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Baby Knows Best: Raising a Confident and Resourceful Child, the RIE Way
Raise self-confident, self-reliant children using the RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) Approach.
Your baby knows more than you think. That's the heart of the principles and teachings of Magda Gerber, founder of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), and Educaring. BABY KNOWS BEST is based on Gerber's belief in babies' natural abilities to develop at their own pace, without coaxing from helicoptering or hovering parents. The Educaring Approach helps parents see their infants as competent people with a growing ability to communicate, problem-solve, and self-soothe.
BABY KNOWS BEST is a comprehensive resource that shows parents how to respond to their babies' cues and signals; how to develop healthy sleep habits; why babies need uninterrupted playtime; and how to set clear, consistent limits. The result? More relaxed parents and more confident, self-reliant children.
Your baby knows more than you think. That's the heart of the principles and teachings of Magda Gerber, founder of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), and Educaring. BABY KNOWS BEST is based on Gerber's belief in babies' natural abilities to develop at their own pace, without coaxing from helicoptering or hovering parents. The Educaring Approach helps parents see their infants as competent people with a growing ability to communicate, problem-solve, and self-soothe.
BABY KNOWS BEST is a comprehensive resource that shows parents how to respond to their babies' cues and signals; how to develop healthy sleep habits; why babies need uninterrupted playtime; and how to set clear, consistent limits. The result? More relaxed parents and more confident, self-reliant children.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2013
145 people are currently reading
897 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 103 reviews
October 16, 2014
This was a good read. The first time I heard of RIE parenting I was completely turned off of it, but when my baby became a toddler, I started wondering more about this method. This book, while a bit boring in parts, answered my questions about RIE parenting very clearly and it is well organized.
For a quick summary on RIE parenting, it's a baby lead parenting style. The baby choose what they play with and set the pace of their own development. This means that instead of the parents choosing toys to help educate their kids, the babies choose what they are interested and figure out for themselves what a toy can do. Respect between baby and parent should go both directions, and parents should always treat their child with the same respect that they give towards other adults. RIE parenting is for educated crying-it-out and independence. It is firm about setting boundaries and that quality time is more important than quantity. For example, this may mean that a stay-at-home-moms has personal time while their baby spends time alone in a safe place.
RIE is not for developmental toys such as walkers and bumbos or even baby carriers. It's for children to be very independent with parents only getting involved when safety is severely at jeopardy.
RIE is designed for children between newborn to age 3.
Even if this parenting style does not sound like anything that you are interested, I would still recommend this book. It is a very different prospective than many currently popular parenting books, and I think there are different ideas that any parent can take and apply to their lives.
*Update: I've checked this book out several times as a reference books since I first read it which has made me like it a bit more.*
For a quick summary on RIE parenting, it's a baby lead parenting style. The baby choose what they play with and set the pace of their own development. This means that instead of the parents choosing toys to help educate their kids, the babies choose what they are interested and figure out for themselves what a toy can do. Respect between baby and parent should go both directions, and parents should always treat their child with the same respect that they give towards other adults. RIE parenting is for educated crying-it-out and independence. It is firm about setting boundaries and that quality time is more important than quantity. For example, this may mean that a stay-at-home-moms has personal time while their baby spends time alone in a safe place.
RIE is not for developmental toys such as walkers and bumbos or even baby carriers. It's for children to be very independent with parents only getting involved when safety is severely at jeopardy.
RIE is designed for children between newborn to age 3.
Even if this parenting style does not sound like anything that you are interested, I would still recommend this book. It is a very different prospective than many currently popular parenting books, and I think there are different ideas that any parent can take and apply to their lives.
*Update: I've checked this book out several times as a reference books since I first read it which has made me like it a bit more.*
May 30, 2018
This seems well-suited for introducing RIE to a caregiver like a nanny. Pretty good intro to RIE methods focused on what to actually do or not do, categorized by different areas of caregiving (example chapters: newborn, sleep, movement, play, limits) so that it's more straightforward than something like Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting which is a collection of blog posts or Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start that has more philosophy/history parts to it. The tone is also more accessible and less parent-shaming than I often find Lansbury's writing to be. The chapter on setting limits was particularly good.
Notes:
* "There may be times when a child's refrain of "I can't" means "I'm tired" or "I want to do this with you, not by myself." In these instances, giving your attention and offering emotional support may be all that is needed. Saying, "I know you can do it" or "You don't need my help," disregards the child's point of view and can feel like a lack of interest. You are telling the child to figure it out on her own when she has made it clear that she needs you. If your child says, "I can't," the simplest thing may be to stop what you're doing, get down on the floor with her, and ask what she needs."
* "For those times when limits must be set and a child does become upset, the upset is acknowledged and eventually passes. This isn't because the child has learned to be compliant but because limits have been set clearly and consistently in a habitual way and the child has come to know what is expected of him."
* "Instead of controlling your baby or toddler, act as his guide--let him know what you expect, set firm boundaries with compassion for his point of view, and trust that, over time, he will learn what is expected of him. When you trust in your child's innate goodness and understand that self-discipline takes practice, you'll be willing to set the same limit several times a day, for many days if necessary, util your child begins to have the self-control to manage an impulse. Instead of punishing him for behavior you're not in favor of, calmly let him know what you expect. Stating what you want in a positive way, in a tone that reflects your confidence that he will cooperate, will help keep things from devolving into a power struggle.
* "When parents set a limit and their toddler responds in upset or anger, they sometimes think they've failed to set the limit in the "right" way or say the magic words that would prompt their child to comply without difficulty. That's an unrealistic expectation. There will be times when you set a limit and it will be ignored altogether. These are both to be expected from a growing toddler, who is merely exercising his power and testing the limits, so refrain from characterizing this as misbehavior. Having said that, it's important to set a limit and follow through with it rather than giving your child multiple chances to comply. When we do that, the child learns that we don't really mean what we say, and when we let things go on too long, we can find ourselves feeling angry and ready to explode. It's preferable to state a limit once, give the child time to comply, and then follow through with it before we lose our patience. As RIE Associate Janet Lansbury states, "[the child] may squawk in response, or even have a meltdown, but she will also breathe a huge inward sigh of relief...Taking care of yourself and your child--prioritizing your relationship to this extent--is the ultimate in great parenting and something to feel extremely proud of. Children don't want to be considered bothersome, frustrating, or annoying, and they don't deserve our resentment. But only we can set the limits necessary (and early enough) to prevent these feelings from cropping up and poisoning our relationship."
* "Without a parent setting firm boundaries, an out-of-control toddler can feel that he's the most powerful one in the room, and this can be frightening for him."
* "It will be easier for your baby to accept yellow light disappointments when there are plenty of green light times during the day. A green light is given when you've offered your child a few options from which to choose, and you're happy and willing to do any of them. 'Would you like to go to the park or playin the backyard?'"
* "Observing toddlers in conflict can stir up our own feelings of fear, anxiety, and helplessness. Knowing when to intervene is an art--not a perfect science--and some days you'll do better than others."
* "When setting limits, avoid using the 'royal we', which is indirect and can be confusing. If your toddler has just walloped another child and you say, 'We don't hit!' he may rightly think, 'What do you mean? I just hit her!' Speaking in the first person is direct and lets your child know what your limits are and how you feel about his behavior. It also models how to speak up for yourself. 'I don't want you to hit Sascha' or 'I won't let you hit Sascha' is much more direct and has an altogether different tone than 'We don't hit.' It's also very different from 'Why do you keep hitting Sascha?' which includes negative judgment and ask a question that your child may not be able to answer." -- being direct about what you want from the kid asks that you be comfortable with yourself. Also, the royal we is using social shaming for compliance (if you do this, you are not part of the in-group)
* "As you narrate, touch each baby's head softly so that both of them can feel what it's like to be touched gently. As Magda Gerber said, 'We comfort both children. When we comfort only the victim, the victim is reward for being a victim and the aggressor has no opportunity for learning gentleness."
* "When an older baby or toddler is aggressive, saying 'gentle' and touching gently is no longer sufficient. If a toddler has kicked another child and we just touch him softly and say, 'Gentle,' he now has the power to push our hand away to strike again. Even if a toddler is not speaking a lot of words, he has a much greater capacity to understand than he did when he was a young baby, so we can more language to address the situation. 'I'm putting my hand here. I won't let you kick Tamika. You seem angry. You can kick a ball or the cushion if you want to kick.' The limit setting and language we use grow and develop along with the child."
* "Toddlers don't whine to make you crazy; they whine to express a need they ay not be able to identify or articulate any other way at that moment. Whining serves the purpose of getting your attention. The challenge is for you to keep your cool so that you ca try to understand why your child is whining."
* "It is much easier to accept a child's emotional state than to try to squelch her feelings or encourage her to feel another way. This only compounds the upset because a child feels unheard and abandoned right when she needs us the most. 'You're okay. You didn't hurt yourself.' 'Don't be silly.' 'It's not big deal.' These phrases and their many variations only add fuel to the emotional fire because for a toddler, whatever she's upset about is a big deal! Now, added to the initial upset is the further upset of you trying to jolly or talk her out of it or negate her feelings altogether."
* "A tantrum is not a demanding outburst or a moment of anger. It's a tidal wave of emotion that overtakes a toddler that can't be circumvented or stopped. How long will it last? Until it's done.
Notes:
* "There may be times when a child's refrain of "I can't" means "I'm tired" or "I want to do this with you, not by myself." In these instances, giving your attention and offering emotional support may be all that is needed. Saying, "I know you can do it" or "You don't need my help," disregards the child's point of view and can feel like a lack of interest. You are telling the child to figure it out on her own when she has made it clear that she needs you. If your child says, "I can't," the simplest thing may be to stop what you're doing, get down on the floor with her, and ask what she needs."
* "For those times when limits must be set and a child does become upset, the upset is acknowledged and eventually passes. This isn't because the child has learned to be compliant but because limits have been set clearly and consistently in a habitual way and the child has come to know what is expected of him."
* "Instead of controlling your baby or toddler, act as his guide--let him know what you expect, set firm boundaries with compassion for his point of view, and trust that, over time, he will learn what is expected of him. When you trust in your child's innate goodness and understand that self-discipline takes practice, you'll be willing to set the same limit several times a day, for many days if necessary, util your child begins to have the self-control to manage an impulse. Instead of punishing him for behavior you're not in favor of, calmly let him know what you expect. Stating what you want in a positive way, in a tone that reflects your confidence that he will cooperate, will help keep things from devolving into a power struggle.
* "When parents set a limit and their toddler responds in upset or anger, they sometimes think they've failed to set the limit in the "right" way or say the magic words that would prompt their child to comply without difficulty. That's an unrealistic expectation. There will be times when you set a limit and it will be ignored altogether. These are both to be expected from a growing toddler, who is merely exercising his power and testing the limits, so refrain from characterizing this as misbehavior. Having said that, it's important to set a limit and follow through with it rather than giving your child multiple chances to comply. When we do that, the child learns that we don't really mean what we say, and when we let things go on too long, we can find ourselves feeling angry and ready to explode. It's preferable to state a limit once, give the child time to comply, and then follow through with it before we lose our patience. As RIE Associate Janet Lansbury states, "[the child] may squawk in response, or even have a meltdown, but she will also breathe a huge inward sigh of relief...Taking care of yourself and your child--prioritizing your relationship to this extent--is the ultimate in great parenting and something to feel extremely proud of. Children don't want to be considered bothersome, frustrating, or annoying, and they don't deserve our resentment. But only we can set the limits necessary (and early enough) to prevent these feelings from cropping up and poisoning our relationship."
* "Without a parent setting firm boundaries, an out-of-control toddler can feel that he's the most powerful one in the room, and this can be frightening for him."
* "It will be easier for your baby to accept yellow light disappointments when there are plenty of green light times during the day. A green light is given when you've offered your child a few options from which to choose, and you're happy and willing to do any of them. 'Would you like to go to the park or playin the backyard?'"
* "Observing toddlers in conflict can stir up our own feelings of fear, anxiety, and helplessness. Knowing when to intervene is an art--not a perfect science--and some days you'll do better than others."
* "When setting limits, avoid using the 'royal we', which is indirect and can be confusing. If your toddler has just walloped another child and you say, 'We don't hit!' he may rightly think, 'What do you mean? I just hit her!' Speaking in the first person is direct and lets your child know what your limits are and how you feel about his behavior. It also models how to speak up for yourself. 'I don't want you to hit Sascha' or 'I won't let you hit Sascha' is much more direct and has an altogether different tone than 'We don't hit.' It's also very different from 'Why do you keep hitting Sascha?' which includes negative judgment and ask a question that your child may not be able to answer." -- being direct about what you want from the kid asks that you be comfortable with yourself. Also, the royal we is using social shaming for compliance (if you do this, you are not part of the in-group)
* "As you narrate, touch each baby's head softly so that both of them can feel what it's like to be touched gently. As Magda Gerber said, 'We comfort both children. When we comfort only the victim, the victim is reward for being a victim and the aggressor has no opportunity for learning gentleness."
* "When an older baby or toddler is aggressive, saying 'gentle' and touching gently is no longer sufficient. If a toddler has kicked another child and we just touch him softly and say, 'Gentle,' he now has the power to push our hand away to strike again. Even if a toddler is not speaking a lot of words, he has a much greater capacity to understand than he did when he was a young baby, so we can more language to address the situation. 'I'm putting my hand here. I won't let you kick Tamika. You seem angry. You can kick a ball or the cushion if you want to kick.' The limit setting and language we use grow and develop along with the child."
* "Toddlers don't whine to make you crazy; they whine to express a need they ay not be able to identify or articulate any other way at that moment. Whining serves the purpose of getting your attention. The challenge is for you to keep your cool so that you ca try to understand why your child is whining."
* "It is much easier to accept a child's emotional state than to try to squelch her feelings or encourage her to feel another way. This only compounds the upset because a child feels unheard and abandoned right when she needs us the most. 'You're okay. You didn't hurt yourself.' 'Don't be silly.' 'It's not big deal.' These phrases and their many variations only add fuel to the emotional fire because for a toddler, whatever she's upset about is a big deal! Now, added to the initial upset is the further upset of you trying to jolly or talk her out of it or negate her feelings altogether."
* "A tantrum is not a demanding outburst or a moment of anger. It's a tidal wave of emotion that overtakes a toddler that can't be circumvented or stopped. How long will it last? Until it's done.
January 13, 2024
Pentru mine, "Copiii știu cel mai bine" s-a dovedit a fi una din cele mai bune cărți citite de parenting.
Este (până în prezent) singura carte găsită de mine care să abordeze detaliat și cât mai practic creșterea și educația copiilor de la 0 la 2 ani. Reprezintă o perioadă de bază în ceea ce privește dezvoltarea copiilor și totuși parcă ignorată.
Pe lângă conceptele RIE abordate, toate sfaturile sunt logice și ușor de pus în practică. Cei care au copii mici vor înțelege cu siguranță că sunt valabile toate acestea.
Este (până în prezent) singura carte găsită de mine care să abordeze detaliat și cât mai practic creșterea și educația copiilor de la 0 la 2 ani. Reprezintă o perioadă de bază în ceea ce privește dezvoltarea copiilor și totuși parcă ignorată.
Pe lângă conceptele RIE abordate, toate sfaturile sunt logice și ușor de pus în practică. Cei care au copii mici vor înțelege cu siguranță că sunt valabile toate acestea.
January 18, 2014
An interesting read, but most everything that was unique was rather kooky. The stuff on sleep is in "The Happiest Baby on the Block," the stuff on waiting is in "Bringing Up Bebe," the stuff on not hovering is in "Homeward Bound: Why Women are Embracing the New Domesticity." All are wonderful books and I highly recommend them.
So what was unique for the RIE method... Well, the main message is to let your child do pretty much everything herself. If the child can't sit on her own, don't prop her up in a sitting position or even carry her positioned vertically. If the child can't reach the monkey bars, don't hold her up to them. But the message is also that your child can do more than you realize. When you take care of your child, narrate diaper changes, getting dressed, and even then movements you make as you pick her up, inviting her to help every step along the way. Don't introduce toys, just leave play objects around (condensed juice tops, funnels, etc) and allow the child to encounter then and explore them on her own. Construct a play area where you can leave your baby alone for an undefined amount of time, someplace with nothing that can be pulled down, on a soft mat, so that she can have some space to develop on her own. A lot of watching and waiting, and not playing with or cuddling the baby. All of this starts when the baby is only a few weeks old by the way.
Going along with allowing the baby to explore the environment without your interference is also not imposing your emotions and feelings on the baby. Say the baby hits her head on a table. You are not supposed to rush over to comfort her or tell her to brush it off. You are supposed to say "I see that you have hit your head on the table. That is because you are taller now." And then go back to doing whatever you are doing. This probably isn't supposed to be delivered in a monotone, but that is how I imagine it. Or more specifically, remember on "Beevis and Butthead" when Butthead was trying to be seductive? "This is the greatest thing that I have ever seen. COME to Butthead." THAT is the kind of voice that I imagine for this delivery.
The reviews I've read elsewhere about this book say that this parenting technique is adopted by rich celebrities. I think that is probably right. They are the ones who could afford a rubber room for their babies to roam around in unobserved. They are more concerned that other people about children acting goofy in public. I see a lot in the RIE method that I like - teaching babies to drink from glasses rather than sippy cups for example - but I think a lot is carried too far. You shouldn't gush over your children, or put the idea into their head that they've hurt themselves before they think of it on their own. It is definitely good to pause when a child cries and assess whether they really need you to soothe them or not. Talk TO the baby not at the baby, and don't just jerk them from one task to another as if they were an object. But I don't think that you should avoid showing emotion over things that happen to the baby. Just don't go overboard.
So what was unique for the RIE method... Well, the main message is to let your child do pretty much everything herself. If the child can't sit on her own, don't prop her up in a sitting position or even carry her positioned vertically. If the child can't reach the monkey bars, don't hold her up to them. But the message is also that your child can do more than you realize. When you take care of your child, narrate diaper changes, getting dressed, and even then movements you make as you pick her up, inviting her to help every step along the way. Don't introduce toys, just leave play objects around (condensed juice tops, funnels, etc) and allow the child to encounter then and explore them on her own. Construct a play area where you can leave your baby alone for an undefined amount of time, someplace with nothing that can be pulled down, on a soft mat, so that she can have some space to develop on her own. A lot of watching and waiting, and not playing with or cuddling the baby. All of this starts when the baby is only a few weeks old by the way.
Going along with allowing the baby to explore the environment without your interference is also not imposing your emotions and feelings on the baby. Say the baby hits her head on a table. You are not supposed to rush over to comfort her or tell her to brush it off. You are supposed to say "I see that you have hit your head on the table. That is because you are taller now." And then go back to doing whatever you are doing. This probably isn't supposed to be delivered in a monotone, but that is how I imagine it. Or more specifically, remember on "Beevis and Butthead" when Butthead was trying to be seductive? "This is the greatest thing that I have ever seen. COME to Butthead." THAT is the kind of voice that I imagine for this delivery.
The reviews I've read elsewhere about this book say that this parenting technique is adopted by rich celebrities. I think that is probably right. They are the ones who could afford a rubber room for their babies to roam around in unobserved. They are more concerned that other people about children acting goofy in public. I see a lot in the RIE method that I like - teaching babies to drink from glasses rather than sippy cups for example - but I think a lot is carried too far. You shouldn't gush over your children, or put the idea into their head that they've hurt themselves before they think of it on their own. It is definitely good to pause when a child cries and assess whether they really need you to soothe them or not. Talk TO the baby not at the baby, and don't just jerk them from one task to another as if they were an object. But I don't think that you should avoid showing emotion over things that happen to the baby. Just don't go overboard.
May 19, 2015
Some of this was interesting, and some of it was not. Really. I felt like half of this, I already do - let my child use found objects for creative play, let him play unguided, narrate many activities, sensations and objects to him, etc. As the book suggests, we too waited out middle-of-the-night crying. However, I felt (as I see another reviewer did) that this book also proposes parenting that comes across as detached (example, when the kid hit his head on the table, and the "correct" response was to acknowledge the kid hit their head because they are taller now, and then continue talking calmly with friends). I also sense a lot of judgement against anyone who doesn't parent in this method (ex, if you wipe the kid's nose, you are not respecting their body; and if you don't linger leisurely over a diaper change and maintain continuous eye contact, you are giving your child the impression that cleaning up bodily functions is distasteful and negative), which I find irritating.
For what it's worth, if I don't look at the kid's butt when I'm wiping it, how do I know it's clean? lol.
Anyways. As with most of the parenting books I've read, I will take what I find useful and leave the rest.
For what it's worth, if I don't look at the kid's butt when I'm wiping it, how do I know it's clean? lol.
Anyways. As with most of the parenting books I've read, I will take what I find useful and leave the rest.
August 2, 2025
A healthy, humanistic parenting ideology. Have already used a lot of this. Glad to have found it!
July 25, 2014
I enjoyed this easy-to-read parenting book. The basis of this parenting method is respect from parent to baby and baby to parent. For example, if you don't want your baby grabbing your glasses, be clear to your baby by using intonation that it's not ok. Show your baby respect for moving slowly with her and telling her what you are doing with her (ie, "I'm going to pick you up. I'm laying you on the changing table. I'm taking your diaper off."). This allows baby to relax and not feel like something is suddenly going to happen to her. You can also ask your baby to help you with her care, such as lifting her bottom during a diaper change. RIE views babies as competent people.
I would have liked this book to show more evidence that the methods are healthy for children, because I feel unsure about how much floor time they seem to recommend. I'm coming from an AP/continuum style of parenting and believed constant holding was healthiest. I've since come to question that and decided not to make raising a baby harder on myself than it needs to be--which is what drew me to RIE parenting. I'm reading The Science of Parenting next to see what they say. Of course, one should really rely on their intuition more than anything else.
RIE parenting advocates allowing your baby to do as much as he or she can. This would mean allowing them to learn to move on their own, fall asleep on their own (note: I said "allow" not "force"), eat on their own, etc, without the use of contraptions or devices.
Overall, I like that the method is based on respect, but I won't be following it exactly. It's a good read, though, to help you see your baby as competent and show your baby the respect he deserves. I find it kinder than mainstream parenting and easier than attachment parenting--a nice middle ground.
I would have liked this book to show more evidence that the methods are healthy for children, because I feel unsure about how much floor time they seem to recommend. I'm coming from an AP/continuum style of parenting and believed constant holding was healthiest. I've since come to question that and decided not to make raising a baby harder on myself than it needs to be--which is what drew me to RIE parenting. I'm reading The Science of Parenting next to see what they say. Of course, one should really rely on their intuition more than anything else.
RIE parenting advocates allowing your baby to do as much as he or she can. This would mean allowing them to learn to move on their own, fall asleep on their own (note: I said "allow" not "force"), eat on their own, etc, without the use of contraptions or devices.
Overall, I like that the method is based on respect, but I won't be following it exactly. It's a good read, though, to help you see your baby as competent and show your baby the respect he deserves. I find it kinder than mainstream parenting and easier than attachment parenting--a nice middle ground.
March 22, 2020
I love much of this book and its assumption that babies, infants, and toddlers are competent scientists who are due respect. However, I think it is also fundamentally Western/rich and also sometimes too child-centered, to the potential harm of the adult doing the caregiving and other siblings/people being cared for in the household. I think there’s a lot of good to take from this and incorporate into my life, but others will be disregarded. Following any parenting book/philosophy to a T is unreasonable, anyway.
September 5, 2021
A very helpful read as I prepare for fatherhood. The advice within is based on the Resource for Infant Educators (RIE) approach piloted by Magda Gerber. A lot of the tactics suggested resonated with me, and more than a few felt quite intuitive, which I think is a good sign. Reading this made me think about my experience working with young students as an educator. Although my students were a bit older, I think I was already practicing some of the RIE suggestions on them because those practices felt natural to me.
I definitely learned a few things and plan to try a lot of this when the baby arrives, however, reading this also made me feel more confident in my own skills and inclinations as it involves working with small children. Very glad to have read this, and now feeling even more excited to meet my baby in just two months :)
I definitely learned a few things and plan to try a lot of this when the baby arrives, however, reading this also made me feel more confident in my own skills and inclinations as it involves working with small children. Very glad to have read this, and now feeling even more excited to meet my baby in just two months :)
August 24, 2018
I think this book had some interesting tidbits and an overall good concept but a lot of the specifics and the implementation is unreasonable and kooky. The theory is basically to let your baby take the lead and do everything her own way in her own time. Sounds good but I think this was a little too extreme. There’s got to be a balance of leadership as well as independent discovery. I thought some of the suggestions like saying "I see you're upset" during a meltdown were laughable. The author also took bits and pieces of others' work and incorporated them in to this theory without giving any credit (sleep, feeding, etc.).
I wouldn't recommend this book.
I wouldn't recommend this book.
February 24, 2019
This is the third RIE parenting book I’ve read and it was my least favorite of the three. The first chapters offered a helpful overview of the approach but the latter chapters were overly repetitive and prescriptive. She spends a lot of time on the newborn/precrawler stage, which was less interesting for me. If you’re looking for an introduction to the RIE parenting approach, I recommend starting with Janet Lansbury’s books.
March 7, 2020
RIE is very similar in spirit to Montessori. I like much of what they have to say but have problems with certain parts of the approach (for example, no tummy time and spoon feeding breastmilk). I would only recommend this to parents who have a discerning eye but to those parents, I would strongly recommend it.
September 20, 2023
Great resource laying out RIE principles.
January 25, 2014
2.5 stars. I make occasional ventures into parenting how-to literature and am certainly no expert on all the different "methods" that exist today, nor do I subscribe to a specific parenting style. I mostly parent in a way that makes practical sense, to me, and usually take these "manuals" with a grain of salt.
The REI method involves encouraging a child's sense of independence and confidence, in ways that may seem somewhat unnatural to most parents. It requires slowing down and becoming more observant of your child's behaviors and waiting for them to figure problems out on their own, instead of rushing to fix everything for them. Which could entail not barging in to scold them when they take another child's toy, or not rushing in to pick them up when they fall. There's a lot of "let them cry it out" advice that I'm sure many would disagree or be uncomfortable with, but the author makes a great case for seeing things from the child's perspective - that the last thing they may want when they're wailing is to be bounced in your lap and cooed at, or even just held. Just because crying is an abrasive expression of feeling to most adults' ears doesn't mean children shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Personally, I found most of the content to be fairly obvious, as I already employ most of it, as a parent (observe, narrate, give choices, allow freedom, etc.). Others may not see it this way, especially if they're more of a helicopter parent. But there was some helpful material that enhanced how I already approach parenthood, specifically the author's repeated request that we see the child as an emotional, expressive, intelligent person to be engaged with and not at, and that we continue to put ourselves in their shoes and ask how we would feel to be treated as they are (would you want a pacifier shoved in your mouth if you were upset, for instance, or how would you feel being restricted in a bouncer all the time?). Overall, it was merely a reminder for me to slow down, even in life's more routine or hectic moments, and think consciously about what I say and do. Beyond that, the book could have used more citations of research and studies to validate the methodology, but sadly, most nonfiction could use more of that, these days, and I honestly wasn't expecting much in the way of factual information.
The REI method involves encouraging a child's sense of independence and confidence, in ways that may seem somewhat unnatural to most parents. It requires slowing down and becoming more observant of your child's behaviors and waiting for them to figure problems out on their own, instead of rushing to fix everything for them. Which could entail not barging in to scold them when they take another child's toy, or not rushing in to pick them up when they fall. There's a lot of "let them cry it out" advice that I'm sure many would disagree or be uncomfortable with, but the author makes a great case for seeing things from the child's perspective - that the last thing they may want when they're wailing is to be bounced in your lap and cooed at, or even just held. Just because crying is an abrasive expression of feeling to most adults' ears doesn't mean children shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Personally, I found most of the content to be fairly obvious, as I already employ most of it, as a parent (observe, narrate, give choices, allow freedom, etc.). Others may not see it this way, especially if they're more of a helicopter parent. But there was some helpful material that enhanced how I already approach parenthood, specifically the author's repeated request that we see the child as an emotional, expressive, intelligent person to be engaged with and not at, and that we continue to put ourselves in their shoes and ask how we would feel to be treated as they are (would you want a pacifier shoved in your mouth if you were upset, for instance, or how would you feel being restricted in a bouncer all the time?). Overall, it was merely a reminder for me to slow down, even in life's more routine or hectic moments, and think consciously about what I say and do. Beyond that, the book could have used more citations of research and studies to validate the methodology, but sadly, most nonfiction could use more of that, these days, and I honestly wasn't expecting much in the way of factual information.
October 8, 2015
Ahhhh, the endless pit of Parenting Philosophy Books. This was actually really good and I'd like to use a lot (though not all) of its advice.
The basic premise is: CHILLAX and stop hovering over your kid. Your baby doesn't need someone waving toys in her face every second or following around one step behind her wherever she goes. Kids are smart and self-sufficient and figuring things out on their own is an important part of the developmental process. So give your kid space to explore (literally, they're huge on babyproofing a room or area of a room so the baby can just do what it wants and you don't have to be on high alert every second). Let them have bodily autonomy. Don't invalidate their feelings. Don't talk about your toddler to someone else like he's not there. Give them a finite set of choices about things like food, but don't give in to demands outside that set. Um, stuff like that.
Not sure I agree with the anti-baby wearing stance and I'm torn on the whole separate mealtime from the family thing. But there's a lot more in here I want to do than not do, so I'll count that as a win. Especially since it seems way more low-stress and sensible than most of the alternatives.
June 24, 2015
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I am pretty cool with letting my kid figure stuff out for herself most of the time (hence I spend a lot of time letting her mess around while I read) and having not so many toys and letting her play with household objects and all of that, but I cannot and shall not extend that to narrating every damn thing I do with her so that she can give me permission to do it, nor would I have not taught her to sit up so she could figure it out herself (though I'm pretty hands-off about walking..so..). There is some good lay-off stuff here but a lot of it boils down to a deeper existential question of are we really teaching kids to live in the world if we're letting them do and discover and decide on everything for themselves? To me, no -- people learn and live and develop in community -- people sit up and wear clothes and eat without making a humongous mess in part because it's socially dictated, not just because they deeply desire to do so. A less dogmatic approach to raising a self-sufficient and world-aware kid would suffice here. This is probably the most dogmatic book I've read so far. And hopefully has thoroughly sated my interest in them. :)
April 19, 2015
An intriguing method of raising babies (and toddlers) that I don't hear much about. The RIE method is very low-tech - low-stimulation, really - and I like the emphasis it puts on letting a baby discover things themselves. That said, it seems virtually impossible to keep bright colors and sounds out of a modern baby's experience. And we'll see how much I end up agreeing with the "self-comfort" idea, AKA "cry it out." I read this overlapping with Dr. Karp's "5 S's" method, and the two seem to be directly opposed in many ways. Karp tells you exactly how to proactively distract your baby so it stops crying. Solomon/Gerber tell you to create a quiet, peaceful environment where your baby works things out on their own (with your unobtrusive supervision). I think I will [try to] employ the idea of being deliberate and therapuetic even when doing things like bathing, feeding, or changing the baby.
July 31, 2019
I'm not sure if I agree with all the teachings of RIE (like not correcting your kid when she calls a horse a donkey, as it will stop her from speaking and she'll learn someday, anyway (but how, if not corrected?)) but I appreciated this somewhat different and unique perspective of child rearing. The general theory is to treat children like the separate individuals they are from the very beginning and respect them as you would another adult. With care-giving actions the basic principals are: explain to them what you are going to do before you do it, allow "tarry time" for them to react, narrate your actions and request their participation. RIE sees care-giving as a time to be truly present with your baby, not to distract them to get through the task. The basic principles of play and learning are: be as uninvolved as possible, watch and observe but do not lead or suggest; provide simple age-appropriate toys that do not overstimulate and let children decide which to play with; provide a safe place to play, safe being such that if a child was left there unsupervised for an extended period of time they would be hungry but not hurt. Toys should be simple enough that the baby does not need to be shown to use them (the book lists several examples, most of which aren't traditional children toys at all, but kitchen and household utensils). Allow problem solving: do not sweep in to show a child how to use a toy. RIE does not allow children to be put in positions they cannot get out of (meaning no swaddling, no swings, and limited strollers/car seats). Application of RIE is, as the book's title goes, trusting that your baby knows best and can make his/her own decisions, which we need to respect. These decisions often come with consequences which the baby will only become independent by learning from. For example: RIE says not to force a baby to eat or to make food specifically for the baby - offer baby food (include at least one item he has liked in the recent past) and take food away when baby stops showing interest. As another example: assuming baby isn't in dire danger, allow her to try to climb on an object, even if you know she is likely to fall. RIE generally recommends not stepping in to assist babies, even when in conflict with other children. Instead it suggests being fully physically and emotionally present (i.e. paying attention) but letting the children solve conflicts for themselves. The methodology involves a lot of narrating to the baby and stating facts, rather than making assumptions. The book provides many examples as to how to talk to a baby or respond to situations that may arise. Common examples are stating, "you are upset because Sam took the toy you were playing with" and "you are turning your head away and closing your mouth so I believe you are done eating."
The book is written simply and with sympathy to the difficulties of being a parent. It felt modern, with mentions to technology, work, and primary caregivers who are not mom or dad. It wasn't pushy or holier-than-thou, it just presented its message. The message, however, is not researched (or if it is this research was not included). The book didn't even suggest or hint at any long term results in its application, except to say that an RIE child and parent respected one another. It is essentially a methodology created by one woman, Magda Gerber, whose credentials do include a master's in early childhood education. There were testimonies of parents sprinkled throughout, but most were "in the trenches" with young children still. I would appreciate proof of, or even suggestions to the methodology's success.
That being said, I appreciated this straightforward introduction to this different parenting approach which, while likely not to be instinctual (as it is counter to how we see most children being raised or how we were raised ourselves), is rooted in logic. I will likely pick and chose pieces of it to apply in my own parenting.
The book is written simply and with sympathy to the difficulties of being a parent. It felt modern, with mentions to technology, work, and primary caregivers who are not mom or dad. It wasn't pushy or holier-than-thou, it just presented its message. The message, however, is not researched (or if it is this research was not included). The book didn't even suggest or hint at any long term results in its application, except to say that an RIE child and parent respected one another. It is essentially a methodology created by one woman, Magda Gerber, whose credentials do include a master's in early childhood education. There were testimonies of parents sprinkled throughout, but most were "in the trenches" with young children still. I would appreciate proof of, or even suggestions to the methodology's success.
That being said, I appreciated this straightforward introduction to this different parenting approach which, while likely not to be instinctual (as it is counter to how we see most children being raised or how we were raised ourselves), is rooted in logic. I will likely pick and chose pieces of it to apply in my own parenting.
September 24, 2022
I think that all parents should read this book and I am grateful for my wife who found it and encouraged me to read it. My mother already read it too and so now the three primary caretakers of our boy are on the same page about the principles that the book recommends.
Deborah Carlisle Solomon does a great job detailing the RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) principles that were originally pioneered by Magda Gerber. Carlisle Solomon had read Gerber’s book Your Self-Confident Baby and implemented the RIE principles with the raising of her son and goes into the benefits of this approach that have helped many parents bring up competent, self-reliant, and resourceful children.
These principles are all about helping parents gain confidence in their parenting approaches and have fun while getting to know their babies better. The approach is designed to create a respectful, cooperative, intimate, and loving relationship with children.
The seven basic RIE principles are:
1. Basic trust in the child to be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner.
2. An environment for the child that is physically safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing.
3. Time for uninterrupted play.
4. Freedom to explore and interact with other infants.
5. Involvement of the child in all caregiving activities to allow the child to become an active participant rather than a passive recipient.
6. Sensitive observation of the child in order to understand his or her needs.
7. Consistency and clearly defined limits and expectations to develop discipline.
These principles are based on respect, for babies and parents. They are based on teaching children they they are sovereign beings that can make their own choices and pursue their own individuality. They create a relationship based on trust between parent and child and allow for healthy growth that comes naturally.
I am so looking forward to implementing these principles in my parenting and am excited to watch our son blossom into a special unique person who feels confident, independent, safe, and supported.
Deborah Carlisle Solomon does a great job detailing the RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) principles that were originally pioneered by Magda Gerber. Carlisle Solomon had read Gerber’s book Your Self-Confident Baby and implemented the RIE principles with the raising of her son and goes into the benefits of this approach that have helped many parents bring up competent, self-reliant, and resourceful children.
These principles are all about helping parents gain confidence in their parenting approaches and have fun while getting to know their babies better. The approach is designed to create a respectful, cooperative, intimate, and loving relationship with children.
The seven basic RIE principles are:
1. Basic trust in the child to be an initiator, an explorer, and a self-learner.
2. An environment for the child that is physically safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing.
3. Time for uninterrupted play.
4. Freedom to explore and interact with other infants.
5. Involvement of the child in all caregiving activities to allow the child to become an active participant rather than a passive recipient.
6. Sensitive observation of the child in order to understand his or her needs.
7. Consistency and clearly defined limits and expectations to develop discipline.
These principles are based on respect, for babies and parents. They are based on teaching children they they are sovereign beings that can make their own choices and pursue their own individuality. They create a relationship based on trust between parent and child and allow for healthy growth that comes naturally.
I am so looking forward to implementing these principles in my parenting and am excited to watch our son blossom into a special unique person who feels confident, independent, safe, and supported.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 14, 2025
Good book overall! Been reading quite a few of these recently and the thing I really liked about this book was that it had concepts that started at infancy and took those concepts through toddlerhood. Some concepts definitely felt a little extreme, but I started trying to implement some of these things into my parenting and did find it felt like a good approach.
Like all parenting books - I feel like it’d be extreme if you tried to do everything the book said, but I feel like the book had a lot of pearls of wisdom and I’m glad I read it.
I feel like some of the most useful pieces were:
-Kind of throughout the process - staying calm and narrating what you’re perceiving can be a good way to communicate, and guide upset kids back to a place of calm
-create a safe space for kiddos where both you and they can relax
-support is key - friends, family, etc.
- with siblings - you won’t see the whole situation. Don’t try to be judge/jury - narrate your perception and have faith kiddos will find a resolution
- basically just respect your kiddos to find their own way in their own time. You can step in for red light situations, but try to let kids find their own way.
- repair if you mess up
Notes here are partially for me 😅🙃
Like all parenting books - I feel like it’d be extreme if you tried to do everything the book said, but I feel like the book had a lot of pearls of wisdom and I’m glad I read it.
I feel like some of the most useful pieces were:
-Kind of throughout the process - staying calm and narrating what you’re perceiving can be a good way to communicate, and guide upset kids back to a place of calm
-create a safe space for kiddos where both you and they can relax
-support is key - friends, family, etc.
- with siblings - you won’t see the whole situation. Don’t try to be judge/jury - narrate your perception and have faith kiddos will find a resolution
- basically just respect your kiddos to find their own way in their own time. You can step in for red light situations, but try to let kids find their own way.
- repair if you mess up
Notes here are partially for me 😅🙃
December 2, 2025
This is great book supportive of the attempt to support children through infancy and toddlerhood based on a foundation of respect and attuned caregiving. I found several portions especially interesting including the sections about allowing for reasonable struggle and supporting children when they actually need and signal desire for that support. I think often we think of infants and toddlers as somehow less than human, as sort of blobs that are waiting to be formed, and I think this book and the RIE approach generally challenges us to think about what it would be like if we saw infants and toddlers as fully formed and unique individuals with complex ways of communicating and learning from their environment. What might we be able to learn about ourselves and about the children we get to be around by stopping to support their emotional regulation, caring to wonder about their desires and emotional reality, and trusting them as active participants in their own learning and development. Basically I think anyone spending time around young children would benefit from reading this book and thinking about how we engage with babies! 4 stars because i don't totally vibe with babies sleeping alone in cribs being best and also i like mixed age infant toddler classrooms so yeah
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March 28, 2021📚📝🔎 Baby Knows Best offers a clear and direct approach to understanding the RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) method of parenting.
The main idea of this method revolves around building a respectful relationship with your baby and seeking to understand who he is and give him space to discover, try, and learn.
Some other key ideas:
📌 move and act slowly, to give your baby time to follow what you say or do, and feel less stressed;
📌 observe your baby more and interfere less in what he does;
📌 tell him what you see (what your baby does in specific contexts) in an objective manner, without transmitting your view of the situation (it might come as a surprise, but we are so wrong sometimes);
📌 acknowledge when he is doing something by saying what he managed to do and not by using Bravo or any other such expression that will have a negative impact on your baby’s self-esteem.
There are, however, some ideas presented in the book that I do not agree with. Among these, one thing which feels very wrong to me is letting your baby cry it out. Or, as the author puts it: you hear him cry? Stay where you are and then stay a bit more where you are because your baby will most probably calm on his own.
#bibliotraveller
The main idea of this method revolves around building a respectful relationship with your baby and seeking to understand who he is and give him space to discover, try, and learn.
Some other key ideas:
📌 move and act slowly, to give your baby time to follow what you say or do, and feel less stressed;
📌 observe your baby more and interfere less in what he does;
📌 tell him what you see (what your baby does in specific contexts) in an objective manner, without transmitting your view of the situation (it might come as a surprise, but we are so wrong sometimes);
📌 acknowledge when he is doing something by saying what he managed to do and not by using Bravo or any other such expression that will have a negative impact on your baby’s self-esteem.
There are, however, some ideas presented in the book that I do not agree with. Among these, one thing which feels very wrong to me is letting your baby cry it out. Or, as the author puts it: you hear him cry? Stay where you are and then stay a bit more where you are because your baby will most probably calm on his own.
#bibliotraveller
April 24, 2020
I looked at the cover of this book and said to my wife (we had just seen The Lego Movie not long before this) “This is going to be some hippie-dippie bologna.” But, the book was tied to Magda Gerber’s organization and I wanted to see what it was all about.
I really couldn’t put it down. We had one child at the time who was only a year old. We started implementing the concepts immediately and were very excited about the results we were getting. Solomon’s book seems to align very closely to other books mentioned in my list, especially Choice Theory.
As the title suggests, our babies really do know what they’re capable of. If we take the time to listen and learn from what they’re saying to us, they can actually communicate a great deal about themselves. Solomon teaches how we can treat our children with respect, even as little infants, and how we can learn to appreciate a child’s sense of direction.
I shared more about other related books as well as a link to an interview with the author here: https://www.philipmott.com/2020/04/pa...
I really couldn’t put it down. We had one child at the time who was only a year old. We started implementing the concepts immediately and were very excited about the results we were getting. Solomon’s book seems to align very closely to other books mentioned in my list, especially Choice Theory.
As the title suggests, our babies really do know what they’re capable of. If we take the time to listen and learn from what they’re saying to us, they can actually communicate a great deal about themselves. Solomon teaches how we can treat our children with respect, even as little infants, and how we can learn to appreciate a child’s sense of direction.
I shared more about other related books as well as a link to an interview with the author here: https://www.philipmott.com/2020/04/pa...
May 16, 2025
This is my first exposure to the RIE Approach and I will find more books on this to read. It is a more laidback approach of respecting and trusting your baby, helping them less and encouraging independence from a young age.
The book covers RIE methods for ages 0 to 3. The first part on looking after a baby was a bit tedious to go through since my child is now well into toddlerhood. I wish I read this earlier when my baby was younger. Then again, there are so many parenting/baby resources out there that you don’t know what’s best.
Which brings me to my next point. A lot of this sounds like a wonderfully organised guidebook, but I would like to know if it’s actually backed by sound research or solely anecdotal. Like many parenting books, you should read it then take away what is relevant for you and your family. I definitely should step back a bit more to encourage independence.
I really do stand by the RIE principle of respecting the child. People generally simply don’t respect children as people, and see them as something less-than. I take my baby to a store and the cashier reaches over immediately to bop her nose. Would you do that to an adult stranger? 🥴
The book is worth a read if you have a very young infant, or even skipping to the stages your child is currently in. The writing is clear, accessible and non-judgemental. I found the parts on setting boundaries and situation/dialogue examples the most useful.
The book covers RIE methods for ages 0 to 3. The first part on looking after a baby was a bit tedious to go through since my child is now well into toddlerhood. I wish I read this earlier when my baby was younger. Then again, there are so many parenting/baby resources out there that you don’t know what’s best.
Which brings me to my next point. A lot of this sounds like a wonderfully organised guidebook, but I would like to know if it’s actually backed by sound research or solely anecdotal. Like many parenting books, you should read it then take away what is relevant for you and your family. I definitely should step back a bit more to encourage independence.
I really do stand by the RIE principle of respecting the child. People generally simply don’t respect children as people, and see them as something less-than. I take my baby to a store and the cashier reaches over immediately to bop her nose. Would you do that to an adult stranger? 🥴
The book is worth a read if you have a very young infant, or even skipping to the stages your child is currently in. The writing is clear, accessible and non-judgemental. I found the parts on setting boundaries and situation/dialogue examples the most useful.
August 26, 2024
After reading the book, my key takeaway is the importance of slowing down and trusting your baby’s ability to navigate challenges and self-regulate. It’s crucial to give your baby time to observe and understand them before stepping in to help. Patience and careful observation allow you to truly know your baby and their needs.
Additionally, the book emphasizes the use of respectful language. Instead of using judgmental phrases like “you’re so smart,” focus on describing what is happening. This approach fosters a more authentic connection with your child. By observing their responses and genuinely believing in their capabilities, you create a supportive environment that encourages their growth and independence.
Additionally, the book emphasizes the use of respectful language. Instead of using judgmental phrases like “you’re so smart,” focus on describing what is happening. This approach fosters a more authentic connection with your child. By observing their responses and genuinely believing in their capabilities, you create a supportive environment that encourages their growth and independence.
December 30, 2024
Torn on how I feel about this book. I do love so many aspects of RIE parenting like observation, narration, respect, taking things slow, and treating infants/toddlers like humans. I also very much agree with Magda’s insights and perspective. I also however, disagree with many of their ideas, esp when it comes to sleep, breastfeeding, and “self-soothing.” Mostly because I am professionally trained in these areas and am aware of science and evidence-based research that have given us more insights into these topics. Some of them may just be outdated as we learn more about more regarding these topics. Despite those setbacks, I still really enjoyed the book and will definitely be implementing many of the ideas the author talked about with my own children in the future.
March 28, 2018
Our library didn't have any of the Magda Gerber or Janet Lansbury books about RIE (resources for infant educarers) I was hoping to read, so I decided to try this. I got interested in RIE when I saw an article online about how to encourage independent play (yes please!) and now that I've read a whole book about the parenting philosophy behind it I might be hooked in further than I thought!
While the term "educarer" or the phrase "baby knows best" are probably enough to get most people to roll their eyes (me included) the book, and the RIE approach has me feeling a little more game for the challenge of the fast approaching toddler years.
While the term "educarer" or the phrase "baby knows best" are probably enough to get most people to roll their eyes (me included) the book, and the RIE approach has me feeling a little more game for the challenge of the fast approaching toddler years.
May 23, 2018
Although I was raised to stay close by and follow a familiar life path, I prized independence and self reliance. Hence when I stumbled across RIE at a support group I pounced. While I will never be the perfect RIE parent (I’m swaddling my baby and I can’t stop saying “it’s okay” to my baby when she’s crying), I really enjoyed the consistent philosophy behind treating our babies with respect and recognizing them for the amazing capabilities they have rather than focusing on what they can’t. It really makes me look forward to observing the amazing journey that my baby girl is about to embark on.
November 16, 2020
This book grew on me as I kept reading it. It gives useful advice for how to behave with your baby to be more in tune with his/her rhythm. In a nutshell, I would summarize it as: 1. move and act slowly, to give your baby time to follow what you say or do; 2. Observe your baby more and interfere less in what he/she does. 3. Narrate what you see (what your baby does in specific contexts) in an objective manner, without transmiting your adult view of the situation. All of this is quite hard in practice. The one thing I cannot agree with and which feels wrong to me is letting your baby cry it out.
June 25, 2024
Loved this book. About 95% of it resonated with me and I’d highly recommend it to anyone looking for a baseline of which to build a respectful and healthy relationship with your child. It’s the kind of morality/leading that’s impossible to do all the time but it acknowledges that. I especially loved the section where it talked about certain tropes like “time-outs” being a negative. It talks about staying grounded and present, to not just throw away negative interactions by not dealing with it, like time-outs are so frequently used, for example. Unless of course, you yourself are about to lose it. Exceptions to every rule!
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