What do you think?
Rate this book
Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship
Many tens of thousands of parents have turned to this book for guidance, support, concrete strategies, and practical tools for addressing serious teen behavior problems. By following the authors' clinically proven 10-step program, parents can reestablish their authority and end the perpetual battle of wills/m-/while also promoting teens' growing independence. Numerous realistic examples illustrate how to identify and enforce nonnegotiable rules; use rewards and incentives that work; build trust; and communicate and problem-solve effectively, even in the heat of the moment. The updated second edition incorporates new scientific research on why some teens have more problems with self-control than others. Parents will appreciate the upbeat, empathic tone. Helpful forms and worksheets are included; purchasers get access to a Web page where they can download and print these materials in a convenient 8 1/2" x 11" size.
372 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2008
132 people are currently reading
277 people want to read
About the author
Russell A. Barkley
71 books459 followersRussell A. Barkley (born 1949) is a clinical psychologist who is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical University of South Carolina and an author of books on ADHD. Involved in research since 1973 and a licensed psychologist since 1977, he is an expert on attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and has devoted much of his scientific career to studying ADHD and related problems in children. His research interests include childhood defiance.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
February 1, 2020
This is basically the rewards-and-consequences plan for teenagers already outlined in Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents, with more detail. That's exactly what I thought it would be, so I was surprised to feel disappointed. The author is not quite as sympathetic to parents as he was in Taking Charge, and having a teenager means I already get talked down to plenty, thanks tho.
Some ideas I particularly disliked were:
*Teen should be paid for everything they do. We're in a position to pay kids for chores now, but I hated reading advice like this when we were a poor college-student family. So poor parents are just SOL? The author repeatedly asks, "Would you go to work if no one paid you?" Maybe because I am raising boys, I have strong opinions about this topic. A house is full of unpaid labor waiting to be done, and statistically men have trouble doing it. Because no one pays them. There has to be some sense of personal and social responsibility instilled. On principle I refuse to pay kids to clean their own rooms or their own messes. Paid chores in our house involve doing things for others or the whole family.
*Gifts from parents and things kids bought with "their own money" are irrevocably theirs. Legally this is true, but as their legal guardian in a society that has a stake in my sons turning out to be decent humans, I can claim eminent domain whenever I see fit. I can't possibly foresee all manner of ways he can abuse a gift before giving it to him, and even if I could, forbidding it in a written contract is practically giving him a to-do list. The whole, "It's your Xbox but I pay for the electricity" thing is unenforceable -- unless you actually shut off the electricity -- and is just a roundabout, legalistic, and toothless substitute for confiscation that teens are not dumb enough to think is any fairer.
*The Q and As were largely like this:
Question: Your advice is not working.
Answer: You must be doing it wrong.
I probably would be more open to the author's suggestions if I were still as desperate as when I started the book. I was just getting into it when my son had a mysterious come-to-Jesus. I have no idea what happened. One day we were in the vice principal's office talking to the police about whether he'd be charged for his misdemeanor, and like a month later he'd distanced himself from his trash friends, stopped hating his brother with the fire of a thousand suns, and started getting along with the family better in general.
An angelic visitation seems more likely, but IF anything we did had an effect on his road to Damascus, it was due to some principles I got from Taking Charge that are also in this book:
*Looking for and reinforcing the positive. I'm really bad at this. I've always kind of operated under the assumption that if he's behaving, it's out of self-interest, and therefore doesn't deserve any sort of praise. Like, if he does his chores and practices piano without asking, it's only because he wants Xbox time, and he gets his Xbox time, verily he has his reward, right? But even if I'm right, it's counter-productive to withhold verbal reinforcement. I've had to retrain myself to ignore his motives, or at least question my motherly omniscience. I've been really stingy with praise in the past, and I can imagine that hasn't helped. Certainly it doesn't hurt anything to tell him I'm happy I didn't have to remind him to do his chores.
*Spending time together. This is obvious, but it took me a long time to be okay with the amount of TV time togetherness requires. When we began to see there are worse ways for him to pass the time, I got more lax about family screen time. (He might grow up to be a lazy adult who watches Netflix all day in our basement, but that's better than being a highly motivated criminal, right?) It gives us something to talk and laugh and have feel-feels together about. Our relationship really needed that positive infusion.
*Don't get emotionally reactive. This is a hard one, but someone has to be the adult in the relationship, and by all accounts that's supposed to be me. Ode to Celexa for helping with this. This book is great at breaking down the negative spiral that angry reactions send relationships into.
*"Act, don't yack." He has ADHD; he's not listening anyway. In conjunction with the previous point, I've tried to focus on trading in my angry rants for consequences, ignoring all his claims of not caring what the punishment is.
I may revisit this book when parenting a teenager inevitably humbles me again enough to be more receptive to its ideas.
Some ideas I particularly disliked were:
*Teen should be paid for everything they do. We're in a position to pay kids for chores now, but I hated reading advice like this when we were a poor college-student family. So poor parents are just SOL? The author repeatedly asks, "Would you go to work if no one paid you?" Maybe because I am raising boys, I have strong opinions about this topic. A house is full of unpaid labor waiting to be done, and statistically men have trouble doing it. Because no one pays them. There has to be some sense of personal and social responsibility instilled. On principle I refuse to pay kids to clean their own rooms or their own messes. Paid chores in our house involve doing things for others or the whole family.
*Gifts from parents and things kids bought with "their own money" are irrevocably theirs. Legally this is true, but as their legal guardian in a society that has a stake in my sons turning out to be decent humans, I can claim eminent domain whenever I see fit. I can't possibly foresee all manner of ways he can abuse a gift before giving it to him, and even if I could, forbidding it in a written contract is practically giving him a to-do list. The whole, "It's your Xbox but I pay for the electricity" thing is unenforceable -- unless you actually shut off the electricity -- and is just a roundabout, legalistic, and toothless substitute for confiscation that teens are not dumb enough to think is any fairer.
*The Q and As were largely like this:
Question: Your advice is not working.
Answer: You must be doing it wrong.
I probably would be more open to the author's suggestions if I were still as desperate as when I started the book. I was just getting into it when my son had a mysterious come-to-Jesus. I have no idea what happened. One day we were in the vice principal's office talking to the police about whether he'd be charged for his misdemeanor, and like a month later he'd distanced himself from his trash friends, stopped hating his brother with the fire of a thousand suns, and started getting along with the family better in general.
An angelic visitation seems more likely, but IF anything we did had an effect on his road to Damascus, it was due to some principles I got from Taking Charge that are also in this book:
*Looking for and reinforcing the positive. I'm really bad at this. I've always kind of operated under the assumption that if he's behaving, it's out of self-interest, and therefore doesn't deserve any sort of praise. Like, if he does his chores and practices piano without asking, it's only because he wants Xbox time, and he gets his Xbox time, verily he has his reward, right? But even if I'm right, it's counter-productive to withhold verbal reinforcement. I've had to retrain myself to ignore his motives, or at least question my motherly omniscience. I've been really stingy with praise in the past, and I can imagine that hasn't helped. Certainly it doesn't hurt anything to tell him I'm happy I didn't have to remind him to do his chores.
*Spending time together. This is obvious, but it took me a long time to be okay with the amount of TV time togetherness requires. When we began to see there are worse ways for him to pass the time, I got more lax about family screen time. (He might grow up to be a lazy adult who watches Netflix all day in our basement, but that's better than being a highly motivated criminal, right?) It gives us something to talk and laugh and have feel-feels together about. Our relationship really needed that positive infusion.
*Don't get emotionally reactive. This is a hard one, but someone has to be the adult in the relationship, and by all accounts that's supposed to be me. Ode to Celexa for helping with this. This book is great at breaking down the negative spiral that angry reactions send relationships into.
*"Act, don't yack." He has ADHD; he's not listening anyway. In conjunction with the previous point, I've tried to focus on trading in my angry rants for consequences, ignoring all his claims of not caring what the punishment is.
I may revisit this book when parenting a teenager inevitably humbles me again enough to be more receptive to its ideas.
July 5, 2021
Good ideas on repairing relationships.
August 30, 2011
Extremely helpful at bringing both a parent and a defiant teen up to where they can communicate and work on the underlying issues that have grown up in their parent-child relationship. I especially appreciated the humbling realization that I was doing it all wrong.
July 23, 2024
I listened to this as an audiobook not realizing this is actually very much an interactive … almost a course. Lots of online references for sheets to fill out etc. and to be utilized in phases over the course of months.
I did not do that. I listened to it and kinda gauged where I am going right and where I’m going wrong and tools to try to utilize. I appreciated some of the case study examples, as some of the information seemed impractical to certain situations but once given an example I could see it’s purpose.
There were a few things I disagreed with but it was negligible on the grand scheme of things.
Some stuff was a little outdated in terms of technology , and how far it’s come since this was probably originally written (ex: iPods/dvd players) and how to manage tech is more difficult now that kids are 90% online even for school and given devices, but I think the principle of the plan is still valid.
Verbiage used during examples of parent and teen conflict scenarios are a little cheesy, but again it’s an example.
The hardest part of this was there’s very little addressed on divorced families and when one household does not enforce or even under minds the process. I feel like if it was just my husband and I we could rock this with help, but having another parent that acts as a friend and holds no authority, enables bad behavior, covers up for their bad behavior, and is afraid to enforce anything makes this an uphill battle, as the teen knows they have an “out” to do their bad behavior at least once or twice a week.
I wonder if there’s a book like this one that’s specifically for people raising kids in 2 households where one party isn’t on board and how to manage that. That’d be great.
Over all, a helpful book. Probably even more helpful if you do the steps and activities involved. It’s not off the table for me at this point, but it’s hard to do when you’re listening to it in your car between places.
I did not do that. I listened to it and kinda gauged where I am going right and where I’m going wrong and tools to try to utilize. I appreciated some of the case study examples, as some of the information seemed impractical to certain situations but once given an example I could see it’s purpose.
There were a few things I disagreed with but it was negligible on the grand scheme of things.
Some stuff was a little outdated in terms of technology , and how far it’s come since this was probably originally written (ex: iPods/dvd players) and how to manage tech is more difficult now that kids are 90% online even for school and given devices, but I think the principle of the plan is still valid.
Verbiage used during examples of parent and teen conflict scenarios are a little cheesy, but again it’s an example.
The hardest part of this was there’s very little addressed on divorced families and when one household does not enforce or even under minds the process. I feel like if it was just my husband and I we could rock this with help, but having another parent that acts as a friend and holds no authority, enables bad behavior, covers up for their bad behavior, and is afraid to enforce anything makes this an uphill battle, as the teen knows they have an “out” to do their bad behavior at least once or twice a week.
I wonder if there’s a book like this one that’s specifically for people raising kids in 2 households where one party isn’t on board and how to manage that. That’d be great.
Over all, a helpful book. Probably even more helpful if you do the steps and activities involved. It’s not off the table for me at this point, but it’s hard to do when you’re listening to it in your car between places.
July 3, 2019
This matter of fact book will help you to calm the waters you are sailing thru with your defiant teenager. Not only will it help you to gain cooperation from your teen, but also to gain control of yourself. Many times our emotions escalate due to expectations, past experiences, or unreasonable beliefs. We need to look at things more objectively. This book gives you a logical plan which begins with finding the positive in your teen.... anything you can possibly compliment, approve, or praise. Then it will guide you thru effective commands, behavior contracts, punishments, and more. The last part of the book focuses on building better communication and problem solving. All in all, I found it very helpful with lots of real case scenarios. The only part I didn't care for was the tedious task of behavior contracts, although I suppose the end result makes the work worth it.
April 28, 2022
Great book
Great tools
I actually took notes and printed out notes
I began putting things into effect the same week I began reading and saw a small change, I look forward to using the program in its entirety .
I appreciate the fact that examples and explanations were provided with great detail. Easy for any reader to understand.
I recommend this book for parenting for preteens and teens.
Great tools
I actually took notes and printed out notes
I began putting things into effect the same week I began reading and saw a small change, I look forward to using the program in its entirety .
I appreciate the fact that examples and explanations were provided with great detail. Easy for any reader to understand.
I recommend this book for parenting for preteens and teens.
November 12, 2017
Text bookish, but relevant.
September 29, 2018
I didn't find this to be a well written as 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. Read that instead!
June 7, 2019
Would not recommend the ebook version as much of the value of the book would be in the written exercises and worksheets.
September 13, 2021
3.5. I learned that I do NOT have defiant teens, just normal teens.😀Some good advice for parents of all teens!
January 10, 2023
Good book that helps to fix the relationship with your teen. Used it for writing purposes.
August 28, 2014
Honestly? I could not get through the whole book. It had some very valuable tips and tricks to work with a defiant teen, however I kept finding myself rolling my eyes while reading some of the suggestions (especially the conversations you were expected to have with your teen). They seemed cliche and not applicable to reality. Hopefully, that's just MY reality they are not relevent to, because overall the book is good, it was just a very difficult read for me, personally.
Read
April 25, 2015Very helpful. The steps are manageable and attainable - not unrealistically lofty. This book is not theory only, but practice. Very much what I needed given my son is leaving for college soon and we needed to help him before he would be out from our influence and in the bigger world. Not written for doctors only, but very readable by any parent.
Read
September 21, 20242024 #82!
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews