A wonderful book by a newspaperman in Chicago, my old hometown, and despite the telltale narcissism of any memoir, he manages to sprinkle poignant humor and dour insight into his work and witnessings as a white guy:
"Not that swinging by a place is the same as living there. Not close. I've been inside every Chicago Housing Authority project in Chicago--the high-rise Robert Taylor Homes and Cabrini-Green apartments, the low-rise Altgeld Gardens and Lathrop Homes, plus senior CHA projects nobody has ever heard of. Most of the high-rises are gone now [2013]--to my vast surprise. I would have bet anything that they'd be around for the rest of my life; I think most Chicagoans would have, and it was a shock when they were pulled down, one after another.
"The projects were not frightening places, to me, so much as they were gritty and depressing and infinitely sad places--people with nothing trapped in airless rooms watching old televisions. Elderly residents who no longer noticed their kitchen was crawling with cockroaches, or noticed but no longer had the strength to care. 'Their lives are wasted--both by themselves and by society,' M. W. Newman wrote of the residents of the Robert Taylor Homes in 1965, before the place got really bad. 'They're second-class citizens living in a second-class world,and they know it, and hate it.'
"One evening, on the night shift, I was writing about gangs using vacant CHA apartments as bases--they would break through the cinder block walls between units, so they could operate out of one apartment, and if the cops came busting in one front door, they could escape through another, into a different hallway.
"As I was heading out on the story, an editor asked me if I wanted to wear a bulletproof vest. The paper has bulletproof vests, just in case society crumbles and we have to cover it. I stood there and imagined showing up at the Robert Taylor Homes in my bulky blue bulletproof vest, maybe with a helmet and clear Plexiglas face shield too, getting as close as I dared to an exhausted black lady wearing a small hat with a flower sticking out if it and a dark coat, dragging herself home from the bus stop after a long day, lugging two heavy shopping bags of groceries. 'Madam,' I'd shout through a bullhorn, assuming a protective crouch, my voice crackling and fuzzy,'tell . . . me . . . about . . . your . . . life.'
"I looked at the editor. 'Thanks, Larry,' I said. 'But I'd rather die. If people can live there their whole lives, I can visit for an hour.'" (pp. 123-4)
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"That one-thing-leads-to-the-next path of life takes people on stunning, almost ludicrously serpentine journeys. We are dice in Fate's cup." (p. 144)
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Then, at the end, after reflecting on all the billions of souls drowned in the sands of Time, forever forgotten to history, and all the bronze statues to Who-Gives-A-Fucks collecting dust in municipal basements:
"I peer through the glass again. The past isn't here; it's not a place. The past doesn't really exist. Only in our heads, in our hearts, and in books and movies. The past is a thought, a blurred photograph, a scratchy song, a memory no more substantial than the charge on a battery. The past is a big empty room where something once happened. A gutted building where something you loved used to be. You can't go back--you can remember it, read about it, cherish it. But the past isn't actually there, not anymore, and any attempt to find it, to hold it in your hands, to return to it in the living world must inevitably be thwarted." (p. 244)
Damn straight. I wonder if when we truly love someone, completely give our whole spiritual hearts over to a special someone, and they crush it, rip it open and fillet it with a fish knife, that there's no getting the whole thing back to start again. That inevitably a part of you is lost to that other, a deep and profound part. Sure, we can love again, if ever someone finds connection to us, but can we ever love THAT deeply again? It's a rhetorical question because I doubt anyone ever sees this, but I wonder if spiritual death's first step is that lost piece of soul . . .