While I feel uncomfortable rating a memoir/autobiographical account of any individual’s traumatic experience, this story is not written by either of the sisters that suffered from loss, trauma, PTSD, and other ailments connected with their childhood experiences (and thus the poor decisions made on their parts to date violent men and make impulsive/naive decisions in their adult lives).
Therefore, I feel okay with giving this book a fairly average rating: 3.5 stars, rounded up from 3. It’s an extremely compelling story with intense personal experiences and relationships to explore, but often right when it seems maybe you’ll gain some valuable insight into why something happened the way it did, the book switches gears and veers off into another time period, another person, a different dynamic entirely.
Some reviewers have been critical of the overly dry and very lengthy “background” story we get on Sam and Lori Sally’s childhoods, and understandably so. We’re told that they have been raised in an extremely fundamentalist religious family, taught to be subordinate to men, taught what to do and what not to do, but not told why these things are good or bad.
I do believe that the comparison of Jehovah’s Witnesses to ISIS is a
little bit extreme
. I understand that it’s easy to sensationalize religions such as Jehovah’s Witnesses and Scientology to make them more alluring, more newsworthy to the public. Of course, it’s easy to do so when they aren’t as widely practiced or haven’t been around as long as say, Catholicism, Islam, Judaism. But I’ve known Witnesses as early on as the third grade, where I met two of my very best friends (twins) that I’m still in touch with today.
Not only that, but my former boyfriend (whom I maintain civility with for the time being) of fifteen years was once in the JW faith, as well as his entire family, so you could definitely say I’ve been around the religion or practitioners/non-practitioners of it long enough. It is true that they believe an Apocalypse is evident, that only 144,000 make it to heaven, that breaking rules results in excommunication and banned contact with the excommunicated individual (yes, even if it’s your family). I don’t know where Roy got the impression that it was once believed the Apocalypse could happen at any moment, because I’ve never heard this before.
Like all organized religion, I believe you choose the extent to how seriously you let it define you, and there’s a spectrum. The JWs I knew were certainly allowed to listen and engage in the same pop culture I was exposed to. While they may not have celebrated birthdays, they do, oddly enough, celebrate wedding anniversaries.
It seems to have become a lot more flexible over the years though, and instead of just blaming one religion for all of man’s problems, we should instead look at how man twists religion to justify his own behavior. If Roy can do it for Islam, she can do it for Witnesses as well. The ones I know are a far cry from terrorists, college-educated, and very practical in their thinking and decision-making. It didn’t seem fair to lump all current or past practitioners of this faith into a category of “damaged from childhood trauma” according to her experience with one family.
Roy -the journalist/author - also spends a lot of time (too much time!) educating readers on the “traumagenic framework” by two psychologists which supposedly has been the landmark study for society and professionals seeking to understand the effects that childhood sexual abuse has on later adult life and decision-making.
Roy goes into excruciating detail charting out the “ACEs” (adverse childhood experiences) often stopping in the middle of an important story to explain - in several lengthy pages - these experiences, studies, percentages, and other data that really feels out of place not just in the parts of the book it’s written in, but in the book itself. It’s all very common sense to just about everyone at this point.
For instance, I can imagine that most people are well-aware of the fact that witnessing or experiencing domestic or physical violence throughout their childhood makes them more likely to rationalize this as a normal, even acceptable behavior, as they become adults (really, it’s that obvious).
The author does paint a pretty fair portrait of both Sam and Lori and their rivalry as sisters, their series of bad decisions, culminating in the most shocking decision of them all and the reason for the book: older sister Sam’s marrying the Moussa, the younger brother of Lori’s Muslim husband (the erratic, drug addicted brother Lori had always complained to Lori about for the brief period the sisters were living separate lives in separate states) and the eventual progression of her husband’s watching of ISIS propaganda videos to his own radicalization and Moussa’s final decision (with Sam’s support, I believe) to permanently leave the US, cross into the Syrian border with Sam and their two children, to join ISIS.
It’s pretty obvious that Moussa, like many so-called “Muslims” is abusing the actual tenets of the Islamic faith to fit his own selfish agenda (getting rich, gaining power, feeling important to the cause, having women and children he could command to respect him - and beating them for any “reluctance to obey their husbands” - or just for the sheer hell of it). Why Sam or any other woman would ever believe ISIS might be an interesting place for them is beyond my comprehension.
I already am far more aware of Middle Eastern affairs than many, along with the history of the Islamic faith, the two split factions of Sunni and Shia Muslims, as well as the ISIS/ISIL agenda and radicalization processes. So all of that background information was very redundant to me. I feel that since the “War on Terror” here started, actually, that most Americans are likely to be familiar with the extreme propaganda and violence carried out by these terrorist forces.
That’s again, why I mention, that I’m simply lost when it comes to trying to understand how women believe there is anything for them to gain by going there - when their only purpose is to serve the men and to keep producing babies to “create more fighters for the cause.”
In the end, it still shocked me at just how unlikeable and selfish Sam came across. She comes across as unrepentant for her actions and the harm she’s caused others, focusing instead on her own traumatic experiences (which yes, she obviously was a victim as well, but to only see that side of it will result in her never learning from her mistakes). It’s also problematic that the book seems to promise answers to why these decisions were made, as well as how a complicated family/sister dynamic was resolved, yet… nothing.
I was eager to learn what had happened to Florian… was he really a smuggler, or a scam artist? But no further investigation is made into that matter. Even stranger, we don’t learn what ends up happening once Sam leaves with her kids while Abdelhadi (Moussa’s devoutly religious younger brother who was responsible for introducing the radical Islamic ideology to his brothers to begin with) is out.
We hear about his angry reaction at her taking the kids, all the money, possessions, etc., but we aren’t told whether he stayed behind in Syria, was captured by rebel-backed forces and extradited to the US for prosecution, whether he died taking one last stand for ISIS… just nothing.
Considering the two sisters are, for better or worse, tied to the Elhassani family, it seems strange that the author wouldn’t conclude with updates on members, especially given that they seemed eager to share their side of the story with her earlier on.
Very interesting subject matter, but it wasn’t followed up as much as it should have been, given the author’s straying from personal stories to cover statistical data on traumatic childhood experiences, ISIS indoctrination, and other areas that unfortunately didn’t help enrich the narrative. I’d recommend possibly as a quick read, but I also see there’s a 53:00 YouTube documentary on it. I’m going to try to watch that soon and hopefully, I’ll remember to post my thoughts on this review once/if I do.
P.S.: Feel free to skip the four paragraphs I wrote devoted to Jehovah’s Witnesses. I just didn’t feel it fair to present a one-sided argument to something in which the author appeared to possess incredibly limited knowledge/experience.