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People-Pleasing Pastors: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Approval-Motivated Leadership
Pastors and church leaders often fall into the trap of people-pleasing. Charles Stone?s research on thousands of pastors and ministry leaders demonstrates the dangers of approval-motivated leadership. Bringing together biblical insights and neuroscience findings, Stone shows why we fall into people-pleasing patterns and what we can do to overcome these tendencies. With practical tools for individuals and teams, Stone offers concrete resources to help you and your leadership minimize people-pleasing and have more effective ministry.
236 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2010
17 people are currently reading
59 people want to read
About the author
Charles Stone
30 books12 followersI've been a pastor for 40 years in both the U.S. and Canada, and have authored six books and blogs at www.charlesstone.com. A lifelong learner, I have earned four degrees and pursued postgraduate study
in the intersection of Biblical truth with neuroscience insight. I've been married to the love of my life, Sherryl, for 39 years and have three grown children and three grandchildren.
in the intersection of Biblical truth with neuroscience insight. I've been married to the love of my life, Sherryl, for 39 years and have three grown children and three grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
November 11, 2021
This practical and insightful book is a combination of systems theory and neuroscience in investigating the challenges before the pastor in serving people rather than Christ. After confessing his own shortcomings in this area, the author discusses what he describes as the “virus” of seeking to please others in the pastorate, including a self-assessment to help the reader diagnose their personal “infection” in this phenomenon. The book is rich with research and references to the topic, including numerous examples from Scripture. Data is also provided from assessing pastors through both phone interviews and online self-assessments to gather data on the areas where people-pleasing occurs.
Stone states that the book is built on what he describes as “three strands, ” the three B’s - Leadership in the Bible, neuroscience of the Brain, and systems theory propounded by Dr. Murray Bowen. Each chapter follows the same basic format. After an apt quote to introduce the theme, he shares a story that sets up the focus of the chapter. A summary of the key content of each chapter is provided in a “snapshot” paragraph. Biblical examples of each topic are offered and the chapter closes with a “take” on the topic from pastors and other key individuals. Poignant questions are presented to close each topic, challenging the reader to evaluate their situation and apply the information.
After making the case for the development of a “strong immune system” (expanding on the virus metaphor), Stone introduces the solution with the acronym PRESENT, as follows:
P - Probe your past - look in the rearview mirror to understand the influences (family of origin, experiences, etc.) that flavor your natural response
R - Revisit your Values - the search within to understand the values that drive your responses
E - Expose your triangles - a deep dive into systems theory and relationships between you, individuals, groups, and organizations
S - Search for gaps - identify the people-pleasing traps where you may fall
E - Engage dissidents and critics - keep a calm, connected presence with them
N - Nurture your soul - employ intentional Christ-centered mindfulness (in contrast to eastern meditation, etc.)
T - Tame your reactivity - moderate your reactions through Spirit-centered thought
The appendices of this remarkable book include guidance for a 7 day personal development plan and an 8 week development plan for teams. The personal plan includes reference to two more acronyms - BEETS and RIPE.
B - Body awareness
E - Environment awareness
E - Emotions awareness
T - Thoughts awareness
S - Soul awareness
RIPE is a type of lectio divina
R - Read the text
I - Immerse yourself in the story
P - Pray over the Scripture
E - Execute by turning these insights into action
There is much to learn from this extraordinary book. I confess I am not a real fan of lectio divina, and I wish he had not quoted The Message as much as he did, but Stone’s rich list of books, author quotes, examples from history, exceptional examples from Scripture, and application of systems theory and neuroscience from a biblical viewpoint make it well worth adding to each pastor’s library. He closes with Gal. 6:14, which I will quote here from the NASB rather than The Message - “But far be it from me to boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.”
Stone states that the book is built on what he describes as “three strands, ” the three B’s - Leadership in the Bible, neuroscience of the Brain, and systems theory propounded by Dr. Murray Bowen. Each chapter follows the same basic format. After an apt quote to introduce the theme, he shares a story that sets up the focus of the chapter. A summary of the key content of each chapter is provided in a “snapshot” paragraph. Biblical examples of each topic are offered and the chapter closes with a “take” on the topic from pastors and other key individuals. Poignant questions are presented to close each topic, challenging the reader to evaluate their situation and apply the information.
After making the case for the development of a “strong immune system” (expanding on the virus metaphor), Stone introduces the solution with the acronym PRESENT, as follows:
P - Probe your past - look in the rearview mirror to understand the influences (family of origin, experiences, etc.) that flavor your natural response
R - Revisit your Values - the search within to understand the values that drive your responses
E - Expose your triangles - a deep dive into systems theory and relationships between you, individuals, groups, and organizations
S - Search for gaps - identify the people-pleasing traps where you may fall
E - Engage dissidents and critics - keep a calm, connected presence with them
N - Nurture your soul - employ intentional Christ-centered mindfulness (in contrast to eastern meditation, etc.)
T - Tame your reactivity - moderate your reactions through Spirit-centered thought
The appendices of this remarkable book include guidance for a 7 day personal development plan and an 8 week development plan for teams. The personal plan includes reference to two more acronyms - BEETS and RIPE.
B - Body awareness
E - Environment awareness
E - Emotions awareness
T - Thoughts awareness
S - Soul awareness
RIPE is a type of lectio divina
R - Read the text
I - Immerse yourself in the story
P - Pray over the Scripture
E - Execute by turning these insights into action
There is much to learn from this extraordinary book. I confess I am not a real fan of lectio divina, and I wish he had not quoted The Message as much as he did, but Stone’s rich list of books, author quotes, examples from history, exceptional examples from Scripture, and application of systems theory and neuroscience from a biblical viewpoint make it well worth adding to each pastor’s library. He closes with Gal. 6:14, which I will quote here from the NASB rather than The Message - “But far be it from me to boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.”
April 9, 2020
This is a decent book on navigating church leadership, especially for those who want to "people please." It is natural to want to be liked and as Christians we strive to be winsome in our relationships, but people-pleasing can lead to disappointment and burnout. Seeking to avoid this, Charles Stone draws on his own lengthy experience in ministry, biblical reflection, his own research through LifeWay (including anonymous anecdotes), other commentary from church leaders (including Pete Scazzero, Gary McIntosh, and Samuel Rima), and neuroscience to constructively build ways church leaders can overcome the worst aspects of people-pleasing. He begins each chapter with an engaging narrative that illustrates the key thrust of the chapter and includes anecdotes that portray a potential hazard in ministry life, such as a challenging board meeting (tense pastor-board relations seem the most frequent example), avoiding confronting critics, or recurring emotional outbursts. The book contains many self-evaluation exercises and three appendices, the first of which is an overly-long and repetitive devotional plan and the last of which explains Stone's research methodology. I appreciate Stone's passion for utilizing neuroscience to combat debilitating people-pleasing tendencies and his desire for church leaders to cultivate mindfulness and focus on Christ as the source of our identity and worth, but it still seemed a bit surface-level. Not to be a nitpicky critic(!) but Stone comments on page 166, "Unfortunately the church is often slow to adopt new ideas from the business world or science"; certainly the (perceived) antagonism between religion and science may account for a reluctance to embrace new scientific ideas in church life, but it seems to me that there are an AWFUL lot of evangelical churches eagerly and uncritically importing ideas from the business world into the church and I think that can be harmful.
June 4, 2025
Very good
This is a helpful and solid book. I finished it wanting a little more. More explanation, examples, and illustrations. Well worth the read.
This is a helpful and solid book. I finished it wanting a little more. More explanation, examples, and illustrations. Well worth the read.
July 28, 2014
No well-adjusted person likes to displease people. But allowing the approval of others to unduly shape what we do and why we do it can be harmful both to our sense of self and to the life of the organizations and groups of which we are a part. This is a particular danger for pastors of churches. In many cases, pastors are hired by the local congregation, and as a volunteer organization, the effectiveness of pastors rests on the goodwill and support of church members. In addition, church boards may be peopled by those who view their position as a personal fiefdom of power and influence that pastors may be reluctant to challenge.
Charles Stone's book is based on research conducted by Lifeway Ministries with thousands of pastors. He integrates research findings, biblical material and knowledge from the world of neuroscience to help pastors understand the dangers of people-pleasing, the tendencies in one's own life to do so, and strategies to deal with these tendencies. He contends that our tendencies to people please are driven by the emotional parts of our brains and that when we grow in emotional maturity, we are less apt to fall into this pitfall.
Stone advocates a seven step approach to this growth, summarized in the idea of becoming a PRESENT leader. This consists first of "Probing your past"--discovering the past patterns in your life, your family and your church that shape your emotional responses. This is followed by "Revisiting your values", so that these serve as the basis of responses when you are tempted to people-please. Third, he advocates "Exposing your triangles" so that we understand both the normal triangles of relationships in our lives and avoid being triangled, a situation in which we become tempted to fix an unhealthy relationship between two others. "Search your gaps" involves recognizing the particular kinds of people-pleasing patterns to which you are most prone. This is followed by learning to "Engage your critics" by learning calm presence with anxious others. Sixth, you "Nurture your soul through mindfulness", which involves becoming fully attentive to God and one's situations through biblical meditation and practices of mindful attentiveness. Finally, he urges "Taming your reactivity", the ways one might keep their cool under pressure, avoiding the disastrous outbursts that make conflict resolution more difficult.
The book concludes with an interesting exploration of the danger of being a placebo pastor, looking at the early use of "Placebo" in Chaucer as a "yes man" who made others feel better. Stone advocates for living to please God in faithfulness to one's call.
Three appendices include a seven day devotional resource to included biblical mindfulness, a study guide for using this book with a board or leadership team, and a description of the research methodology undergirding the book.
This book is part of the InterVarsity Press Praxis series and is indeed a very practical resource for pastoral practice. It asks but does not answer the important question of one's values in pastoral work, something hopefully shaped by one's sense of calling. In this regard, I might commend Eugene Peterson's many books, but especially his Working the Angles: The Shape of Pastoral Integrity and his Five Smooth Stones for Pastoral Work. These might be helpful if one struggles to "revisit one's values" as Stone recommends.
Charles Stone's book is based on research conducted by Lifeway Ministries with thousands of pastors. He integrates research findings, biblical material and knowledge from the world of neuroscience to help pastors understand the dangers of people-pleasing, the tendencies in one's own life to do so, and strategies to deal with these tendencies. He contends that our tendencies to people please are driven by the emotional parts of our brains and that when we grow in emotional maturity, we are less apt to fall into this pitfall.
Stone advocates a seven step approach to this growth, summarized in the idea of becoming a PRESENT leader. This consists first of "Probing your past"--discovering the past patterns in your life, your family and your church that shape your emotional responses. This is followed by "Revisiting your values", so that these serve as the basis of responses when you are tempted to people-please. Third, he advocates "Exposing your triangles" so that we understand both the normal triangles of relationships in our lives and avoid being triangled, a situation in which we become tempted to fix an unhealthy relationship between two others. "Search your gaps" involves recognizing the particular kinds of people-pleasing patterns to which you are most prone. This is followed by learning to "Engage your critics" by learning calm presence with anxious others. Sixth, you "Nurture your soul through mindfulness", which involves becoming fully attentive to God and one's situations through biblical meditation and practices of mindful attentiveness. Finally, he urges "Taming your reactivity", the ways one might keep their cool under pressure, avoiding the disastrous outbursts that make conflict resolution more difficult.
The book concludes with an interesting exploration of the danger of being a placebo pastor, looking at the early use of "Placebo" in Chaucer as a "yes man" who made others feel better. Stone advocates for living to please God in faithfulness to one's call.
Three appendices include a seven day devotional resource to included biblical mindfulness, a study guide for using this book with a board or leadership team, and a description of the research methodology undergirding the book.
This book is part of the InterVarsity Press Praxis series and is indeed a very practical resource for pastoral practice. It asks but does not answer the important question of one's values in pastoral work, something hopefully shaped by one's sense of calling. In this regard, I might commend Eugene Peterson's many books, but especially his Working the Angles: The Shape of Pastoral Integrity and his Five Smooth Stones for Pastoral Work. These might be helpful if one struggles to "revisit one's values" as Stone recommends.
January 30, 2014
People Pleasing Pastors: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Approval-Motivated Leadership by Dr. Charles Stone is a book that is suitable not just for pastors but for anyone in a leadership position.
Using anecdotes, personal stories, research and Scripture, Dr. Stone gets right to the point - Pastors that "people please" are going to burn out and fast. As a member of a congregation I never realized the complexity of relationships and the minefields that come with them when you are a Pastor. It is amazing to me after reading some of the stories Pastor Stone shares, that men and women who lead a church aren't locked away somewhere in a looney bin. Good grief but people can be difficult! And as this book proves it is impossible and unhealthy to try to please everyone of them. My admiration for the difficulty of the job of Pastor has risen several degrees.
But it isn't helpful to pastors alone. It is a book for anyone in a leadership position. It should be required reading for every elder and deacon in the church. It should be read by those who head up committees, are professional speakers or have to deal with people on a daily basis.
Throughout the book there are also little quizzes to take to evaluate yourself on how you approach things in relation to people pleasing. There is so much in this book that the author covers in relation to how we react to things and even how our body responds to anxiety and stress, that I cannot do it justice in this review. You will simply have to read the book!
At the end of the book there is a seven day personal development plan and an eight-week team development plan. So like I said - this book should be read by every leader in your church. Do yourself a favour and purchase a copy for your pastor. But read it for yourself first, because you will gain some valuable insights into what your pastor goes through each and every day.
I give this book 5/5 stars.
Using anecdotes, personal stories, research and Scripture, Dr. Stone gets right to the point - Pastors that "people please" are going to burn out and fast. As a member of a congregation I never realized the complexity of relationships and the minefields that come with them when you are a Pastor. It is amazing to me after reading some of the stories Pastor Stone shares, that men and women who lead a church aren't locked away somewhere in a looney bin. Good grief but people can be difficult! And as this book proves it is impossible and unhealthy to try to please everyone of them. My admiration for the difficulty of the job of Pastor has risen several degrees.
But it isn't helpful to pastors alone. It is a book for anyone in a leadership position. It should be required reading for every elder and deacon in the church. It should be read by those who head up committees, are professional speakers or have to deal with people on a daily basis.
Throughout the book there are also little quizzes to take to evaluate yourself on how you approach things in relation to people pleasing. There is so much in this book that the author covers in relation to how we react to things and even how our body responds to anxiety and stress, that I cannot do it justice in this review. You will simply have to read the book!
At the end of the book there is a seven day personal development plan and an eight-week team development plan. So like I said - this book should be read by every leader in your church. Do yourself a favour and purchase a copy for your pastor. But read it for yourself first, because you will gain some valuable insights into what your pastor goes through each and every day.
I give this book 5/5 stars.
February 6, 2014
“Whether you are a seasoned minister or a rookie, people´s pleasing is a reality in our current ministry life that we cannot keep running from. It is neither bad nor good, just happens to servant leaders because people look for answers and help. This book is aimed beautifully by Charles Stone to face our anxieties and thoughtfully respond to this dilemma instead of denying and facing painful consequences. It is worth your time reading it and a great opportunity to thoughtful action steps.”
February 18, 2025
My second time through this text and I still consider it one of the most practical and helpful books for ministry leadership. A must read for any Pastor.
Really well balanced between examples and strategies. Stone identifies a huge issue among Pastors and provides great insight into the issue of people pleasing.
Really well balanced between examples and strategies. Stone identifies a huge issue among Pastors and provides great insight into the issue of people pleasing.
March 17, 2015
Every Pastor struggles between pleasing God and pleasing the people who pay his salary. The more he strives to please God the more his ministry may be at risk. Stone offers some practical help to deal with this common struggle.
August 17, 2015
Very helpful. Spoke exactly to my temperament and situation.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews