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The Dave Test: A Raw Look at Real Faith in Hard Times
What is the Dave Test? Basic, important, raw questions you can ask yourself when someone you love is suffering, in crisis, unhinged, maybe dying. Before you even think about opening your mouth and blowing chunks of platitudes, or running, or "minimizing the painful," do the real work of living, of being a friend: take the Dave Test. Roughly speaking the modern American mindset revolves around this life philosophy: -Minimize the painful or unwelcome. -Maximize the pleasant and satisfying. -If and when the painful or the unwelcome happens, run. -Dispense with it as quickly as possible and get back to feeling good. But what if we learn to move past our comfort zones, transcend our own lives and connect with those who suffer? When we truly connect with others, it is all but impossible to insulate ourselves from life's harsher realities. This book is about the dangerous business of exposing our own fragile lives to the mortality of ourselves and others. The Dave Test takes the demand for honesty, plain talk, and faith seriously.
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First published October 15, 2013
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
September 25, 2020
This is a sad book. Yes, it's about a man whose brother is dying of brain cancer (the aforementioned Dave). But it's a book that will give you pause for thought and meaning within those raw moments. It is a book filled with faith, love and thoughtfulness. This is a book for today.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy.
December 21, 2013
When Fred told me that he was writing a book about his brother Dave's dying, I thought "You are going to have to disclose a lot of yourself in this book." As an academic, an Episcopal priest, a seminary professor and the author of a half-dozen books, he might well have preferred the psychic distance which scholarly objectivity affords. There would be no such distance in a book like this. So Fred opened himself up on these pages. When I decided to read Fred's book, I thought "I have read lots of things about death and dying." As a pastor, an Episcopal priest and a writer myself, I understood the distance which professionalism affords between the reader and the subject. The honesty of this book drew me into its ideas and drew out my personal experiences of loss, grief and mourning. In the conversation which occurs between a reader and an author, I was compelled to be as honest with him (and myself) as he was being with me. This book is not particularly comfortable, in the sense of bringing comfort to those who have experienced loss. It is rather a challenge which suggests that much of what I say and do in response to horrific losses is unconscious, culturally-determined, inconsistent with my theology, and self-protective. Ouch. Having read (and wrestled with) what Fred has to say has made me a better pastor, friend and companion in grief. That's more than I can say about a dozen other books on pastoral theology and pastoral "techniques" in responding to loss. This is an enormously valuable book.
October 16, 2013
I love the fact that I prejudge books. Sometimes I'm right on target and at others I'm pleasantly surprised. The fact that this book is written by an Episcopalian priest led me to believe that it would be a religious-based book. It is. It also led me to believe that it would be preachy, which it's not. Even if you aren't a Christian of any sort, there's some really valuable information in here. If you are a Christian, it'll put some new insight into your already-instilled beliefs.
Coping with our own mortality is something that each of us faces. Not only that, we have to cope with the mortality of those around us. I don't just mean 'the big ending.' Throughout our lives we're faced with lots of different types of deaths and expirations. You could be facing a recent job loss, medical issues, any sort of trauma, divorce or relationship issues. All of these things and more lead to the death of the world as we know it and we have to deal with it and move on. The world that we all live in is constantly surrounding us with these types of death. We have loved ones we have to care for too. But how do we do that? How do we lend our support in the most helpful manner?
Honestly, when I picked this book up I was hoping to find some insight into dealing with my own traumas. I was hoping to learn how to better help the people surrounding me with their own traumas. I wanted to learn how to heal. I did pick up some interesting tidbits about those things but the lesson I really learned was about living in the moment. I've heard it my entire life. Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, what you have is the here and now, the present. No matter how many times we hear it though, it doesn't mean that it really hits home and finds a place in our souls. One little sentence in this book really drove that concept home for me.
Regardless of what you're dealing with in life, this book is a helpful tool. You'll learn how to love, how to respond to others, and how to redefine your thoughts. Most importantly, you'll learn how to grief and continue to live.
Coping with our own mortality is something that each of us faces. Not only that, we have to cope with the mortality of those around us. I don't just mean 'the big ending.' Throughout our lives we're faced with lots of different types of deaths and expirations. You could be facing a recent job loss, medical issues, any sort of trauma, divorce or relationship issues. All of these things and more lead to the death of the world as we know it and we have to deal with it and move on. The world that we all live in is constantly surrounding us with these types of death. We have loved ones we have to care for too. But how do we do that? How do we lend our support in the most helpful manner?
Honestly, when I picked this book up I was hoping to find some insight into dealing with my own traumas. I was hoping to learn how to better help the people surrounding me with their own traumas. I wanted to learn how to heal. I did pick up some interesting tidbits about those things but the lesson I really learned was about living in the moment. I've heard it my entire life. Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, what you have is the here and now, the present. No matter how many times we hear it though, it doesn't mean that it really hits home and finds a place in our souls. One little sentence in this book really drove that concept home for me.
Regardless of what you're dealing with in life, this book is a helpful tool. You'll learn how to love, how to respond to others, and how to redefine your thoughts. Most importantly, you'll learn how to grief and continue to live.
November 24, 2013
Can a downer be a positive reading experience?
This is a book that needs to be read, even though it’s not enjoyable. It’s about how to relate positively to those who are going through hard times. How to be a friend in love. It’s written from a Christian perspective by an Episcopal priest, but it does not pretend that faith solves all the hard problems.
Schmidt’s younger brother Dave was struck with cancer, and endured seven years of the disease before succumbing to death. Sometimes life just sucks. Hoping for a handy guidebook about what to do in such situations, maybe a collection of pick-me-up promises like “God won’t give you more than you can endure” or at least a can’t-fail casserole recipe to bake for a suffering friend, I read all the way through to the end before I finally accepted that I was not going to be given any Biblical solutions for coping or helping another cope. This is just down-to-earth advice on how to validate and share the pain of another. As Schmidt would say, ditch the stained-glass language and learn to walk wounded.
And yes, it WAS a frustrating read for me, most of the way. If I’m going to endure a downer of a book, can’t it just teach me to dispense a little Hallmark wisdom and send me on my way?
Perhaps the best advice I gleaned from the first nine chapters (by reading between the lines) is this: When times get tough, go befriend a couple of recovering alcoholics. They understand struggle and neither coddle you nor make light of your pain.
Schmidt’s message finally sank in as I neared the end of the book, with these three strange words: Availability is incarnational. It’s really not as cryptic a message as it sounds. After stressing that Jesus’ interface with humanity was in the flesh–incarnational–and after stressing that sincere love is sharing a genuine presence, making oneself available, the advice finally hit home. There’s lots of other advice in the book, of course, this just happens to be the message that finally penetrated for me. The simple secret of dealing with another’s grief, for both your own benefit and that of your friend, is this: Availability is incarnational.
This is a book that needs to be read, even though it’s not enjoyable. It’s about how to relate positively to those who are going through hard times. How to be a friend in love. It’s written from a Christian perspective by an Episcopal priest, but it does not pretend that faith solves all the hard problems.
Schmidt’s younger brother Dave was struck with cancer, and endured seven years of the disease before succumbing to death. Sometimes life just sucks. Hoping for a handy guidebook about what to do in such situations, maybe a collection of pick-me-up promises like “God won’t give you more than you can endure” or at least a can’t-fail casserole recipe to bake for a suffering friend, I read all the way through to the end before I finally accepted that I was not going to be given any Biblical solutions for coping or helping another cope. This is just down-to-earth advice on how to validate and share the pain of another. As Schmidt would say, ditch the stained-glass language and learn to walk wounded.
And yes, it WAS a frustrating read for me, most of the way. If I’m going to endure a downer of a book, can’t it just teach me to dispense a little Hallmark wisdom and send me on my way?
Perhaps the best advice I gleaned from the first nine chapters (by reading between the lines) is this: When times get tough, go befriend a couple of recovering alcoholics. They understand struggle and neither coddle you nor make light of your pain.
Schmidt’s message finally sank in as I neared the end of the book, with these three strange words: Availability is incarnational. It’s really not as cryptic a message as it sounds. After stressing that Jesus’ interface with humanity was in the flesh–incarnational–and after stressing that sincere love is sharing a genuine presence, making oneself available, the advice finally hit home. There’s lots of other advice in the book, of course, this just happens to be the message that finally penetrated for me. The simple secret of dealing with another’s grief, for both your own benefit and that of your friend, is this: Availability is incarnational.
May 9, 2015
See full review @ The Indigo Quill: http://theindigoquill.blogspot.com/20...
I received this book in exchange for an honest review.
If you've ever had to experience the hard times in your own life or the grief of watching a loved one suffer or even pass away, then this book may prove helpful to you. Frederick W. Schmidt becomes candid in The Dave Test as he allows us to explore his journey through his brother's brain cancer.
This isn't necessarily an easy read. It's heartbreaking and uncomfortable. But I would say that it is necessary. When I was 4 years old my father was diagnosed with cancer, and the doctors told him to go home and make arrangements. He lived for 15 more years, but he was taken home to the Lord my Freshman year of college. It's not easy stuff. I appreciate this book because I understand what the author is communicating here. We can sugar coat everything as much as we like to try and ease the pain or mask our suffering (or the suffering of those around us), but it's still there and it helps to ask the hard questions. It helps to challenge your faith, because usually this will allow it to strengthen. It's a test.
The only thing I would mention is that the author disapproves of referencing "lists" to help you get through these issues, while the majority of this book is lists. They are helpful lists, and help to organize the author's points, but the inconsistency of what he was communicating here did not work in his favor.
Although it's a hard pill to swallow, this is a great book for those struggling with questions and faith during a hard time. Or perhaps you know someone who is struggling. Try referencing this book and see if it helps you. It just might shed some light on your otherwise dark circumstances.
I received this book in exchange for an honest review.
If you've ever had to experience the hard times in your own life or the grief of watching a loved one suffer or even pass away, then this book may prove helpful to you. Frederick W. Schmidt becomes candid in The Dave Test as he allows us to explore his journey through his brother's brain cancer.
This isn't necessarily an easy read. It's heartbreaking and uncomfortable. But I would say that it is necessary. When I was 4 years old my father was diagnosed with cancer, and the doctors told him to go home and make arrangements. He lived for 15 more years, but he was taken home to the Lord my Freshman year of college. It's not easy stuff. I appreciate this book because I understand what the author is communicating here. We can sugar coat everything as much as we like to try and ease the pain or mask our suffering (or the suffering of those around us), but it's still there and it helps to ask the hard questions. It helps to challenge your faith, because usually this will allow it to strengthen. It's a test.
The only thing I would mention is that the author disapproves of referencing "lists" to help you get through these issues, while the majority of this book is lists. They are helpful lists, and help to organize the author's points, but the inconsistency of what he was communicating here did not work in his favor.
Although it's a hard pill to swallow, this is a great book for those struggling with questions and faith during a hard time. Or perhaps you know someone who is struggling. Try referencing this book and see if it helps you. It just might shed some light on your otherwise dark circumstances.
June 21, 2014
How can we walk with someone through suffering and hardship and how does faith not only survive such a journey, but help us through this valley? This book take a raw, honest look at walking with a loved one through difficult times. It is okay to acknowledge that this stinks, that this might be the new normal and things might not get back to the way they were before. It talks about knowing what we believe and stating it, not using "stained glass language" that doesn't really address the reality of the situation. Because walking with someone who is suffering forces us to acknowledge our own mortality, something we often want to ignore. "It is possible to craft a response to life's hard places that draws deeply on the Christian faith, that hangs together, and that takes us to a place that is faithful to God's purpose for our lives." A wonderful, helpful book that will make you think and reflect.
November 1, 2013
We Christians are good at useless platitudes. When Frederick's brother Dave got a brain tumor seven years ago, he received lots of them. Dave was so frustrated he quit going to church. Frederick has developed the "Dave test" to help us relate to those suffering in a honest way. He asks ten questions. The questions penetrate our understanding of who God is, the kind of language we use, if we can be vulnerable, etc. These are hard questions but good for helping us relate to those suffering.
Warning: there is "language" in this book some might find offensive. But it is used by people in or responding to pain and its nothing I haven heard before. See my full review at http://bit.ly/18JDiwS.
Warning: there is "language" in this book some might find offensive. But it is used by people in or responding to pain and its nothing I haven heard before. See my full review at http://bit.ly/18JDiwS.
November 4, 2013
Frederick Schmidt's journey with his brother Dave from terminal diagnosis to death has given us the gift of The Dave Test. Schmidt unpacks the places of spiritual and emotional dishonesty that screw up the ability to be with suffering - our own and that of others.
If you want a practical, no nonsense look at how you can grow up to face suffering in ways that help and not hurt, this is an excellent read!
If you want a practical, no nonsense look at how you can grow up to face suffering in ways that help and not hurt, this is an excellent read!
July 1, 2014
Dave sets a high bar. I'm not sure I'd have the courage to be that honest with someone who was dying. Reading this book has definitely made me examine my reactions to life's tragedies. It will take practice and concentrated effort to unlearn the old formulaic responses. I think the effort will be worthwhile. I have no desire to spend my life rationalizing death.
May 21, 2014
What a great book. I wish I'd read it before 2012, when my mother died. I could have used less "stained glass language" from friends. I recognize they were doing what they knew. Now that I've read this, I hope that I will pass The Dave Test when called upon. Life sucks sometimes...this book doesn't.
July 13, 2015
Read for a discussion group with our Church. I have lost a sibling also, but I felt that this book could have been better. At 150 pages, it was too long without concrete examples. It could have been better edited down in length to a magazine/journal article. I'm an RN and this dragged on much to long. Get to the point, be brief, and give examples, Jesus surely did with his parables.
November 11, 2013
I suffered through this book. While the premise was great, I couldn't get past the presentation. The wording was insufferable and vulgar language used. I had to quit reading it for the sake of my sanity.
December 17, 2013
Maybe more like 3½. It was pretty old hat for someone who has been doing this for a long time, but would be good for someone just starting out or a "non-professional."
January 6, 2014
Practical embodied theology that is sorely needed in the church today.
This book needs to be read and lived!
This book needs to be read and lived!
April 9, 2014
This book is brilliant...should be read by everyone even considering pastoral ministry or counseling and would be an excellent resource for care-givers.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews