Freedom from Your Inner Critic: A Self-Therapy Approach

by Jay Earley, Bonnie Weiss

We've all heard the voice of the inner critic―that part of us that judges us, shames us, and makes us feel inadequate. "You don't want to give in to the Critic, and it doesn't really work to fight against it," explains Dr. Jay Earley. "But there is a way to transform it into an invaluable ally." With Freedom from Your Inner Critic , Dr. Earley and psychotherapist Bonnie Weiss present a self-therapy approach for uncovering the psychological roots of our self-sabotaging inner voices and restoring our sense of worthiness. Filled with insights, case studies, and practical self-therapy exercises, this breakthrough book

How to connect with your Inner Critic through the groundbreaking approach of Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy
• The seven varieties of the Inner Critic and their positive intent
• Healing your Criticized Child that is hurt by your Inner Critic
• Awakening your Inner Champion―the antidote to the influence of your Inner Critic
• How to transform your Inner Critic and learn to love yourself
• How our self-confidence, motivation, and courage improve when we are free from our Inner Critics
"Self-esteem is our birthright," says Dr. Earley. "And even the most intractable Inner Critic can learn to let go and allow you to blossom." Freedom from Your Inner Critic offers a solution to one of our greatest psychological challenges―so you can reclaim your confidence, freedom, and joy in life.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Relationships, Personal Development, Personal Growth

160 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2013

About the author

Jay Earley, Ph.D., is a transformational psychologist, group leader, psychotherapist, coach, author, teacher, and theorist.

Jay is trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy and assists with professional trainings in IFS. He leads IFS Classes for the general public which teach IFS as a practice for self-help and peer counseling. He is active in the IFS community and has presented a number of workshops at IFS annual conferences. He also teaches classes on Communication from the Heart, based on IFS, interactive groups, and the Pattern System.

He is nationally known for his innovation in the group psychotherapy field. His book, Interactive Group Therapy: Integrating Interpersonal, Action-Oriented, and Psychodynamic Approaches, Brunner/Mazel, describes his group therapy method in which people learn interpersonal relationship skills by working directly on their relationships with each other. During his ten years on the east coast, Jay was Director of the Group Therapy Center of Long Island, where he trained group therapists in this method. He has written a number of articles on interactive groups and made numerous presentations at regional and national psychotherapy conferences. He continues to lead interactive therapy groups in the Bay Area.

Jay offers Life Purpose Coaching and Change Agent Coaching, on finding your life purpose and making a difference in the world. He has been writing about and leading workshops on Life Purpose since 1984. He has collected his writings on life purpose into an ebook Finding Your Life Purpose.

Jay has created the Pattern System, a method for understanding interpersonal behavior and its underlying psychological issues, which is compatible with IFS. It is used for personal growth, understanding relationships, and interpersonal assessment and treatment in psychotherapy.

In Jay's work with people, he is known for his empathy and his ability to understand a client's feelings, issues, and world view without imposing his own personality or agenda. His insight into human motivation and psychological patterns enables him to help people understand both their strengths and how they block themselves from getting what they want. Because of his own life-long journey of personal growth, his interest in the nature of human consciousness, and his success in creating a passionate and satisfying life for himself, his clients trust him to understand their struggles and spiritual longings, and to support their search for excitement and meaning in life.

Jay has a Ph.D. in psychology from Saybrook Graduate School and is a graduate of the Gestalt Institute of San Francisco. He is a licensed psychologist in California (PSY6973) and a Certified Group Therapist. He has been in private practice as a psychotherapist working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1973.

Jay's commitment to his own personal development has led him to participate in a wide variety of therapeutic and growth endeavors over the years. He has a loving, successful 20 year marriage and professional partnership with Bonnie Weiss. He has studied with Richard Olney, Jean Houston, Joanna Macy, and Richard Schwartz. He is a long-time student of the Diamond Approach of A. H. Almaas, a spiritual path that integrates psychotherapy insights and techniques with wisdom traditions in a unique Western approach to spiritual realization.

As a result of his research on human social evolution and its relationship to our current global predicament, Jay has published a number of articles plus the book, Transforming Human Culture: Social Evolution and the Planetary Crisis, SUNY Press.

During the 1980's, Jay studied with both Jean Houston and Joanna Macy. He was active in the peace movement as a member of Interhelp and Psychotherapists for Social Responsibility, where he led workshops which integrated psychological, spiritual, and planetary concerns. Study of the process by which people discover and actualize their life purpose led Jay to wri

Reviews

[Judd · Rating 3 out of 5]

Here I go reading another GD self-help book even though, like the morning after a night of heavy drinking, I always beat myself up and pray to the gods above that I will NEVER do it again. I should look for a good text on masochism because these things are always arduous and terrible. I don't fancy myself some keystone critic with hundreds of millions of followers so I'll make my self-help book assertion quickly for those who haven't seen past reviews. I think most SH books rely on anecdotal BS, drag out hundreds of pages for something that belongs on a three-page PDF, and accomplish nothing more than instilling hope in folks who are genuinely distressed, disturbed by something, and as a consequence, miserable.

The three stars comes because I believe the concepts are clever and may yield some benefit. Not to question a style of therapy that may or may not have a legitimate following and hundreds of peer reviewed essays because let's be honest, I didn't do that legwork. Valid or not, sitting down and personifying undesirable thoughts should limit their power and control over us. Anything that brings someone down to Earth and requires mindful thinking to get to the root of problems seems valid to me. If giving an insecurity a name helps remedy it, I'm on board.

The book is, in self-help fashion, way too long and only does so in order to make a bigger binding so it can be sold as a "book" instead of a pamphlet. Baby with the bathwater and such, that doesn't necessarily ruin its efforts. It's not a page turner and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone but it's still an interesting approach to self-improvement. I'll have to give a deliberate effort to the processes laid out in the book but until then, I'd recommend steering clear of the 'Self Help' shelves at your local library.

[Frank Calberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Takeaways from reading the book:

What are examples of negative beliefs?
- Page 6: I'm not any good.
- Page 6: I cannot do it.
- Page 6: I am worthless.
- Page 16: I attack myself when I make a mistake.
- Page 16: I believe it is safer not to try than to fail.
- Page 16: I feel really ashamed of some of my habits.

What are examples of positive beliefs?
- Page 7: I have many talents.
- Page 7: I can accomplish great things in the world.
- Page 7: I am OK just the way I am.
- Page 8: I can do it.
- Page 8: I can pursue my dreams.
- Page 9: I can live myself.
- Page 8: I deserve to feel good about myself without having to earn it.
- Page 9: I can discover the freedom that comes from being who I am.
- Page 9: I can create a life of joy, confidence and achievement.
- Page 183: I feel good about myself.
- Page 183: I am valuable.
- Page 184: I appreciate what I have to offer to other people.
- Page 184: I feel good about my talents, strengths and skills.
- Page 184: I accept myself just as I am.

What is the purpose of the inner critic?
- Page 6: The inner critic wants to protect us.
- Page 6. The inner critic wants to keep us safe from failure and humiliation. It thinks the best way to do that is to prevent us from trying anything that is difficult. It accomplishes that by constantly judging and discouraging us.
- Page 21: The inner critic in us believes that pushing and judging us will protect us from feeling hurt or feeling pain. It is doing what it thinks is best for us.
- Page 26: Inner critics have no power to act. They focus on criticizing.
- Page 27: Inner critics developed when we were wounded as children. The inner critic wanted to help us become what our parents wanted.

What are ways to think about the inner critic?
- Page 7: Think kindly about the inner critic kindly because it has a positive intent.
- Page 21: Because the inner critic has good intentions we don't have to fight with it to overcome it. We can discover what it thinks it is doing for us and make a positive connection with it. We can show appreciation for its efforts, and it can begin to trust us. Thereby it becomes a valuable resource.
- Page 40: Visualize the critic as separate from yourself, for example by choosing an object from your home.

What are things to say or do to the inner critic?
- Page 65: I know what you are trying to do.
- Page 65: I appreciate your efforts on my behalf.
- Page 108: You do not have to protect me by judging and criticizing me. Why? Because I have learned a lot since I was a child about how to handle difficult situations.
- Page 108: You can relax because work I do will be continuously improved, as I am learning, trying ideas out and improving.

What are examples of questions to ask the inner critic?
- Page 51: Why are you criticizing me?
- Page 54: To what extent do you think criticizing me will help me to change?
- Page 62: What are you afraid will happen if I do not do what you say I should do?
- Page 62: What do you want to protect me from?
- Page 101: What are you afraid will happen if you stop criticizing me?
- Page 105: To what extent are you aware of the pain you cause in my mind and heart?
- Page 105: To what extent do you feel sorry that you hurt a person, whom you think you help?
- Page 107: To what extent are you ready to stop criticizing me?
- Page 107: What will you do to change from being harmful to being helpful?
- Page 119: In my childhood from whom did you learn to criticize me?
- Page 119: In my childhood, from whom did you get the idea that criticizing would be helpful?
- Page 120: To what extent will you learn a more effective way of helping me?
- Page 129: What is the history around inner criticism of the parent who criticized me?

What are other ways to heal the child in you who was criticized?
- Page 90: Find out where in your body you feel the pain caused by the criticism from the inner critic. Then release that way by having it carried away by the wind, washed away by water or doing something else that feels right to release the suffering.
- Page 90: Give the criticized child whatever it needed to feel better in a certain situation. Find out how it feels in your body.
- Page 98: Communicate love, acceptance and appreciation to the criticized child.
- Page 120: Pass the inner critic back to the parent it came from.

What are examples of ways you can reparent yourself?
- Page 86: Think of a situation when you were criticized by your parent. Imagine yourself standing between your parent and you - and telling your parent on behalf of you as a child that he / she should stop criticizing the child because criticizing the child is not helpful for the child.
- Page 86: Think of a situation on a weekend when you felt alone because your parent was working. Imagine yourself standing between your parent and you as a child and telling your parent - on behalf of you as a child - that he / she should spend more time with the child because the child needs that.
- Page 86: Think of a situation when you felt you had to be the best in school and/or sports to be loved by your parent. Imagine yourself standing between your parent and you as a child and telling your parent - on behalf of you as a child, "I love you the way you are. You are valuable. You do not have to do anything to get my acceptance / appreciation."
- Page 89: Think of a situation when your parent said to you and / or other people that you are always a happy child. Imagine yourself standing between your parent and you as a child and saying to your parent - on behalf of you as a child, "No the child is not always happy. And that is ok. The child feel different emotions in different situations. What you need to do as a parent is to listen to the child and be curious about emotions the child feels and learns about reasons that the child feels emotions that he / she feels."
- Page 122: In your mind, ask your parent to show and/or explain how their mother or father judged / criticized him or her. Then ask the parent to give up this burden and seek healing.

How can you find the helper in you?
- Pages 131-133: Listen to the helper in you say to you, "I accept you just the way you are." "I love you." "I care about you." "I value you for being you."
- Pages 131 and 143: Listen to the helper in you say to your inner critic: "Your criticism is not helpful." "Your criticism is too hard and unkind?"
- Page 138: Breathe.
- Page 138: Feel your feet on the floor, your back on the chair, your shoulders relaxing and your jaw slightly open.
- Page 138: Think about a moment when you felt seen, heard, recognized, appreciated, acknowledged, encouraged and/or supported - a time when someone stood up for you. What did the person say and/or do?
- Page 140: Listen to the the inner champion tell you what you have the right to do, and what you can do.
- Page 142: Feel that you become calm and confident because of what the inner champion says and/or does.
- Page 146: Think of a moment when your mother got very angry and screamed at you. Then think of the helper in you confronting your parent and saying, "I know you are a good mother and want the best for your child. And everyone can get angry sometimes. Now, please return to normal and move on. Also, think about what you do to keep this from happening again. For example, find out what you can do to find out what is behind the anger you feel, reduce stress you experience in your life, take better care of yourself and communicate better with your child."

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard Jay Earley present his "Self-therapy" approach on the Shrink Rap Radio podcast. I had recently finished Trauma and the Soul, by Donald Kalsched, which I loved, and I immediately noted the similarities in the basic principles. So I ordered his book. I was disappointed when it arrived, thinking perhaps Chapters had made a mistake. The book is very thin and it's cover suggests a simplistic, self help approach. At first the exercised seem almost silly, gimmicky and oversimplified. But as I went on to read this book, I was struck by the power of this approach. Earley's approach is both simple and incredibly potent. It strikes at the core of trauma and focuses on mindful approaches for developing self compassion. As much as I loved Kalsched's book,Kalsched uses a Jungian psychoanalytic dream analysis approach which is too cumbersome for my practice. Earley's work in fact lends itself to a short term model. I have been incorporating this model into my own work with terrific results already. Don't underestimate this book! I recommend it to any psychotherapists out there, or anyone with an interest in mental health or self development.

[Chloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. A quick read if you stay with it… definitely something I’ll be recommending to my clients.

[Deb · Rating 4 out of 5]

**Fire (or at least mute) your inner critic**

Ready to fire your Inner Critic?

Using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapeutic model, Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss show how to transform your Inner Critic into an Inner Champion. Perhaps it’s counter-intuitive, but this transformation actually involves working *with* your Inner Critic instead of trying to fight against it. The underlying assumption is that the Inner Critic did start out with good intentions (ex: to help you do your best, keep yourself safe, do what you need to do), but its harsh mode-of-delivery became quite problematic.

First, using the questionnaire in the book, you can determine out which of the seven types of Inner Critics harp at you the most:

1. The Perfectionist—tries to get you to do things perfectly. Has very high standards for behavior, performance, and production.

2. The Inner Controller—tries to control impulsive behavior that might not be good for you or others, or might be dangerous.

3. The Task Master—tries to get you to work hard or be disciplined in order to be successful or to avoid being mediocre.

4. The Underminer—tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem so you won’t take risks that might be dangerous, or so you won’t try and fail, or so you won’t get too big or powerful or visible and therefore be attacked or rejected.

5. The Destroyer—makes pervasive attacks on your fundamental self-worth. Deeply shaming. Believes you shouldn’t exist.

6. The Guilt Tripper—attacks you for some specific action you have taken or not taken in the past or for repeated behavior that has been harmful to others or violates a deeply-held value.

7. The Molder—tries to get you to fit a certain mold or be a certain way that comes from your family or culture (ex: caring, aggressive, polite). It attacks you when you aren’t and praises you when you are.

Then, you can start freeing yourself from your Inner Critic(s). The authors offer plenty of concrete ways and techniques to start this transformation. They reassure that:

“You aren’t stuck with the anguish and difficulties that stem from you Inner Critic. You inner world *can* change. You can feel confident and capable and allow your life’s journey to unfold in an exciting, self-directed way. It’s time for your suffering to end…Our self-therapy approach will help you to recognize your intrinsic self-worth and develop your self-confidence. By going through this process, you will reconnect with yourself—the self that isn’t occluded by the Inner Critic’s negative messages. You will discover the freedom that comes from being who you truly are, rather than trying to fit into the box your Inner Critic creates for you, so you can create a life of joy, confidence, and achievement. Vibrant self-esteem is your birthright; you needn’t settle for anything less.” (p. x)

Being a therapy nerd, I was able to get into the theories and techniques of this book, which revolve around identifying and talking to different parts of the self. But, I’m guessing this book won’t be for everyone. (Now, I’m sounding like a Literary Critic.) But, if you can get on board with this self-therapy approach, then you certainly have a good chance of throwing your Inner Critic overboard...or at least turning down its volume.

[Kaitlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Trying to dive deeper into CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and IFS (Inter-Personal Family Systems) because thats the modality my therapist works in. Found this book pretty interesting, the best bit was the quiz to see which of the 7 inner critics are the ones bothering you. I got The Controller and The Perfectionist.

It was honestly very helpful to realize my problems are kind of universal human brain problems and that your inner critics may make you miserable but they ultimately have you best interest at heart, and you need to learn to relate to them kindly in a, "I hear what you are saying but this isn't the time or the way to address this problem right now"

Trying to beef up my Inner Champions rn.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great read; there were a lot of good concepts and food for thought in here. Even without doing all the exercises (which there are a lot of), I feel like I’ve gained a lot of understanding and useful knowledge. Really worth the read even if it did take me 2 months lol. Highly recommend if you have a vicious inner critic like I do!

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book provides excellent tools to help free yourself from the symptoms of a variety of inner critics. Highly recommend this book; for me, it has been life changing.

[Annette Fuller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I lucked into some practical experience with a therapist who was trained in Internal Family Systems therapy, and once I learned the structure of that type of therapy, I was surprised at how easy it is to take the concepts and apply them myself, at any time, without the guidance of a trained therapist!

I’ve been through enough therapy that I get super excited at tools/skills that I can take outside my sessions, to improve the overall quality of my life. This book outlines pretty much everything you need to know to get started with Internal Family Systems therapy. I would still recommend finding a therapist trained in it if you can, because it really cements the knowledge to be able to have someone else talk you through the steps, but if that’s not an option for you, you should definitely read this book!

The book itself is written in a really approachable way, with helpful diagrams and examples that illustrate the concepts in practice. Internal Family Systems as a therapeutic approach is helpful for…well, for everyone. I can’t imagine someone it wouldn’t work well for, provided they actually wanted to put the time in to learn it.

There’s some overlap in thematic elements with dialectical behavior therapy, the concept of “wise mind” in DBT is remarkably similar to the concept of “Self” in IFS. To me, that just means it integrates well with other therapy skills I’m interested in learning for myself. I don’t need a compartmentalized toolbox where I pick whether I’m going to use CBT or DBT or IFS tools on a specific problem—they all just kind of work together to create a really awesome system of support and self-knowledge.

Anyway, if you’re a therapist, this is a great book to read to introduce you to the theory, though I’m sure there are others out there that are more comprehensive/didactic. If you’re not a therapist, and you’re just interested in self-help therapy approaches, this is a truly fantastic book to add to your arsenal. You won’t be disappointed with IFS, and it has a lot of practial applications in every facet of your life!

This and other reviews by me can be found at www.annaimber.com

[Kate Seabrook · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would give this book a 3.5. It started strong, and I really resonated with the seven types of inner critics that it presented at the beginning of the book. I also liked the overall message that you are not trying to cast out or fight your inner critic but that you should be seeking to find middle ground and create a healthier version of your critic(s). There is a lot of wonderful and useful information in this book. Where I struggled with it is that I think it can be more helpful when books are either written for therapists or for clients; this book seemingly trying to reach both led it at times to be overwhelming and exhausting to read.

[Dionne · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The finest inheritance you can give to a child is to allow it to make its own way, completely on its own feet."~Isadora Duncan

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning to sail my ship."~Louisa May Alcott

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."~Tori Amos

-Inner Critic
-Criticized Child
-Protected Child
-Judge
-Inner Defender
-SELF
-Inner Champion (Self-Esteem)
-Inner Mentor (Self-Improvement)

A user-friendly explanation of IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy.

[Jessica Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

The is the type of therapy approach recommended in the Grit course I took with Bright Line Eating (great book, group, have been at goal weight for several years by following the program).
At first all this parts work stuff seemed very strange to me, and I resisted it. Now that I understand how it applies to overeating so perfectly, I am reading the book and seeing how it can apply to so many things.

[Priscilla Arinze · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was very thought-provoking and gave a deeper look into how to use IFS to tackle your inner critic, however, I think the author uses a bit too much of a formulaic approach to IFS. It also felt a little "self-help-y" in the sense that there wasn't really any push back or counter-arguments given for using the IFS approach and the different ways on how to combat these points. Nevertheless, it was an interesting read.

[Carly Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a pretty decent book. I read it because I wanted to learn more about internal family systems, and I did learn some, but this seems like it might be a book better for a mental health professional than a patient. But also having an inner critic isn’t one of my top problems so someone who is struggling with this might get more out of it

[Christine L · Rating 1 out of 5]

Actually DNF this book. I was frankly bored silly. I'll admit I am not a big fan of self-help books but the few I read and review I have at the very least given a 3. Maybe I don't have an inner critic? Or maybe my inner critic told me not to read this book so I wouldn't find a way to banish it? Regardless of the reason it's not a thumbs up from me.

[char · Rating 2 out of 5]

If anything, this book has taught me how much I strongly dislike the IFS modality. Do they know how ridiculous they sound??

I did learn one valuable thing in this book, which is identifying the tiny positive, helpful (tho misguided) intention at the heart of any given self-criticism. But that's really it.

[Rizi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to skim this book because it was written so poorly. But the concepts were great. Identifying an inner critic, communicating with it...reminds me of the incredible movie "Inside Out." Some other deeper concepts that are very helpful for self talk.

[Louis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provided the overall structure and workings of IFS, a modernized version of the process used by my favorite therapist. Good to consider this broader view of the process, hopefully to improve the self therapy it instructs me to use.

[Bruce · Rating 4 out of 5]

this helped me think of the critics that have plagued me all of my life as part of me to accept rather as forces within me that I need to defeat.

I found the worksheets helpful and easily understood and accessible.

[Bea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good concepts but I don’t know what I was thinking when I picked it up, I’m such a dork & nobody cares anyway.

[Lew Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

It expands on a discussion of parts and reveals the specifics of roles that types of parts play in our
functioning

[William · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good in theory, but hard to do by yourself (i.e. from the book) in practice. Find a good therapist if you want to make progress.

[Hannah]

I like this book, although I think it would be more useful (for me) as a guided meditation or more of a manual for therapists in IFS.

[TrudyKJP · Rating 1 out of 5]

Couldn't finish. Just couldn't.

[Kati Karloff · Rating 4 out of 5]

if you are already familiar with the Internal Family Systems model of therapy, this is a great addition to it.

[Jocelyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gotta start putting down books as soon as I realize they're based on IFS. Never enough there there.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really a 1 1/2 star review.

The book wasn't that engaging. Very clinical-esque writing. I had just read a book before this on women's self esteem and working to help rid your inner critic and I would HIGHLY suggest you read that one instead.

It is:
Recovery of Your Self-Esteem: A Guide for Women by Carolynn Hillman
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9...

[ConnieC]

I really like the title of this book and am dying to get to it! It be nice for the world be free of all criticism beginning with ourselves. Don't know how this remedies, but I would like to know.

[Shannon Cox · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't find this book very engaging...it was too caught up in made-up jargon and meaningless flow charts for my liking..

[Elizabeth · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've tried to read this, but am having a difficult time.