What do you think?
Rate this book
True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of your Life
In True Love Dates, Debra Fileta encourages singles not to kiss dating goodbye but instead to experience a season of dating as a way to find real love. Through reading powerful, real-life stories (including the author s personal journey) and gaining insights from Fileta s experience as a professional counselor, readers will discover that it ispossible to find true love through dating.
Christians are looking for answers to finding true love. They are disillusioned with the church that has provided little practical application in the area of love and relationships. They ve been bombarded by Christian books that shun dating, idolize courting, fixate on spirituality, and in the end offer little real relationship help.
True Love Dates provides honest help for dating by guiding readers into vital relationship essentials for finding true love. Debra is a young, professional Christian counselor, and True Love Dates offers sound advice grounded in Christian spirituality. It delivers insight, direction, and counsel when it comes to entering the world of dating and learning to do it right the first time around. Drawing on the stories and struggles of hundreds of young men and women who have pursued finding true love, Fileta helps readers bypass unnecessary pain while focusing on the things that really matter in the world of dating."
Christians are looking for answers to finding true love. They are disillusioned with the church that has provided little practical application in the area of love and relationships. They ve been bombarded by Christian books that shun dating, idolize courting, fixate on spirituality, and in the end offer little real relationship help.
True Love Dates provides honest help for dating by guiding readers into vital relationship essentials for finding true love. Debra is a young, professional Christian counselor, and True Love Dates offers sound advice grounded in Christian spirituality. It delivers insight, direction, and counsel when it comes to entering the world of dating and learning to do it right the first time around. Drawing on the stories and struggles of hundreds of young men and women who have pursued finding true love, Fileta helps readers bypass unnecessary pain while focusing on the things that really matter in the world of dating."
224 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2013
163 people are currently reading
576 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
July 2, 2019
This book came to my attention after a friend dredged up the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Harris’s book was very popular in fundamental Baptist circles over 20 years ago for its promotion of courting rather than dating. At the time, the book didn't demand my attention. Twenty years later, with children of my own facing the dating culture, now this book rose up again. Since that time, however, Harris has since largely disavowed his position. He has produced a video titled I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye to address his new perspective. In that video, Harris interviews Mrs. Fileta and refers to this book True Love Dates. I am now in a position where I need to provide wisdom to navigating these difficult waters of the dating years, and so this is one of several books I'm reading to gain contemporary insight into this subject. I’m looking for a book that I can recommend as a general resource on dating. Sadly, this book won’t be it.
True Love Dates divides into three sections: dating inward, outward, and upward. Mrs. Fileta illustrates these three phases of dating with examples from her own life and those to whom she has provided counsel.
In the first phase, dating inward, she writes:
"Having a vision for your life is of ultimate importance. Scripture explains that ‘where there is no vision, the people perish’ (Prov 29:18 KJV). The ability to live in the present grounds you, but living with hope for the future propels you forward. What do you imagine your life will look like in one year, five years or ten years?" (p32)
My first concern with this statement is that while she does point to Scripture, she uses that Scripture out of context. This is easily seen when you consider the ESV translation: "Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, but blessed is he who keeps the law." While the NIV is the standard version cited in this book, Mrs. Fileta uses the KJV translation for this quotation. It seems clear that this was done to intentionally obscure the true meaning of the text to better support her argument. Such an approach impairs her Biblical credibility.
My second concern is that the jist of the author's argument runs contrary to the actual meaning of the verse she has taken out of context. The verse is actually teaching the importance of a word from God for the people's welfare. What the author is proposing in this section is: figure out where you want to go. The Scriptures tell us, "If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask God" (James 1:5). At best, the author leaves the source of direction in life to be vague. At worst, it comes across as following your heart—be who you are. What is needed before dating is not self-introspection, but wisdom from God. There is a need to ask God to help see one’s self and one’s future through His eyes.
In the second phase, dating outward, the author recommends developing a list of characteristics that must not be present if someone is to be considered for a partner (“Reds”). She also lists characteristics that should give warning (“Yellows”), as well as those which must be present (“Greens”). This does seem the better part of wisdom, as emotions might lead to another conclusion when a relationship has already begun. The author breaks down her own list of "reds" into those which are absolute, and her own personal items. It is in this later portion, her personal items, that she includes “was not a believer.” I would hope 2 Cor 6:14 would make this an indisputable issue for any believer.
After finding someone that fits the aforementioned criteria, the author identifies four seasons of the relationship: spring, summer, fall, and winter. This metaphor works well, and the author provides some good insight and warnings. While it takes the author a long time to get to her point, she does eventually say “there is no getting around the fact that sex outside of the commitment of marriage is forbidden in Scripture.” However, she does not go so far as to say that it is “sin” and brings condemnation (Gal 5:19-21). In our present culture, such a position would seem to be Biblically warranted and helpful.
In the third phase, dating upward, the author speaks of “the dating triangle,” which is a very familiar yet useful illustration. The emphasis on the preeminence of God in the life of an individual as well as in every relationship is good. The first commandment is to love our God with all our mind, soul, and strength. The author writes:
“Something has gone terribly wrong when young Christians believe that their main purpose in life is to find material love. This dangerous belief robs us of joy and true purpose. True purpose is eternal, because God’s plan for our lives can never be taken away.”
In this final phase, the author deals with singleness. Of the gift of singleness she says: “It’s a phrase that is used (and misused) to try to ease the isolation that many young men and women feel during their single years. . . But if singleness is such a gift, then why are so many people refusing to accept it?” But singleness is a gift for some, and yet it is never addressed clearly. She begins to address what it is not but not what it is.
We live in an age where there is a great need for a solid resource that can provide guidance for those attempting to discover God's will in their relationships. While this book provides some good insights, it isn’t the definitive, trusted source I believe we need.
True Love Dates divides into three sections: dating inward, outward, and upward. Mrs. Fileta illustrates these three phases of dating with examples from her own life and those to whom she has provided counsel.
In the first phase, dating inward, she writes:
"Having a vision for your life is of ultimate importance. Scripture explains that ‘where there is no vision, the people perish’ (Prov 29:18 KJV). The ability to live in the present grounds you, but living with hope for the future propels you forward. What do you imagine your life will look like in one year, five years or ten years?" (p32)
My first concern with this statement is that while she does point to Scripture, she uses that Scripture out of context. This is easily seen when you consider the ESV translation: "Where there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint, but blessed is he who keeps the law." While the NIV is the standard version cited in this book, Mrs. Fileta uses the KJV translation for this quotation. It seems clear that this was done to intentionally obscure the true meaning of the text to better support her argument. Such an approach impairs her Biblical credibility.
My second concern is that the jist of the author's argument runs contrary to the actual meaning of the verse she has taken out of context. The verse is actually teaching the importance of a word from God for the people's welfare. What the author is proposing in this section is: figure out where you want to go. The Scriptures tell us, "If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask God" (James 1:5). At best, the author leaves the source of direction in life to be vague. At worst, it comes across as following your heart—be who you are. What is needed before dating is not self-introspection, but wisdom from God. There is a need to ask God to help see one’s self and one’s future through His eyes.
In the second phase, dating outward, the author recommends developing a list of characteristics that must not be present if someone is to be considered for a partner (“Reds”). She also lists characteristics that should give warning (“Yellows”), as well as those which must be present (“Greens”). This does seem the better part of wisdom, as emotions might lead to another conclusion when a relationship has already begun. The author breaks down her own list of "reds" into those which are absolute, and her own personal items. It is in this later portion, her personal items, that she includes “was not a believer.” I would hope 2 Cor 6:14 would make this an indisputable issue for any believer.
After finding someone that fits the aforementioned criteria, the author identifies four seasons of the relationship: spring, summer, fall, and winter. This metaphor works well, and the author provides some good insight and warnings. While it takes the author a long time to get to her point, she does eventually say “there is no getting around the fact that sex outside of the commitment of marriage is forbidden in Scripture.” However, she does not go so far as to say that it is “sin” and brings condemnation (Gal 5:19-21). In our present culture, such a position would seem to be Biblically warranted and helpful.
In the third phase, dating upward, the author speaks of “the dating triangle,” which is a very familiar yet useful illustration. The emphasis on the preeminence of God in the life of an individual as well as in every relationship is good. The first commandment is to love our God with all our mind, soul, and strength. The author writes:
“Something has gone terribly wrong when young Christians believe that their main purpose in life is to find material love. This dangerous belief robs us of joy and true purpose. True purpose is eternal, because God’s plan for our lives can never be taken away.”
In this final phase, the author deals with singleness. Of the gift of singleness she says: “It’s a phrase that is used (and misused) to try to ease the isolation that many young men and women feel during their single years. . . But if singleness is such a gift, then why are so many people refusing to accept it?” But singleness is a gift for some, and yet it is never addressed clearly. She begins to address what it is not but not what it is.
We live in an age where there is a great need for a solid resource that can provide guidance for those attempting to discover God's will in their relationships. While this book provides some good insights, it isn’t the definitive, trusted source I believe we need.
November 5, 2013
As a single girl in my mid-twenties praying someday to soon meet my future husband, I’m always interested in finding good Christian books on dating and relationships. So I jumped at the chance to read and review True Love Dates. There are so many anti-dating books and opinions that make it sound like courting is the only right way, and if you date, then you’re carnal and headed for disaster (as if what you call it means the same thing to everyone). It can be confusing and frustrating for anyone trying to figure out the best way to pursue a Godly relationship. While I agree with purpose for courting, maintaining a pure relationship, I don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” method for relationships, so I was curious to read something a bit different this time.
I thought the book was well written and had good, practical advice that can be applied to all relationships instead of setting up a rigid formula. We are, after all, individuals and every relationship is going to reflect different personalities. Debra Fileta did a good job at presenting a Christ-centered relationship and the consequences of compromise without limiting it to her personal opinions on the subject. If you’re like me and interested in preparing for a future relationship or to help in a current relationship, I recommend it as a good source of information and advice to add to your collection.
I received this book free from BookSneeze® in exchange for my honest review.
I thought the book was well written and had good, practical advice that can be applied to all relationships instead of setting up a rigid formula. We are, after all, individuals and every relationship is going to reflect different personalities. Debra Fileta did a good job at presenting a Christ-centered relationship and the consequences of compromise without limiting it to her personal opinions on the subject. If you’re like me and interested in preparing for a future relationship or to help in a current relationship, I recommend it as a good source of information and advice to add to your collection.
I received this book free from BookSneeze® in exchange for my honest review.
August 3, 2016
I picked up this book for review after reading an interesting article by the author in Relevant magazine. I'm not a singleton looking for love. In fact, I'm about to celebrate my twentieth wedding anniversary.
But my marital status doesn’t matter. Although True Love Dates is aimed at singles, I though the advice was relevant for all ages, for anyone who is looking to improve their relationship with a date, fiancé or spouse—or even their child. I had a vision for my life in my teens, but marriage and children have taken over. I know who I am, but do I know who I want to be when I no longer have children at home? And do I know who God wants me to be, now and in the future?
The book is in four main sections. The first three look at what Fileta sees as the three main stages of dating: inward, outward and upward.
The first section focuses on who I am, where I come from (and how that can impact relationships), and what I want out of life. As she says:
‘In order to proclaim “I do,” one has to know and understand “I.”’
The second section focuses on what to look for in a potential partner (with a focus on the major aspects of character, rather than the external characteristics of looks and money), while the third section focuses on our relationship with God:
“If you desire marriage, seek God. If you desire singleness, seek God. In the end, if you entrust your heart to him, God will use your desires to lead you in the right direction.”
The final section of the book is answers to the questions she hears most frequently in her counselling practice. (I especially liked her comments on ‘biblical dating’: that in Bible times, a woman’s spouse was pretty much chosen by her parents, who then paid the groom a dowry consisting of family treasures and a donkey or two. Should we return to ‘biblical dating’? I think not.)
I like the fact that Fileta is writing from the point of view of a Christian who lives in the real world. I've read Christian self-help books in the past that have been off-putting because the author has written from a Christian bubble where everything is rosy and no one ever has an unkind or impure thought. I find those books impossible to relate to (or recommend), as I live in a world full of sin where I constantly make mistakes (and so do those around me). It was refreshing to see dating examined in a way that is relevant and relatable. Recommended.
Thanks to Zondervan and NetGalley for providing a free ebook for review.
But my marital status doesn’t matter. Although True Love Dates is aimed at singles, I though the advice was relevant for all ages, for anyone who is looking to improve their relationship with a date, fiancé or spouse—or even their child. I had a vision for my life in my teens, but marriage and children have taken over. I know who I am, but do I know who I want to be when I no longer have children at home? And do I know who God wants me to be, now and in the future?
The book is in four main sections. The first three look at what Fileta sees as the three main stages of dating: inward, outward and upward.
The first section focuses on who I am, where I come from (and how that can impact relationships), and what I want out of life. As she says:
‘In order to proclaim “I do,” one has to know and understand “I.”’
The second section focuses on what to look for in a potential partner (with a focus on the major aspects of character, rather than the external characteristics of looks and money), while the third section focuses on our relationship with God:
“If you desire marriage, seek God. If you desire singleness, seek God. In the end, if you entrust your heart to him, God will use your desires to lead you in the right direction.”
The final section of the book is answers to the questions she hears most frequently in her counselling practice. (I especially liked her comments on ‘biblical dating’: that in Bible times, a woman’s spouse was pretty much chosen by her parents, who then paid the groom a dowry consisting of family treasures and a donkey or two. Should we return to ‘biblical dating’? I think not.)
I like the fact that Fileta is writing from the point of view of a Christian who lives in the real world. I've read Christian self-help books in the past that have been off-putting because the author has written from a Christian bubble where everything is rosy and no one ever has an unkind or impure thought. I find those books impossible to relate to (or recommend), as I live in a world full of sin where I constantly make mistakes (and so do those around me). It was refreshing to see dating examined in a way that is relevant and relatable. Recommended.
Thanks to Zondervan and NetGalley for providing a free ebook for review.
September 28, 2020
I got this for free and thought it would be great for a friend so I read through it to make sure and to my shock, it was just so “preachy.” There were some good aspects like the chapters on getting to really know yourself BUT the part where the author essentially chastises people for sex before marriage is all based on her own strict and archaic religious beliefs. I honestly think everyone has different needs and dating helps you understand yourself so much better. Even sex before marriage is great to prove compatibility in one of the most important areas of a relationship and most great sex requires a solid healthy emotional foundation formed over time, not just after marriage. This book read quickly but again overly religious. I really wish it would’ve stated on the front cover that it was mission work but may not have because it would’ve lead to fewer sales. Would not recommend to anyone except for the first few chapters. The dating upwards section was complete garbage.
April 1, 2021
Preporuka za čitanje!
Osvješćivanja važnosti upoznavanja onoga tko sam. Spoznavanja važnosti kako treba prvo naučiti hodati sa samim sobom i s Bogom, pa onda s drugima.
"Koliko ćemo voljeti druge ovisi o tome koliko smo sposobni voljeti same sebe."
"Vizija moga života dala mi je vjetar u leđa i omogućila mi da svaki dan živim radost koja je preda mnom, umjesto da samo luđački razmišljam o stvarima koje mi nedostaju."
Osvješćivanja važnosti upoznavanja onoga tko sam. Spoznavanja važnosti kako treba prvo naučiti hodati sa samim sobom i s Bogom, pa onda s drugima.
"Koliko ćemo voljeti druge ovisi o tome koliko smo sposobni voljeti same sebe."
"Vizija moga života dala mi je vjetar u leđa i omogućila mi da svaki dan živim radost koja je preda mnom, umjesto da samo luđački razmišljam o stvarima koje mi nedostaju."
October 11, 2013
I enjoyed this particular text. As a pastor of a congregation filled with people who are dating, Fileta offers practical and Biblical advice about how one might approach such an often daunting and difficult endeavor. Fileta is both adventurous and sound in her approach. Safe and sacred, if you ask me. Recommended for pastors, parents, and people searching for their true love.
May 31, 2018
She talks about 3 types of dating: yourself, potential spouses, and God.
1. If you know yourself, you know what you need in a mate.
2. If you know what you need in a mate, you'll only date those types.
3. Knowing God and his plan for your life is essential for 1 and 2.
1. If you know yourself, you know what you need in a mate.
2. If you know what you need in a mate, you'll only date those types.
3. Knowing God and his plan for your life is essential for 1 and 2.
May 20, 2024
This is probably the best book on dating I have read to date, and I’ve read a lot. If a friend hadn’t recommended it to me I would have never picked it up based off the title and cover alone (I believe there’s an updated book cover now), because I was afraid it was going to be another “cheesy dating book”. To my surprise, the author is practical, realistic, encouraging and speaks Truth, while not making singles feel less than or using invalidating phrases. She speaks just as much on growing your relationship with the Lord as an individual as she does talking about the importance of that foundation within dating and marriage. I am so grateful for this book and eager to share it with others.
June 29, 2020
This is just the book I was looking for to share with my daughter! I grew up under Joshua Harris’s I Kissed Dating Goodbye philosophy. Since there has been so much controversy about his book and beliefs, I didn’t feel I should pass it down to my daughter to read. But, I still wanted to give her a guidebook about Christian dating and purity. This book is perfect! It encourages singles to date upward (to seek a relationship with God FIRST), to date inward (to get to know yourself), and then to date outward.
September 12, 2022
The first woman author's book on dating I've read lol. Very practical and I love the FAQ section at the end. Good insight and wisdom. Loved how the first few chapters started off with the discovery of self first before considering another person. Knowing yourself well, your needs, limitations, future hopes and dreams before finding a suitable companion to run alongside. Had real life examples that were relatable.
December 16, 2017
I started this book hoping to learn some dating techniques or advice. However, this is totally not what it is about. Written by a young counselor, this book covers many aspects of how Christians should deal with their emotions, insecurities, and their past before entering a relationship. It features many stories from the counselor's office, which makes this book readable and down-to-earth. Many of the people in the stories have family-of-origin problems, which need to be dealt with first before they are able to establish healthy relationships. There are quite some counseling concepts in the book. The author definitely has an advantage on this topic because of her profession.
I like how the author focuses so much on dating inward (love yourself, knowing your value, having a vision of life) and dating upward (align my life with God's will, putting Him as the top priority, trusting Him that he will provide all our needs). Afterwards, dating outwards can develop on good foundations. This book is very suitable for young people because the author apparently understands how young people think and what the culture is nowadays. She also offers much practical advice.
You can tell that the author is someone who loves God and follows God's calling. However, she also made mistakes and had struggles before meeting her husband. Her stories are very inspiring and encouraging. She also calls everyone to a higher ground, a better relationship with God, and pursuing the best model of marriage that connect physically, emotions, and spiritually.
I like how the author focuses so much on dating inward (love yourself, knowing your value, having a vision of life) and dating upward (align my life with God's will, putting Him as the top priority, trusting Him that he will provide all our needs). Afterwards, dating outwards can develop on good foundations. This book is very suitable for young people because the author apparently understands how young people think and what the culture is nowadays. She also offers much practical advice.
You can tell that the author is someone who loves God and follows God's calling. However, she also made mistakes and had struggles before meeting her husband. Her stories are very inspiring and encouraging. She also calls everyone to a higher ground, a better relationship with God, and pursuing the best model of marriage that connect physically, emotions, and spiritually.
October 10, 2015
What a practical yet profoundly spiritual book on how to choose your life partner!
I love how Debra Fileta points out that the courtship movement isn't the ONLY Christian method of finding a spouse--and likely isn't even the best. She gets the focus back on our own hearts, but then shows us the responsibility that we have (not our fathers!) of choosing a mate.
And she deals firmly with the heartache and longing that so many people feel, dispelling those cliches like "Jesus is my boyfriend". We do long to be married; there's nothing wrong with that. But there's a lot wrong with marrying someone who isn't good for us and who will take us away from our real calling to live out for God.
Love this quote best: Fix your eyes on Jesus and the plans he has for your life. Look ahead, and run after him with all your heart. Then look around. Whoever has kept up with you, marry that person.
I love how Debra Fileta points out that the courtship movement isn't the ONLY Christian method of finding a spouse--and likely isn't even the best. She gets the focus back on our own hearts, but then shows us the responsibility that we have (not our fathers!) of choosing a mate.
And she deals firmly with the heartache and longing that so many people feel, dispelling those cliches like "Jesus is my boyfriend". We do long to be married; there's nothing wrong with that. But there's a lot wrong with marrying someone who isn't good for us and who will take us away from our real calling to live out for God.
Love this quote best: Fix your eyes on Jesus and the plans he has for your life. Look ahead, and run after him with all your heart. Then look around. Whoever has kept up with you, marry that person.
July 27, 2018
Honest, simple and beautifully written.
It took me three years to slowly get through the book because of circumstances in my life, but this book stood the test of time, and continues to be relevant in my time of singlehood and dating.
Many aptly relevant examples were also given through her experiences as a counsellor, which made the book holistic and a satisfying read. Through the Q&A section, Debra Fileta also attempted to answer many questions and addressed some misconceptions amongst single Christians today.
I would recommend this for single Christians who are wandering in this phase of their lives, needing some direction - then consider dating inward, outward and upward.
It took me three years to slowly get through the book because of circumstances in my life, but this book stood the test of time, and continues to be relevant in my time of singlehood and dating.
Many aptly relevant examples were also given through her experiences as a counsellor, which made the book holistic and a satisfying read. Through the Q&A section, Debra Fileta also attempted to answer many questions and addressed some misconceptions amongst single Christians today.
I would recommend this for single Christians who are wandering in this phase of their lives, needing some direction - then consider dating inward, outward and upward.
February 19, 2018
This is a book about approaching dating from a Christian perspective. It's not anything revolutionary, but the ideas are presented in a clear structure of dating inward (knowing yourself), dating outward (knowing what you want and progressing through relationships with others, and dating upward (keeping God/spirituality the focus). It was a pretty easy and relaxing read.
August 3, 2014
This is yet another book I have picked up in order to deepen my understanding of relationships and dating; this is another book that absolutely frustrated me with it's trite advice and disconnect with reality. I did not enjoy it or finish it.
January 1, 2021
Some good thought provoking advice to consider as you step out into the dating world. One important chapter was about identify the red, yellow and green qualities about what you are looking for in a partner. What are the things that are non negotiable for you- red. What are the things you’re desiring and are really important for you - green. Yellow can be some things to caution. It’s helpful to set up these guideposts before you even begin the thought of dating.
Other important learnings:
Emotionally dependent people tend to get involved with emotionally unavailable people.
Being put in the friend zone can actually be a blessing. If you are in the friends category, do not cross the line between friendship and dating by investing physically, emotionally, financially or spiritually in someone who is not interested in dating you. Save your time and energy for someone who’s ready for the commitment and work. Another blessing of being put in the friend zone is that it opens you up to being introduced to somebody that is right for you and might be a perfect match and able to give you what you need. It frees you up to move forward if somebody is not available to you.
You should find someone who is just as crazy about you as you are about them. You should be in a relationship in which the romantic energy flows both ways. You deserve that.
Look long and hard and see if your attraction to someone else is based on what you hope they will be or what they currently are! It’s problematic when we live for what we hope for in a relationship rather than what the relationship actually is.
Other important learnings:
Emotionally dependent people tend to get involved with emotionally unavailable people.
Being put in the friend zone can actually be a blessing. If you are in the friends category, do not cross the line between friendship and dating by investing physically, emotionally, financially or spiritually in someone who is not interested in dating you. Save your time and energy for someone who’s ready for the commitment and work. Another blessing of being put in the friend zone is that it opens you up to being introduced to somebody that is right for you and might be a perfect match and able to give you what you need. It frees you up to move forward if somebody is not available to you.
You should find someone who is just as crazy about you as you are about them. You should be in a relationship in which the romantic energy flows both ways. You deserve that.
Look long and hard and see if your attraction to someone else is based on what you hope they will be or what they currently are! It’s problematic when we live for what we hope for in a relationship rather than what the relationship actually is.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 5, 2019
I discovered this author after tearing through the articles on her website, truelovedates.com. The book was practical, encouraging, and applicable to my life, even though I'm not single.
She breaks the book into three sections: dating inward, dating outward, and dating upward. The books ends with relationship FAQ, which was helpful because she's a licenced professional counselor.
Before giving your heart to someone else, "date" yourself by exploring your past conditioning, understanding your present self, and clarifying your future goals.
Then, focus on dating outward by identifying the traits you expect in a mate. There are good analogies in this section, like "red light, yellow light, and green light." Red traits are relationship dealbreakers, yellow traits make you pause and ask clarifying questions before moving forward, and green traits are desirable characteristics that you're looking for.
And above all, date upward by focusing on your relationship with God, whether you're single, dating, or married.
I sped through this in one afternoon, but I'm going back again to dive deeper. For me, the true value is found in the journaling prompts and reflection questions at the end of each chapter. I'm creating space in 2019 to learn about myself and reflect on my relationship with others, and this book is a wonderful resource. Thank you, Debra!
She breaks the book into three sections: dating inward, dating outward, and dating upward. The books ends with relationship FAQ, which was helpful because she's a licenced professional counselor.
Before giving your heart to someone else, "date" yourself by exploring your past conditioning, understanding your present self, and clarifying your future goals.
Then, focus on dating outward by identifying the traits you expect in a mate. There are good analogies in this section, like "red light, yellow light, and green light." Red traits are relationship dealbreakers, yellow traits make you pause and ask clarifying questions before moving forward, and green traits are desirable characteristics that you're looking for.
And above all, date upward by focusing on your relationship with God, whether you're single, dating, or married.
I sped through this in one afternoon, but I'm going back again to dive deeper. For me, the true value is found in the journaling prompts and reflection questions at the end of each chapter. I'm creating space in 2019 to learn about myself and reflect on my relationship with others, and this book is a wonderful resource. Thank you, Debra!
June 7, 2021
3.5 stars
This book does not displace How to Get a Date Worth Keeping as my top dating book - it's not a bad book, but it doesn't address everything I want it to. It's a bit on the overspiritualized side, and doesn't address how to find people to date, which I think is an essential component for every book on this topic. Failing to mention dating apps is a major flaw in a dating book written in the 21st century.
I think the problem here is that "dating" means different things to different people. When someone says they've been dating their boyfriend for two years, that's a very different kind of dating than what someone going on lots of first dates is doing. This book is more focused on dating as a long-term relationship, and the target audience seems to be young adults in college and their early/mid-twenties, whereas How to Get a Date Worth Keeping addresses the practical realities of dating as an adult with a career and busy schedule who needs to meet people and go on lots of dates to find someone worth dating long-term. Both books cover topics like dealing with your own issues, getting emotionally healthy, looking for someone with good character, and toxic relationships.
So while this book has good high-level concepts in it, I didn't come away with much practical advice and it won't be my go-to dating book recommendation.
This book does not displace How to Get a Date Worth Keeping as my top dating book - it's not a bad book, but it doesn't address everything I want it to. It's a bit on the overspiritualized side, and doesn't address how to find people to date, which I think is an essential component for every book on this topic. Failing to mention dating apps is a major flaw in a dating book written in the 21st century.
I think the problem here is that "dating" means different things to different people. When someone says they've been dating their boyfriend for two years, that's a very different kind of dating than what someone going on lots of first dates is doing. This book is more focused on dating as a long-term relationship, and the target audience seems to be young adults in college and their early/mid-twenties, whereas How to Get a Date Worth Keeping addresses the practical realities of dating as an adult with a career and busy schedule who needs to meet people and go on lots of dates to find someone worth dating long-term. Both books cover topics like dealing with your own issues, getting emotionally healthy, looking for someone with good character, and toxic relationships.
So while this book has good high-level concepts in it, I didn't come away with much practical advice and it won't be my go-to dating book recommendation.
February 26, 2021
I've been reading a lot of books on dating and relationships lately. This one was by far the most concise and reference-able! Deb took many of the concepts that I have been reading from others such as Stephanie May Wilson and Dr. Henry Cloud, and put them all together in one book. She has a balanced view of dating and marriage, and helps me feel like it's indeed possible for me and many others on this same journey through singleness.
This book all at once makes me feel empowered and capable of having a healthy dating relationship, and ALSO destroys the false idea that relationships are somehow spiritually "earned" or bestowed once someone is "spiritually mature" or "did all the right things". We attract people we think we deserve, and Deb puts it in such an empowering way.
This book all at once makes me feel empowered and capable of having a healthy dating relationship, and ALSO destroys the false idea that relationships are somehow spiritually "earned" or bestowed once someone is "spiritually mature" or "did all the right things". We attract people we think we deserve, and Deb puts it in such an empowering way.
March 24, 2024
This was a solid 3.5-4. Happy to read a book about dating written by a woman with credibility and not another book by men telling women how to submit (but that’s a whole other soap box).
The section on dating inward was probably the best. I appreciate how each chapter ends with a set of reflection questions to help people think through their own relationship with dating and intimacy.
I hesitate on the 4 star because I don’t think all of the FAQs/experiences the author bring are helpful in the context of NYC and the current scope of the dating scene. While I would recommend this read, I’d likely want to follow up with people to see how they’ve perceived the information.
Overall, a good read and one that I think offers a healthy perspective of dating as a Christian.
The section on dating inward was probably the best. I appreciate how each chapter ends with a set of reflection questions to help people think through their own relationship with dating and intimacy.
I hesitate on the 4 star because I don’t think all of the FAQs/experiences the author bring are helpful in the context of NYC and the current scope of the dating scene. While I would recommend this read, I’d likely want to follow up with people to see how they’ve perceived the information.
Overall, a good read and one that I think offers a healthy perspective of dating as a Christian.
November 6, 2023
This is another Debra Fileta book I wish I had written.
Fileta cogently addresses modern dating issues with grace, tact, and wisdom, always bringing the reader back to healthy approaches based on sound scriptural underpinnings. She exposes some of the faulty thinking that gets people stuck in their relationships and self-assessments and presents God's ways of developing healthy relationships.
Many of my own theories and life principles are expressed in this book. I would love to give a copy to every single person I know and be a guide and listening ear as they deal with their struggles!
Thank you for such a lovely, God-honoring picture of relationships, dating, and marriage!
Fileta cogently addresses modern dating issues with grace, tact, and wisdom, always bringing the reader back to healthy approaches based on sound scriptural underpinnings. She exposes some of the faulty thinking that gets people stuck in their relationships and self-assessments and presents God's ways of developing healthy relationships.
Many of my own theories and life principles are expressed in this book. I would love to give a copy to every single person I know and be a guide and listening ear as they deal with their struggles!
Thank you for such a lovely, God-honoring picture of relationships, dating, and marriage!
January 23, 2021
3.5 stars.
The goals of dating inward (self), outward (significant others), and upward (God) are great, but I was disappointed with the order these were prioritized in. I also found myself wanting to hear the conclusions to the real-life stories Debra had shared of clients, but almost all of them were left as cliffhangers.
There were some good nuggets, but overall there was nothing really new in this book that I hadn’t read before. I would say this is a good book for someone in high school or new to dating.
The goals of dating inward (self), outward (significant others), and upward (God) are great, but I was disappointed with the order these were prioritized in. I also found myself wanting to hear the conclusions to the real-life stories Debra had shared of clients, but almost all of them were left as cliffhangers.
There were some good nuggets, but overall there was nothing really new in this book that I hadn’t read before. I would say this is a good book for someone in high school or new to dating.
August 21, 2018
Even though a lot of the things Fileta discussed were perhaps obvious or typical of any dating book, I found True Love Dates to be a good heart-check, as well as useful for considering actual boundaries to set in one's dating life. That said, the chapter that I actually found the most helpful was "What Relationships Can't Do," since the things Fileta explained apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones.
August 3, 2020
My favorite aspect of this book is that it really brings up a lot of important issues to consider for those who want to start dating or have just started dating. The author helpfully gave time for the reader to reflect on their own heart, to consider their outward circumstances and to carefully evaluate how Jesus should guide and lead people in relational pursuits. A lot of good content here to glean from.
June 9, 2022
I was hoping this would tell me something I didn’t already know. If you’re in high school or college maybe you’ll find this encouraging.
If you’re in your 30s it’s not worth your time unless you’re a new Christian and hearing about God in relationships for the first time.
I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, but a bunch of stories about how some young person got married is not what I need at this point in life.
If you’re in your 30s it’s not worth your time unless you’re a new Christian and hearing about God in relationships for the first time.
I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, but a bunch of stories about how some young person got married is not what I need at this point in life.
April 23, 2023
It’s interesting to me that it took me almost 12 months to read this book. But I needed the time to absorb what I was reading I loved getting to hear her story of meeting her husband and how he took the time to become her friend before dating. It had an easy flow. I loved all the questions at the end to reflect. I’m looking forward to see how God will continue using the book. If you’re looking for encouragement in navigating your dating life, I would definitely recommend.
January 18, 2024
Fileta gives great dating advice while also leading you to think through many of your own convictions/ideas around dating. Even though this book is not a new one of hers, it still very much applies and is filled with practical advice and stories that can span over a multitude of situations. Really enjoyed that she didn’t shy away from the bigger topics and give the blanket “Sunday School” answer. Would recommend to others!
February 16, 2024
This book was mentioned to me by someone I trust and admire so I figured I’d give it a read. Before diving into it, I was unsure about the overall work and was hesitant to read another book on “dating”. But this book does a wonderful job of exposing the lies of the culture and showing the importance of singleness before dating. I would suggest this book to anyone who is single and ready to mingle!
April 18, 2019
I appreciated her call to focus on God and recognition that healthy human (romantic) relationships need individuals to be healthy. She articulates very clearly that our fulfillment can never come from another person, but she also affirms the wonder in good romantic partnerships. Will be a book I want my kids to read.
October 19, 2020
For someone with dating anxiety, this book was really comforting. It's not so much a "how-to" guide as much as a "these are red flags," "these are yellow flags," "trust your gut," kind of book, which I appreciated. It made me feel more "on the right track" about how I go about dating and what I look for in people.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews