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Help for Billy
Written for both parents and educators, Help for Billy addresses the real issues going on behind a child's negative behavior. It will change everything for your child--a must read for anyone working with a child in the classroom.
209 pages, Paperback
First published December 20, 2012
328 people are currently reading
1668 people want to read
About the author
Heather T. Forbes
11 books46 followersHeather T. Forbes, LCSW, is the owner of the Beyond Consequences Institute. She is an internationally published author on the topics of raising children with difficult and severe behaviors, understanding the parent’s reactivity when challenged in the home, and working with challenging children in the classroom. Forbes lectures, consults, and coaches parents throughout the U.S. and internationally with families in crisis working to create peaceful and loving families. She is passionate about supporting families and professionals by bridging the gap between academic research and "when the rubber hits the road" parenting. Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, developmental delays, and adoption-related issues comes from her direct mothering experience of her two internationally adopted children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 154 reviews
February 23, 2017
This book was recommended by my school admin. At one point the principal said, "This is an amazing book. I want every teacher to ever teach here to get a copy of it!" Every time I mentioned a particular behavior issue in my class, various support staff (education coaches, counselors) asked, "Have you read Help for Billy?" Umm, noooo, not yet... I've been too busy working with my dozens of Billys and 60 or so Andys as well as a few not-yet-named students to give this book the six-and-a-half hours Audible said it would require. (I used the Audible version to listen on my way to and from work for a while. Girlfriend is not my favorite reader and since she relies on her Figures to illustrate her points, you kinda need to have the book.)
But now I'm on midwinter break. So what was the first thing I did? Cracked open good ol' Billy.
Perhaps I was set up for disappointment by all those insinuations of this book's greatness. Regardless, I was definitely disappointed.
Seems to me that Forbes approaches her topic as a parent of two out-of-country adopted children and as a social worker. She really seems to be out of her league when she writes about the classroom--especially when she offers advice for handling Billy. As many have already pointed out, working in a room with 20-something other students really does not allow us to engage with Billy the way HTF would like us to. I can see some (limited) merit in her advice, but much of it simply won't work in a real gen ed classroom. Maybe in a room with a smaller class size? However, not having taught in that environment, unlike HTF, I hesitate to claim it would work there, either.
Furthermore, despite her argument that all these traumatized kids act like toddlers, I find that some of the lessons are hard to extrapolate from her illustrations of life in elementary school. I teach middle school. Our demands are different (schedules, content, no more recess and electives --which allow teachers non-instructional time). Those are just to name a few. Peer relationships and social demands are distinct for middle schoolers, too, so I frequently found myself trying to adjust her vignettes to fit my needs and, frankly, they just couldn't.
HTF frequently casually makes demands on teachers' outside of classroom time to meet Billy's needs. Calls home in the evening, an extra ten minutes before school starts. Small sacrifices for this stressed-out kid. And I can see that that makes sense to to a social worker who has never taught an eight hour day with many classes with multiple Billys. To most classroom teachers, though, this really is asking more than most of us can give. Not because we are not loving and caring, but because we are going all out during pretty much every minute of the day to meet the needs of all of our students in instruction, materials, extra supports and differentiation (not to mention meetings with parents, staff, and professional learning committees). How would HTF know about all of that, though? And this is why she's not really qualified to make these recommendations.
So, not so applicable.
The other issue in my case is that we're being asked to consider Billy as an example of a child who has experienced childhood trauma. This I get. But HTF seems to be limiting this trauma to the experience of parental neglect. While, yes, that is certainly an issue for some of my Billys, it's certainly not the case for all. We have a lot of parents who are dedicated and loving already and still are at their wits' end regarding how to help their kids. In fact, many of us are loving, caring teachers who are still having trouble, and this is not because we are insufficiently "loving."
HTF does have the decency to admit at the end of her book that sometimes we simply won't see a change in Billy. Our job is simply to love 'em like crazy and hope for the best. Billy is on his own healing timeline. This, I understand, but it certainly doesn't leave any way for me to improve the climate in my general class when we must all simply love and accept Billy and try to press on with the instruction that all of my students need. Billy's dysregulation isn't just a hazard to himself while he is healing; he's also a setback to the rest of the class when they are trying to keep up/catch up/learn something in class each day.
No matter how often HTF reminds us that we must not let test scores or other false measures determine our success, the fact is that at least in my school system, data matters. Really, as a parent of students in public schools, I also would want some kind of proof that my child is growing and learning in school. HTF's blank check that we just need to keep loving Billy is not much of a gift to th rest of the kids in the classroom. Sometimes I wonder if it is also an excuse to lower expectations for Billy by "detach[ing] from the outcome" (197). Those are very dangerous words, making room for a lot of growing gaps in education. As someone who spent almost ten pages convincing us that "words matter" (heading of the section that runs from 179 to 188 in which HTF critics and analyzes words used in standard IEPs) this seems irresponsible.
Speaking of irresponsible... What in the world was that pseudo-science HTF was trying to pass off about "entrainment" with that bizarre illustration of a body with force fields coming from its heart and head? (129-130) To somehow imply that synched menstrual cycles and great conversations with friends are the same thing as patting a kid's shoulder is just... nuts. I guess I just need to do more research into the Institute of HeartMath. I'm sure they're reputable. It kinda sounds like Dartmouth.
Did I learn anything from this book? Yes. But most of it was more usefully, less condescendingly, and more universally presented in Glasser's Transforming the Difficult Child which is, so far, the most pragmatic source I've seen for interacting with my Billys with dignity, respect, gentleness, kindness and accountability for both the students and myself. In a classroom, that's pretty much the kind of "love" my students seem to need most.
But now I'm on midwinter break. So what was the first thing I did? Cracked open good ol' Billy.
Perhaps I was set up for disappointment by all those insinuations of this book's greatness. Regardless, I was definitely disappointed.
Seems to me that Forbes approaches her topic as a parent of two out-of-country adopted children and as a social worker. She really seems to be out of her league when she writes about the classroom--especially when she offers advice for handling Billy. As many have already pointed out, working in a room with 20-something other students really does not allow us to engage with Billy the way HTF would like us to. I can see some (limited) merit in her advice, but much of it simply won't work in a real gen ed classroom. Maybe in a room with a smaller class size? However, not having taught in that environment, unlike HTF, I hesitate to claim it would work there, either.
Furthermore, despite her argument that all these traumatized kids act like toddlers, I find that some of the lessons are hard to extrapolate from her illustrations of life in elementary school. I teach middle school. Our demands are different (schedules, content, no more recess and electives --which allow teachers non-instructional time). Those are just to name a few. Peer relationships and social demands are distinct for middle schoolers, too, so I frequently found myself trying to adjust her vignettes to fit my needs and, frankly, they just couldn't.
HTF frequently casually makes demands on teachers' outside of classroom time to meet Billy's needs. Calls home in the evening, an extra ten minutes before school starts. Small sacrifices for this stressed-out kid. And I can see that that makes sense to to a social worker who has never taught an eight hour day with many classes with multiple Billys. To most classroom teachers, though, this really is asking more than most of us can give. Not because we are not loving and caring, but because we are going all out during pretty much every minute of the day to meet the needs of all of our students in instruction, materials, extra supports and differentiation (not to mention meetings with parents, staff, and professional learning committees). How would HTF know about all of that, though? And this is why she's not really qualified to make these recommendations.
So, not so applicable.
The other issue in my case is that we're being asked to consider Billy as an example of a child who has experienced childhood trauma. This I get. But HTF seems to be limiting this trauma to the experience of parental neglect. While, yes, that is certainly an issue for some of my Billys, it's certainly not the case for all. We have a lot of parents who are dedicated and loving already and still are at their wits' end regarding how to help their kids. In fact, many of us are loving, caring teachers who are still having trouble, and this is not because we are insufficiently "loving."
HTF does have the decency to admit at the end of her book that sometimes we simply won't see a change in Billy. Our job is simply to love 'em like crazy and hope for the best. Billy is on his own healing timeline. This, I understand, but it certainly doesn't leave any way for me to improve the climate in my general class when we must all simply love and accept Billy and try to press on with the instruction that all of my students need. Billy's dysregulation isn't just a hazard to himself while he is healing; he's also a setback to the rest of the class when they are trying to keep up/catch up/learn something in class each day.
No matter how often HTF reminds us that we must not let test scores or other false measures determine our success, the fact is that at least in my school system, data matters. Really, as a parent of students in public schools, I also would want some kind of proof that my child is growing and learning in school. HTF's blank check that we just need to keep loving Billy is not much of a gift to th rest of the kids in the classroom. Sometimes I wonder if it is also an excuse to lower expectations for Billy by "detach[ing] from the outcome" (197). Those are very dangerous words, making room for a lot of growing gaps in education. As someone who spent almost ten pages convincing us that "words matter" (heading of the section that runs from 179 to 188 in which HTF critics and analyzes words used in standard IEPs) this seems irresponsible.
Speaking of irresponsible... What in the world was that pseudo-science HTF was trying to pass off about "entrainment" with that bizarre illustration of a body with force fields coming from its heart and head? (129-130) To somehow imply that synched menstrual cycles and great conversations with friends are the same thing as patting a kid's shoulder is just... nuts. I guess I just need to do more research into the Institute of HeartMath. I'm sure they're reputable. It kinda sounds like Dartmouth.
Did I learn anything from this book? Yes. But most of it was more usefully, less condescendingly, and more universally presented in Glasser's Transforming the Difficult Child which is, so far, the most pragmatic source I've seen for interacting with my Billys with dignity, respect, gentleness, kindness and accountability for both the students and myself. In a classroom, that's pretty much the kind of "love" my students seem to need most.
August 28, 2018
Typically, when you see negative reactions to books such as this one, they criticize it for promoting practices too difficult to implement in a real classroom. But that type of criticism still tends to assume that what is written is true. The plan might work if you had smaller class sizes, more time, and more support. Here, that wouldn't change a thing, because what Forbes has written about children and trauma isn't actually true.
How could I say such a thing? For one, I haven't seen citations this appalling since actually being in grade school. In the notes section you can find references to WebMD, blogspot, and freedictionary.com. Forbes makes misguided claims about the way the brain functions, which could easily have been avoided through doing some actual research. Most glaringly, she recommends that we manipulate the emotional states of children using our heart energy. That's not a metaphor. There's a fucking diagram.
Beyond this, Forbes tends to characterize Billy in a 1-dimensional manner. He's scared. That's all. We must do everything in our power to make him feel safe. Then towards the end of the book she advocates a zero-tolerance policy for bullies. What she fails to realize is that Billy often is the bully. The previous 200 pages demand extreme tolerance at all times. This contradiction leads one to cast intense doubt over Forbes' ability to think through the complex issues present in schools today. No truth, no logic. What's left is yet another credo calling for more compassion in the classroom. Redundant.
How could I say such a thing? For one, I haven't seen citations this appalling since actually being in grade school. In the notes section you can find references to WebMD, blogspot, and freedictionary.com. Forbes makes misguided claims about the way the brain functions, which could easily have been avoided through doing some actual research. Most glaringly, she recommends that we manipulate the emotional states of children using our heart energy. That's not a metaphor. There's a fucking diagram.
Beyond this, Forbes tends to characterize Billy in a 1-dimensional manner. He's scared. That's all. We must do everything in our power to make him feel safe. Then towards the end of the book she advocates a zero-tolerance policy for bullies. What she fails to realize is that Billy often is the bully. The previous 200 pages demand extreme tolerance at all times. This contradiction leads one to cast intense doubt over Forbes' ability to think through the complex issues present in schools today. No truth, no logic. What's left is yet another credo calling for more compassion in the classroom. Redundant.
January 13, 2017
Was hoping for real solutions to the real problem of kids with trauma. Was frustrated as I feel a lot of this is unworkable in a real classroom. Perhaps if they are put in separate classes some of these things could be instituted. But I can't see a teacher of a full class of kids stopping the class repeatedly (and it will be repeatedly) to give "Billy" time to calm or regulate. Nothing would get done. Maybe for kids lower on the trauma spectrum some of these things are workable.
May 15, 2016
This should be required reading for anyone working with children in any capacity. It should be required reading annually for anyone working with children in a teaching setting.
July 8, 2022
Solid foundation for recognizing and understanding the impacts of childhood trauma. Provides tangible recommendations, particularly for school professionals and caregivers. Highly recommend for all school personnel to better understand challenging behaviors and provide support to student. Written in an accessible, lay manner, making it easy to follow with practical advice. However, I do wish there was a bit more research-based or academic information included to underpin the content and provide context.
April 5, 2023
This book has some very helpful suggestions for how to help kids with trauma and behavior issues regulate in the classroom! I’m glad I read it! Unfortunately, many of the things listed are almost impossible in a school setting, unless a teacher were able to ignore the rest of her students completely so she can help the one having trouble. Also, teachers are not therapists and need more in class support for these kids. It’s good for us to have a background in childhood trauma, but ultimately we need help to support these children so every student can have a good experience.
September 27, 2018
This book is aimed at elementary school scenarios and students.
I found the table on page 167 helpful, as well as the checklist on page 73 and the script renewals on pages 78-79.
The portion about teachers' unresolved childhood issues emotionally hi-jacking encounters with "Billy" students provides food for thought.
Some of the science/logic makes perfect sense and reflects the ways in which education has already changed. Some of the notions presented, however, are of a dubious veracity.
The advice, as I mentioned, is intended for teachers of children fifth grade and under. At what point can/should teachers expect full participation or completion from "Billy" students? How can (when will) they merge into the busy hallways where they might be tardy seven times a day. Once in high school, those students have seven sets of 33 classmates, each of whom have a set of personal issues as well as a set of state learning standards on which to demonstrate proficiency.
I am sympathetic toward traumatized students and to those with undeveloped self-regulation. I want to help them, and I have a reputation for doing so, but there is only so much that can be done in a traditional setting. Aside from building positive, productive relationships with all students, what practical application is there for teachers in crowded classrooms? Learning can not grind to a halt when one student is having a rough day. ALL students have a right to learn, and no one has a right to impede them. At some point, does it amount to educational neglect when emotional needs supersede academic needs? The argument presented against social promotion (which I agree with) seems contradictory to the reduction of assignments called for by the teacher (half the essay length? half the spelling words?). I realize that cookie-cutter lessons and assignments are one extreme, but must every child have a specialized set of expectations? The demands of the workforce are a concern for those who teach older kids, and we are beset with a litany of disappointment and demands from colleges and employers. Many of these complaints are derived from the over-tolerance and compromises advocated for in this book. Necessary as they may be, accommodations are sometimes a disservice in the long run, for I've heard of former students who quit jobs because their IEPs aren't "honored" by their managers.
I found the table on page 167 helpful, as well as the checklist on page 73 and the script renewals on pages 78-79.
The portion about teachers' unresolved childhood issues emotionally hi-jacking encounters with "Billy" students provides food for thought.
Some of the science/logic makes perfect sense and reflects the ways in which education has already changed. Some of the notions presented, however, are of a dubious veracity.
The advice, as I mentioned, is intended for teachers of children fifth grade and under. At what point can/should teachers expect full participation or completion from "Billy" students? How can (when will) they merge into the busy hallways where they might be tardy seven times a day. Once in high school, those students have seven sets of 33 classmates, each of whom have a set of personal issues as well as a set of state learning standards on which to demonstrate proficiency.
I am sympathetic toward traumatized students and to those with undeveloped self-regulation. I want to help them, and I have a reputation for doing so, but there is only so much that can be done in a traditional setting. Aside from building positive, productive relationships with all students, what practical application is there for teachers in crowded classrooms? Learning can not grind to a halt when one student is having a rough day. ALL students have a right to learn, and no one has a right to impede them. At some point, does it amount to educational neglect when emotional needs supersede academic needs? The argument presented against social promotion (which I agree with) seems contradictory to the reduction of assignments called for by the teacher (half the essay length? half the spelling words?). I realize that cookie-cutter lessons and assignments are one extreme, but must every child have a specialized set of expectations? The demands of the workforce are a concern for those who teach older kids, and we are beset with a litany of disappointment and demands from colleges and employers. Many of these complaints are derived from the over-tolerance and compromises advocated for in this book. Necessary as they may be, accommodations are sometimes a disservice in the long run, for I've heard of former students who quit jobs because their IEPs aren't "honored" by their managers.
June 20, 2020
Before I write what this book meant to me, let me say that I can't unread it. Therefore, it will have an impact on me and maybe help in dealing with the many, many "Billies" I see in urban middle school. The basic premise is: Billy can't help himself - he is "damaged goods" - learn to coddle and connive him in order to stop disrupting, derailing and destroying the public school classroom he or she is in. It really is not his fault - he is wired to be the way he is because he was possibly unloved in utero, not given attention, all the way up to abused (sad but real). Oh, and it never ends until he or she "grows up"? Not sure about that. One specific complaint of this book is in the long list of negative environmental things that Billy could be exposed to, it excludes addiction.
So here is my official review. I am anxiously awaiting the follow up books in this series:
1. Help for Billy's "parents" so that they can see beyond the attention appeal of having a baby.
2. Help for America's public education system which is overloaded with Billy.
3. Help for Billy's teachers to find new jobs or ways of dealing with stress.
4. Help for Billy's classmates to find a school where they can learn because they can't here as their teacher is spending all of her time dealing with Billy's antics (which he can't help - no blame)
5. Help for Billy's classmates to realize that though Billy creates a lot of entertainment in the classroom (swearing, fighting, throwing stuff, talking) it really is taking away from their education.
6. Help for Billy so that he can overcome his psychological problems via counseling, medicine, therapy, etc.
7. Help for Billy to get accepted to a voucher school that is not allowed to kick him out because they are using tax dollars.
So here is my official review. I am anxiously awaiting the follow up books in this series:
1. Help for Billy's "parents" so that they can see beyond the attention appeal of having a baby.
2. Help for America's public education system which is overloaded with Billy.
3. Help for Billy's teachers to find new jobs or ways of dealing with stress.
4. Help for Billy's classmates to find a school where they can learn because they can't here as their teacher is spending all of her time dealing with Billy's antics (which he can't help - no blame)
5. Help for Billy's classmates to realize that though Billy creates a lot of entertainment in the classroom (swearing, fighting, throwing stuff, talking) it really is taking away from their education.
6. Help for Billy so that he can overcome his psychological problems via counseling, medicine, therapy, etc.
7. Help for Billy to get accepted to a voucher school that is not allowed to kick him out because they are using tax dollars.
January 22, 2020
This book gives some common sense reminders for adults helping children with trauma. However, the book has very little scientific research backing what Forbes is proposing. The citations lack authority on the subject at hand. The strategies in this book assume infinite time frames for managing "Billy's," a term she has coined for a 1-dimensional child model.
As a high school teacher I can say from 10 years of personal experience that dividing my class into a false dichotomy of "Andy's" and "Billy's" is a horrible approach. Each student is an entity unto themselves, requiring a range of approaches only attained by one working in the field of education for long period of time.
She also has very linear models of human thought and behavior. Her claims about the functions of the brain are conveniently simple and redundant. So much, in fact, that this book could be condensed into a 15 page manual. I think that it is unfortunate because this is a topic that could be researched with much more depth.
It also leaves me wondering, "What capital gains have been made from this book with the such a minimal effort?" My district has certainly been buffaloed into many of Forbe's products.
As a high school teacher I can say from 10 years of personal experience that dividing my class into a false dichotomy of "Andy's" and "Billy's" is a horrible approach. Each student is an entity unto themselves, requiring a range of approaches only attained by one working in the field of education for long period of time.
She also has very linear models of human thought and behavior. Her claims about the functions of the brain are conveniently simple and redundant. So much, in fact, that this book could be condensed into a 15 page manual. I think that it is unfortunate because this is a topic that could be researched with much more depth.
It also leaves me wondering, "What capital gains have been made from this book with the such a minimal effort?" My district has certainly been buffaloed into many of Forbe's products.
June 5, 2024
I read this book for a book club at work.
I cannot express to you how much I hated it. The worst book I’ve read this year! And here’s why:
- The publishing date is 2012. Some of the resources sited were out of date or new research indicates that it is now obsolete. -1 star
- The author sited a study that is now being sued for fraud in Canada. Her credibility diminished instantly. -1 star.
- The author was patronizing to educators. And it felt like the audience was elementary level. Being in middle school, I felt like there was very little she contributed. -1 star.
- The author is an LCSW - a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. That’s a Master’s Level therapist in a clinical setting. There’s no guarantee that she has worked with children, with teachers, OR in schools. -1 star.
- I listened to the audiobook and the narrator repeatedly pronounced the word plethora as “plethóra”. She should be fired. -1,000,000 stars.
-1,000,004/5 stars. Purely not good.
I cannot express to you how much I hated it. The worst book I’ve read this year! And here’s why:
- The publishing date is 2012. Some of the resources sited were out of date or new research indicates that it is now obsolete. -1 star
- The author sited a study that is now being sued for fraud in Canada. Her credibility diminished instantly. -1 star.
- The author was patronizing to educators. And it felt like the audience was elementary level. Being in middle school, I felt like there was very little she contributed. -1 star.
- The author is an LCSW - a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. That’s a Master’s Level therapist in a clinical setting. There’s no guarantee that she has worked with children, with teachers, OR in schools. -1 star.
- I listened to the audiobook and the narrator repeatedly pronounced the word plethora as “plethóra”. She should be fired. -1,000,000 stars.
-1,000,004/5 stars. Purely not good.
April 28, 2025
This could be a good intro to the effects of trauma for someone who’s exploring it for the first time. I echo others wondering how realistic this methodology is for a classroom in 2025. The book is written as if there is one “Billy” in your room, that you can exclusively attend to, when we know this is seldom the case. I appreciate the sentiment but not sure the target audience was effectively reached here
March 22, 2025
I'm a teacher. This author clearly is not. She gives contradictory statements, like teacher should use lunch time to check in and eat with "Billy". But then says that teachers need to have boundaries and time to regulate themselves. When?
"Survey says" quotes feel made up.
I don't like the overuse of "overwhelm" as a noun. Ick.
Heartmath? What the???
"Survey says" quotes feel made up.
I don't like the overuse of "overwhelm" as a noun. Ick.
Heartmath? What the???
August 28, 2024
This was my book study for summer PD 2024; I resent that I hadn't been forced to read it 10 years ago, because if I had known what this book taught me, I'd have been a better teacher. It will have a huge impact on how I teach, how I interact, and how I can be a safe space for those students who I used to wish would just be placed elsewhere.
I also learned a lot about my own psychology and physiology, which was helpful.
I also learned a lot about my own psychology and physiology, which was helpful.
April 3, 2024
I really enjoyed this book! Very eye-opening thinking of my kiddos that are a lot like Billy - I have so many more “teacher tools” to use after this! What was even more eye-opening was reading this book and being able to make connections from this to grown adults in my life! Very unexpected, but gained some additional “life tools” that I’ll tuck away for later.
August 9, 2018
Best book I've read about working with challenging students!
February 22, 2019
Did this as a Book Study at work. Excellent book and provided me with a fresh perspective of my students. I desire relationship over behavior. Totally worth reading!
September 15, 2019
Good. Some of this stuff seems so basic and obvious, but clearly we need more work on this as educators. I like the practicum suggestions and ease of this read. Very approachable as a book for teacher at any level.
April 14, 2024
An outstanding resource for teachers working with children from hard places.
October 8, 2024
This book should be required reading for all teachers.
February 12, 2022
Fabulous! I learned so much about how to help the Billy’s of the world.
February 16, 2018
Heather Forbes does an excellent job of blending the latest research on trauma into the classroom. She helps one understand how the brain is wired and gives alternative ways of handling the students who are affected by trauma. Very readable and applicable.
October 13, 2022
Though I don’t agree with some of the strategies in this book, it’s a must read for anyone working with children in any capacity. HIGHLY recommend!
June 4, 2020
A good, informational book for teachers.
December 2, 2024
I read this book for grad school. It was overall well-written and insightful. I did feel as a middle school teacher that it would be better suited for an elementary teacher, but the themes of the book still apply regardless of the age of the student.
July 8, 2014
Helping Children with Difficult Behaviors Succeed in School (and in Life)
In each of her books for adoptive parents, Heather Forbes has written knowledgably with an emphasis on compassion and understanding. In Help for Billy, her approach is again steeped in respect, empathy, and love for the child. He’s not scapegoated as the problem; he’s viewed as a child with problems. Billy is not a bad kid; he’s a kid that life has thrown into the white water and he is struggling mightily to stay afloat.
Yes, it is challenging to be the parent or teacher of a child like Billy. His behavior is problematic. It is both a symptom and evidence of Billy’s need for help.
Several points in the book resonated with me. First Forbes encourages educators and parents to reformulate the questions they ask themselves as they try to determine how to help Billy. Instead of querying, How can Billy change his behavior? She recommends asking, How can we assist Billy in feeling safe, supported and calm?
Until this second question is asked and the answer is found, changing Billy’s behavior with consequences, threats, and constraints is impossible. Even worse, it is damaging to the family relationships as well as the teacher-child relationship.
Relationship influences everything. It is the channel through which a child is influenced, healed, and motivated. In the absence of relationships that feel safe and calm, Billy will be unable to function because he will be entirely focused on surviving and/or escaping his fears. Learning and “behaving” take a backseat to survival in the moment of fear.
Another salient point of the book—alter the desired outcome—is phrased this way: “Your ability to give love and stay mindful is the new outcome.” This statement may seem contrary to the premise of the book—Help for Billy. How can focusing on emotions help Billy academically and socially? By removing his perception that he is in danger and creating a feeling of safety and acceptance, Billy’s brain has energy and space to spend on intellectual activity. As long as Billy is in survival mode, everything else is perceived as frivolous.
Soothing his fears is a huge step towards accepting Billy as he is right now, along with his trauma history and unpleasant coping behaviors. He needs love and acceptance in the present moment. Withholding support, love, and acceptance until he meets certain standards may sentence him to a permanent state of being judged and found short of the mark.
Billy’s path may never smooth out as parents and teachers would hope but the greatest gift they can offer is to scaffold him with the necessary support systems—emotional as well as academic—that allow Billy to begin the lifetime journey of healing his trauma.
Helping Billy offers practical tips for parents and teachers. In many cases, they flip the traditional paradigm 180˚. While the approach may seems “out of the box,” it is definitely doable and may be exactly what the Billys in our families and schools need.
As parents and educators, we must not lose sight that our goal is not to raise scholars but to raise productive human beings. We must nurture Billy’s spirit as our highest priority then we can hope to address his academic achievement.
As an adoptive parent and an adoption coach, I know the value of Heather's loving and relationship-focused approach. Many times I have reminded myself to pause and determine if my child's behaviors result from I"won't" or "can't." Our relationships have benefited from this solution approach. By choosing to be less adversarial and more curious about what drives behavior, better strategies have evolved. More importantly, better relationships have grown.
--Gayle H. Swift, author, "ABC, Adoption & Me: A Multicultural Picture Book"
In each of her books for adoptive parents, Heather Forbes has written knowledgably with an emphasis on compassion and understanding. In Help for Billy, her approach is again steeped in respect, empathy, and love for the child. He’s not scapegoated as the problem; he’s viewed as a child with problems. Billy is not a bad kid; he’s a kid that life has thrown into the white water and he is struggling mightily to stay afloat.
Yes, it is challenging to be the parent or teacher of a child like Billy. His behavior is problematic. It is both a symptom and evidence of Billy’s need for help.
Several points in the book resonated with me. First Forbes encourages educators and parents to reformulate the questions they ask themselves as they try to determine how to help Billy. Instead of querying, How can Billy change his behavior? She recommends asking, How can we assist Billy in feeling safe, supported and calm?
Until this second question is asked and the answer is found, changing Billy’s behavior with consequences, threats, and constraints is impossible. Even worse, it is damaging to the family relationships as well as the teacher-child relationship.
Relationship influences everything. It is the channel through which a child is influenced, healed, and motivated. In the absence of relationships that feel safe and calm, Billy will be unable to function because he will be entirely focused on surviving and/or escaping his fears. Learning and “behaving” take a backseat to survival in the moment of fear.
Another salient point of the book—alter the desired outcome—is phrased this way: “Your ability to give love and stay mindful is the new outcome.” This statement may seem contrary to the premise of the book—Help for Billy. How can focusing on emotions help Billy academically and socially? By removing his perception that he is in danger and creating a feeling of safety and acceptance, Billy’s brain has energy and space to spend on intellectual activity. As long as Billy is in survival mode, everything else is perceived as frivolous.
Soothing his fears is a huge step towards accepting Billy as he is right now, along with his trauma history and unpleasant coping behaviors. He needs love and acceptance in the present moment. Withholding support, love, and acceptance until he meets certain standards may sentence him to a permanent state of being judged and found short of the mark.
Billy’s path may never smooth out as parents and teachers would hope but the greatest gift they can offer is to scaffold him with the necessary support systems—emotional as well as academic—that allow Billy to begin the lifetime journey of healing his trauma.
Helping Billy offers practical tips for parents and teachers. In many cases, they flip the traditional paradigm 180˚. While the approach may seems “out of the box,” it is definitely doable and may be exactly what the Billys in our families and schools need.
As parents and educators, we must not lose sight that our goal is not to raise scholars but to raise productive human beings. We must nurture Billy’s spirit as our highest priority then we can hope to address his academic achievement.
As an adoptive parent and an adoption coach, I know the value of Heather's loving and relationship-focused approach. Many times I have reminded myself to pause and determine if my child's behaviors result from I"won't" or "can't." Our relationships have benefited from this solution approach. By choosing to be less adversarial and more curious about what drives behavior, better strategies have evolved. More importantly, better relationships have grown.
--Gayle H. Swift, author, "ABC, Adoption & Me: A Multicultural Picture Book"
August 21, 2018
I think all teachers should read this book. Could be really helpful for our students that really test our patience. It can only help... I'm hoping to be able to utilize this in the upcoming school year.
January 18, 2018
I *really* enjoyed this book and believe that educators at every level should read it. The first part focuses on child development from conception through childhood and how that development affects a child's ability to perform academically. Although Forbes focuses on students in an elementary or early middle school setting, what secondary teachers needs to understand is that what happens in these settings, affects the student (and thereby the teacher) later on in secondary.
We're debating about using this text for our 400 level Classroom Management text, and I believe I'll support it; however, I had some issues with the second half of the text. When she began discussing various case studies and recommendations for parents, teachers, etc... she seemed to make a lot of assumptions for things parents and teachers should do to handle students like Billy. Unfortunately, every situation is different and I worry that student teachers will take this to heart and become overwhelmed or think it unfathomable. Also, Forbes didn't make any mention to how school psychologists and guidance counselors are privy to more information than the average classroom teacher, which can obviously hinder a teacher's ability to interact effectively with a student like Billy.
We're debating about using this text for our 400 level Classroom Management text, and I believe I'll support it; however, I had some issues with the second half of the text. When she began discussing various case studies and recommendations for parents, teachers, etc... she seemed to make a lot of assumptions for things parents and teachers should do to handle students like Billy. Unfortunately, every situation is different and I worry that student teachers will take this to heart and become overwhelmed or think it unfathomable. Also, Forbes didn't make any mention to how school psychologists and guidance counselors are privy to more information than the average classroom teacher, which can obviously hinder a teacher's ability to interact effectively with a student like Billy.
September 15, 2018
The book tells you that you have to live in the real world and engage with a child like "Billy" (which is true) and then it tells you to spend ten minutes of your class time talking to "him" to be able to help "him" manage. Because all the other students in the class are Andys? Now who needs to live in the real world?
I appreciated the approach of understanding students like "Billy." I fully comprehend that this life today does a number on children before they even get out the gate. I do see some of what the book stresses in my students. However, it was frustrating that there were never any real solutions to the situation, just "understand 'him' and use your team for support." What team? It's me and the students and that's it. Where are the solutions for that?
Insightful as far as diagnosis, disappointing as far as solutions.
I appreciated the approach of understanding students like "Billy." I fully comprehend that this life today does a number on children before they even get out the gate. I do see some of what the book stresses in my students. However, it was frustrating that there were never any real solutions to the situation, just "understand 'him' and use your team for support." What team? It's me and the students and that's it. Where are the solutions for that?
Insightful as far as diagnosis, disappointing as far as solutions.
June 25, 2018
As the short review says this book covers all the 'real reasons behind kid's challenging behavior.' Basically this one comes down to environment--if your kid is challenging, guess what it is all your fault! Maybe you didn't love them, didn't cuddle them enough, worked outside the home (p.13), or you weren't happy enough (p. 54). I'm sure ADHD, cognitive impairment, mental illness, autism, etc, etc, etc could probably have been prevented if you had just taken your prenatals everyday.
If you can ignore all the ways you are failing as a parent and/or teacher and/or human being you will find some decent ways to work with challenging kids in a variety of settings.
If you can ignore all the ways you are failing as a parent and/or teacher and/or human being you will find some decent ways to work with challenging kids in a variety of settings.
October 24, 2020
I was disappointed with the lack of empirical evidence in this book. Most of Forbes observations were anecdotal making some premises difficult to buy into. And to be fair, she admits as such in the introduction. Coupled with other research on emotional trauma and management, it would be helpful, but as a stand alone work, it falls a bit short. Forbes instincts are probably right, but it seems more like she is pushing the agenda of the center that she works with/for without the hard evidence.
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