The Big Lie

by Tanya Selvaratnam

A candid assessment of the pros and cons of delayed motherhood.
 
     Biology does not bend to feminist ideals and science does not work miracles. That is the message of this eye-opening discussion of the consequences of delayed motherhood. Part personal account, part manifesto, Selvaratnam recounts her emotional journey through multiple miscarriages after the age of 37. Her doctor told her she still "had time," but Selvaratnam found little reliable and often conflicting information about a mature woman's biological ability (or inability) to conceive. 

     Beyond her personal story, the author speaks to women in similar situations around the country, as well as fertility doctors, adoption counselors, reproductive health professionals, celebrities, feminists, journalists, and sociologists. Through in-depth reporting and her own experience, Selvaratnam urges more widespread education and open discussion about delayed motherhood in the hope that long-lasting solutions can take effect. The result is a book full of valuable information that will enable women to make smarter choices about their reproductive futures and to strike a more realistic balance between science, society and personal goals.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Womens, Health, Parenting, Society, Science

368 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Born in Sri Lanka and raised in Long Beach, CA, Tanya Selvaratnam is a writer and an Emmy-nominated and Webby-winning filmmaker based in New York City and Portland, Oregon. She is the author of Assume Nothing: A Story of Intimate Violence and The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism, and the Reality of the Biological Clock. Her essays have been published in the New York Times, Vogue, CNN, NBC News, SheKnows, McSweeney’s, Cosmo, ELLE, and Glamour among others. She is the Senior Director, Gender Justice Narratives at the Pop Culture Collaborative. She has worked with the Ms. Foundation for Women, NGO Forum on Women, Third Wave Fund, The DO School, and World Health Organization. As a producer, Tanya has collaborated with Glamour Women of the Year, Planned Parenthood, Aubin Pictures, Joy To The Polls, The Meteor, Story Syndicate, and the Vision & Justice Project (Harvard University). With Laurie Anderson and Laura Michalchyshyn, she is a cofounder of The Federation; and she has been an advisor to For Freedoms. She has produced films by Gabri Christa, Lisa Cortés, Liz Garbus, Catherine Gund, Tiffany Shlain, Mickalene Thomas, Lucy Walker, Carrie Mae Weems, and Jed Weintrob, among others. Her projects have played on HBO, IFC, PBS, Starz, and the Sundance Channel; and have premiered at Sundance, Berlin, Tribeca, and SXSW. She received her undergraduate and graduate degrees from Harvard University. Tanya has been a fellow at Yaddo and Blue Mountain Center. For more information, please visit: https://linktr.ee/tanyaturnsup

Reviews

[Tara Brabazon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Do not read this book. Really - do not read this book. Do not buy it. Do not loan it out of the library. Do not put it in your handbag. Do not leave it somewhere near your body. The outcome will be toxic.

In neoliberal times, of deregulation and anti-statism, it is fashionable to blame any group that cannot summon media space to speak back for itself. Indigenous communities and the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgenderist and intersex communities are great examples. They can never overcome the scale of the racism and heterosexism that dominates and punctuates daily life.

But also, there is this large group - the majority actually - who rarely answer back with clarity, diversity and propulsion. That group is composed of women.

This book - literally - blames feminism for the author's infertility. Supposedly, those pesky feminists convinced her that she could 'have it all.' ALL supposedly was a career, husband and baby.

That's odd. My 'all' includes demilitarization, world peace, a reduction in nuclear proliferation, a successfully supported environmental movement and the redistribution of wealth. My vagina is the least of the world's problems.

Here is the issue. Selvaratnam has confused her personal experience with wider political goals. The point of feminism is to value and validate women's choices, to recognize and celebrate the diversity of femininities. The activist goal is to create and enable social structures to allow women room of their own, to make choices with consciousness, agency, respect and responsibility.

Instead, what we have here is a woman making bizarre and dreadful assumptions about women and our lives. About 20% of women in any generation do not have children. They should be respected and acknowledged for their choices. Therefore 80% of women in any generation do have children. They should be respected and acknowledged for their choices. The goal of feminism is to create a world where the plurality of women are recognized and affirmed. Instead, we get phrases in this book like, “The Big Lie is that women can do what they want on their own timetables” and "Did feminism delay motherhood?” and "Have women of my generation been falsely led by feminists to believe that delaying motherhood won’t be a problem?”

Those pesky feminists. Imagine convincing women that they have choices and consciousness and agency?

I am a feminist. The strength I gain from feminism is two-fold. Firstly, I appreciate the lives, the light and the experiences that every woman bring to the planet. I respect their life. I respect their choices. But secondly, feminism gives me space - space to explore - space to stretch - space to be the person I can be. The consequences of being an adult woman with choices is that we must be accountable and responsible for those choices. Feminism is not to blame for errors we may have made. Instead, we must be thankful that feminism gave us all the chance to be fully human, experience joy, experience challenges but most importantly be respectful and responsible for ourselves and our impact on others.

Feminism is not a Big Lie. Feminism gave women - and men - the chance to grow and be something. Be different. Be our best selves.

[Amanda Keck · Rating 2 out of 5]

Felt more like a pity party than an informative book. I think she should have maybe split this into two works, a memoir to include her story and her struggle (which could have made for a touching book) and a separate book with an analysis of women's fertility and options.

[C · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lots of good information.
However, the author is a surprisingly unsympathetic infertility sufferer. (Although I do feel for her cancer-related suffering.) She isn't sorry about aborting a baby in her 20s, but now because of her fertility struggles near age 40, she thinks society should foot the bill for expensive, often futile fertility treatments and relatively unproven interventions (e.g., egg freezing) for women who put off motherhood while pursuing their own personal goals. Women are adults who can live with the results of their choices in life, however much they may regret them later. It's not like we don't know fertility declines with age; no one has lied to us about that, even if we chose not to pay much attention to the warnings when younger. In her disappointment, she ends up infantilizing women as a group by talking as though society owes it to them to make all their dreams, esp. career and motherhood, come true. Everyone, male and female, faces trade-offs in life; adults figure out how to compromise, pursue their top priorities, and accept the consequences of their choices.
She also repeatedly promotes purposely bringing a child into the world without a father, which to me reeks of selfishness about having a child to satisfy the potential mother's wants and very little concern about the welfare of actual children. I was raised part of my life by a single mother, so I know that single mothers are often heroic, wonderful women...but two involved, good parents are better than one. That's math that's not even hard for Barbie.

[M]

I don’t get why she had to shit on feminism but I think it’s a decent accessible but sometimes very emotionally overwhelming book on fertility and biological clock. Things are improving quite a lot especially with assisted reproductive technologies but if having children is important to your self actualization — it is, to me, more than anything — good to know what/how it needs to be planned. I went back to my own planning timeline tbh.

[Bad Penny · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disclosure: I received the book for free through Goodreads First Reads.

Someone else on here (Catherine) already wrote pretty much the exact same review I was mentally composing as I read this book, but I thought I would add mine too.

I really wanted to like this book - it was an easy read and there was a lot of useful information included. But it left a bad taste in my mouth for several reasons. First off, let me say that I approach this biased by my own experience - which I would say is one of my critiques as well (I believe the author also took her experience to be more general than I think is true).

I first identified as a feminist in college, but I guess that since childhood I never thought of putting childbearing as a high priority in my life anyway, so I doubt I made my choices based on any false promise that I could "put off" babymaking until my 40s with no problems (rather, I didn't want kids). However, despite my being driven by motivations of career achievement (rather than reproducing), I do not think that I have ever been misled that female fertility declines rapidly starting in the mid-20s. And I don't think that women, in general, are - by feminism, the medical establishment, or anyone else. Then, come late 30s when I decided to have a baby, I was told by my medical providers that I was certainly not too old and not likely to be infertile like I feared - and I do not think that was a lie. Again, this is based on my personal experience, but most of the women I know who have had kids or are having them now are in their mid 30s to early 40s and I only know of a couple who have had any problems - and I myself have had none. So while it may, overall, be more difficult for women in this age group to conceive, I do not think it is the norm, as I feel that the author suggests.

I can't quite put my finger on why it bothers me so much, but like Catherine's review, I was irked by the author's encouraging women to go ahead and have babies on their own if they haven't found "Mr. Right." Perhaps because I think that while many women really want kids, many of them want to have kids *with somebody* and have a family, not just breed. Sorry to sound old-fashioned or whatever, but, it's a lot harder to date and find a mate once you already have a child - I know from experience that stepfamilies are not an "add partner and mix, instant family!" Additionally, who does Ms. Selvaratnam think can afford to be a single mom if they haven't put in the years and blood and sweat and tears to be a successful, achieving, career mom (or are independently wealthy, or have a ton of family support)? Honestly. We know you can be a single mom without being middle or upper class, but it's hard work and it's stressful.

And finally, I was a little confused by the emphasis on her experience with cancer - I understand that obviously this is an important piece of her overall story and related to her concerns about fertility, but it was a major digression from what I thought the book was supposed to be about.

I got this book thinking it would be a more balanced look at the pressures of society to breed and the reality that although there is a biological clock, it's *not* what we've been told over the years (because my experience has been that while there is some truth to it, much of it is fear-mongering) - instead, I got 245 pages of fear-mongering "FREEZE YOUR EGGS NOW OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE BAYBEEZ!"

[Crissy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard the author do an interview on the radio and I became intrigued. This book took me a while to get through because she repeats things, a lot! The repetitiveness of the information made be bored.(I have to be honest) Still, I kept reading because I could relate to some of the things the author has experienced and I wanted to know her story. So many women have stories to tell about infertility, and if more women talk about it, we will learn more from one another and can help each other. She is very honest and sometimes that is hard for people to take. She provides A LOT of good information, so I would suggest anyone that thinks they may want to have children to read this book. I'm not saying this is the bible of fertility treatments, but she tells her readers to ask themselves questions that may be difficult or take some time to answer.
This book also paints a good picture of what it is REALLY like to go to a fertility center. It makes me angry when I see the way movies/tv handle the topic. They make it sound like you have to do one blood test and then it is on to IVF and then poof, you are pregnant! That's not reality. Not even close. I don't want to give away anything in the book, but the author has A LOT of tests and when you read this book you will understand why. I could tell she is a very strong woman and she speaks from the bottom of her heart as she tells her story. I will end this review with one last comment. If you know of a friend/sister/colleague that is having a hard time getting pregnant, do NOT say "Just relax, it will happen." Please, just don't say it. It's like a punch in the stomach and this book explains it all.

[Steven H · Rating 5 out of 5]

A FEMINIST REGRETS HAVING DECIDED TO ‘DELAY’ TRYING TO HAVE A CHILD

Tanya Selvaratnam is a writer, activist, film producer and actor. (She also had an affair [2016-2017] with New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, who resigned from his office after she and other women made allegations of physical abuse against him.)

She wrote in the Introduction of this 2014 book, “many women believe that they can become mothers on their own timetables. Thinking you can have kids when you are ready is a flawed belief with devastating consequences. I am one of millions who made that mistake. There are excellent books… that address the interplay of feminism and the biological clock. What I’ve tried to do in this book is draw from earlier writings, update the research, present different points of view, and offer my personal experience. This is a story of heartbreak and self-discovery for which no class or book would have prepared me…

“In my research, I spoke with fertility doctors, health professionals, adoption counselors, and sociologists and found that many came to their fields because of a personal experience… This book is about the wisdom I have gleaned by talking to experts and people around the country, as much as it is about my own journey to become a mother. I look at how delaying motherhood interacts with feminism, reproductive science, evolution, popular culture, global economics, female friendships, and governmental policies. I hope this book compels others to reexamine their notions of how families are built and on how we define ourselves---whether we become parents or don’t. I especially hope that in writing this book I can arm others with the knowledge they need to make smarter choices about their future.” (Pg. 11-12)

Later, she recounts, “In the pages to follow, I … examine the root causes for how the trend of delaying motherhood took hold of my generation… Along the way, I will tell you what happened to me during my journey to have a child. After my miscarriages, I considered many options from IVF to adoption. The book I have written is the book I needed… My quest to become a mother began to feel quixotic. By the third attempt, I was angry. My education, parents, doctors, and peers had encouraged me to delay motherhood, and I felt stupid. The language of the biological clock has been around for decades. We just don’t take it seriously now because there are so many other messages that work against it and because it suits us to ignore what we would rather not hear.” (Pg. 33)

She explains, “More women are waiting longer to have children, and more women aren’t having them either by choice of circumstance. The number of women ages 40-44 who remain childless has doubled in a generation, going from 10% in 1976 to 20%... in 2006… Rates of childlessness grew more sharply among nonwhites than whites from 1994 to 2008, with childlessness rates among black and Hispanic women jumping by more than 30%. In the 1970, it was the Baby Boom; now, it’s what the Census Bureau has referred to as the Delayer Boom.” (Pg. 29)

She asserts, “The Big Lie is that women can do what they want on their own time-tables. I heard it after my first miscarriage, at thirty-seven, when my ob/gyn said, ‘You have time.’ The Big Lie is that women can delay motherhood until they are ready emotionally and financially, until they have their careers figured out and have found the perfect partner, and that if they have trouble, then science will find a way to give them a child. But is it a lie or a willing deception?” (Pg. 35)

She laments, “If second-wave feminists had combined the language of ‘do anything’ with a more scientific take on the biological clock, perhaps the ache among women of my generation for the child we can’t have wouldn’t be as profound. When peers in their twenties were having kids, we thought they were making bad choices by not prioritizing their own career ambitions, but when we look at them now, from the riper vantage point of our childless forties, we see that they have what we don’t.” (Pg. 45)

She recounts, “When I began the IVF process, I didn’t think much about its cost. I was lucky to be in a state (Massachusetts) with generous insurance coverage for the treatment. When the process was derailed and I was stuck with thousands of dollars of unused fertility drugs, it hit me how much more disappointing it would have been if I’d had to pay for these drugs myself. I began to think about the exorbitant price of bringing a baby into this world through assisted reproductive technologies (ARTs) and wondered how women in other places coped… many couples simply cannot afford treatment and consequently suffer.” (Pg. 159)

She states, “While our decision to delay might have been clear, we didn’t anticipate the multiple repercussions. For example, a big issue I’m noticing among my friends is that if they are successful at having one child, having another one becomes a problem. It’s almost like an official one-child policy has emerged. By the time some of my friends got around to being ready for another pregnancy, they were too old and decided not to try or had great difficultly and gave up.” (Pg. 193)

She writes, “The year 2012 turned out to be… the year everything fell apart. It had started out so promising, with the hope that we could finally start a family. But then life happened, and by the end of the year, I felt like my life was over. Instead of completely crumbling, however… I kept writing, ‘I will share my story so that others don’t feel like they’re alone… so that they can avoid my mistakes---and make better decisions about their own futures.” (Pg. 224)

But she also clarifies, “I started calling myself a feminist when I was in college… When someone says feminism is no longer necessary I think, ‘Tell that to the mother raising five kids who can’t get paid as much as a man to do the same job; tell that to the woman who is treated as the aggressor when she is raped… and so on. It’s a Big Lie that we don’t need feminism. You might not want to call yourself a feminist, you might not identify with famous feminists; but can’t you get behind what feminism advocates?” (Pg. 237)

She concludes, “For all the debate about ‘having it all’ in work and life, avoiding ‘the conflict’ of modern motherhood, and ‘leaning’ in’ to rise to the top of a career, sometimes the journey cannot be reduced to succinct phrases, and the most important goal is to find fulfillment within.” (Pg. 248)

This frank story of a woman who IS a feminist, will be of great interest to women dealing with such issues.

[Sophia · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took a lot of bravery for Selvaratnam to share her story, and I applaud her for it!

The author does NOT blame feminism for her issues, as some accused her of. Rather, she talks about the freedom to access information on reproduction and fertility as central to feminism. She speaks out about an issue that people rarely discuss due to shame and lack of information-- and that is important. There are a lot of interesting facts and figures in the book, and a well-compiled list of resources in the back.

[Maria · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book included too much rambling. The author did not seem to really want a child for the sake of having a child but rather as a completed task in some checklist. She then randomly throws in facts about the correlation between fertility and age. I finished the book out of obligation not interested.

[Hillary · Rating 5 out of 5]

A courageous, deeply personal and unapologetically feminist exploration of delayed motherhood and infertility. This enlightening and empowering book should be required reading for every woman.

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish someone had given me this book (or at least the information in it!) 10 years ago. Very informative and a worthwhile read for anyone considering postponing having children.

[Wendelle]

This book has an unfortunate incendiary title, maybe someone's editorial choice to get more looks, which is unfortunate because this book is not inflammatory or combative at all. All it does is explain the actuality of the 'biological clock'-- the fact that women's eggs decline in quality and in quantity over time, especially in the late 30s or early 40s. The author was simply presenting this information. During the time of authorship, this was not widely known or emphasized, and she wanted to save a lot of women the pain of discovering too late that decline in fertility could close doors for biological motherhood for them. It's important to state that the author is staunchly and outspokenly feminist, and just wanted women to have complete knowledge when selecting among their array of choices. As she emphasized in the book, she came from the generation that assumed that motherhood can be delayed indefinitely while women pursued a gamut of career opportunities that were arduously won during the early waves of feminism. The lack of reproductive awareness cost her dear. The author shares at length her own personal journey through the calamitous griefs of miscarriage, dashed hopes, harrowing sorrows of unsuccessful fertility treatments. This book talks like a sister, no disclosure too personal in order to help other women be informed. The author's perspective is also worth appreciating as she talks about her South Asian family's dynamic, support structure for pregnant and for grieving women. The book is filled with lots of numbers and extensive quotes from fertility professors, sociology professors, anthropologists, women's rights activists from leading universities. It's also highly personal and poignant, taking us step by step into every diagnosis and doctor's appointment, highlighting for us each sheaf of dossier compiled by the author on fertility treatments and infertility statistics.

[Eva · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some kindle quotes:

In 1960, half of all women were married by the time they were twenty. - location 529


In 1970, barely one in a hundred births were to women aged thirty-five and over. By 2006, that number had jumped to one in twelve. - location 590


“I’m not sure I would have been strong enough to have children, to live that life, and come out the other end with an identity of my own,” Gloria Steinem has said. “The way I came to think of it was that I could not give birth to both myself and someone else. It was a choice.” - location 639


In the early 1900s, Margaret Sanger was prevented from passing out pamphlets about contraceptive options because of the 1873 Comstock Act, which prohibited the distribution of any printed information deemed obscene. As the historian Jill Lepore wrote in the New Yorker, “[The Comstock Act] classified all sorts of printed material as obscenity and specified contraception as obscene so that it [was] illegal to send through the US mail information, even in a philosophical sense, about reducing a woman’s fertility. . . . The courts ruled against her and said, ‘A woman’s right to life gives her the right to not have intercourse with a man.’ Sanger’s argument is that a woman has a right to have sex without fear of death [from childbirth].” - location 762


the number of women having their first child after age thirty-five continues to jump dramatically, from one in twelve in 2006 to one in five in 2012; in 1970, it was only one in a hundred. - location 824


Today, between 1 and 4 percent of all babies in developed nations are born through IVF. - location 1004


Since 1980, the rate of twin births has jumped 70 percent. Twins are conceived naturally just 2 percent of the time, while for those women who get pregnant with fertility treatments the rate can be more than 40 percent. Two-thirds of this increase is specifically because of fertility treatments. With Clomid and other oral drugs, the chance of twinning is about 5 percent. With fertility drug injections, that chance jumps to between 10 and 15 percent.67 The other third of the increase in twins is because more women over thirty are having babies. The female body normally releases one egg per month, but as women age, hormonal changes make them more prone to release two eggs.68 Around 30 percent of women who undergo IVF have twins or triplets.69 According to the National Vital Statistics Report, in 2003, one out of 18 births to women aged thirty-five years or older was a multiple delivery. - location 1035


“As recently as the nineteenth century, physicians argued that the uterus competes directly with the brain for an adequate blood supply. Thus any effort a woman made to nourish her mind through education or career could come only at the expense of her fertility.” - location 1769


There have been reports of babies as young as six months being raped in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. - location 1823


Mundy cited a 2004 study that “found that 40 percent of egg-donor mothers did not plan to tell their children or were unsure what to do.”11 - location 2021


between 1960 and 2009, Mexico’s fertility rate fell from 7.3 children born per woman to 2.4. - location 2728


Africa continues to have high fertility rates (between 6 and 7 in countries like Uganda and Somalia), - location 2730


America’s fertility rate is around 1.93, and continental Europe has an overall fertility rate of 1.5 (with every European country except Iceland considered a low-fertility country). In Germany, the fertility rate has been around 1.4 for forty years.6 Thailand’s is 1.66, and in Japan, where in 2010 one in three women in her thirties and one in five in her forties were single, the rate is an alarming 1.3. - location 2739


Singapore has the lowest fertility rate: 1.15.9 - location 2745


Israel has the most liberal policies for ARTs. All women up to the age of forty-five can have free and unlimited IVF procedures for up to two live births. - location 2945


One doctor said that about three-quarters of his one hundred recent egg-freezing patients had parents who paid all or part of the bill. - location 3015


Israel requires that the imported sperm not be Jewish.102 (This latter requirement is in place because by prohibiting a Jewish sperm donor, the government is lowering the likelihood of certain genetic issues - location 3037


Eleven countries (Austria, Belgium, the Czech Republic, Germany, Hungary, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Portugal, and Slovakia) out of twenty-seven in the European Union permit baby hatches for people to leave their children. (A baby hatch can be a door or flap, usually found in a hospital or social center, with a bed and sensor that sends an alert when a baby has been left inside.) Some countries give the parents ninety days to change their minds and get their baby back. - location 3095


in states that have not banned it, more than 90 percent of the bestselling health plans charge women about 31 percent more than men of the same age. - location 3117


Giveforward.com is a website for medical-expense fundraising. It takes 7 percent of your donations, which are not tax-deductible. - location 3190


In his book about family and identity, Far from the Tree, Andrew Solomon described this resistance: “Parents willing to be interviewed are a self-selecting group; those who are bitter are less likely to tell their stories than those who have found value in their experience and want to help others in similar circumstances to do the same. No one loves without reservation, however, and everyone would be better off if we could destigmatize parental ambivalence.” - location 3262


the number of unmarried couples who live together and have children has nearly doubled since 2002. - location 3408


In an April 4, 2013, op-ed for the New York Times, Lilian V. Faulhaber, an associate professor of law at Boston University, argued that the US tax structure and the absence of subsidized childcare—which exists in countries like France and Sweden—almost incentivizes women, who earn significantly less than their spouses, not to work.56 Childcare is not considered a business deduction, so parents have to pay for it out of after-tax income. - location 3469

[Joel Cigan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book, about The BIG LIE which the author describes as when a woman delays motherhood until later in life to pursue her own ambitions, was a relatively pleasant book to read even though the book feels somehow dated in 2018. It is also a book which discusses the author’s own struggles with a Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumor and her subsequent heartache over the separation with her movie director husband. The latter seemed to collude with the book’s scope.

There were lots of statistics thrown into the book and it seems as though the author took some time doing research on fertility options with In-Vitro-Fertilization or IVF and “egg freezing” at the top of her list. A lot of the stuff I read seemed to be “common sense” and I never found that I had a “MIND-GASM” reading most of the chapters. Perhaps it was due to my own background in the sciences and encounters/dates with women of childbearing age who were disinterested or perhaps disengaged in my advances.

I wonder somehow if middle-income women in their twenties are indeed diligent in saving their money to spend on ARTs or Assistive Reproductive Technologies (perhaps with family support) — passing up “a few good men” that intersect their life paths along the way to achieve a greater sense of self, career mobility and ultimately feminist power.

In one of her chapters, Dr. Paul Turek, a urologist at UCSF states: “Men are encouraged to work hard, shut up, be culturally invisible, to get the work done, and not complain, and deal with it.” But what about these feminist women who are robbing men of their masculinity? Women’s bodies are built differently than men with different hormones. Does a man really want a women who has toiled herself in the rigors of a high stress job weathering herself in the process?

[Lauren J · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. I read the first 34 pages feeling slightly confused…and then I got to the second chapter and read the first paragraph 😳😳 whoa, hello toxicity! This is the opposite of what I thought it would be. I don’t even want to leave this in a neighborhood free library box yikes…

[Suji · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most honest books on motherhood, infertility and feminism.

[Latoya · Rating 4 out of 5]

“When you enter the world of fertility treatments, what you are willing to do is often miles away from what you thought you’d be willing to do. Where you end up is often completely different from what you anticipated.” (p. 225)

The Big Lie is the Tanya Selvaratnam’s story of infertility and loss. In it, she covers a series of events from the time of first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage at age 37. Juxtaposed with her story is her extensive research into the facts of infertility, ART, medicine, health insurance, the history and current state of feminism, and motherhood.

For this reader it was an easy read, but also an insightfully frank assessment of The Big Lie that “women can do what they want on their own timetables” (p.35) – that by ignoring (or not learning the facts about) our biology and delaying motherhood, we do ourselves a disservice that may result in permanent loss of an opportunity. While this book may be most useful for someone in their 20s or early 30s who has not yet thought about the facts of their fertility and who may be able to take advantage of their youth, it also provides value to women in their late 30s, early 40s, and beyond as a call to action. There are lots of facts cited in the book surrounding fertility, IVF success rates, the impact of age on ovarian reserve and fertility treatment, adoption – both international and domestic, egg freezing, sperm quality, the list goes on and on. The author did extensive research that includes interviews, surveys, and a review of statistics.

The author also addresses the state and controversies of motherhood, including being a stay-at-home-mom or a working mom, how we are in the prime of our childbearing years during prime career-building years, and a comparison of work-life balance in the United States to other countries across the world.

I was expecting this book to be particularly judgmental or preachy. Instead, this book gave me new knowledge of my biology as a woman and perked my interest to learn more. The author’s personal account of her, at times, painful journey also touched my heart, and I found myself wishing her all the best for the future. Her struggles with infertility, loss in multiple ways, and strength brought tears to my eyes. I liked that Selvaratnam addressed how women interact with each other as “Friends With Kids and Friends Without” (Chapter 9) and rounded out the book in Chapter 11 with “Action Items for the Future.” I found her ideas to be refreshing on how we should “share your stories,” gain knowledge about our fertility, “free yourself from convention,” and other seemingly simple yet radical things that we can do to learn more about ourselves and our community as women (p. 226). All in all, a book that I would highly recommend for women of all ages to read – single or married, in their 20s to 40s, of all professionals and, particularly, OB/GYNs, academians, professors, mentors, and teachers of young women.

[Lara Girdler · Rating 1 out of 5]

Parenthood is a choice, a very personal choice, some woman make that choice to become parents very early in their lives, some choose to wait until their careers and a marriage are set in stone before proceeding with that choice. Sometimes it’s a young woman who becomes a mother before her ‘prime’ as in teen mother’s – though maybe on purpose, and maybe by accident – either way those children or now rearing children. When a woman waits to have her children she unknowingly is going against Mother Nature and the race against her biological clock. My own mother told me repeatedly ‘don’t wait too long to have kids, if you want them, once you turn 35 it’ll become more and more difficult to get pregnant’ and trust me this was repeated often to myself and my sister, why? Because she did not want either one of us to go into our lives with a basic lack of information on how our biological clocks works and what time will do to us. While she never really explained it in as much detail as our author does, she did tell us that it would just be more difficult.
Personally, I took this advice to head – initially I did not want to be a parent – but then I got married at 23 and something clicked – I decided I wanted to be a Mom. While my husband was initially not so gang ho about the whole thing, he jumped on the wagon pretty easily. We got pregnant without actually really trying, twice! And now we have two beautiful children I wouldn’t trade for the world. However, some of my friends from college did not have such luck – for them it took some doing, with two of them going down the quiet road of infertility. Though neither was shy about discussing their troubles, I got the feeling that they’d have preferred to not have to go down that road at such a young age.
After having read The Big Lie my feelings on the topic and the book are mixed, in terms of the topic I have to agree with the author that the information she presents is vital to young men and women so they have the chance to make educated decisions about their reproductive health. In terms of the book though I found it to be extremely dry, reading almost like a textbook vs. an informational self-help book it was presented to me as. At just over 200 pages of quotes, statistics, and a very personal story, this book was not something I could read all at once, it was just too difficult. I found it hard to get into the meat of the book, and just as I was starting to find myself immersed in the author's story she would switch gears on me and jump into statistics, or quote after quote after quote from this person, or that person, and it just dragged on. If you are looking for information, you can pull it piecemeal from this book; I don’t recommend reading the whole thing cover to cover.
One out of five stars on this one.

**I received a copy of this book from the Publisher in exchange for an honest review**

[Stacy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm very torn as to how I feel about this book, which (1) acts as a warning to women who think that modern medicine will allow them to have a baby later than is feasible and realistic, and (2) explores the author's own experience with infertility in her late 30s and early 40s, complicated with other life events and health complications.

The portions of the book that were related to the first initiative, the warning to women to not wait too long before trying to have a baby, were well researched and well written, and I found myself going to websites and reserving books at the library more than once based on references in the book. The portions having to do with the author's own story were also well written and poignant, but started to detract from the first message. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a non-fiction resource book or a memoir.

Some of my lingering dissatisfaction at the end of the book was that the author simply did not cover as much as I thought she would. Sure, I learned all about IVF and the work/family struggles of the upper middle class. But I would have also liked to learn more about the logisitics, considerations and challenges associated with adoption, embryo adoption, and other ways that people become parents. The author breezes over adoption as if it were an afterthought, perhaps because it was not a part of her own story. Wouldn't a complete book dealing with the challenges of choosing motherhood later in life delve a little deeper into adoption, a likely option for those who cannot bear children themselves because of age-related infertility? It would not necessarily detract from the warning message because it would present the facts and ultimately let the reader decide whether s/he views these as options.

Overall, I still think the book is a good resource, and will start the conversation about delaying motherhood. I agree that women need to be more informed about their options and timeline for having children. I just wish the lens through which the author viewed the issue were a little wider.

[Marisa Rosa-alvarado · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't agree with several of the comments saying that the author is promoting having children before one is ready. As a woman who is 30 and did what she was "supposed to," by going to college, graduating, getting married, and waiting to even think about kids until we were ready mentally and financially, I wish I had known more about my fertility so I could have made better choices.

I think this book starts a dialogue of allowing women to be educated about their own biology so they can have all the information they need to make the choice that is best for them. If I had known all of the statistics instead of relying on this ideal that I could get pregnant when I wanted to whenever I wanted to, I might have done my fertility work up sooner and not waited so long to weigh my options where now time is the enemy and decisions have to come faster than one would like.

The idea of women empowering themselves by being informed is not a message of "have kids when you're 18-25 whether you're ready or not," but more of a message of "these are the possibilities if you wait and don't be surprised if the choices you've made with the information you had doesn't go your way." A diagnosis of infertility, especially one that is unexplained is heartbreaking. This information should be shared with all women so they can take control of their own fertility and make the right decisions for their lives and their futures. As I said, I wish I would have had this book in my early 20s so my choices would have been made more carefully with the proper information about what could and could not happen.

[Anne · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book raises a lot of good points, and I agree that women need to know this biological truth and be encouraged to think honestly about their future families. But the tone is off-putting and the format of this book lacks clarity. I really did value learning about the author's personal experiences. It was courageous of her to put them out there so publicly, and I applaud her for sparking a conversation. Unfortunately, the book offers no direction for women who might be considering these issues. She is openly dismissive of religious perspectives that have quite a bit to add to the discussion of modern femininity and the physical, emotional, and spiritual significance of fertility.

Edit to Add: I should clarify that the concluding chapter does offer practical steps for women considering these issues-- i.e by the time you are 21, you should do X and by the time you are 35, you should do Y. There is just no resolution, no step further in terms of the existential issues-- what does it mean to be a woman and be physically able to give life? If this is a fundamental biological reality, how should we think about that as part of what it means to be a woman? Those questions are left unanswered.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend my age who recently found out she and her husband were pregnant recommended this book to me.

At 29, already past our peak fertility year, few of our friends from college are pregnant and fewer are talking about plans for motherhood, even those already in committed relationships or marriages. It is fascinating to me that we are so highly educated in certain areas but have truly never been educated on the topic of fertility. The author encourages women to talk about motherhood early and often if it is something you know you want.

This book was educational for me and I appreciated the author's bravery of telling her own story. She frequently quotes Cat Moran, whose book ("How to be a woman") I read not too long ago and loved, and one of their most important calls to action is to share your own stories when it comes to fertility, motherhood and career-balancing, and to be open-minded in hearing those of others. The more we all talk about these out loud and publicly, the less alone women will feel and the more change we'll bring to our families, workplace, and society.

[Liz Vega · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's an important book and one that should be required in the education of all young girls. I am the mother of three girls and I will make sure they are aware of their fertility clock and the different tests that are available to help us make good choices as women. Perhaps the author will work on developing some type of sex-ed curriculum to go along with this book. It is incredibly surprising how misinformed we can all be about fertility (both women and men). Yes, there is quite a bit of repetition in this book as other reviewers point out but it is because the author is passionate about all the points she is making. I especially enjoyed her story, an ambitious project--Brava! and the way her failed pregnancies and cancer diagnosis are woven in.

[Kari Matadobra · Rating 5 out of 5]

"What an unbelievable thing to hear you are too old to have a child just when you are 100 percent ready to have one." Marianne Weems (Adoptive mother of 1), as quoted by Selvaratnam. This author does a great job of incorporating other people's stories into this book. It follows not only her path (which goes into a little more detail than I needed, but still relevant), but the paths of many other women as well and the biology behind reproduction and infertility treatments. When I read that fertility begins to decline at 27 years of age...it was a bit upsetting to see that written down, but makes sense as my body has changed in my late 20's. The chapter on "What the Experts wish you Knew" was also enlightening. Thank you Ms. Selvaratnam for writing this book, I will recommend it!

[Esther · Rating 3 out of 5]

The inability to have a child is of course an extremely large issue, with all kinds of baggage trailing from it, so I can forgive the author for sounding whiny from time to time. While I confess that a number of these statistics were new to me, the overall picture wasn't, and I'm curious about this supposed epidemic of women who think they can just blithely start having children in their forties. Clearly they exist, or there wouldn't be so many of them in her book, but I can't say I've ever met one. I liked the way the book was divided up between purely informational sections and story sections, though this was an extremely personal story, which ultimately, wasn't that interesting to me.

[Lindsay · Rating 2 out of 5]

I enjoyed parts of this book. I enjoyed her personal story, and the fact that it was interwoven with some intriguing facts. I think it's a great book to back the idea that the United States needs better rights for their women in terms of treatments, employment regulations for women, affordable child care, etc. I didn't like that there was a push behind it to encourage women to freeze their eggs, yet much later she alludes to the cost of this procedure, which is not feasible for most families. The whole book went on a little too long.

[May · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would recommend this book to women to read as soon as possible to learn more about the realities of their fertility. The structure of the book is a little old. Educational and thought provoking essays wrapped up in the context of a personal infertility memoir. I feel as if people who want just the more technical information would find the memoir aspect not so interesting. However, having all the information wrapped up with a personal story does humanize the numbers and provide context for people who may not have any. Overall, highly recommended.

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read an interview with this author on CNN, was compelled to read her book.
Her story of infertility is sad and she strongly makes the point that women need to be more educated on the reality of decreasing fertility with age. That being said, she so strongly promotes having a baby when you are younger, irregardless of your relationship status, that she doesn't seem to take into account that many women, while desiring a family, want to make one with a partner and not on their own.

[May-Ling · Rating 4 out of 5]

informative, smart and empathetic. at the age of 35, I don't know a lot about the subject, I'm ambivalent about kids, a die-hard feminist, and yet thinking about the realities of my body at this life stage. This book gave me facts, advice and much to consider as I think about my own life.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful in self intuition. If you need help with understanding motherhood or feminism, this book is your go-to.