1. I wanted you to love me, ________________ (nation-state), and to that end I bought compact discs (at least ten of them) which when played on a conventional jam-box or ghetto-blaster amplify, into the enclosure between tall incarceratory concrete walls, the voice of a ________________ (nation-state's Proper Adjective) woman and a fast-talking _______________ (ibid) man discussing where and/or when to have lunch. Watching two or three ants descend into a medium-large crack in the pavement -- which to them must have seemed like a hazardous canyon or gorge -- I also watched my dreams die, like the fizzle of a flame between spittled fingertips. My dreams of philosophical and political discussions disintegrated into a halting request for a cheese sandwich. Do they even serve cheese sandwiches? I cannot give myself over fully to any nation, democratic or otherwise, which doesn't.
2. We can learn a lot from grain yields. First of all we can learn how much grain is, for instance, yielded in a specific locality during a specific period. From this we can deduce other things perhaps, like the average duration of foreplay among the regressively feudal classes of Western Europse. Clothing was often loose and practical and did not lend itself to fumblings and the tired workings of buttons, you understand; in more fashionably complex societies, foreplay -- as a function of grain yields -- was a pastime during uncorsettings and sock suspender unfastenings. Another thing we can learn from grain yields is the availability of historical data from a given era. If grain yields are reliable, this implies that historical data is largely unavailable because why would we notice grain yields if we could talk about the war of the gnome-people from Lyon or the history of the queen's underthings or be generally pacified by capitalist faerie tales of unicorns and gumdrops and... I can't remember what I was talking about.
3. This book is the worst book of all books. Other books may be worse, but this book is by far worse than those other books. If you don't believe me, you are a horrible person and no one at all in the universe is worse than you are. Please don't take this personally. It's just that you're despicable and this can be scientifically proven, but I'm not interested in doing the experiments right now, so I will merely allude to your despicableness as if it were previously and always understood as being true because of course it has been. I don't have the charts and data at my fingertips. They are in a manilla file folder under some grain yield pie charts (for the 1700s) in my black Honda Civic, which could use a wash. It could really use a wash. Wash it for me, lackey, if you don't believe this book is worse than all other books, even this one. You have nothing better to do because everything you 'know' and understand stands upon a dry, crumbly fecal edifice which threatens to deliver you unto your despicable nature and expose you as a horrible person for believing untrue things which have no scientific support, including but not limited to grain yields. What is your grain yield, if you think this book is so great? Why are you so argumentative? It's like placing a strobe light right above the nucleus of your profound ignorance. Do you want the concise history of France? Is it a thing you really want or have you been watching those wretched Truffaut films again imagining that this knowledge (purportedly contained herein) is of a piece with your taste for all things cultural? I am tempted to call you a fraud as well as a despicable and horrible person and (provisionally) the worst person on the face of this poor planet, but I am many things and one of them is tactful. I will not tell you what you are because you are so horrible that you have not earned the right even to that meager knowledge. I will smile at you and pat your ass, demeaningly, and that's all I have to say.
4. The price of Roger Price is too much. It is expensive and worthless at the same time. Roger, you have no price because you have no value. You are a thing found along the roadside smelling of canned yams and the mold that grows in my armpits when I don't leave my house and I don't leave my house and I don't leave my house and I don't leave my house and I don't leave my house and I don't leave my house and I don't leave my house which I don't leave, not now, not tomorrow, not for any price, you Roger, you Price without price because you're unwanted. You're a dirty maxi pad in the heavy shadows of the underpass. Yes, I think you deserved that comment. And I am tactful. And I don't leave my house because of the mold in my armpits, but it's interesting -- because the mold in my armpits happens because I never leave my house. It is a house with tall concrete walls which are incarceratory because I don't have the key to the door between them. Now I'll never be able to order a cheese sandwich in the local dialect. But I am slowly coming to terms with that new reality.
5. Don't bother with:
(a) dreams.
(b) ironing your underthings. Even queens. Even incarceratory walls.
(c) the concrete industry, wherever you work. It is men in golf shirts and sexy women who look retarded and not at all sexy. Orange-tanned and freckled leather.
(d) histories, concise or of France or long-winded or of other countries. It's best not to know. Grain yields are okay, but other things should generally be avoided as much as possible.
(e) hope.
(f) keeping things in order. You can write up timelines, and I have done so as often as I am able to but then you forget the order of the years and remember the order again and then you have to reorient history to align it with your new numerology: the one you invented in your head.
(g) reality television. It has made a sham of you. It is not beneath you. You are (now) beneath it. It spits at you and winks at the other genres behind your back.
(h) grain yields. I've rethought the matter (carefully) and these, above all, should not be bothered with.
(i) point (b) above. Everything should be ironed and ironed properly, even time and hope, if you have any stockpiled, and you should for emergencies, which do happen.
(j) preparing for emergencies. They prepare for you and defeat you. Even if you are historical.
(k) everything else, mostly. Except that. Except that. Except that.
(l) even that.