RIFE WITH SPOILERS. I finished Nameless a while ago and I was so enraged that I wrote a review right then. I decided not to publish it because it was scathing and I was angry and I do understand the amount of hard work that goes into writing a novel. So I left it, thinking I would return at a later stage, when the few pence I had paid for it didn’t seem like a king’s ransom in light of what I got.
It’s been a few weeks now and I don’t feel any different. I can quite easily say this is one of the worst books I have ever read. It’s inconsistent, overly indulgent, badly written, badly edited. It’s just a hot mess from start to finish.
Where to start? Nameless is about a serial killer named Shem (don’t ask) who starts a cat and mouse game with FBI Special Agent In Charge, Daniel Falcone. If you don’t remember the Special Agent in Charge bit don’t worry, Daniel reminds us every time he talks to someone. Daniel and everyone else in this book seem to suffer from some kind of grammatical quirk, or maybe it’s a hearing problem because they repeat themselves Ad Nauseum (“Hi, I’m Daniel, the FBI Special Agent in Charge. Did you get that? Oh don’t worry I’ll say it again. Hi, I’m Daniel…). They also really like to swear. It’s not the swearing that bothers me, it’s the fact that Joe Conlan can’t spell the swear words properly.
Anyway, we have Daniel, who had dreams of being Special Agent in Charge in a Martin Scorcese movie but found out at the last minute that Uwe Boll was taking over. So he talks like someone out of a 1980s mobster flick. He is handsome, intelligent, wonderful, he has an eight pack, yes an eight pack. He’s the absolute best FBI SAC who has ever graced the earth with his divine presence. Shem is depraved, disgusting, evil, intelligent (but not as intelligent as Daniel).
Daniel has a wife. She’s nice, she’s a mom. This is important because Deborah’s cipher-like presence is very deliberate.
And then there is Annie, the one that got away. Daniel’s OTP who he pines after like a lovesick schoolboy. Did I mention she beautiful, intelligent “compassionate”, sexy, amazing, understanding? Did I need to?
Oh and then there’s Shem’s mom, she just sucks and there’s nothing in the world she wouldn’t do for a quick fix.
Ok, so Shem is running around killing people and Daniel is trying to catch him, but Shem also has an obsession with Annie (of course he does). And that’s essentially the plot. You might not think a plot this simplistic could be riddled with holes big enough to drive a truck through. You’d be wrong. Also the inconsistencies within these characters is almost too much to bear.
My personal favourites include:
Shem has the worst mother in the world (everything in this book works in absolutes) yet after not being able to talk for 15 years it takes him a mere six years before I quote “he knew more about computers than Bill Gates.” He’s also a multimillionaire and can literally do anything. Deepsea diving? Check. Dog training? Check. He also knows everything about every religion and well, everything else. Shem is like the Superman of serial killers. No, Shem is Superman’s kryptonite but he could still overpower Superman without it.
Ok, my next gripe. So far the FBI have established that not only is Shem an employee on Annie’s ship (I love how Annie is the head of security on the ship but never actually has to be present on the ship) but he also seems to have a personal thing with Annie. After all, he kills her best friend and sends the ears to Annie’s boyfriend. He sends incriminating pictures of Daniel and Annie doing the nasty to Deborah. However, this does not stop Daniel Falcone, FBI Special Agent in Charge, taking his family away on a cruise on Annie’s ship even though he knows he is on Shem’s radar. Speaking of this I have to wonder at Shem’s apparent brilliance. He wants Annie, so I suppose it makes sense to send the photos to Deborah as it will mess up Daniel’s life. But surely for Shem the best outcome if he can’t murder Daniel is to get him back with his wife and kids. Not kill his wife so there is no one in the way between Daniel and Annie? I know the plan was to frame Daniel for the murder but why go to the trouble? Even he must realise that if even the tiniest bit of evidence does not stick he’s done nothing but send Daniel into Annie’s arms? Or he could just kill Daniel, he's done it to everyone else.
Still this does not have a patch on their actual affair. Annie invites Daniel for dinner at her home. He demurs but then goes anyway. So Annie tells her mom about her plans for Daniel (now my mom would have rightly boxed my ears to hear about my planned seduction of a married man but bad moms seem to be a theme in this book), then she cooks a fancy dinner, gets some expensive wine and dresses up in a clingy dress. Previously she's tried to get him to share a romantic meal with her numerous times behind his wife's back. Daniel meanwhile thinks to himself that if Annie is up for it he won't say no (then feels bad for considering taking advantage of Annie if she's upset, not bad that he'll be cheating on his family! As I said Deborah is a placeholder, intended only to c**kb***k her poor husband because how, how, how could she not be a Daniel/Annie shipper?).
In short, there was never a more planned seduction in the history of seductions. Never. But when the deed is done both Annie and Daniel are all "how could this have happened?", "we weren't thinking", "it just happened". Um no, you both planned this to the letter. Take some responsibility. And just to top it off, a few days later Daniel thinks to himself that he has to admit his feelings for Annie are not platonic. Um wow, Mr FBI Special Agent in Charge when did you come to this staggering realisation? When you were giving Annie those multiple orgasms (Daniel is of course the best lover)? For an FBI Special Agent in Charge I have to wonder if his mother didn't drop him on his head as a baby.
And poor Deborah, she's just a nothing, a blank slate with secondary sexual characteristics, biding her time until she's tossed aside for the real woman in Daniel’s life. Every single sentence about her is only to drive home that Daniel really doesn't love her. How very dare she expect him to stay faithful in the face of vampy Annie? She's really just cramping his style with all that breathing and stuff she does. Luckily Shem is there to kill her off because she has no purpose other than to be a uterus for Daniel’s kids and a sexual outlet for the man himself until, you know, Annie comes along. And yet somehow we are still supposed to believe Daniel when he claims to love her and wants their marriage to work.
And finally, the ending. Annie is kidnapped and abused by Shem but she has an elaborate plan to escape. A plan that is explained in miniscule detail. Letters and conveniently placed franking machines just add to the nowhere plot, when in actual fact, Annie could have just talked to the postman when he arrived. She knew he was on his way. Stand on the opposite side of the fence and say “Hello Mr Postman, would you please tell Daniel Falcone, FBI Special Agent in Charge - oh you’ve heard of him, wonderful - that I’m being held at this address by a psychopath. Thanks, have a good day.”
Yes, it’s bad and not even in a so bad it’s good way. You know it’s a problem when you hope the serial killer kills everyone in the story and then accidentally falls off a cliff. If Conlan is planning on a sequel I suggest he not only does a writing course but also does some work on understanding the basics of storytelling because there’s a real lack of that in Nameless.