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How to Be an Adult in Love: Letting Love in Safely and Showing It Recklessly
How to let love into our lives, and how to express that love to the world at large—the latest from a best-selling author.
We were made to love and be loved. Loving ourselves and others is in our genetic code. It’s nothing other than the purpose of our lives—but knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do. We may find it a challenge to love ourselves. We may have a hard time letting love in from others. We’re often afraid of getting hurt. It is also sometimes scary for us to share love with those around us—and love that isn't shared leaves us feeling flat and unfulfilled.
David Richo provides the tools here for learning how to love in evolved adult ways—beginning with getting past the barriers that keep us from loving ourselves, then showing how we can learn to open to love others.
The first challenge is that we have a hard time letting love recognizing it, accepting it from others. We're afraid of it, of getting hurt. The second, related problem is that we're unable to share love with those around us--and love that isn't shared isn't truly love. The first step to learning to love and be loved, according to Richo's model, is to identify the different levels of love so that you can hit each one separately. He breaks it down to
• Level Positive Connection. As simple as being courteous, respectful, helpful, and honest, and decent in all our dealings. Pretty basic, but it makes the world a better place, and it's the essential foundation for growing in love.
• Level Caring and Personal Connection. Intimacy and commitment to friends, family, partners, lovers. Commitment to others.
• Level Unconditional and Universal. Transcending the love of individuals to the love of all beings; self-sacrificing. The love expressed in the Sermon on the Mount and the Bodhicharyavatara. This level of love isn't for a heroic few, it's everyone's calling.
He then shows us how to incorporate these varieties of love into our lives. It's a relief to know that even just aspiring to incorporate them really changes things. He also provides exercises and guided meditations for identifying and getting through the things that keep you from getting and giving love at each of these three levels.
Through the lens of these types of love, Richo covers topics such how to still be yourself while loving another; how to embrace your dark side; what to do when the one who loves you dies; need versus fear; clinging; healthy sexuality, including fantasies and how to experience pleasure without guilt; how to break distructive patterns in your relationships; and how to have safe conversations with your loved one.
Richo provides wisdom from Buddhism, psychology, and a range of spiritual traditions, along with a wealth of practices both for avoiding the pitfalls that can occur in love relationships and for enhancing the way love shows up in our lives. He then leads us on to love’s inevitable developing a heart that loves universally and indiscriminately. This transcendent and unconditional love isn’t just for a heroic few, Richo shows, it’s everyone’s magnificent calling.
We were made to love and be loved. Loving ourselves and others is in our genetic code. It’s nothing other than the purpose of our lives—but knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do. We may find it a challenge to love ourselves. We may have a hard time letting love in from others. We’re often afraid of getting hurt. It is also sometimes scary for us to share love with those around us—and love that isn't shared leaves us feeling flat and unfulfilled.
David Richo provides the tools here for learning how to love in evolved adult ways—beginning with getting past the barriers that keep us from loving ourselves, then showing how we can learn to open to love others.
The first challenge is that we have a hard time letting love recognizing it, accepting it from others. We're afraid of it, of getting hurt. The second, related problem is that we're unable to share love with those around us--and love that isn't shared isn't truly love. The first step to learning to love and be loved, according to Richo's model, is to identify the different levels of love so that you can hit each one separately. He breaks it down to
• Level Positive Connection. As simple as being courteous, respectful, helpful, and honest, and decent in all our dealings. Pretty basic, but it makes the world a better place, and it's the essential foundation for growing in love.
• Level Caring and Personal Connection. Intimacy and commitment to friends, family, partners, lovers. Commitment to others.
• Level Unconditional and Universal. Transcending the love of individuals to the love of all beings; self-sacrificing. The love expressed in the Sermon on the Mount and the Bodhicharyavatara. This level of love isn't for a heroic few, it's everyone's calling.
He then shows us how to incorporate these varieties of love into our lives. It's a relief to know that even just aspiring to incorporate them really changes things. He also provides exercises and guided meditations for identifying and getting through the things that keep you from getting and giving love at each of these three levels.
Through the lens of these types of love, Richo covers topics such how to still be yourself while loving another; how to embrace your dark side; what to do when the one who loves you dies; need versus fear; clinging; healthy sexuality, including fantasies and how to experience pleasure without guilt; how to break distructive patterns in your relationships; and how to have safe conversations with your loved one.
Richo provides wisdom from Buddhism, psychology, and a range of spiritual traditions, along with a wealth of practices both for avoiding the pitfalls that can occur in love relationships and for enhancing the way love shows up in our lives. He then leads us on to love’s inevitable developing a heart that loves universally and indiscriminately. This transcendent and unconditional love isn’t just for a heroic few, Richo shows, it’s everyone’s magnificent calling.
272 pages, Paperback
First published January 22, 2013
293 people are currently reading
3174 people want to read
About the author
David Richo
88 books535 followersDavid Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
March 14, 2013
Despite the title, this book provides great information on how to love yourself and how to love in relationships. This book addresses issues, such as fears of getting hurt, being scared while getting to know someone knew, and being vulnerable in a new relationship. The book addresses how to love yourself in order to form more fulling relationships. The author provides easy to follow suggestions. The book includes a variety of sources, including a variety of spiritual traditions and psychology. The book was very helpful and gave me a new outlook on myself and how I act in relationships.
May 2, 2022
As a man, growing up in post-communist Eastern Europe, the subject of this book has always been taboo. Nobody ever told me these things. I want to believe this book made me a better adult.
Would recommend.
Would recommend.
August 15, 2021
Writing about how to be a better human being is not an easy task but this book met my expectations.
Took me 3 months to gradually digest the educational content that schools never teach, page by page. I couldn't help highlighting many phrases that struck an emotional, jarring chord within my deepest hurt soul. I had to pause and reflect countless times to fully absorb and understand the far-reaching depths of the teachings in these pages.
The book stresses a few mental points that I find applicable immediately.
First is the 5As that we need to focus on in a relationship.
-Attention
-Affection
-Acceptance
-Allowance
-Appreciation
Second is that there are functional and dysfunctional ego. Functional ego empowers us. Dysfunctional ego disempowers us so we need to practice the 4 As, (Admit, Allow, Act, Affirm) to help ourselves back up on our feet.
There was also a mention of the shadow self which I find intriguing and wish to explore deeper in another book. It is suppressed within ourselves and comes out in ugly ways when we do not address it.
I will end this review with a quote, "Experience is not a good teacher, because it presents the test before the lesson." I hope I can handle future situations better with the lessons from this book.
Took me 3 months to gradually digest the educational content that schools never teach, page by page. I couldn't help highlighting many phrases that struck an emotional, jarring chord within my deepest hurt soul. I had to pause and reflect countless times to fully absorb and understand the far-reaching depths of the teachings in these pages.
The book stresses a few mental points that I find applicable immediately.
First is the 5As that we need to focus on in a relationship.
-Attention
-Affection
-Acceptance
-Allowance
-Appreciation
Second is that there are functional and dysfunctional ego. Functional ego empowers us. Dysfunctional ego disempowers us so we need to practice the 4 As, (Admit, Allow, Act, Affirm) to help ourselves back up on our feet.
There was also a mention of the shadow self which I find intriguing and wish to explore deeper in another book. It is suppressed within ourselves and comes out in ugly ways when we do not address it.
I will end this review with a quote, "Experience is not a good teacher, because it presents the test before the lesson." I hope I can handle future situations better with the lessons from this book.
February 12, 2019
Lots of overlap with Undefended Love and similar books. I appreciate the reminders for things I already practice, and there were some solid quotes in here as well. Some gendered stuff since it’s older, but nothing too horrifying. Strikes a nice balance between talking about forgiveness and letting go while not letting abusers off the hook (see last long quotation below).
“What forms of love have I been giving to others as a way of showing them what I want most?”
“We sometimes confuse love with finding a port in the storm of our own neediness.”
"How hard something hits is is directly proportional to how much control we’re trying to exert over it.”
"We associate need fulfillment with love, whether or not they actually happened together. In an adult relationship, when one of our needs is fulfilled, we may imagine that that's all it takes for love to be present too. We needed our parents, and couldn't always tell the difference between needing and loving. We may still mistake need for love. If love was shown to us in a household that was full of chaos and uproar, we were most likely programmed into associating love with traumatic excess. This misprpgramming makes only drama-drenched love seem authentic to us. Intellectually, we know this isn't true, but knowing it does not liberate our body from its emotional mistake. The identification of love and stress has been lodged deep in our psyches and selves."
"Did someone who abuses us really love us? We so need connection that when we know someone loves us, we may become willing to put up with some hurts. However, abuse is never legitimate. Love can't be real when it includes abuse, which breaks the caring connection, or shows it was never there to begin with. To most of us, connection matters more than happiness, which might cause us to tolerate abuse, even though it's never deserved or appropriate, no matter what the provocation. Occasional, mild abuse in childhood is complex and doesn't have to represent a lack of love. Severe, unremitting abuse can never be an expression of love. To believe that a parent loved us 'deep down' all the time he was abusing us doesn't make sense. It lets a perpetrator off the hook and keeps us in the victim role. We may hold onto the opinion that dad did love us anyway, because that belief dulls the impact of his cruelty toward or humiliation of us. Our endurance of his abuse can also be dangerous in that it can legitimate the violence that we were required to tolerate. The love in a parent is real only if it comes with accountability towards the child. Love is not abstract. Believing this requires freeing ourselves from Plato's view that there's a realm of reality made up of pure and abstract forms and sentiments. That view doesn't apply to love. Love doesn't exist in some vague, disembodied, never-never-land. When we're grounded in adult reality, love as an abstract noun is insufficient and in fact impossible. Love is real when it is consistently respectful, and repeatedly shown in actions that demonstrate caring connection. Violation is hurt, no matter what the presumed underlying sentiment, and no matter how much it was meant 'for our own good.' A cruel father doesn't love us as long as he's cruel. If we add, "he was sick," we really mean he was too sick to love us. When we honor that distinction, we gain the wisdom to see that love is real only when it looks like love, acts like love, and feels like love all over."
“What forms of love have I been giving to others as a way of showing them what I want most?”
“We sometimes confuse love with finding a port in the storm of our own neediness.”
"How hard something hits is is directly proportional to how much control we’re trying to exert over it.”
"We associate need fulfillment with love, whether or not they actually happened together. In an adult relationship, when one of our needs is fulfilled, we may imagine that that's all it takes for love to be present too. We needed our parents, and couldn't always tell the difference between needing and loving. We may still mistake need for love. If love was shown to us in a household that was full of chaos and uproar, we were most likely programmed into associating love with traumatic excess. This misprpgramming makes only drama-drenched love seem authentic to us. Intellectually, we know this isn't true, but knowing it does not liberate our body from its emotional mistake. The identification of love and stress has been lodged deep in our psyches and selves."
"Did someone who abuses us really love us? We so need connection that when we know someone loves us, we may become willing to put up with some hurts. However, abuse is never legitimate. Love can't be real when it includes abuse, which breaks the caring connection, or shows it was never there to begin with. To most of us, connection matters more than happiness, which might cause us to tolerate abuse, even though it's never deserved or appropriate, no matter what the provocation. Occasional, mild abuse in childhood is complex and doesn't have to represent a lack of love. Severe, unremitting abuse can never be an expression of love. To believe that a parent loved us 'deep down' all the time he was abusing us doesn't make sense. It lets a perpetrator off the hook and keeps us in the victim role. We may hold onto the opinion that dad did love us anyway, because that belief dulls the impact of his cruelty toward or humiliation of us. Our endurance of his abuse can also be dangerous in that it can legitimate the violence that we were required to tolerate. The love in a parent is real only if it comes with accountability towards the child. Love is not abstract. Believing this requires freeing ourselves from Plato's view that there's a realm of reality made up of pure and abstract forms and sentiments. That view doesn't apply to love. Love doesn't exist in some vague, disembodied, never-never-land. When we're grounded in adult reality, love as an abstract noun is insufficient and in fact impossible. Love is real when it is consistently respectful, and repeatedly shown in actions that demonstrate caring connection. Violation is hurt, no matter what the presumed underlying sentiment, and no matter how much it was meant 'for our own good.' A cruel father doesn't love us as long as he's cruel. If we add, "he was sick," we really mean he was too sick to love us. When we honor that distinction, we gain the wisdom to see that love is real only when it looks like love, acts like love, and feels like love all over."
February 23, 2023
3.5
Very dense and overwhelming and I do not recommend the audible. It’s monotone and paperback is necessary to make notes on.
There’s great concepts in the book but towards the end it needed to be more relatable and less filled with quotes. It lost me a little bit but some of it was helpful.
Very dense and overwhelming and I do not recommend the audible. It’s monotone and paperback is necessary to make notes on.
There’s great concepts in the book but towards the end it needed to be more relatable and less filled with quotes. It lost me a little bit but some of it was helpful.
December 16, 2013
This really is a good book, just a little overwhelming. I started out really liking it but towards the end just became annoyed that it is quite undoable. I guess you can keep trying though. Some good insights about how your past has shaped your attitudes. Will read more of his books along those lines.
It always ends up I really want to meet these people and get them to analyze me, but they're probably just going to say, "How does that make you feel...How do you feel about that?" so you'll just waste your money. I want some answers!! Not more questions!! :-D
It always ends up I really want to meet these people and get them to analyze me, but they're probably just going to say, "How does that make you feel...How do you feel about that?" so you'll just waste your money. I want some answers!! Not more questions!! :-D
April 28, 2023
enjoyed this one despite some qualms I have about the content (it seemed to value forgiveness over everything and had a bunch of religious references which I only appreciate in small doses). not that richo is wrong or anything. I am just too proud to surrender to a perspective of loving kindness in the face of cruelty.
July 28, 2020
I really enjoyed this book. It’s going to help me for sure be a better person and take care of my relationship better. I really like how it helps you express your pain to your partner in a healthy way instead of in an aggressive way, for example when she/he does sth that hurts you. It is very useful to know how to express your pain with a healthy “ouch” instead of angrily or looking for retaliation.
If everybody acted this way, the world will be for sure a better place to be. I recommend it to everyone.
If everybody acted this way, the world will be for sure a better place to be. I recommend it to everyone.
January 1, 2026
Another really great book by David Richo. I will say, I was not expecting so much of the book to be focused on universal love and was thinking it would be more about romantic relationships. I have read David Richo's How To Be an Adult In Relationships, and I felt that that one is more what I was hoping this one would be. Overall, still a great book, but just more about universal love than relationships.
February 1, 2023
I chose this book because it was a free Audible. I wish I’d also had a paperback to make some notes in.
I felt warm and fuzzy and capable of greater love and kindness listening to this book. The mix of psychology and spirituality was informative and inspiring. Unlike many self help books, I didn’t feel like I was being “coached” to change. Instead it felt encouraging, engaging and supportive, like a guardian or mentor gently educating and reminding me of my own abilities.
I felt warm and fuzzy and capable of greater love and kindness listening to this book. The mix of psychology and spirituality was informative and inspiring. Unlike many self help books, I didn’t feel like I was being “coached” to change. Instead it felt encouraging, engaging and supportive, like a guardian or mentor gently educating and reminding me of my own abilities.
April 28, 2018
Such an intense book, which is why it took me forever to get through! I found myself reading a chapter, and having to sit it down for a few days just to think about what David Richo was truly saying. I'll definitely come back to this book many times throughout my lifetime. It touches on so many aspects of love that I didn't think we were possible.
February 10, 2025
Entering 2025 with things to think about 🖤
= = = = =
Retaliation in Relationships / 10:55:29
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:20:27 PM
A friend doesn’t seem very…reachable, but I must accept the “dividends” of what I receive and not apply a criteria (that I don’t follow myself to others)
Our Fantasy Life / 06:18:24
Thu, Jan 2 | 1:41:24 PM
Spending your whole life evading your emergence
Our Fantasy Life / 06:18:07
Thu, Jan 2 | 1:40:49 PM
Our main sexual fantasy. Password to inner world. To keep re-entering.
Pleasure without Guilt / 06:02:16
Thu, Jan 2 | 12:10:00 PM
An ability to let go of control, essence of sexual fulfillment
Open to Finding / 05:28:23
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:59:36 AM
Ego insists on self-sufficiency
Open to Finding / 05:26:08
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:52:38 AM
Be open to finding rather than needing to find. Connection is something we are receptive to. We keep our eye out for it. Aptitude for discovery.
What It Takes to Change / 05:22:52
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:40:29 AM
That prepwork includes being able to: only accept relationships that promote health, happiness, and personal growth. Give and receive 5 As. No addictions. Accept/embrace vulnerabilities. Show our feelings and be open to those of others. Deal with conflicts and endings. Be perfectly ok with or without a partner. Accept what you can’t change. Change what you can. Wisdom to know difference.
What It Takes to Change / 05:18:54
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:33:06 AM
Stay away from partnerships if you’re needy. Do prep work first.
How We Know We Are Loved / 04:10:03
Mon, Dec 30 | 10:17:32 AM
Super focused on acquiring skills, believing in DOING not just BEING. Yeah…………….
How We Know We Are Loved / 04:09:47
Mon, Dec 30 | 10:16:47 AM
Posturing to garner attention and if it doesn’t work, it makes us look independent (I don’t get it)
3. Our Need to Be Loved / 03:59:02
Fri, Dec 27 | 11:11:14 PM
A parent who cares about their child wants them to grow up and develop independence with every passing year. Possessiveness, control in mother’s love. May attempt to keep adult child via financial indebtedness, her need for constant caretaking. Mom and brother.
Befriending Our Shadow Side / 03:15:21
Fri, Dec 27 | 11:44:52 AM
Deducting our own power via admiration for someone else (pedestal)
Getting Up when We Are Put Down / 03:03:35
Fri, Dec 27 | 11:34:09 AM
Apply the 4A technique when you hear that internal critical negative voice:
ADMIT our pain about the past pain that is still painful now.
ALLOW feeling it, be compassionate to ourselves and those who inflicted it.
ACT in the opposite way of this negative voice (“you are selfish”) and behave opposite that. “You have no feelings!!” Express them. Proves judgments aren’t correct.
AFFIRMATION, repeated to ourselves. Keeps our practice in our awareness.
Trusting Our Ability to Love Mindfully / 02:00:38
Fri, Dec 27 | 5:29:14 AM
Surrender to the way things are. Love.
Introduction / 00:06:24
Thu, Dec 26 | 2:18:06 AM
Showing love whether or not we receive it back. Will probably fail at this on daily basis. But it can be the entire focus of life.
1. What Is Love? / 00:39:04
Wed, Dec 25 | 5:40:03 PM
Six descriptors of love stand out:
CAPACITY (potential to form connections; expression and expectations can damage it),
QUALITY (a way of acting toward others),
COMMITMENT (shows ongoing and enduring dedication, keeping agreements, resolving conflicts),
PURPOSE (determining why we're here and how we fulfill ourselves, manifest love in a style uniquely our own),
GRACE (special help that comes to us from beyond our ego, beyond our control; it can happen if we're open to it),
PRACTICE (it's always up to us to expend the energy it takes to act on love; it takes practice to show love: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing)
= = = = =
Retaliation in Relationships / 10:55:29
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:20:27 PM
A friend doesn’t seem very…reachable, but I must accept the “dividends” of what I receive and not apply a criteria (that I don’t follow myself to others)
Our Fantasy Life / 06:18:24
Thu, Jan 2 | 1:41:24 PM
Spending your whole life evading your emergence
Our Fantasy Life / 06:18:07
Thu, Jan 2 | 1:40:49 PM
Our main sexual fantasy. Password to inner world. To keep re-entering.
Pleasure without Guilt / 06:02:16
Thu, Jan 2 | 12:10:00 PM
An ability to let go of control, essence of sexual fulfillment
Open to Finding / 05:28:23
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:59:36 AM
Ego insists on self-sufficiency
Open to Finding / 05:26:08
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:52:38 AM
Be open to finding rather than needing to find. Connection is something we are receptive to. We keep our eye out for it. Aptitude for discovery.
What It Takes to Change / 05:22:52
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:40:29 AM
That prepwork includes being able to: only accept relationships that promote health, happiness, and personal growth. Give and receive 5 As. No addictions. Accept/embrace vulnerabilities. Show our feelings and be open to those of others. Deal with conflicts and endings. Be perfectly ok with or without a partner. Accept what you can’t change. Change what you can. Wisdom to know difference.
What It Takes to Change / 05:18:54
Thu, Jan 2 | 10:33:06 AM
Stay away from partnerships if you’re needy. Do prep work first.
How We Know We Are Loved / 04:10:03
Mon, Dec 30 | 10:17:32 AM
Super focused on acquiring skills, believing in DOING not just BEING. Yeah…………….
How We Know We Are Loved / 04:09:47
Mon, Dec 30 | 10:16:47 AM
Posturing to garner attention and if it doesn’t work, it makes us look independent (I don’t get it)
3. Our Need to Be Loved / 03:59:02
Fri, Dec 27 | 11:11:14 PM
A parent who cares about their child wants them to grow up and develop independence with every passing year. Possessiveness, control in mother’s love. May attempt to keep adult child via financial indebtedness, her need for constant caretaking. Mom and brother.
Befriending Our Shadow Side / 03:15:21
Fri, Dec 27 | 11:44:52 AM
Deducting our own power via admiration for someone else (pedestal)
Getting Up when We Are Put Down / 03:03:35
Fri, Dec 27 | 11:34:09 AM
Apply the 4A technique when you hear that internal critical negative voice:
ADMIT our pain about the past pain that is still painful now.
ALLOW feeling it, be compassionate to ourselves and those who inflicted it.
ACT in the opposite way of this negative voice (“you are selfish”) and behave opposite that. “You have no feelings!!” Express them. Proves judgments aren’t correct.
AFFIRMATION, repeated to ourselves. Keeps our practice in our awareness.
Trusting Our Ability to Love Mindfully / 02:00:38
Fri, Dec 27 | 5:29:14 AM
Surrender to the way things are. Love.
Introduction / 00:06:24
Thu, Dec 26 | 2:18:06 AM
Showing love whether or not we receive it back. Will probably fail at this on daily basis. But it can be the entire focus of life.
1. What Is Love? / 00:39:04
Wed, Dec 25 | 5:40:03 PM
Six descriptors of love stand out:
CAPACITY (potential to form connections; expression and expectations can damage it),
QUALITY (a way of acting toward others),
COMMITMENT (shows ongoing and enduring dedication, keeping agreements, resolving conflicts),
PURPOSE (determining why we're here and how we fulfill ourselves, manifest love in a style uniquely our own),
GRACE (special help that comes to us from beyond our ego, beyond our control; it can happen if we're open to it),
PRACTICE (it's always up to us to expend the energy it takes to act on love; it takes practice to show love: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing)
January 17, 2025
Personally, after going through an extremely rough breakup I’ve found this book to be extremely eye opening and helpful for my own personal growth. The book challenges you to look into deeper mental processes of your personal values and morals in a relationship and with yourself.
Learning about the 5 A’s and how crucial they really are to multiple relationships have made me realize how important it is to filter out what I need and what I don’t need moving forward with my life. Appreciation, Attention, Allowing, Affection, and Acceptance are all things that we can look at in a deeper way rather than just viewing it from a standpoint of the word itself. It has such a deeper meaning than what I initially perceived.
David Richo really challenged my mind in ways I may have not thought was possible before. This was also extremely helpful as I’m in the Psychology program in University and everything that I’ve learnt through this book has helped me grow mentally and emotionally.
In sum, I believe those that really want to make a change in their lives whether it be in a relationship, for yourself, or the future, read this book! Trust me you will feel every emotion flowing through you as you move through each chapter. This book allows you to open your sides of vulnerability, allows you to put your guard down, lets you put your pride and ego to the side, and will let you flourish in terms of maturing and growing when it comes to what you want. If you’re as emotional as me lol read pages 92-96… I cried as it corresponded to who I was in the past.
Read. This. Book.
Learning about the 5 A’s and how crucial they really are to multiple relationships have made me realize how important it is to filter out what I need and what I don’t need moving forward with my life. Appreciation, Attention, Allowing, Affection, and Acceptance are all things that we can look at in a deeper way rather than just viewing it from a standpoint of the word itself. It has such a deeper meaning than what I initially perceived.
David Richo really challenged my mind in ways I may have not thought was possible before. This was also extremely helpful as I’m in the Psychology program in University and everything that I’ve learnt through this book has helped me grow mentally and emotionally.
In sum, I believe those that really want to make a change in their lives whether it be in a relationship, for yourself, or the future, read this book! Trust me you will feel every emotion flowing through you as you move through each chapter. This book allows you to open your sides of vulnerability, allows you to put your guard down, lets you put your pride and ego to the side, and will let you flourish in terms of maturing and growing when it comes to what you want. If you’re as emotional as me lol read pages 92-96… I cried as it corresponded to who I was in the past.
Read. This. Book.
September 25, 2020
This is the worst book. I should qualify that statement, but I'm almost in shock at it.
I stopped reading this book at 31%, which is the point where the author, if that isn't stretching the word, claims that Harlow's 1950 experiments made young monkeys "autistic and socially fearful". It capped an evening of increasingly horrified reading.
Even if the wording wasn't offensive enought; that's not what Harlow found. In fact, the author had already mischaracterised Henry James so badly I had to check there wasn't another Henry James, and quoted a Henry V speach about war crimes as if it was about love, and on and on.
The book is stuffed full of quotes from famous people used badly, seperated by vague sentances about love that contradict each other on the rare occasions they say anything at all. The overall effect was as if you'd trained an AI to read inspirational captions from instagram influencer posts.
I stopped reading this book at 31%, which is the point where the author, if that isn't stretching the word, claims that Harlow's 1950 experiments made young monkeys "autistic and socially fearful". It capped an evening of increasingly horrified reading.
Even if the wording wasn't offensive enought; that's not what Harlow found. In fact, the author had already mischaracterised Henry James so badly I had to check there wasn't another Henry James, and quoted a Henry V speach about war crimes as if it was about love, and on and on.
The book is stuffed full of quotes from famous people used badly, seperated by vague sentances about love that contradict each other on the rare occasions they say anything at all. The overall effect was as if you'd trained an AI to read inspirational captions from instagram influencer posts.
February 22, 2022
Ce livre soulève plusieurs questionnements au célibataire éploré que je suis. Mon désir d’atteindre un niveau supérieur en amour m’amène plus que jamais à conclure qu’un travail psychothérapeutique s’impose. L'auteur aborde à mon sens des concepts essentiels, tels la pleine conscience et l'égo névrotique qui vient souvent tout bousiller. C'est en assumant nos manques passés que nous identifierons les éventuelles déficits de nos relations présentes et cesserons de rechercher ce dont nous avons besoin là où il n'y a rien.(p.44)
April 27, 2021
really changed my perspective on what love is. a bit Christian for my taste however I think this book beautifully displays that humanity IS love and it is what we're "meant" to do in this life and I have personally found a lot of meaning in that after reading this book. this book also help me further understand the nature of attachment and our potentially addictive relationship to it. game changer!
August 4, 2021
Some parts are practical and very helpful for relationships. Other parts, mostly towards the end, didn’t feel practical, seemed almost preachy - maybe the disconnection is that I am not at that spiritual level yet.
May 20, 2023
This was free with my audible subscription so I decided to give it a go. Most of the book I didn’t find useful, but I’m giving it 5 stars as there was 1 chapter that I think may have changed my whole life! I’m so glad I decided to listen to this audiobook.
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October 28, 2023Love
I appreciate this book, and especially the list in the appendix. Yes, it is a “self help” book. But it offers insight into a topic that is essential to all of us…connections with others…healthy connections.
I appreciate this book, and especially the list in the appendix. Yes, it is a “self help” book. But it offers insight into a topic that is essential to all of us…connections with others…healthy connections.
April 23, 2025
3.5 - some good nuggets but a lot of surface level/regurgitated information but the author admitted in the introduction that the process of writing this book was a big part of making sense of the role of love in his life and that’s how it reads
May 7, 2017
A book about bringing your best and truest self to a realationship. Phenomenal.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 31, 2020
A helpful guide to self-compassion, as well as compassion for others. Lots of examples illustrating unloving vs loving thoughts and practices to begin the neural wiring for better choices.
November 5, 2020
literally life-changing
January 10, 2021
Great lessons and practices. But probably better for someone who is somewhere in the middle with their self work journey - Intermediate level!
March 9, 2021
A little dense but repetitive. I wish it had more life examples to be more relatable bit overall, good concepts and information.
May 23, 2021
Great words but it doesn't say or inspire anything. After 10% I just had to say goodbye
August 8, 2021
Lack of variety in gender pronoun use aside, excellent material that combines science, philosophy and art to point us in the right direction for loving, healthy relationships.
February 17, 2022
One of my favorite books I feel like everyone should read
November 30, 2022
I think it's a great read for anyone on their emotional growth journey.
December 26, 2022
Amazing book !
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