The Art of Empathy: A Complete Guide to Life's Most Essential Skill

by Karla McLaren

What if there were a single skill that could directly and radically improve your relationships and your emotional life? Empathy, teaches Karla McLaren, is that skill. With The Art of Empathy , she teaches us how to perceive and feel the experiences of others with clarity and authenticity―to connect with them more deeply and effectively.

Informed by current insights from neuroscience, social psychology, and healing traditions, this book

Why empathy is not a mystical phenomenon but a natural, innate ability that we can strengthen and develop
• How to identify and regulate our emotions and boundaries
• The process of shifting into the perspective of others
• How to provide support in a sensitive and healthy way
• Insights for navigating our hyper-connected social landscape
• Targeted chapters for improving family, workplace, and intimate relationships
• Ways to expand our empathy to our community, global levels of society, and the natural world
Empathy, reflects Karla McLaren, is the skill that builds bridges ― a skill that not only creates connection, but that helps us to be more effective in all areas of our lives.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Personal Growth, Emotion, Leadership

328 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2013

About the author

Karla McLaren, M.Ed is an award-winning author, social science researcher, and pioneering educator whose empathic approach to emotions revalues even the most “negative” emotions and opens startling new pathways into the depths of the soul. She is the founder and CEO of Emotion Dynamics LLC.

Karla’s lifelong work has been focused on the creation of a grand unified theory of emotions, which she has developed through her work with survivors of dissociative trauma, through her own lifelong experience as a hyper-empath, and through extensive research into the social and biological sciences.

Reviews

[Laurie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have read all of Karla's books, but I was a bit disappointed with this one because I thought there was a lot of overlap with her book "The Language of Emotions" and not enough new information.

The only new information I liked was resourcing. That alone was not worth the price of the book.

My two favorite books of hers are "Emotional Geniu"s and "Rebuilding the Garden". If you want to have access to some of her wonderful processes to help you deal with difficult situations and understand your emotions, check out her webpage at www.karlamclaren.com

There is some good stuff there that can help you transform your life.

[Andre Hermanto · Rating 1 out of 5]

Good:
* It gets me thinking about empathy.

Bad:
* Long-winded.
* Filled with author's personal experience and life story, which might be interesting if placed sparsely but there's just too much of them in this book. I actually had to check whether this book is an autobiography or not.
* Many of the statements are mind numbingly obvious, e.g. if you are angry all the time it will be bad for you.
* This might be my fault for hoping too much but I am expecting that the steps and statements presented in this book are backed with studies. But many of them are pretty much just the author's own statements that are not supported by anything else.

[Cody Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parts of the book contain redundancy, but still is of value for anyone in highly relational jobs. Major tenants of the book include suspending judgement of emotions, recognizing that emotions contain inherent messages directed toward action, and setting healthy boundaries for yourself and others.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was brilliant...and have read it twice to date. I love Karla's unique insights into emotions...what they are...why we have them...what benefit they are to us...the information they give us... and how to respond to them. I love both this book and her other book, The Language of Emotions...especially Part 2 of that book. There is a fair bit of overlap between these two books...if you only want to read one of the two I would recommend The Art of Empathy.

These two books have boosted my emotional intelligence more than any of the others books in this area that I have read. I am much better at identifying my emotions and knowing what to do with them after reading this book.

[Erwin Rossen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book to learn more about empathy, but the hidden gem I found inside was not about empathy but about emotions in general. The book has six chapters, where chapter 1 is an introduction, chapters 2 and 3 are about emotions and chapters 4 through 6 tell about empathy. Chapters 2 and 3 are enough to make this entire book worthwhile! It was a real eye opener for me, and listened to them more than once to know what emotions are and what to do with them. The chapters about empathy are not bad in itself, but stand out less compared to the opening.

[Petr Meissner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Emotions are action-requiring neurological programs that bring you specific gifts and skills to help you understand your world.

This books helps to understand the reason and value of particular emotions to benefit from them consciously and let them work for you instead of control you.

– Anger, Apathy & boredom, Guilt & shame, Hatred.
– Fear, Worry & anxiety, Confusion, Jealousy, Envy, Panic & Terror
– Sadness, Grief, Situational depression
– Happiness, Contentment, Joy

Channeling instead of just expressing or oppressing emotions to tell who I'm and let the feeling do it's work.

[Alexander Wang · Rating 2 out of 5]

While it was a good read, I did not find much that I could use from this even though I was trying to gain more information on how to empathize with others. It almost seems like this book was geared more towards empaths even though it emphasizes that its actually for less empathetic people (which kind of makes sense as the author herself is a "hyper-empath").

Still a pretty good read, but it gets a little bit more spiritual and less scientific in its approach to social sciences.

[Timothy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Gave useful information about the different terms and strategies dealing with empathy. Cultivating your own empathy from this book may a bit challenging for some. Gave somewhat interesting and also dark examples of dealing with people's emotions. Overall an average read.

[Fernanda Psihas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is mostly a guide for people with so much empathic ability that it is problematic for them. Not the guide to what makes empathy work that I was hoping for. Those looking for a guide to feel more empathy will likely be be completely disappointed.

[Andrew De Lany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating book, has opened up my mind and emotions as one who has hidden and avoided and reacted to my emotions incorrectly. My empathic skills have increased amazingly since taking on the teachings in this book.

[Maureen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lost interest in this book.

[Luismi Fernández · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is OK but I couldn't get many practical ideas to improve my empathy

[Jennifer Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've recently discovered Karla McLaren by listening to the "Art of Empathy" audiobook and have become enthusiastic to learn more, not just about empathy, but about emotion contagion (part of the six aspects of empathy). Karla is engaging to listen to, an expert in her field, and inspiring to improve yourself. Her insights on how develop better empathic skills (depending on your current empathic score) are instrumental in discovering yourself more and learning how to cope with social situations. If you're in a stage in life where you are looking to "rediscover", Karla's expertise, to me, is a lifeline that I've been seeking.

[Astrid · Rating 5 out of 5]

There have been lots of times when I thought, "everyone should read this book!" but never more than I did with this one. It was mind-expanding and the stuff in there would be useful for any human being with emotions (so, every single one). I can't believe I'd never heard half the stuff she says in this book; the mysterious world of empathy and emotions makes so much more sense now that I've read it.

[Malia Odekirk · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had great nuggets of information that I will be ruminating on for a while. I loved some of the actionable advice for hyper-empathic people. I have been seeking grounding techniques that are quick and manageable and tools to be connected with others while not taking responsibility or ownership of their feelings. This book gave me a lot of helpful tools that I’m excited to try out! Some of the language felt a bit outdated but overall this was a book I’m very happy to have read.

[Gregg R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life Changing! I read this after reading Language of Emotions and the two books go well together. I wouldn't necessarily say this meant to be a self-help book, yet it is the most helpful self-help book I've ever read. I understand my emotions like never before and am contemplating her concepts continually.

[Lou Fricke · Rating 2 out of 5]

I understand [and understood prior to reading this protracted book] empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others and involves both cognitive empathy (understanding) and emotional empathy (feeling); however this book is highly convoluted.
In the end she brought up a couple reminders but no new takeaways that remotely made it worthwhile to complete this book.

[Daniel · Rating 3 out of 5]

The content is really good, worth it. The problem is, the book is all over the place. It lacks a coherent narrative, starting with personal emotion, somehow moving to work, and ending with the human species. The book is promising but clearly needs an editor; it is so hard to read and not feel lost while reading it.

[Sean Bivins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was life changing. McLaren’s framework for understanding emotions made these essential human assets more accessible to me. Never will I think about emotions the same way again. Thank you for sharing your story and for writing this book!

[Ad Astra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly rated for the great insight and information. Highly recommend for anyone looking to explore emotions, boundaries, and the healthy vs unhealthy range of feelings. Quite a beautiful way to navigate and rethink stuff.

[ANDRÉS NOVOA · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was a gift to read this book. At first it seemed a little too academic, theoretical maybe, but as I read through I found a refreshing and profound interpretation of empathy and emotions. It’s a manual for people who want to learn and practice the skill of empathy.

[Ellen Bard · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this an interesting and unique perspective on emotions, with a number of useful and practical techniques to work through complex or difficult feels.

[Kylee Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. I have learned so much about emotional health and about myself. This is a book you own to mark it up, reference, and share. A must read.

[Razzmatazz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Too self-helpy

[AT Bear · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave voice to a number of my thoughts and dare ai say feelings. Hopefully others read it and figure out the dangers of us versus them when we are all just part of humanity

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing! I never really learned empathy as a Gen X child. Or more likely I suppressed my empathy for some reason. I think everyone should read this book, especially if you have strong political feelings against “the other side”.

[Forbe O'Conner · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chapters 3 & 4 about the usefulness of emotions, articulating "the questions" we might think of emotions asking seems very valuable. The for-us-empaths tone got to be a little hard to stomach during the last half of the book, for me.

[Mike Hendrickson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was ok. I like situational awareness more than empathy, similar but personally more effective.

[Matthew Kuper · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

[Tricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, I picked up this book after reading this article. My first reaction to the study was "Well I'm screwed" and I realized that if I wanted to be more proactive about taking care of my health I would first need to tackle the problem of being a "hyper-empath" (author's term) and how that is eventually going to wreck me (thanks for that knowledge, depressing research article).
A couple of quick notes on the book: 1) I had to go check that it had a paperback edition because the way the author read I could have SWORN it was made up on the fly. It sounds just like a podcast, not at all like she is reading from her own written, printed text. Personally, I listen to a lot of Podcasts so I loved it- if you hate the halting, pondering way people speak in Podcasts then perhaps you should pick up the written version. 2) As other reviewers have pointed out, it IS repetitive and reads like a memoir- LOTS of personal stories contained within.
Now, those notes aside: I loved this book. It is short (only 6 hours) so I actually listened to Chapters 2, 3, 4 and 5 twice (finished a chapter and then immediately re-started it). This is because she makes up a lot of her own terminology and I really wanted to absorb what she had to say. I was very profoundly moved by her viewpoint and treatment of emotions and yes, I thought re-reading would help it sink in better. The one thing this book will teach you (if you're only looking for one thing) is: EMOTIONS ARE ACTION-REQUIRING NEUROLOGICAL PROGRAMMING. They are not inherently good or bad but their manifestations require you to determine which action each emotion is requiring of you in a given circumstance.
For me personally, it was empowering to hear confirmation that being empathetic does not necessarily have to be something you are "doing all the time". Your core can be deeply empathetic while also experiencing BURN OUT whereupon you aren't 'acting' empathetic at ALL. Also, she pointed out that there are people who are "selfishly considerate" who want others to think they are empathetic but that they don't truly act the way an empath would. I feel like this was a great place to start the book because I've known both sorts of people in my life and it is can be really confusing. Until she gave me the terminology I didn't know why some people naturally felt more "safe" than others to reveal myself to emotionally.
Now, getting into the meat of the book. Wow. Until someone points out how messed up a culture is that only treats 2 emotions on the entire emotional spectrum as "positive" you don't realize how inappropriate and unhealthy it is to live that way. During the quiet meditative moments of connecting with the positive aspects of fear and sadness I never would have thought those quiet, peaceful, revealing moments of self-reflection were rooted from those emotions. I LOVED that she pointed out that almost all meditation comes from the "soft presentation" of sadness- as it is the "grounding emotion".
Another thing I appreciated about the book is the way she addressed the fallacy that children with Autism are considered unempathetic and how it shows how disconnected from our emotions we really are as a society. Knowing my son, it's true that only a culture without any understanding of emotion would think that he was devoid of empathy.
I'm grateful for my greater awareness (self-awareness, parenting awareness, social awareness) after reading this book. I'm sure I'll read it again. Thanks for being cheaper than a therapist Karla ;)