The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference

by Shaunti Feldhahn

“Where does ‘highly happy’ come from—and can we have some too?!”
 
Have you ever looked at a blissfully married couple and thought, I wish I could know their secret ? Now you can. After years of investigative research, Shaunti reveals twelve powerful habits that the happiest marriages have in common.
 
Best news of all? Anyone can learn the secrets of a highly happy marriage!
 
In The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shaunti Feldhahn shares her findings about little, very unexpected, often overlooked actions that make a huge difference. You’re about to discover that highly happy
• Go to bed mad
• Keep score (just not in the way you think)
• Boss their feelings around
• Have factual fantasies
• Get in over their heads
• Don’t tell it like it is
• Don’t look to marriage to make them happy…
 
Packed with eye-opening research and practical helps, this book delivers relationship insights that will take your marriage from “just fine” to “just the marriage we’ve always wanted.”

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian, Family, Christian Living, Self Help

256 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.

Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.

Reviews

[John Uit de Flesch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy read. Helpful. Some are common sense and others are a little surprising. Good reminder for sure! (It’s my second time through.)

[Sarah Kerner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay I'll be honest - I just skimmed this book. But it's a "big idea & statistics" book so I think that's ok. The main takeaway is that the most happily married couples always give each other the benefit of the doubt / assume their partner has the best intent towards them. Its a simple concept but it's really changed how I see some of the conflicts in my marriage.

[Laura Langley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shaunti Feldhahn’s latest 2014 release, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference highlights “simple, learnable habits that are common to highly happy couples.” She focused on finding things other couples can replicate as they work toward bettering their marriages.

I appreciate that Feldhahn included a former chief of survey design for the U.S. Census Bureau in building her surveys. And, she used the services of Decision Analysis, a top company for reliable online surveys. Because of that, her statistics and analysis are credible and reliable.

I think readers will find some of the habits shocking, like “go to bed mad.” Other habits include: believe the best, know that little is big, boss your feelings, keep score, use sign language, and have actual fantasies. Some are not what you think. All of them are simple (not necessarily easy) and doable, though, as Feldhahn shows through statistics and stories from couples she interviewed.

The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages includes a variety of strategies and ideas that sound promising. But with so many great ideas and habits, where do you even start? Feldhahn addresses that in her introduction, and I agree with her: “Pick one idea first, and try it for a week or two or five. Then when that action becomes a habit, start on another.”

Feldhahn also provides practical help in the final chapter, “Putting the Secrets to Work” where she gives “Ten Anyone-Can-Do-Them Tips” for applying the secrets of highly happy marriages. That may be a great place to start when thinking about what habits to develop first.

With that in mind, some of the following will prove helpful for couples looking to put into place some new habits:
• The Fast Fives for Him and for Her in chapter 2
• Tips for changing how you feel in chapter 6
• Ideas for overcoming challenges to together time in chapter 9
• A picture of what “looking higher” looks like in chapter 11
• Ways to get “all in” in chapter 12

The only regret I have about this book is the cover design. It looks rather feminine with pink and green, and I sincerely hope that won’t keep men from picking up this book as they’ll benefit from it just as much as women will.

I highly recommend this book to any couple wanting to increase marital happiness. These research-based habits of highly successful marriages are practical, helpful and doable. You can start as soon as you pick up the book and start to read. So, whether your marriage is good and you’re looking for great, or whether your marriage is less-than-good looking for good—this book has some interesting and anyone-can-do habits that will help you get where you want to go.

Get a copy of the book at your local bookseller or from an online seller like Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Family Christian Stores, Lifeway Christian Stores, Mardel, or Christian Book Distributors.

Note: I received this book for free from Blogging for Books for this review. However, the opinions expressed are my own.

Connect with author Shaunti Feldhahn at:
http://www.shaunti.com/
https://twitter.com/ShauntiFeldhahn
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shaunt...

Visit the publisher’s website where you can order the book, read an excerpt, view video content, and more: http://waterbrookmultnomah.com/catalo...

Read an excerpt at: http://waterbrookmultnomah.com/wp-con...


About Shaunti Feldhahn

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher and best-selling author.
Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 22 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.
Where the “Only” series revealed the often-unseen needs of men and women, her newest multi-year research project, published in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, investigates the process of what makes great relationships.
Shaunti’s findings have been featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and MomLife Today. Shaunti, Jeff and their two children live in Atlanta and enjoy every minute of living life at warp speed.

[Annie Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Read my notes on my blog, and do be sure to buy this book if you are married or thinking about getting married. It is extremely practical and will make a huge difference.

http://anniekateshomeschoolreviews.co...

After reading it again, I am again very pleased with the book. It is wise, practical, and biblical. I recommend it whenever I can.
--
I've reread it again for an article I'm writing and for some support work I'm doing. What a good book! I highly recommend it to everyone who is married and to everyone who supports married people. (You can read the article here: http://reformedperspective.ca/the-sur... )
--
And in 2018 I read it two more times to prepare a set of worksheets for it. You can find them on my blog, and they are free. Enjoy!

http://anniekateshomeschoolreviews.co...

[Jasmyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good advice in here. I liked it especially because it was not from one person's perspective. She surveyed thousands of couples to garner the research for this book and I thought her takeaways were great.
Some of my favorite sections:
1. Believe your spouse has good intentions
2. Go to bed mad
3. Boss your feelings
4. Don't tell it like it is
I loved all the real life stories in this book too.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really like this author. She sure does her research. I like even how she formatted the book.

Notes:
As the title suggests, little things are so important.
Ask the question: "What makes you feel most cared for?" very different for people.
Assume the best as your spouse does have your best in time. (This is true except in a dysfunctional situation like alcoholism, some kind of abuse, passive-aggressive behavior. But true for most couples.
Keep a mental list of how your spouse does bless you
Refrain from over-thinking.
Let feelings follow actions and not the other way around
Spend time together. Date nights important
Be as kind to your spouse as you would be to a friend
Seek to please God in your relationship
Go "all in" Divorce is not an option
Have conscious gratitude for your spouse and tell your spouse this
False date: 50% of all marriages are not ending in divorce. closer to 30%
Steps if having trouble:
1. Identify what is good in your marriage
2. You start doing the right things (above) even if spouse unwilling
3. Build community for encouragement and accountability
4. Forgive and stick with it
5. Celebrate results.
Some notes for wife:
Thank husb. for all he does
Affirm: "great job"
public praise
Desire spouse sexually
Tell spouse that he makes her happy
Some notes for husband:
Take hand
Leave messages and notes
Buy flowers :)
Put arm around
Tell her she is beautiful
Get out of melancholy mood

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so thankful I read The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and it deserves all of its five stars in my opinion!

Well... let me tell you, it was fascinating to read, and shocking too. It’s basically the little stuff that makes a big difference. Attitude and mindset too! Lots of this was common sense, but yet I failed to see some of this on my own. But it makes complete sense and I really liked what this book has to say.

The author Shaunti Feldhahn wanted to focus on what the highly happy couples did right instead of writing a book about how to fix a bad marriage and what couples did wrong. I love this way of thinking! To start off, she put couples in five categories regarding their personal happiness in their marriages:

1. Yes! (Highly happy)
2. Yes, most of the time
3. It depends-sometimes yes, sometimes no
4. Not really
5. No! I am really unhappy

Then she took the couples from the 1,2 & 3 categories who independently and anonymously replied the same as their spouse to find what made them happy and compiled the results of many surveys. Of course she is interpreting the results, but I had no issues with her interpretations.

I think Highly Happy Couples can benefit any marriage but I agree with the author that this book isn’t a quick fix for a marriage that has serious issues or a substitute for marriage counseling. But it was extremely helpful. And it was a real eye opener for me and I didn’t think I was one of the clueless ones.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This provides wonderful tips and it is motivational. If your not research oriented, you'll want to skim through the early parts about how their research was done to get to the good stuff. Many non-religious readers will disagree with their chapter about going to church together, as I do. I think if there is a connection it is more about what the mindsets of the individuals, or what is going on between the partners, or maybe even the support they are receiving from church, etc. than it is the external behavior of going to church together, by itself. Because lots of people attend church together who later divorce, and/or who have marriages that are not something to aspire to. Thus, I think this one chapter will make some question the value of the rest of the book, but I still think the rest of the book provides info. that will improve your relationship.

[Charity U · Rating 5 out of 5]

Guys, this is a good book. If you're looking for one that'll challenge you, make you think, and improve your relationship (current or future), I highly recommend this one! We read it as a companion to the textbook for my Marriage & Family class and I feel like I learned a lot from it. I'm now handing it out to family members.
I'm a naturally logical person, so I really enjoyed this format. My sister, a much more feelings-oriented individual, thought there were too many statistics and tables. Those were the things that made it more enjoyable for me - so this may impact your interest and enjoyment.
A good book - give it a read!

[Richard Ramirez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great eye opener for couples

My girlfriend recommend this book, and I just don't stop thanking God. I knew most of this little focussed on this book. However it brought a lot of meaning to our relationship. It was like a spotlight was turned on and I could see more clearly where I needed to work on.

[Paije · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was excellent - lots of very practical takeaways and it really highlights things you should (or already) know ...but forget how valuable those things are to a happy and healthy relationship. This really brings out clear simple things one can do to strengthen marriages one day at a time. Will definitely reread!

[Martinette Brunette · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the statistics that came through the research done for thus book. Also the fact that the small things, which make a big difference, are practical achievable things one can do. This is written from a Christian perspective, so not everybody would appreciate this. The principles however, are universal. I would actually want a hard copy of this book, to often revisit it and lend it out😊.

[Allyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent read … lots of really good reminders and challenges.

[Mary Louise Sanchez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Research and surveys that give you insight to make your marriage happy. Rather than concentrating on underlying relationship problems, the author focused on learning why marriages turn good.

Very enlightening and a book I'd like to purchase for gifts.

[Bruno Loyiso · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best marriage book I read so far

Extremely practical, thus helpful. While reading I could start applying and sharing with my wife.
It's the most helpful marriage book I have read so far. I think it could help every couple to work through this book.

[Charity Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a unique marriage book. I've read tons of marriage books and I learned a lot!

[Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book analyzes research to determine the factors/habits found in highly happy marriages. Very practical, interesting and easy to implement ideas! Great read :)

[James Swanson · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was surprising how a person's attitude regarding divorce and a willingness to learn how to do some simple things will help a couple move toward having a better marriage.

[Jana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great research on the secrets of happily married couples.

[Randy Nordell · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite authors of relationship/marriage books. This is an excellent and encouraging book.

[Elisha Bomberger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on relationships!!

[Kristen Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seriously fabulous, seriously powerful, and seriously relevant. I loved it.

[Elizabeth Drake · Rating 5 out of 5]

AMAZING LIFE CHANGING INCREDIBLY SIMPLE concepts that can immediately be applied. Would save so many marriages if it was followed. Must read.

[Bekki Flesner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book.

Easy.

Such tangible tips.

Research based.

[Nathaniel Turner · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is another helpful book from Shaunti Feldhahn. I like almost everything about it: intentional focus on the "bright spots" / successful marriages rather than trying to solve particular problems, statistics, frank presentation of discoveries instead of rhetorical argumentation, and an emphasis on practicality rather than a simple ideal.

Reading this book, you come away with ideas for how to improve your marriage, starting today. (I even took notes!) Mrs. Feldhahn rightly points out that your efforts must be small and deliberate: start with one or two actions and work on them until they become habits; once they are, you can add more.

A common theme in the book--I would argue that, of all the "secrets," this is the linchpin--is the intentional belief that your spouse actually wants what is best for you, or actually cares about you. Assuming the best (rather than the worst) is crucial to achieving all other aspects of a happy marriage. Even better, this book presents some compelling numbers as to why that belief is well-founded.

The book has a couple of shortcomings. Like many of Mrs. Feldhahn's works, it is basically a research paper writ large; on the one hand, you get a lot of useful and practical information, but on the other, you get some repetition and poor flow between chapters. Another downside of working with "big data" is that there's so much of it that it will never fit in one book--so it ends up feeling like Mrs. Feldhahn is trying to sell her website and her other books just because there is more data available.

But the book is easy to read and shorter than it looks (I got through it in about four hours while taking notes and a break for dinner). This is due, in part, to the presence of a subheader or blockquote (in which the text itself is quoted for emphasis) on almost every page. It is also presented for one or both spouses equally, so it lacks some of the "accusatory tone" attributed to For Men Only and For Women Only.

Definitely worth the read for married couples, especially if you feel like your marriage is "just fine" or "mostly good," but you don't know how to take it to that next level.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shaunti Feldhahn has mastered the art of conveying real-life anecdotes backed by data and research in a concise and easy-to-read format. It's wild to think that her journey as an author started out in fiction! There is so much good information packed in here, and even if you feel like you're already doing well in your marriage, there's always something to work on and get better at, and I finished this book with actionable items to put into place that I have already seen fruit from.

On a more somber note, the day I picked this book up from the library was also the same day I found out that one of my kids' friends' parents had separated, making them the fourth-- or fifth? I've lost count-- couple that I tangentially know who have made this decision in the past year alone. It is hard not to feel like marriages around me are falling apart, and it made reading the content of this book feel even more timely and relevant.

[Dee · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting premise—what’s the difference between a good and a great marriage?

This is a “Christian” author, but data is data and people are people. There is a viewpoint this information is filtered through but I think that even if you’re not of that faith, there is just general wisdom here—that can be applied to marriages or even long term friendships.

Biggest take away—(1) choose to believe your partner/friend only wants you to be happy and cares deeply for you. And (2)building off that, choose the generous answer. Why did my partner/friend do this? Choose to believe it wasn’t to hurt you or because they don’t care, but instead because of XYZ.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good, though not great book about small things we can do to make a big difference in our marriages. My wife and I are slowly working our way through it via breakfasts out in which we talk about each chapter and she tells me what a great husband I am. Okay, so maybe it doesn't go exactly that way. It has provoked some pretty good discussion between the two of us.

Good book for just working on your marriage to make it even better than it was.

[Nicole Brockwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just Shauti’s books. This one is no exception. Excellent tips for evaluation. I have already put some things into action and plan to be more intentional using her advice. I can already tell a difference in our interactions. Yes I know that sounds like a cheesy used car salesman but I’m completely serious. Highly recommend

[Alyssa Skinner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very scientific

I gave it only 4 stars, because I'm not in a relationship, and have no way of testing this advice to see if it works. But it is very scientific, with lots of graphs and numbers to drive home the author's points. I feel like it's also pretty easy to understand, and that the advice SHOULD work. . . I just don't know whether or not it DOES work. But I enjoyed it very much.