The Other Man: 21 Writers Speak Candidly About Sex, Love, Infidelity, & Moving On

by Paul Alan Fahey (Editor), Jeffrey Ricker (Contributor), David Pratt (Contributor)

Who is the other man?

He’s an accident waiting to happen: the skateboarder round the bend, the smiling barista with the extra hot mocha, the computer geek eager to retool your mate’s hard drive. He’s a relationship gatecrasher bound by no rules and with no sense of fair play. Like Caesar, he comes, he sees, he conquers. On the flip side, you or I can be the other man, charging in and breaking the bonds of a committed relationship without a thought to the pain and misery inflicted upon the injured parties. Face it: We’re not all innocent bystanders in other-man scenarios.

The Other Man is an artistic collaboration by and about gay men and their relationships. If you’ve ever been the other man, had him invade your life, or are just plain curious about this beguiling, unpredictable and dangerous creature, then this anthology of personal essays is for you. Twenty-one of our most acclaimed authors, many Lambda Award winners and finalists, write candidly about either being the other man, suffering the other man or having their relationships tested by infidelity. What they tell us is we must take heart, it does get better and one day our luck is bound to change. We’ll survive the bumps and detours in our relationships and weather the storms, or resolve to move on. Along the way, we’ll hope to meet someone new and simpatico, maybe even our long-awaited soul mate. Life will be good again. Or will it?

Contributors include: Perry Brass, Austin Bunn, Rob Byrnes, Mark Canavera, R.W. Clinger, Lewis DeSimone, Paul Alan Fahey, Wes Hartley, William Henderson, Allen Mack, Jeff Mann, Tom Mendicino, Erik Orrantia, Felice Picano, David Pratt, Glen Retief, Jeffrey Ricker, Rodney Ross, Jason Schneiderman, Philip Dean Walker, and Chuck Willman. Edited by: Paul Alan Fahey.

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this anthology will go to the It Gets Better Project.

Genres: Gay, Nonfiction, Memoir, Anthologies, Humor, M M Romance

248 pages, Paperback

First published April 9, 2013

About the author

PAUL ALAN FAHEY writes for JMS Books. He is the author of the Lovers and Liars series and the editor of the 2013 Rainbow Award-winning anthology, The Other Man: 21 Writers Speak Candidly About Sex, Love, Infidelity, &Moving On. His first LGBT novella,
The View From 16 Podwale Street, published by JMS
Books, won a 2012 Rainbow Award. Over the years, his writing has appeared in numerous literary journals such as Byline, Palo Alto Review, Long Story Short,
African American Review, The MacGuffin, Thema, Gertrude, Kaleidoscope, and in a variety of fiction and nonfiction anthologies from Carry the Light, Cup of Comfort, My Mom’s My Hero to Writing on Walls, and Somewhere in Crime. He lives on the California
Central Coast with his husband, Robert Franks, and a gaggle of shelties.
For more information, visit paulalanfahey.com.

Reviews

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Posted at Shelf Inflicted

I was ecstatic to get the opportunity to read this collection of stories, especially since Rodney Ross, author of The Cool Part of His Pillow, is one of the contributors, and I really loved his first book.

Each of the stories in this collection is deeply personal and candid and offers different perspectives on infidelity. Human emotions are very complex and relationships are hard work, requiring commitment from both partners. Life is full of unexpected changes and I really enjoyed reading these struggles to adapt and grow in spite of relationship difficulties.

Even though this collection focuses on gay relationships, there is something in here for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Jeffrey Ricker explores online dating after he had his heart broken in What If?. The relationships with men looking for something on the side were fun, but he wants more.

In The Rival With a Thousand Faces, Glen Retief is living with the love of his life in Spain, but learns that living with a deeply closeted man who is away from home a lot and has secrets of his own can be as difficult as coping with the difficulties of living in a foreign country. I loved the literature references and need to read Graham Greene.

Stung and humiliated by his last cheating boyfriend, Jason Schneiderman now plays hard to get in The Hat Prize. He learns his new date, Michael, has a boyfriend, but they enjoy each other’s company. Since Jason didn’t have to worry about falling in love, his relationship with Michael proceeded naturally without having to deal with all the pressure and awkwardness of a first date. Very sweet story.

In Husbands, Austin Bunn left his boyfriend when their education and careers took them separate ways. He discusses his affairs with married men, the advantages and disadvantages, at the same time exploring their motives and discovering more about his inner self and his own needs.

R.W. Clinger's In the Brokenness of Summertime explores the effects of infidelity on a long-married couple. The anger, hurt and guilt pouring from the pages was just heartbreaking. This is an intense and unsettling story, but the ending made me giggle.

In Any Resemblance to Actual Persons, Living or Dead, Is Entirely Coincidental, Tom Mendicino describes his own experience with Hal, a married man looking for discreet sex with men on the side and how he was the inspiration for a character in his first novel.

Mark Canavera learns that his lover, Ousmane, is having a virtual relationship in Complicity. He remembers his own affair that occurred just a few months before and even though Mark’s transgression was worse, the impact is the same. Will they be able to forgive each other? I liked the glimpse of life and troubles in West Africa.

In Turbulence, Chuck Willman shows how lies and deception impact everyone involved.

Some people think that it’s perfectly acceptable to “fuck around” during periods of extended absence. Of course, for such relationships to work there has to be openness, honesty and a set of ground rules. Allen Mack’s Just Wally and Me was a lighthearted, warm and funny story that made me smile.

Rob believes he’s an actor, even though he hasn’t worked in many years. Infidelity can break hearts…so can unfulfilled dreams. David Pratt’s Way Off explores the challenges of professional acting and a relationship in turmoil. This was a very sad story.

Morris Hartman is a lawyer…and a huge fan of author Perry Brass. He’s also straight, married and in the process of coming out. Perry is intrigued by this man, even though he has had disappointing experiences with fans in the past. They meet and have an affair. It’s not so simple. A Pitiless Love uncovers the emotional pain that can be suffered by the one who cheats.

Paul Alan Fahey’s Where Are You Going To? shows how the music you listen to can define special moments in your life.

I loved Jeff Mann’s Thomas. This is a really sad and lovely story that explores a man’s overwhelming pain and emotions from loving someone who doesn’t love him back. Time does not always heal wounds.

In Erik Orrantia’s Ballad Echoes, Erik feels responsible for taking care of his HIV+ lover even though their love has died. He falls for another man who is not so perfect either, but he manages to learn from his mistakes and move on. Relationships can never be perfect, because people are not. I hope Erik is happy.

In Philip Dean Walker’s The Other Side of the Game, Phil has had his eyes on a buff dude at the gym for over two years. He has a vibrant online life and a boyfriend, but that doesn’t stop Phil from making a date with him. The two men have an affair while Drew’s boyfriend is studying abroad. The boyfriend returns, but Phil is unable to let go.

In the sexy Three’s A Charm, Wes Hartley talks about how he met his 16-year-old boyfriend, Riley, while he was in a relationship with the boy’s uncle, Ronny. Riley is not out yet, and is looking for a sexual mentor. This consists of no more than friendly head and sleepovers. Once Riley gains his confidence and skill, he comes out to his uncle and meets Tanner, a hot number close to his own age. The sleepovers continue…

Lewis DeSimone conveys the intense passion and overwhelming emotions of first love in Last Tango in Cambridge. This is a beautiful and heartfelt story.

William Henderson’s You Without Me is a very intriguing story told in the second-person point of view about an unhappily married man who does not reveal this fact to his new lover. His lover slips back into old ways. I liked the intimate feel of this story.

Rodney Ross and his partner have been together 30 years. In And Then There Was One, he tells amusing tales about the couples they know whose relationships failed. Wisely, they have chosen not to take sides.

Felice Picano’s The Child, is not about a child at all, but about a man who was the author’s partner’s “other man.” In the 70’s, gay relationships were open until HIV began to change things. This story deals with illness, death, grief and the messiness associated with it.

In A Brief History of the Divorce Party, the party was originally a holiday party until Rob Byrnes’ partner announced he was in love with someone else. It doesn’t have to end up badly. Time passes and life changes. Couples who have had history together can still be good friends and learn from their mistakes.

I enjoyed every single one of these personal stories and loved how they explored the complexities of relationships with humor, warmth and sensitivity.

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this anthology will go to the It Gets Better Project.

[A.B. Gayle · Rating 5 out of 5]

To say that “The Other Man” is all about infidelity is short-changing the subject and defining the concept by very narrow values. While it’s true that for many readers and reviewers, infidelity is a deal breaker, the fact that these essays are all based on actual experiences makes them an intriguing study of this taboo topic.

Each essay shows a different aspect of the picture, making the issue less black and white and much more complex.

Firstly, Jeffrey Ricker details how while young, single and desperate he often found himself hooking up with married men when he used online dating services. This suited both parties as he wasn’t looking for commitment and neither were they. He states that according to the Kinsey Institute, between 20 and 25 percent of men engage in extramarital sex at least once during their marriage. Other studies put the number between 30 and 60 percent. Yet, during his summer of sin, the author never once saw himself as a home wrecker. In fact, he often felt he was the only one who saw anything wrong with what he was doing. Finally, he realized that there was a difference between fun and happiness and he wasn’t going to find the latter with someone whose heart was already spoken for. When he finally settled down, his relationship “wasn’t in the least bit open.” He was too selfish for that.

While living in a country where gay men were forced to remain in the closet, Glen Retief’s discovered that his rival was not a single person but many. His partner believed in monogamy but “had problems with truthfulness” and because sex had always been done on the sly, it had become a habit that his lover found impossible to break.

The more traditional concept is explored in the next story. After being cuckolded by his last boyfriend Jason Schneiderman had been determined to ease his way into his next relationship: “no longer falling into bed on first dates” only to discover that the man he is platonically dating already has a boyfriend who lives in another city. Unwittingly, he has become “The Other Man.” They decide to make it “just sex” and the person he is with is candid about their relationship with his current boyfriend. The strange thing is, that by eliminating the pressure of forming a committed relationship and worrying about love, the author relaxes and finds he really enjoys the time they spend together as well as the great sex. Time doesn’t stand still though and gradually things change.

The next story, by Austin Bunn, also involves straying husbands. In the essay, he describes the pro’s and con’s both for himself and them. According to him, married men have been trained by their wives to seduce and weren’t beyond using these wiles to catch available gay men. “They knew the triggers, the lingo, their niche in the market.” Inevitably a lot of the men he met were conflicted between their competing thoughts: heterosexual self image and homosexual desire. Denial predominates as they resist what they don’t want to think about. He thinks that the forbidden nature of these encounters might also explain why sex with straight men is such a common attraction for many gay men. What could have been a sordid story turns into an interesting look into this very common situation as it explores the possible motives for both types of men. For a time, “Married men validated my freedom without threatening my loyalty, just as I did for them.”

Another married man features in the next story by R.W.Clinger but this time the man is emotionally paired to the author and bleeds for him, literally, when he gets the guilts for being unfaithful. This is the viewpoint of the man betrayed. In highly charged prose we are led to feel the torment and jealousy after the confession. Then the mental breakdown of both parties as they try to come to terms with the infidelity. Intense emotions matched by intense, disturbing writing.

Tom Mendicino’s essay recounts an episode which later inspired his novel, “Probation” about a married man with unfulfilled homosexual cravings.

Some of the contributors to the anthology are authors, others have blogs. One of these is Mark Canavera who writes for the Huffington Post and worked for a time as a humanitarian aid and development worker in West Africa. While in a relationship with a local man he intercepted emails from his lover to someone who was described as “the only one who loves me.” However, earlier the author was himself discovered cheating, so the story revolves around the justification for doing so and the way infidelities eventually have to be laid to rest. “The parties must declare a truce; they must lay down their weapons. There is not any other way to cure them.” Forgiveness, yet another side to the concept of “The Other Man”.

A chance hook-up in an airport toilet kicks off the next story by Chuck Willman. This finds another angle, the hurt that can be caused to “The Other Man” who can be totally oblivious that he fills that position.

I really enjoyed “Just Wally and Me” by Allen Mack. In this case, “The Other Man” scenario covers how they, as a committed couple were affected by stories of their friends breaking up because of infidelity and resolved to set rules to live by when they were apart. “Neither of us expected the other would or should remain celibate.” “Outside sex was, to us, simply an adventure, not affection.” They were open about these encounters which sometimes even led to threesomes. However, on one occasion the rules were broken. Once was enough. An ultimatum was issued.

In “Way Off”, David Pratt, (author of “Bob the Book”) discovers that the threat to the committed relationship wasn’t another person but another thing. In this case, his boyfriend’s dream of becoming an actor. Infidelities were forgiven as they were caught up in a belief that if things were different they could be up on stage and become something they felt they were always meant to be.

Success was something the next author, Perry Brass had, in the guise of a book called “How to Survive You Own Gay Life: An Adult Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships.” The success of the book resulted in fan letters and many were from one persistent man. Despite being in a committed relationship for twenty years and the fan recently being divorced they have an affair. When it finally ends, we hear of the anguish this caused the author and the painful recovery process as he honestly bares his soul. Sometimes, the one who bears the brunt of the pain is the one who strays.

Many of those who contributed stories write now from the comfort and security of long term relationships. Thirty-seven years in the case of the editor of the anthology, Paul Alan Fahey. But before he found his soul-mate, he too had an early relationship “based on movie fantasies of romantic love.” As the romance waned and they drifted apart, he was picked up, almost literally, by a guy he thought of as a real jerk, but he was desperate. Even as he drives off with him, he’s mentally making excuses and imagining what is going to happen if his boyfriend finds out. It’s only when he’s listening to a particular song in the car that he realizes that there will be no going back. In other words even if nothing ever comes of it, sometimes it needs an encounter with “Another Man” to make it clear that the current relationship isn’t working.

Jeff Mann’s touching story chronicles the hurt felt by the “Other Man” when the furtive affair finishes, especially when the intensity of feelings was never reciprocated. Even twenty years later and in a happy relationship for the last fourteen years he recalls the way he was totally besotted even knowing that the end was inevitable. “Somehow I sensed that I’d never encounter such passion again, and I was determined to live it to the hilt as long as I could, despite the guilt I felt in deceiving Dick, despite the looming loneliness bound to come.” Poem after poem was written. “It was a once-in-a-lifetime ardor and inspiration, I thought. I was right.”

“Ballad Echoes” revolves around Spanish songs the author learned in Mexico from his lovers. The lyrics often expressed what he was feeling. In this case, feeling he was responsible for looking after his HIV infected lover and keeping the relationship going despite the fact love was no longer present and he’d fallen for another man. Ultimately both affairs ended but they taught him valuable lessons to take into a more lasting relationship.

Philip Dean Walker’s essay focuses on what happened when the Other Man was someone lusted after for some time. What should he do when this demi-God asks him out even though he knows he has a conveniently absent boyfriend. “It was easier just to hop into bed without a second thought….” Later he comments that: “The other man can pretend he has his man’s heart, and can even fool himself that he’ll leave his partner one day.” Inevitably he has to endure the “emotional jet lag one experiences in going from such a high to such an unfathomable low in a short amount of time.” After the demi-God goes back to his boyfriend, the author bemoans the fact that he can’t let go.

In Wes Hartley’s story, he outlines how he met his current boyfriend while going out with the young man’s uncle. We are assured that this is purely in an avuncular mentoring way as, like all teenagers, the kid needed a lot of head. The fact that the younger man hooks up with another even younger man, doesn’t faze anyone. As Wes says, “Three’s a Charm.”

In “Last Tango in Cambridge” Lewis DeSimone starts by relating how he was pulled out of the closet by suddenly falling in love with someone who was already taken. But when they eventually fell into bed together, it was sex in its rawest form. “It wasn’t sex we were afraid of; it was love.” He is told in surprise that “it was possible to love two people at once.” He states that he wasn’t “so oblivious as to believe our affair was innocent.” Yet he was romantic enough to believe that “Love is stronger than ethics.” He blamed it on reading too many novels, telling himself that great love requires great pain. In hindsight he believes it was the type of relationship that he needed at that stage of his life. His stolen lover became his mentor and taught him about literature, music, but being “in love” didn’t mean the same thing to them both. It was a perpetual romance, and they didn’t spend enough time together to grow tired of each other. The tedious aspects of life never cropping up to spoil the fantasy. Ultimately, the author realized it would never be enough, but he remembers his first lover as he was, “a creature caught in amber. Something beautiful I can pick up now and then…” and he wants to keep him preserved like that to remind him of a time when he it seemed possible that “romance would never end.”

“You Without Me” by William Henderson once again involves a married man having sex with a male, but this time, the narrator is the married man, finally getting to the point when he can admit that he is gay and is no longer interested in being married to his wife of a dozen years. For once, the present tense suits the tale perfectly, with the action unfolding for both the writer and the reader at the same time, just as mystifying to both because it is such new ground.

Rodney Ross, author of "The Cool Part of His Pillow” amusingly relates how he and his partner are The Other Couple. The college sweethearts who are still together thirty years later. As such they have become the sounding board for less fortunate couples who break up. Over the years, they witness the redrawn dinner lists, the battle over custody of the dog, and worst of all are often forced to take sides, sticking by their friends, or at least the one who ends up using the third plate at their dinner table when the relationship breaks down.

“The Child” by Felice Picano draws a picture of another type of third wheel. In this case, an open relationship that spanned sixteen years ended up with a body-builder being mentored by his partner. Unfortunately, that partner died and Felice was forced to pick up the burden of keeping an eye on an adult who couldn’t look after himself.

The final essay relates how the author stubbornly continued to hold a prior arranged party after being jilted by his partner of ten years. The fiasco became known as The Divorce Party and the entertainment wasn’t what the guests expected.

The strength of the anthology rests in the variety of slants each author contributes to the topic. The writing style is varied and the prose flows smoothly. No single story stands out or drags the others down by being inferior. I only found one typo: palette for palate.

[Kazza]

Great authors. Interesting topic - love it or hate it. Plus, a portion of the proceeds go to a good cause -

A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this anthology will go to the 'It Gets Better Project'

[Wandering Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful collection of personal essays ranging from the dramatic to the comical. Each one makes for enjoyable and/or insightful reading. Several of them truly made me feel the emotions being conveyed as if it were my own story. I am sure that I'll reread some of these essays in the future. Good job, Guys!!

Now I'll have to find time to look up several of these contributors and add other works of personal interest to my to be read lists.

[Elisa Rolle · Rating 5 out of 5]

2013 Rainbow Awards Honorable Mention (5* from at least 1 judge)

[Donna LaValley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an excellent anthology. Paul Fahey brought 21 stories together, each true -or mostly true- about the experience of having someone else enter his relationship. In some cases, the experience was of being that other man. Each story had something wonderful in it.

Most were written with the wisdom of 20-20 hindsight, looking back with humor, gentle reflection, or of lessons learned. Some stories go back to the time when AIDS was a mysterious killer taking their friends away. The stigma of being gay increased and kept many men in the closet, but it also made coming out more important, an act of bravery.

The writers were frank about their emotions and intimacies. In some cases you can feel like a voyeur when reading them. There's graphic sexual content, deep sorrow, and quiet pride over the successful, long term marriages and partnerships. This book is to be greatly admired!

[Alex Vogel · Rating 4 out of 5]

The uninspired cover didn't look all that promising, but this turned out to be a worthwhile read. All stories appear to be autobiographical and most of them were written well and involved a good amount of depth. Some were more on the humorous (often self-deprecatory, which I like) side, others rather melancholy and evocative. I laughed out loud but also shed a couple of tears.

Out of all the stories, there were just four that did not quite meet the niveau of the other ones. Then again, those made the other stories shine more in comparison. Each story though approached the subject from a different angle, and I would be totally up for a second Volume.

I had hoped to find more autobiographical writing by the featured writers, but sadly, not much luck here. Overall though this made me curious about similar anthologies.

[Mitch · Rating 2 out of 5]

This collection of short stories about infidelity in gay relationships has scored high ratings, but not from me.

Why?

~Because it was a book full of betrayals, broken trust and broken hearts, hurt and pain, possible reconciliation and forgiveness- and let's not forget all that excellent sex and short-term bliss.

In other words, just what you'd expect from a book about infidelity.

My criticism isn't about the storytelling skills the writers displayed; it's about the depressing effect of reading one infidelity story after another. Whether it's gay, straight or some other possibility (could be anything these days...) it's one downer of a subject even if ultimately redeemed.

It was almost enough to drive me to romance novels.

-I say that, but in reality I'd be cheating on romance novels with a good fantasy or sci-fi novel in some dark corner...

[Cathy Brockman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Normally I do anthologies individually but this one has so many stories and they are all pretty short it would be hard to do without spoilers. I have to say this is a very beautiful heartfelt compilation of essays form some very fabulous authors. I appreciate them baring their heart and souls and sharing their experience with the Other man or being the Other man. All of these stories will touch your heart and most will make you cry. Awesome job!
Recommendations: If you like true stories, anthologies and stories about the other man, Gay men coming out, or living closeted lives, living as gay men in the past , living with aids and some really good heartfelt stories. This is a must read.

[Hazel · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is about relationships and what is the deal braker. These are authors who are excellent and portray the heartbreak and complexities of relationships. This book would help anyone in a relationship but especially the gay man. But this information is wise and useful so don't let that stop you from reading. I rated this high as it was a very good book with useful and wise information.
I received this book free to review. It did not influence my review.

[Allen Mack · Rating 5 out of 5]

Greatly varied in scope and subject matter, but consistent in high quality writing, The Other Man should be read by all: gay, straight, in or contemplating being in a relationship.
The 21 true stories tell of experiences - tragic through funny - that have occurred in the authors' lives. Each engrossing in its own way.
Highly recommended.

[willowdog · Rating 4 out of 5]

21 authors write amazingly diverse memoirs on the theme of infidelity in gay relationships. Honest and revealing portraits of longing and loving the unavailable person in a committed relationship or being the "wronged" person in the committed relationship and the challenges this creates. Found it funny and perceptive.