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Ariel Crashes a Train
“A gorgeously kind, wonderfully gentle, and unfailingly compassionate depiction of OCD...bursting with light.”
— Ashley Woodfolk, critically acclaimed author of NOTHING BURNS AS BRIGHT AS YOU
Exploring the harsh reality of OCD and violent intrusive thoughts in stunning, lyrical writing, this novel-in-verse conjures a haunting yet hopeful portrait of a girl on the edge. From the author of Dear Medusa , which New York Times bestselling author Samira Ahmed called “a fierce and brightly burning feminist roar.”
Ariel is afraid of her own mind. She already feels like she is too big, too queer, too rough to live up to her parents' exacting expectations, or to fit into what the world expects of a “good girl.” And as violent fantasies she can’t control take over every aspect of her life, she is convinced something much deeper is wrong with her. Ever since her older sister escaped to college, Ariel isn't sure if her careful rituals and practiced distance will be enough to keep those around her safe anymore.
Then a summer job at a carnival brings new friends into Ariel’s fractured world , and she finds herself questioning her desire to keep everyone out—of her head and her heart. But if they knew what she was really thinking, they would run in the other direction—right? Instead, with help and support, Ariel discovers a future where she can be at home in her mind and body, and for the first time learns there’s a name for what she struggles with—Obsessive Compulsive Disorder—and that she’s not broken, and not alone.
— Ashley Woodfolk, critically acclaimed author of NOTHING BURNS AS BRIGHT AS YOU
Exploring the harsh reality of OCD and violent intrusive thoughts in stunning, lyrical writing, this novel-in-verse conjures a haunting yet hopeful portrait of a girl on the edge. From the author of Dear Medusa , which New York Times bestselling author Samira Ahmed called “a fierce and brightly burning feminist roar.”
Ariel is afraid of her own mind. She already feels like she is too big, too queer, too rough to live up to her parents' exacting expectations, or to fit into what the world expects of a “good girl.” And as violent fantasies she can’t control take over every aspect of her life, she is convinced something much deeper is wrong with her. Ever since her older sister escaped to college, Ariel isn't sure if her careful rituals and practiced distance will be enough to keep those around her safe anymore.
Then a summer job at a carnival brings new friends into Ariel’s fractured world , and she finds herself questioning her desire to keep everyone out—of her head and her heart. But if they knew what she was really thinking, they would run in the other direction—right? Instead, with help and support, Ariel discovers a future where she can be at home in her mind and body, and for the first time learns there’s a name for what she struggles with—Obsessive Compulsive Disorder—and that she’s not broken, and not alone.
464 pages, Hardcover
First published March 12, 2024
38 people are currently reading
1318 people want to read
About the author
Olivia A. Cole
16 books446 followersOlivia Cole is an author and blogger from Louisville, Kentucky. She spent eight years in Chicago and two in South Florida before finding her way back home. She is the author of PANTHER IN THE HIVE and its sequel, THE ROOSTER’S GARDEN, as well as her latest young adult series, A CONSPIRACY OF STARS and its sequel AN ANATOMY OF BEASTS. She is on the Creative Writing faculty at the Kentucky Governor’s School for the Arts and is the founder of the sci-fi art show for young Kentucky women, KINDRED: MAKING SPACE IN SPACE.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 169 reviews
November 19, 2023
D*mn. It must be exhausting to be in Ariel’s head. Having violent intrusive thoughts, she kills her Dad with knives, pushes an older woman under a bus, and throws hot chocolade over her best friend. So yeah, Ariel Crashes a Train.
This YA novel in verse tells the story of girl living on the edge. Ariel feels like she is too big, too queer, too rough to live up to her parents expectations and is terrified she can’t control her mind anymore with her careful rituals. What Ariel doesn’t know is that she has OCD.
Oppresive. Frightening. Emotional. All words to describe this book. But fortunately also hopeful in the end. I love books in verse and this one is no exception. My heart broke in a thousand pieces and I wanted to yell at Ariel’s parents and hug Ariel and tell her she a would be alright. Slowly, my heart got mended together. The cracks will probably be visible for a while because this read was hard and probably not for everyone. So please read the trigger warnings if you’re thinking of picking this one up!
Thank you, Random House Children’s and NetGalley, for the ARC!
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This YA novel in verse tells the story of girl living on the edge. Ariel feels like she is too big, too queer, too rough to live up to her parents expectations and is terrified she can’t control her mind anymore with her careful rituals. What Ariel doesn’t know is that she has OCD.
Oppresive. Frightening. Emotional. All words to describe this book. But fortunately also hopeful in the end. I love books in verse and this one is no exception. My heart broke in a thousand pieces and I wanted to yell at Ariel’s parents and hug Ariel and tell her she a would be alright. Slowly, my heart got mended together. The cracks will probably be visible for a while because this read was hard and probably not for everyone. So please read the trigger warnings if you’re thinking of picking this one up!
Thank you, Random House Children’s and NetGalley, for the ARC!
Follow me on Instagram
June 9, 2024
I think a novel told in verse can be a powerful thing and can really elevate a book that deals with heavy subject matters. But in order for it to be successful, I need to be able to feel the impact of each word.
Ariel Crashes a Train tells the story of a teenager with undiagnosed OCD. I came in with high expectations given that I love both novels-in-verse and books centered on mental health. However, I felt that here the format did a disservice to the subject. Many times it didn’t feel like I was reading poetic entries, but rather clunky sentences that lacked emotion. More than once the structure switched to paragraphs and there were more times this read like a transcript than verses of poems.
It was sad to see Ariel constantly struggle with the obsessive harmful thoughts. Her aloof parents offered no help, but she had an amazing older sister, Mandy, who always stood by and helped her. She meets Rex and Ruth during her summer job, and though both young, they exhibit so much understanding and acceptance that Ariel was missing from her parents and others.
I enjoyed seeing the growth in Ariel after she learns she is not soon to be serial killer (her thoughts), but rather a teen dealing with OCD. I loved seeing her sister and friends (and even her boss) join together to help her. I just wish the format had been different as I didn’t feel any of the emotions I am sure Ariel felt. It ended up reading like a novel stripped of feelings rather than one infused with them as novels told-in-verse tend to be.
I received an advanced copy through Netgalley in return for an honest review.
Ariel Crashes a Train tells the story of a teenager with undiagnosed OCD. I came in with high expectations given that I love both novels-in-verse and books centered on mental health. However, I felt that here the format did a disservice to the subject. Many times it didn’t feel like I was reading poetic entries, but rather clunky sentences that lacked emotion. More than once the structure switched to paragraphs and there were more times this read like a transcript than verses of poems.
It was sad to see Ariel constantly struggle with the obsessive harmful thoughts. Her aloof parents offered no help, but she had an amazing older sister, Mandy, who always stood by and helped her. She meets Rex and Ruth during her summer job, and though both young, they exhibit so much understanding and acceptance that Ariel was missing from her parents and others.
I enjoyed seeing the growth in Ariel after she learns she is not soon to be serial killer (her thoughts), but rather a teen dealing with OCD. I loved seeing her sister and friends (and even her boss) join together to help her. I just wish the format had been different as I didn’t feel any of the emotions I am sure Ariel felt. It ended up reading like a novel stripped of feelings rather than one infused with them as novels told-in-verse tend to be.
I received an advanced copy through Netgalley in return for an honest review.
March 14, 2024
Wow. I'd like to throw this book at all the people who have a serious misunderstanding of what intrusive thoughts actually are. They aren't choosing not to clean or eating dessert, they are genuine unwanted, usually terrifying, thoughts.
My favorite quotes:
"Car or carnival sometimes it feels like everyone around me knows something I don’t—that there was a blueprint of their identity they received at birth, and build the architecture of their life brick by solid brick while I am using Legos."
" “How do you know you’re a girl?”Sometimes my brain spits out questions like the launcher at a batting cage."
"And therefore manhood is the black box with the flaming red eyes PROTEIN TO GET PUMPED Is this where we find gender—in the boxes we buy? What happens if I buy the black box What happens if I don’t buy either What happens when womanhood is on sale $ 2 off when you buy 3 Can I buy womanhood in bulk Can I be better at this girl thing if I sign up for a Target credit card?"
"I told Rex and Ruth I am afraid of hurting the people I love but also I am afraid of the people I love hurting me, and me not loving myself enough to stop them."
I'm not sure I have really analyzed my thoughts too hard about this one besides relating heavily to the gender aspect. I really appreciate the way this book tackles all sorts of things but it's biggest strength is discussing what happens when you're intrusive thoughts are manipulated and multiplied by also having OCD. Intrusive thoughts are a symptom of OCD and can also exist on their own but they are much more extreme when happening in conjunction with another mental illness.
This is not an easy book to read. The intrusive thoughts are violence and bloody and in addition there's also unsupportive parents and more things happening beyond just the characters OCD. It's really clear to me that this was written from an own voices POV and it's one that I will recommend with the caveat that you look at the content warnings before starting.
4.5
My favorite quotes:
"Car or carnival sometimes it feels like everyone around me knows something I don’t—that there was a blueprint of their identity they received at birth, and build the architecture of their life brick by solid brick while I am using Legos."
" “How do you know you’re a girl?”Sometimes my brain spits out questions like the launcher at a batting cage."
"And therefore manhood is the black box with the flaming red eyes PROTEIN TO GET PUMPED Is this where we find gender—in the boxes we buy? What happens if I buy the black box What happens if I don’t buy either What happens when womanhood is on sale $ 2 off when you buy 3 Can I buy womanhood in bulk Can I be better at this girl thing if I sign up for a Target credit card?"
"I told Rex and Ruth I am afraid of hurting the people I love but also I am afraid of the people I love hurting me, and me not loving myself enough to stop them."
I'm not sure I have really analyzed my thoughts too hard about this one besides relating heavily to the gender aspect. I really appreciate the way this book tackles all sorts of things but it's biggest strength is discussing what happens when you're intrusive thoughts are manipulated and multiplied by also having OCD. Intrusive thoughts are a symptom of OCD and can also exist on their own but they are much more extreme when happening in conjunction with another mental illness.
This is not an easy book to read. The intrusive thoughts are violence and bloody and in addition there's also unsupportive parents and more things happening beyond just the characters OCD. It's really clear to me that this was written from an own voices POV and it's one that I will recommend with the caveat that you look at the content warnings before starting.
4.5
March 4, 2024
Ariel’s life is determined by rules. Sure, there are the infuriating societal rules about what, exactly, it means to be a girl that she, a tall young woman who wears size 12 sneakers, isn’t really sure she wants to follow. But there are also the rules she’s made for herself to protect everyone she knows from harm.
Because Ariel believes she’s a monster. Her mind is constantly filled with horrifying thoughts: What if she grabs the knives from the kitchen and kills her parents? What if she pushes an old lady in front of an oncoming bus? What if she lets the train ride at the summer carnival where she works fly off the tracks, killing all the children onboard?
When she’s not Googling serial killers to make sure she’s not like them, she’s walking six miles to work because she can’t drive or take the bus. She’s walking 64 laps around her room to quiet the “crocodile” in her mind (an apt metaphor) and keep her father safe. She’s counting, praying, and reciting mantras to avoid asking her sister and her best friend for reassurance: hasn’t she burdened them enough?
When Ariel’s sister learns about OCD and intrusive thoughts, she urges Ariel to seek help, but their religious father refuses to send her to therapy, believing prayer is sufficient. Her sister and friends, however, refuse to give up on her, and they patiently show her that, just maybe, she’s not the monster she fears herself to be.
I am beyond thrilled that this book exists. Cole is a talented writer (we loved Dear Medusa), and her gorgeous novel-in-verse perfectly captures the experience of struggling with OCD, particularly Harm OCD, an often overlooked subtype. She captures the terror, the irrationality, the doubt and uncertainty, the self-reinforcing cycle, and the immense burden of shame and isolation, but she also accurately explains the language of recovery, particularly exposure therapy, that powerfully changes the lives of those who struggle. Her exploration of religion and gender identity add additional layers to the portrayal.
OCD frequently goes undiagnosed for years, especially when it doesn’t manifest in the stereotypical contamination and organizing subtypes. This is a book that I needed to read when I was younger, and I hope it helps other young men and women know that they are not monsters, they are not alone, and they are not without hope.
The novel does include profanity, as you’re considering its appropriateness for your own classroom.
Thank you NetGalley and Sharon Robertson for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are our own.
Review will be posted at https://threeheads.works/category/blo... on 4/22.
Because Ariel believes she’s a monster. Her mind is constantly filled with horrifying thoughts: What if she grabs the knives from the kitchen and kills her parents? What if she pushes an old lady in front of an oncoming bus? What if she lets the train ride at the summer carnival where she works fly off the tracks, killing all the children onboard?
When she’s not Googling serial killers to make sure she’s not like them, she’s walking six miles to work because she can’t drive or take the bus. She’s walking 64 laps around her room to quiet the “crocodile” in her mind (an apt metaphor) and keep her father safe. She’s counting, praying, and reciting mantras to avoid asking her sister and her best friend for reassurance: hasn’t she burdened them enough?
When Ariel’s sister learns about OCD and intrusive thoughts, she urges Ariel to seek help, but their religious father refuses to send her to therapy, believing prayer is sufficient. Her sister and friends, however, refuse to give up on her, and they patiently show her that, just maybe, she’s not the monster she fears herself to be.
I am beyond thrilled that this book exists. Cole is a talented writer (we loved Dear Medusa), and her gorgeous novel-in-verse perfectly captures the experience of struggling with OCD, particularly Harm OCD, an often overlooked subtype. She captures the terror, the irrationality, the doubt and uncertainty, the self-reinforcing cycle, and the immense burden of shame and isolation, but she also accurately explains the language of recovery, particularly exposure therapy, that powerfully changes the lives of those who struggle. Her exploration of religion and gender identity add additional layers to the portrayal.
OCD frequently goes undiagnosed for years, especially when it doesn’t manifest in the stereotypical contamination and organizing subtypes. This is a book that I needed to read when I was younger, and I hope it helps other young men and women know that they are not monsters, they are not alone, and they are not without hope.
The novel does include profanity, as you’re considering its appropriateness for your own classroom.
Thank you NetGalley and Sharon Robertson for sending this book for review consideration. All opinions are our own.
Review will be posted at https://threeheads.works/category/blo... on 4/22.
September 10, 2024
A moving and emotionally raw YA novel in verse told from the POV of a queer teen with OCD. This book has excellent insights into OCD and Ariel's experience with negative and intrusive self-thoughts. Definitely a must read for anyone wanting to learn more about the OCD experience or for young readers who themselves have an OCD diagnosis! Especially great on audio too!
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June 2, 2024This book would get infinity of stars, but it is the type of book that is so close to me for many reasons... Quite similar reasons, although they form and manifest themselves differently - I don't rate it... Plus it is so close to me that I wouldn't be able to. ..But it's about her supports...
Please, don't say anything to me....Please...
I have no words on how this book rubs in and disarms certain things into pieces....
Olivia A. Cole does not disappoint and delivers... I would even say that this is my latest discovery and the way and with what intentions, articulating certain spheres, she recreates them into a completely endless mind map... it disarms me
Olivia again demolished and in other fields influenced many levels and outlines, this time not entirely about experiences.... Although primarily, but more in a different form and more pressing on the background of thought in general and painting itself and giving itself into my main thing....I have no questions...
review will be coming soon, because this book is ....MOSTLY DESTROYED ME.... OLIVIA...HOW?!
I'm in shambles and pieces....
Please, don't say anything to me....Please...
I have no words on how this book rubs in and disarms certain things into pieces....
Olivia A. Cole does not disappoint and delivers... I would even say that this is my latest discovery and the way and with what intentions, articulating certain spheres, she recreates them into a completely endless mind map... it disarms me
Olivia again demolished and in other fields influenced many levels and outlines, this time not entirely about experiences.... Although primarily, but more in a different form and more pressing on the background of thought in general and painting itself and giving itself into my main thing....I have no questions...
review will be coming soon, because this book is ....MOSTLY DESTROYED ME.... OLIVIA...HOW?!
I'm in shambles and pieces....
April 21, 2024
Some books are difficult on purpose. Ariel Crashes a Train is one of them. Ariel is coping with undiagnosed OCD, which manifests in intrusive violent thoughts, and she's terrified that that means that she's a serial killer in the making. In any situation, her brain leaps to the worst conclusion or begins telling her to consider what would happen if she killed someone. None of that means that she actually wants to kills someone, but because she's never been diagnosed, or even told anyone about the intrusive thoughts, she believes that one day she will be unable to resist her mind's suggestions - or that maybe she already has and just doesn't remember it.
The writing is claustrophobic, again on purpose. Ariel is a prisoner of her mind, and even when she's talking with friends or at work, she can't escape herself. There's an attempt to also link her conflicted feelings about being a tall girl and a lesbian to her other mental struggles, and it more or less works, but I don't love the association this creates. It makes sense, yes - all three are things that set her apart from "normal." It's just more uncomfortable for a teen audience, no matter how true to life it may be.
Still, this is a remarkably strong novel in verse. Cole plays with formatting in ways that enhance Ariel's struggles, and she's a sympathetic character even if you can't relate to what she's going through. It's not an easy read, but one that's still easy to recommend.
The writing is claustrophobic, again on purpose. Ariel is a prisoner of her mind, and even when she's talking with friends or at work, she can't escape herself. There's an attempt to also link her conflicted feelings about being a tall girl and a lesbian to her other mental struggles, and it more or less works, but I don't love the association this creates. It makes sense, yes - all three are things that set her apart from "normal." It's just more uncomfortable for a teen audience, no matter how true to life it may be.
Still, this is a remarkably strong novel in verse. Cole plays with formatting in ways that enhance Ariel's struggles, and she's a sympathetic character even if you can't relate to what she's going through. It's not an easy read, but one that's still easy to recommend.
April 23, 2024
✨Ariel Crashes a Train by Olivia A Cole✨
This book was HEAVY. But I’ve said it a ton of times at this point, I love a novel in verse.
I’m not very familiar with OCD, and being in the main character Ariel’s head throughout the novel was tough. Sometimes listening to the audiobook I was like wait, DID she just do that? But then you realize it was her intrusive thoughts, and she’s struggling constantly with being afraid that she is eventually going to act on those thoughts and hurt someone she loves.
I thought that the author did a fantastic job of really making a visual of Ariel’s OCD, addressing it as a crocodile, giving it emotions and showing its growth overtime and how it’s impacted her.
This YA novel in verse tackles a LOT of topics, the main ones being mental health and gender identity.
If you read a lot of novels in verse, you know they tend to be on the heavier side, but they do so with powerful language, poetry and storytelling.
I don’t know that this lives up to Elizabeth Acevedo for me, but the author does a wonderful job narrating the audiobook.
Overall, a powerful story, and a recommend if you like novels in verse.
Content Warnings: Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, Homophobia/Transphobia
This book was HEAVY. But I’ve said it a ton of times at this point, I love a novel in verse.
I’m not very familiar with OCD, and being in the main character Ariel’s head throughout the novel was tough. Sometimes listening to the audiobook I was like wait, DID she just do that? But then you realize it was her intrusive thoughts, and she’s struggling constantly with being afraid that she is eventually going to act on those thoughts and hurt someone she loves.
I thought that the author did a fantastic job of really making a visual of Ariel’s OCD, addressing it as a crocodile, giving it emotions and showing its growth overtime and how it’s impacted her.
This YA novel in verse tackles a LOT of topics, the main ones being mental health and gender identity.
If you read a lot of novels in verse, you know they tend to be on the heavier side, but they do so with powerful language, poetry and storytelling.
I don’t know that this lives up to Elizabeth Acevedo for me, but the author does a wonderful job narrating the audiobook.
Overall, a powerful story, and a recommend if you like novels in verse.
Content Warnings: Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, Homophobia/Transphobia
April 12, 2024
i liked this so much more than i was expecting! this was one of the most honest depictions of OCD i've ever read; i want to give this book to everyone who makes jokes about OCD when a painting is crooked or their socks don't match. loved reading ariel's journey to asking for help, trusting herself, and learning that she is a good person. thoughts are just thoughts!! i saw myself in her and loved her for all the things i don't like about myself. made me want to be a little kinder to me!
also, i usually find verse novels fall a little flat for me craft wise, but i thought the writing here was really good!
also, i usually find verse novels fall a little flat for me craft wise, but i thought the writing here was really good!
January 29, 2024
“It definitely matters. We don’t just live in the world. We have to live inside our heads too.”
🐊
Ariel is afraid of what she might do. She doesn’t fit into the cookie cutter mold of society. She’s too big, too queer, constantly confused for a man, can’t live up to her parents’ expectations for her and her best friend just told her she’s going to DC for the summer instead of working at the local carnival like they always do. Ariel is now well and truly alone. Just her and the crocodile that lives in her mind, telling her she’s a danger to others and will harm them. When she meets coworkers Rex and Ruth, they help her when her sister at college is able to diagnose Ariel with OCD. Even with a diagnosis, Ariel still struggles to believe she won’t hurt other people.
🐊
Wow. This was such a unique YA novel in verse. If you haven’t read Dear Medusa yet, pick it up immediately, as it was one of my favorite YA books ever. This one addresses the topic of OCD in a way I’ve yet to see portrayed in novels before. It also tackles the patriarchy and what gender really is in a wholly original way too. This title would be amazing to study in high school, as students would have such interesting perspectives on it. This title is out March 12.
CW: suicide, suicide ideation, blood, intrusive thoughts of murder/harm, OCD, depression, police brutality, murder, gun use, racism, transphobia
A bit too long/repetitive to the point where it felt like the author was trying to hit us over the head with it.
🐊
Ariel is afraid of what she might do. She doesn’t fit into the cookie cutter mold of society. She’s too big, too queer, constantly confused for a man, can’t live up to her parents’ expectations for her and her best friend just told her she’s going to DC for the summer instead of working at the local carnival like they always do. Ariel is now well and truly alone. Just her and the crocodile that lives in her mind, telling her she’s a danger to others and will harm them. When she meets coworkers Rex and Ruth, they help her when her sister at college is able to diagnose Ariel with OCD. Even with a diagnosis, Ariel still struggles to believe she won’t hurt other people.
🐊
Wow. This was such a unique YA novel in verse. If you haven’t read Dear Medusa yet, pick it up immediately, as it was one of my favorite YA books ever. This one addresses the topic of OCD in a way I’ve yet to see portrayed in novels before. It also tackles the patriarchy and what gender really is in a wholly original way too. This title would be amazing to study in high school, as students would have such interesting perspectives on it. This title is out March 12.
CW: suicide, suicide ideation, blood, intrusive thoughts of murder/harm, OCD, depression, police brutality, murder, gun use, racism, transphobia
A bit too long/repetitive to the point where it felt like the author was trying to hit us over the head with it.
July 9, 2024
✩┄•͙✧⃝•͙┄review✩•͙͙✧⃝•͙✩
A relevant and beautiful tale of hurting people healing together. Olivia A. Cole's poetry is visceral in its emotion and powerful in its impact. I cannot wait to read whatever else she puts out.
✩┄•͙✧⃝•͙┄quotes✩•͙͙✧⃝•͙✩
I RUN AWAY FROM MYSELF.
I am so tired of being in this body.
I am so tired of being in this brain.
Three miles away, Wildwood
rotates to music I know by heart
and in the center of the tune
is the rhythm of all my doubts:
what did I do what did I do what did I do
________________________
"For her the earth is shaking
Big Bang
When I'm with her it feels like the bones
of dinosaurs could push up through the earth's crust,
magnetize together, and walk the streets.
This is how the world goes backwards:
hair growing where hair grows
and my mother
razor, comet
She calls it clean
but from where I stand watching
it looks like scorched earth."
__________________________
"How can a lava pit be in love, how can anyone love a chasm?
Loving me would be diving deep into ink water.
I don't want anyone to drown in me.
I don't want anyone to drown in me."
___________________________
"Do you remember being happy? Ruth says when I'm beside them,
when the tops of our heads make three sides of a triangle.
Before you knew the earth was dying under our feet?
Before you knew there were things scarier than witches and monsters?
I remember, says Rex. I remember running barefoot and never
stepping on glass."
A relevant and beautiful tale of hurting people healing together. Olivia A. Cole's poetry is visceral in its emotion and powerful in its impact. I cannot wait to read whatever else she puts out.
✩┄•͙✧⃝•͙┄quotes✩•͙͙✧⃝•͙✩
I RUN AWAY FROM MYSELF.
I am so tired of being in this body.
I am so tired of being in this brain.
Three miles away, Wildwood
rotates to music I know by heart
and in the center of the tune
is the rhythm of all my doubts:
what did I do what did I do what did I do
________________________
"For her the earth is shaking
Big Bang
When I'm with her it feels like the bones
of dinosaurs could push up through the earth's crust,
magnetize together, and walk the streets.
This is how the world goes backwards:
hair growing where hair grows
and my mother
razor, comet
She calls it clean
but from where I stand watching
it looks like scorched earth."
__________________________
"How can a lava pit be in love, how can anyone love a chasm?
Loving me would be diving deep into ink water.
I don't want anyone to drown in me.
I don't want anyone to drown in me."
___________________________
"Do you remember being happy? Ruth says when I'm beside them,
when the tops of our heads make three sides of a triangle.
Before you knew the earth was dying under our feet?
Before you knew there were things scarier than witches and monsters?
I remember, says Rex. I remember running barefoot and never
stepping on glass."
April 11, 2024
This was difficult for me to read with my anxiety. It was very good and informative, but the intrusive thoughts were stressful for me. Additionally, I think this book was maybe 50 pages too long and it got repetitive after a while. I realize OCD is about rituals and repetition, but there were multiple poems about the train, multiple poems about Felicia (which didn't feel like it was necessary. It was just an unnecessary addition). The religious aspects could have been better explored. The last 50-60 pages use the phrase "sticky" and "electric meat" A LOT. I think there were some good conversations about therapy, gender, feminism, and police brutality in this book, though. Good, just too long.
3.75/5 stars
3.75/5 stars
May 1, 2024
(Disclaimer: I received this book from the publisher. This has not impacted my review which is unbiased and honest.)
Ariel Crashes a Train is a fabulous story in verse about feeling like our mind is rebelling against us, that we are too much. Full of intrusive thoughts, Ariel has to figure out how to make friends, how much of herself to share, and feeling like a burden. Can she really make new friends if so much of herself is hidden? An inner narrative and pieces of herself buried.
Ariel Crashes a Train is a fabulous story in verse about feeling like our mind is rebelling against us, that we are too much. Full of intrusive thoughts, Ariel has to figure out how to make friends, how much of herself to share, and feeling like a burden. Can she really make new friends if so much of herself is hidden? An inner narrative and pieces of herself buried.
June 22, 2024
Loved the way it was written, but v triggering.
May 29, 2024
This resonated so much for me. I think this was such an honest exploration of OCD and I'm grateful for the resources provided at the end of the book.
May 26, 2024
Jesus Christ that was beautiful. I may cry.
May 30, 2025
I never thought of the crocodile as ridiculous.
There are so many quotes I highlighted in this book that I could lead this review with, but ultimately I chose the one that hit me the hardest. Cole brings us so deep into Ariel's consciousness that it is easy even for us to forget what she tells herself vs what is true. As poignant and specific OCD representation as this novel is, its portrayal of intrusive thoughts, self-doubt, insecurity, uncertainty, queerness, gender, and adolescence can translate to many different experiences, I think. At least, it translated to mine. To think of my anxious self-questioning as ridiculous is unthinkable; to recognize that my thoughts (even what I think I know to be true) do not equal fact never occurred to me before.
Many of the writerly choices Cole made resonated with me. The choice to italicize dialogue, leaving the crocodile's thoughts the most prominent, gives the impression that other people's words come from some unreachable place, like they're more a thought than reality. (Because her thoughts are reality.) The bigness, and eventual-sometimes smallness, of the crocodile's words almost takes over the page. Although most of the chapters primarily advance the plot, a few could be their own, stand-alone poems. The book is chock-full of "show don't tell"s and "less is more"s. For an on-the-nose example:
Or this one, which is not as brief but resonates nonetheless:
In all, I knew I would like this book. A novel in verse, adolescent lit, a queer protagonist, exploring mental health? It couldn't have checked more of my boxes. I was prepared for solid, even excellent, representation, maybe a bit of relatability, definitely some intensity. I wasn't prepared for just how seen I felt, nor just how deep the impact would be. This book will sit with me for a long time, and it will sit on the shelves of my English classroom next year.
There are so many quotes I highlighted in this book that I could lead this review with, but ultimately I chose the one that hit me the hardest. Cole brings us so deep into Ariel's consciousness that it is easy even for us to forget what she tells herself vs what is true. As poignant and specific OCD representation as this novel is, its portrayal of intrusive thoughts, self-doubt, insecurity, uncertainty, queerness, gender, and adolescence can translate to many different experiences, I think. At least, it translated to mine. To think of my anxious self-questioning as ridiculous is unthinkable; to recognize that my thoughts (even what I think I know to be true) do not equal fact never occurred to me before.
Many of the writerly choices Cole made resonated with me. The choice to italicize dialogue, leaving the crocodile's thoughts the most prominent, gives the impression that other people's words come from some unreachable place, like they're more a thought than reality. (Because her thoughts are reality.) The bigness, and eventual-sometimes smallness, of the crocodile's words almost takes over the page. Although most of the chapters primarily advance the plot, a few could be their own, stand-alone poems. The book is chock-full of "show don't tell"s and "less is more"s. For an on-the-nose example:
Shorter is safer
The less I say, the less I say.
Or this one, which is not as brief but resonates nonetheless:
I’m not a movie star
I’m not on-screen
I don’t want anyone
to look at me
so why do I have to follow a script
my life is not meant to fit on the stage
and anyway the costume
I choose will need
to be custom-made
because jeans
off the rack will never
fit
God I’m sick of stage directions
I’m an artist, not an actor
No wonder
I’m so fucking
tired.
In all, I knew I would like this book. A novel in verse, adolescent lit, a queer protagonist, exploring mental health? It couldn't have checked more of my boxes. I was prepared for solid, even excellent, representation, maybe a bit of relatability, definitely some intensity. I wasn't prepared for just how seen I felt, nor just how deep the impact would be. This book will sit with me for a long time, and it will sit on the shelves of my English classroom next year.
March 18, 2024
Ariel Crashes a Train was my second Olivia A. Cole novel, I enjoyed both. (And in case you’re not into this style, both are written in verse.) Ariel Burns is a troubled adolescent. They struggles with their identity. Ariel is pretty sure they are gay, but is less sure about their gender. Ariel is a larger human; not necessarily described as fat, but tall and broad. It seems those around Ariel aren’t sure if they’re male or female, and that leads Ariel to question themself.
Ariel is plagued by intrusive thoughts, but they don’t know that’s what they are. All day, every day, Ariel thinks about hurting or killing the people around them. Ariel is absolutely terrified they’ll hurt someone, and it makes their world smaller and smaller. Their sister seems to get it and wants to help, but Ariel’s parents deny the problems, belittle them, or tell them that prayer can solve everything. It’s sad and painful reading.
And, there are such good descriptions. Some of the writing is so good. Some of it is harder to follow, maybe a little confusing. Ariel’s mental health diagnosis seems to come out of nowhere halfway through the book, with a bunch of new symptoms presenting themselves to align with the diagnosis. I didn’t think that worked/flowed well. Overall, I liked this book and would recommend it. 3.5 stars rounded up.
Favorite quotes:
“I realized that some people lifted weights to feel strong and some lifted weights to feel powerful which is sometimes the same thing and sometimes isn’t.
there’s no such thing as a diet that’s not actually disordered eating in disguise.
What are you looking for? What are you hoping to get out of this?
Hidden, I don’t answer, but the boys do:
Boy 1, bird-bodied: muscles
Boy 2, sparrow-boned: I want to be as strong as my brother
Boy 3, large and soft: I’m tired of being fat. I just want a good body. This feels like prison.
Cipinko tells them all the same thing: Bodies are not bad or good, the only thing they are is ours. We can’t be trapped in what is ours.
Kids are brutal, I say. I know that firsthand. I’ll never know why. A lot of kids’ first bullies were their parents, she says.”
Ariel is plagued by intrusive thoughts, but they don’t know that’s what they are. All day, every day, Ariel thinks about hurting or killing the people around them. Ariel is absolutely terrified they’ll hurt someone, and it makes their world smaller and smaller. Their sister seems to get it and wants to help, but Ariel’s parents deny the problems, belittle them, or tell them that prayer can solve everything. It’s sad and painful reading.
And, there are such good descriptions. Some of the writing is so good. Some of it is harder to follow, maybe a little confusing. Ariel’s mental health diagnosis seems to come out of nowhere halfway through the book, with a bunch of new symptoms presenting themselves to align with the diagnosis. I didn’t think that worked/flowed well. Overall, I liked this book and would recommend it. 3.5 stars rounded up.
Favorite quotes:
“I realized that some people lifted weights to feel strong and some lifted weights to feel powerful which is sometimes the same thing and sometimes isn’t.
there’s no such thing as a diet that’s not actually disordered eating in disguise.
What are you looking for? What are you hoping to get out of this?
Hidden, I don’t answer, but the boys do:
Boy 1, bird-bodied: muscles
Boy 2, sparrow-boned: I want to be as strong as my brother
Boy 3, large and soft: I’m tired of being fat. I just want a good body. This feels like prison.
Cipinko tells them all the same thing: Bodies are not bad or good, the only thing they are is ours. We can’t be trapped in what is ours.
Kids are brutal, I say. I know that firsthand. I’ll never know why. A lot of kids’ first bullies were their parents, she says.”
March 23, 2024
3.5 stars
Ariel Crashes a Train is a book, like Dear Medusa, that I think many teens are going to need. We follow Ariel as she navigates intrusive thoughts, obsessive behaviours, neglectful parents, gender identity, and the road to accepting her OCD. It’s a beautiful novel in verse and it will bring ALL the emotions. This book is about to become very important to someone struggling with OCD.
For me personally, I don’t think the format was the way to go. I think had the book been like a traditional novel maybe it would have impacted me more. While my heart broke for Ariel and I cheered her on all the way, the book ends openly. Which of course life isn’t all roses and endings can be open, but, minus Ariel accepting her OCD, we don’t get anymore answers about her parents or her sister or even her best friend. Are they friends again? What about therapy? Why is her sister in college during summer?
I think it left me with too many questions at the end to fully enjoy it, and the format- some of the verse, would take me completely out of the narrative.
That being said, Ariel’s road to accepting her OCD was beautiful to read.
*thank you to Netgalley and publisher for an advance reader copy. All thoughts and opinions are my own. *
Ariel Crashes a Train is a book, like Dear Medusa, that I think many teens are going to need. We follow Ariel as she navigates intrusive thoughts, obsessive behaviours, neglectful parents, gender identity, and the road to accepting her OCD. It’s a beautiful novel in verse and it will bring ALL the emotions. This book is about to become very important to someone struggling with OCD.
For me personally, I don’t think the format was the way to go. I think had the book been like a traditional novel maybe it would have impacted me more. While my heart broke for Ariel and I cheered her on all the way, the book ends openly. Which of course life isn’t all roses and endings can be open, but, minus Ariel accepting her OCD, we don’t get anymore answers about her parents or her sister or even her best friend. Are they friends again? What about therapy? Why is her sister in college during summer?
I think it left me with too many questions at the end to fully enjoy it, and the format- some of the verse, would take me completely out of the narrative.
That being said, Ariel’s road to accepting her OCD was beautiful to read.
*thank you to Netgalley and publisher for an advance reader copy. All thoughts and opinions are my own. *
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 7, 2023
I received an advance copy from the publisher via Netgalley for review purposes; this in no way influences my review.
As soon as I saw this book, I knew I needed to read it. Olivia A Cole has immediately put herself on my “gotta read” mental folder with “Dear Medusa” and “Ariel Crashes a Train” just solidified it. This is such an intense, emotional book, but I couldn’t put it down. Ariel’s journey is a good one and I love how things aren’t magically resolved and it really shows how hard it can be to get help if you’re in a place, with parents who refuse to see or acknowledge the pain you’re feeling. I love Mandy and Rex and Ruth, and the community and family that Ariel has with them. This really hits so many good notes of struggling and facing the insidious voice inside, and how having support can make a huge difference in how coping goes. All around I loved this book and strongly encourage people pick it up!
As soon as I saw this book, I knew I needed to read it. Olivia A Cole has immediately put herself on my “gotta read” mental folder with “Dear Medusa” and “Ariel Crashes a Train” just solidified it. This is such an intense, emotional book, but I couldn’t put it down. Ariel’s journey is a good one and I love how things aren’t magically resolved and it really shows how hard it can be to get help if you’re in a place, with parents who refuse to see or acknowledge the pain you’re feeling. I love Mandy and Rex and Ruth, and the community and family that Ariel has with them. This really hits so many good notes of struggling and facing the insidious voice inside, and how having support can make a huge difference in how coping goes. All around I loved this book and strongly encourage people pick it up!
March 16, 2025
17-year-old Ariel finds herself struggling with isolation in a small Midwestern town. Her older sister has left for college, and her best friend is away for a summer internship in DC, leaving Ariel feeling alone. Her mind becomes a maze of endless, violent "what if" scenarios that trap her in a cycle of fear and anxiety. Before she reaches a breaking point, Ariel finds solace in two new friends she meets at her summer job at the local carnival: Ruth, a Black girl, and Rex, a teenage trans man. Through their friendship, Ariel begins to navigate her mental health challenges and discover her own identity.
Fascinating first person depiction of living with Harm OCD and intrusive thoughts. A novel written in verse, it was beautiful and painful at the same time. I was impressed with the breadth of topics it was able to address - mental health, religious trauma, police violence, gender identity, feminism, & queerness. It shows how intersectional our world is and yet how strikingly singular our individual lived experience is. I’m not sure how much use it could be in a school setting, considering some of the language and mature content, however, I do think it could be valuable purely for its honest representation of OCD and how it affects Ariel’s life.
Fascinating first person depiction of living with Harm OCD and intrusive thoughts. A novel written in verse, it was beautiful and painful at the same time. I was impressed with the breadth of topics it was able to address - mental health, religious trauma, police violence, gender identity, feminism, & queerness. It shows how intersectional our world is and yet how strikingly singular our individual lived experience is. I’m not sure how much use it could be in a school setting, considering some of the language and mature content, however, I do think it could be valuable purely for its honest representation of OCD and how it affects Ariel’s life.
March 14, 2024
Books that are told in verse can be some of the most important books that can ever be told.
This follows Ariel who has OCD and Intensive Thoughts to where she has to walk in circles 64 times to help keep the crocodile at bay and make sure that everyone is safe. Even if it means hurting herself in more ways than she realizes. The more that the book goes on, the more Ariel wants to find ways to help her without going to therapy or getting help that might help. With the help of her new friends, she starts to find ways to stay under control.
I really enjoyed the writing of this and thought that it was fine. But I can tell that the author tried to really capture what it is like to be in someone's head who has OCD and intrusive thoughts.
This follows Ariel who has OCD and Intensive Thoughts to where she has to walk in circles 64 times to help keep the crocodile at bay and make sure that everyone is safe. Even if it means hurting herself in more ways than she realizes. The more that the book goes on, the more Ariel wants to find ways to help her without going to therapy or getting help that might help. With the help of her new friends, she starts to find ways to stay under control.
I really enjoyed the writing of this and thought that it was fine. But I can tell that the author tried to really capture what it is like to be in someone's head who has OCD and intrusive thoughts.
March 19, 2024
i haven’t been one to reach for novels in verse in the past but i love cole’s writing and prose so much. on top of the beautiful writing, i admire the inclusion of the topics in her works. this book focuses on a girl struggling with ocd and delves into the struggles of intrusive thoughts, mental illness, and so much more. i highly recommend this, and will definitely be looking forward to what comes next!
thanks netgalley for the arc!
thanks netgalley for the arc!
November 26, 2024
I’ve read quite a few books with characters or perspectives with OCD this year. This one was good overall, but very heavy and dark. The type of OCD Ariel is dealing with is harm OCD - and a pretty serious version of it (which can be hard to read and gory). I thought the audiobook would be the way to do this one as it’s in verse, but I’m not quite sure about the narrator. Some of the other elements (story, secondary characters, figuring out their gender identity) didn’t feel fully fleshed out to me, but I did really enjoy the sister.
December 11, 2024
Some books are meant to be difficult and heavy, and this is one of them. Ariel is a queer teen who struggles with OCD. The book is written in verse and delves deeply into the thought patterns and issues that arise with this disorder and the need for therapy and/or being able to voice the thoughts without judgement. Unfortunately, Ariel doesn't have parents who believe in the need for therapy. Luckily, she has a supportive sister and some unlikely friends who are helping her navigate. A very interesting read if you want to try to understand what OCD can look like for some who struggle with it.
March 24, 2024
This books makes me want to cry. I spent so much of my teenage years in fear and dread not knowing what any of it meant. It’s so beautiful to feel so seen, even now in my 20s. I hope that teens that are struggling may see themselves in this book. Not as monsters, just as Ariel.
August 3, 2024
Read for work's Mock Printz Committee. Kinda struggling with the rating right now because I liked it about the same as "Shut Up, This is Serious" and I'm not sure which one I would rate as better yet?? But I rated the other book a 5 so I guess this one is going to also be a 5, but now I'm thinking this is a 4.5??? I liked the subject matter of this one a lot but this had more cons than Shut Up did...so we'll see about the final ratings.
Story: Ariel is a seventeen-year-old girl who feels like she is too big, too queer, too dangerous, too much, etc. for everyone else. She struggles with intrusive thoughts and OCD, which are depicted in the form of a hungry crocodile/reptile and written in creepy font. Her older sister Mandy has gone off to college and her best friend Leah left the state for the summer, so Ariel is alone working her typical summer job at Wildwood, the summer carnival in town. At Wildwood this year she makes new friends - Ruth, a Black girl from Chicago here for the summer, and Rex, a trans boy who lives in town. Ariel experiences a breakdown and almost jumps off the edge of a bridge, but Ruth and Rex get there in time. The three friends grow closer, and Mandy explains to Ariel that she may have OCD. Ariel’s parents don’t believe in therapy (“prayer cures everything”) and are wrapped up in themselves/have a difficult relationship with her, so home life is difficult. Ruth and Rex work on exposure therapy with Ariel in helping her to face her fears and intrusive thoughts and ride the bus, watch the darts booth, and operate the Loco Loco ride that she’s terrified of. The book ends with Ariel still starting to work through fighting back against her intrusive thoughts but being able to do some things that seemed impossible and seeing her friends kiss, seeing them safe.
Voice: Ariel’s voice is pretty established from the get-go. Her thoughts are honest and brutal, raw and unfiltered, filled with fear and so many questions and blood and murder. Love that she covers a wide range of topics - gender, sex, religion, mental health, relationships (family, friends, lovers), and body image. She speaks on being a lesbian and on not being sure about her gender identity and trying to understand that in relation to how society views gender, how others perceive her, and how she views herself and her big body. Cursing is present. Appreciate how her intrusive thoughts are in a bold, creepy font while other people’s speech is in italics so we can differentiate who is speaking.
Style: I need to say that I really, really wished there was a trigger warning section at the beginning of this book. If a teen randomly picked this book up off the shelf, it could hit someone badly in a way they were not prepared for. That said, this book’s beginning sucked me in. It starts off this way: “I have to. Every time I leave the kitchen whether I’m going in or out of the house. It’s a rule written in blood. This morning, like every morning, I stare down at the collection of kitchen knives in the drawer by the stove. There are ten of them, one for each finger, short and long, serrated and not, silver silver silver I know them all well. This is the rule: in order to stop myself from driving one of them into my father’s chest I must open the drawers - the silent kind that don’t slam - and tap each blade with one finger, six times for each knife: tap tap tap tap tap tap.” There is no shying away from the ugliness of our inner intrusive thoughts.
Setting: Takes place in Ariel’s town, her job at Wildwood, the movie theater, Ruth’s car, places around town, and her house. I like that we weren’t all over the place and that a lot of the places were staples/repeated frequently.
Accuracy: I appreciated the breadth of types of intrusive thoughts covered in multiple ways - sexual intrusive thoughts, violent intrusive thoughts, religious intrusive thoughts, obsession with being perfect or safe. There were definitions of OCD and intrusive thoughts stated thoughtfully in places throughout the book, as well as some resources listed at the end. The book also emphasized that thinking you can treat OCD by yourself may not be the best way - that the brain deserves treatment, and that you wouldn’t just wrap a broken bone or a broken neck and think it’s fine. I think it's really rare to see such a strong depiction of OCD in such a blunt, unapologetic, realistic, and yet kind way in YA fic currently.
Characters: Ariel is a relatable protagonist and one I immediately rooted for/felt sympathy for due to her intense struggles with her thoughts and how that negatively affected how she lived her life (being terrified of driving or taking the bus, not being able to do certain things at work, missing conversations with friends because she’s stuck in her rituals). Also appreciated the consistency in character of Ariel standing up to boys picking on her or her friends. Ruth’s brashness and ability to be herself unapologetically and to pull that out of the people around her made her such a fun character. Rex’s character was one of comforting and support and glue, while being quick to help Ariel in ways that actually supported her well - bringing food, calling her sister, finding places for her to rest, suggesting she face her fears with friends, etc. Ruth’s character as a Black female and Rex’s trans journey and tension with his parents regarding hormone replacement therapy provided interesting exploration of topics of race and gender. The scene that hit me the hardest was when Ariel was about to jump from the bridge but Rex and Ruth got there just in time, and just seeing their conversation play out, the realness of it all, the language, Ruth shrieking for Rex to deal with it because she couldn’t, and the way they cared for Ariel in the aftermath…I love that Rex brings Ariel food and talks to her about his brother and how he had a maniac episode and was killed by the police, and the way that Ruth opens up about her favorite cousin committing suicide and her whole family thinking she was so cold because she couldn’t get herself to go to the funeral. The scenes where Ariel, Ruth, and Rex drive off somewhere or go to the movies or talk until sunrise together sharing their thoughts are so precious, and so…vulnerable. Where they share their fears, their thoughts about their loved ones dying and their struggles and their relationships with their parents, all of it embodied the teen years where you really rely on your friends for support. Mandy wasn’t that interesting to me as a character, though I suppose we only see her from Ariel’s view - perfect older sister in every way who is determined to find a way to help her sister with her psychological struggles. Ariel’s parents are distant and struggling with their own things (her mom wants to be young and like all other women in society, while she realizes at the end of the book that her father is hurting too and keeps her at arm’s length), which adds depth to the book but doesn’t really get resolved in any way. In contrast, I love that Ariel has other supportive adult figures in her life who notice when she’s struggling, like Megga (boss) and Cipinko (weights teacher at school), and who talk to her about it.
Theme: The author says in the acknowledgments that the heart of the story is “Why do we think there is something wrong with us?” She spends a lot of time examining how a person can’t be put in one box and that society often defines what is “right” or “good” in a very specific way, but that we shouldn’t feel limited to being one thing. She also discusses how being a woman in society often seems like a cage and how it appears sometimes that everyone else was given the right code/set of thoughts while those who struggle aren’t, and that doesn’t mean that the struggling person is wrong.
Illustrations: LOL love the crocodiles on the spine of the book - cute actual illustration but also ties to the sinister part of Ariel seeing her hungry, dangerous OCD thoughts. The cover is pretty, with an eye-catching font and a nice depiction of Ariel to give me something to imagine her as, since there’s very little physical description about her besides being tall/big/unladylike.
Design (including format, organization, etc.): I have weirdly mixed opinions about this novel-in-verse format. Usually it’s powerful and hits me like a truck, and I feel like the format did lend itself to some very powerful moments, especially when Ariel was about to jump, or when she is wrestling through her intrusive thoughts or counting rituals. At other times, though, the sections felt a little disjointed and abrupt. The last third of the book seemed like it was dragging on a bit and I was just flipping pages to read quickly to find out how the rest of the story progressed. It took longer than I thought to get to the end of the book, which ended how I expected, but could have been fleshed out better with different scenarios to showcase the growth in battling her thoughts? I would have also appreciated more of Ariel being able to summarize or share her thoughts in how she felt as she worked through fighting her intrusive thoughts and reshaping her thinking.
“I am watching myself from somewhere high above / or maybe far below, watching myself / get dumped on the concrete, hot in the sun / watching myself look up at Rex and Ruth / who stand looking down at me, one of them crying / one of them blank-faced, but neither of them / running away. ‘Were you going to jump?’ I don’t know. Cut the shit, Ariel! Were you going to jump? I don’t know! No. I can’t do this shit, Ruth shrieks. Rex, talk to her! How did you find me? Megga told us to follow you. Were you going to jump? I don’t know / I don’t know / I don’t know” (190-191)
“Ruth shows up at sunrise with donuts. You could have texted me sooner. We didn’t want to wake you up. I was awake. We talk in whispers and leave crumbs. What are you most afraid of? Missing the signs, she says. Again and again. Losing everyone. Getting to the edge a second too late. Him: Never leaving this town. Getting stuck in invisibility. Answer your own question, Ariel. Hurting the people I love and not being able to stop.” (411-412)
Story: Ariel is a seventeen-year-old girl who feels like she is too big, too queer, too dangerous, too much, etc. for everyone else. She struggles with intrusive thoughts and OCD, which are depicted in the form of a hungry crocodile/reptile and written in creepy font. Her older sister Mandy has gone off to college and her best friend Leah left the state for the summer, so Ariel is alone working her typical summer job at Wildwood, the summer carnival in town. At Wildwood this year she makes new friends - Ruth, a Black girl from Chicago here for the summer, and Rex, a trans boy who lives in town. Ariel experiences a breakdown and almost jumps off the edge of a bridge, but Ruth and Rex get there in time. The three friends grow closer, and Mandy explains to Ariel that she may have OCD. Ariel’s parents don’t believe in therapy (“prayer cures everything”) and are wrapped up in themselves/have a difficult relationship with her, so home life is difficult. Ruth and Rex work on exposure therapy with Ariel in helping her to face her fears and intrusive thoughts and ride the bus, watch the darts booth, and operate the Loco Loco ride that she’s terrified of. The book ends with Ariel still starting to work through fighting back against her intrusive thoughts but being able to do some things that seemed impossible and seeing her friends kiss, seeing them safe.
Voice: Ariel’s voice is pretty established from the get-go. Her thoughts are honest and brutal, raw and unfiltered, filled with fear and so many questions and blood and murder. Love that she covers a wide range of topics - gender, sex, religion, mental health, relationships (family, friends, lovers), and body image. She speaks on being a lesbian and on not being sure about her gender identity and trying to understand that in relation to how society views gender, how others perceive her, and how she views herself and her big body. Cursing is present. Appreciate how her intrusive thoughts are in a bold, creepy font while other people’s speech is in italics so we can differentiate who is speaking.
Style: I need to say that I really, really wished there was a trigger warning section at the beginning of this book. If a teen randomly picked this book up off the shelf, it could hit someone badly in a way they were not prepared for. That said, this book’s beginning sucked me in. It starts off this way: “I have to. Every time I leave the kitchen whether I’m going in or out of the house. It’s a rule written in blood. This morning, like every morning, I stare down at the collection of kitchen knives in the drawer by the stove. There are ten of them, one for each finger, short and long, serrated and not, silver silver silver I know them all well. This is the rule: in order to stop myself from driving one of them into my father’s chest I must open the drawers - the silent kind that don’t slam - and tap each blade with one finger, six times for each knife: tap tap tap tap tap tap.” There is no shying away from the ugliness of our inner intrusive thoughts.
Setting: Takes place in Ariel’s town, her job at Wildwood, the movie theater, Ruth’s car, places around town, and her house. I like that we weren’t all over the place and that a lot of the places were staples/repeated frequently.
Accuracy: I appreciated the breadth of types of intrusive thoughts covered in multiple ways - sexual intrusive thoughts, violent intrusive thoughts, religious intrusive thoughts, obsession with being perfect or safe. There were definitions of OCD and intrusive thoughts stated thoughtfully in places throughout the book, as well as some resources listed at the end. The book also emphasized that thinking you can treat OCD by yourself may not be the best way - that the brain deserves treatment, and that you wouldn’t just wrap a broken bone or a broken neck and think it’s fine. I think it's really rare to see such a strong depiction of OCD in such a blunt, unapologetic, realistic, and yet kind way in YA fic currently.
Characters: Ariel is a relatable protagonist and one I immediately rooted for/felt sympathy for due to her intense struggles with her thoughts and how that negatively affected how she lived her life (being terrified of driving or taking the bus, not being able to do certain things at work, missing conversations with friends because she’s stuck in her rituals). Also appreciated the consistency in character of Ariel standing up to boys picking on her or her friends. Ruth’s brashness and ability to be herself unapologetically and to pull that out of the people around her made her such a fun character. Rex’s character was one of comforting and support and glue, while being quick to help Ariel in ways that actually supported her well - bringing food, calling her sister, finding places for her to rest, suggesting she face her fears with friends, etc. Ruth’s character as a Black female and Rex’s trans journey and tension with his parents regarding hormone replacement therapy provided interesting exploration of topics of race and gender. The scene that hit me the hardest was when Ariel was about to jump from the bridge but Rex and Ruth got there just in time, and just seeing their conversation play out, the realness of it all, the language, Ruth shrieking for Rex to deal with it because she couldn’t, and the way they cared for Ariel in the aftermath…I love that Rex brings Ariel food and talks to her about his brother and how he had a maniac episode and was killed by the police, and the way that Ruth opens up about her favorite cousin committing suicide and her whole family thinking she was so cold because she couldn’t get herself to go to the funeral. The scenes where Ariel, Ruth, and Rex drive off somewhere or go to the movies or talk until sunrise together sharing their thoughts are so precious, and so…vulnerable. Where they share their fears, their thoughts about their loved ones dying and their struggles and their relationships with their parents, all of it embodied the teen years where you really rely on your friends for support. Mandy wasn’t that interesting to me as a character, though I suppose we only see her from Ariel’s view - perfect older sister in every way who is determined to find a way to help her sister with her psychological struggles. Ariel’s parents are distant and struggling with their own things (her mom wants to be young and like all other women in society, while she realizes at the end of the book that her father is hurting too and keeps her at arm’s length), which adds depth to the book but doesn’t really get resolved in any way. In contrast, I love that Ariel has other supportive adult figures in her life who notice when she’s struggling, like Megga (boss) and Cipinko (weights teacher at school), and who talk to her about it.
Theme: The author says in the acknowledgments that the heart of the story is “Why do we think there is something wrong with us?” She spends a lot of time examining how a person can’t be put in one box and that society often defines what is “right” or “good” in a very specific way, but that we shouldn’t feel limited to being one thing. She also discusses how being a woman in society often seems like a cage and how it appears sometimes that everyone else was given the right code/set of thoughts while those who struggle aren’t, and that doesn’t mean that the struggling person is wrong.
Illustrations: LOL love the crocodiles on the spine of the book - cute actual illustration but also ties to the sinister part of Ariel seeing her hungry, dangerous OCD thoughts. The cover is pretty, with an eye-catching font and a nice depiction of Ariel to give me something to imagine her as, since there’s very little physical description about her besides being tall/big/unladylike.
Design (including format, organization, etc.): I have weirdly mixed opinions about this novel-in-verse format. Usually it’s powerful and hits me like a truck, and I feel like the format did lend itself to some very powerful moments, especially when Ariel was about to jump, or when she is wrestling through her intrusive thoughts or counting rituals. At other times, though, the sections felt a little disjointed and abrupt. The last third of the book seemed like it was dragging on a bit and I was just flipping pages to read quickly to find out how the rest of the story progressed. It took longer than I thought to get to the end of the book, which ended how I expected, but could have been fleshed out better with different scenarios to showcase the growth in battling her thoughts? I would have also appreciated more of Ariel being able to summarize or share her thoughts in how she felt as she worked through fighting her intrusive thoughts and reshaping her thinking.
“I am watching myself from somewhere high above / or maybe far below, watching myself / get dumped on the concrete, hot in the sun / watching myself look up at Rex and Ruth / who stand looking down at me, one of them crying / one of them blank-faced, but neither of them / running away. ‘Were you going to jump?’ I don’t know. Cut the shit, Ariel! Were you going to jump? I don’t know! No. I can’t do this shit, Ruth shrieks. Rex, talk to her! How did you find me? Megga told us to follow you. Were you going to jump? I don’t know / I don’t know / I don’t know” (190-191)
“Ruth shows up at sunrise with donuts. You could have texted me sooner. We didn’t want to wake you up. I was awake. We talk in whispers and leave crumbs. What are you most afraid of? Missing the signs, she says. Again and again. Losing everyone. Getting to the edge a second too late. Him: Never leaving this town. Getting stuck in invisibility. Answer your own question, Ariel. Hurting the people I love and not being able to stop.” (411-412)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 12, 2024
The reality of Ariel's OCD is very clear and it is truthfully portrayed, completely avoiding the "pencils all in a line" stereotypes. This is an important story and a new perspective not usually explored so in depth in YA. That said, this was extremely heavy, intense, and a little upsetting. I had to take a lot of breaks. Please do not go into this book lightly. It is worth reading but it deserves time and consideration.
I listened to the audiobook and it took me a a while to realize it was in verse. This book could have blended verse and prose to balance the OCD Invasive thoughts and Ariel's experiences. I also think it could have been a little bit shorter. Overall, and emotional, intense, fresh experience of a story.
I listened to the audiobook and it took me a a while to realize it was in verse. This book could have blended verse and prose to balance the OCD Invasive thoughts and Ariel's experiences. I also think it could have been a little bit shorter. Overall, and emotional, intense, fresh experience of a story.
April 28, 2024
I was in the biggest reading slump until I picked this book up this evening. 3 hours later I read the whole thing!
June 25, 2024
Still processing this one, but man it was beautiful, and hard, and gorgeous, and hard, and unsparing in its depiction of OCD/queer self discovery. But the novel-in-verse format works well for my short attention span rn, and it's just...a sweet story of found family and self-acceptance where the narrator sometimes talks about her murderous intrusive thoughts and that is just fine.
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