How Much Is Too Much?: Raising Likeable, Responsible, Respectful Children

by Jean Illsley Clarke

A down-to-earth guide to regaining control of your kids and your family

Overindulgence is not the badge of a bad parent. In fact, it comes directly from having a good and generous heart. But despite our good intentions, the abundance we heap on our kids often becomes more than they need or can handle. Family and parenting experts Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson, and David Bredehoft help you to



Based on new research gathered over the past ten years, How Much Is Too Much? gives you the insight and advice you need to put your children on track for a happy and successful life.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology

367 pages, Paperback

First published December 10, 2003

Reviews

[Caitlin]

As with any parenting book, I took this with a grain of salt and I have developed a very short fuse with parenting advice that seems over-prescriptive.

So this book really surprised me - it's important from the outset to be very clear that the book isn't about denying your children toys or new clothes (or even affection) when they need them, rather to forgo the obsession with materialism and the over-lauding of self esteem to focus instead on relationships, experiences and self-efficacy.

So this is less about parents giving their children too many physical possessions - more about when parents don't give their children boundaries, don't encourage them to gain skills or don't want them to feel the frustrations of life we all grow from.

Naturally it's hard for authors to give hard and fast rules - such as when a good age to start helping around the house is, or how many pairs of shoes a child should have - instead it's about what is within the family's resources, and the child's personal resources.

What's interesting about this book is that it is not actually just a parenting book - it does not simply cover the audience of parents who are looking for parenting tips. It also covers how to recover from being over-indulged as a child now you're an adult - and the shame some young adults feel when they realise they lack skills in finances and household management.

It also covers how to work through over-indulgence as a grandparent - it even covers what to do when a child is being disruptive and invading your personal space (the scenario is being on a long flight) and what to say to a child that isn't yours.

The worksheets and tables are good - I can see these being used in a clinical or educational setting - and I feel this really stands out from a lot of the books which only advocate a single parenting "style."

[Christine Lynd]

Good tips on how to raise appreciative and capable children. I looked at my own experience as a child as much as my experience as a mother as I read this. My own mother did way more for me than she needed to, and I grew up not knowing how to do many basic things like cook, do laundry, sew, etc. These are all things she knew how to do, but had absolutely no interest in teaching any of her children. We were shewed out of her way, rather than asked to sit by her side to learn. So, as a mother, I'd like to teach my children to be competent rather than baby them their entire lives. I think my parents did pretty good as far as not spoiling me with "things" and teaching me that money has value, that one must be thrifty with it, and appreciative of it. Overall a good guide to teaching children without overwhelming them with too many things or too much attention which stunts their intellectual and personal growth.

[Megan]

This is my new favorite parenting book. Many examples, for all ages of kids, on how show love, teach self-discipline and character, set boundaries, etc.

I love the theme of hope that runs through the book. Every negative example talks about what the parents could do to change the patterns in their parenting. The book is full of statements like this one: "Let us forgive ourselves if we do slide over, and get back in the middle as soon as possible, so that the outcome of our parenting matches our good intent."

I found this book by watching a brief video clip by one of the authors about overindulgence in parenting:
http://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-community-bl...

The authors studied overindulgence in parenting, but this book covers so much more than the title indicates.

[Lisalou]

A fairly well written parenting book. Interesting theories not sure I agree with all of it. The idea is a child can be damaged by too many things, over nuturing (to the point where the child isn't doing developmentally appropriate things) and soft structure (inconsistent rules or none at all). The book does a good job of breaking down different aspects of all three and referring you to other books that talk about it specifically. It gave me insight into my own parents and some pitfalls I need to avoid as a parent.

[Jessica]

I've read/skimmed lot's of child-rearing books and this is the first one the really resonates with me. It explains what overindulgence is and how it negatively impacts the child even into their adult years. It also gives practical ways to avoid these "overindulgences." If you have kids of you own or associate with kids in any way I highly recommend at least skimming this book.

[Jennifer]

I’ve read this book on and off for the past year. Overall there are some interesting and useful ideas that are worth thinking about when it comes to raising kids, setting expectations and boundaries, and reaching back to reflect on learnings from our own childhoods. But it also pushes a very distinct viewpoint and worldview - it’s quite black and white in what’s ‘correct’ and how things should be done, and outright judgmental at some points. This was ultimately a bit of a turnoff for me; I’m hard enough on myself as it is, and life for everyone is both complicated and increasingly complex. The book’s ideas could have been presented differently, building from the positive rather than continually focusing on what’s lacking and the negatives.

[Joseph Anthony]

As a marriage and family therapist, I use and recommend this book to parents more than any other. I also use it with my own children. It’s loaded with smart and practical strategies to help curb the tendency towards overindulgence. Of all the books on my shelf, this one is a frequent go to. I give it the highest recommendation for anyone raising children of any age. Enjoy.

[Priya]

Great book to understand what is necessary to care for children and what can harm development. Well written with lots of research findings and quick tools and charts for reference. Easy to understand.

[MommaVof3]

Great refresher for parents of what the underlying lessons are when unconsciously spoiling.

[Rosie]

Helpful thoughts to consider for any parent.

[Melinda]

Let me just say that I have purchased about 100 copies of this book and give it to just about every single person I know when they have a new baby. It's THAT good and THAT helpful to parents. This book makes you, not only want to be a better parent, but gives you a lovely way of thinking about it all that gets you/supports you/helps you do right by your kids when it is sooooooo easy to give them way too much!

[Summer]

I really enjoyed the 4 questions to test for overindulgence and will be using them in the future.

The 4 questions are:

Does the situation hinder the child from learning the tasks that support her development and learning at this age?

Does the situation give a disproportionate amount of family resources to the child?

Does the situation exist to benefit the adult more than the child?

Would this situation potentially harm others, society or the planet in some way?

[Jennifer]

I've been picking this up off and on for about eight months. The kids know when I've been reading it because I start lecturing about all the stuff we have and say no a lot more. However, it is a good reminder of how relationships are more important than stuff and helps guide parents if you find yourself wondering how much really is enough.

[Sara]

A bit heavy on the anecdotes and smugness. But I liked learning the test for overindulgence. Also, it was reassuring that it doesn't really start until toddlerhood, so, yay, I can spoil my baby as much as I want right now.

[Katie]

A great parenting book. Most issues raising kids goes back to overindulgence and soft structure. This book shows you what that means and how to change it. It's an encouraging book particularly if you parenting with guilt.

[Laurie]

Excellent, thorough, useful. The many anecdotes and examples were quite helpful illustrations of the authors' points. It is all too easy to overindulge and overnurture today. Strongly recommended for anyone who is caring for a child.

[Lori]

To read and reread as a reminder for me as a parent and on a personal level.

[Gina]

An excellent reminder of how easy it is NOT to overindulge our children and the treasure in raising a simple family.

[Connie]

This is a great book! I highly recommend it to all my Mommy friends!

[Rynell]

This book had some good points, but it seemed redundant.

[Nilni]

I read this book while I was pregnant. How much is enough? talks about the importance of not overindulging children. In my opinion the book is total bullshit, I did not finish it.

[Kristie]

So much great information in a quick and easy to read format.

[Rhonda Mannino]

Jean Illsley Clarke should be read by every parent.