bad example is what lead them on the wrong path.

So live for yourself and follow God and he will guide your path on how to connect with others especially your spouse and child.

[Alexis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have not read other Love and Respect books. I enjoyed this book, and almost wrote a book of my own in notes while reading it.

“Children bring us to a point where we realize we do not have all the inner strength and wisdom in our spirit to be the kind of person we should be. At such moments, we can justify ourselves and blame our children, or we can acknowledge we need God” (Eggerichs, p.22).

This is exactly why I picked this book up and started reading it. I think this book gave me a new perspective on parenting and also in my marriage. I look forward to going back through my notes and chewing on some of the notes and scriptures more.

[Ginger Smith Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was both Challenging and encouraging in looking at both my parenting and my children. It encouraged me to allow God to guide my parenting through his example. When I look at my child, respond to them and envision Jesus just over their shoulder, How I respond to them is responding to him.
That I can be empowered in Christ to respond loving to unlovable situations, I can respond respectfully to a disrespectful child. It offered practical dialogue and advice in everyday situations. Love this book!

[Staci · Rating 5 out of 5]

Take it for what it’s worth—this is a great book if you’re looking for real, practical help to get off the crazy cycle in your family. It’s honest, straightforward, and filled with helpful reminders about how powerful love and respect can be in the parent-child relationship.

I appreciated how simple the concepts were to understand, but also how deeply they can impact your home when you really apply them. It gave me a lot to think about and even more to put into action. Definitely one of those books I’ll come back to again and again when I need a reset or some encouragement. Loved it!

[April · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, not great. I read this immediately after reading Love and Respect for marriage (which was outstanding), and was a little disappointed that this was some of the same material and stories re-packaged. My favorite parts were when the author would give little memoir-type accounts from his own parents and parenting experiences. I really like the premise, but didn’t feel like it had much to offer besides what I had already gotten from the original books besides this can apply to your boy and girl children, too.

[Lynn Coullard · Rating 5 out of 5]

I deeply appreciate the Love and Respect philosophy and the Biblical truth behind it. This book was not, as I originally thought, just an adaptation of that, tweaked to fit the family. It was an excellent, revealing book about how to humbly understand the dynamic between parents and kids and be a more effective and Godly parent. I’m keeping it on my shelf to reread in the future!

[Jon Barr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the "Love and Respect" series! I didn't even know this book existed and loved how the author applied the principles of Ephesians 5 to the family. One connection I made: the wife needs love, but the mommy needs respect. This dichotomy must be recognized and remembered so the matriarch can have her needs met and the family can stay off the crazy cycle.

[Lauralee · Rating 3 out of 5]

If this book didn't lean so heavily into stereotypes I would give it 4 stars. I knew going in I may not like it, because I don't care for his marriage content. This book did offer some good reminders and parenting techniques I will utilize, but they are few and far between and not revolutionary. It was a lot of reading for a little bit of content.

[Tara Beck · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a good read, full of valuable and relatable perspective. I feel it has helped me understand more about what each family member needs and how we can all get off or stay off the Family Crazy Cycle. I recommend this book to anyone who has a family or any close relationship...so basically everyone.

[Kelvin Simms · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great counsel on parenting that simplifies the purpose and practice of parenting. There content is logically organized and biblically founded. This book is also helpful for more than parents. Teachers and children can also greatly benefit from reading Emerson's book.

[Pablo Melnick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fundamental para padres y madres

Muy bueno, entrega información muy valiosa y tiene ejemplos extraordinarios explicados bíblicamente aunque en mi perspectiva redunda más de lo que quisiera en la religión.

[Jane Dimakos · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good book with advice that shows the love of God parents should strive to have as part of their family environment rather than an authoritarian overly strict household. This book holds truths deep down that we all know in our hearts but struggle to live by sometimes.

[Kimberly Gordon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was so helpful in practical ways. It was eye-opening, especially for me as a mom parenting sons, as well as convicting and encouraging. Highly recommend for parents to read and implement together.

[Cherish Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

(5☆ Would recommend & would read again)
Such a good read. There were so many great takeaways. I really enjoyed how the author was vulnerable & shared his own experiences. My biggest takeaway was the difference between how boys & girls receive love. This really helped me with my son.

[Wanda Torres · Rating 4 out of 5]

I almost rated this less than 4. It’s a bittersweet read. As a parent to 3 fast growing little girls. This read spoke to errors I was actively making, the benefit was that the read also gave advice on how to change it. After pushing the hurt of realizing errors the book isn’t to bad.

[Brian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very practical.

[Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Was not as thrilled with this book as I was with another book I have read by him but still a lot of good information nonetheless.

[K’Lee Terrazas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book!

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this ( and this is not one I would usually read!) definitely makes you think about some of the interactions you have with your kids, especially the teens!