How to Win at Everything: Even Things You Can't or Shouldn't Try to Win At

by Daniel Kibblesmith, Sam Weiner

Nobody wants to be a loser. With this revolutionary new handbook, readers will learn how to win at literally everything*—even things that aren't contests, and that you can't or shouldn't try to win at, such as dreaming, apologizing, and talking on the phone with your mom. Crucial illustrated advice and instruction guides would-be winners through activities including bird-watching (start by spotting common species like pigeons, or dogs), job interviews (maintain eye very smart people do not need to blink), and many more scenarios for success. In sharing their hard-won knowledge, the authors—noted experts at this sort of thing—help readers become the future winners they were meant to be.

*actually, more like dozens of things

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction

160 pages, Paperback

First published November 12, 2013

About the author

Daniel Kibblesmith is an Emmy-nominated TV writer and author from Oak Park, Illinois.

He was most recently a Co-Executive Producer for Netflix Animation’s Strip Law (2026) — as well as writing for shows like Inside Job (Netflix, 2021), Clone High (Max, 2023), The Nevers (HBO, 2021) and The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (CBS, 2015 - 2020). He was also the writer of the televised live event Celebrating Marvel’s Stan Lee (ABC, 2019) and a writer for the 69th Primetime Emmy Awards (2017).

His next book is So You’ve Been Bitten By A Radioactive Spider: How To Survive The Marvel Universe, with illustrator Kyle Hilton from Chronicle Books and Marvel. With illustrator, Ashley Quach, he is the author of the picture books Princess Dinosaur (LBYR, 2021) and Santa’s Husband (Harper Design, 2017). He is also the author of We Wish You a Harley Christmas: DC Holiday Carols (Chronicle Books, 2020) and the co-author of the humor book, How to Win at Everything (Chronicle Books, 2013).

In comics, he’s written for characters like Spider-Man, Loki, Black Panther, Deadpool, Harley Quinn, Darkwing Duck, Rick and Morty and others for Marvel, D.C. Comics, Dynamite, Oni, Valiant Comics, Vault, Archie, Boom! Studios and possibly others. With co-writer Eliot Rahal, and artist Kendall Goode, he is co-creator of the creator-owned comic, The Doorman.

He was also a founding editor of ClickHole (2014), and has written humor for outlets like The New Yorker, McSweeneys, and The Onion News Network.

He is a frequent podcast and live comedy guest, and is married to his favorite author, Jennifer Wright. Together they have one child, a daughter who is funnier than he is.

Follow him on social media @daniel.kibblesmith.

TV & Film Representation: Underground; Verve

Reviews

[Heidi · Rating 2 out of 5]

A faux-guide to epically winning most anything that life could throw at you.

Humor is a tricky thing. It's unique to each person and so hard to get just right.

I'll admit that I giggled at a few lines in this.

For example, on the "dangerousness of flamingos": "Appear adorable and flightless- then strangle you with their graceful necks and fly away into the night." pg 15, ebook.

"Incapacitating Attackers Using Only this Book" also earned a chuckle.

But, for the most part, this humorous tome missed the mark for me. Not recommended.

[Bill Kerwin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don’t know why I bothered to finish this book, but I do know why I chose to begin it.

A few weeks ago—July 18th, 2017, to be exact—I read a very funny New Yorker article entitled “It’s Time for Hillary Clinton to Bow Gracefully out of all Public Life, Along With all Other Women” by Daniel Kibblesmith. In it, the author creates the persona of a man who complains about Hillary Clinton’s continued media presence, but is actually more bothered by the women in his own life: his wife, his wife’s friend Grace “with the weird laugh,” and “Geraldine from human resources.” (My favorite part is this comment, which begins with Hillary and ends with his grandmother: “The last thing we need is to keep the Clinton dynasty on life support. Like my grandmother, selfishly clinging to a fortune she cannot enjoy, with one foot in the grave and the other in a tub of Epsom salt. The Newport house should be mine, Nana. The Newport house belongs to America now.”)

This Kibblesmith guy is somebody I want to hear more of, I thought. So I googled him and found out that he used to write for “The Onion News Network” and is now a staff writer for “Late Night with Steven Colbert” That was enough for me. I looked him up in the cataloque of our local library, discovered that How to Win at Everything was available as an ebook, and I ordered it immediately.

I liked the title, and immediately began to imagine the persona to go with it: a sociopath who pretends to instruct other sociopaths, but is actually only interested in making big bucks through seminars and an on-line university, a man whose metaphors and examples continually reveal a dark list of his inadequacies and fears.

But I was disappointed. There was no real persona this time. Only a scattershot collection of second-rate jokes, some pertinent and some absurd. And let me tell you, after one hundred and sixty pages, after about a thousand or so random jokes, the reader—this reader at least—becomes weary.

There’s a lesson for humorists here. All the great satirists and humorists, from Juvenal and Jonathan Swift to Mark Twain and Dave Barry, have created characters—personae—to speak for them. For it is these characters—like the woman-harried man in Kibblesmith’s New Yorker piece—that create enduring laughter.

Without a person (or at least a persona) at the heart of the humor, there is nothing but jokes. And jokes—however funny individually—get old after awhile.

[Eric · Rating 2 out of 5]

I received this book for free through the Goodreads First Reads program.


How to Win at Everything: Even Things You Can't or Shouldn't Try to Win At is a book that is desperately trying to be wry, ironic, and funny, but just ends up being another book that tries too hard and delivers too little.

Written and illustrated by Daniel Kibblesmith and Sam Weiner, who both list The Onion News Network as previous writing engagements among others, the book is a fake guide to "winning." The concept is broadly interpreted and ranges from bird watching to fist fights to relating to your grandkids. The tone is mock instructional - dry and matter-of-fact. Here is an entry under the topic of "Zookeeping": "Bears hibernate through the winter, but you can prevent them from entering this boring period of inactivity by pumping the summery tunes of Jimmy Buffett into their enclosure all year round at extremely high volume." The illustrations are in that retro style you see everywhere someone wants to do a hipster look.

I think that might be the core of this book - it is for hipsters to enjoy (or mock enjoy, or whatever it is that hipsters do now). In the end it is an empty, mostly unfunny and uninteresting waste of time.

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

I bought this book and read it in one day, completely unaware that this book was actually filled with sarcastic and stupid jokes, instead of teaching someone how to "win" and "succeed" in life. The jokes fell flat, it tried too hard. I wished I could get that hour back from my life. Why make a self-help book when it does nothing but give stupid scenerios and stupid jokes?!?!?! As a person who laughs at almost anything, with a great sense of humor, I found nothing in this book funny. 1 star for wasting my time and appearing misleading on the front and back cover.

[Alex Firer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a huge fan of these guys on Twitter, and this book has indeed taught me how to win at every single objective I've ever had! Thank you Wiener/Kibblesmith Enterprises!

[Madhu N · Rating 3 out of 5]

Picked it up thinking it was a self help book. It is no where near that. I would not say this book is horrible because it is sarcastic and quite funny at times.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book tries too hard to be funny, but it’s not. The cover is cute - yellow with fake awards on it. The small trim size is good for portability, and the inside of the book is a mixture of text, drawings and charts. The typeface varies in size depending on the subject, and the palate of the pages is nice - black, white, grays and blues.

But the actual content didn’t make me laugh once. I thought it was obnoxious and not as sharp as it could’ve been. For example, under the Introduction, it says “right now, you’re a loser. Go ahead and look up ‘loser’ in the dictionary - you won’t find a picture of yourself, because they’d never print your picture in a book as important as the dictionary. But we can help.” (pg. 11). What teen (or adult) will find this funny? It’s cutting the reader down in an unnecessary way.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a pretty funny book. I think the authors did an excellent job balancing the realistic and the absurd without ever slipping out of character. It's a very quick read, which I think is definitely a strength (it's a good gimmick, but they knew when to say goodbye rather than dragging on forever and ever. Looking at you, Scrubs).

There were definitely some formatting issues with the Kindle edition, so I'd strongly recommend getting an actual physical copy.

[Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads. It was fun to read, and made me even chuckle to myself at times. I'm definitely going to recommend this book to my brother, who will appreciate this kind of humor.

[Dorothy · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was worth the read. I learned some things.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Humorous, yet funny!

[Shadi · Rating 2 out of 5]

A light and humorous book.

Surprised that I actually finished this in only one day.

[Cyndie Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Made me giggle, about what you expect.

[Tankboy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Decent gag gift, but it's a single-read kind of joke book by a couple Onion writers. Also, it's a joke book and not a guide, just so's you know.

[Jay G · Rating 5 out of 5]

HIlarious

[N Lopez · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun.