How a Husband Speaks: Leading and Loving Your Wife Through Godly Communication

by Ryan Frederick

God cares how husbands speak to their wives.

The nearest, clearest, and best opportunity a husband has to improve his marriage is to become a better communicator. Couples who learn to speak, listen, and understand one another experience growth in every other aspect of their marriage, including their unity, intimacy, priorities, and more. So, why not devote yourself to mastering the craft of biblical, godly communication?

In How a Husband Speaks , author Ryan G. Frederick challenges husbands to become men who understand the weight of their words and view communication as an opportunity to love their wives more like Christ. In this book, you

Genres: Marriage, Christianity, Faith

176 pages, Paperback

Published June 12, 2023

Reviews

[Joe Wickey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to help husbands communicate and understand their spouses better. Chapters aren’t too long so they are easy to hang with and the content is engaging and encouraging.

[Jacob Dahlberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very, very good book.

Quite honestly, I’m cynical of most topical Christian books out there as I believe many of them are a mile wide and an inch deep. This is not one of those books.

Each chapter on this book is saturated with humility (Phil. 2), fear of God (Proverbs), and sacrificing love (Eph. 5). Every chapter outlines what mediocrity looks like compared to mastery regarding aspects of communication in marriage, provides great reflective questions, and gives great practical tools to boost and/or heal communication with your wife. I feel able and excited to apply what Fredrick outlines right away.

I’ll be buying this for all the guys I know getting married, and Fredrick’s wife has also written the counter piece to this book for wives.

[Walter Shaw -]

Highlights on the power of words.

I don’t quite have 12 rules for life, but there are a few principles that I do abide by. One of those is, if the fine folks at Fierce Marriage write something, I read it. So when I saw that this book by Ryan Frederick was coming out, I ordered it and read it as soon as it arrived. This is a short introduction to the topic of communication in marriage, written by a husband for a husband. I found helpful observations and points of application in each chapter. Swipe to some of my favorite highlights from the book!

Here were some takeaways that stood out to me:

1) Every chapter included a helpful little table that contrasted what mediocrity & mastery looks like for the topic of the chapter. I really appreciated that, and I think I might integrate that framework in future pieces that I work on!

2) The gospel is front & center of this book. The solution to our communication problems isn’t just “try harder,” Frederick addresses the heart even as he gives practical tips and tools for communication.

3) The chapter on manipulation tactics was really helpful. Just having them all listed out and defined helped me to see just how easy it is to fall into unhelpful speech patterns.

4) The suggestion to begin writing letters to one’s wife was unique and something that I’d like to implement into my own life!

5) Generally speaking, growing in communication pays dividends in just about every other area of your marriage. If you can speak well to your spouse, it helps solve many other problems that come up!

By the way, if you’re a wife reading this thinking “What about me?” Selena Frederick has written a complementary book (that I have not read but I assume is similar) entitled “How a Wife Speaks.”

[Martin Wickens · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a lot of great reviews, but for some reason I just couldn't get into it. To be fair, I perhaps should return to it and reread it at some point.

The opening chapters were the most helpful. There were a few helpful sentences scattered throughout.

However, later chapters seemed to have a lot of repetition.

Some chapters had illustrations that were longer than the point eventually made.

A few things I bothered me. One illustration uses flowing beer as a positive example of good times. I know Christians take different positions on alcohol, but seeing as alcohol is a universal hindrance to communication and has caused untold damage to marriage it seems inappropriate. Numerous other examples could have been used.

In other places the physical intimacy of marriage is treated in what felt like an immature way.

The book obviously has helped a lot of people, but it's not one I'll return to.

I wouldn't say not to read, but I don't think it's one I'll recommend to others.

[Benjamin Albaugh · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a good book, but I wish it had more of a personal touch to it. The examples felt vague and unclear, kind of shooting all around the target but missing the mark. Almost like Ryan is afraid of giving nitty gritty details. I feel like it would be even more beneficial to be vulnerable to the men who are reading the book and show it's ok to open up.

[Joseph Ciambrone · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this concise yet impactful guide, Frederick lays out a biblically grounded framework for understanding the profound role of communication in marriage and provides actionable tools to transform the way husbands engage with their spouses.

At the heart of the book is the idea that every word a husband speaks holds the power to either build up or tear down his marriage. Frederick challenges men to see communication not merely as an exchange of information but as a reflection of Christ-like love, sacrifice, and leadership. By drawing on Scripture and personal insights, he offers a compelling call to use words intentionally, cultivating habits that foster unity, trust, and emotional safety.

One of the book’s greatest strengths is its balance of theology and practicality. Each chapter is infused with biblical wisdom while also offering tangible advice on navigating difficult conversations, creating a culture of respect, and avoiding common communication pitfalls. The inclusion of reflection questions at the end of each chapter invites readers to pause and evaluate their own habits, making the book a powerful tool for self-improvement and spiritual growth.

Frederick also emphasizes the importance of humility in communication, encouraging husbands to approach their wives with a servant’s heart, rooted in empathy and grace. He provides illuminating contrasts between “mediocre” and “masterful” communication styles, helping readers identify areas for growth and empowering them to speak life into their marriages.

What sets How a Husband Speaks apart is its accessibility and relatability. Frederick’s tone is both encouraging and challenging, making the book feel like advice from a wise friend. His reflections on the transformative power of the gospel in marriage resonate deeply, reminding husbands that the ultimate model of love and leadership is Christ Himself.

Overall, How a Husband Speaks is a must-read for husbands who desire to strengthen their marriages through godly communication. It is not just a book to be read but a guide to be lived out daily. Whether you are newly married or have decades of experience, this book will inspire you to communicate with intentionality, love, and a renewed commitment to reflecting Christ in your words. Highly recommended for anyone seeking to grow as a husband and as a man of God.

[Dimitar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great advice on how a husband speaks to his wife in very short and chapters going straight to the point. There are two disclaimers that I would like to point out here though. Otherwise all the advice in the book is pointless. First of all, it won't work unless both - and I really mean both - spouses are devout Christians. And second of all, the man should be married to the right woman. I also noticed that the author tends to be too critical to the husband and not nearly enough critical - in some instances even too glorifying - toward the wife, but as long as you are aware of it all, the book is worth the rating that I gave it.

[Josh Simons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. Ryan encourages husbands out of mediocrity and into mastery by providing relatable introductions and guidance from Scripture. He does it all without any tit-for-tat style, “If you put in X, you will receive Y.” Regardless of the outcomes, Ryan skillfully guides the husband what communication can look like when his eyes are on Christ. No browbeating or guilt or overly-compensating alpha male jargon while also not succumbing to simpy beta-male Big Eva weakness. Ryan threads a needle to become, without hyperbole, probably one of the best marriage books for husbands I’ve read in my 21 years of marriage. Highest recommendation.

[Cam Marshall Film · Rating 3 out of 5]

Improving your communication is your most potent and immediate opportunity to improve your marriage. Every aspect of communication comes down to your heart. So for communication to change for good the heart must be changed for good. For communication to be renewed for good the heart must be renewed for good. If you’re open to letting this book challenge your core beliefs about your heart toward your wife then you’ll able to receive some good tools and recognize areas of growth as a husband through your communication habits.

[Kellen Reynolds · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the last 3 chapters were the best in this book. I gave it three stars because I feel like he could’ve either not used certain imagery or could’ve used better ones. I also am not a big fan of word choices he used to sound hip and young, but that may be a bias on my end as I enjoy more reverence and respect when it comes to talking about the things of God. But also it lacked a lot of meat and personal touch in my opinion. It would’ve been nice for him to expound more, to bring in more personal stories pertaining to his points. Other than that it’s a decent book.

[Nathan Slonaker · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Improving your communication is your most potent and immediate opportunity to improve your marriage." Packed full of so much wisdom and truth, speaks to the heart and practical. Covers so many aspects of marriage that I didn't even realize I needed to be thinking about. I'll need to re-read again no doubt. A must-read for all husbands, imho!

[Michael Woods · Rating 4 out of 5]

It has a great message and can be repetitive at times, but sometimes, important information is best repeated over and over.

I like how it also acts as a workbook. On my first pass-through, I focused on just reading and contemplation. I will, over the next week, now sit and complete the exercises with profound focus.

[Alexander Karas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Favorite parts of the book include the challenge to write letters, the importance of questions and pursuit, the ability of God to change our hearts, the cool stories he compares love to, the importance of using words to edify each other.

[Bryan Rice · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good starting point for marriage communication, but should not be the only book you should read on the subject.

[Tyler Viegut · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy read with many areas to look at as a husband. Some are obvious and others are not.

[Charlie Marlowe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read that is easy to digest and take away practical steps to improve as a communicator and lead well in your marriage.

[Shawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book for any husband. Very deep thoughts and Biblically backed.

[Josh Radcliffe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Let’s face it, men often struggle with communication, especially in relationships with women. Unfortunately, American Christianity has fostered a culture that often misunderstands the role of a husband in leading his wife and family. Complementarianism, which gained traction in the 2010s, has contributed to an imbalance in communication efforts between husbands and wives—a theological view I personally disagree with. Thankfully, Ryan Frederick offers a more scripturally grounded perspective in his excellent workbook for husbands.

Frederick emphasizes that husbands should communicate in a way that supports, nurtures, and uplifts their wives as equal partners. This approach deviates from complementarianism and other “biblical” viewpoints that place wives beneath their husbands. Frederick encourages husbands to practice patience, reflect before responding, and view their wives as gifts to be cherished, cared for, and protected, while also considering their emotional and spiritual needs. He also advocates for understanding issues from their wives’ perspectives during conflicts—valuable tools for fostering empathy.

Frederick also challenges husbands, as leaders in their marriages, to take the initiative in resolving conflicts with emotional and spiritual maturity that glorifies God and nurtures their wives. He defines leadership as the ability to identify issues and address them collaboratively with their wives, aiming for resolutions that honor God, strengthen the marriage, and deepen the relationship.

One aspect of the book I particularly appreciate is the inclusion of chapter summaries with reflection questions that encourage personal growth. The chapters are brief and easy to read, but the questions prompt thoughtful reflection. If answered honestly, these questions can help husbands identify areas for improvement in their communication, ensuring that their wives feel seen, heard, loved, and cherished.

I strongly recommend this book to all husbands as a valuable tool for enhancing communication and fostering a more loving and supportive marriage.