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Objavte v sebe dobrého rodiča
V posledných rokoch vyvolala psychologička a spisovateľka Becky Kennedy rodičovskú revolúciu. Obracali sa na ňu rodičia, ktorí sa odrazu ocitli v zložitých situáciách vyvolávajúcich pocity frustrácie, vyčerpanosti a bezmocnosti. Ich spoločná túžba však bola rovnaká: všetci chceli byť lepšími rodičmi.
Autorka zosumarizovala všetky poznatky o vzťahovej väzbe, všímavosti a rodinných konšteláciách, čo boli teoretické prístupy, ktoré boli súčasťou jej súkromnej praxe, a snažila sa pretransformovať tieto myšlienky do metódy práce s rodičmi, ktorá by bola konkrétna, prístupná a zrozumiteľná. Jej výchovný model je efektívny, no zároveň nenarúša blízkosť medzi rodičom a dieťaťom. Je zástankyňou jasne stanovených hraníc, rodičovskej autority a pevného vedenia pri súčasnom zachovaní pozitívneho vzťahu, dôvery a rešpektu.
V knihe Objavte v sebe dobrého rodiča sa s čitateľmi a čitateľkami podelí o svoju výchovnú filozofiu a ponúkne im mnoho užitočných a praktických stratégií a metód, ktorých cieľom je blaho rodiča a súčasne blaho dieťaťa. Autorka zároveň ponúka riešenia konkrétnych situácií v oblastiach ako separačná úzkosť, agresívne emočné výbuchy, súrodenecká rivalita, vzdor či problémy so spánkom.
Všetci chceme vnímať naše deti ako dobré deti, seba vnímať ako dobrých rodičov a pracovať na tom, aby sa nám všetkým žilo pokojnejšie. Je to možné. Nemusíme si vyberať. Môžeme mať všetko.
Autorka zosumarizovala všetky poznatky o vzťahovej väzbe, všímavosti a rodinných konšteláciách, čo boli teoretické prístupy, ktoré boli súčasťou jej súkromnej praxe, a snažila sa pretransformovať tieto myšlienky do metódy práce s rodičmi, ktorá by bola konkrétna, prístupná a zrozumiteľná. Jej výchovný model je efektívny, no zároveň nenarúša blízkosť medzi rodičom a dieťaťom. Je zástankyňou jasne stanovených hraníc, rodičovskej autority a pevného vedenia pri súčasnom zachovaní pozitívneho vzťahu, dôvery a rešpektu.
V knihe Objavte v sebe dobrého rodiča sa s čitateľmi a čitateľkami podelí o svoju výchovnú filozofiu a ponúkne im mnoho užitočných a praktických stratégií a metód, ktorých cieľom je blaho rodiča a súčasne blaho dieťaťa. Autorka zároveň ponúka riešenia konkrétnych situácií v oblastiach ako separačná úzkosť, agresívne emočné výbuchy, súrodenecká rivalita, vzdor či problémy so spánkom.
Všetci chceme vnímať naše deti ako dobré deti, seba vnímať ako dobrých rodičov a pracovať na tom, aby sa nám všetkým žilo pokojnejšie. Je to možné. Nemusíme si vyberať. Môžeme mať všetko.
320 pages, Paperback
First published September 13, 2022
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August 8, 2024
I have a lot to say about gentle parenting in general, and this book in particular.
Firstly, the things it gets right:
Developing a close, considerate, caring relationship with your child based on mutual respect is probably the primary indicator of whether you will have a successful outcome.
Desire for parental attention is frequently the cause of negative behavior.
Spending one-on-one time with your child on a regular basis can prevent much of that negative behavior.
Children should be treated with respect and not as adversaries. Their behaviors should get the most generous interpretation and least aggressive correction.
I’ve read all the parenting books. Literally -- it’s my hobby. There are plenty of people who have great outcomes using more authoritarian methods. And it’s because they aren’t just feeding and clothing their kids and putting them into time out. They genuinely care about their kids, inside and out, and work with them to help them grow into their potential. They are just stricter about boundaries and less indulgent of emotions. If you truly care about your kids they will notice, they will like you, they are more likely to care about what you care about.
This book does have some great content. I don’t hate all of it. And there are plenty of other parenting methods (RIE, modern Montessori, Love and Logic) that have super-weird aspects to them, some of which are counterproductive. When you read a parenting book, you are reading someone’s deeply biased opinions, and you need to bring your brain and a shaker of salt.
Gentle parenting starts with the assumption that you need to develop a deep connection with your kid, and that you should give them the respect and benefit of the doubt that you’d give yourself or other adults. Try to understand why they are behaving poorly, so you can address the root cause, rather than just reacting to and managing the behavior itself.
So far so good.
However, it shortly dives off the deep end, making the parent completely responsible for the emotional world of their children.
I want to take a moment and talk about what happens when clinical psychologists write parenting books. Thomas Boyce posits the theory that most kids are dandelions and will do well no matter where they grow. But some kids are orchids. If they don’t get hothouse attention, they will have terrible outcomes.
Here’s the thing about clinical psychologists like Dr Becky – they only see the orchids. Most of the universe has managed to parent reasonably well for millennia without Gentle Parenting methods. But there are always kids who need a bit more, and those kids – or at least, the ones from middle-class families – are the ones who end up in the psychologist’s office. And those are the kids and families upon whom Dr Becky and her ilk base their theories.
What am I saying? There are definitely kids who may benefit from this kind of intensive parenting. But they are the minority. So take a deep breath. You’re probably doing fine.
Okay, now let’s move on to what Dr Becky and Co definitely get wrong.
Gentle Parenting is the azimuth of helicopter parenting. Helicopter parents micromanage what their kids eat, how they study, who they hang out with, and what they do in their spare time. The goal is to optimize the outcome for your child. But GP takes it one step further and says the parent can also optimize the emotional landscape of the child.
The rationale behind this is pseudoscientific babble. Kids cannot regulate their emotions well (fact). Therefore, you need to help them (okay). And if you don’t do it the right way, the kid will grow up emotionally unhealthy and be unable to have functional adult relationships (whaaaat…?!).
I’m not making it up, she says this on pages 45, 76, 92, and 99 and more. It’s coercive pseudoscience to frighten parents into following her. Everyone who is alive is a little bit messed up and everyone can blame their parents for it if they choose. So it’s not a huge jump to believe that if you can do better than your parents you can have perfectly well-adjusted kids. Unfortunately, this is just not true. Humans are flawed. Existence is flawed. Life is imperfect. Parenting your child's emotions may benefit the child in some areas, but will create different, unanticipated imperfections elsewhere.
Let’s look at the most wackadoodle example Dr Becky gives. She says that if your child observes anything that you think is a Big Deal, you should verbalize it to reinforce that it happened. For example, if you argue with your spouse, and your kid overhears, you should say “Mommy and Daddy used loud voices.” You don’t need to reassure them or interpret. You just need to confirm what they heard. If you don’t do this, she says, your child will doubt what they saw, grow up unable to trust their own interpretations of reality, and therefore be unable to stand up to peers and do what’s right (p99).
K people. First off, I would love to see the studies on who stands up to their peers. I’m sure they exist. However, I will wager that not a single one of the people who excel at resisting peer pressure had parents who clarified the obvious to them. Why? Because it’s a weirdo thing to do and nobody would do it unless Dr Becky told them to.
Which brings us to the most conceited point of all. Gentle Parenting gurus say that you need to do this stuff so your child grows up to be emotionally healthy. None of this stuff is intuitive, and it has no track record outside their highly specific clinical experience. Just think about it a minute: they’re saying that none of the trillion or so humans who have existed on planet earth thus far have been emotionally healthy. However, starting NOW, there will be emotionally healthy people, if you follow this book. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? After 10,000 years of human existence, God finally sent a prophet to teach us how to raise kids right, and that prophet is Dr Becky.
I could give examples all day of where Dr Becky and her colleagues push practices that will surely backfire. But I’m going to pick just one because this is a GoodReads review, not a substack essay.
Dr Becky gives the example of a kid who is reluctant to go in to a birthday party.
The traditional parenting way is to push the kid in while saying “It’s fine! It’s a birthday party! You’ll have fun! See you in an hour,” and leave.
If you do this, Dr Becky says, your child will doubt their emotional reactions. They will grow up unable to trust their intuition about danger. And they will surely end up in bad relationships, being abused, because they don’t trust themselves to assess situations.
To prevent this, you should reflect and validate their emotions until they feel ready to go in. And if they never do? Well, that’s fine. That means they have self-confidence and won’t grow up to blindly follow their friends and do whatever everyone else is doing (page 99).
K, well I’m a parent of three. Here’s how this would go down with my fearful middle kid. He doesn’t want to go in to the birthday party. I validate and reflect his emotions. Now he is convinced that it's scary, since I’m not providing guidance that it’s not. He continues to refuse to go in.
I had plans to run errands, so I end up taking him along. As soon as he has enough distance to see the situation objectively, he is full of regrets and has a meltdown. Instead of running my errands, I’m now once again validating and reflecting and sitting with him in his big feelings.
I’m feeling frustrated, but Dr Becky says I should do self-care. She doesn’t mean bundle him along sobbing in the supermarket wagon, because that would be minimizing his feelings which are Big and Valid. She means I should take deep breaths and validate to myself that this is hard but worth doing, as I watch my entire Sunday get screwed up (p108).
However, if I do have a meltdown myself, I should regroup with my child later. We need to debrief the birthday thing, and then do a Repair ceremony where I apologize for being upset. We have now spent at least 90 minutes of the day just hashing over our emotions related to this birthday party, plus the emotional residue of all the unpleasantness has tainted the entire day.
I suspect this method is going to produce kids who spend way too much time analyzing their inner world, and who expect the outer world to revolve around their findings. (Edit: there is now preliminary evidence that kids taught to navel-gaze like this become more anxious and *less* functional.)
Here’s how it would go if we did it the traditional way: My child is scared of this new situation. He looks to me, the adult, for guidance on how to handle it. I tell him it’s a birthday party. It’s safe. He will have fun. *Maybe* I validate that new situations are frightening. But feelings don’t always match reality.
He is still reluctant. Maybe I offer him the choice to stay or go. But with adult prescience, I probably give him a hug and leave. He is resentful at first, but ends up enjoying himself. He learns that while fear is Real and Big, it is not always Valid. He learns that fear can hold you back from opportunities. Moreover, he learns that his parent can and will provide solid guidance. I get my errands done. He has fun. Everyone has a good day. My child is now slightly more resilient.
Do you know what's *really* interesting? When it comes to daycare drop-off, Dr Becky does it my way. The parent is supposed to briefly reassure, promise to return, and then GO. Suddenly we aren't worried about bodily autonomy, consent, and contradicting their reality. We don't worry about them having to process their emotions without us. I find it interesting that daycare drop-off is a boundary that no GP guru violates. (Janet Lansbury is equally cool about leaving your kid screaming in the classroom.)
Here's another example. Not of something that I think is necessarily wrong, but something that is different, with repercussions. Dr Becky rails against sticker charts multiple times in her book. I find it odd, because sticker charts are for “start behaviors” (things you want your kid to do) while most of her book addresses “stop behaviors” (things you want your kid to stop doing). (This terminology is from "1-2-3 Magic.")
If your child has no intrinsic motivation to complete something, you can either bully them (authoritarian parenting), or you can provide extrinsic motivation (authoritative parenting), or you let them skip it (permissive parenting).
The sticker chart is the easiest form of extrinsic motivation that a parent can provide. It is promoted by parenting methods that value the parents' time and mental well-being.
The GP method is, of course, much more labor intensive. A gentle parent must jolly the kid along, making it fun with games and songs (which need to change regularly as they become old and boring). In the GP method, the parent is both the sticker and the prize. This is cohesive with the view that everything needs to be about relationship-building. It also reflects the belief that your children cannot handle anything emotionally difficult without help. They are simply not expected to grit their teeth and power through on their own.
Gentle Parenting is not completely new. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" was published in 1999 and suggests treating kids with respect and consideration. (I think it's a great book -- highly recommend). "Kids, Parents, Power Struggles" by Kurcinka was published in 2001. However, the primary thrust of Kurcinka was to develop a close relationship with your child, NOT that you are responsible for managing their emotions.
Kurcinka, for example, says if your kid doesn’t want to set the table, you do a song-and-dance about it. (Notably, in her example the song-and-dance didn’t help anyway and the kid ran to her room. So not only did the parent have to set the table, they didn’t get to prep the food either because they spent 15 minutes on a futile bonding exercise.) However, Kurcinka doesn't suggest that you follow your child to their room (lest they, God forbid, be "alone in their feelings") or debrief later to analyze their feelings.
To be fair, I do think the parent should debrief this situation with the kid and talk about how to avoid it in the future, preferably with less effort from the parent. This is for the parent's benefit. However, I also think the debrief should include pointing out to the child that their behavior affected other people. This little detail is blatantly missing from the pages of all Gentle Parenting books. Dr Becky seems to believe that placing value on how others are affected by your behavior will turn your child into a doormat. While it's important for kids to have boundaries, it's also important to consider other people. That's necessary for our crowded society to function.
"The Whole Brain Child" and "Good Inside" add a peculiar emotional effort to the parental burden. I am not convinced that children will really appreciate this, long-term, or that it will create children who are socially aware. It will be very interesting to see what kind of parenting books get written by the kids who are raised with Dr Becky’s method.
Firstly, the things it gets right:
Developing a close, considerate, caring relationship with your child based on mutual respect is probably the primary indicator of whether you will have a successful outcome.
Desire for parental attention is frequently the cause of negative behavior.
Spending one-on-one time with your child on a regular basis can prevent much of that negative behavior.
Children should be treated with respect and not as adversaries. Their behaviors should get the most generous interpretation and least aggressive correction.
I’ve read all the parenting books. Literally -- it’s my hobby. There are plenty of people who have great outcomes using more authoritarian methods. And it’s because they aren’t just feeding and clothing their kids and putting them into time out. They genuinely care about their kids, inside and out, and work with them to help them grow into their potential. They are just stricter about boundaries and less indulgent of emotions. If you truly care about your kids they will notice, they will like you, they are more likely to care about what you care about.
This book does have some great content. I don’t hate all of it. And there are plenty of other parenting methods (RIE, modern Montessori, Love and Logic) that have super-weird aspects to them, some of which are counterproductive. When you read a parenting book, you are reading someone’s deeply biased opinions, and you need to bring your brain and a shaker of salt.
Gentle parenting starts with the assumption that you need to develop a deep connection with your kid, and that you should give them the respect and benefit of the doubt that you’d give yourself or other adults. Try to understand why they are behaving poorly, so you can address the root cause, rather than just reacting to and managing the behavior itself.
So far so good.
However, it shortly dives off the deep end, making the parent completely responsible for the emotional world of their children.
I want to take a moment and talk about what happens when clinical psychologists write parenting books. Thomas Boyce posits the theory that most kids are dandelions and will do well no matter where they grow. But some kids are orchids. If they don’t get hothouse attention, they will have terrible outcomes.
Here’s the thing about clinical psychologists like Dr Becky – they only see the orchids. Most of the universe has managed to parent reasonably well for millennia without Gentle Parenting methods. But there are always kids who need a bit more, and those kids – or at least, the ones from middle-class families – are the ones who end up in the psychologist’s office. And those are the kids and families upon whom Dr Becky and her ilk base their theories.
What am I saying? There are definitely kids who may benefit from this kind of intensive parenting. But they are the minority. So take a deep breath. You’re probably doing fine.
Okay, now let’s move on to what Dr Becky and Co definitely get wrong.
Gentle Parenting is the azimuth of helicopter parenting. Helicopter parents micromanage what their kids eat, how they study, who they hang out with, and what they do in their spare time. The goal is to optimize the outcome for your child. But GP takes it one step further and says the parent can also optimize the emotional landscape of the child.
The rationale behind this is pseudoscientific babble. Kids cannot regulate their emotions well (fact). Therefore, you need to help them (okay). And if you don’t do it the right way, the kid will grow up emotionally unhealthy and be unable to have functional adult relationships (whaaaat…?!).
I’m not making it up, she says this on pages 45, 76, 92, and 99 and more. It’s coercive pseudoscience to frighten parents into following her. Everyone who is alive is a little bit messed up and everyone can blame their parents for it if they choose. So it’s not a huge jump to believe that if you can do better than your parents you can have perfectly well-adjusted kids. Unfortunately, this is just not true. Humans are flawed. Existence is flawed. Life is imperfect. Parenting your child's emotions may benefit the child in some areas, but will create different, unanticipated imperfections elsewhere.
Let’s look at the most wackadoodle example Dr Becky gives. She says that if your child observes anything that you think is a Big Deal, you should verbalize it to reinforce that it happened. For example, if you argue with your spouse, and your kid overhears, you should say “Mommy and Daddy used loud voices.” You don’t need to reassure them or interpret. You just need to confirm what they heard. If you don’t do this, she says, your child will doubt what they saw, grow up unable to trust their own interpretations of reality, and therefore be unable to stand up to peers and do what’s right (p99).
K people. First off, I would love to see the studies on who stands up to their peers. I’m sure they exist. However, I will wager that not a single one of the people who excel at resisting peer pressure had parents who clarified the obvious to them. Why? Because it’s a weirdo thing to do and nobody would do it unless Dr Becky told them to.
Which brings us to the most conceited point of all. Gentle Parenting gurus say that you need to do this stuff so your child grows up to be emotionally healthy. None of this stuff is intuitive, and it has no track record outside their highly specific clinical experience. Just think about it a minute: they’re saying that none of the trillion or so humans who have existed on planet earth thus far have been emotionally healthy. However, starting NOW, there will be emotionally healthy people, if you follow this book. Pretty amazing, isn’t it? After 10,000 years of human existence, God finally sent a prophet to teach us how to raise kids right, and that prophet is Dr Becky.
I could give examples all day of where Dr Becky and her colleagues push practices that will surely backfire. But I’m going to pick just one because this is a GoodReads review, not a substack essay.
Dr Becky gives the example of a kid who is reluctant to go in to a birthday party.
The traditional parenting way is to push the kid in while saying “It’s fine! It’s a birthday party! You’ll have fun! See you in an hour,” and leave.
If you do this, Dr Becky says, your child will doubt their emotional reactions. They will grow up unable to trust their intuition about danger. And they will surely end up in bad relationships, being abused, because they don’t trust themselves to assess situations.
To prevent this, you should reflect and validate their emotions until they feel ready to go in. And if they never do? Well, that’s fine. That means they have self-confidence and won’t grow up to blindly follow their friends and do whatever everyone else is doing (page 99).
K, well I’m a parent of three. Here’s how this would go down with my fearful middle kid. He doesn’t want to go in to the birthday party. I validate and reflect his emotions. Now he is convinced that it's scary, since I’m not providing guidance that it’s not. He continues to refuse to go in.
I had plans to run errands, so I end up taking him along. As soon as he has enough distance to see the situation objectively, he is full of regrets and has a meltdown. Instead of running my errands, I’m now once again validating and reflecting and sitting with him in his big feelings.
I’m feeling frustrated, but Dr Becky says I should do self-care. She doesn’t mean bundle him along sobbing in the supermarket wagon, because that would be minimizing his feelings which are Big and Valid. She means I should take deep breaths and validate to myself that this is hard but worth doing, as I watch my entire Sunday get screwed up (p108).
However, if I do have a meltdown myself, I should regroup with my child later. We need to debrief the birthday thing, and then do a Repair ceremony where I apologize for being upset. We have now spent at least 90 minutes of the day just hashing over our emotions related to this birthday party, plus the emotional residue of all the unpleasantness has tainted the entire day.
I suspect this method is going to produce kids who spend way too much time analyzing their inner world, and who expect the outer world to revolve around their findings. (Edit: there is now preliminary evidence that kids taught to navel-gaze like this become more anxious and *less* functional.)
Here’s how it would go if we did it the traditional way: My child is scared of this new situation. He looks to me, the adult, for guidance on how to handle it. I tell him it’s a birthday party. It’s safe. He will have fun. *Maybe* I validate that new situations are frightening. But feelings don’t always match reality.
He is still reluctant. Maybe I offer him the choice to stay or go. But with adult prescience, I probably give him a hug and leave. He is resentful at first, but ends up enjoying himself. He learns that while fear is Real and Big, it is not always Valid. He learns that fear can hold you back from opportunities. Moreover, he learns that his parent can and will provide solid guidance. I get my errands done. He has fun. Everyone has a good day. My child is now slightly more resilient.
Do you know what's *really* interesting? When it comes to daycare drop-off, Dr Becky does it my way. The parent is supposed to briefly reassure, promise to return, and then GO. Suddenly we aren't worried about bodily autonomy, consent, and contradicting their reality. We don't worry about them having to process their emotions without us. I find it interesting that daycare drop-off is a boundary that no GP guru violates. (Janet Lansbury is equally cool about leaving your kid screaming in the classroom.)
Here's another example. Not of something that I think is necessarily wrong, but something that is different, with repercussions. Dr Becky rails against sticker charts multiple times in her book. I find it odd, because sticker charts are for “start behaviors” (things you want your kid to do) while most of her book addresses “stop behaviors” (things you want your kid to stop doing). (This terminology is from "1-2-3 Magic.")
If your child has no intrinsic motivation to complete something, you can either bully them (authoritarian parenting), or you can provide extrinsic motivation (authoritative parenting), or you let them skip it (permissive parenting).
The sticker chart is the easiest form of extrinsic motivation that a parent can provide. It is promoted by parenting methods that value the parents' time and mental well-being.
The GP method is, of course, much more labor intensive. A gentle parent must jolly the kid along, making it fun with games and songs (which need to change regularly as they become old and boring). In the GP method, the parent is both the sticker and the prize. This is cohesive with the view that everything needs to be about relationship-building. It also reflects the belief that your children cannot handle anything emotionally difficult without help. They are simply not expected to grit their teeth and power through on their own.
Gentle Parenting is not completely new. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" was published in 1999 and suggests treating kids with respect and consideration. (I think it's a great book -- highly recommend). "Kids, Parents, Power Struggles" by Kurcinka was published in 2001. However, the primary thrust of Kurcinka was to develop a close relationship with your child, NOT that you are responsible for managing their emotions.
Kurcinka, for example, says if your kid doesn’t want to set the table, you do a song-and-dance about it. (Notably, in her example the song-and-dance didn’t help anyway and the kid ran to her room. So not only did the parent have to set the table, they didn’t get to prep the food either because they spent 15 minutes on a futile bonding exercise.) However, Kurcinka doesn't suggest that you follow your child to their room (lest they, God forbid, be "alone in their feelings") or debrief later to analyze their feelings.
To be fair, I do think the parent should debrief this situation with the kid and talk about how to avoid it in the future, preferably with less effort from the parent. This is for the parent's benefit. However, I also think the debrief should include pointing out to the child that their behavior affected other people. This little detail is blatantly missing from the pages of all Gentle Parenting books. Dr Becky seems to believe that placing value on how others are affected by your behavior will turn your child into a doormat. While it's important for kids to have boundaries, it's also important to consider other people. That's necessary for our crowded society to function.
"The Whole Brain Child" and "Good Inside" add a peculiar emotional effort to the parental burden. I am not convinced that children will really appreciate this, long-term, or that it will create children who are socially aware. It will be very interesting to see what kind of parenting books get written by the kids who are raised with Dr Becky’s method.
September 13, 2022
I've mainly given up on reading parenting books because they often make me feel bad, like I've already failed as a parent. This book was a wonderful exception. It's written by clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, and I've referred to her so often that my husband kindly jokes that I'm like the mom in the cartoon Rugrats who was always talking about Dr. Lipshitz. Dr. Becky's insights and suggestions are simple practical but go against natural instinct in stressful moments, which is why this book is so incredible and so needed. She sums it up best at the end of the last chapter: "This book isn't so much a guidebook to parenting as it is a guidebook to feeling good inside, in any area of your life. After all, reclaiming our internal goodness is the key to change within ourselves and, after that, the key to intergenerational change with our kids. Once we feel good inside, we start to see the good inside our kids."
I received an ARC from NetGalley. The book will be released on September 13, 2022.
I received an ARC from NetGalley. The book will be released on September 13, 2022.
September 18, 2024
Liked this for an extremely narrow view of parenting my own kids but really wished Dr. Becky talked more about parenting kids as citizens and not just individuals. The book lacks any social or communal elements which begs the question, what good is it if our kids are good inside if they don’t know how to use these ideas to be outside?
I reread this as a refresher and really appreciated being reminded of how to approach some sticky situations with my kids.
I reread this as a refresher and really appreciated being reminded of how to approach some sticky situations with my kids.
December 5, 2024
Man I wish this wouldn’t have taken me as long as it has to read…but kids, am I right?!?
I found a lot of the information valuable in this and it felt like it pulled from a lot of other parenting books I read. For that reason I gave it one less star.
I would recommend this as an added bonus to the whole Brain child however!
I found a lot of the information valuable in this and it felt like it pulled from a lot of other parenting books I read. For that reason I gave it one less star.
I would recommend this as an added bonus to the whole Brain child however!
November 9, 2022
I always struggle to recommend parenting books. Ultimately I think variety is the best. Read them. Take what you need. Leave the rest. This book is no different. No parenting book will be 100% right for your family. I liked some of her stuff around food and kids. I liked that she emphasizes the need to find out why our kids are acting out because acting out is a symptom of something going on inside. However, I’m not totally on board with her view that punishments are not a methodology to correcting bad behaviors. I think both are tools that should be used: understanding the cause of the behavior and punishing when deemed appropriate.
October 7, 2022
Let me start off by I really don't mind the general 'wisdom' of Dr. Becky on Instagram and as a clinical psychologist she's great. However, literally everything in this book is built upon a false worldview that all kids, and adults too for that matter, are at our core 'good inside'. So we should choose a more gentle parenting approach because we all deserve it in light of that worldview.
As a Christian, I fundamentally disagree with that statement. Scripture teaches in the beginning yes, we were 100% good inside, designed in the image of our creator. But then we made a horrible choice and were deceived into choosing to put our trust in evil things and allow that evil to penetrate our hearts at the deepest level making us actually bent towards things not good.
Do children have moment of good? Absolutely! But they also have plenty of moments of foolishness and folly. Children's hearts are a mess and at their core should not be trusted as good. Scripture backs this up for sure
Proverbs 22:15 "A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness..."
Proverbs 17:25 "A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the mother who bore him."
Proverbs 29:15 - The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
I could maybe get behind a book title and concept of 'beauty inside' where as Christians we now have gifts of the spirit like goodness and gentleness which cause us to through the mind of Christ have a more intentional approach to our parenting like what Becky suggests... But that isn't what is being taught here.
So for me i have to give this book a hard pass, there are too many red flags in Dr. Beckys worldview. I will stick to the small nuggets on social media that help me understand my child's processing and thinking. But I will skip the parenting philosophy of doing that because they are good inside...
As a Christian, I fundamentally disagree with that statement. Scripture teaches in the beginning yes, we were 100% good inside, designed in the image of our creator. But then we made a horrible choice and were deceived into choosing to put our trust in evil things and allow that evil to penetrate our hearts at the deepest level making us actually bent towards things not good.
Do children have moment of good? Absolutely! But they also have plenty of moments of foolishness and folly. Children's hearts are a mess and at their core should not be trusted as good. Scripture backs this up for sure
Proverbs 22:15 "A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness..."
Proverbs 17:25 "A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the mother who bore him."
Proverbs 29:15 - The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
I could maybe get behind a book title and concept of 'beauty inside' where as Christians we now have gifts of the spirit like goodness and gentleness which cause us to through the mind of Christ have a more intentional approach to our parenting like what Becky suggests... But that isn't what is being taught here.
So for me i have to give this book a hard pass, there are too many red flags in Dr. Beckys worldview. I will stick to the small nuggets on social media that help me understand my child's processing and thinking. But I will skip the parenting philosophy of doing that because they are good inside...
March 4, 2023
Huh. I picked up this book because of the endless 5-star reviews and now feel like I was duped somehow.
What’s good: the theory and concept that kids are ‘good inside’ and parents should practice empathizing and validating their kids’ emotions
What’s not good: the length (it could have been cut down by like 60% honestly), but MOSTLY that while the author gives scripts and examples, there’s not much practicality in only talking through stressful situations, especially if you have a young toddler who isn’t fully verbal.
So, I can *appreciate* the idea of compassionate response, but I didn’t feel like this book gave me enough tools to manage a conflict with my kid from start to finish. The methods always stopped at about 75%—like, do I let my toddler throw a tantrum for as long as he can? what happens when he screams louder than I can compassionately respond? what if my child never understands how to offer a compromise? what on earth do I do if we’re in public and all hell breaks loose?
What’s good: the theory and concept that kids are ‘good inside’ and parents should practice empathizing and validating their kids’ emotions
What’s not good: the length (it could have been cut down by like 60% honestly), but MOSTLY that while the author gives scripts and examples, there’s not much practicality in only talking through stressful situations, especially if you have a young toddler who isn’t fully verbal.
So, I can *appreciate* the idea of compassionate response, but I didn’t feel like this book gave me enough tools to manage a conflict with my kid from start to finish. The methods always stopped at about 75%—like, do I let my toddler throw a tantrum for as long as he can? what happens when he screams louder than I can compassionately respond? what if my child never understands how to offer a compromise? what on earth do I do if we’re in public and all hell breaks loose?
December 7, 2023
I know that the title is "Good Inside" but she ran with this concept a little too hard for me. Not everyone is inherently "good inside". Actually, no one is. But besides that, there are bad parents. I get where she's coming from when she says that is so hard to come back after being labeled (or labeling yourself) a "bad parent", when you've turned a corner and are striving for good parenting, but still.
The idea of Connection Capital was great and possibly the most useful part of the book. Loved the Resilience> Happiness chapter. Really the first 120 pages was pretty good, with a few exceptions.
Overall though, her brand of parenting (while it definitely did have its moments) was too permissive and psychoanalyst for me to even WANT to emulate. Her examples of kids getting upset almost always had the child screaming "I hate you!!" at the parents along with other horrible behavior, and these same kids in her scenarios are basically coddled and told they're good kids having a bad time. That is sometimes the extent of the case, yes. Especially when kids are hungry, tired, or going through emotional upheaval for some reason. And other times, they're just being littles shits. Honestly, sometimes I'M a little shit for no good reason. Now, here's where it gets tricky. She says we should treat our kids like adults, or at least the same way we treat other adults and wish to be treated ourselves. I get this. I don't want to be put on time-out (though actually I will do this TO MYSELF to calm down) and I don't want my books or tv privilege taken away from me. So I get the idea. And I also can see where this can apply to kids. BUT I just cannot get onboard with there being NO idea of consequence for horrid behavior. I would be accused of continuing generational trauma I'm sure by Dr. Becky, but in her parenting worldview, punishments just don't seem to exist. Time-outs? Abuse, if you leave them alone and don't sit in there while they scream at you. Grounding? Don't think of it. Taking away a toy or a privilege? Probably also abuse. I just don't agree. At the very least, it should be consequential punishment. Kid threw a toy at their sibling, that toy gets taken away for a day. Kid decides to climb/jump on furniture while screen time, no movies the next day. I dunno, I'm no expert, but there are parenting ideas that are vastly different to what I grew up with and how I parent that I look at and I desire to be like that. It makes sense, it's an admirable goal. This is not one of those.
Her dialogue examples were annoying and/or ridiculous. No one talks like that, no one wants to talk like that. Also I personally dislike the idea of mantras, and I'm not gonna self-care myself into being a better parent, nor am I going to do so by giving myself pep talks, telling myself I am a good parent having a hard time and I am good inside.
The idea of Connection Capital was great and possibly the most useful part of the book. Loved the Resilience> Happiness chapter. Really the first 120 pages was pretty good, with a few exceptions.
Overall though, her brand of parenting (while it definitely did have its moments) was too permissive and psychoanalyst for me to even WANT to emulate. Her examples of kids getting upset almost always had the child screaming "I hate you!!" at the parents along with other horrible behavior, and these same kids in her scenarios are basically coddled and told they're good kids having a bad time. That is sometimes the extent of the case, yes. Especially when kids are hungry, tired, or going through emotional upheaval for some reason. And other times, they're just being littles shits. Honestly, sometimes I'M a little shit for no good reason. Now, here's where it gets tricky. She says we should treat our kids like adults, or at least the same way we treat other adults and wish to be treated ourselves. I get this. I don't want to be put on time-out (though actually I will do this TO MYSELF to calm down) and I don't want my books or tv privilege taken away from me. So I get the idea. And I also can see where this can apply to kids. BUT I just cannot get onboard with there being NO idea of consequence for horrid behavior. I would be accused of continuing generational trauma I'm sure by Dr. Becky, but in her parenting worldview, punishments just don't seem to exist. Time-outs? Abuse, if you leave them alone and don't sit in there while they scream at you. Grounding? Don't think of it. Taking away a toy or a privilege? Probably also abuse. I just don't agree. At the very least, it should be consequential punishment. Kid threw a toy at their sibling, that toy gets taken away for a day. Kid decides to climb/jump on furniture while screen time, no movies the next day. I dunno, I'm no expert, but there are parenting ideas that are vastly different to what I grew up with and how I parent that I look at and I desire to be like that. It makes sense, it's an admirable goal. This is not one of those.
Her dialogue examples were annoying and/or ridiculous. No one talks like that, no one wants to talk like that. Also I personally dislike the idea of mantras, and I'm not gonna self-care myself into being a better parent, nor am I going to do so by giving myself pep talks, telling myself I am a good parent having a hard time and I am good inside.
October 15, 2022
My ah-ha. Best investment for myself and my kids.
This is more than a parenting book. Dr. Becky provides so many tools and strategies to help ourselves so we can "become the parent [we] want to be."
As Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and mother of 3, says, "reclaiming our internal goodness is the key to change within ourselves, after that, the key to intergenerational change with our kids. Once we feel good inside, we start to see the good inside our kids."
Her non-judgmental approach helps me feel better as a parent. She validates the struggles of parenting while providing strategies, examples, scripts, and many great mantras to help you best to not "fix the issue" but to connect, set boundaries, acknowledge 2 truths, and understand your child and yourself better.
She explains why and how the different approaches are beneficial for parents and children.
This is such a beneficial book, even if you're not a parent.
This is more than a parenting book. Dr. Becky provides so many tools and strategies to help ourselves so we can "become the parent [we] want to be."
As Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and mother of 3, says, "reclaiming our internal goodness is the key to change within ourselves, after that, the key to intergenerational change with our kids. Once we feel good inside, we start to see the good inside our kids."
Her non-judgmental approach helps me feel better as a parent. She validates the struggles of parenting while providing strategies, examples, scripts, and many great mantras to help you best to not "fix the issue" but to connect, set boundaries, acknowledge 2 truths, and understand your child and yourself better.
She explains why and how the different approaches are beneficial for parents and children.
This is such a beneficial book, even if you're not a parent.
November 13, 2024
2024 reread: Very helpful reminders as I embark on a bonus parenting journey. I love how she uses IFS frameworks, too --something I was less familiar with when I first read the book a couple years ago. Truly believe Dr. Becky is the gold standard in this area!
January 2023 review: Why would someone who is not, and will never be, a parent read this book? It's because I'm not, and will never be, a parent! And yet, I want to be an auntie who has a compass if not experience, and also to be empathetic to the many, many parents in my life who go through all the hard things I don't have to. Plus, I had somehow stumbled upon Dr. Kennedy's Instagram feed, which is also a delight and contains so many wonderful nuggets of wisdom, so I was already sort of a fan before picking this up. While I promise never to give unsolicited advice to the parents in my orbit, including my sister and her husband, this book is a great grounding force for interactions around care-giving, and as I listened (great audiobook, BTW) I also thought a lot about how I could apply the same principles for other hard interactions and relationships that we all come across from time to time. Recommend for parents and non-parents alike!
January 2023 review: Why would someone who is not, and will never be, a parent read this book? It's because I'm not, and will never be, a parent! And yet, I want to be an auntie who has a compass if not experience, and also to be empathetic to the many, many parents in my life who go through all the hard things I don't have to. Plus, I had somehow stumbled upon Dr. Kennedy's Instagram feed, which is also a delight and contains so many wonderful nuggets of wisdom, so I was already sort of a fan before picking this up. While I promise never to give unsolicited advice to the parents in my orbit, including my sister and her husband, this book is a great grounding force for interactions around care-giving, and as I listened (great audiobook, BTW) I also thought a lot about how I could apply the same principles for other hard interactions and relationships that we all come across from time to time. Recommend for parents and non-parents alike!
September 19, 2022
Absolutely lovely and a quick, digestible read. Not a ton new if you follow her religiously on Insta. And it is def. aimed at parents with younger kids. But I still took a lot of ideas away from the book!
February 28, 2023
If you have kids.
If you know people who have kids.
If you want to have kids.
If you were a kid.
Dr Becky Kennedy is a master and a wizard.
A parenting Jedi.
If you know people who have kids.
If you want to have kids.
If you were a kid.
Dr Becky Kennedy is a master and a wizard.
A parenting Jedi.
September 14, 2023
You and your child are good inside, no matter what.
This is the best parenting book I’ve ever read. Dr. Kennedy is a clinical PhD psychologist and her approach and methodology to parenting is one of compassion, understanding, patience and engagement. From this book I feel like I’ve learned three key things that all children seek: connection, bodily autonomy and boundaries. Most conflicts arise when one or all of these three needs are not being met. There are so many nuggets of good advice here that all cohere with a grand strategy of recognizing that behaviors are not your child, they are windows into their needs.
By focusing and obsessing about behavior modification, we impute that behavior onto our children’s identity. In other words, our reactions to their transient behaviors get internalized into their identities which can be extremely harmful and toxic and can last well into their adulthood. The obsession with fixing their problems and focusing on happiness being the optimum state ill-prepares children to navigate their emotions. If we shame away emotions of distress, this translates into adulthood anxiety because we’ve created an adult who suddenly doesn’t have someone to enforce happiness and they can’t achieve it themselves so they are left with anxiety, dread and depression.
Connection is always better than consequence. Forgoing punishment does not mean condoning a behavior. We are raising humans not modifying behavior one sticker chart at a time. Always assume the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) of a child’s behavior. Know that they are still good inside even though they just told you that they wish you were dead. Focusing on your child’s impact on your emotional state as a parent like “oh my gosh I can’t believe you would say that to your father!” sets up for emotional co-dependency and not autonomous emotional regulation. The goal is to teach the skills of emotional regulation, a lesson that many adults haven’t even learned.
Embrace the multiplicity of your roles as a parent. You can be fun and authoritative at the same time. You should be many things at once for your child. Understand when your child is having an unformulated experience (like listening to a vacuum for the first time and not knowing what its purpose is and being afraid). You would never dismiss an adult’s feelings of fear and anxiety so why is it normalized to do this with a child? Their feelings and thoughts are just as real and go unregulated meaning they are in even more need of compassion and connection constantly.
Tantrums can actually be good because they teach children to advocate for themselves. They are just a tsunami of unregulated emotion. Containment is key during a tantrum, not engaging with logic. You contain and connect and then talk once talk once the tantrum has passed. Name the wish underneath the tantrum which helps with immediate connection. Remember these words during an unsafe tantrum “I won’t let you…” because it gives them the boundaries that they are seeking.
Seeking fairness in a family dynamic actually leads to big problems. When you focus on equality, and not equity of need, you raise a bunch of bean counters that obsess about what their siblings have received. You set them up for disimpassioned entitlement.
Hesitation and shyness are not problems to fix. Shyness can actually be a sign of confidence as a child is feeling comfortable in their skin enough to hang back, go against the crowd, and just watch from a distance. Don’t use the words “oh she’s just shy” because this will label her as a shy child and cause internalization of this as an identity.
Minimizing anxiety around food is sometimes more important than the consumption of that food. Give dessert alongside the meal to lower the states and take sweets down from the pedestal (I do this with my daughter and it works extremely well. She loves treats but doesn’t hyperfocus on them and has never thrown a tantrum when I’ve said no to a treat).
We must give children the circuitry of consent. If they don’t want hugs from their grandparents, they shouldn’t get hugs from their grandparents. No should always mean “No” and not a joking “yes.”
Sleep separation anxiety should start with day time separation anxiety and should be worked on during the day time. Put a picture of yourself next to their bed and a picture of you next to your bed to solidify that connection that they want at night. Do dry runs during the day of what the bedtime routine should look like.
Basically, everyone needs to know their job in the family. Parent’s job is to keep children safe and set boundaries, NOT to dictate what emotions are okay and not okay. A child’s job is to learn and explore emotions, NOT to dictate the boundaries. When these job descriptions get confused, frustration and tantrums ensue.
This is the best parenting book I’ve ever read. Dr. Kennedy is a clinical PhD psychologist and her approach and methodology to parenting is one of compassion, understanding, patience and engagement. From this book I feel like I’ve learned three key things that all children seek: connection, bodily autonomy and boundaries. Most conflicts arise when one or all of these three needs are not being met. There are so many nuggets of good advice here that all cohere with a grand strategy of recognizing that behaviors are not your child, they are windows into their needs.
By focusing and obsessing about behavior modification, we impute that behavior onto our children’s identity. In other words, our reactions to their transient behaviors get internalized into their identities which can be extremely harmful and toxic and can last well into their adulthood. The obsession with fixing their problems and focusing on happiness being the optimum state ill-prepares children to navigate their emotions. If we shame away emotions of distress, this translates into adulthood anxiety because we’ve created an adult who suddenly doesn’t have someone to enforce happiness and they can’t achieve it themselves so they are left with anxiety, dread and depression.
Connection is always better than consequence. Forgoing punishment does not mean condoning a behavior. We are raising humans not modifying behavior one sticker chart at a time. Always assume the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) of a child’s behavior. Know that they are still good inside even though they just told you that they wish you were dead. Focusing on your child’s impact on your emotional state as a parent like “oh my gosh I can’t believe you would say that to your father!” sets up for emotional co-dependency and not autonomous emotional regulation. The goal is to teach the skills of emotional regulation, a lesson that many adults haven’t even learned.
Embrace the multiplicity of your roles as a parent. You can be fun and authoritative at the same time. You should be many things at once for your child. Understand when your child is having an unformulated experience (like listening to a vacuum for the first time and not knowing what its purpose is and being afraid). You would never dismiss an adult’s feelings of fear and anxiety so why is it normalized to do this with a child? Their feelings and thoughts are just as real and go unregulated meaning they are in even more need of compassion and connection constantly.
Tantrums can actually be good because they teach children to advocate for themselves. They are just a tsunami of unregulated emotion. Containment is key during a tantrum, not engaging with logic. You contain and connect and then talk once talk once the tantrum has passed. Name the wish underneath the tantrum which helps with immediate connection. Remember these words during an unsafe tantrum “I won’t let you…” because it gives them the boundaries that they are seeking.
Seeking fairness in a family dynamic actually leads to big problems. When you focus on equality, and not equity of need, you raise a bunch of bean counters that obsess about what their siblings have received. You set them up for disimpassioned entitlement.
Hesitation and shyness are not problems to fix. Shyness can actually be a sign of confidence as a child is feeling comfortable in their skin enough to hang back, go against the crowd, and just watch from a distance. Don’t use the words “oh she’s just shy” because this will label her as a shy child and cause internalization of this as an identity.
Minimizing anxiety around food is sometimes more important than the consumption of that food. Give dessert alongside the meal to lower the states and take sweets down from the pedestal (I do this with my daughter and it works extremely well. She loves treats but doesn’t hyperfocus on them and has never thrown a tantrum when I’ve said no to a treat).
We must give children the circuitry of consent. If they don’t want hugs from their grandparents, they shouldn’t get hugs from their grandparents. No should always mean “No” and not a joking “yes.”
Sleep separation anxiety should start with day time separation anxiety and should be worked on during the day time. Put a picture of yourself next to their bed and a picture of you next to your bed to solidify that connection that they want at night. Do dry runs during the day of what the bedtime routine should look like.
Basically, everyone needs to know their job in the family. Parent’s job is to keep children safe and set boundaries, NOT to dictate what emotions are okay and not okay. A child’s job is to learn and explore emotions, NOT to dictate the boundaries. When these job descriptions get confused, frustration and tantrums ensue.
October 12, 2022
100 stars, infinity stars, every God damn star. Two things are true: I’m so grateful for this book and all it’s teaching me, and I wish I had this information 7 years ago. I decidedly hate any nonfiction book about parenting, parents, mothers, raising children. I’ve bought a ton in my short 8 years as a mother, and I’ve only made it through 2 without being wildly triggered and feeling hopeless: The Whole Brain Child and Good Inside. Good Inside is the most helpful parenting I’ve come across. Hands down. No contest. Not that any part of it is easy though. I could write so much more of how this book has already helped, but I’d have to write my own book… and that feels unnecessary.
December 20, 2022
Learning to parent myself with this one.
November 15, 2022
This is the most important parenting book I've read. It will give you the toolkits to have successful interactions with your kids, and also remove some of the guilt and stigma around wanting to be a whole person (and not just a "parent").
August 24, 2023
I told Lauren last night I was close to finishing Dr. Becky’s book, and she responded, “is one ever actually be done with that book?” And in some sense she’s right, I think this is one I will come back to again and again as different parenting seasons/needs pop up, and as I work to break cycles of unhealthy responses to emotional needs in my own life.
Also, I kept thinking I wish I had read this when I was in the classroom. The central premise of seeing behavior as an expression of needs, and not one’s inherent identity, would have humanized the way I interacted with students on so many occasions.
Highly recommend this for parents, teachers and anyone that works with kids.
Also, I kept thinking I wish I had read this when I was in the classroom. The central premise of seeing behavior as an expression of needs, and not one’s inherent identity, would have humanized the way I interacted with students on so many occasions.
Highly recommend this for parents, teachers and anyone that works with kids.
January 11, 2023
Hands-down one of the very best parenting books I’ve ever read. Can’t recommend more highly 🤍
January 25, 2025
Tā - pirmkārt, wow. Otrkārt, šī ir grāmata visiem cilvēkiem, kā rokasgrāmata kā iemīlēt sevi, lai patiesi iemīlētu citus. Tam pat obligāti nav jābūt par vecākošanu, bet gan par sevi pašu. (Kaut gan, ja negribas uzzināt skarbo patiesību par sevi, tad varbūt labāk nelasiet)
Dr.Bekija ir tik sirdsilta būtne, ka tic labajam ikvienā, un tas iedrošina kļūt labākam, maigākam, saprotošākam, bet tajā pašā laikā nenosoda par iepriekšējajām kļūdām vai uzvedību, un tas man šķita tik jauki.
Es lasīju un jutos saprasta un atbalstīta. Un tas jau laikam vecākošanā ir galvenais, vai ne?
Dr.Bekija ir tik sirdsilta būtne, ka tic labajam ikvienā, un tas iedrošina kļūt labākam, maigākam, saprotošākam, bet tajā pašā laikā nenosoda par iepriekšējajām kļūdām vai uzvedību, un tas man šķita tik jauki.
Es lasīju un jutos saprasta un atbalstīta. Un tas jau laikam vecākošanā ir galvenais, vai ne?
February 17, 2024
Aligned with 99.9% of her philosophy around raising children. This book is also quite healing for one’s own inner child and even romantic relationships 💛 Looking forward to using these ethics as my bb grows
July 18, 2024
As a child psychologist this is the parenting book people ask me about most frequently so I wanted to read it to better understand the author’s approach. She does offer many useful strategies such as special playtime or as she calls it play, no phone time, gradual exposure during sleep time, and validating feelings to improve communication. However, her framing of her strategies can sometimes overreach in a way that places an overwhelming responsibility on parents and reduces the richness of children’s worlds as if nothing outside of their parents and their feelings is important. Children are impacted by things beyond their attachment with their parent and their relationship with their parent is not the only motivation for their choices.
Additionally, the author’s use of pseudo scientific language such as creating different “brain circuits” or “wiring”/“rewiring” your child’s brain is not completely accurate. Children’s brains are complex and it is not simply an 1:1 input - output situation. There are several examples of her overreaching on how early childhood parenting decisions create brain changes that continue over the lifespan if not corrected by the parent. At one point the author links a parent’s choice to encourage their child to join in at a birthday party because all the other kids are having fun as the reason a teen may be overly reliant on their peers when making choices in adolescence. However, an intense focus on peers in adolescence happens across species and is related to adolescent brain development so it’s not the parent’s fault at all.
Another note this book is heavily aimed at neurotypical highly verbal children and may not be a good fit for neurodiverse child who communicate differently. The author never touches on the existence of less verbal children or qualified that these strategies work best for kids with greater verbal insight.
Again I feel they are helpful strategies, for a variety of different issues! However, if you read it and feel like oh no I am responsible for every emotional and behavioral challenge of my child or that every parent reaction might jeopardize my child’s ability to feel secure in our attachment, this just isn’t supported by the evidence. For better or worse children are much more complex than that.
Additionally, the author’s use of pseudo scientific language such as creating different “brain circuits” or “wiring”/“rewiring” your child’s brain is not completely accurate. Children’s brains are complex and it is not simply an 1:1 input - output situation. There are several examples of her overreaching on how early childhood parenting decisions create brain changes that continue over the lifespan if not corrected by the parent. At one point the author links a parent’s choice to encourage their child to join in at a birthday party because all the other kids are having fun as the reason a teen may be overly reliant on their peers when making choices in adolescence. However, an intense focus on peers in adolescence happens across species and is related to adolescent brain development so it’s not the parent’s fault at all.
Another note this book is heavily aimed at neurotypical highly verbal children and may not be a good fit for neurodiverse child who communicate differently. The author never touches on the existence of less verbal children or qualified that these strategies work best for kids with greater verbal insight.
Again I feel they are helpful strategies, for a variety of different issues! However, if you read it and feel like oh no I am responsible for every emotional and behavioral challenge of my child or that every parent reaction might jeopardize my child’s ability to feel secure in our attachment, this just isn’t supported by the evidence. For better or worse children are much more complex than that.
September 23, 2024
I really got a lot out of about 70% of this book and had an intense negative reaction to about 30% of it.
In terms of validating a child’s emotions, talking to them, relating to them, working through problems constructively without punishments, I found it all very helpful advice. I also really appreciate the encouragement to talk positively about oneself concerning parenting. But one trap self help books fall into that I loathe is when they threaten horrific outcomes if you don’t follow their methods and Dr. Becky is very guilty of this. I don’t like it because it is predatory, often fails to acknowledge or accommodate individuals circumstances and guilts and shames people seeking help over the very thing they are insecure about. In this case, if you don’t follow the methods in Good Inside the author threatens that your child will have serious emotional issues as an adult, even if they seem well adjusted now. Giving parenting advice as black and white absolutes is almost always inappropriate given the wide range of considerations a family might be dealing with.
There are several points I disagree with. One is that in this book children are incredibly emotionally fragile and relatively small missteps from the parents can have lifelong emotional trauma. This seems to fly in the face of findings on the positive impact of children learning self discipline, independence and resilience. Second, the book only pays lip service to the realities of being a parent. While there is a ton of great advice in the book, following it as prescribed is unrealistic.
In terms of validating a child’s emotions, talking to them, relating to them, working through problems constructively without punishments, I found it all very helpful advice. I also really appreciate the encouragement to talk positively about oneself concerning parenting. But one trap self help books fall into that I loathe is when they threaten horrific outcomes if you don’t follow their methods and Dr. Becky is very guilty of this. I don’t like it because it is predatory, often fails to acknowledge or accommodate individuals circumstances and guilts and shames people seeking help over the very thing they are insecure about. In this case, if you don’t follow the methods in Good Inside the author threatens that your child will have serious emotional issues as an adult, even if they seem well adjusted now. Giving parenting advice as black and white absolutes is almost always inappropriate given the wide range of considerations a family might be dealing with.
There are several points I disagree with. One is that in this book children are incredibly emotionally fragile and relatively small missteps from the parents can have lifelong emotional trauma. This seems to fly in the face of findings on the positive impact of children learning self discipline, independence and resilience. Second, the book only pays lip service to the realities of being a parent. While there is a ton of great advice in the book, following it as prescribed is unrealistic.
November 16, 2022
I’ve been a fan of Dr. Becky’s Good Inside podcast and her social media content, and this book does a great job of going more in-depth into her basic principles and how to apply them to specific situations (like sibling conflicts or tantrums or fear). Overall, I really appreciate her approach to parenting in seeing behavior as a window into what’s going on in our children instead of only focusing on correcting outward behavior. Her approach leads with empathy, respect, and compassion for our kids and ourselves, as we learn to validate their feelings and see them as good kids having a hard time, and not bad kids. Her perspective and strategies have been helpful for me as a parent to a toddler, and also have given me more peace with my child’s behavior. I also do really believe this approach will lead our kids to grow up to be well-adjusted adults who are confident, emotionally healthy, and self-aware.
One critique I have of the book is that it can be quite repetitive. Especially in the parts she’s applying her principles to different situations, she often repeats similar strategies that she’s already mentioned before. But I guess at least it emphasizes them and provides consistency. Another critique I have with her approach generally is that in an attempt not to focus on shaming our kids, it misses the opportunity to teach our kids what is right and wrong. There are times I do think this approach can be a bit too gentle, and a bit more discipline is needed.
One critique I have of the book is that it can be quite repetitive. Especially in the parts she’s applying her principles to different situations, she often repeats similar strategies that she’s already mentioned before. But I guess at least it emphasizes them and provides consistency. Another critique I have with her approach generally is that in an attempt not to focus on shaming our kids, it misses the opportunity to teach our kids what is right and wrong. There are times I do think this approach can be a bit too gentle, and a bit more discipline is needed.
June 6, 2024
I have mixed feelings about this one. Key positive takeaway: as a parent, I can hold boundaries in challenging moments while simultaneously connecting with my child. If equipping parents to show up well in their child’s overwhelming emotional moments was the whole aim of the book, I’d not hesitate to rate it 5 stars.
However. The author, a clinical psychologist known affectionately as Dr. Becky by her cult-like following, subtly collapses the categories of psychology and religion. The foundational premise of the book is that kids (and parents) are fundamentally “good inside.” How does she know we’re good inside? What does she mean by “good” versus “bad”? Dr. Becky explains kids’ bad behavior through the material lens of what is evolutionarily adaptive — we want to ensure our survival through securing our caregivers’ love and protection. I agree with her that a kid’s bad behavior does often signal an unmet need or an underdeveloped skill. But the human heart is complex. We are not purely “good” and our bad behavior is not disconnected from what’s “inside” us — Jesus said so Himself. By His redemption alone we are made good inside, and only by His grace are we able to shepherd our children’s messy hearts.
That being said, I’m grateful for this book and will continue to listen to Dr. Becky’s podcast!
However. The author, a clinical psychologist known affectionately as Dr. Becky by her cult-like following, subtly collapses the categories of psychology and religion. The foundational premise of the book is that kids (and parents) are fundamentally “good inside.” How does she know we’re good inside? What does she mean by “good” versus “bad”? Dr. Becky explains kids’ bad behavior through the material lens of what is evolutionarily adaptive — we want to ensure our survival through securing our caregivers’ love and protection. I agree with her that a kid’s bad behavior does often signal an unmet need or an underdeveloped skill. But the human heart is complex. We are not purely “good” and our bad behavior is not disconnected from what’s “inside” us — Jesus said so Himself. By His redemption alone we are made good inside, and only by His grace are we able to shepherd our children’s messy hearts.
That being said, I’m grateful for this book and will continue to listen to Dr. Becky’s podcast!
April 5, 2023
Generally I like Dr. Becky’s podcast & info, but I think I may prefer it in small doses.
I think a handful of her points just didn’t resonate with me - especially ones where she would give examples of talking to your spouse the way your kids talk to you, and how you respond etc. - I’m sorry but I just cannot get on board with my spouse saying “hmmm I hear that you just exploded out of frustration and so I understand that you have some big feelings right now, let’s talk about them.” Give me a break! But sure, for conversations WITH OUR KIDS I get it. But with my husband? No thanks.
Nevertheless, pretty good parenting book (if you can ignore conversations that would be downright silly between adults) & even got some good takeaways for our family.
I think a handful of her points just didn’t resonate with me - especially ones where she would give examples of talking to your spouse the way your kids talk to you, and how you respond etc. - I’m sorry but I just cannot get on board with my spouse saying “hmmm I hear that you just exploded out of frustration and so I understand that you have some big feelings right now, let’s talk about them.” Give me a break! But sure, for conversations WITH OUR KIDS I get it. But with my husband? No thanks.
Nevertheless, pretty good parenting book (if you can ignore conversations that would be downright silly between adults) & even got some good takeaways for our family.
March 1, 2024
I think this was one of the most practicable parenting books I’ve read. Such helpful application to everyday issues. My biggest takeaway was probably “connection first.” Before correcting, before teaching, before anything, you need to connect with your child so they feel safe and loved and that their big feelings aren’t too big for you—that you’re not going anywhere.
Also, the hot cocoa breathing technique? Genius. I’ve never been able to get my kids to breathe mindfully without rolling their eyes or brushing it off—until now!
Also, the hot cocoa breathing technique? Genius. I’ve never been able to get my kids to breathe mindfully without rolling their eyes or brushing it off—until now!
June 8, 2025
4.75 stars
I'm not usually big into self-help books, but I've wanted to read this one for a while. I started following Dr. Becky on Instagram several years ago and found her approach helpful, so reading her book was my next step. I listened to this as an audiobook over the course of about three months, partly because I'm not always in the mood for parenting content and partly because I returned and re-borrowed it on Libby a couple of times.
In short, if you are a parent who wants some guidance and you're looking for a solid parenting book to pick up, I wholeheartedly recommend this one. Dr. Becky's advice is backed up by her professional credentials and experience. She delivers her advice in an engaging, compassionate way. Some of it feels a little "cheesy" at first, but you can always take or leave it as you see fit.
This isn't just another "gentle parenting" book - Dr. Becky shares strategies for being a "sturdy leader" of the family, enforcing boundaries while also connecting with your child(ren). She provides useful frameworks and ideas for parenting children of almost any age. I tried some of her ideas with my older daughter as I was reading, and at least one really helped and provided a moment of connection!
I loved listening to the audiobook, which Dr. Becky narrated herself. I also bought a physical copy while reading because I think I'll find myself wanting to revisit certain chapters over time.
As I said earlier, if you're a parent who wants to read a single, relatively comprehensive parenting book, this is a great choice!
I'm not usually big into self-help books, but I've wanted to read this one for a while. I started following Dr. Becky on Instagram several years ago and found her approach helpful, so reading her book was my next step. I listened to this as an audiobook over the course of about three months, partly because I'm not always in the mood for parenting content and partly because I returned and re-borrowed it on Libby a couple of times.
In short, if you are a parent who wants some guidance and you're looking for a solid parenting book to pick up, I wholeheartedly recommend this one. Dr. Becky's advice is backed up by her professional credentials and experience. She delivers her advice in an engaging, compassionate way. Some of it feels a little "cheesy" at first, but you can always take or leave it as you see fit.
This isn't just another "gentle parenting" book - Dr. Becky shares strategies for being a "sturdy leader" of the family, enforcing boundaries while also connecting with your child(ren). She provides useful frameworks and ideas for parenting children of almost any age. I tried some of her ideas with my older daughter as I was reading, and at least one really helped and provided a moment of connection!
I loved listening to the audiobook, which Dr. Becky narrated herself. I also bought a physical copy while reading because I think I'll find myself wanting to revisit certain chapters over time.
As I said earlier, if you're a parent who wants to read a single, relatively comprehensive parenting book, this is a great choice!
December 7, 2023
..aizvien mācos un mācos kā būt tādam vecākam, kāds es vēlējos būt pirms piedzima pirmā meita un drīz pēc tam – otrā. šī grāmata atsvaidzina atmiņā faktus, ko ikdienas rutīnā piemirstās atcerēties. un iemāca arī pa kādam jaunam noderīgam padomam bērnu audzināšanā un sevis nepazaudēšanā tai visā. | 4,5*
July 28, 2025
Really made me rethink what parenting IS and what parents are supposed to do. By the end of the book, the behaviorist approach to parenting (time outs, sticker charts, etc.) made absolutely no sense. Kids are humans!! A kid misbehaving is a good kid having a hard time, desperate for connection and love, not to be sent away to their room to “think about their actions”.
Reading this book just made me feel warm inside. It’s a relief to move away from the cold logic of behavior change and to put connection and emotions first.
A lot of the concepts in this book apply to other relationships in life - assuming the best of people, acknowledging that we each have different perspectives and realities, and being kind to each other when we’re struggling with Big Feelings.
Basically, I don’t think only parents should read parenting books :)
As a not-yet-parent, I found some of the sections a bit repetitive, but I can see how they will be very useful, almost like a manual, once I have kids. So after reading this on loan from the library, I will be buying a copy for my personal bookshelf :)
Reading this book just made me feel warm inside. It’s a relief to move away from the cold logic of behavior change and to put connection and emotions first.
A lot of the concepts in this book apply to other relationships in life - assuming the best of people, acknowledging that we each have different perspectives and realities, and being kind to each other when we’re struggling with Big Feelings.
Basically, I don’t think only parents should read parenting books :)
As a not-yet-parent, I found some of the sections a bit repetitive, but I can see how they will be very useful, almost like a manual, once I have kids. So after reading this on loan from the library, I will be buying a copy for my personal bookshelf :)
December 27, 2022
Trying to see what the deal is with this very popular thing. I was curious about the book because when I'd heard Kennedy in an interview and in a bit of her podcast, I've found her suggested language to be passive-aggressive, guilt-trippy, and just phenomenally wordy. I actually thought the book was a lot better in this regard.
Overall positive: Yes, it is good to assume kids are real and having real feelings, and talk to them like they are humans.
I still had so many issues, though! A few of them:
- The suggested language still relies on kids not being able to see through your verbal gymnastics. They can! Kids are smart! They know that "you're not in trouble" + a consequence = in trouble. And that can be fine, but they are going to hate your hypocrisy if you keep trying to trick them into doing what you want.
- Yes, it makes sense to treat kids like humans, but if you are saying that children process things differently from adults, stop saying that the way you would feel when you heard a certain statement is obviously how a kid would also feel. And don't assume that all adults react to things the same way! (ha the coffeeshop example).
- This approach overall is so needy on the part of the parents. There's so much in there that assumes being in your kid's face all the time (e.g., the 'fill you up with mommy' game, sitting with them in their room) will solve every issue. Sure...it's a flattering thought and I see why some parents like it.
- There are unstated lines to "if you have a problem with anything your kids are doing, you need to work on yourself instead" and "whatever your behavior as a parent is, it's fine as long as you do better later." I got the sense she assumes we're all from the same culture/class/upbringing/etc and knows what isn't being said.
Issues with the book, specifically, versus other things I've heard her say:
- There are a lot of suggestions that are very vague about the age of kids that they are appropriate for, and I suppose you are meant to just figure that out.
- The book seemed like it was written for an era of pandemic parenting where children are unable to get care outside of the house, and when parents always had to work from home with children there. I was a little surprised to see this book came out in late 2022, because I would have expected someone to update how frequently "work emails" was used as an example.
I mean, it was fine. But I want to remember what I don't like about this book, for when people talk her up.
Overall positive: Yes, it is good to assume kids are real and having real feelings, and talk to them like they are humans.
I still had so many issues, though! A few of them:
- The suggested language still relies on kids not being able to see through your verbal gymnastics. They can! Kids are smart! They know that "you're not in trouble" + a consequence = in trouble. And that can be fine, but they are going to hate your hypocrisy if you keep trying to trick them into doing what you want.
- Yes, it makes sense to treat kids like humans, but if you are saying that children process things differently from adults, stop saying that the way you would feel when you heard a certain statement is obviously how a kid would also feel. And don't assume that all adults react to things the same way! (ha the coffeeshop example).
- This approach overall is so needy on the part of the parents. There's so much in there that assumes being in your kid's face all the time (e.g., the 'fill you up with mommy' game, sitting with them in their room) will solve every issue. Sure...it's a flattering thought and I see why some parents like it.
- There are unstated lines to "if you have a problem with anything your kids are doing, you need to work on yourself instead" and "whatever your behavior as a parent is, it's fine as long as you do better later." I got the sense she assumes we're all from the same culture/class/upbringing/etc and knows what isn't being said.
Issues with the book, specifically, versus other things I've heard her say:
- There are a lot of suggestions that are very vague about the age of kids that they are appropriate for, and I suppose you are meant to just figure that out.
- The book seemed like it was written for an era of pandemic parenting where children are unable to get care outside of the house, and when parents always had to work from home with children there. I was a little surprised to see this book came out in late 2022, because I would have expected someone to update how frequently "work emails" was used as an example.
I mean, it was fine. But I want to remember what I don't like about this book, for when people talk her up.
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