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Here and Gone: Coming of Age As My Father Comes Undone
Once sharp, now senile. His decline was gradual but felt quick—as though one day, he was kind, strong, and able-bodied; and the next, he was cruel, cachectic, and incontinent.
Here and Coming of Age As My Father Comes Undone is a candid telling of the unmaking of the author’s beloved father, who faded away before her eyes due to a neurological condition that, initially, no one could seem to name.
This memoir explores the marked impact an illness can have on the mental health of the sufferer’s loved ones. The author was seventeen, an only child, and knew no one her age who was living a similar experience. While navigating ambiguous loss during her young adulthood certainly led to the unraveling of her own fragile self-esteem, ultimately, it helped turn something painful into something purposeful.
For anyone who’s struggled with a parent’s chronic illness, especially the thousands of young people riding this roller coaster, Here and Gone welcomes readers to embrace their true feelings—not just those they believe they are supposed to have.
Here and Coming of Age As My Father Comes Undone is a candid telling of the unmaking of the author’s beloved father, who faded away before her eyes due to a neurological condition that, initially, no one could seem to name.
This memoir explores the marked impact an illness can have on the mental health of the sufferer’s loved ones. The author was seventeen, an only child, and knew no one her age who was living a similar experience. While navigating ambiguous loss during her young adulthood certainly led to the unraveling of her own fragile self-esteem, ultimately, it helped turn something painful into something purposeful.
For anyone who’s struggled with a parent’s chronic illness, especially the thousands of young people riding this roller coaster, Here and Gone welcomes readers to embrace their true feelings—not just those they believe they are supposed to have.
340 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 19, 2023
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
June 28, 2023
I do not typically include written reviews with my ratings here on Goodreads, but I felt compelled to make an exception in the instance of this outstanding and powerful memoir. The author has taken her extremely challenging and heartbreaking personal experience of grief and loss and turned it into something fearlessly and uncompromisingly written. Almost everyone has to deal with the illness, deterioration, and ultimate loss of their parents in their lives, but the experience of going through this in the college years of early adulthood is sadly unique.
As someone who knew the author during this time in her life, my more deeply felt reaction to the writing she has done here is amazement at the tenacity and positivity I always knew her for, as a friend, coworker, and fellow mentor to the students we served as RAs. I never knew what Erika was dealing with during that time, a time in life when the typical college student has a ton of stuff happening in their lives already. After reading Here and Gone, I would be amazed anyway at the way Erika balanced life as a successful college student with the circumstance of dealing with the illness of a parent, but having seen firsthand how she juggled all this (usually with a smile on her face), I am even more in awe. I am reminded of the saying about being kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle of their own.
It’s hard to say that such a personal and at times painful story was an enjoyable read, but Erika’s style of writing made me want to keep listening to her story, even when my heart was breaking for her. The chapters are many, but typically fairly short- I don’t know if this was a conscious choice by the author to make the story easier to digest, but I liked it.
A through line of much of the book was uncertainty about what exactly was going on with Erika’s dad, José. It helped to have the denouement of a diagnosis provided near the end of the story- this gave needed perspective and explanation for José’s behavior towards Erika as his condition worsened. This final explanation seems like it should be a given in a book like this, but I can see how another author might have just chosen to include all the negative stuff that happened without providing the lens of a diagnosis for it to make sense. This isn’t a surprising choice given Erika’s career as a mental health professional, but I am still glad that she chose to help readers understand what had happened to her dad, and also that she has been able to make peace with the fact that it was truly her father’s illness and not the man himself that caused such heartache during his decline.
I would encourage anyone who’s ever dealt with grief and loss to read this book, especially if you’ve lived through the gradual loss of a loved one to a form of a dementia. Erika has written a beautiful, and real, testament to the pain of watching someone you dearly love slip away, and how it is possible to continue on despite such loss. Not forgetting them when they’ve been gone for a month, or a year, or several years, but living a purposeful life while keeping their memory close to our hearts.
As someone who knew the author during this time in her life, my more deeply felt reaction to the writing she has done here is amazement at the tenacity and positivity I always knew her for, as a friend, coworker, and fellow mentor to the students we served as RAs. I never knew what Erika was dealing with during that time, a time in life when the typical college student has a ton of stuff happening in their lives already. After reading Here and Gone, I would be amazed anyway at the way Erika balanced life as a successful college student with the circumstance of dealing with the illness of a parent, but having seen firsthand how she juggled all this (usually with a smile on her face), I am even more in awe. I am reminded of the saying about being kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle of their own.
It’s hard to say that such a personal and at times painful story was an enjoyable read, but Erika’s style of writing made me want to keep listening to her story, even when my heart was breaking for her. The chapters are many, but typically fairly short- I don’t know if this was a conscious choice by the author to make the story easier to digest, but I liked it.
A through line of much of the book was uncertainty about what exactly was going on with Erika’s dad, José. It helped to have the denouement of a diagnosis provided near the end of the story- this gave needed perspective and explanation for José’s behavior towards Erika as his condition worsened. This final explanation seems like it should be a given in a book like this, but I can see how another author might have just chosen to include all the negative stuff that happened without providing the lens of a diagnosis for it to make sense. This isn’t a surprising choice given Erika’s career as a mental health professional, but I am still glad that she chose to help readers understand what had happened to her dad, and also that she has been able to make peace with the fact that it was truly her father’s illness and not the man himself that caused such heartache during his decline.
I would encourage anyone who’s ever dealt with grief and loss to read this book, especially if you’ve lived through the gradual loss of a loved one to a form of a dementia. Erika has written a beautiful, and real, testament to the pain of watching someone you dearly love slip away, and how it is possible to continue on despite such loss. Not forgetting them when they’ve been gone for a month, or a year, or several years, but living a purposeful life while keeping their memory close to our hearts.
July 4, 2023
I always refrain from giving reviews on anything because I am a rambler and ultimately I feel a little like Andy on The Office when he says “I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Maybe I could be a food critic. ‘These muffins taste bad.’ Or an art critic. ‘That painting is bad.’” However, I feel compelled to write this one because of how much this book touched me. My mother suffers from dementia secondary to another condition and the onset occurred while I too was in high school. While Erika’s father and my mother did not have the same condition, there are a lot of similarities in what Erika and I experienced at young ages. It was extremely difficult going through adolescence while trying to take care of a parent when all you want to do is be young and carefree like your friends and classmates. You build up a lot of walls to protect yourself which ultimately affects how you build relationships with others during your young adulthood. You feel like you’re not doing enough. You feel angry. A lot.
Even though there are parts of Erika’s story that are heartbreaking to read, it doesn’t feel heavy because of how engaging her writing is. I kept wanting to read more. Also the short chapter lengths made this easy for me to squeeze reads in throughout the day which can often be difficult with work and a kid. While I don’t think I’m insightful enough to be a book critic, I will say this book is better than good. It’s great. I would highly recommend it to anyone but especially to those of you with a loved one who has dementia if only for you to know that you’re not alone.
Even though there are parts of Erika’s story that are heartbreaking to read, it doesn’t feel heavy because of how engaging her writing is. I kept wanting to read more. Also the short chapter lengths made this easy for me to squeeze reads in throughout the day which can often be difficult with work and a kid. While I don’t think I’m insightful enough to be a book critic, I will say this book is better than good. It’s great. I would highly recommend it to anyone but especially to those of you with a loved one who has dementia if only for you to know that you’re not alone.
July 4, 2023
“Here and Gone” is one of those books that, once started, you can’t put down. It immediately draws you into the author’s life as she leaves high school and enters college, only to find her father’s demeanor changing for no known reason. The story details circumstances that many teens and college students go through, and yet the author finds she now has the added stress of her father becoming increasingly dependent and verbally abusive.
The author has a way of weaving her story that captures her emotional struggles and puts you right in the middle, as if you’re her best friend. You feel her pain, her fears and her constant need to have her father “back to normal” when, instead, he is slowly leaving her.
This book is a well told, comforting and helpful story for anyone going through the struggles of a loved one’s illness that can change one’s personality. The book is also a great read on its own merit, relatable to a larger population since most everyone has difficult things going on in their lives. The coping and strength that the author shows throughout the book is palpable.
“Here and Gone” is a testament to the love of a daughter for her father and the resilience found as things don’t change for the better. It’s a story that is sadly common and yet it shows that you CAN get through the tough times in your life.
Here and Gone: Coming of Age As My Father Comes Undone
The author has a way of weaving her story that captures her emotional struggles and puts you right in the middle, as if you’re her best friend. You feel her pain, her fears and her constant need to have her father “back to normal” when, instead, he is slowly leaving her.
This book is a well told, comforting and helpful story for anyone going through the struggles of a loved one’s illness that can change one’s personality. The book is also a great read on its own merit, relatable to a larger population since most everyone has difficult things going on in their lives. The coping and strength that the author shows throughout the book is palpable.
“Here and Gone” is a testament to the love of a daughter for her father and the resilience found as things don’t change for the better. It’s a story that is sadly common and yet it shows that you CAN get through the tough times in your life.
Here and Gone: Coming of Age As My Father Comes Undone
October 9, 2023
Such a poignant, vulnerable and important story of courage and resilience. It is the epitome of a lighthouse built to connect isolated ships weathering similar storms.
July 22, 2023
A beautiful recounting of a daughter's love for her father and the challenges therein when his sickness turns him into someone unrecognizable. This book is heartfelt from beginning to end and perfectly captures so many emotions - overwhelming love, loneliness, the highs of being a high school and college student juxtaposed with the lows of being a caretaker. The author brings you right along with her; I couldnt put it down. Looking forward to re-reading!
July 13, 2023
I read this book in 2 days and had a hard time putting it down! Erika articulates the confusion, frustration and difficulty of a parent's condition in an honest way. I highly recommend this book, especially to those with a parent or loved one that is going through a similar illness. For those who can relate to having parents who are too young to be ill, this book helps with the feeling of isolation.
April 11, 2024
Here and Gone is one of those books that stays with you for a long time. Erika Vargas has a way of bringing us right into the mindset of a high school and then college student in a way that is so viscerally effective, I recalled the heightened emotions of that age with greater clarity than I have in years. Being brought back into that headspace makes reading what Erika lived through even more breathtakingly poignant. To have navigated such a tumultuous and heart-breaking conclusion to the end of her father’s life, in juxtaposition with all of the joys, first loves, breakups, successes, failures, and questionable decisions that are part and parcel of adolescence and early adulthood, is remarkable. Erika’s radical honesty is something often missing from memoirs, and she doesn’t pull any punches. This is a book I will return to time and time again, and I have no doubt I will take away new lessons with each reading. I look forward to reading what Erika writes next.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews