A Dirty Guide to a Clean Home: Housekeeping Hacks You Can't Live Without

by Melissa Dilkes Pateras

Everything you need to know about laundry, cleaning, and basic home repairs—from the TikTok star who made bluing a thing, showed you how to fold a fitted sheet, and taught you to properly use your (caulk) gun.“[Melissa Pateras] makes chores enjoyable in her bawdy debut. . . . Doing laundry has never sounded so fun.”—Publishers WeeklyMelissa Dilkes Pateras is the most competent housekeeper, DIY-project master, and home repair genius that you’ve ever fantasized about becoming. When she followed her kids on to TikTok, she discovered a community hungry for her approachable, tongue-in-cheek advice on everything from balls—dryer balls, that is—to why color-coded closets are a spiritual experience. She doesn’t expect you to know what you were never taught, and she doesn’t care about transforming your home into a minimal, beige Instagram post; she simply wants to help make your life easier.Whether you’re terrified of your laundry pile or have an inner handyperson who’s been longing for their moment, A Dirty Guide to a Clean Home is a joyful all-purpose guide to organizing, cleaning, laundry, repairs, and beyond. As Melissa says, “Your home shouldn’t be your adversary.”

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Humor, Reference, Audiobook, How To, Adult

219 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 28, 2023

Reviews

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Netgalley for the ARC!

This is the book you don’t know you need. All those things you didn’t know you needed to know and then boom you were an adult and crap you need to know them. How to properly clean, do laundry, fix things around the house. How to sanitize and stain remove in a no guilt and it’s ok you don’t know how to do it way. A funny and encouraging way to get yourself clean and organized and a must have book for those struggling to get things in order!

I found her insights and advice incredibly helpful and honestly I learned things I didn’t know I needed to know! Stain removal this hilarious person is the boss and the dammit stains are relatable. Organizing and decluttering advice, schedules to follow, lists of tools and supplies that you honestly already have so it’s going to make your life easier. I highly recommend and know I’ll be making a trip to the store to get this book when it’s out!

[Philip · Rating 5 out of 5]

Who knew I needed this book? An amazing how-to for all sorts of things beginning with laundry, and then organizing, cleaning, fixing things around your house, and even cleaning your appliances. I checked this out from my library, but will definitely be buying copies for myself, and many loved ones. Author Melissa Dilkes Pateras - the Laundry Lesbian’s got you covered for making your house sparkle.

[Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it! Let's call this exactly as advertised. This was a random purchase made base on my curiosity with a little bit of need for motivation added to the mix. I got what I was looking for. A very practical book with some useful hacks. Not quite as funny as I had hoped, it contains very useful information. A lot of the "hacks" are pretty common. What I found most useful were he recipes for cleaning liquids (stain removals, toilet cleaners, scrubbing floors etc). They were smart and accessible with some actual chemistry behind the composition. A very common since guide with some useful info and some motivation to stop hording things like t-shirts from every turkey trot I've ever walked, stray cables from electronics long gone, etc I will be referring to this in the future for the recipes if nothing else. A good primer and reminder!

4 Stars

Read on kindle

[Ramón Nogueras Pérez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Un libro breve, útil y que va al turrón. Yo pensaba, ya que se hizo famosa con sus vídeos de cómo doblar ropa en TikTok, que habría más páginas sobre cómo doblar ropa, pero se dedica más al orden, la limpieza y el mantenimiento. En todo caso, está muy bien y se lee de una sentada. Es exactamente lo que promete.

[Sacha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book because a good friend has been dying to get better organized/get a better handle on cleaning, and I'm apparently the resident expert. It seemed like a good time to call in an actual expert and listen to this.

Though my incoming needs were minimal, I was pleasantly surprised with how much I learned. I will say that listening to the audio version made it a little tough to record all of the specific suggestions. As the author repeats frequently, it's apparently all in the accompanying PDF. I need to get my hands on that.

I think this book will be of interest to most folks with a variety of levels of knowledge around this subject. Additionally, I recommend getting that aforementioned PDF or a hard copy (or e-copy that can be highlighted) so as to take notes more easily.

For me, this was a surprisingly enjoyable read.

[Malika · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love how silly this was, but it also had some GREAT advice. Similar aim as How to Keep House While Drowning but this one's tone and specificity was much more my speed.

[Marjorie · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very straightforward guide to house work and home maintenance. She won't make you feel ashamed if you are struggling and she does her best to explain things clearly. I learned some stuff and I'm hoping the "keeping up is better than catching up" mentality will sink in. It did motivate me to fold a huge pile of clean sheets and blankets that was sitting at the foot of our bed for who knows how long, so that's something.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Always pleased to learn something new about keeping our house and everything in it in good shape! Now I'm going to follow her on social media!

[Choyang · Rating 4 out of 5]

'A Dirty Guide to a Clean Home' by Melissa Dilkes Pateras

Cool book! Lots of info & help for the culturally inept, or newbies, to cleaning your living space.

The only problem I had with it was that parts of it read like an ad for certain name-brand cleaning products, most of which have chemicals in them.

I would have liked more info on alternatives, like the Soap Nuts (the dried de-seeded shells of Sapindus Mukorossi), used for washing laundry.

And, I know enzymes are great at getting stains out; what I'd like to know is if there are sources for buying just the enzymes to add to the washes, because I'm trying to keep more environmentally conscious. Is this possible? Maybe that sounds odd. (idk?) Ah well, "C'est la vie!"

Anyway, 'word on the street' is that MDP has shows on TikTok, maybe also on YouTube and/or others? But I don't follow any social media, so links to all that are wasted on people like me. I like books. ;-)

Long story short: I liked this book, there was lots of useful info in it!
So maybe I'm expecting too much from someone with a bit of a different focus from mine? (which is avoiding chemicals as much as possible).

Her focus seems to be which products, or procedures, get the best results. Which is what we're all basically looking for, isn't it? Oh, and I really liked her humorous writing style!

I haven't read the whole book yet, just mostly the parts relevant to the things I'm dealing with (ie, there are no carpets here, lol), although I skimmed through the rest and will keep coming back to it; great resource guide!

I wanted to leave the review because I basically liked her book.

Cheers!

[Ramona Mead · Rating 4 out of 5]

I chose this book because I have trouble keeping my house clean. I was looking for tips and tricks and I did get some. But for the most part, this book would be better suited for younger people, especially those going out into the world on their own for the first time. I'm 45 and have owned my home for 15 years so a lot of the DIY stuff was already familiar to me.

The first part of the book is on housekeeping, then DIY, and specifically laundry. My only complaint with the advice is that it's geared towards a reader who has the emotional and physical capacity to do all these things. I suffer from depression ad nexecutive dysfunction so some days I cannot manage to get things done even when I'm behind. Some gentler advice for people who struggle with housework would have been nice.

Overall this is a well written, useful guide. I just don't think I'm it's target audience.

I received an advanced copy from NetGalley, all opinions are my own.

[Kate (kate_reads_)]

Like many people, I first came to know Melissa Dilkes Pateras from Tiktok and her laundry videos. As a relatively new homeowner, when I saw this book I thought great - this will be a good opportunity to get some other tips! However right from the introduction I realized we probably weren’t a great fit - when she led off with explaining why you need to keep everything neat and organized I realized this would be the opposite of my favorite housekeeping book (How to Keep House While Drowning). I kept reading for a while but ultimately decided this one isn’t for me and chose to DNF. Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for the free ebook.

[Kayla · Rating 3 out of 5]

An entertaining enough read, but I am not going to follow almost any of this advice.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Melissa, otherwise known on TikTok as "the laundry tok lesbian", is by far one of the most helpful TikTok creators that I follow or have seen on that platform. Her book is exactly the same, so helpful and just as enjoyable, with bits of humor along the way. In the introduction Melissa lets us know that she has ADHD and that she learned as a young child how to clean and take care of a home by learning from her Nan (Grandma). Everything is broken down and helpful chapters which are further broken down and clearly describes various different tasks and how to complete them and breaks them down efficiently. She doesn't go over the top recommending too many products and even provides some recipes for DIY cleaning products. I really enjoyed this book and will be Reading it again.

[Christie Reaume · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hear me out. I started following this tattooed lesbian from Toronto when I briefly had TikTok. I wanted to know how X-rated the algorithm could lead me so I knew what my kids, who were getting accounts, could be getting into. Melissa was folding a sweater or a sheet or a towel…I really don’t know because I was mesmerized by the underlying but not overtly sexy way this was being done. Of course, the algorithm caught this and suggested the account to me on my For You page. I, of course obliged, and started to follow the account. I’ve learned way more about laundry than I had ever imagined. Melissa wrote a book. Every new home owner should have a copy. Just sayin’!

[Cara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this for book club and I liked it but there were very few things I learned from this author that I didn't already know from reading other cleaning/organizing books. However, I loved the organization of the book. It was very easy for me to skim through and find the things that I really wanted to know. I loved that the recipes to DIY cleaning solutions are right there where she talks about them. This makes a great reference book to keep on hand. I also loved that the personality of the author really shines through. It made it easy to read and "fun" and not boring.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I mean, this is exactly what it says it is and if you follow Melissa on TikTok, you’ll probably want to check it out bc she’s awesome. There was a lot of good stuff in here. A few things I wish she went deeper into (since she’s writing to people who may not know a lot about these topics), but I get that unless you want a 500 page book, everything can’t be in depth. She at least helps you figure out enough to look up how to do it on YouTube 😅

[heathersbookaddiction · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Dirty Guide To A Clean Home by Melissa Dilkes Pateras aka Laundry Lesbian

This book is jammed packed with everything you need to know to keep your home clean/organized/tidied/minor repairs.

If you have Tik Tok you may have come across the Laundry Lesbian and her love for “caulk”

I learnt a few things I may have to just try!

[Alix T · Rating 5 out of 5]

Somewhere closer to your late 30's one might discover that discussing household routines is as emotionally charged as politics and religion. Household routines are such a heavy topic! I feel like everyone needs to find a book/approach that feels good to them. If the book also matches the type of brain wiring even better.

Disclaimer for all who are drowning/overwhelmed:
Ok, so if you woke up super low energy and just can't, and rather than washing dishes you need paper plates right now. This book is not for you. Go read or better listen to the autobiographical KC Davis story on How to Keep House While Drowning. She will offer a warm hug and say that sticky floors are ok. Once you get out of this dark place thou...

And realize you genuinely want to keep a cleaner, more organized space and need help with consistency and without moralizing ... A Dirty Guide to a Clean Home provides the structure or validation you’re looking for. "Quoting Melissa : Cleaning is just cleaning. It is not a moral indication of your worth as a person, and it is not actually you can fail at."

This is 10% philosophy 90% how-to book. If you live in North America get this book, bookmarks, and highlighter. This book teaches skills and is a "cookbook" that is about methodology on how to keep your house efficient. There are charts, bullet points, and illustrations. It is funny. You can't possibly read it in one sitting. Give it attention and you will not waste time on google search curating anymore.
The amount of cleaning and organizing books, YouTube, TikTok content is overwhelming. Finding "how to" might take longer than the actual task.
I hope this book will be so popular it will be made into a beautiful coffee table book with tabs and color coding.

[Sam · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book wasn't for me. I thought it was a book that gave you tip and tricks on how to make cleaning a bit easier to get through but really all the book is, is just telling you basic information that should be common sense on cleaning. How to organize a drawer or how to sort your clothes, how to wash them properly. The only thing I found that could actually be useful is how to patch a hole in your wall (which I already know how to do).

It says at the beginning of the book it was for people that didn't have people in thier lives to tell them this basic information so like I said it wasn't for me. I didn't think it was a bad book I just couldn't use any of it personally.

[Helliva Keister · Rating 3 out of 5]

Um... It's ok, I guess. Some good basic information and DIY cleaning formulas, but the author assumes A LOT about the appliances people have and their physical abilities (ie. not disabled or neurodivergent). Maybe get this for someone who's recently moved out on their own? I won't likely recommend this book, and I'm probably not going to read it again. The information contained is widely available online, and there's a lot of repetitiveness to the instructions, which I wouldn't necessarily call "hacks". It's just a lot of a very basic how-to keep your stuff clean without the how to schedule it into your day or create little routines to remember everything you need.

[Kerri · Rating 5 out of 5]

A witty, informative, helpful, well-written and organized guide to cleaning your home with tips, tricks and Melissa's witty humour all perfectly intertwined. This book helps you feel confident about cleaning and provides excellent tips including using simple products for various different things. Melissa's insightful advice was incredibly helpful in teaching to properly clean, do laundry and fix things around the house. This book has a permanent place on my bookshelf!

[Laurel Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

Between 3 and 4 stars. Full of dirty jokes and tips for cleaning/maintaining/repairing. Enjoyed the practical tips and irreverent sense of humor.

I felt like I learned a lot from this book but it also made me feel overwhelmed (there's no way I could do a load of laundry every day - I definitely prefer to batch my tasks).

A lot of things to think about, but I'm glad we have a shared hatred of fabric softener. 😂

[Kate TerHaar · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was familiar with Melissa Pateras as I follow her on TikTok. This book give excellent information on how to clean, iron, maintain and even fold a fitted sheet. Simple, easy to follow directions with illustrations guide us through the process of maintaining and keeping our cleaning equipment in top condition.

[Beth Matsoukis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I dropped TikTok awhile back. I do miss the author’s TikToks. She’s funny, witty, and has vast knowledge about cleaning. The same humor in her TikToks are found in this book. I borrowed this book from my library. I guess I need to buy a copy to have on hand as a reference. There are some great step-by-step directions in this book.

[Suzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not familiar with Melissa's tik tok persona but am intrigued to check her out. I guess she makes alot of sexual innuendos as this book is full of them...if that's your thing. Comprehensive cleaning as well as appliance car.

[Elisabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful and funny tips, especially on appliance maintenance. And who knew there was so much to learn about caulk. And (dryer) balls.

If innuendo is off-putting, this probably isn’t the book for you.

[Cynthia Simpson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been watching the author’s humorous and helpful how-to videos for awhile now, so I knew this book would be a handy resource of easy-to-follow tips to better clean, repair, and organize your house.

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

My confession: I'm neat and tidy, but I'm not confident that my house is really clean. This is a great guide on how often household items should be cleaned and how to tackle tougher jobs. I'm going to buy this book.

[Jill]

I flipped through many pages of this book. It wasn’t too helpful, but I learned a couple of things. I knew a lot of what was there. A lot of it was common sense. And a lot of it was extra narrative to make it cutie and fun. I don’t need that when I’m getting down to business.