Your Grieving Child: Answers on Death and Dying

by Bill Dodds

Why Did Grandpa Die? Death is a part of life. It's the end of life on earth. Some people die when they're very young, and some die when they are very old. Sometimes a person's body just wears out after.... Someone said, "God took him." Why would God be so mean? God isn't mean, but it can feel that way when someone we love dies. It can be hard to remember that all of us were made to spend just a little time on earth and then all eternity.... Do pets go to heaven? Some people love animals so much they can't imagine a happy place without them. We know heaven is the happiest place ever, and we know God wants us to be happy so.... Your Grieving Child is designed to help you answer your children's questions about death and dying. Its goal is to assist them—and you—through the difficult time your family is facing. More than that, Your Grieving Child also offers you a better idea of what your child might like to ask but hasn't been able to put into words. For teens and older children, you may just want to give them the book and allow them the opportunity to examine it alone. Your Grieving Child can bring comfort and hope to your grieving family.

176 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2001

Reviews

[J · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this book up from the library after the father of my child's classmate passed away. I wanted to be prepared for any questions that might arise in my kindergartener's head. I'm pretty frank about death and dying; so I wanted to be sure I was using age-appropriate language and information.

The book was geared more toward the death of someone directly related to the child (parent, sibling, friend) but I still found it helpful. The most helpful thing about this book is that it showed me what types of questions children might have about death. It also gave samples of kid-appropriate answers. Answers came from an explicitly Catholic point of view, so there were mentions of God, Catholic sacraments and theology.

My main problem with the book (and it is a significant one) is that it seemed to whitewash or ignore inconvenient or difficult Catholic theology. There was a frank but brief answer to a question about the logistics of cremation at one point in the book (I cringed), so I know the author isn't totally adverse to saying truthful things that might upset children. Encountering death as a child creates a huge teaching moment, so it is important to be gentle but get the theological facts right.

Examples of incomplete theology:
Question 11 (Suicide): The answer states "We believe he is in God's hands now and God will take care of him". The truth is that not all suicides go to heaven to be with God. It would be better to say frankly that suicide is a mortal sin that cuts us off from God. However, sometimes people are mentally sick and not responsible for their actions. Or they could repent and be forgiven in the last few moments before death. Only God knows their fate, so it is important to pray for them.

Question 14 (What comes after death?): The answer gives two options - purgatory or heaven. But, of course, there is a third option not mentioned. I wouldn't overemphasis hell to a child, but it does have to be briefly mentioned.

Question 20 (Are pets in heaven?): The answer basically says we don't know. The Catholic Church actually teaches that pet do not go to heaven because they do not have souls. This is an unpopular answer, but it is the truth. Only human beings with souls can go to heaven when they die.

Question 23 (Limbo): This was just a weird, poorly worded answer. It might lead to more confusion than anything else.

Question 28 (Consequences of not attending Sunday mass): The author whitewashes the question and talks about how much God loves people and will never stop loving anyone. There is no mention or hint that knowingly not attending Sunday mass is a moral sin, which cuts us off from God. I would share this truth as gently as possible but to completely ignore it is false theology.

Question 60 (Cremation): The answer states in paraphrases that the Catholic Church now allows cremation. It does not include the very important caveat that the ashes need to be buried/interred in a cemetery just like a body would be. They can not be kept at home in an urn or scattered outside.

Question 72 (What to Wear to the Funeral): This isn't a theological matter, but I just found it extremely odd that that answer wouldn't mention the custom of wearing black/dark clothing. That would be important information to tell a child. Instead the answer just says "people wear their best clothes as a sign of respect".

Questions 84 & 85 (Funerals): The book pointedly mentions that other religions have different traditions and says that people choose "what is right for their loved one and right for the family" even when it directly conflicts with Catholic teaching.

Questions 109 & 110 (Pulling the Plug and Euthanasia): The answers provide no information about Catholic teaching or ethical concerns that may come into play in these situations. There is no moral commentary, which is striking in its absence.

Questions 117 (Organ donation): The answer treats organ donation as a positive thing. There is no reference to Catholic teaching in this area, which is concerned about the premature ending of life required to effectively harvest most organs.