Once upon a time, Kira and her 2 BFFs got into messy situations with 3 brothers and hurt each other and made a vow they’d never get involved with those boys again, no matter what. It’s not actually explained what went down, because presumably Bloom wants to build some suspense around it for later. It’s not particularly important, and given what this book is like, the reveal won’t be worth the wait.
The boys finish high school and go to California where they are become tech billionaires. I.E. evil monsters but still somehow heroes, like vampires are, and we’re not allowed to hope they get staked. The girls stay in town and Kira is about to start work as a high school teacher, and one of her BFFs is now a cop and the other probably does something else. Urgh, teachers. Sorry teachers, but your job keeps showing up for heroines and its boring. Teaching is a grim, thankless, poorly paid and dangerous profession and once upon a time it used to be something in fiction that made it clear that this person cares about children and education. I’m not into it. I’m not into cops either, and I won’t be into whatever the 3rd girl is into, which I’ll never know about because I can’t get further than 8% into this book: it’s awful.
At the 8% mark this book has already been so stupid I can’t deal with it. I was a little interested in the no date pact, but only because there’s a 0.01% chance that the girls will all stick to it because it’s both important to keep promises you make to your friends, and a good idea on its own because the boys all suck. There’s a 0.005% chance that they try to do something adult about it that will be difficult but will end with a friendship that will remain strong for the rest of their lives.
That early interest waned when grown up Kira is reintroduced, sitting in a café and watching townspeople gather to murmur at each other. The last time Kira recalls this happening was a rumour about bestiality that turned out to be true. In recounting it, Kira tells it as ‘that boring time everyone thought that guy boinked a sheep but defended himself by saying it was a goat, and then his wife divorced him and took the goat with her and hey, I guess that wasn’t boring after all.’
Am I a grump to not be amused by an anecdote of a man raping an animal, where the punchline is someone makes it so he can’t rape it anymore?
The answer is no. The answer is why isn’t this treated as a crime? The answer is that it’s still barely funny to giggle about how maybe people sleep with sheep, but since we’re all now more brain conscious of animals having rights (and yes I will keep eating them because they are delicious, but I still want them cared for and killed humanely before they end up on my table), and raping one is horrible. Minus 1000 points to Kira’s character, for finding this funny.
What everyone is murmuring about is the return of the 3 tech boy billionaires. They are going to build a technology building outside town and employ people. Hooray for the small town economy? This makes no financial sense for their company. The book knows it, too, but simply pointing out that you’ve put something in your book that you know is a bad idea doesn’t make it any less of a bad idea: it still looks like really lazy plotting. And fictionally, no one is shaping up to go all Veronica Mars on this place, so: blah.
Rich starts POVing from his company plane, en route to Kira’s town. He likes his brothers, hates his parents, and is seated beside a silent beauty who is his fiancée of convenience. She’s secretly gay which is great for him, because she’s the right sort of wealthy and he can use her as a shield. No more nagging from parents to find the right girl: there she is. And she won’t make any relationship demands. He’s already musing about how he’s doing all this to get Kira back, if he can.
And that sums up Rich: self-centred boy child with mummy and daddy issues. Minus 10,000 points, since he’s also evil.
Then one of his brothers is all: I’m spontaneous and amusing! Let’s get the parachutes and jump out of the plane!
Rich doesn’t want anyone jumping out of the plane so he tells his stupid assistant to bring him the parachutes. The assistant goes to open the door on the plane and the brothers are all: no, dummy, that’s the door to the outside of the plane. And the assistant is all: oh, phew lol, I thought it was a closet.
So let’s be very clear: in the world this book inhabits, it’s possible for this young white male to be so lacking in spatial awareness and object permanence that he cannot tell the limits of the confined space he entered only hours ago. And/or: all the stupid doors on the stupid private plane look the same for some stupid reason.
I cannot let this go. I mean, the bestiality looks pretty bad, but this is dumb. Really, really dumb. Couldn’t someone involved in this book have looked at awful photos of rich people on Instagram, and realised this joke won’t work?
I did that thing with reading where I know this book is lost to me, that I’ll never believe in this world and I already don’t think much of the heroine, where I keep going for a little longer anyway. Just another chapter or two, to absolutely confirm that nothing gets better.
It doesn’t. I’ve left the book with Kira at a party at the big stupid mansion that Rich is resentfully paying for to house his horrible parents, and I’m out mid-sentence with Kira is catching up with one of the other brothers, and telling him as a hobby she makes sweaters for pet rodents. Urgh, a teacher and quirky. This girl is the worst. And she’d checked in with her friends before accepting the invite to the party, to ensure it wasn’t breaking their pact, and they urged her to go, because: sure. The plot can’t go anywhere otherwise, and we all have to at least try to pretend for a little while that the friendship vow is important.
I’ve reached a point where I don’t want any of these people to have any happiness in their lives. I’m outraged that they are all guaranteed happy endings they will do nothing to deserve. The only character I didn’t hate was the secretly gay fiancée, and I like to imagine that she somehow manages to escape the books and find happiness.