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The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole
Recipe for the apocalypse: * Four parts Horsemen of the Apocalypse * Three drops of bathtub LSD * A handful of sexual perverts * Garnish with a bunch of really hot pissed-off militant lesbians * Add a splash of savior approved Red Bull Shake or stir, just don't upset junk-monkey Phil in the process. Serve to the demons that are currently invading the Earth. You think you know how the world ends? You don't know shit!
268 pages, Paperback
First published November 6, 2012
37 people are currently reading
217 people want to read
About the author
Timothy W. Long
62 books152 followersWhen not sitting around watching Rick and Morty reruns in a bathrobe, Timothy W. Long writes stuff. He has a predilection for weird literature and sometimes drinks Coke for breakfast. Don't tell his mom.
Tim is the author of over 30 novels in genres ranging from cozy/Isekai, to all manner of post-apocalyptic because no one has managed to take away his word processor.
Tim is an active member of SFWA, HWA, and Thriller Writers. He recently signed a three-book deal with Aethon Books for his Dark Lord Reborn Series.
Tim is the author of over 30 novels in genres ranging from cozy/Isekai, to all manner of post-apocalyptic because no one has managed to take away his word processor.
Tim is an active member of SFWA, HWA, and Thriller Writers. He recently signed a three-book deal with Aethon Books for his Dark Lord Reborn Series.
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
June 12, 2012
This book is AWFUL! I don’t mean the sucky kind of awful, I mean the kind of awful that gives you a boner. The kind of awful that makes you drive faster when a Dead Kennedys song comes on the radio. The kind of awful that makes realultimatepower.com the best website ever. The kind of awful that makes “The Toxic Avenger” a classic movie.
Don’t get where I’m going? Then don’t read this book. You, like the other 90% of people in the world, will hate it. Go read “Twilight” and watch “Friends”.
I on the other hand have more awful media to consume.
Don’t get where I’m going? Then don’t read this book. You, like the other 90% of people in the world, will hate it. Go read “Twilight” and watch “Friends”.
I on the other hand have more awful media to consume.
November 5, 2010
Dip yourself in whatever numbing agent is your preference, strap yourself in tightly, put on some welding goggles, and then perhaps you might be able to absorb this little slice of delightful insanity, brought to you by two authors who apparently have a strong fetish with glory holes, demons with, shall we say, impressive dangly bits, some very odd and phallically shaped bugs, feces, LSD, the "F" word, and anything else you can think of that might disrupt the sensitive minds of virtually everyone on the planet.
The apocalypse is here, and everything is screwed up. God the father has decided to take a hike to another universe and start all over, while the angels and demons are waiting to get the party started. Jesus is tired of being taken advantage of, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are mostly all around incompetents, the Antichrist is a no show, and Satan...well, Satan is rising out the desert, ass first. And none of them hold a candle to the main characters in this truly freaked out story.
We have an assortment of people who are all trying to sort things out during the apocalypse, whether they are trying to prevent it or get the party started, including a General who strives to find new and fun ways to curse like a madman, a Sheriff and one of his deputies who just came from the orgy to end all orgies and are dressed appropriately in a g-string and ball gag, a man who can best be described a narcissistic, delusional, drug addled blogger who has a one armed, heroin addicted ape for a pet named Phil, an employee of a sex shop whose beverages have been spiked with so much LSD that he can only speak in what can be described as porno-linguistics, and a militant lesbian who seems to be the most sane person amongst them. Oh, and we can't forget Goatboy...the half man, half goat who speaks with a British accent and can't stop telling dirty jokes.
This book is a riot of psychotropic incidents and disturbing imagery...and yes, plenty of glory holes. For me, the most visually intriguing scene had to be the battle between the angels of heaven and the half man/half demon that occurs in the sex shop. It was also one of those rare moments when I am reading where I virtually laughed my butt off. I couldn't help myself. But to say that this particular scene came even close to being the most outrageous, the most jaw-droppingly absurd in the book would be stretching it quite a bit.
Do not read this book if you do not a) have a strong stomach b) a mind willing to be twisted into little pretzel shapes, then allowing the salt on said pretzel shapes to be licked off by goats and various farm animals with questionable morals, and c) don't have a great fascination with feces and the sexual practices of demons. You have been warned. Everyone else, come on board for a strangely compelling mind-F of the highest magnitude.
The apocalypse is here, and everything is screwed up. God the father has decided to take a hike to another universe and start all over, while the angels and demons are waiting to get the party started. Jesus is tired of being taken advantage of, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are mostly all around incompetents, the Antichrist is a no show, and Satan...well, Satan is rising out the desert, ass first. And none of them hold a candle to the main characters in this truly freaked out story.
We have an assortment of people who are all trying to sort things out during the apocalypse, whether they are trying to prevent it or get the party started, including a General who strives to find new and fun ways to curse like a madman, a Sheriff and one of his deputies who just came from the orgy to end all orgies and are dressed appropriately in a g-string and ball gag, a man who can best be described a narcissistic, delusional, drug addled blogger who has a one armed, heroin addicted ape for a pet named Phil, an employee of a sex shop whose beverages have been spiked with so much LSD that he can only speak in what can be described as porno-linguistics, and a militant lesbian who seems to be the most sane person amongst them. Oh, and we can't forget Goatboy...the half man, half goat who speaks with a British accent and can't stop telling dirty jokes.
This book is a riot of psychotropic incidents and disturbing imagery...and yes, plenty of glory holes. For me, the most visually intriguing scene had to be the battle between the angels of heaven and the half man/half demon that occurs in the sex shop. It was also one of those rare moments when I am reading where I virtually laughed my butt off. I couldn't help myself. But to say that this particular scene came even close to being the most outrageous, the most jaw-droppingly absurd in the book would be stretching it quite a bit.
Do not read this book if you do not a) have a strong stomach b) a mind willing to be twisted into little pretzel shapes, then allowing the salt on said pretzel shapes to be licked off by goats and various farm animals with questionable morals, and c) don't have a great fascination with feces and the sexual practices of demons. You have been warned. Everyone else, come on board for a strangely compelling mind-F of the highest magnitude.
May 19, 2011
This is one of my favorite Bizarro books (if you want to label it as such.) It's so off the wall, it's on the floor. And the floor is littered with all kinds of congealing viscera and humor so black it would make Mandingo burn you in the eye with a cigar out of jealousy.
The writing is very impressive and constructed seamlessly between the two authors. I was hooked from the The similes and metaphors are some of the most hilarious and imaginative I have ever read. The characters of the Four Horsemen are absolutely side-splitting - and the rest of the rather immense character list are equally as oddball. Jesus and Satan make the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff pale in comparison. There is too much going on in this book to single anything out, so hopefully that in itself peaks your interest
This is a long book compared to others in the genre, and I think that is it's only (very small) downside. It's a endurance test in 'wtf' of Apocalyptic proportions - but I love it for that, and honestly, not a dull moment.
The writing is very impressive and constructed seamlessly between the two authors. I was hooked from the The similes and metaphors are some of the most hilarious and imaginative I have ever read. The characters of the Four Horsemen are absolutely side-splitting - and the rest of the rather immense character list are equally as oddball. Jesus and Satan make the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff pale in comparison. There is too much going on in this book to single anything out, so hopefully that in itself peaks your interest
This is a long book compared to others in the genre, and I think that is it's only (very small) downside. It's a endurance test in 'wtf' of Apocalyptic proportions - but I love it for that, and honestly, not a dull moment.
December 29, 2024
⚠️🔞🚧👹 Completely mad! I like this a lot! The setting is great (world building), and the tone is violently jolly. The whole mess is a lot of fun.
November 4, 2013
There is apocalypse of zombies, explosions, and strange shit but this tops it off. Quick everyone get inside Satan's butthole.
They start out with a huge orgy in the desert, then the Four Horsemen on a talk show and then Jesus and Satan hanging out drinking some brews.
A ride with the Four Horsemen you won't forget an apocalyptic laughter all the way to the end.
They start out with a huge orgy in the desert, then the Four Horsemen on a talk show and then Jesus and Satan hanging out drinking some brews.
A ride with the Four Horsemen you won't forget an apocalyptic laughter all the way to the end.
March 5, 2013
In case people cannot tell from the title, this book is certainly not for the faint of heart or those of a gentle nature. There is violence, sex, goo, ick and dick jokes - lots of them. An irreverent look at the "end of days".
Some tidbits that some may consider spoilers but to give you a bit of a feel of just where the irreverence lies:
The Apocalypse has begun but the Seals have not been broken so the Apocalypse is all screwed up and not happening as predicted.
The Antichrist is killed via an elderly woman and her knitting needle - you'd think the Antichrist would have been able to overpower that.
God is a fat fuck working on some other pet project in the galaxy therefore has a complete lack of concern as the happenings on Earth.
Jesus is a gambler and a drunk.
The majority of the human race are selfish, stupid, and uncaring assholes focused on sex and getting fucked up.
The Four Horsemen are featured on a talk show - also showing the absolute stupidity of the human race - and are not what you'd expect them to be. Except for Death and War. Death is exactly how you'd expect him to be - especially if you are a fan of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books and Death character. There are very close similarities there. However, Death does often wonder with the world and the Apocalypse going to shit as it was if it means he could perhaps die.
That said, Jesus and Death are my favorite characters and it could be partly due to their irreverence but it could also be partly due to them being the most "human" characters in the story.
Some tidbits that some may consider spoilers but to give you a bit of a feel of just where the irreverence lies:
The Apocalypse has begun but the Seals have not been broken so the Apocalypse is all screwed up and not happening as predicted.
The Antichrist is killed via an elderly woman and her knitting needle - you'd think the Antichrist would have been able to overpower that.
God is a fat fuck working on some other pet project in the galaxy therefore has a complete lack of concern as the happenings on Earth.
Jesus is a gambler and a drunk.
The majority of the human race are selfish, stupid, and uncaring assholes focused on sex and getting fucked up.
The Four Horsemen are featured on a talk show - also showing the absolute stupidity of the human race - and are not what you'd expect them to be. Except for Death and War. Death is exactly how you'd expect him to be - especially if you are a fan of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books and Death character. There are very close similarities there. However, Death does often wonder with the world and the Apocalypse going to shit as it was if it means he could perhaps die.
That said, Jesus and Death are my favorite characters and it could be partly due to their irreverence but it could also be partly due to them being the most "human" characters in the story.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 9, 2025
Alright folks, let’s get one thing straight—this book isn’t for snowflakes, Bible study groups, or anyone who thinks “revelation” means reading CNN headlines. This thing is straight-up chaos with extra fart jokes. I’m talking end-of-days meets locker room humor meets that one uncle at Thanksgiving who shouldn’t be allowed near tequila or theology.
You’ll either love it or hate it. There’s no middle ground, just like America. The authors clearly decided that if the world’s ending, it might as well go out covered in sex jokes and bad decisions. We’re talking God’s bored, Jesus and Death take a road trip, and Famine sounds like if Roseanne got possessed by Taco Bell. That’s not blasphemy, that’s content.
Now, the audiobook jumps around a bit. Probably too many rapture drinks at editing time. The timeline goes back and forth like the media trying to explain inflation. Still, if you can handle a few jumps and a lot of ridiculousness, it’s a wild ride.
The good? Everything that would offend your pastor and make your inner 12-year-old giggle. The bad? You might need to keep a chart just to figure out what apocalypse you’re in. But who cares, this book is about vibes, not structure.
So if you like your humor raunchy, your theology drunk, and your Armageddon full of punchlines, you’ll love it. If not? You probably voted for the editor who cut my last epilogue.
You’ll either love it or hate it. There’s no middle ground, just like America. The authors clearly decided that if the world’s ending, it might as well go out covered in sex jokes and bad decisions. We’re talking God’s bored, Jesus and Death take a road trip, and Famine sounds like if Roseanne got possessed by Taco Bell. That’s not blasphemy, that’s content.
Now, the audiobook jumps around a bit. Probably too many rapture drinks at editing time. The timeline goes back and forth like the media trying to explain inflation. Still, if you can handle a few jumps and a lot of ridiculousness, it’s a wild ride.
The good? Everything that would offend your pastor and make your inner 12-year-old giggle. The bad? You might need to keep a chart just to figure out what apocalypse you’re in. But who cares, this book is about vibes, not structure.
So if you like your humor raunchy, your theology drunk, and your Armageddon full of punchlines, you’ll love it. If not? You probably voted for the editor who cut my last epilogue.
September 23, 2013
I've had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Long and Mr. Moon, such cordial men and yet they put out wondrously demented fiction like this. I was sitting in a coffee shop with this book and having to suppress my laughter as the apocalypse went down bizarro style. Hilarious if you have a sick, sick sense of humor like I do.
Read
June 4, 2011Oh my gracious, please tell me Satan is the villian in this.
August 14, 2018
Over the top, outrageous, irreverent and at times hilarious. Unfortunately often aims at a joke and misses badly as many times!
Still if you are the kind of person that enjoys pretty much ever religious figure getting well and truly lampooned then this is one to add to your to read pile. I enjoyed it but it did seem to rely on shock value too much and I am the sort of person seldom shocked!
I enjoyed the 4 horsemen quite a lot and of course Phil the monkey!
Still if you are the kind of person that enjoys pretty much ever religious figure getting well and truly lampooned then this is one to add to your to read pile. I enjoyed it but it did seem to rely on shock value too much and I am the sort of person seldom shocked!
I enjoyed the 4 horsemen quite a lot and of course Phil the monkey!
July 28, 2018
Timothy Long and Jonathan Moon's prophetic treatise on contemporary American culture. It's all fun and games until the cockbugs come pouring out of Satan's asshole.
January 29, 2023
This is a fun and exciting read. The editing needs to be tightened up a little but overall I really enjoyed the book.
October 25, 2025
I thought it would be an enjoyable spoof. Very vile with no humor value.
February 28, 2017
No. Way awful.
March 6, 2014
Wow this book is the craziest, funniest, mad utterings I have ever read. It's like Monty Python mixed with Shaun of the dead mixed with Fear and loathing in Las Vegas! I was reading as usual in bed getting ready to sleep but with this book it kept making me laugh out loud and uncontrollably that relaxing was just not going to happen! OK so if your mind is not twisted a little, or bad language upsets you, or references to dwarf porn may offend, then this is not the book for you. On the other hand if these things tick your boxes you'll have a riot. I don't normally read books to laugh but I'm so glad that I read this, it means there are people out there with far far crazier imaginations than I could ever dream of. Just brilliant!
October 28, 2010
I liked the first chapter a lot better than the rest of it. I put it down for lack of interest.
April 21, 2013
Really enjoyed this book. Maybe a bit too long, but lots of fun and very imaginative.
July 23, 2016
There are few books I will just put down but this is one. I couldn't get past the first 1/2 hour and I returned it for credit with Audible.
November 13, 2014
This was the most vulgar book I've ever read. I couldn't put it down. I found myself in tears because I was laughing so hard. Wow. Just, wow.
July 8, 2015
Entertaining.
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews