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112 pages, Paperback
First published March 12, 2024
‘Nothing can justify why I'm alive.
Why there's still
a June. Why I wake and wake and the earth doesn't shake.’
‘I watch a woman
bury her child. How? I lost a fetus
and couldn’t eat breakfast for a week.
I watch a woman and the watching
is a crime.’
‘Everybody loves the poem.
It's embroidered on a pillow in Mil-waukee.
It's done nothing for Palestine.’
‘It is also true that poetry—and art and music and film—are offshoots of bearing witness: they fortify us, sustain us, especially in times of erasure. They help us rehearse empathy, and build the necessary muscle memory to call upon it regularly. They can also remind us what we’re doing and why, becoming useful as compasses, rest stops, places to sharpen our ideas and counter dissonance, to clarify our thinking, and our hearts, and to rest in community. They are where we unlearn stories, where we cut our tongues on new ones…
…Dialectically: a story isn’t enough, and one cannot triumph in any social justice struggle without examining the stories that have been turned into gospel. This is true for any project of imperialism, occupation, or persecution: narratives get us into them. Narratives will get us out.’
The land is a crick in the neck. An orange grove burns
and it's sour when you burp. Whose voice is that?
There's a fable. There's a key. Every Ramadan,
the artery suffers first. A diet of heavy lamb
and checkpoint papers. Indigestion like a nightmare.
The Taurus sun burns your forehead. I mean the land.
The land looks white on the MRI images:
you call your grandfather. He's been finding the land
in his stool. His body contours the mattress like a coffin.
His hand trembles. When he drinks the land,
the urine comes out rose-colored.
The land sears the esophagus. No more lemons,
the doctor says. Two pillows at least. In July,
you lived inside your grandfather like a settlement.
You ate currant sorbet from the same cup.
Did you inherit the land in your arthritic wrist?
It makes knitting hell. On the telephone,
your grandfather tells you the land is coating his eyes.
He tells you it is worth being alive just to see that blue.
He dies and they harness his body to the dirt.
He dies and the sun is out all week.
I'm pregnant again. This is what I do:
get knocked up and not follow through.
Have you seen my uterus? How could I stay mad—
all that pink and crinkle. She tries. She tries.
This is the fourth time. A blue mark in my hand.
It appears like a word and then I pray.
At least I was happy yesterday. I finished the pie.
What happens does. That's how it is.
I could find another uterus. Another bed.
Cry in a Mexican restaurant. Cry on the pier.
Pick a fight with my mother. Instead,
I find the quietest window in the house.
I turn off all the lights. I watch the nearly full moon.
Don't you get it? She wants nothing from me.
It's beautiful to speak for her; she's dead.
I sit in the scalding bath. I cure my own alarm.
This is my sanity: salt and hair. To outlive
is to become mockingbird: She was, she was.
I echo her in the water, and in this way I live too,
walking at 2 a.m. in a Lebanese village,
jackals waiting in the blank land. It is 1959.
Jiddo has a revolver in his pocket, to shoot
whatever might slink from the dark, but nothing does.
They sing to keep the animals away.
I like to think she wore her hair in a knot,
high as a planet, that she only loosened inside,
back in the new house. They barely knew the country.
The walk was over. The walk was forgotten about.
Only I remain obsessed with it, stage-directing their lives
like the stranger I am. It's all gone now: house, body.
What remains is no better than gossip:
Animals. A fog that took days to leave her hair.
I'm terrible at parties, secrets, and money. I want my stars sexy: fast light
that's prophetic. No nonsense about physics, refraction, past light.
Even in Barcelona, I can't turn a bike. I let you change my mind: free will
and wet hair. One night I let you pour white wine and drink its aghast light.
Happy now? We're both like this—full of risk and nowhere to put it.
We sidle up to strangers with dry cigarettes and ask: Light?
I want small churches and noisy continents. I want you. I want you better.
I want you moved by what moves me: God, glass, light.
You like the line about men bored with beautiful women, as though
boredom's the prize, as though these peonies weren't a gaslight.
It's okay. I play dumb. I count bank codes under my breath. I circle
you like a devoted planet. I see the whiskey bottle. I forecast light.
I'm a better gambler than wife: the house fills with music and your singing.
Dear enabler. Dear truce. I know you see the moon's steadfast light.
I know you remember Madrid, Istanbul, pine cones, that trip to
Iceland. How every midnight had a sun. How we clung to its last light.